I slowly drifted into consciousness, pain a dull roar in my back and chest. My breathing seemed to be an effort for me. My eyes fluttered open, not really wanting to I guess, and I was gripped with the need to pee. In horror I realized that it was more than a need, I was going and seemed powerless to stop it. I tried to sit but my torso hurt too much. What the hell had happened? I lay back dimly aware that I felt no liquid pooling under me, maybe I hadn't actually gone. I drifted back into sleep.
I awoke in what seemed to be a few minutes later and felt the warm sun streaming through the window across my bed. Well, a bed. This one had rails and...wait a sec here, I was in a hospital! Pieces began to fall into place for me and I remembered the silvery gray in the tumbleweeds, I remember my mind suddenly telling me there was a gun and then I remember hugging Chris and then...nothing. I looked down at my chest, which ached on my right side and saw a large bandage covering something. I realized I had been shot. But where was everyone else? Was I the only one? I groped blindly for the call button and pressed the ringer for the nurse's station. Within minutes a nurse was in attendance and taking my vital signs.
"Nice to see you awake, kiddo." She said amiably.
"Where's my dad? How long was I asleep? Is everyone else ok?" I asked in a rush.
"Dad's getting coffee, Teresa is getting him. You were out for a week and a half, more or less. You woke for a few minutes about three days ago, which we were pleased to see. And I think everyone will be fine once they see you're ok. Did I cover everything?" She smiled.
I felt a little silly and just smiled and nodded.
"Dr. Asherman will be here in a few minutes to evaluate you, and then we'll see about getting you some food. Hungry?"
My stomach answered for me and I realized that I was indeed hungry. The nurse made a few tick marks on my chart, then headed out of the room. A week and a half? Jeez, I guess I was really in a bad way, Dad must be worried sick. He entered the room momentarily, setting his coffee down and giving me as much of a hug as I could take lying down. Tears stood in his eyes.
"Oh thank god you're ok, how do you feel? Are you hungry? Are you in pain?" He looked down at me with concern. I smiled and told him I was sore, hungry and feeling ok besides that. He smiled at that and then the doctor entered the room. He was kinda short with a big nose, reminded me of Dustin Hoffman. He looked at my chart as he began to ask routine questions and made some on the spot tests as to my alertness and memory.
"Well, you seem to have gotten pretty lucky, Justin. That slug tore through the cartilage in your back and bounced off your clavicle. Almost a clean hole. Clavicle is setting just fine, we'll order up some toast and seven up to see how much your stomach will tolerate at this point. I'll get some meds going for the discomfort. If everything looks ok, then you'll be going home soon." He smiled. "Do you have any questions for me?"
"Yeah..is Chris...is he ok?"
He frowned, "I don't know a Chris.."He trailed off looking at my father for guidance.
"Chris is fine, Justin. You stepped in front of that bullet just in time. In fact, the officer said that just the change in trajectory saved Chris."
I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding. Everything was ok then, no problem. Chris was ok; I would recover...wait.
"Who shot me?" I asked.
My father grew visibly uncomfortable, and the doctor excused himself from the room. I looked anxiously at my father, wondering what could be so bad that he couldn't just say who it was. He looked over at the window and spoke slowly.
"Well, it was Paul Taylor." He said quietly.
"Chris's dad?" I asked in amazement.
He looked sadly at me and nodded.
"The police were on scene in a flash, even though it seemed like forever at the time. They followed his back trail through the tumbleweeds and found him trying to get his car started. There was a shootout, Paul was wounded pretty seriously." He took a deep breath, "He's in custody in the hospital now."
I turned this over in my head. All of this had to be bad for Chris, and I couldn't get to him right now. Not that the pain would stop me, no! It was the...food! Yeah, the food was keeping me here.
"Where is Chris now, dad?"
"He's been staying home some. He got into a fight the first day back to school after..after the shooting. He is pretty depressed. I have tried to talk to him a bit but he just won't have it. I have known him since he was little, and Paul for years too, but I've never seen him like this before. Of course," He reflected quietly, "It's not everyday your father tries to kill you and then gets gunned down by the police either."
"Would you please bring him to see me dad? I think I need to see him."
"I'll try to get him here, but he hasn't been coming to the hospital with us when we've been here at night."
"We?" I questioned.
"Yeah, our little group. Kyle, Sheila, Cris, Grant, Harry, Blair and Casey. Oh! I forgot, Casey wanted me to call when you woke up if he wasn't here." He pulled a cellphone from his pocket and held it out to me. "Would you like to surprise him?" He grinned.
I dialed the number as he dictated it and listened to it ring once before the connection was made.
"Hello? Mr. Corcoran?" Came Casey's excited voice.
"Yeah, this is Mr. Corcoran. He's wondering how come his boyfriend wasn't here when he woke up." I said feeling my mouth curve into a smile.
"Justin? Justin! You're awake! You..ok, don't move we're on our way! Wait! How do you feel? Are you ok with people there? Oh, screw it let em try to keep us out! I'll see you in a few minutes" Casey's excitement was clear, I smiled broadly.
"I love you Casey." I said softly.
"I..I love you too Justin." Casey said and I heard the sound of cooing in the background. He was at school! And he just told me he loved me, out loud!
Dad sat down in the chair next to the bed and sipped his coffee while I relayed the conversation to him.
"Yes, there has been a remarkable transformation at school this week. The news of the shooting spread quickly and before long some kid at school named...Jimmy? Yeah Jimmy Carlisle cornered Casey and started to taunt him about your being..shot." He hesitated before continuing, and I held my breath knowing Case is not a fighter.
"Casey had to be pulled off this kid by Cris and Kyle because there was nothing more than a bloody mess Casey was fighting by the time they got there. Seems Case beat his ass, but good."
"What did Carlisle say to get the whole thing started, Dad?" I asked in somewhat of a daze. Case was in a fight? And won!
"Well, I guess it went something like this, and I quote 'I heard your boyfriend got wasted, at least there's one less fag in the world' end quote. So Case was outed to the school, but he's lucky he has the friends that he does because there was yet another fight at the end of that school day because some kids thought they'd impress their girlfriends, and instead of finding just Case they found Chris, Grant, Kyle and Cris all together. I'm afraid it was more than they could bear." Dad grinned.
"Since then though, things have calmed and it seems as though Case is accepted as the schools first openly gay student. Oh, and you are the second."
Oh my god, I was outed. Was that why Chris wouldn't come over here and see me? Was it because everyone knew now and not just our group of friends? I felt ashamed as soon as the thought crossed my mind; he would never do that. But what was the problem then?
The nurse entered the room and placed two slices of dry toast on the tray along with some seven up. She then asked my father if he could step outside for a moment so she could attend to me. After the door closed behind him she informed me that the doctor had ordered the catheter removed.
"The what?" I asked.
"Catheter. It's a tube that extends into your bladder and into a bag so that your body can dispose of liquid waste in a sanitary manner while you are unable to make trips to the lavatory."
"Oh." I said, suddenly embarrassed as she pulled on protective gloves and lifted the sheet. No wonder I hadn't peed myself. It felt soo weird having it pulled out, and I was doubly embarrassed that she was seeing my nether regions, but I suppose that's just a perk of the job. It suddenly occurred to me that there must be gay doctors out there and I wondered if they took particular enjoyment out of a prostate exam?
Anyway, my father came back in and I started in on my toast. My father paced me since my stomach had been empty for so many days it may reject food if too much was forced too quickly. The nurse returned with a syringe of medicine that she gave me through the IV that was already in place.
Case stepped through the door a bare moment later and he too hugged me as much as I could be hugged, and then gave me a light kiss on my lips. The nurse raised her eyebrows momentarily, and then regained her professional detachment and left the room.
"How are you feeling, babe?" He asked.
"Yeah, how are you feeling babe? And do I get a kiss too?" Came Kyle's voice. I laughed.
"Oh, don't make me laugh, it hurts!"
Kyle leaned over and hugged me carefully, and Grant followed him.
"Ok, let me back over to my boyfriend, damnit!" Casey groused and sat next to me, taking my hand. "How are you feeling?"
"A little sore, and actually I think the nurse just gave me some pain killers cause I'm feeling comfortably numb right about now." I replied with a smile. He was so beautiful; I was in just in awe of him.
"I hear your turning into Rocky now, huh?" I smiled at him.
He stood and flexed his arm muscles, "Yup and don't you forget it either! When we get married, you're the wife!"
We laughed and I complained again about making me laugh. Dad excused himself and I was left with my friends. Or more like at their mercy! They filled me in in detail about Casey finishing Jimmy's bullying days off, and Casey started to blush as they got carried away with their descriptions, and then started to out and out bullshit their way along with stuff like 'And then Case flew off the top rope and slammed an elbow into his head' and stuff like that. I looked over at Casey and batted my eyes like a fair damsel at her champion. He was red as a sunset.
Finally the discussion quieted and I asked about Chris.
"He's been out of school since the shooting, and he's not really talking to anyone. I stopped over to see him and he's totally distant and when you bring up coming to see you, well, he just gets up and leaves. I don't know what's up with him." Grant said.
I turned this over in my head and then shook myself free of it visibly; after all I can't fix it until I see him. I turned my attention to other matters.
"So how are things between you two?" I asked of Cris and Grant.
"Um, well we..we're taking it slow." Cris said slowly.
"We spend almost all our time together," Grant said excitedly, "And when we go home tonight he's going to blow me."
I guess I was just flabbergasted. My jaw dropped and Cris's head whipped around to look at Grant. Grant sat with an innocent look on his face, and Casey broke the silence by bursting out laughing. Grant could no longer contain himself and he began to giggle, and soon we were off again laughing at Cris's embarrassed and slightly bemused expression.
Cris and Grant headed out about an hour later, and Casey left when my dinner got there. I think it was dinner that frightened him off actually. It was roasted pork, but the menu said it was baked turkey. I didn't care; I had lost my appetite.
A few more days of being cooped up and I was finally allowed to go home. Chris was still avoiding me and I was determined to find out why. I was completely unprepared for the afternoon, however. When I arrived at home a crowd greeted me. Kyle's folks were there, just getting ready to leave. Mrs. Pritchard had made a few meals up for us to help cut costs and kitchen time that she felt would be better spent by my father on me. Julius and Jake were in attendance and they too departed quickly, just wanting to add their well wishing to the pile I guess. Jake had tears standing in his eyes, although I am not sure just why. He pulled me into the kitchen briefly and said the most cryptic damn thing I have ever heard.
"You have changed my life in more ways than you shall ever know, I thank god you are ok and can continue to be exactly who you are on this earth for a little while longer." Then he kissed my forehead and left with Julius who was heatedly whispering into his ear about saying too much. Too much about what? I hope they weren't turning into perv's or something. I shrugged it off.
My friends came down the hall from the bedrooms and announced that they would come back later as they were going to the store for barbecue stuff. They decided to cook for dad and I, and I think that was the moment I really began to be afraid. Very afraid!
As I headed to my room, arm in sling, I passed Chris's room. It was standing open and I entered slowly. Something was moving on the far wall, it had thumped. I moved gingerly and then stood still. After a few moments of silence I heard the rhythmic noise again and moved quietly towards the sound, which seemed to be coming from the floor on the far side of Chris's bed. As the floor came into view as I cleared the bed I saw...Chris! Trussed up like a Christmas goose and madder than a wet hen. I switched on the light so I could see to untie him, obviously the guys had done this to force a conversation. However as I turned on the light I saw an envelope with a post it on the front. The note said to read the letter before untying Chris, so I opened the letter whereupon Chris ceased his struggles suddenly.
Justin,
You probably are mad at me now, and I guess I don't blame you. No I guess you're more than mad. I know we always said we'd be brothers and friends no matter what, but I think I know that that's all over now. I was trying to do the right thing, when my dad went after my mom. I couldn't help it, she was screaming and crying and blood was running down her nose and staining her dress. I was awful, like a nightmare. I stepped in front and challenged him and he knocked me down, but I popped back up and really laid into him, Just. I had to! It was my mom.
Anyway, since that happened my mother has been scared he'd come for me or her cause of that, that's why she wanted me to stay with you you know. I always thought he'd come for me, and I was ready for that. But I never thought someone else might get hurt, especially you. I just want you to know that I never wanted this, and I am so sorry that it was you and not me.
So I am going to go. I have a bus ticket and I am going to leave the state, probably go to California and find work. My mom is mad because the family is broken up, and I...I told her I was just trying to protect her. But she wouldn't listen to me. I am such a screw up; I just want to get away from anyone I ever cared about, I just seem to be no good. I'll miss you, Chris
Tears fell freely down my face as I worked his bonds loose, which must have been funny to watch. His head hung in shame as I helped him to sit on the edge of the bed and rubbed his wrists to get the circulation going again. I was thinking furiously about what to say to him. I was pissed that he would just dump me and not have the balls to talk to me. On the other hand I was torn up about my best friend who really thought this was all his fault. In the end my love for him won out as I looked into his eyes.
He tried to avert his gaze but I held his chin firmly and forced his eyes to mine. They were filled with tears and if I still held any anger with him, it evaporated at the obvious pain. I released his chin, and held his hand in my one good hand. Slowly I began to speak.
"I don't know what was going through my head just before that gun went off, but I can tell you a little of what I pieced together so far. I know I saw a little bit of gray in the tumbleweeds." I paused, "My mind knew there was something wrong before I did, but my mind also knew that it had to protect what was important to me. And I believe that's why I stood in front of you. I think that's why...I know that's why I did it, and I don't regret it at all."
I looked into his eyes, and saw the hurt etched in his face. The tears that had fallen making clear tracks down either cheek. I kissed both his eyes on impulse and tasted the saline on my lips. He was looking at me with some hope on his face.
"I don't ever want to lose you. What happened isn't your fault, but I would step in front of a bus for you if it meant you'd be ok. I'm hurt more because you didn't come see me, and cause you weren't going to even say goodbye to me. I love you Chris, and it's not just talk about being brothers." I paused, "They say you can't pick your family, but that's what you do when you get married, don't you? Just cause the church sanctifies it doesn't make it any better or anymore real. The same applies to other people. You are my brother, even if I got so mad as to never speak to you again, to disown you...you'd still be my brother, and that will never, ever change. Not for anything."
Relief flooded his face as his tears increased in volume and coursed down his face. I held him close, albeit with one hand and did my best to ease his pain. After his sobs had eased and tissue had been provided he looked directly at me before speaking.
"I'm sorry I was acting so fucked up. I was so scared and I just didn't know what to do. Whenever something happens to me, anything important I talk to you about it. But since it was about you...I was just lost." He looked down at his hands as if to gather strength before meeting my eyes again.
"I promise I'll never doubt our bond again, please forgive me?"
"Forgive what?" I smiled.
We hugged on the edge of the bed and I asked him quietly "What kind of work were you going to look for in California anyway? Were you going to try and sell your ass or something?"
"No," He snuffled, "I had a picture of yours, I was going to sell reprints."
The guys showed up about an hour and a half later and walked into the bedroom cautiously. Suddenly we were in real danger of a group hug. They set to work after ascertaining that all was well again. Dinner was comical to say the least. The chicken magically turned into charcoal in record time, may have had something to do with the idiot who shall go unnamed, Kyle, that was goofing with the lighter fluid. We chipped in for pizza after getting the well- deserved fire lecture from dad. We settled down into the living room and unfortunately my pain pills knocked me out really fast. I woke briefly to Chris carrying me into my room, and Case (un) dressing me for bed. I remember nothing after that.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
And there it is, I hope it was worth the wait. As usual comments are accepted at dabeagle@nycap.rr.com