Ok, this chapter shifts gears a few times here, so you'll have to pay attention! This is broken down and the first person will shift to a couple different characters. We begin with Cris and Grant.
I left the funeral very sober, to say the least. I was holding it together right up until Chris spoke, and then the dam broke. How did this mess ever get so big? Why couldn't I be strong and decisive like him? Why couldn't I be sure of my intentions and myself? I climbed in the car with Jake and Julius and we headed back to the big rambling house they shared with me.
"I could use a cup of coffee, how about you?" Julius asked Grant.
"Surely tea would hit the spot better?" Jake chimed in.
"What are you trying to do? He's a man! He drinks coffee!" Julius retorted.
"Tea fits his refined nature." Replied Jake.
"It's a sissy drink, what are you trying to do to him?" Julius shot back.
"Um, how about if I just have a coke?" I squeezed in between their volleys.
"Coke? It rots your teeth." Jake said huffily.
"Not to mention the acid in your stomach." Added Julius.
I just sighed and sank back into the overstuffed back seat and watched the trees and tumbleweeds that served as scenery. When we got to the house I went upstairs to change out of the suit I had been given. As I hung it up I took stock of all the things in my closet, all which had come after Cris and his devotion. I hadn't meant to hurt him, but I had. And he wouldn't even talk to me. What was I supposed to do? I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong, and actually I was kind of pissed that he convicted me without even asking me anything. My head was going to split open with this dilemma.
I decided I should seek advice. I changed into jeans, tee shirt and a button up that I left open, and tugged on my sneakers before heading downstairs. I found Jake and Julius seated at the kitchen table, a cup of their choice poison in front of each of them. My usual place had a cup of each in front of it.
I sat down carefully and cut them off as they began to try and convert me to their drinking preference.
"I have a problem, and I need help." I said. I think they were both stunned into silence because in the months that I had been here I had never asked for help. Hey, I was pretty independent so I wasn't used to asking, ok? If I couldn't do it I didn't get it, but this was Cris so... I needed help.
"What seems to be troubling you?" Jake asked.
"Yes, how can we help?" Julius said lowering his cup.
"It's Cris." I said.
"What's he done to you?" Julius demanded.
"What? Nothing! Why would you think he'd done something to me?" I said exasperatedly. "You know, for adults sometimes you guys act like kids!"
"Well," Julius said dryly, "If it weren't for jumping to conclusions I'd get no exercise at all."
They waited for me to gather my thoughts and then I began to speak slowly at first, then gaining strength and speed.
"Cris, um, he came out to me the night I moved in, and, well you have to understand Cris for it to be significant I guess, but he cried. Cris never cries, I've seen him leave road rash from falling in gym and not cry." I looked form one to the other meaningfully. "He told me he loved me, and I knew I loved him but I wasn't sure if it was the kind of love he wanted from me so badly, and I didn't want to let him down. So we have been dating, experimenting a bit, not too much. It's hard for me to let go to someone, even Cris." I felt ashamed at that, but I knew if I was to have any resolution I had to be honest when I could manage it.
"I have tried very hard, even to the point of publicly admitting being gay to kick start myself, but still something held me back, something inside. And it hurts, mostly because it hurts Cris. So I went to Justin for advise, mostly cause I feel comfortable talking to him about this since I did it before, but also cause since I came out it seems like everyone looks at me like a piece of meat and he doesn't." And I added as an afterthought, "Besides, he's cute."
Julius's eyebrows went up.
"But when he talked to me, it made sense and I was happy cause I knew what I needed to do, so I was going to leave and we hugged goodbye and thank you, and I guess Cris was on his way over to the house to talk to Justin too, and he saw the hug and came to his own conclusions. He thinks I was cheating, and that's why he won't talk to me."
They leaned back and seemed to be in deep thought. Jake had realized this could happen, after all he had known of Cris before Grant had.
"Well," Jake started, "I wish we had said something to you so you could have felt comfortable bringing this to us earlier. We knew of Cris's feelings long before you did and I was afraid of something like this."
I goggled at him. They knew before I did? I said as much.
"Yes, Cris came to see me and we sat down with Julius and discussed you for a while. Once he convinced us that we would be good for each other, well." He gestured with his hands, "At the same time I knew this day would come since he hadn't at that point said anything to you. And, now it has."
"You mean, Cris was the one that got me adopted?" I asked.
"Well, he planted the seed, we actually carried the water bucket and spread liberal amounts of fertilizer, but yes." Julius replied over his cup.
"However let us keep in mind, these things were done of his free will, not as an effort to gain a reciprocal reward. It was done from friendship, and love I daresay, but we shouldn't judge that he did this to get something from you, understand?"
I nodded dumbly.
"So, as to the problem at hand, have you ever spoken affectionately of Justin to him?"
"No, never. I don't speak affectionately of anyone." I replied.
"Ok, well, what was going on between you two privately then, to make him think maybe you wanted Justin instead?"
"I don't know for sure. I know I was struggling with the relationship, I know I love him but I need time and space, not that he was pushing, but I... I realized this morning just how much I do love him. I looked around the room and realized that I'd trade anything to have him back here right now; to get another hug it's... He's really the one for me. He was there first, last and always. I have to fix this." I said.
"Hi, may I speak to Cris please?" Casey asked.
"Hold on." The voice said while retreating from the phone. Calling had been Justin's idea, and he also seemed to think that Casey should do the calling, as he probably wouldn't take Justin's call. Casey thought Justin should keep these ideas to himself.
"Hey Dude, it's Case."
"Oh, hi. How're you?" Cris asked listlessly.
"I'm good. Um, Justin and I talked and, um, I think we might have over reacted."
"Wh... What do you mean?" Cris asked with a hopeful edge so plain it actually pained Casey.
"Well, I guess Grant came over to talk about what was happening with you guys, and when they got done talking Grant said thanks and hugged Justin. That's it, but you don't have to take my word for it. I trusted Just when he told me, but here's someone else who actually walked in as it all happened."
Cris waited anxiously as the phone changed hands and he found himself on the line with Justin's dad.
"Hi Cris. I hear there has been a misunderstanding?" Mr. Corcoran asked.
"Um, maybe. I hope so." Cris replied cautiously.
"Well, I don't know how important it is, but I saw my son and Grant breaking a hug, and I saw your backside retreating through my begonias."
'Um, really? Are you sure?"
"Well, they are my begonias, I should know!" He retorted.
"Yes, this is great! This is... Oh no, what do I say to Grant?"
"Try sorry, then plan on spending Saturday morning putting my begonias in order!" Cris hastily agreed and then speed dialed Grant's house.
"Palmer nut hatchery, head nut speaking."
"Um, hi Julius. May I speak to Grant please?" Cris asked.
"Ah, the prodigal lover returns." Julius stated in a sneering fashion.
Cris thought he would drop the phone, they knew! He heard a small argument and then Grant came on the line.
"Hello?" Grant said nervously.
"Hi."
"Hi." Silence filled the line with a deafening roar before Cris broke the silence again.
"Can, ah, can we talk? Can I see you?"
"Yeah, sure that'd be great. C'mon over." Grant said.
He hung up the phone and looked at Julius.
"I just wanted to see if you would defend him, if you felt as strongly ten minutes after deciding who he is to you. Now fight again to save yourselves." Julius said before heading off to pour more coffee.
I sat on the front porch a bundle of nerves as I waited. It was weird cause I was excited to see him, angry with him for jumping to conclusions and scared that I might yet lose him. Again I thought of Chris's strength, choosing to remember his father when days were better, sunnier. I knew in my heart that the problem with Cris and I was that I needed to let go and trust more than I was, no, more than I ever have before.
Now some may find this strange, but as much as I trusted Cris, it probably wasn't anywhere near what anyone else handed out in trust to a casual relationship even. It was very hard for me to trust, and it wasn't that I wanted to hold back, but when the moment of release came I wasn't able to. As a child we instinctively trusted our parents, that they would never hurt us and we go on trusting them until that covenant is broken, if it ever is. Mine did more than break it, it was more like napalm. But if I wanted to fix things I needed to find it again, I had to trust like a child.
I saw him approaching and my heart did a small flip and my chest seemed to tighten. He smiled when he saw me and hope seemed to flare across his face. I stood to meet him and walked down the stairs to the sidewalk where we stood in awkward silence.
He looked down for a moment, then into my eyes. "I'm sorry. For everything."
"You?" I was speechless; he thought it was his fault!
"I know I should have trusted you, I should have asked what was going on instead of just saying that you were cheating." He cast his eyes down at the sidewalk and pushed to toe of his sneaker into the concrete. My eyes watered and I turned away to wipe them. I saw Jake and Julius in the bay window watching every move with interest. I had to smile; I had so many who cared for me now. However, this was my moment and Jake and Julius could have a 'family moment' with me after this was over. I put my arm around Cris's shoulders and said, "Let's take a walk."
And walk we did, in silence across the few streets that separated us from one of the two town parks. This was the tamer of the two, no basketball courts, no baseball diamonds just grass and a medium sized white gazebo that was rented out for weddings and such. We walked under a huge weeping willow and sat beneath it, feeling the slight breeze ruffle our hair and carry the seeds of dandelions on the wind. We leaned against the great trunk of the willow, and I was somehow comforted by it's large drooping branches gently swaying to and fro in the breeze. The silence was comfortable, at least to me, but I knew it had to end, things had to be said. I know Cris knew that I had no parents to speak of, but I had never told a soul the circumstances. I think he might understand me better, might still want me around if he knew. At least he might be able to have more patience with me.
"I don't really blame you." I said. "I know I was sending you mixed signals and I knew I needed to bounce ideas off of someone else. Julius wouldn't work, he's... Well, he means well, leave it at that." I began.
"I should have asked you about what I saw, but I know we weren't on the same page anymore, and it made sense that you found someone else, I mean, you'd be nuts not to like Justin, right?" Cris sighed.
I smiled, "He's cute, and a good friend. When we went to the camp this last time I talked to him about us."
"You did?" Cris asked in surprise.
"Sure, well I needed some info and since he and Casey were already a couple I figured who better to ask, right?" Cris nodded his head in agreement.
"So when I was stuck in this mess, I thought I should try what worked the first time and talk to him. Good idea, bad result. But there's some stuff we need to get out in the open." Cris visibly swallowed. I smiled again, "It's nothing bad, well actually some if it really sucks but you need to know, and what's more you have a right to if you want me around." I said. He sat in expectation of my story.
"When I was eight my dad lost his job. He and my mom took to drinking a lot. I guess, looking back they were probably depressed, and I was the last consideration they had. I never put much stock in nice things, cause we never had any. My clothes came from the Salvation Army; my shoes were taped more often than not. If I had glasses to wear, they would probably have had tape in the middle of them." I sighed deeply before continuing.
"When I was ten we were coming back from somewhere and then we just passed the house. There were police cars out front and my dad just kept driving. We drove like that for a few days, they probably wrote bad checks to cover gas and stuff. We were in this tiny town in Nevada; I don't even remember the name. I think all there was to be seen was a gas station and a liquor store. We stopped for gas and they told me to go to the bathroom." Tears began to form, tears held in for god knows how long, and it felt ok to do it. At last, it was ok to let it all out.
"I told them I didn't have to go but they said they we wouldn't be stopping for a long time, so had to. So I got out. I went into he bathroom that was around the back of the building and when I stepped in it was so gross. There was water all over the floor, in big puddles. I don't know if it was water, but it was smelly, and the toilet was backed up. I went over to the urinal, and I was trying so hard not to throw up, not to be sick. It took me forever to go, cause I really didn't have to. But when I came out of the bathroom I was so relieved that I hadn't fallen down or thrown up, and I had been to afraid to wash my hands."
I felt Cris move closer to me and was comforted by his presence.
"I walked to the front of the gas station and the car was... Gone. All that was left was an oil spot because the car leaked so badly. I waited, and I cried for my parents. But you know that they never came back. I never saw them again. Some people might say that since they had no way to raise me they had been kind to let the law take it from there. The truth was I was just an extra mouth to feed. They didn't want me, and from that day I have never trusted people too well. I do trust you Cris, but there's a part of me down deep that's rotten and sour from all that stuff, from holding it in and I... I'm the one that's sorry. I couldn't give myself to you because I lost that trust, that faith."
Tears were running down his face and I was struggling to maintain my composure, for once in my life I had to be strong for the right reasons, and Cris was the best reason I had ever had.
"Today I looked at my room when I got home. I looked at the house, at Jake and Julius and all the things that have happened to me in the last few months and I found out something, that I thought I'd never think.
I always wanted a room of my own, people to care for me, to get on my case for being out late or to tell me not to smoke or drink. People that would say those things because they loved me. I have all those things but I realized today that they don't mean as much as I thought they did, because the reason they happened for me was because someone already loved me. None of it would have happened without you. And I don't really want any of it if you're not a part of my life. I want this to work, I do love you I just need you to be patient with me, if you can."
"The past few days have been so empty and lonely without you man, "Cris began, "I just... I need you Grant, as my friend more than anything else. You have no idea the strength and comfort you give me. I'll do anything, whatever it takes. I promise."
We held each other for a long time that day, just the two of us under the weeping willow. Many times as I look back on my life I can pick that time, that moment when I can say that was my first and finest defining moment.
We walked back to my house some time later, and as we came up the walk I caught movement in the windows and two miscreants hurrying to pretend they hadn't been watching through the windows for our return. I smiled to myself and said to Cris, "In case you ever wonder, and in case I forget to tell you, thank you for being my friend." He just smiled. We walked through the front door to find Jake and Julius on pins and needles as they tried to 'act natural'.
"Ah, so have we ironed out our problems?" Julius asked.
"Julius, stop being nosey and drink your coffee!" Jake admonished.
"Why? You want to know as badly as I do!" Julius countered.
"Well I had hoped to back into it a little more gracefully!" Jake exclaimed.
"I'll give you something to back onto." Julius muttered.
Jake ignored him and looked at me expectantly.
"Um, can Cris stay overnight?" I asked.
My room has a TV in it, which I have never had before. It was really nice to watch what I wanted to instead of taking a vote on what came on. Usually it was MTV. My room also has a queen-sized bed, which Julius finds funny but I can't figure out why. Early sign of senility maybe? I left the window open a bit for the breeze outside, and the ceiling fan whispered in the dark.
I look at the clock and see that it's one thirty in the morning. Jake and Julius have long since retired to bed, and the local TV station is showing the test pattern. I don't remember ever feeling happier or more content on my life as I lay on top of the covers with Cris's head on my chest and one leg thrown over me. I really did it, I let go and trusted. We did everything tonight, slowly and with love and the desire to please each other. I overcame many things tonight and learned much. Sex between men can be painful, I know from guys in the home that were raped. But Chris was gentle, loving and I finally learned to let go. I found my faith, and with it a capacity to love that I never knew I had. We took turns, he and I and, though we may walk funny tomorrow, I know we will never forget this day.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town:
The sun streamed through the window, and I cursed myself for not closing the drapes the night before. I felt Casey's warm skin next to mine and I pulled him closer so that as much of my skin as possible was touching his. I felt my morning wood pressing against his cheeks and he squirmed a bit before rolling over to face me.
"I think I'd split in half if we do it again so soon." He murmured. I pulled him close again and reveled in the feeling, his warm breath riding across my chest, teasing the nipples with their warmth. I felt him stirring on my leg as certain parts of him began to wake. We lay nestled together until the urge to pee was overwhelming and I just had to get up. As I reached for sweatpants he whistled appreciatively and I felt a small slap on my ass.
"Work it baby." He said with a grin. I grinned back at him and headed to the bathroom. As I exited the bathroom and Case began to make his way down the hall my father opened up his door and passed Case on his way to the kitchen.
"Morning Casey." HE mumbled. Case grunted a reply and stepped in the bathroom. My father stopped dead and turned to look at me. I put on my most innocent look and his mouth worked in silence for a moment before he finally said, "After coffee." With that he turned and resumed his trek to the kitchen. I returned to my room for a tee shirt and Case stepped back in the room. HE grabbed me from behind and pressed against my backside wrapping his arms around my chest. I covered his hands with mine and h murmured in my ear, "I love you."
"I love you too, Casey." I replied.
"Your dad's going to go ballistic, huh?" He asked.
"Yup." I said We finished getting dressed in sweats and tee shirts and padded down to the kitchen. Dad was at the table, coffee in hand and a thoughtful expression on his face. He saw us both come in and invited us to have coffee. We sat and he looked at us soberly, almost suspiciously. We began to giggle under the glare and were squirming in our chairs.
"Well," He said wryly, "I guess that means you two are no longer virgins." He said with a shake of his head. "I certainly hope you were responsible, and I don't mind telling you I'm actually not too pleased about it. I guess it means your growing up though." He said eyeing me.
"You two," He said continuing, "Ought to know that Jean Taylor, Chris's mom, has made reservations to go home tonight. The kids will be going with her." I sat stunned.
"But, why so fast? What about school?" I said, searching for a way to keep my friend close.
"She wants to go back and get the house settled out there, and you're on break so it's the perfect time. Hey, I just found out last night, so if you want to do anything special, you'd best get it done. Plane leaves at eight twenty and you guys can't go to the airport, not enough room in the car. Besides," He said quietly, "Chris wouldn't want a long drawn out goodbye."
I was not pleased, but what could I do? Make phone calls, that's what!
"Dad, can we barbecue tonight? I want to throw a party for him, is that ok?" I asked.
"Sure, I'll go to the store and get some stuff, how about you guys get lost and show up here at three to eat?"
After making phone calls I woke Chris, who was his usual cheerful self. "C'mon," I said, "Get up, it's your last day here."
"I know that, what makes you think I want to get up and start that any sooner than I have to?" He asked petulantly. I pushed the mattress off the bed.
"You are so dead!" He yelled launching himself from the floor and tackling me. We twisted for advantage on the floor, rolling from side to side until we were both out of breath.
"C'mon, let's go to the park, play some baseball." I wheezed.
Casey, Chris and I walked over to the park. Chris kept shooting us looks, but he had been since he saw Casey there when he got up, and wearing a pair of my sweats to boot. You think he knew?
We arrived at the field and a crowd had gathered, all our friends. Kyle and Sheila, and Kyle looked so hot in shorts! Cris and Grant, and they seemed to have mended their fences; in fact it looked like they did more than that. Must be a story there! Ashley was there, but Geena was not. Seems she and he were no longer an item. Well, I guess the rest of us gay guys could stare at him all we wanted since she wasn't here to get pissed huh? I laughed to myself and shook my head. Ashley had brought his friend Pete, and Harry was there with Blair not far away.
We fanned out in the field and one person at a time came up to bat, and you have never seen worse baseball played in your life. I mean, Chris won if that tells you anything! Anything went, and did though. Ashley had just finished running to second base, and we all watched him pretty carefully since he'd been diagnosed with diabetes, but he seemed to be having a good day. Pete walked over seemingly to congratulate him, but at the last minute de-pantsed him. Oh my god did he blush, and Pete just couldn't run fast enough to get away, besides he was laughing too hard. This degenerated into a dog pile and a wild free for all.
Grass stains galore.
We all headed towards the house at quarter to three, most of us hot and sweaty. Chris and I walked next to each other; arms slung over the others shoulders.
"So, you going to miss me?" I asked.
"What's to miss?" He said, "Only my best friend, no big deal."
"You think you'll ever be back?" I asked.
"I dunno. I get a weird feeling I will though; I think my mom and your dad have a little thing going on. Don't even try to picture that!" He said laughing. We walked in companionable silence; spending the last few hours we had in each other's company.
We got to the house and the barbecue was in full swing, the last of the chicken was grilling and a large tub of macaroni salad sat on the picnic table, courtesy of Mrs. Taylor. Cut melon was laid out and corn on the cob sat under a glass cover to keep it warm. We filed around and dad made comments about feeling like a military cook. The food was better than that though. We ate and joked as we always had, but there was a sense of sorrow in the air.
Before any of us were ready, the time had come for them to depart. I was trying desperately not to cry, but Chris wasn't helping me any cause he was doing the same thing.
"I love you Just." Chris said through watering eyes, and I replied in kind. We hugged for a good long while and he climbed into the car. I reached through the window and handed him a CD, one I had made myself.
"Listen on the plane, or when you get home, or whenever you wish I was there dude." I smiled at him and he returned it. And I watched my brother pull away.
The plane ride was the most awful thing. I had met so many great people, and it killed me to leave them all behind. Especially Justin, my brother if anyone ever deserved that label and the only guy that ever really understood me. My mom sat with me on the plane, thank god because I was almost crying and I just don't think I could take my sisters right now. Everything that has happened since I got here, the first night when I thought we'd be fighting in the airport, the fight and dropping that major hint to Casey. From Justin finally being happy, to the trip to the lake, the fight, the gunshot, the media crap and my dad dying. And then, Justin who looked past everything and still loved me when I was so hard to love sometimes.
I'm really happy he has Casey; he deserves to have someone good for him too. I don't know why he likes me so much, I don't think I'm that special, but I'm so grateful that he does like me, and that we are as close as anybody could be and not be related by blood.
I pulled out the portable CD player and tucked his CD in there.
"What are you listening to?" My mom asked.
"Something Just made for me." I replied putting the speakers over my ears. I heard the words and my eyes couldn't hold back any more and I wept openly, and I think for the first time in years in front of my mom. I cried until I fell asleep in the seat long after the song ended, missing my friend more than I think would miss my heart if it was gone.
Jean Taylor held her son as he wept; she hadn't realized this would be so hard on him. What was she thinking? How much had he been through in the past six months? She rocked her son and stroked the hair back from his forehead and marveled at how well he had turned out, what a good person he had become in spite of all the odds against it. In her heart she realized that it had much to do with his friends and was once again thankful that Justin had been so loyal to him. Curiosity seized her and she wondered what Justin had put on the disc to affect Chris so much so she took the player and placed the speakers over her ears to hear.
When all our tears have reached the sea/Part of you will live in me Way down deep inside my heart The days keep coming without fail / New wind is gonna find your sail That's where your journey starts
You'll find better love / Strong as it ever was / Deep as the river runs / Warm as the morning sun Please remember me
Just like the waves down by the shore / I'm gonna keep coming back for more Cause we don't ever want to stop Out in this brave new world you see / Oh the valleys and the peaks And I can see you on the top
You'll find better love / Strong as it ever was / Deep as the river runs / Warm as the morning sun Please remember me
Remember me when your out walking / When the snow falls high outside your door Late at night when your not sleeping / And light falls across your floor And I can't hurt you anymore
You'll find better love / Strong as it ever was / Deep as the river runs / Warm as the morning sun Please remember me
Please remember me
She wiped her eyes and made-up her mind, that settled it. When she got back to Boston she was selling the house and moving the family. After all, Justin's father had made it clear over their stay that he was and had always been interested, and now there was no reason why all of them shouldn't be happy. He had even offered to have them live there, and if it didn't work they could part friends. The girls would be happy with a real father figure around, Chris would get someone who could only be called his brother, and god knows he needs and deserves to have that. And she would finally have a man in her life that was worth a damn. She looked at Chris and smiled as he slept.
"Don't worry baby, Mom's on the ball this time." She said while placing a small kiss on his forehead and held him tight feeling the first real signs of relief and she marveled at what a little direction in someone's life can do.
Fin
That's it my friends, Begin Anew is over a year after it first began with Moving is Hard. I'd like to thank all of you that stuck with me this far. Sometimes I read over this story and I think to myself, 'What were you thinking??' but in the end I am happy with the characters and the way things went. Although I would have done a few things differently.
So is that all we'll see from these guys? Prolly not. I don't know about you guys, but I like em so I'm sure we'll see em again sometime, but they won't be under the Begin Anew title, I think we're well past the beginning, don't you?
Thanks go out to Pete, Sid, Ashley, Trey, Thad, Bob, John, Driver, Zafer, Chris, the whole GWG, David the Nifty Archivist, and so many others if I tried it's be an Oscar speech or something.
Licks and Tail wags,
Dabeagle
April 25, 2001