I spent the rest of that evening on pins and needles. I couldn't explain why I felt so nervous. To have already been so intimate with Ross, my stomach churned and twisted. The other guests sitting at the dinner table all commented on my lack of appetite. Though the roasted highland venison was delicious, I just couldn't stand more than a few bites. In fact, I found myself wanting nothing more than to simply go to bed and be by myself. Ross seemed to notice this as well. Though he said nothing, all during the meal I caught him watching me intently, his steely eyes seeming to try and see what my heart was feeling. Finally our meal came to an end, and I was ready to go to bed. The only problem was I couldn't go to bed, not my own anyway. I'd already agreed to spend the night with Ross, but the closer I drew down the hall toward his room the more I wondered if I really wanted what I'd told him that afternoon or not. Oh, for goodness sake! I was being absolutely foolish. There was no sense in being so childish, so training my face in a smile I felt would hide how I really felt, I knocked on the door. But when Ross answered he didn't smile. He wasn't standing in underwear, as I'd imagined. He didn't even give me a wink. In fact, I was caught totally off guard by his look of worry. His strong hand wrapped around mine and beckoned me in. "Ah, come in. I've been wantin' tae talk tae ye again. Ye've had us all worried this evening. Are ye sure ye're all right?" I stood gazing into his eyes, those steely blue eyes that seemed more and more to peer into my soul, and I knew I couldn't hide the truth. I felt my face grow crimson as tears began streaming down my cheeks. "No. I'm not okay, but the terrible part is I don't know what's really wrong." Ross pulled me into his chest. "Then why dinna ye tell me what ye're feelin'?"
Though some would tell me I am a hopeless sap, I have to admit that I am a romantic, and nothing, to me at least, was more romantic than that evening I spent with Ross. Though I'd really only known him just a couple of days, he was proving to be the most considerate, caring, loving person I'd ever met. Truth be told, I'd walked the hall between my room and his that evening with a feeling of obligation. After what he'd done for me today, I felt as though I owed him something, "turnabout being fair play," and all that. But I suppose that is what truly endeared me to Ross, he didn't expect return favors or pleasures. He seemed quite content that evening for us to simply curl up on the sofa together and stare out the window at the distant ship lights that glided across the bay leading out into the North Sea. We sat in silence for the longest time, not feeling the need to talk. Occasionally one would stretch their limbs, only to cuddle all the closer back. Finally when the silence was broken, Ross's voice was kind and almost fatherly. "Ye weren't ready. When the time comes, ye'll be ready, and ye'll know it." I turned to face him, feeling a slight tinge of anger. "What do you mean? I was ready enough for what happened on the bus today." His eyes shown with sincerity and compassion. "Jesse, take it from someone who know's. Only you can know fer sure when ye're ready tae surrender yer body that fully tae another person. Me goin' doon on ye today is one thang, but actual intercourse is another." So caring and gentle. How could I argue with him? Whether I cared to admit it or not, I knew he was right. But suddenly a rather embarassing thought crossed my mind. For all I'd told him about my life, I knew nothing of his. "Ross?" "Yeh?" "Tell me about your life."
He stared at me for a while as if I'd grown another head and then laughed hysterically. "Why the fuck do ye ask a question like that fer?" "Well, in once sense, it's not exactly like we're strangers, but in another I realized that I don't really know that much about you." He grew serious. "Are you serious aboot this?....................Well, all right." "Well, how about your last name? I mean, most of the time, when you've had somebody suck you off, it's nice to know their name." He laughed again, almost uncontrollably. I so enjoyed hearing him laugh. "Well, fer starts then, my full name is Ross Alexander McBride. I am twenty two years old, and I was born and live in Cairnryan." "Where's that?" "It's a port town on the shore of Loch Ryan, a sea loch. It's served by a ferry that travels from Scotland to Ireland." "Ross?" "Yes love?" "Can you answer another, more serious question for me?" "What is it?" "What did you mean about knowing about surrendering your body?" ............He stared at me for what seemed like hours, his eyes becoming almost glassy as his memories transported him to some place I could not see. "I tell ye that because I know it tae be true. I've not always been given the choice of whether I gave my body to someone." My mind tride to wrape around such a statement. "What do you mean?" .................................................."Jesse, I've never told anyone besides me own parents aboot this, but when I was fifteen I was raped."...................I could have, and nearly fell of the sofa. "Raped?! Oh, Ross......." It was his time to shed a few stray tears. "I've never told anyone else. When I was fifteen I ran away from home, wanted tae get away from ma parents and what I thought were strict rules. I had a friend who lived in Glasgow, so I went up 'an lived with him fer a few days. .........One night we decided tae go tae a party he knew of ootside toon. Jay got shit-drunk and passed oot, so I was left alone. Eventually I got a wee bit drunk meself, but not anythin' like Jay. After a while this guy I'd never met started hittin' on me. Eventually he found me alone in a room away from the other people at the party and started comin' onto me. I fought him off as much as I could, but he was too strong fer me.........................I screamed and did everythin' I could tae get someone's attention, but they were almost all passed oot........................................"