Easier To Walk Away
I took the bus from the hospital to the stop nearest my house, about three blocks away and slowly started to walk from there. Do I dare hope? I should just be happy that I made a new friend, I know that, but I knew I wanted it to be so much more. The autumn evening was pleasantly warm and a slight breeze rolled down the street and rippled my hair as I took my time walking home. I idly wondered as I walked about the possibilities, but shot them down one by one as the reality of my own life kept intruding on these pleasant thoughts. Finally I just decided to daydream, then it could be anything I wanted and nothing was out of reach. I could serenade him with a song, even if I couldn't sing, I could buy a grand piece of jewelry to display my affections, even though I have no money. Everyone should daydream more, I think, it's the one place reality has a limited grip on things.
I neared my house and trudged up the walk, lost in thought. I greeted my dad and declined his offer of dinner; I was too high at the moment. He insisted though, so I begged off long enough to shower. I went to my room and robotically gathered my change of clothes and then headed for the bathroom. I didn't feel any better once I was done, reality once again asserting it's grip on me, but I felt ok enough to be with my dad for a bit. Strange, I felt so much for this person that in this one day I felt as though I had been married and divorced with him already, a real roller coaster of emotions. Too weird.
Dad made small talk over dinner, asking this and that. I replied in kind, except that I told him about the gathering at Kyle's the next night. After putting the dishes away from dinner I headed to my room and lay on my bed in the dark, waiting for sleep to claim me. I was full of an unnamable energy though, a really strange variety. I couldn't sit still, but neither did I have the strength to actually do anything. I rolled on my side and looked out onto the street and let my eyes rove aimlessly.
I spotted him after a few passes, hidden in the shadows. He paced slightly as though nervous, and then stopped. It almost appeared as though he were looking at my house, and don't ask why I thought it was a he cause I couldn't see the face, but something just seemed to whisper to me....I don't know. I just felt sure it was a he. Maybe even HIM.
I watched out my window and then reached out and cranked it open just a bit, just out of curiosity. I listened carefully for any tell tale sounds but heard nothing. The figure continued to be still, and then stepped forward hesitantly and the moon illuminated his face for just a moment as he retreated in to the gloom once more. It was Casey, I was sure of it! What was he doing over there though?
I watched intently, and then got a bit of inspiration. I crept to my door in the dark and out into the dim hallway, then about faced and switched on the light in my room as I entered. Not only could I not see him in the gloom, what with the reflection on the glass and all, but I was blind from the sudden increase in light as well. I went to my dresser and removed the shirt I was wearing and put on a new tee for bed, then stepping out of my sweatpants I stretched and laid out on the bed, seemingly oblivious to my surroundings. I switched on my bedside lamp and then turned off the overhead light and crawled back into bed. I picked up a book from my nightstand and feigned reading for a few minutes. My initial enthusiasm was waning for this game and I suddenly realized that I couldn't be sure who exactly that was across the street, after all that glimpse was very brief. I put the book down and switched off the light and reached for the window crank. My hand froze as I touched the smooth metal of the handle, every so softly I heard singing in a beautiful, melodic voice that could only belong to Casey. It faded in and out, but I knew the song well enough. Just not who did it.
I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am*
The figure glided away in to the gloom, and I began to cry silently. What should I have done?
"Your listening to today's best mix of music Reno, so rise and shine on this Beootiful Sunday morning, I think.." I slapped the alarm clock off. I can't believe I forgot to turn it off, who gets up at seven on a Sunday? I trundled my way down to breakfast, which I could smell from down the hall. I guess that answers who is up at seven on a Sunday, huh? I made a pit stop in the bathroom, and then sidled into the kitchen. Once again I entered the world of small talk with my dad. Strange, he is usually more interesting than this. I asked him if anything was wrong. "Well, yes and no." He replied putting our plates on the table. "That explains a lot, dad." "Yeah. Your mother called last night." He said slowly. "You know how much she enjoys spreading bad news as quickly as her mouth can move."
I remained silent. I had no defense; that was my mom to a T.
"First, your Grandpa Roy passed. She wants you to go to the funeral, so she is flying you out tomorrow morning."
The news was no shock. Roy had been in a nursing home for most of my life, and bad as it sounds I had no real emotional attachments to him.
"And her other news was about Chris."
My attention was focused on him now; Chris had been my only real friend back east and I still missed him.
"His dad is back at it again, and this time his mom is afraid he'll go after Chris. I guess Chris wouldn't let his father beat on her this time, so she wants to send him somewhere he'll be safe. He doesn't want to leave her, but the police can't find him and his mother is terrified that he'll find Chris and, and so I told her he could stay here. He'll be flying back with you."
I tried to absorb the information and tears welled in my eyes. That bastard! Didn't he realize what a great son he had? Why did he have to do this? Poor Chris, I thought.
"Dad, can I call Chris?"
"Yeah, there is a phone card next to the hall phone."
I stood from the table, breakfast untouched and floated down to the telephone. It was completely surreal, like it was happening on TV or something. I mindlessly followed the prompts for using the card; then dialed his number from memory.
"Hello?" Came a hesitant voice.
"Hi, Mrs. Taylor, it's Justin."
"Oh, Justin! Oh, Hi honey, how are you? How is Nevada? Oh, you'll want Chris, he'll be so excited, hang on sweetie."
Fortunately, Chris got his mothers sweet nature, but not her scatterbrain tendencies.
"Just? Hey, dude! I was just thinking about you."
"Oh yeah? Jackin off again?"
"Hehe, naw. Dog just took a dump on the carpet, smells real bad. Whooeee!"
"You want to talk about bad breath? Yours always smelled like an anchovies cunt. Even after your once a year brushing."
"Dude, that was low. Hehe. So, you heard I guess, huh?"
"Yeah, man. I'm so sorry, I just don't understand why he can't see you the way I do."
"Thanks man." He snuffled into the phone.
"Chris, I'll be there in person tomorrow, but you know I'm really already there, right?"
"I know, always you and me right? I just wish it wasn't so far away. I really wish you were here right now, man."
"I am Chris, believe me I am." I said stifling tears for his sake.
"So, man we'll be together again for a while, huh? Silver lining stuff."
"Yeah, I have some good friends here for you to meet. I know they'll love you."
"Hey, still strictly AC here, man. I love you and all, but...yeach."
"Me? You are the one who drools over Hanson for Christ sake!"
"Oh, man, another low blow. Hehe. Got a girl yet?"
"Um, no. Not really."
"Well, it'll happen. Listen, I gotta help mom get a few things done before I'm not here to help her, so I'll see you tomorrow night, huh?"
"You bet, buddy."
"Bye, Just. And thanks. I really needed this."
"Welcome, and anytime."
I hung up the phone and cried forcefully letting go of all the emotions I held in check for his sake. His voice was so lost and broken, and through all that he still tried to make jokes! No one, except Kyle and Sheila knew about feelings, not even Chris. Funny how close his jokes come sometimes though, makes you wonder just a bit.
I found out eventually that dad had chores lined up for me, thus the early wake up. I strongly suspected him of tampering with my alarm clock as well. Hmm.
I put on my sweatpants from the night before and kept on the tee I was wearing. Slept in or not I was only working in the yard, so who cares? I began the tedious task of raking the back yard, all the while visions of last night dancing in my head. If it really had been Casey, and if he had been singing to me, maybe there was some happiness to be found here after all. Not that I'm displeased with Kyle, but I needed love too, just like the old Rod Stewart tune says. Dad played that beat cassette far too much; it was invading my conscious thought processes.
So I labored under the Autumn Nevada sun with thoughts of Casey and Chris rolling through my head. I also had a curious thought. Sheila had said Kyle was friendless for two years after the seizure at Toby's house. How did that little band of obviously popular kids get Kyle as a ringleader? Hmm, curious to say the least. That will be a question to ask tonight. For some reason I felt a strange sense of foreboding about tonight, as though something momentous would occur. Or maybe I just had an active imagination. Well, there really is no question about that is there?
Along about two o'clock I finished up and headed in for a much-needed shower, and after that was done I lounged in a pair of shorts and a tee in my room watching TV. Well, I was looking in the TV's general direction, anyway. I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't heard my father calling me, and so was joined in my room with him and Cris in tow.
"Justin, you have company. Feeling up to it?"
"Oh, yeah dad thanks. Just, y'know, daydreaming."
"Ok, well I just get on out of here then."
"Sup?" Cris asked
"Hey, what're you doing here?"
"What a person can't visit his friends?"
"No, I didn't mean.."
"Ok, you found me out. I work for a charity organization that takes pity on the worlds worst basketball players, and you're on their hit list!"
We laughed and any tension there was dissipated. We talked about school, made fun of Stacey Reamer, especially her conniption fit! We just lay back on my bed and talked about nothing for two hours and it was so good, this was an easy friendship.
"Cris, can I ask you a serious question?"
"Um, yeah sure. Shoot."
"I was wondering, Sheila told me about Kyle's seizure at Toby's birthday party, and then said that no one would deal with him after that, but he obviously has you guys...so I guess I'm confused."
"Oh, I thought this was going to be a hard question! I didn't move here until a year and a half ago or so, so I missed the big coming out party altogether, and Kyle and I got along well. I have never been the type to allow someone else's perception of events to decide my own opinion, so that explains me." "Now, Casey comes from a well off family and he rarely cares what anyone thinks, in fact I think he and Kyle became friends after the incident. I think Casey just saw a good opportunity for a real friend, someone that would appreciate him for him. There are a lot of folks that take advantage of him cause he's well off." "Um let's see, who's left? Blair? He likes to play hoop, and he likes Case and me so he goes along with just about whatever we say. If he had any negativity about Kyle, he never showed it around us. And last, but not least, Grant. Grant is a real loner anyway, very shy and private and he adores Blair, follows him like a puppy so he never said anything about Kyle either. And yeah, he didn't have many friends after that little deal, but he also pushed away. We were there for him, but only when he let us. So to a lot of people he looked alone. I think he thought he was doing right by us, like folks wouldn't like us if we were seen with him or something, not that it stopped me or Case, but he would really avoid us sometimes."
"Jeez, if he avoided you guys so much why'd you keep trying?"
"Well, part of it was we felt bad, you know? No one should have that happen to him or her. And the other thing was because we knew he was just hurting, like he really wanted us around and he was just afraid, you know?"
"Wow. That is intense."
"Nah, just good friends. I think he knows who's there for him now; he kinda loosened up a bit over time. Hehe, a long time!"
"You going to his place tonight?"
"Yeah, we all are. Um so tell me, now that you have our history, what makes you tick?"
So I rehashed my life for him, adding in that I was hading out tomorrow to bring back another Chris.
"Christopher is the most awesome name. I like him already." Cris said nodding.
I couldn't help but laugh.
"So, dude, what'd you think of the gang?"
"I liked 'em all. Grant didn't say much and Blair was always on the other side of the court so I didn't really talk to them much, but they joked and stuff before the game so I felt comfortable with them."
"Cool. You really struck a chord with Casey, man. It's like some people just set him off, vibes or something."
"Oh, really? That's cool. I liked him too." I said quietly. This was actually kind of weirding me out.
"Well, don't be surprised if you see him creeping around corners, sometimes he gets like, so shy and he won't get near you unless there is a crowd!"
My thoughts flashed to last night. Was that you Casey?
"I gotta go man, talk to you tonight?"
"Yeah, man. Later."
I was high as a kite the rest of the day, walking on air. I struck a chord with Casey! Cris said it! Oh, man I was so nervous I was just about shaking myself apart. I took my time getting dressed so I would look my best, combed my hair just so and generally made a fuss over myself.
Dad was in the living room playing his old Elton John out there, and the words floated in to me:
If you knew me like you know him You would know just how I feel Slipping through somebody's fingers Falling under someone's wheels
It's easier to walk away Cover up and fade to black When love scars and leaves you branded Walk away, and don't look back
Man, I liked Elton and all, but he could be so depressing and I was in no mood! I started out the door waving to my dad when the music cut and he offered me a ride. I thanked him and said I'd walk, it was really nice out.
And walk I did, enjoying another balmy evening with its accompanying gentle breeze. I walked excitedly; trying not to read too much into the whole thing, at the same time unable to stop. I almost skipped there! I approached Kyle's house and saw the lighted rooms and the first few people arriving standing on the front porch. I walked in with a song in my heart.
"Just, what's up man?" Kyle called out. I smiled at him and headed over to greet him. He threw his arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze.
"Hey, bro. How are feeling?"
"Good, now that all my friends are here."
I blushed. I'm doing that more and more these days.
"Oh, Um come over here man." He said grabbing me by the arm and steering me out to the kitchen. In the kitchen, engaged in conversation with Mr. Pritchard were two older fellows, although obviously in good shape.
"Um, Uncle Jake? This is my friend Justin I told you about."
"Well, indeed it is. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Master Justin. Kyle tells me you haven't been in town long, how do you like our fair hamlet?"
"Yes, I too am anxious to hear you thoughts, so many older people have no respect for what the youth of America thinks." Added the other fellow.
"Um, well I like it ok, I have good friends so I guess anything else is small potatoes after that."
"Lad is a genius. At, what, fourteen? He already has a handle on life! Good choice, Kyle, very good indeed!" This from Uncle Jake.
"Oh, indeed yes quite the handle on life I'd have to agree. Now look here young fellow, take a look at this picture and tell me if that isn't real friendship there, hmm?"
Uncle Jake seemed to stiffen at the suggestion but said nothing.
The other fellow pulled out his wallet and showed me a picture that was worn with age, but clearly showed two teenage boys who were obviously close. They were at a pool, it looked like, and the shorter one had his arm looped up around his counterparts vaulted shoulders. The taller one was cute, but no match for the shorter guy, a real vision he was.
"Um, yeah. They look like best buds." I said. And they also looked familiar for some reason.
"They are still!" Cackled the fellow.
"Julius, will you behave yourself?" Jake asked in an exasperated tone.
"I'm doing nothing wrong! Justin, if you need summer work I can use you down at the shop, here is my card. Now don't you work somewhere else!" He grinned.
"Julius, the boy can work where he chooses! I'm sorry, I should have left him at home, come on. Kyle I am so glad you are feeling better, come round and see us tomorrow after school, hmm?"
"Ok, Uncle Jake. Bye"
I began to wander out in to the room with the other kids, in fact I started to several times and each time I tried, Kyle pulled me back in the kitchen. Finally I escaped! Jeez, he was nervous about something!
I stepped into the murmur of noises and made my way over to Cris.
"Hey, there you are. Kyle trying to keep you all to himself tonight?"
"No, I wasn't." Came the reply from behind me.
"Well, It's not like were here to see you or anything!"
"I was introducing Just to my Uncle Jake, you know how he likes to meet everyone!"
"True, true. Julius show him that picture?" Cris said with a smile.
"Yeah, just like always. I think he's a nut."
I scanned the room for Casey, at last spotting him..Kissing a girl!?
"Um, so Just what did you think of Jake, huh? What a guy, right?" Kyle asked nervously.
"Who? Oh, yeah, great. Um, I didn't know Case had a girlfriend." I replied casually.
"Her? Oh, yeah they've been dating forever. Nice gal too." Cris said.
Nice gal? My heart fell down to the floor and the song my dad was playing before began to haunt me and I suddenly felt closed in. Casey seemed to spot me and head in my direction, but everything was in slow motion. I felt as though I would be sick. I quickly made a lame excuse about needing to pack and bolted before Casey got close enough to see the tears that I felt coming on.
Out into the cool night air I ran, voices called to me at first then faded into the night, and still my legs pumped and my heart ached. Finally I was forced to stop and walked quickly home. I stopped long enough to dry my tears in case my father was in view, but he was in his room on the computer. I just called that I was going in my room to pack and closed the door on the world. I sat heavily on my bed and cried as reality increased it's crushing weight on my heart. Nice gal? I bet she is, but she isn't supposed to be dating him! He sang to me, dam it! I know he did. But the longer I sat, the more the lyrics washed over me and the more I saw them for what they were. An omen.
Every time you turn around/you wear another face Every time I look away/I find a hiding place If you knew me like you know him/You would know just how I feel Slipping through some body's fingers/Falling under some one's wheels
It's easier to walk away/better off to face the facts When love holds you up for ransom/Walk away and don't look back
Never seen you looking back through/Smiling eyes and tears Never knew you're holding onto/Memories and fears Just release me I can't take it/Can't you see a change has come? Strangled by infatuation/Buried under some one's thumb
It's easier to walk away/cover up and fade to black When love scars and leaves you branded/Walk away and don't look back
So maybe after the hurt was gone I could deal huh? Just walk away- the best thing to do really. After all, Kyle would never tell so who else could know?
I'd be ok, if my heart would just stop breaking.
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