CHAPTER TEN
FROM JUNE to September, Lanyu had absolutely nothing to do. He wanted me to find him a job. He said it was not for the money, just the practical experience. I promised, on the condition that he went to a driving school. He got a lot of designing and graphic jobs from my friends who were operating construction companies. And he became even busier than I was. The day he got his driving license, I gave him a 'Lexus' as a gift. He just laughed and said "Great!" when he accepted. That was all. My business was not doing well. There were 'embargoes' all around. I didn't care, because everybody was in the same boat. It was only temporarily. But snow had to be followed by sleet at this time. One of my warehouses caught fire. Small electrical household appliances worth over seven million dollars were destroyed. Liu Qsing was indisputably responsible. I told Lanyu I was going to fire Liu Qsing when we were chatting. "Is that worth it? You've been friends all these years." He said looking at a visualization drawing he had just completed. "He has gone too far. He knew this was the hardest time and he did this to me." "He's not directly responsible." Lanyu was still putting on the finishing touches. He had told me it was an ink and watercolor construction picture. "I have known there were problems with the circuits in the warehouse and told him to get electricians to fix it." "Didn't you tell me that his child was seriously ill these couple of days? He must have been too busy and it slipped his mind." Lanyu was always on the forgiving side. "That's his own problem. Who's going to redeem me for my loss? I'm being quite generous for not suing him." "You businessmen are so cold-hearted." He laughed. "It is only profit that counts in business. You can't be compassionate. This you must learn." I told him with a disciplinary tone. "What about business aside? Among friends?" He asked casually. I didn't answer. I didn't know. "You can't recoup you loss even if you fired him. He's a nice man. If you let him off this time, he would be extremely grateful!...Fuck! Ruined!" He seemed to have blotched a part of his picture.. I didn't go on arguing with him. I was thinking about how I should handle this too. I was feeling that Lanyu was influencing me in a big way. He himself had not changed. Except having grown taller and more handsome, and richer his technique in bed, he was the same as I had seen him the first time.
THERE WAS a slight knock on my door and Liu Qsing slipped inside. He never had been the one to knock. After a moment of silence, Liu Qsing opened his mouth first: "Han-tung, you don't have to say anything. I know I am responsible. These few years under you, I have put away several tens of thousand dollars. Just let this be my repayment. I just want to ask of you for one thing. Please do not take back the house for the mean time. You know that my brother is staying with my parents and I can't go back. Just wait till I have found a place....or Sze-ling and Siu-wai would..." Liu Qsing was also staying in a unit at 'Temporary Village', which was owned by my company just like the apartment I was having. He sounded so difficult. This was the first time things were so embarrassing between us. I cut him short: "This is the most difficult time for the company. Business is no good as it is. This fire has made it even tougher. It is difficult to go on." I deliberately exaggerated. "I have told little Chow to type up a memo. Chiang Ming and Chiang Shun-kuo will be laid off. They were the ones who were directly responsible." I paused deliberately, then said: "As for you. I will deduct three months of your salary. You will work for me for free for three months. I hope this could be a lesson to you. Don't tell anyone in the company. I will tell finance to deduct directly." Liu Qsing looked surprised. "How's Siu-wai" I asked. "The fever has not subsided. It's been almost two weeks." He said scowling. "I've had someone contact the chief of internal medicine at Children's Hospital. Make the transfer fast. That little hospital of yours is no good." Liu Qsing looked at me, seemingly lost. "Sze-ling has a contract linked with that hospital. I'm afraid that a transfer is not possible." "Never mind. Just make the transfer. The company will be responsible for all expenses at the Children's Hospital. Don't worry about that. If something happened to the child, it would be too late to regret it." I told him harshly. He didn't look up and he didn't say anything. I said again: "You will be busy these few days. I will not ask you to work on office hours. Just keep an eye on things for me from eight in the morning to two in the afternoon. I'll do the work the rest of the time. People are restless now. I can't ask anyone else to do the job." He didn't look up for a long time. When he did, I saw that his eyes were red and moist. He was incoherent. ".....Okay! I'm going now." I had given out a loan of compassion. Lanyu taught me to do so. I could never imagine that more than four years later I was to be repaid many folds in interest.
WINTER WAS here again. And there had been heavy snow. Liu Qsing invited me to his house to eat Szechuan hot pot, and asked me to bring Lanyu. It was a wonderful night. Lanyu had a way with children. He hit off just right with Siu-wai. He pulled Lanyu into his room to see his 'Little Red Flower'. Seeing them going into Siu-wai's room, Liu Qsing said to me: "How nice it would be if he was a girl." I knew Liu Qsing liked to speak his mind, so I didn't hold any grudge. "I would not want him if he was a girl." I said tongue-in-cheek, "He really is interesting." "That's normal too. Even with a cat or a dog, you would have some feelings after a long time. And he is so nice." Liu Qsing explained, meaning well. He could not understand my feelings about Lanyu. He would never understand. "But, you are quite a sentimental guy too!" He laughed and said. Liu Qsing's wife---Sze-ling was from Szechuan. She was once the belle of the school, and she had 'stooped' to marry Liu Qsing. Sometimes, looking at their loving ways, I was almost envious. She was well brought up, was hospitable and proper. She must be aware of the thing about Lanyu, but she did not have that attitude of curiosity, scrutiny or discrimination at all, whatever she was thinking deep down, she treated him just like she would treat a casual friend on the surface. Very late at night, when Siu-wai had gone to bed, the four of us drank and chatted. We were a little inebriated, and I took Lanyu's hand, which he had placed on the table, out of habit and put it on my lap. I just held on to his hand and chatted on, and none of us minded this. This was a feeling of acceptance that had never surfaced before. I didn't want them to pretend and to hide their feelings. Everything was so natural and in harmony now. Outside, the cold snow was still falling...
"THE FIRST of May' was the labor-day festival and on top of that it was the anniversary of the school. Lanyu had close to a week of holiday. Our trip to the Southeast Asia was finally realized. We had a very good time. Nobody knew us there. We could even be real close on a main street. I had always thought it would be more fun and exciting to change sexual partners constantly. I had never thought that there could be happiness with a steady partner. Even the strong urge to possess and the jealousy were invigorating. Once, in a restaurant, I went to the toilet. When I returned, I saw Lanyu gazing at a very handsome Singapore boy. I walked over and slapped him on the head hard. He was sheepish. I told him I would not allow him to like anybody else, not even a glance only, or I would kill him. His face was very red and he didn't say anything for a long time. Afterwards, he tried to please me the whole night. Actually he was more sensitive and critical than I was, and it was getting more and more serious. If he saw me talking to a beautiful boy or girl, he would become sultry and silent, and I had to pamper him to cheer him up. And if I wanted to do something 'unfaithful', I must be very careful and cautious, I could absolutely not let him find out. But I didn't complain. Though I had Lanyu as a steady companion, I did not give up entirely sleeping with women. I went to bed with them not because I liked them or needed them physically. It was a mental need. I wanted to prove that I was a normal man. I remember once when we went to see a show featuring sex change men. He asked me what was the difference between them and women. I told him they were all men, with most of them retaining their private parts, while others had them removed surgically. He said that was too disgusting. I asked him if he wanted to get one of them to play with. He looked at me startled and said, "Are you sick?" I knew Lanyu had very conservative and traditional values, but I was not clear as to how he viewed what he was doing now. I never discussed our relationship with him, but I felt that both of us thought it was certainly not normal. China at that time was more backwards. It was difficult for us to find a channel to properly understand our feelings. Besides, we were unconsciously avoiding trying to understand it.
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CHAPTER ELEVEN
AUGUST. I went to the US with a team of tradel representatives. I had not been that interested because I had very little business concerning the US. Unexpectedly, I landed a big buyer there and I started to be in the textile business. When the American asked me about 'quotas', I told the interpreter that it was just a small dish and the interpreter told the American it was peanuts. I had thought I could stay there for a few more days and to have some fun in Las Vegas and LA. But my mind was not on it. Because I had been there before, and because I missed Lanyu. I particularly missed him. I wanted to go home alone... At the airport in Beijing, I could spot Lanyu a long way off. After the summer, he was a little bit more tanned and was even more attractive. He was wearing a pair of blue shorts, with a loose-fitting gray T-shirt without collar. Several small buttons were on the top of the T-shirt, undone casually. I could see his smooth, healthy and youthful skin and I was hot all over, and my heart thumped. His hair was a bit long, parting not so neatly in the center and loosely rolled down his forehead. This was the hairstyle I wanted him to have. He had not liked it, saying it made him look like a Taiwanese. But he would always do what I liked coming to this kind of things. He stood there quite outstanding. Two girls were coming out with me and they all had eyes on him. He saw me and waved to me... We were hardly out of the airport when I almost couldn't control my lust. I looked at him with 'that kind' of feelings in my eyes. I deliberate moved close to him when we were getting the car and placing my luggage in the boot. I even brushed him with my face. His breath started to quicken too. We were silent in the car. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, looking ahead, but his heart must be thumping too. I reached out and placed my hand gently on his crotch, kneading slowly. He was very hard. "Don't, Han-tung. Please let me drive properly." He said flustered. I continued to feel him. I knew he was a man of strong self-control. He would keep his mind on driving. "I want to torment him, until he could take it no longer!" I thought with excitement and insanity. He stopped the car in front of a hotel. I asked: "What are you doing?" "I can't drive home!" he said looking at me. We didn't say anything anymore. We quickly went into the lobby, got ourselves a room. The moment the door closed, Lanyu embraced me fiercely, and pressed his lips onto mine, kissing me with fervor. I held him too and kissed him...I reached under his clothes to feel him. I could feel his broad chest and smooth backside. I pushed him on the bed and started to tear away his clothes. I started tearing at the opening where the undone buttons were. I wanted to see that body of his that made me lose control. I yanked at his shorts, not caring about the belt and zipper scratching his skin and whether this would hurt him. He was so beautiful, the body of a fully matured man but still a little boyish. I didn't wait to see his expression. I just wanted to strip him naked. I wanted to possess him. That handsome boy at the airport for whom I had given too much, he was mine!!... I again knelt on top of him, my hands grabbing his hair, delivering my big penis into his mouth. Maybe I thrust too hard and too deep. He gagged. But he was still looking at me with that obsessed expression... I let him rolled over to kneel on the bed. I held him down hard, so that his face was pressing against the sheet. I didn't even apply any saliva. I just rammed my penis hard inside. Because of the lack of lubricants, my penis felt pain. I pulled and thrust with vigor. I was still a little painful, but the more painful the greater I felt... "Oh...oh! Lanyu!" I finally ejaculated in extreme excitement. He was so tired too he just slumped on the bed. He had still not climaxed. He looked at me and smiled helplessly: "It hurt too much. Never hurt so much before. It hurt so much I broke into a sweat." He said gasping for breath. I crawled to his side. I took him in my arms, and said kissing him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!...But I missed you so much, I just couldn't get a hold of myself." I was a little sorry knowing that he had been in such pain. "I thought you wanted to kill me!" He was not happy but he was not angry either. I started to lick him and to suck him. My mouth was busy and my hands were caressing his body. After a while, I stopped and looked up: "You want to do it from behind?" I meant him doing anal sex to me. He was surprised, "I've never tried that!" "Neither have I! My first time, I'll let you try it." My mind was set. I'd do anything as long as it made him happy. I taught him to apply ample saliva on his penis, then I went on all fours as he had done. I felt him trying to thrust in hesitantly. "Harder, you have to be harder!" I was like teaching a child to do something. He really thrust harder and it was inside in a jiffy. It hurt! It really hurt! I didn't like it at all. But I tolerated it. He could tolerate for me, why could I not? He finally ejaculated. I felt like wanting to go to the toilet. "Like it?" I asked him afterwards. "Not as good as when you did it with your mouth and your hand." He said. Good, I was really glad that he felt that way. This was the first time I had experienced being fucked. I didn't like it though I didn't regret it. Half an hour later, we started to do it again. We did it real gentle this time. We sucked and masturbated each other...Both of us felt real good...I couldn't remember how many times we did it that day. I only remembered that we were so tired and so hungry we didn't even have the strength to call room service for our meal.
THE TEXTILE business was good. I planned to buy a villa at 'North Suburb' as a home for Lanyu and me. Or just give it to him as a gift. Giving him any gift was never too much for me.
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CHAPTER TWELVE
ONE WEEKEND in October, I went swimming with Lanyu at the indoor pool of "The Maze". That place was almost exclusive to the rich Chinese, so it was unlike the other big hotels where foreigners would mingle and make me uncomfortable. Turned out Lanyu couldn't swim before. He said most people from the northwest couldn't. But now he was a great swimmer. I had taught him. I sat on the chair at the poolside sipping a drink and watched him moving around in the water. "Hey! Han-tung, what are you doing here?" It was Tsai Ming, laughing and walking towards me. Following him was this guy who I knew was Wang Yung-huang. Wang was only in his early twenties but already rotten to the core. "Oh! Just taking a rest. Been too busy lately." I answered. "Busying about what? Messing with girls! Look at him, Alone here hiding from the crowd." They said as they sat down. "Not as much as you!" I laughed, "Any good deal for me?" I guessed they must have been up to something looking me up. "I'm the one looking for you." Said Wang Yung-huang, "I have a shipment of steel. You want it? The best price possible." Must have been smuggled in by armed bands, I thought. "I want it. But paying for it with what? The Americans haven't paid me for the whole shipload of cargoes. Stuck there!" I just lied to get rid of him. This man was evil. He had a grandfather who had connections reaching the top, a father who was a high ranking military official, and a stinking rich older brother. With these people behind him, he had done just about everything evil and getting away with it. I had had very little to do with him. As we talked, Lanyu got out of the water. He brushed his wet hair and shook his head and walked towards me. His natural sunshine tanned skin was wet and looked oily shimmering. He saw that I was talking to strangers and smiled at me and walked to another table. I saw Wang Yung-huang was gazing at Lanyu dazedly. He saw Lanyu smiled at me and asked: "Who's that? How come I've never seen him?" "I brought him here to have fun." "Your new recruit? You damn lucky dog!" He looked at me with amazement. "It's nothing special." I tried to sound bored. It only occurred to me now that this guy had the same hobby. After a while, Lanyu went back into the water. Wang Yung-huang's mind was not on talking to me anymore. When I was talking with Tsai Ming, he got up and walked over to the pool. "Yung-huang is into this too?" I saw Wang Yung-huang striking up a conversation with Lanyu and asked Tsai Ming. "Into this too? This is his only game. He's in real deep, don't you know?" I laughed uneasily and didn't say anything. "Even he himself said that he was sick over this." Tsai Ming laughed. In the massage room, I asked Lanyu: "Who were you talking to at the poolside just a while ago?" "Wasn't he your friend? You are asking me?" "What did he say?" "He said he was your friend and asked where I was working." "You told him?" "I said I was in the university." "You better not talk to his kind. Be careful. You know what he is? He looks like a human being but he is not!" I was quite nasty to Lanyu. "What have I done?" He retorted, real unhappy. I was troubled. I didn't want to have a row with that bastard over this. Frankly, I couldn't afford to. Later I asked Lanyu if that guy had looked him up. He said no. I was glad that this was over just like that. Lanyu almost never stayed at school now. He said senior students were not governed so closely. Quite a few students didn't live in the school. He drove to school everyday, parked outside or in the area reserved for relations, then bicycled to the classroom and dormitory. He said that almost every schoolmate in his class knew he had an elder brother who was unusually generous.
A WEDNESDAY in November, I came home late because I had a business deal to discuss. It was nine. I was already home but Lanyu was not. He had said in the afternoon that he was in the graphics room and wanted to work till seven, and that he would be back at eight. He had usually been punctual. I called him but there was no answer. His mobile was off. He must not have been in his car. At eleven, I was spooked. Then the phone rang: "You are Han-tung? You know someone called Lanyu?" A man with thick Beijing country accent asked. "What happened to him?" "He's been attacked. It's a robbery. Nothing serious, just hurt his arm." I just couldn't comprehend it. Why was this boy making me worry so much all the time? I paid the kind driver $200. He was extremely grateful. I helped Lanyu into the room. He looked bad, a picture of weakness. "It used to be quite safe around 'China U", how come this kind of thing would happen? And at eight or nine too. It is just not possible!" I said exasperated. "I didn't expect this too." He answered lying on the bed. "He wanted money or the car, just give him all. He shouldn't have hurt you." "..." "And you think too much of the money! Those people could have killed you. You know, several cab drivers have been murdered!" "Are you through?" He was impatient. His left arm was bandaged and supported by a sling in front of his chest. His right hand was heavily bandaged too. He must have had fought with the bandits, or how else would he hurt his hands? I looked at his wax-yellow face and went over, kneeling in front of the bed. I held his right arm and asked: "Still hurting?" "It's all right now." He looked at me and I looked at him. I couldn't help kissing him on the cheek and said gently: "Remember! Money is 'shit'. Your life is most important. If you kept on being so hot-headed, you will only get hurt yourself." I disciplined him like he was a child. "Kiss me again." He smiled. My advice did not sink in at all
A WEEK later, Lanyu told me happily: there was gain as well as loss. Because of his injury, he had been exempted from taking part in two exams. Looking at his gleefulness, I felt that this boy who was ten years my junior was really too tender. Two more weeks had passed when I received a letter. Inside was a check for $100,000, made out by a 'Wah Tin' company. That was a company owned by Wang Yung-huang's elder brother Wang Yung-chuen. Then I got a call from Wang Yung-chuen. He was more than ten years his brother's senior: "Han-tung, you know how Yung-huang is. Just don't bother with him." "You are too kind. Of course I won't. Besides, we are friends!" I didn't know what happened, I only felt it had something to do with Lanyu. "That's right! The hundred thousand dollar is a token to compensate the boy for his trauma." Wang said. "You're too kind! I never thought about it seriously. I knew Yung-huang understood the rules." I could only say that. Wang Yung-chuan chuckled slyly and hung up. Even though I didn't know the details, I could guess that that bastard must have tried to hook Lanyu many times and eventually blew it with violence. He probably panicked because I had not shown my hands for several weeks, so he asked his elder brother to settle it. I did not ask Lanyu about it but tried to get some information from Big Sister Cheung. "This is too much, both of you, having to fight over a boy!" Cheung said with amazement but deep interest. "It's not like that! I don't even know what happened!" "You trying to hold out on me too!" "I really don't know! I'm not Yung-huang, and that boy is not my wife. Besides, I'm not into that!" "Yo! Then that boy's 'true love' and 'faithfulness' to you are all for nothing." Cheung laughed even more, "Wang Yung-huang got what he wanted?" "No! That boy is really something. He grabbed Yung-huang's knife and said let him go or kill him!" "Huh! Fuck them all!" I laughed coldly. I had to admit that Lanyu had more guts than I. I did not mention this to Lanyu, because I felt I was so vulnerable and I didn't want him to realize that. I never could guess why he had not told me about this.
IT WAS midnight. Lanyu was lying in my arms. Because of his injury, when we made love, I could only suck him, masturbate him and masturbate myself. Sometimes when he had wanted to perform a blow job for me, I would stop him and told him not to. I said I would wait for him to recover, then recoup my loss. He just looked at me and laughed, with extreme satisfaction. "Do you think that there is eternal love between the same sex?" I asked caressing him. "I don't know. I've never thought about it." He never liked to discuss hypothetically. He just did things following his feelings. "I believe it. If there could be between opposite sexes, then there has to be between the same sex." "You mean us?" He laughed and looked up at me. "I mean myself." I said. He just laughed and said nothing. "You fond of me?" This was the first time I asked my partner of this. The first time I was so unsure of myself. "Of course." He said lightly. "Wang Yung-huang had looked you up, right? And you lied to me that it was a robbery." I finally asked after a pause. "..." Lanyu didn't say anything. "He's quite handsome, and generous." I deliberately said that casually. "I could throw up just looking at him! I really didn't give him the come on. It's just that he is sick himself." Lanyu's tone was desperate. He also struggled out of my arms and looked at me solemnly. "Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked, solemnly too. "I thought this thing was particularly revolting, didn't want you to know... I was also afraid that it would pose a difficult problem for you." He said with his eyes diverted from me. "..." It was my turn to be silent. I always thought I understood Lanyu very much, but that was in fact not the case. Although he was not a man of many words and easy going, he was extremely intelligent and sensitive.
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I BOUGHT a villa at 'North Suburb'. It was a big house with five bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, two garages and one swimming pool. I let Lanyu take part in the designing and decorating. I didn't tell him it was to be our new home. That day we went to see the place together. "This friend of yours who is in America is really rich. The decoration alone costs hundreds of thousand of dollars!" He said to me. "Do you think it's good?" "Quite nice! I like its overall structure. Some Scandinavian flavor in it." "If I told you this was our house, would you like it?" I looked at him mysteriously and with a little passion. He looked at me first, then looked around: "Fuck!..." He was so surprised he didn't know what to say.
THE FIRST time we made love in the house was in the bathroom. It was nighttime, Lanyu was half reclining in the oval bathtub washing himself. I was naked from the waist up, wearing the bottom of my pajamas, looking into the mirror to see if my beard was sprouting again. "You look like twenty-five at the most." Lanyu said sizing me up. I laughed, somewhat proud of myself. I had to exercise for at least two hours everyday and watching my diet to achieve this. "A new researching student is leading our on site study this term. Not yet thirty and he has a beer belly." "You looked so closely. What's the matter? Attracted, huh?" I looked at him slant-eyed. "He is particularly good to me." He said seriously. I turned and glared at him. Looking at his arms resting on the rim of the tub, I walked over slowly and then chomp on his arm abruptly. He had been watching me smiling and on guard. Then, the instant my mouth moved, he reacted faster than I. His right arm splashed up a column of water, shooting straight at my face. Just like the water fights when I was small. I was instantly drenched with soapy water from head to toe. He laughed happily. I opened my mouth to let go of his arm, jumped into the tub just like that and straddled him. And I got hold of his arms and bit him on his face and his body. He went on laughing his head off...until there was enough biting and enough laughter. I looked at him: "It is impossible for us to get married...I have given you all that is possible to give...you understand?" I didn't know how to express myself fully. He was still laughing like that and nodded. "You regret having met me?" I asked again. This was always my doubt. He smiled looking at me, and shook his head. ""I don't regret it!" He said with ease. Just hope it came from his heart, I thought. I was extremely turned on. I began to caress his body, which was all the more smooth in the water. I sniffed at the peculiar odor from his face. I pressed my lips onto his moist and hot lips...I embraced his waist, lifting him slightly and kissed the part that was out of the water. I drained away all the water in the tub, licked at his broad shoulders, his thick and firm chest, his flat abdomen...I licked at his penis, then put the whole of it in my mouth and sucked. "Oh...Oh..." He uttered his happiest moan, then masturbated me...We once again reached the pinnacle of love.
THAT WAS our most comfortable and peaceful days. Lanyu was looking forward to graduation and there was almost no school. He said he was working on his graduation design, which could earn him money too. I went to my company a few times a week and business was going quite smooth. I was planning to invest in a new project. It was in a field I had never been involved in before and I was very interested. At that time, I even thought I could go on with Lanyu just like that forever. It was the nest of my emotions. I never tried to think whether the love between two men could be accepted by society. Because I had money, I could deftly get around the problem and be in control. I didn't know if two gay men could live happily ever after. Some say they could never last more than one year. I did not agree, because I had lived happily with a boy for almost four years. Maybe because our days were too happy, too peaceful, that pain should creep up silently...
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CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE HOLY Bible says that we have two kinds of sins. The first was the original sin, which was committed by Adam and Eve and passed on to us. The other is later when we yield to the temptation of Satan and sin. I used to think that Lin-Tsung-ping was the Satan who tempted me. But I was wrong. That Satan was actually myself... My business was going smoothly. Then a rare chance enabled me to try my hand in politics. It was at this time that I met Lin Tsung-ping. It was during a negotiation with an American businessman. A small American company wanted to make a big kill in China and they found me. As soon as the American entered the scene, I had my eyes on the Oriental girl by his side. I couldn't be sure she was Chinese at first. She was wearing a sapphire blue suit, her hair tucked away high and neatly behind her head with the natural curves cascading down. She was not wearing any jewel except a pair of cute square earrings, also sapphire blue, accentuating her fair face. The shape of her face was a little like a westerner, long and narrow with a modern look. The features on her face were extremely beautiful. The bridge of her nose was high and delicate and her lips were red and full. The color of her eyes was lighter than those of the average Chinese, a clear brown, and looked as if shrouded by mist. All through our discussion, the American was earnest and easy going, giving the impression of being serious and responsible while at the same time graceful and sure of himself. She always smiled sweetly when she talked. "Wow! What a beauty! I must get her!" I had this beautiful thought. Right from the beginning, I had noticed that whenever she looked at me, her eyes were soft but graceful, and she never tried to avoid my eyes. Before leaving, I held her hand lightly: "I must thank Miss Lin too for making this meeting so smooth. You speak very good English." I complimented courteously. The fact was I couldn't tell whether her English was good or not. This part she did not translate to the American. She just said thanks a little shyly.
I TOLD Lanyu about it at night when I had returned home. He just smiled and didn't say anything. "Can't you feel anything about girls?" I asked. "Women are all a little hypocritical." He said. "During the four years in the university, no female student have come after you? Handsome as you are?" I taunted him. "We have female students! We also have this limerick:: Girls at 'China U' are good, but no good look, when you want to talk with them, they have only books." "Ha! Who said that?" I thought that was funny. "It's written on the desk." "It's lucky I was not in the technology field. You tech people are so inept. Can't even get girls!" "And you still want to get them?" Lanyu asked laughing. " 'We are too old! It's not important anymore!' Just unable to do it!' I tried an accent that was mixing south and north as I got upstairs. I heard Lanyu laughing aloud.
THE SECOND time I met Lin Tsung-ping was again at my company. But this time it was in my office. Her boss had to go back to the States and there were a few details she had to discuss with me face to face. I was glad that I had this chance. She was still dressed in sharp colors but there was a certain style about her I couldn't define. We had a pleasant talk. When I looked at her courteously and with 'deep emotions' in my eyes, she would meet my eyes for a few seconds, then looked away unhurriedly. "Such a rare breed!" I thought. "To show my appreciation for Miss Lin's help, can I treat you dinner?" I said lightly and quite casually. She hesitated for a moment, then: "Sure!" She accepted directly. And it surprised me.
I PICKED the French restaurant at 'Tien Huo'. She was prompt. When the automated door opened to both sides, I felt the world brightened. She was dazzling. A simple sleeveless light-gray evening gown hugged her body tightly. On her left shoulder hung a black handbag, corresponding with her black square earrings. Her hair was tied up on top of her head, with a few strands cascading down, seemingly casually. She had a great body. At around 1.7 meters, she was just the right height for me. I was a little restless... The moment she entered, almost all the males in the restaurant, regardless of their age and race, were attracted by her. When I reached out and took her waist gently and led her into the restaurant, I was very excited and proud. My vanity was sufficiently satisfied---the kind of satisfaction Lanyu could never give me. I chatted with Lin Tsung-ping until quite late that day. She told me she had graduated from 'Fifth Foreign' four years ago, working as an interpreter after that. She was from the south, her father being a high-ranking cadre and her mother a typist. I watched her consumed her meal with amazing grace and heard her talk with softness. Her natural grace intrigued me.
IT WAS almost midnight when I returned to 'Scandinavia' (the new home of Lanyu and I). Lanyu was not in bed and was reading a newspaper. "How come you're not in bed?" I asked. "Couldn't sleep." He yawned, "How's your business going?" He was less and less interested in my business and asked just for the sake of asking. "No complain. Go to sleep.' I turned off the light.
I DATED Lin Tsung-ping twice after that. She was so open and graceful, though we were never up to any hanky panky. We usually dated in the evenings and went home late. I had Liu Qsing to cover for me so Lanyu never caught on.
IT WAS a weekend evening, I went to 'Chan's' home through a friend to visit 'Chan'. He was the number-two man in the financial sector. To make the visit more smoothly, I decided at the spur of the moment to ask Lin Tsung-ping along. She agreed gladly. That visit was a great success and Lin Tsung-ping got half of the credit. She truly had a conquering charisma. "I must thank you properly today!" I said when we had left 'Chan's' house. "Good! What do you have in mind?" "How about dinner for starters?" "That's not enough. But I'm hungry though." She smiled sweetly, showing a girlish coyness for the first time. She seemed so innocent and lovely, at least to me at the time. I kissed her in the car that night. I was very excited and she was in the mood too. "Han-tung!" She left my lips and cried. "Yes?" "Tell me, do you have a wife?" I was surprised that she should ask this. I laughed: "Why did you think I have?" "A woman's instinct." "I'm single and I have never married. Want to see my home registration passbook?" She laughed shyly: "You know, Han Tung, I'm scared. I'm afraid that I would be in too deep. It would hurt myself and hurt you!" Women seldom tell about their thoughts about an affair so actively, especially a beautiful woman.
IT WAS pass one o'clock when I took Lin Tsung-ping home. Then I drove to 'Scandinavia'. Lanyu was watching a video when I went in. He did not acknowledge me. "Still watching TV at this hour? You don't have to go to school tomorrow?" I said because I needed to say something. "Tomorrow is Sunday." He answered languidly. "I have to wash up and go to sleep!" I didn't want to say too much. "You seem to be particularly busy lately?" He asked. He was observant and sensitive. "And all for nothing. It's such a damned nuisance!" I hated his suspecting tone. "..." He didn't say anything. He went to bed first. I finished my bath and came out of the bathroom, switching on the nightlight. Lanyu was on his stomach, his head averted to one side. Under the dim light, his thick, black brow, his straight nose, his sexy lips were particularly handsome and elegant. His face was so calm, frank and without any trace of playacting. His eyes were closed, the long lashes down...I couldn't help moving over to kiss lightly his eyes, his lashes...He must have had not really fallen into a deep sleep. He was awakened by my kisses quickly. He rolled over and lay on his back. I pressed down on him. "Sleep!" He deliberately made out like he was very serious to taunt me. "No! I want it!" I tried to be coy myself. "You want it? And you come home so late? No!" "I've been busy!" I said coy as a girl. Then both of us burst out laughing. We liked to change roles to taunt each other. "You are so narrow-minded!" I was still on top of him. He looked at me. "You haven't been messing around outside, have you?" "So what if I have? You can't do without me." I laughed. "I'm just afraid that you can do without me." His smile froze, that melancholic look that obsessed me surfaced again in his eyes. I didn't know if I was touched or was a little guilty. My eyes suddenly felt acid. "How could that happen?" I said and buried my head on his body kissing him.
DURING THE following two months, I never once called Lin Tsung-ping on the phone. She called twice though. In the phone, her voice was extremely soft and peaceful. She just asked me how I was doing, chatted a little and then hung up. I felt as though my heart was abruptly lifted up and then put back down gently. Lin Tsung-ping was already twenty-five. She was more matured than Lanyu. Women were at their best at this age.
I FINALLY had sex with Lin Tsung-ping. I had said 'no' to myself numerous times before that. I had said 'no' because of Lanyu. There was no moral or legal binding between us. I just hadn't wanted to be unfaithful to him. But still, I went to bed with Lin Tsung-ping.
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CHAPTER FIFTEEN
IT WAS an unofficial cocktail party given by the officials. A lot of people I knew were there. I had asked Lin Tsung-ping to accompany me. Needless to say, it was another successful and proud evening. Afterwards, Lin Tsung-ping wanted some fresh air, so we went out onto the streets of Beijing. I put my arm around her waist, took the chance to express my love for her. We were like a couple deeply in love. No matter how much I loved her, even if just a little, I could still act sufficiently passionate. But between Lanyu and me, even though our love was overflowing, we could still not reveal it in public. That night, I took Lin Tsung-ping to 'Hsiang Kuo'. We chatted in the sitting room first. The waiter brought champagne. We drank to our 'friendship'...Out of a man's lust for conquer, I decided to fuck her. We kissed for a long time, until I was impatient. I took her in my arms and carried her to the bed, putting her down gently. Then I undressed her slowly. She was not her elegant and confident self. She was just submissive and shy, looking at me with tenderness in her eyes. She let down her jet black, shiny hair and let it rolled on the bed. I couldn't wait. I grabbed her breasts with both hands and kneaded them as much as I wanted to. Then I raised her legs, my member rammed home with one stroke. Strangely, when doing it with a woman, I could last a long time without ejaculating. Watching Lin Tsung-ping lifted to the crest of orgasm again and again by me, I was excited, happy... "Han-tung!...No!...Don't! Oh! God!" She cried out of control and almost wept. ... I finally climaxed. But the whole process was not as excited as I had imagined. Women must be caressed after sex to achieve the ultimate satisfaction. Tsung-ping lay in my arms, holding one of my hands and caressed it gently. "I feel very foolish!" She said laughing. "You are the most intelligent girl I've ever met." I complimented her. "This must be the hundredth time you say that to a woman." She was still laughing. "As a matter of fact, I did..." Lin Tsung-ping suddenly turned and sealed my mouth with her lips, stopping me from going on. She kissed me and looked at me: "Han-tung, you don't have to tell me about your past, or even about the present. I don't care. All you need to do is to know that a girl called Lin Tsung-ping loves you." She said and turned to lean back into my arms, eyes looking ahead: "And if someday when you were not fond of her anymore, all you needed to say was that: go away, I'm tired of you." She said laughing as her face flushed with shyness, and she again buried her head in my arms. No matter how I looked at it, I had to be touched.
MY MIND started to be occupied by one important question: should I get married? Mom had prompted me many times over this, especially after my father died. I felt a kind of invisible pressure. Lin Tsung-ping, this girl from an average southern family, she should be fit to be my wife. Even though her background was plain, she herself was a woman who could handle the high society as well as the inside of a home. I really needed her for my life and my career. And Lanyu? Just 'keep' him? Maintain the present relationship with him? He may not agree. Just get rid of him? I couldn't do it. Everything happened as if by coincidence, but actually they were inevitable. I met Dr. Sze. He was a professor of psychology, specializing in the study of homosexuality. He was the first 'specialist' on homosexuality I had ever met. It was also the first time I had some 'knowledge' about homosexuality. After four long hours of conversation, the professor had this diagnosis: I was a perfectly normal man, with just a little homosexual tendency. All I had to do was to get out of the relationship with the boy, and marriage shouldn't be a problem. It was Lanyu who had a problem. He suspected that Lanyu was suffering from manic depression and promised that he would treat him to help me rid of him. I must tell Lanyu about this 'important scientific discovery' of mine, and to convince him that he should accept the therapy. It would be difficult, but I had to do it.
BOTH LANYU and I couldn't cook, so we had to eat out. That day, when we came out of a restaurant and were on our way home, he talked about the arrangements in the university. He talked about their student administration, the teacher's office, the dean, the requirements of staying on in Beijing, and the designing college he had mentioned before. I listened impatiently. I told him I could get his Beijing residency permit ready immediately. "Lanyu, have you ever thought of our future?" I started to ask him. "What do you mean?" He glanced at me with uncertainty as he drove. "Don't you feel that it is not proper for two men staying together?" "..." "It is actually a mental state. Sometimes a person would have the wrong impression. Just like your...A situation like ours is a kind of 'sexual misidentification'." I tried to coin phrases awkwardly, like a parrot learning to talk. "I've read some new materials from abroad. They no longer think this is sick, it's just a... I can't remember what they call it. It meant that some men prefer women, but some prefer men. It's just a difference of choice." What he had said shocked me. I had always thought he never thought about this kind of thing. "When did you read it?" I asked. "After the day I met you, I 'd begun to notice articles about this." "Materials from abroad? Huh! There are also X-rated movies from abroad! And sexual liberation too!" I countered. "That was a medical report, quite serious!" "I think this is a matter of mental state." I insisted though I was not able to convince him. "Ha! Are you saying that both of us are mentally disturbed?" He laughed vigorously. "I'm not. It's you! At least I'm willing to make love to a woman. What about you?" "I've never tried it." He sounded weak. "Have you ever been fond of girls? You don't even like 'Playboy' magazine." "..." "You actually think you are a girl!" "I do not!!" He seemed insulted and countered harshly, his hands on the steering wheel trembling a little. "Drive carefully!" I paused for a moment, then asked, "Then why do you like men?" He didn't answer. After a long while, he said quietly, "I only like you!" We didn't say anything more until we were back home. But I still wanted to discuss the same topic. I told him about professor Sze and asked him to receive therapy. "I will not go!" he was very firm. "You will at least get married in the future. This is good for you!" "I will not get married!" "Will not get married? You are only twenty now. What about when you were thirty, forty? How are you going to stay in this society?" I thought more and more of myself as an expert. "..." Seeing that he was silent, I went on: "Besides, will you want a child of your own? A man has the responsibility of passing on his genes. You will feel the pressure when the time comes." "I don't care! And nobody cares about this in my family! I won't have any pressure." I had forgotten that I was not the same with him coming to that. Then I remembered something else: "Didn't your mother wished you to be a proper man? You should at least try." I must have got him where it hurt. He didn't say anything after that. Maybe he had agreed reluctantly. But before going to bed, he asked: "Do you want a separation?" "You just can't tell good from bad. That's your way of seeing things!" I said with exasperation. Lanyu was irritable after that for a long time. Although he didn't say it, I knew he was angry with me about this therapy thing. He started to come home very late, sometimes even staying at school. That day he came back from Dr. Sze, he came in and made for the stairs without saying anything. "Hey!" I stopped him, "what have you done today?" I meant about the therapy. "Talk. Looked at pictures and let me think." He said, extremely impatient. "What else?" "Just try it yourself if you're interested!" with that, he went upstairs and went into the bedroom. At night, I wanted to make love with him. He masturbated and sucked me. I had climaxed, but he was not the least in the mood. In the middle of the night, he woke me up by talking in his sleep. I shook him, called his name, and he was calm again and went back to sleep. This went on for several nights. He was in a bad mood. He didn't even have an appetite. He looked moody and listless, even a little gaunt. I asked him how he felt about the therapy. He said he felt nothing. I called professor Sze and asked him about Lanyu. He told me that Lanyu was absolutely uncooperative in the therapy. He said Lanyu was not only mentally sick sexually, but was suffering from serious depression and manic obsession "The first stage of therapy is not satisfactory. I think I can try injecting him with hormones in the next stage. This will help him..." The doctor went on and on with his theories. "No! You can't do that!" I could not accept injecting drug to an otherwise healthy person. "There are some other ways. For example, let him see some photos of naked men, even of you, and at the same time give him some stimulation, to make him produce a kind of painful conditional reflex to this kind of thing." "What kind of stimulation?" I asked. "Such as a mild electric shock..." "No! Absolutely not!" I refused in no uncertain terms. I didn't know whether professor Sze had a strong opinion that homosexuality was harmful to the society or that he was just guilty about the quite generous consultation fees I had paid him, but he insisted on giving me some more suggestion. But I would hear no more. I turned again and again in my head the professor's 'scientific explanations'. I remembered the first time I had talked to him, he had asked me whether I was just after some new kicks or I actually loved the boy. I told him I was just after a new kick. He said that was all right, that just proved that I was not serious about life and therefore not a real homosexual. According to this line of thinking, I would be not serious about life too when I did it with the girls, and I would have to fall in love with them to qualify as a heterosexual. But I haven't yet been in love with a woman. So what did that make me? I also thought about his theory about Lanyu thinking about himself as a girl. It was true that Lanyu loved me a little like a woman. He was sensitive, observant. But on the other hand, I could see even more of his proud, independent, stubborn and even brave quality; these were absolutely not exclusive to a woman. I decided to call Lanyu. I told him to come to my office, because I wanted to play billiard at night. He at first said he was too busy to get away, then said he was not feeling well, wanted to sleep at home. But he came eventually. "Where're we going?" He came into my office and planted himself on the couch in my office and asked, frowning slightly. "Where do you want to go?" I asked. "Anywhere you like!" he lounged on the couch, looking at me. "You going to professor Sze tomorrow?" I asked. "My appointment is for the day after tomorrow." "Don't go anymore, okay?" I asked looking him in his eyes. "Why?' He asked, puzzled. "There is no why. Just don't go anymore. I see that you've been suffering." He looked at me, breaking into a smile slowly, then suddenly shot up from the couch and was on me in a flash, holding on to me for dear life and kissing me. "You crazy or something? You are in my office." I said with my voice lowered, stopping him laughingly.
THAT RIDICULOUS therapy ended just like that. The bright, shining smile returned to Lanyu's face. He seemed even more besotted with me. But this worried me even more.
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CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I HAD to go to Hong Kong and Hainan unexpectedly, and Lin Tsung-ping insisted on seeing me off at the airport. "You should be careful when you go out and when driving in Hong Kong." She told me gently. "No problem. I go there quite often." I laughed. "I know!" She lowered her head and fished out an intricate little box from her pocket, then looked up at me: "This is a piece of jade stone. Rather rare, and has been blessed by a high monk. It is said that it has the effect of warding off evil and avoiding disaster. I want you to carry it." She said as she handed it to me. That was quite a beautiful piece of green jade stone, oblong in shape, with a little red tint resembling the shape of a heart in the center. On the backside was carved elegantly a tiny word 'Lin". With or without the effect of avoiding disaster, Tsung-ping's intention was touching. "Thank you!" I looked at her misty eyes and gave her a tight hug.
I WENT to a jade stone shop in Hong Kong to make a chain for that piece of stone. The owner of that shop told me it was a very valuable piece of emerald, valued at US$3,000 at least. I had never given her any expensive present, but she gave me a piece of jade stone like this. It reminded me of Liu Qsing's evaluation of Lin Tsung-ping: she was a woman a man couldn't refuse.
TEN DAYS later, I called Lanyu to tell him that I would be back in a week. Actually, I went back to Beijing from Hainan that same day. At the airport, I was wearing that piece of jade stone when I saw Lin Tsung-ping waiting for me outside. She was wearing a body-hugging white T-shirt with a deep cut collar, matching a pair of ultra short jeans, exposing a lot of her full breasts and slender, alluring legs. The overall impression was so young and vibrant. On the way, I told Lin Tsung-ping that I wanted to take her to the hotel. She asked me if there was any place other than the hotel. So we decided to go to 'Temporary Village'. My things and Lanyu's things had all been moved to 'Scandinavia', only the furniture and electrical appliances and the sort were left. I dragged Lin Tsung-ping outside to eat. She said why not buy materials home and do the cooking ourselves. That would be more delicious. She made two dishes and one bowl of soup in just over half an hour. She laughed and watched my rather vulgar way of eating: "Like my cooking?" "Delicious!' It really tasted good, better than those at the hotel. "Your mother cook at home?" She asked again. "Most of the cooking is done by the maid. My mother only does what she does best. Her 'juliene in Beijing sauce' is simply the greatest." "Really? I must find the chance to ask her to teach me!" She laughed sweetly. I thought if I brought her home and showed her to my mom, the old woman would surely be delirious with joy. This was the best solace a son could offer his mother. This woman had class and she knew how to do the right things. She was versatile in bed and intelligent and gentle at home. I must marry her. I must make it plain to Lanyu.
I WENT back to 'Scandinavia' one week later. Lanyu complained that I hadn't told him about it beforehand. The third night there, Lanyu was reading something in his study when I walked in quietly. He heard my footsteps and turned: "What are you doing? You frightened me!" "I have something important to say to you!" I was straight-faced and my voice was low-pitched. "What is it?" He looked at me alarmed. "I want to get married. I already have the right girl." I said, real business-like. He didn't say anything, just looked at me...God! Those eyes I knew so well. Those were the same eyes as when, a few years back, I had told him I didn't want him anymore and that I was tired of him as a plaything. The shock and helplessness in those eyes! My nose was acid again. I had to lower my head. "This will happen sooner or later. You should realize... "..." Silence. God! The same kind of silence! I couldn't stand it! "We can go on just like this if you wish! The only difference will be that I had a wife. Everything will be the same as before! Nothing will change!" I looked up and said firmly, like I was taking an oath. Lanyu's eyes were filled with tears, looking at me so helplessly. His lips trembled violently. Then he looked away, sniffed once. I could see that he was trying hard to suppress his feelings, refusing to let the tears shed. He was never a crybaby. After a long while, he turned to look at me and grimaced, "When you forced me to undergo therapy, I knew this was the reason." His eyes were still brimming with tears, his lips quivering. He lowered his head again. I felt so bad! Tears swelled out of my eyes. I seized him in my arms. "I didn't want this! I had no choice!..." I said and kissed him with lips that were trembling and tearful just as his were... He opened his lips gently, his tongue snaking out to lick at my lips and tears streamed down my face... He stopped, turned to take the tissue box on the desk, took a stack for himself and a stack for me. He laughed, but with bitterness. I laughed bitterly too. We just laughed like that, blowing our noses... We embraced again. Lanyu removed my clothes for me and I his for him. We did that unhurriedly. He pressed me onto the carpet gently, licking at me with movements he so accustomed too, and looking at me. I was looking at him the whole time, unable to concentrate between my legs. I just wanted to look at his face. My member was leaning there half-limp. No matter how Lanyu sucked me, it remained the same. I pressed him onto the floor too and sucked him just the same. He was even worse off. He motioned me to stop it, then fished out from under his body an eraser he had used in his drawing awkwardly. We both laughed looking at each other.., We did not need to make love. At least I didn't. I just needed the security of possessing him. But I could not feel secure. Deep into the night, we began to make love on the bed again. We did great this time around. We were in the mood and were great partners... Afterwards, he sat up and leaned on the bedstead. I leaned against him with my head nestling on his body. "It's better than I imagined!" He said. "What?" I asked. "I thought you wanted a thorough separation!" "No way." I was pale and weak.
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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I TOLD my mother about Lin Tsung-ping. She was not happy with Lin's plain background at first. She had hoped that I would find a child from a family similar to ours, or at least from intellectual parents. I thought wryly: Lanyu should be the ideal candidate. The moment Lin Tsung-ping stepped into our house, I knew that everything was okay. Her warm, humble and courteous behavior won my mother over. Even my two sisters said she was all right. Looking at my mother's happy face, I was greatly relieved. I thought I would get along with Lanyu just as calmly and happily as before. But that was not the case. Fights became part of our lives. We didn't fight over anything concerning principles, not even my wedding. We just fought over trivia. Both of us were not happy. Fortunately, we could make up every time. It was always Lanyu who took the initiative to a truce. One day, I went out with Lanyu and saw there were a lot of people standing in line outside the gate of 'Tien U'. "What's that?" "Probably people applying to take the Toefl exam." "It's that hot?" "In the '82 Biology Section' in our school, a whole class has left" "You want to go abroad?" I asked. "I can't. Now you have to have the overseas Chinese certificate to be allowed to go abroad. And architecture is not hot enough." "If you really want to go, I can arrange it for you. I can get you a business trip visa. You can go with the business team. You could switch to be a student once you were in America. It's easy." He was silent. He must be unhappy again. I left him alone. "I don't want to go anywhere. I just like Beijing!" He sounded challenging. "Doctor Sze was right! You are an obsessive paranoid maniac." I retorted nastily. Every time we came to this kind of explosive confrontation, he would laugh and then say something nice. That day when I went back to 'Scandinavia', I heard the stereo playing a pop song. Lanyu never liked pops; he preferred folk music, especially the Chinese violin. That was a song that I was not familiar with too. I could only remember the lyrics: Dearest, don't talk about leaving...maybe there should be a gust of wind, maybe there should be a shower of rain...it is I who love you most, how could you be so cruel as to make me sad, just when I needed you most, you left without saying a word...
I BEGAN to deliberate cut down on the times I went back to 'Scandinavia'. I just told Lanyu that I went back to my mother. But in fact I was at 'Temporary Village' with Lin Tsung-ping. Then I found out that Lanyu was also not staying at 'Scandinavia' everyday. Except when I went back, he would just stay at the school. Although I had proposed to Lin Tsung-ping, a wedding date had not been set and arrangements had not been made too. Subconsciously, I was hoping that I would settle this thing between Lanyu and me first. One day in August, after dinner, I told him I was going to take him to meet a few friends. "I don't want to meet your friends. I hate them." He was not so submissive as before. "You will definitely be interested. They are the same as us." He looked at me puzzled. "They're players in this too." I explained, smiling mysteriously. He looked at me doubtfully first, then his eyes slowly filled with rage: "You've had enough fun. You want to pass me on to somebody else, right?" I couldn't catch what he meant momentarily. "Are we going to see Wang Yung-huang?... You son-of-a-bitch!!" He yelled and got up and rushed out of the restaurant. He made straight for the car, opened the door and climbed in. I jumped up and rushed out after him, ran to his side, grabbing his arm tightly through the open window. "Off. You call a cab yourself!" He yelled at me. "You can't drive like this! It's too dangerous!" I was desperate. He paid me no heed, just wriggled his arm free and started the car... "Stop! I beg you! You want to kill yourself?" I hung on to his arm and yelled. He stepped on the gas... "I'm a son-of-a-bitch! I'm a fucking animal! All right! Please stop! You can't drive to your death!" I was half-weeping. I hung on to him for dear life, and the car was dragging me along. He braked abruptly...In the silence, I could hear him panting tremblingly. He held the steering wheel with both hands, head lowered. I seemed to detect a sob. It was a man's suppressed weeping. "I did not mean that at all! How could I do that! I just want you to meet more friends in the circle, to make you feel better." I explained, also suppressing my sobbing. Several people stopped at a distance to watch... I drove slowly back to 'Scandinavia'. He was silent on the way. We went into the house quietly. I sat on the couch. He went upstairs, probably wanted to go into his study. He liked to stay in that room lately with or without working. "Hey! Lanyu!" I called after him. He turned to look at me. "Can you sit with me for a while?" I said gently. He hesitated, then came back down and sat beside me on the couch. "Sit here." I wanted him to sit closer. He moved closer. I put my arm around him. He did not object, but his body was stiff and uncompromising. "How about the arrangements in the school?" It was a long time since I had asked about his affairs. "I started working a long time ago." He said coldly. "You should have told me...What unit?" I had been so busy at my business, my dream of politics and being hounded by Lin Tsung-ping, I had almost heard nothing from him and asked him nothing. "'City Ninth Company'" It was a construction company formerly operated by the military. He had told me he wanted to go to the Academy of Designing. Working would not be his goal. "If you don't like this unit, you can go to work for a foreign enterprise. I have a friend who is the manager for the Chinese side in a joint-venture construction company." I said. "I have signed a five-year contract." "It doesn't matter. Just pay them some money and you can leave." "Humph! You trust money so much!" He seemed to be mocking me. I had to change the subject. "You know a place in Beijing called 'One Two Three'"? A lot of people like us go there. All ordinary people." I emphasized the word 'ordinary'. "How come you never mentioned it before?" He was shocked but seemed quite interested. "I was afraid you would be unhappy." I lied again. "You think we are the only two people who are like this in the whole of Beijing?" He laughed lightly. "A lot in fact. You will never know if you didn't step into that circle. I rarely go to that kind of place. You can find all sorts there. Must be careful." I felt really bad when I was saying this. The thought about him with other men was like a punch to me. He lowered his head in my arms. I went on: "I've heard that there is also a park and some public toilets are places to play this game too. I never go to places like that. You must not go too. It's dangerous. Seemed the police had raided these places and made arrests." Telling about this, I felt a kind of painful helplessness. He sunk more deeply into my arms as I continued: "Ah, yes. I have finished the transfer papers of this house and the car. They are your property now. If you don't like the house, you can sell it and start a business. Aren't everyone going into business nowadays?" He was still silent. I had to find something else to say. "You must drive carefully from now on. You must absolutely not drive under the circumstance like that of today. You must care about your life..." He got up from the couch abruptly and stood in front of me. He laughed, looking very sweet. But there was still the contempt and coldness. "Any more orders? You are so thorough when you are trying to get rid of a lover!" He went back upstairs without waiting for me to respond. He also said casually, "I have to take a bath and go to bed."
LANYU STILL made love with me that night. I kissed him all over nonstop. I looked at his face and his eyes. I sucked him. He ejaculated. He got up and wanted to perform fellatio on me. "Turn over. I want that game.' I meant I wanted anal sex. He lay down on his stomach and said flatly, "You should pay extra for this!" My mood left me abruptly at that, and I was limp. I wanted to tell him something from my heart:: I want him. But I was too ashamed to open my mouth. Did I hate him? He didn't do anything wrong... I turned off the light and lay down on my back...In the darkness, I felt Lanyu starting to kiss my body...He stopped and said softly, like he was begging me: "Han-tung, you're not angry, are you? You can do it any way you want! I didn't mean it..." ...I just let my tears rolled out in silence...
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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MY MOTHER had suggested that Lin Tsung-ping and I should marry on the first of October. I did not agree. I felt that I was not ready. I had already bought a five-room apartment in 'Movement Village' and had it decorated for our wedding. I had gone to Hong Kong with Lin Tsung-ping, bought her a two carat diamond ring, dozens of suits and countless cosmetics and things...But I still felt I was not ready. 'Scandinavia' had become a place of rendezvous for Lanyu and me. Lanyu was staying at the dormitory of his company, saying that it was more convenient for him to go to work. I went there even less. I was busy taking Lin Tsung-ping socializing in my business circle. Everybody knew that I was going to get married. They seemed to envy me. I was high. Usually, I would rendezvous with Lanyu three times a week. That day, I had Lanyu come to 'Temporary' village to pick me up. When we were walking out of the door, Lin Tsung-ping came back unexpectedly and they met. It was rather embarrassing, especially for Lanyu. Then Tsung-ping and Lanyu both excused themselves quickly and left. Afterwards, both of them had never asked me about the other. They were intelligent people. They must have had some kind of gut feeling. Those were the days when everything did not run smoothly. First it was Lin Tsung-ping who told me that her boss had given her a chance to undergo training in America. She wanted to go. I told her we were getting married. She said, "I'm afraid this has to wait." I owed her a little really. Then Liu Qsing told me that my mother had called him the previous night to ask him about Lanyu. "How did she find out?" I was shocked. "How should I know? She seemed to know a lot." "You admitted it?" "I did not admit but I did not deny it either. I just couldn't lie to our mom with eyes open wide." He sounded difficult. "You're not a friend." I was pissed off. "Han-tung! You can't keep this thing under wraps. If you don't leave that boy and drag on with Lin, the old woman would find out sooner or later." "Does Tsung-ping know?" I asked. "I can't be sure. But I think she knows." "Fuck!" I felt helpless. Not surprisingly, my mother ordered me home before ten o'clock in the morning. The moment I walked in and saw my mother's blood-shot eyes and her look of despair, I felt extremely guilty. "Tung, you can't be so shameless! You are not human!" My mother said crying. It was the first time she addressed me so harshly. "Who told you this? There really is no such thing. Must be someone trying to hurt me." I tried to lie my way out. "You have kept this from us for so many years! It's fortunate that your father died early. If he was here today and found out about this, it would be a fate worse than death for him." My mother cried even more. I felt extremely bad and I had nothing to say. "Since the day I was carrying you, I had done my best to protect you. When you were a child and was in the daycare center, I found out that you had been bullied. I was so mad I had a fight with the teacher. We were so proud when you grew up and were getting better everyday and studying well. You know that." She almost lost her voice weeping. "Watching you finished your schooling, went into business, and has now become the director of 'City Commerce' and well respected, we were so happy. But now you have done this thing so lowdown. If this went out, how could you face people? Huh? "Even if you were raising a pet, you would feel very bad if you had to watch it suffer. And as a mother, watching you despised and spit on would be a fate worse than death! Huh? I'm so scared." Then she bawled hysterically. My eyes were moist and my heart felt like being punched. I was a man too. Seeing my mother so miserable because of me, how could I stand it? Looking at my mother's blood-shot eyes, I felt that Lanyu and his love and my feelings were nothing. I remained silent for a moment. "You've got it all wrong. You don't realize that nowadays, the rich all play this kind of game and competing, trying to outdo each other. Nobody takes it seriously. They just get a boy to go the rounds. I was tired of this a long time ago. My interest is in horseracing now. I like horses. It's more or less the same thing." My mother seemed to be convinced. She stopped crying and looked at me. "Actually China has been having this homosexual game since the ancient time. The rich treat this as a hobby. You remember Tsai Ming? He plays this game from time to time. Just having meals together and chatting. Nothing else." I was lying to my teeth. Just so that mom could stop hurting. My mother believed me. I told her I would wed Lin Tsung-ping next month. She finally began smiling again. Lin Tsung-ping also knew about Lanyu, but she pretended otherwise.
I WAS thinking of how to have a showdown with Lanyu and end our relationship once and for all. This was entirely not for the sake of Lin Tsung-ping. Not for the sake of my mother too. It was for myself. I had found that I could not keep just a sexual relationship with Lanyu, like I had with other boys. When I was with him, I would be drawn into the vortex of feelings. The less we met, the more I missed him.
THE WEATHER forecast warned that there would be strong winds during the night and temperature would drop. Sure enough, a gusty wind raged all night long. When I got up in the morning, the sky was clear and the sunshine was bright, but the trees were all stripped of leaves. It was a sad kind of beauty. Lanyu was still in bed sleeping. He had said he could go to work later than usual today. He liked to sleep on his stomach with his face averted to one side. I stood in front of the bed and studied his face for a long time. Then he turned and the blanket was pushed to one side, exposing his naked body. After the sexual session last night, his shorts were flung to only God knew where. I went over and pulled the blanket back in place for him. "Is it just his body I want? Just to satisfy my sexual desire? What would I lose if I parted with him? I...." I was watching him and thinking like this while I waited for him to wake up... He woke up. He smiled when he realized that I had been looking at him. Then he looked at me like he was trying to seduce me. He must have been thinking that I wanted to make love to him again. How come he was such an idiot? "Get dressed!" I said as I left the bedroom. I did not want to discuss separation when he was naked. He got dressed and washed up and went into the kitchen to find something to eat. The place was like a hotel for lovers. The refrigerator was almost empty except for some crackers and coke. Lanyu was never picky about food. He ripped open a can of coke and took some crackers for breakfast. I looked at him. I didn't know where to begin. "I'm really sorry that I have led you onto this road. I can't go on hurting you!" I began shamelessly. "What's the matter with you?" He asked without stopping his eating. "I know you've been hating me. I am very sorry!" "I never hated you." He seemed dull and not his usual sensitive self. "Don't fool me. You never listen to me now. I'm nothing to you." I had to find a good and proper reason of breaking up. He glanced at me, "What do you mean I don't listen to you? You said therapy and I went to undergo therapy. You wanted to go on just like this with me and I have agreed. You wanted me to go out to mess with someone else, well, I'm trying!" I looked at him shocked. How come he would react like this? "These are all for your own good! And you can't tell the difference!" "Humph! All this is because of that whore?" He looked at me with disdain. I was furious. I could not tolerate his insolence. "Who are you calling a whore? You are a whore! A male whore!" He didn't say anything. He was silent for a few seconds, then he put down his drink, got up and headed for the front door. I grabbed hold of him. "What are you going to do?" "Don't touch me!" He said with disgust and tried to fling my hands off. But I held on. "I'm not through!" I said. "You just want us to part for good, aren't you? Humph! There are always greener pastures out there. I have thought this out. I won't cling on to you!" he was cold and firm. I was lost! I never dreamed that he would react this way. I let go of him. He turned and sat down on the couch, saying nothing. I took the pack of cigarette from the coffee table, lit one. I found that my right hand holding the cigarette was trembling slightly. I had to steady it with my left. Lanyu did not go out. He just sat there on the couch. We were silent for a long time. "I'm not living in a vacuum. I have to face a lot of things...I have my career, my mother...I'm afraid to stay on with you...You can't ruin me, can you?" I was incoherent. "I'm not a homosexual. I need to lead a normal life." I said again firmly.. Lanyu reached out, took my hand, we looked at each other. He was very calm. There was a slight smile on his face: "I knew that we would end up like this. I've been expecting this for a long time. I'm not afraid. I still remember what you have told me: 'One has to be willing oneself to play this game. Play it for a long time and you would be ashamed to go on.' You are getting married now. Maybe I will get married in a couple of years." I looked at his eyes. In them I could see nothing else except the word 'pain'. He gazed at me too, looked and looked...his sad eyes were brimming with tears. I did not wait for him to cry out. I turned my face away suddenly, and, like a woman, cried before him... "Han-tung! Don't be like this! It's really all right!" He said stifling his sob. What the hell was I? I had just told him off loud and clear and here I was, comforted by him! I despised myself! Maybe we both wanted to salvage some male dignity. We were parting with smiles. Before leaving each other, he still leaned in my arms, listened to me: "You must take care of yourself. You must go to the doctor when you are sick. You must go to the hospital if you have a fever." He smiled. It was supposed to be a 'yes'. "If you have a 'friend', you must be careful not to be infected." He lowered his head... "Although we have agreed not to contact any more, you must come to me if there was any emergency, do you hear me?" He nodded, his head lowered even more... That day, he said he would let me leave first. I hoped that I would feel better that way. He sat on the arm of the couch, smiling sadly at me. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart. I dared not look at him once more. I turned and walked out the door... We were separated 'for good' just like that...
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CHAPTER NINTEEN
FEELING LOST! A kind of feeling of lost that I had never experienced before. As if I had lost something important but couldn't go and try to find it. Despite that, my better judgement told me that I should never play with fire again! Fortunately, the joy of wedding quickly drown out my misery. The wedding was at the banquet room of 'Capitol'. It was crowded, extravagant and proud. I saw my mother's face flooded with smile. Surrounded by close friends, we went through every kind of party games. Tsung-ping and I munched together at an apple and candies hanging down. We were goaded to tell our love story, to sing a bawdy version of 'A Couple Going home Together'...I felt really happy, not just because I owned Lin Tsung-ping, but more because I was having the blessings of my folks and my friends. This was the first time I married, but married life was not strange to me. Although there had never been a page of legal agreement between Lanyu and me, we had lived a calm and solid life together, just like a married couple. Lin Tsung-ping had quit her job. She wanted to go to work in my company. I didn't like the idea but I agreed. In our married life, I started to discover the true Lin slowly, She was discerning about everything involving eating, drinking and dressing. She would only use brand name products. Even the toilet paper in the washroom did not escape her attention. She told me that the domestic designer brands were all rubbish, and things from Hong Kong were crass too. She had heard that only items from posh shops in Japan and the Fifth Avenue in New York were truly upscale. She would go to the beauty saloons in hotels everyday to do facials and skincare or hairdo. She hired a young live-in maid because her long, slender and well-manicured fingers should not handle housework...I did not mind her spending so much on these things. I just wondered how come a girl from a poor family, who had been a poor student and working girl like her could enjoy my fortune with such ease. She was never happy about the imported Japanese Honda I gave her. She had hoped for a Mercedes. She had asked me why hadn't I bought a villa in the suburbs. I told her I liked to live downtown because of the convenience. But she was still so delicate, sweet and graceful... That day, after making love, she lay in my arms with her back on top. I looked at her misty and mysterious eyes: "Humph! You're like a scheming she wolf!" I laughed. "And what are you?" She laughed too. "I'm like a dumb fat sheep!" "Ha! You big rotten egg!" She hit me laughingly. "Actually you are an intelligent, romantic, compassionate and sly play--boy--!" She got a little carried away. But her comment was not without some truth.
TIME FLIED. I had parted with Lanyu for over six months. He kept our promise and we did not contact each other. But every time my mobile rang, I would wonder if it would be Lanyu calling. I didn't know whether it was expectation or dread. The day we parted, he had surprised me with his reaction. He had been calm, rational and at ease. He was stronger than I had imagined him to be, and that lessened my worry. I tried my best not to think about Lanyu, about our feelings. But I would think of him when I made love with Lin. I was caressing Lin Tsung-ping's smooth, white and clean body, looking at her coy smiling face, but my sexual desire was far from aroused. I closed my eyes. Lanyu's clear and handsome face again emerged in my mind's eye. It was as if I was caressing his smooth shoulder and back, caressing his healthy and bouncy skin...my cock started to get erect...I dared not think more, because I wanted to lick his body. And if I did that To Lin, this sweet dream of mine would burst like a bubble. I hurriedly raised Lin Tsung-ping's legs and pushed my penis in. But making it all the more painful was the fact that I could not ejaculate for a long time, because the stimulation was not there. I had to rely on my imagination again to reach my climax. After that, when I made love to Lin Tsung-ping, I mostly chose to do it from behind. It was all right at first. But then this became harder and harder to satisfy me. I could only rely more and more on masturbation to satisfy myself. Eventually, I decided to find another boy. It was a boy I had met only once before. He was twenty-five or twenty-six and was introduced by a friend. My memory about him has faded now, I can only remember that he had intelligent and alert eyes. It must have been because I had not made love to a man for a long time, I was particularly turned on with that boy. When I was reaching my climax, I yelled senselessly about something. Afterwards, the boy asked me smiling if I had had a friend called Lanyu, for I called out his name when making love...
I THOUGHT I should call Lanyu on the phone. Not for anything else, at least just to see how he was doing. I called his mobile, but it was not on. I called his workplace. A woman answered. "Excuse me, I want to speak to Lanyu." I said. "Who are you?" She asked. I hated to be interrogated when I called someone. "I'm a schoolmate from the university." I tried to be patient. "He does not work here anymore." She said with disinterest. "He's transferred?" "He was fired!" She was starting to get impatient. "...Why?!" I was shocked. "I'm not sure!" she was very unfriendly. I had to hang up. I called 'Scandinavia' in the evening, but nobody answered. It was the same at one o'clock past midnight. The following day, I sent Liu Qsing to the telephone company to investigate the conditions about Lanyu's mobile and the phone in 'Scandinavia'. Both phones were still on my company's account. He came back to tell me that both phones had not been used for over six months. There was a premonition that something was not right. "You want me to go to his company to check what is wrong?" Liu Qsing suggested. "We go together!" I was afraid the news would not be good.
LIU QSING carried a reference letter, lying that it was because we intended to employ Lanyu that we came to investigate. A guy from security and another guy from personnel received us. "It's like this," said the man from personnel, "about five months ago, our company got several faxes, exposing certain undesirable behaviors involving Lanyu." "..." Liu Qsing and I were aghast. "That boy looked all right when he first came here. He was a graduate from 'China U', and quite good looking too. Who could imagine that he was a male prostitute?" The guy from security explained with glee. "Could I see the fax?" Liu Qsing reacted faster. "I have a copy here." The guy from security was particularly cooperative. Probably because of the time lapse, the fax was quite blurred. It had been typed from a computer, saying that Layu was seducing men outside and making money out of it. That he hung around the big hotels to solicit customers, providing sexual service for men... Looking at the fax, I could not be sure if I was angry or shocked. I just felt that there was something inside my throat, making me want to throw up. "These allegations may not be true, because he himself would not admit them. We can't draw a conclusion basing on a mere fax." The man from personnel who was wearing a pair of green army pants said. "But looking at what he was wearing and using, where could a newly graduated student get so much money? I heard that just the watch he was wearing was worth a bundle." The guy from security argued. I remembered painfully that it was a Rolex I bought for Lanyu from America. . "That's why he was fired?" Liu Qsing asked the cadre from personnel;. "He was not fired. We just let him resigned. It was his wish. Huh! A student, just in his twenties, he couldn't be too rotten. His work was quite good. He was serious and responsible, and got along with the boys well enough. As for seducing men...I could see he had not seduced anyone in the company." The old soldier, who was in his forties, was quite rational. "If you want to hire him, you could give him a try. And a graduate from a famous university too. But you must be careful of AIDS!" The man from personnel said again. "He had AIDS?!" Liu Qsing and I exclaimed at the same time. "That kind all have AIDS, don't you know? The doctor from our healthcare department said that." The old soldier sad solemnly. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. My stomach was churning and I wanted to throw up all the time. Coming out from that construction company, Liu Qsing asked me; "Whose fucking idea is this? Doing such a rotten thing?" "Where do you think he would have gone?" "Probably find some other work. Certainly must have something to do with construction."
HE was not staying at 'Scandinavia', so where was he staying? Why hadn't he come to me? We had agreed that he would come to me in an emergency. According to the date on the fax, the day they got the faxes had been when I was getting married. Maybe he did come for me and I had not known. Could he had come out of this in one piece? He would not have done something foolish, would he? I turned these questions over and over in my head and my stomach started to ache. I tried my best to find out about Lanyu and to investigate the source of that fax, but to no avail. For the first time, I felt that Beijing was so big. Nobody knew about him in the circle, and I couldn't find him in the construction business in Beijing. I didn't know the phone number of his folks but I had their address. I asked Liu Qsing to go to the northwest. His father said he had not contacted his family for nearly a year. He had vanished completely... It is hard to describe how I felt at the time. Maybe not as painful as when I had been parting with him. But I was very depressed. I felt fenced in by the fear and the guilt. I was afraid that something had happened to him and I would be burdened by the guilt. I had been an outgoing man, but at that period, I became withdrawn and moody.
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CHAPTER TWENTY
LIN TSUNG-PING was indeed a versatile woman. She had come to know a lot of important people through me. She was now in better terms with 'Chan' than even I, and I had profited a lot from this. She was in charge of personnel in my company and was even restricting my free hands. I was not happy about this. Her elegance, fashionable dressings, gracefulness and charm were not attractive to me anymore, for I could see through them and I could see a lot of hypocrisy. And our sex life had become a disaster for me. I was chatting with Lin Tsung-ping one day. She told me that Wei Kuo had bought a villa at 'Northern Suburbs'. "Actually, we should buy a house too." She said. "Isn't it all right here?" "This apartment is so crass. Only poor people live in this in foreign countries!" "I don't like 'Northern Suburbs'. It's too far away from downtown. I hear that electricity and water supplies were often interrupted." I stalled her with disinterest. "But you have a house there, haven't you?" Tsung-ping looked at me with a half-smile. "It's not mine! It was a friend's house I had borrowed." I knew she was talking about Lanyu's villa. This woman was so calculating. She did not go on. I looked at her eyes. They were clouded, unfathomable.
THE SCORCHING summer was gone. The cool, autumn breeze caressed my face as I walked along the road. This was my favorite season, and the most beautiful in Beijing. I was beginning to wonder how long the marriage between Lin Tsung-ping and I would last. She was still very good to me. She was attentive, caring and taking care of my everyday life. Even the clothes I wore everyday would not escape her attention. She had the right to care about everything about me and to spend my money because she was my wife. She had the approval and protection of morality and law. But I started to hate her, like I had done with the other women I had messed with before. I was starting to get tired of her. I felt that we were only getting along on the outside, that we were sharing a bed but dreaming different dreams. But I would not divorce Lin Tsung-ping no matter how you look at it. The first reason was Tsung-ping's feeling towards me had not changed. The second was that she was especially good to my mother, and that made me happy and grateful. My mother did not wish to live with us. She would rather live alone, saying that she would feel easier that way. Lin Tsung-ping would drag me back to mom most weekends. I would either eat or sleep in mom's house. Lin would chat happily with my mother. They looked just like they were mother and daughter. And I would experience the kind of joy of a family getting together. I was right marrying Lin Tsung-ping. It was an afternoon with warm sunlight streaming into the house. I was alone lying on the bed, drinking water and thinking about the negotiation at the office of 'Tsun Tin', wondering if I had conceded too much. My mother was fooling around with a brush and ink. She had enrolled into some kind of a university for the aged, and was in love with Chinese painting. "You and Tsung-ping should have a child as soon as possible. What are you waiting for?" Mom said as she was working on her painting. "It's not that I don't want it. It's her that won't have it." "Tsung-ping has told me all about it. It's you who hasn't tried hard enough." Mom glared at me. "Don't listen to her rubbish!" I didn't want to discuss this. I was having sex with Lin only a few times a month, concentrating on her ovulation period. But she just hadn't got pregnant. "Are you having a fight with Tsung-ping? You have come to me all these few days." "No." After a pause, she said again, "You know, the second daughter of Li Tah-shan got divorced!" "Ha! That's swell. I'll get you a new daughter-in-law in a couple of days." She turned to look at me startled. Then she saw the mischief in my eyes and she laughed. "You! You!" she said and went on with her painting. "Tsun-ping is really not bad to you. Although she has come from a lesser family, she can take a lot from you. Like that affair of yours, she not only did not give up on you, but also cared a lot for you. If she hadn't told me, you would still have not waken up now." I was alarmed, but I didn't show it. I got out of the bed, walking towards the sitting room, saying, "It really was nothing. You've been making a mountain out of a molehill!" "That's because we have acted decisively, and that little rascal dared not bother you anymore." My heart thumped wildly for a beat. I gripped my teacup tightly, "You mean about that fax?" I tried hard to sound casual. "It was Tsung-ping's idea too. I had wanted to find that little rascal and tell him that if he came after you again, I would report it to the leadership." I was silent for a few seconds, looking at the teacup in my hand....Then I hurled the cup at the opposite wall with all my might. After the crash, I dashed out of the front door. I heard my mother yelling frantically after me, but I did not turn...
IT WAS midnight. I came out of the bar, driving but not knowing where to go. Gradually, I was driving into the villa area of 'Northern Suburbs'. I wanted to go back to 'Scandinavia' to take a look. I had not been there for close to a year. Since the separation, I could not muster the courage to step into this house. Besides, it was no longer my property. The electric door opened unhurriedly, I drove into the garage. I had had agreed with Lanyu that the one on the left side was mine. I looked at the one on the right. I didn't know why, but I opened it. As the door raised itself, I could see Lanyu's white Lexus. I was overjoyed. He was home? I rushed to the front of the house and opened the door. A musty smell caused by the lack of ventilation rushed at my face. "Lanyu! Lanyu!" I hollered twice without getting an answer. The room was strangely quiet. The spacious sitting room was kept very clean. The pack of cigarette I had left when I was parting with Lanyu was still on the table. I walked into the kitchen and the dinning room. I remembered that the day I left, there had been some beverage left over by Lanyu. But nothing of that sort was there now. When we were together, I had rarely helped with the housework. I knew that Lanyu had never been good at this too, but he took care of it except making meals. He liked to be tidy and clean, that everything should be in the right place. I had laughed at him for being tedious, but he said it was the style of an architect. I came to our bedroom, looking at the bed on which we had made love countless of times and my eyes became acid. I opened Layu's walk-in closet. There were a lot of clothes. We had all minded what we wore, but Lanyu had this habit of wearing those he liked best time and again. Those he had not liked, no matter what the brand name or how upscale, he would not be interested in. I looked and reminisced about the titbits when we had been together. I walked into his workroom. It seemed more spacious now although it was not clear to me what was missing. I walked into our study. I rarely used the room, though Lanyu would read here often. I remembered that day when he was calling a schoolmate on the phone in this room. I saw his serious face and was very amused. So I had stepped in quietly, then suddenly yanked off his casual shorts. He was startled, desperately trying to hold his shorts up with one hand and at the same time frowning at me, glared at me and all the while going on with his conversation on the phone business-like. I was so amused I started to take his clothes off. He tried to stop me with one hand, but I caressed and kissed his body even more rigorously. Then he just ignored me and let me fool around. At last, he had hung up hurriedly and held me, pushing me onto the floor... I did not want to go on with the memory. My eyes felt even more acid. I turned and started to leave the house, then saw that there was a key on top of the desk. It was Lanyu's car key. There was a gold-plated plaque on the key chain. The plaque had been engraved for HK$20 when I and he were touring Hong Kong, with two linked hearts and the words L&H under it. We had made two of the same at the time. Mine had gone God knows where but Lanyu had been using this key chain all along. I also saw that one of the drawers of the desk was half-open. I pulled it open slowly. Inside were papers to the tenancy rights, property rights and insurance, etc of this house. Alongside was a bunch of keys to the rooms in the house, and a mobile, a pager... I went through the drawer hysterically, expecting to find some kind of a note, letter, or a last testament. But I found nothing. There was this unspeakable tiredness. I lay on the bed weakly. Lanyu, you couldn't have done this. You want this to be on my conscience all my life? I'm no gentleman, but I'm not so cruel and cold as to totally inhuman...I thought and thought and gradually fell asleep. I didn't know how long later, I was awakened by the ringing of the phone. "You all right? The old woman and Miss Lin have been looking for you everywhere! We are so scared!" Liu Qsing said frantically. "Just tell them I'm not dead yet!" I hung up before Liu Qsing could say anything more.
IT WAS like nothing had ever happened. I still had to face my mother and Lin Tsung-ping just like before. I couldn't tell them how much the boy meant to me and I couldn't tell them what they had done was so despicable and vicious. I even had to deny to my mother that I had thrown that teacup because of that boy. I just said I did that because I had had a fight with Lin-Tsung-ping. I went down with a flu. There was a slight fever. Countless medicines did not help me. One month later, even I myself began to wonder if I was suffering from some kind of incurable disease. Tsung-ping took care of me with the utmost of thoroughness. And she got along with me carefully. My mother asked me again about Lanyu and about the villa. I told her I might not live for long, so leave me alone. Poor old mom was so scared she never mentioned it again. This went on for two month. I recovered from the flu. And I began to prepare for a divorce.
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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
"TSUNG-PING, let's just get a divorce. It is painful for both of us to maintain such a marriage." I wanted to discuss with Lin Tsung-ping openly and sincerely. "It shouldn't have come to this, right? I've not been good to you? Or have I done something wrong." Tsung-ping asked with tears in her eyes. "It's just that I feel we are not happy together." "It's not a matter of happiness. It's just that you are tired of me. We've been married for only a little over a year!" "Whichever way you look at it, we must divorce!" I stood firm. "Han-tung, we are both adults. Marriage is not a children's game. Don't you think you are rushing it a bit?" Tsung-ping said forlornly. "I've been thinking about it for a long time. I really think we can't live together." I said, still without giving a solid reason. These few weeks, Tsung-ping had been trying hard to save our marriage. She had started to cook herself, and dinners were quite romantic too. Under candlelight and in soft music, she had held my hand and said she loved me. She had dragged me to concerts, leaning in my arms, just like when we had first met. Once, the band had started playing 'Liang Tsu', and I remembered that Lanyu had said the story of 'Liang Tsu' was basically a gay story (Tsu had disguised as a man and befriended Liang) and I told him that was rubbish. He had looked at me with his clear and bright eyes and said he believed. Hearing the melancholic music, it had been like looking at his eyes when he was speaking with that firm tone, and thinking about Liang and Tsu's tragic love story, and the ending when they turned into a pair of butterflies, my eyes blurred...
MORE THAN A month later, Chang who was in charge of finance told me Lin Tsung-ping had moved away $300,000 from the company. That was the maximum amount Lin could sign and cash. Lin had moved fast. I wanted to end it faster. I told Lin Tsung-ping we couldn't drag on anymore. "Han-tung, are you doing this because of a man called Lanyu?" After our squabble, Tsun-ping suddenly asked. "Something wrong with your head?" I tried to be sarcastic. "Humph! Since when we were first dating, I knew I had a rival. But I had never dreamed that my rival would be a man! How come the weirdest affair of the century would happen to me?" Tsung-ping said helplessly. "I'm fond of you, I don't mind your sickness of the mind. I have forgiven you and helped you to overcome it. But here you are, wanting to divorce me!" She said again. "Cut the melodramatics. You are that kind-hearted? Maybe you don't mind because you mind money even more?" "Money! You think too much of money! Yes, I spent your money. But what else have you given me except money? What else have you given me as a man and a husband?" Tsung-ping yelled at me at the top of her voice. This was the first time she had lost her composure. "When did you ever care about me? Do you know what I want? I asked you to go to my home once, and you said you were not used to the weather in the south. When we married, my parents came all the way to see me. I asked you to take one day off to be with them, and you said you didn't have the time. But what have I done for your mother? I chatted with her, I took her out..." She started to cry. "I love you. I did not mind your breaking my heart time and again. I have thought all along that a woman's tenderness would move you. But you? Have you ever been responsible to me and to your family? I accompany you to socialize, to go the rounds and to let you have fun. Have you ever thought about what I wanted? I don't want to have your money, but what else could I have? How much have you given me emotionally? Even in sex, you can't be a normal husband!" Tsung-ping sobbed weakly. "But you have gone too far on some things!" I said heavily.. "You finally admit it. You hate me because of that thing about the faxes. I did nothing wrong. As a wife, I had to protect my husband and my family!" She had finally cooled down. "You could have ruined that boy!" I roared at her. "Stop making me sick, will you? So what difference does it make with one less of his kind?" I looked at her pretty face, and I wanted to punch her! But I wouldn't hit a woman. "Don't talk nonsense! You have already taken away three hundred thousand, I'll give you another two hundred thousand, and we call it even." "You are not afraid that I will tell about you?" "Then you are underestimating me! Just you try, and see which one of us will be ruined at the end of the day!!" I scoffed. Tsung-ping was silent for a moment, then started to weep. It was the weep of despair. After a long time, she looked at me helplessly: "One million! That's not too much for you." She had finally named her price.
MY SHORT-LIVED first marriage had ended. I had lost too much because of this. But just as Lanyu had said, where there was loss, there must also be some gain. I had gained the evidence that I had never admitted but was a fact: regardless of whether I was in it deep or not, I was a homosexual. My mother had done nothing to stop my divorce, but I could see in her eyes a new kind of anxiousness and worry. She said that I must find another suitable woman to marry again. I thought: I'm afraid no woman is suitable for me. Before my divorce, I had been maintaining a sexual relationship with a man. He was a graduate of literature and was working as an editor in a newspaper. He had often teased me, saying that although I had come out of 'South U' majoring in Chinese literature, I was close to an illiterate. He was not tall but very handsome, the 'cool' type. He was nearsighted so he had to wear contact lenses all the time. He was four years my junior and ours was an excellent partnership. When we were together, we had a lot of common conversation. He was fond of me genuinely. I was rather fond of him too but had kept a distance. I had told him a little about Lanyu and he advised me to let it go. He was the only one who could understand that. After my divorce, he had hoped that we could have a closer relationship. But I said I had an empty place in my heart which could not be erased and which no one else could fill. He said he could understand. Then we parted and I had not tried to find other 'friends'. I was extremely lonely, but I liked it that way. I had put almost all my energy into my business. My joint venture cosmetic factory was a mess. I really knew too little about running an enterprise, marketing and management. I gave up the factory. I would develop what I did best, do commerce more. I saw a chance and grabbed it. But I needed a lot of capital. So I began working on fundraising. I stayed at 'Scandinavia' a lot of time, because that was Lanyu's home. I was hoping that he would come back suddenly one day. I did not believe that he had vanished just like that. I was waiting for a miracle to happen...
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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I NEVER liked summertime in Beijing, and summer had to be the longest season here. I counted the days since I had separated with Lanyu and found it had been one year and nine months. We had parted on a day deep into the autumn. How many more autumns I had to wait before I found him? That day, I was invited by a friend to attend a construction materials exhibition. That friend was a real estate developer who had hoped for a joint venture with me. I was not interested but had to go to save face for him. After socializing, I did not leave immediately but strolled around the grounds in leisure. It was a large exhibition with a lot of foreign businesses and joint venture enterprises taking part. I liked the designs of some of the booths. Even though I was not in the construction business, I thought them interesting. My eyes roamed aimlessly and were suddenly caught by three men. They were in front of a Japanese booth. One westerner and two Chinese were talking. The one on the left was a small, middle aged man. The boy in the middle, no, he looked too much like Lanyu! My heart thumped wildly and I was having difficulty breathing. He was wearing a dark blue suit, complimenting his outstanding and symmetrical body. He had changed to a crewcut hairstyle, which lessened his purity but added a kind of sophisticated appeal. They seemed not to be conversing in Chinese, with Lanyu interpreting for the middle-aged man from time to time. He seemed witty and suave. It was too far away for me to see his face clearly, but I knew that was Lanyu. I moved forward a little, hiding behind the column of a booth to observe him. They stopped talking. Both the westerner and the middle-aged man left. He turned and went into his booth, stood behind the information counter, producing from underneath it a bottle of mineral water, opened it and drank. A very pretty girl was standing beside him. He said something to her and the girl pouted. They were chatting and the girl's eyes never left his face. I remembered that he had not been used to get along with girls. But he could be so free and relaxed now. After a short while, the middle-aged man returned, giving them some order and patted Lanyu on the shoulder. I was not happy looking on. Then Lanyu seemed to be leaving with the middle-aged man. I stepped out from behind the column without thinking. They were walking my way...In that split second, our eyes met. Lanyu froze with surprise. He had not changed a bit. He was still so handsome, his eyes filled with surprise. But the surprise was quickly replaced by something else. Was it pain or hate? He didn't show any emotion. His eyes left me and he walked briskly ahead. I froze in daze, not knowing what to do. Then I pulled myself together and walked briskly towards the exit too. I ran rapidly to the parking lot, told my driver to go and climbed into my car, my eyes fixing on Lanyu and the middle-aged man. They climbed into a Japanese limousine and drove out. I followed close behind. My mind was in chaos. Where would they go? That middle-aged man looked like Japanese. What was the relation between them? The car stopped at 'Tien Hwa' building where there were offices mostly rented by foreign businesses as their headquarters in Beijing. I watched them got out of the car and went in together. As this was a working place, their relationship must be between a boss and an employee. That made me feel better. I waited in the car, but I didn't know what I was waiting for. Around 5 p.m., people started to come out of the building. I was at a beautiful vantagepoint. There were so many beautiful boys and girls in Beijing and they were converging here. I paid attention to every boy that came out but did not see Lanyu. He finally came out at a little before six. He had gotten out of that suit and was wearing trousers with an ordinary T-shirt with a round collar. He was not carrying anything. He just walked out briskly. I was glad that I was driving my company's black Audi. I could watch him real close. He went to the 011 bus stop and stood among the crowd that was waiting for the bus. He glanced at his wristwatch, then looked once far off. I looked at him and my heart felt as if a spice rack had toppled inside, tasting I didn't know what. I had had let him live the life of a Chinese 'aristocrat' and given him richness and glory, even given him a luxurious house. But in the end, he had taken nothing, cared about nothing. And when I had deserted him so coldly, he gave them all back to me cruelly. He wouldn't give me any peace of mind. There he was standing there, like an ordinary Beijing citizen. Only his handsome face and body stood out. I followed the little bus Lanyu had hopped on and drove along slowly. He changed bus once, finally arriving at the front yard of a big sprawling apartment complex at "Tsing Huo". He bought some tomato or something, then went into the doorway of an apartment block. I drove to the front of the door. Through the smoke-tinted glass, I memorized the number. I wanted to go inside for him, but I could not find the courage. But I didn't want to leave just like that. I just stayed in the car like that, watching the windows lighting up one after another and wondering which one belonged to Lanyu. Then two men came out. I was sure one of them was Lanyu. I couldn't see clearly the face of the other man in the dusk. He was bespectacled and looked a gentleman, probably a few years older than Lanyu. They came out into the courtyard. The stranger unfolded a bicycle. Lanyu stood real close to him. That boy seemed to squeeze Lanyu's hand, then got on the bicycle and disappeared into the night. Lanyu idled outside for one or two minutes before returning into the building.... I was listless for several days afterwards. I wanted to see Lanyu but could not muster the courage. I thought carefully about the scene in which we looked at each other the other day. He hated me, was disgusted with me? He looked doing fine. He had a good job and a 'friend'. I shouldn't go and disturb him. He did not need me at all. I must go to him, because I needed him!
I ARRIVED in front of 'Tien Hua' building at five in the afternoon, watching Lanyu coming out with several coworkers. I didn't say hello to him. I just drove straight to 'Tsing Huo'. I parked and stood waiting for him in front of the building in the area reserved for visiting relations. I waited for a long time, until it was totally dark and approaching nine. I remembered that unusual night when I waited anxiously for him to return at 'Temporary Village'. He finally came back. He was ready to go in when he noticed me nearby. He stopped for a moment. "Han-tung?" His voiced floated across. "..." I looked at him in the dark of the night. "When did you come? How do you know I'm here?" He asked. "I've been here for a while." I said quietly. "..." Both of us didn't know what to say. "You want something?" He opened his mouth again first. "Nothing. Just looking at you!" What he had said left me cold, but I was calmer as a result. We just stood there embarrassed. Then a man came out of the door and Lanyu acknowledged him. "Why don't you come in and sit for a while?" He said. I couldn't tell whether he really meant it or was just being courteous. I followed him upstairs to the third floor. He stopped in front of the middle one of three units and unlocked the door. It was a small three-room apartment. A simple dinning table and a few chairs were in the middle of the small living room. One of the bedroom doors was closed. In the other were a double bed and two desks, bookcases and some trunks. The room was not big but kept very clean. Because of the simplicity of the furniture, it had a feeling of freshness and elegance. "You rented this place?" I asked. "Yes. Only the living room and one bedroom. The other bedroom belongs to the landlord." "An empty room?" "Yes. I was told that the occupant of the room is abroad. Still, this place is a good find too." We sat in the living room, my eyes were on him but he was avoiding eye contact. "You want some water?" He broke the silence again. "I'm not thirsty!" He turned to go into the kitchen, came back with two bottles of beer. "We have only this to drink here!" He laughed as he tried to open them, then stopped: "Oh, yes, you have to drive. I have forgotten." He looked at me and laughed. He went into the bedroom, came out with a pack of cigarettes and handed it to me. "You don't smoke?" I knew he didn't smoke but still asked. "You know I'm not into this." He said. It was obvious that this was somebody else's cigarette. I didn't touch the pack but looked at him. "I see you are doing fine!" I said. "I get along." He looked at me frankly, as if telling me that he was doing very well. "How's business?" He asked. "So-so." "Our mom's well?" His tone was flat, as if he was asking for the sake of asking. "She's fine!" I smiled and tried to be as suave as I was when talking business. We exchanged some more unimportant remarks. Then I got up to go. "Can I have your number?" I mustered the courage to ask. He took a calling card from the desk. "You can page me if you want something." He said. We went downstairs. He suddenly asked me, "You got any kid?" "No!" I didn't tell him I was divorced. Then we said no more.
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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
LANYU WAS alive! And he had his own life! My fear, anxiety and worry these past two years were for nothing! I no longer had to face the pressure of my conscience. I could live recklessly like before again! He had changed. He was not the Lanyu I had known anymore. I was holding his calling card. On it were the words 'Tai Huo' Construction Company, Sales Representative and Lanyu. What more could I do? Need I call him again? As these thoughts swirled in my mind, I unconsciously picked up the telephone. My phone rang less than a minute after I had called him. "Excuse me. Who has called 23455667 please?" He asked. He had been calling the number of my office for more than four years, and now he was asking me who had called him! ! My eyes turned red. I felt betrayed. "It is I, Chan Han-tung!" I said coldly. "You want something?" He asked. "Nothing!..." I said. "...I'm working. If there is something you want, we can find some place to talk." "..." "Or you can come to my place tonight?" He said. And he sounded so indifferent. "Good!" I put down the receiver and swore to myself that this was the last time I would go to him.
I KNOCKED at Lanyu's door at sundown. Just like last time, I sat there embarrassed while he received me courteously. ... "Had dinner?" He asked. "Yes." I saw that there was a plate of leftover raw cucumbers. "You live here alone?" I asked. There was no anxiety and compassion in me anymore. I just wanted to get this over with and leave. "No!" He was still so honest. I chuckled. "I won't be here again. I just wanted to see whether you are doing fine ...I've been looking for you for more than a year, afraid something might have happened to you...Humph!" I scoffed at myself, "I have owed you in the past, I can't make it up to you. So just let me be in debt forever... I have divorced...If you needed me in any way...I mean except for money, you could come to me..." His head was lowered and his eyes were expressionless. "Take care!!" I gazed at him, said very seriously, then got up and walked towards the door. When I reached for the handle of the door, I felt my arm was clutched tightly. I turned to look at him. We were standing very close. I could feel his breath, smell his odor. Two years, and this was the moment I had been dreaming for. But he did not look me in the eye, just my shoulder...I could not control myself. I took him into my arms in a flash and tried to press his body into mine with all my might. He held me the same way. He made no sound, but I could feel my shoulder where his face was pressing turned wet. Then he started to cry, still so suppressed but really cried. And he bit my shoulder fiercely... ...He had not behaved like this even when we had been parting. Why? After I din't know how long, I wiped off the tears on his face and tried to ease off and look at him. But he held me tight and would not let go...Another long time afterwards, he let go of me. There were no more tears on his face. His eyes were red like those of a rabbit. I looked at his eyes, nose and lips. I moved my lips over his. His lips were very dry. I stuck out my tongue and licked them for him. He stood there unmoving and let me lick away...I stopped and observed his face. He gazed at me. I couldn't tell whether it was pain or happiness in his eyes. I closed my eyes with a heavy heart and went on kissing his chin, his neck... I took off his T-shirt for him, his tanned and smooth skin finally showing before my eyes. I caressed it, rubbed it with my face...I knelt down, slowly unbuckling his belt...I looked up and observed him again. He was standing there looking down at me, seemingly high and mighty, his eyes cold and filled with disgust, as if he was looking down at a waiter serving him. My self esteemed received a tremendous blow. But this kind of insult also aroused my desire to be tormented. Very well! Let me be a whore just this once today. I would pay back what I had owed him. I performed fellatio for him and he closed his eyes in enjoyment. My mouth was numb, my mind was numb, I was waiting for his climax...Then he ejaculated, squirting all over me. There was even sperm on my face. I went into the toilet, cleared away the sperm, then came out and told him I was leaving. He was putting on his pants and he froze hearing that. "Why?" He asked bewildered. I leaned on the door looking at him. I laughed, "I have told you. You can come to me if you need anything." He looked at me, his eyes again filled with tears. He took me into his arms abruptly, kissing my face fiercely...I almost lost my balance and sank weakly onto the cold floor. He went on his knees too and went on kissing me, and starting to take off my clothes...He pulled me up from the floor, pulled me into the bedroom and slowly pressed me down on the bed.... I felt dizzy at the moment of climax and I couldn't help yelling, "Don't leave me! Don't leave me, please!!"... We lay on the bed exhausted. My eyes were closed. It was as if we were floating on a calm sea, gently swaying with the water...A wave crashed down on us, and we were swept into the swirling water again...Until we were pushed up onto the crest of the wave...Then calmness again... And then once again...
I SAT in my office, reviewing what about last night scene by scene. I picked up the phone and called Lanyu. I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up tonight. He hesitated for a moment and said he had something to do that night. I asked him what was it. He said after a long pause, "I have a 'friend' coming!" I didn't say anything. I just hung up...
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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I DID not contact Lanyu again for one week. I was waiting, waiting for him to call me. Then it dawned on me that he would not take the initiative to call me. Two more weeks had passed. I called him again, telling him that I wanted to treat him to a dinner. He said it should be on him. We squabbled for a while. Finally, he said iwe could eat at his place if I didn't mind. I agreed. I saw that a lot of takeaway food was on the table when I stepped into his place. There was no improvement on his cooking obviously. We exchanged greetings. He stayed in the kitchen making preparations. I went into the bedroom and saw that there was a lot of books piled on the desk, mostly references about TOEFL and GRE. On the other desk was a television set, beside which were a Walkman and a cassette. The cassette was a tape of English songs "Classic Romantic Love Songs'. Lanyu did not like English songs, so it must have been a gift from his 'friend'. We started to eat. He watched me pick up a piece of stir fried green pepper he had made with my chopsticks and asked, "Is it good?" "It's just terrible!" I laughed. "Don't eat it! Spit it out!" He laughed too. We ate in silence. Then, after a long time, he said, "You didn't laugh at me the other day, did you? I don't know what came over me, so weak." He probably meant about his crying. "I didn't do any better myself!" I laughed. Then we were silent again. At night, we started to make love. It was only then that I felt I really owned him. We had lived together for more than four years. We were excellent partners in bed, like water mixing with milk. We knew what the other wanted and knew how to do it more passionately and involved than before. Beijing in August had not cooled down the least bit. It was even more suffocating hot in his tiny apartment. Afterwards, Lanyu fetched me a bottle of iced beer. He leaned on the bedstead, holding the beer, his eyes glued on the television. An American cops-and-robbers film was on and they were battling like hell in it. Lanyu liked historical war films or anything with violence. I had told him he was tasteless but he said I was just being cynical. "How long have you been working in that Japanese firm?" I asked him. "Probably a year." His eyes were still on the TV. "Why did you leave 'City Ninth Construction'?" I asked although I knew. "Isn't it better working for a foreign enterprise?" It was obvious that he didn't want to tell me anything. "Was it because of that fax?" I asked after a pause. "How do you know?' His eyes left the TV and looked at me in alarm. "I have gone there looking for you. I was scared stiff, afraid that something had happened to you." "Humph! It's not such a big deal!" He grimaced and looked at the TV again. "Why hadn't you come to me?" I asked. "What's the use? I couldn't stay on in that company anyway." He sounded uninterested. "At least I could help you find other jobs." "..." He seemed to be watching TV but I knew his mind was not on it. "Where did you go afterwards?" I asked again. "Just messing around! I didn't starve anyway. Don't talk about this, okay?" He said harshly with impatience. He was frowning slightly, the expression on his face was painful. I looked at him and my heart ached. Silence again. Then I opened my mouth first, "My wife did it!" He looked at me astonished, "So fucking evil!! And you married such a whore!" I could say nothing. He calmed down, "It's over anyway. So long as you didn't do it." "You could think that I did it?" I asked him aloud, "I was so fucking worried I almost gone mad. I have searched every nook and cranny in Beijing! I was most scared that you..." I couldn't go on. "It's no big deal really. Something would seem horrible at the time it happened. But bite down on your teeth and it soon belonged to the past." He said calmly, his eyes still on the television. "Actually, this thing about the fax did not despair me as much as our separation." He turned to face me and said. Those sad eyes I had known so well and which had bewitched me. Those eyes that had aroused my desire countless of times were now like a knife stabbing at my heart. I looked at him. Because of the fervor of lovemaking, the front part of his hair was still wet and matted on his forehead. His jet black eyes were gazing at me, with his lips closed tightly... I kissed him, sticking my tongue into his mouth, licking up and down, and he responded... We didn't make love again, just went on kissing like that... He got up very early in the morning. He said he should absolutely not be late working for that Japanese company. We went together. I wanted to ask him if he wanted a lift but I dared not open my mouth. He walked to the bus stop hurriedly. Before parting, he said he would contact me again. He must have been hinting that I should not call him at my whims. I didn't mind. I had made him a promise that he could come to me if he needed anything. When I was with Lanyu, I would feel very close to him, especially when we were making passionate love. I would know that was Lanyu and he had not changed. But other times, I would feel that we were far, far apart. I was experiencing for the first time the agony of one-sided love. I was sure that was one-sided. I tried very hard to get out of this situation by meeting other men, even women. But Lanyu was like a drug. I would crave for it when I couldn't get it. I would enjoy it like I was in a cloud when I could get it. But I was in endless pain when I had sobered up. We were just maintaining a sexual relationship. I never asked about his life, and he was indifferent to mine. We did not mention our past at all. We just talked about sex, never love. At first, Lanyu would call me only once for a long time. Then the pace quickened. Why? Because I was more attractive to him than other men?... I went to 'Tin Hua' to pick him up that day. On our way, I suggested we go to 'Scandinavia'. I really couldn't get used to his simple apartment. "Let's go to 'Scandinavia' today?" I asked. "I'm not going there." He refused flatly. "But that's your house." "I don't want it!" "You hate me that much?" I said bitterly. "I don't hate you." "Then why don't you want it?" "Humph," he scoffed, "You have bought my virginity for one thousand dollars. Now you want to buy my feelings with a house?' "..." I was so mad my hands started to shake. I pulled up by the roadside. "Get out!!" I said. He turned and got out of the car without hesitation and walked towards the opposite direction.
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CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
WE MADE up not long afterwards. I felt that Lanyu was right. We had better not talk about anything else except sex. I had the premonition that we would be apart. Totally, permanently apart. Once, I called a friend on the phone when I was at his place and I had to write down a phone number. I asked Lanyu where was the pen and he said inside the drawer. I pulled opened the drawer and went through it roughly. I couldn't see a pen, but several photographs caught my eyes. Most of them were that of a boy who looked very much like the one I had seen that evening in my car. He was not handsome but not ugly, intelligent looking and bespectacled, very much an intellectual. Only one of the photos showed them together, two graceful boys sitting on two rocks smiling naturally. My heart felt like there was a knife twisting around inside. One Saturday afternoon, Lanyu asked me to go to his place. He seldom dated me on weekends. I had bitterly told myself that I was his Tuesday lover. This time I told him I had an important dinner at night that I must go to. He asked me where would that be and I told him at 'Fang Hsian'. It was past ten o'clock at night when I had finished socializing. I was dizzy because I had too much to drink. I staggered to my car and was about to open the car door. "Chan Han-tung." I heard Lanyu call my name. I was astonished to see him at the other side of my car "How come you are here?" I was surprised. "I've been waiting for you for some time." He said laughing... It was nearing the end of October and it was cool. And Lanyu had been standing out there waiting for me for two three hours. What did he mean by that? Was he not fond of me anymore? I let my driver go and we drove to 'Tsing Huo'. I asked him why had he waited for me and he said he had nothing to do anyway. Sunday morning, we were snuggling under the blanket. The heating in his small apartment was minimal. I held him, letting him press against my chest. ... "I hope we could be just like before! I have no one else. Just the two of us." I wanted to make a last ditch effort. He was again silent, just lying in my arms. "Give me a chance. Give both of us a chance. My feelings towards you...it has never diminished but stronger day by day. I mean it!" And I really meant it. "You're not a true...How could you mean it?" He said. "I am! Now I feel nothing about women!" I said firmly. "You feel nothing now, but maybe you will feel something later on! Besides, you have your mother and your career." He said. "..." What could I say? "I have a friend, he is very nice to me. We have a good relationship. I'm already unfaithful to him. I can't hurt him anymore." He suddenly whispered. Lanyu. There he was lying in my arms telling me he should be good to another man. I hated it! "These couple of years, you have met only this one guy?" I let go of him and lay flat. "Humph! A lot! Most of them just wanted to come up and do it. Fuck!" He laughed. "How did you meet?" I asked. "At 'China U'. That day I had been sitting on a bench at 'The Island' for a whole day. I knew that a man was watching me. Until very late, he came over and asked me if I was a loser in love. And he handed me a cigarette." "You are schoolmates?" "No. But we could talk. He has given me a lot..." He too was lying flat, his eyes on the ceiling. "Before, when I was with you. No matter how scared inside, I would think of you and I would be afraid of nothing. Only after we had gone our separate ways did I find out that people like me are too difficult!" He said again. "I hated you for getting married at the time. But now I could understand. It is quite good the way you are. You can live with a man or a woman." He continued. "You can get married if you wish." I said. "I won't!" He said with no uncertain term. I did not want to go on talking with him. I did not want to hear him say how good that man was. I caressed his body, looked at his enchanting face. This beautiful big boy, let me get crazy with him once more. I let him lay flat on his back on the bed, took my necktie from the desk. We smiled looking at each other. I raised his arms and tied his hands on the bedstead with the necktie. This was a way to play I had learned from X-rated movies. He looked at me with surprise and excitement. I gazed at his eyes, "Be obedient or else!" I said. I took the pillow towel to blindfold him. Then I started to kiss him. I was not gentle, but like a predator munching at its prey. I not only kissed him but also bit him. I looked at the teeth marks I left on his body with agony and excitement. I moved close to his penis and swallowed it as if I had found something extremely delicious. I sucked greedily and felt immensely happy. But my eyes were a little acid...His cock could no longer contain itself in my mouth...His hands gripped the bedstead real tight... I removed his blindfold. He looked at me in excitement. He must have had seen the tears shimmering in my eyes. But very soon, he was the same as I was... "Turn over!" I commanded. He turned over. The necktie on his wrists was already loose, but he was holding on to the bedstead... I embraced him and slowly delivered my penis into... I climaxed. But that was a painful excitement. I held his body tight. I wept, "I can't stand this any longer. Let's get married! I can marry someone else, so why can't I marry you? ...I can give up anything! What do you want me to do? Say it. As long as it is in my power!...the hell with the difference between man and woman! I only love this person!! I am perverted, I am a scoundrel, but I am in love with a person." I cried my eyes out like I was mad... Lanyu's body was shuddering in my arms. "I don't want anything! Just you!" I heard him said laughing... When we came out of the room and onto the street, we were just like two casual friends. Or even less than that. As if nothing had ever happened between us...
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CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
SINCE SPRING that year, I had been having this premonition that disaster would strike. Nothing was going smoothly. My mother had another all-night talk with me. She wanted me to get married right away. She told me over and over the hazard of not marrying. She talked about her whole life, my father and the difficulty of life. That I must not be reckless, be responsible to my own life. I listened with amazement. My mother was a high school graduate I knew, but I had not known that she was a philosopher. One day, I found my little sister looking at me with disgust. Later, my mother told me that Lin Tsung-ping had told her about Lanyu and me long ago. I was no longer the big brother she could look up to. Business was no better. The general manager of 'Tsu Hang' was arrested. He had been my chief financial backer. I was afraid that I would be involved in the case, so I dared not make any reckless move, adopting a wait-and-see attitude. I started to consider my relationship with Lanyu with a cool head. Whichever way I looked at it, I was ten years his senior and had passed the age of raising a family. I could no longer being caught in the quagmire of emotions like a teenager. It was not clear to me what Lanyu wanted from me. I just wanted to give him everything I could. I no longer minded what he was doing or going out with whom. I just wanted to treasure every minute we were together. One day in March, I was summoned by Lanyu. We made love and then chatted. Then our topic touched upon mystics. About the soul and next life... "Do you wish to meet me again in your next life?" I again asked the question that troubled me. "No." He answered simply. "That means you are regretting?" "I do not regret this life, but I would absolutely not be like this again in my next life." He said. I could not comprehend. ... "Beep, beep..." His pager sounded again. He checked it but did nothing about it. He was reading a brief introductory of some school. "Shit! It is certain that I could not go to MIT this life!" He said. He had told me that this was a famous institute of technology. "Your son can go in the future." "Where would I get a son?" He looked at me laughing. His pager sounded again. I threw him my mobile. "I'd better go downstairs and answer it." He was a little embarrassed. He turned and went out of the door. He was flushed with excitement when he returned. "What's the good news that makes you so happy?" I didn't want to ask but couldn't help myself. "He got a notice that he is accepted. Twenty-four thousand a year. It's just great!" I could see he was really happy. "What twenty-four thousand?" I couldn't understand. "A whole scholarship. That's really enough! He can go surely this year!" He was talking as if he was a small child. I finally understood that his friend was going abroad to study. "So old. What's he going for?" I said sarcastically. "He's only twenty-eight! Not as old as you are!" He laughed with glee. I hated it. "Then you must try to catch up. Get ready and go together this year," I could find no reason to be happy for him. "That's easier said than done. Architecture is too hard to connect. A whole lot of acceptance notices but no money." He said as his face darkened. He thought a little and said again, "Maybe I should take the GRE exam again. I was this close to two thousand..." He seemed to be talking to himself. He turned silent again that night. He must have been feeling bad that he and his friend were going to be separated temporarily.
APRIL. I received a notice that because of the involvement with the 'Tsu Hang' case, my company's books were to be investigated thoroughly. I was in an unprecedented crisis. I rarely went home. I was afraid to face my mother's eyes. She rarely smiled these days. Maybe she had given up on me. Lanyu called me twice a week. I began to evade him or turn him down. Besides, I was busy with something else. That day, after making love with Lanyu, I asked, "Where's your original passport?" "I still have it." He looked at me curiously. "Probably expired. You give it to me and I'll arrange a new one for you. Also change a reason for going abroad." I said as I got off the bed and took out an envelope I had brought along. "Here are guarantees from a bank in the country and from a bank in America. You have the acceptance notice letter, right? Just hold this and you can get your visa." He looked at me in amazement although I had said that without any melodramatics. "But this kind of visa is very hard to get." He knew a lot about this kind of thing. "Relax. I have a friend. She's in charge of the business visa section of the Department of Economy and Commerce. And she's really friendly with the undersecretary in the embassy. She'll take you there when the passport is ready." "This could be done?" He asked, still with doubt. "No problem. You can try something else when you are in America, I have deposited fifty thousand American dollars for you. If you have no place to go, you can just borrow from it. You can pay me back later." "..." He didn't say anything. I thought he must have been touched. After a while, he looked at me and smiled. Very relaxed but dryly, "You really don't have to do this. I could see a long time ago that you are again tired of me. You've been evading me and now you want to send me away to America." He laughed even more, "You better save the money for yourself. I can go sooner or later by myself." Then he started to put on his clothes. I didn't say anything and also got dressed myself. I picked up my own things and handed him a calling card, "Lanyu, this is that person's card. Wait till your passport is okay, then call her. I have talked to her. She can certainly help you. This is a chance. You want to be with your lover in America together, don't you? If you don't want to do it, just burn these and throw them into the rubbish bin." I also looked at him with mockery. He looked at me quietly. "Don't call me again. There are lots of people better in bed than I am." I said. He looked ghastly, the sadness again floating on his face. "Right from the beginning, when we first met, you were convinced that I meant only money to you. Our first fight was over this. You are ashamed? But I am even more ashamed...All I have given was a few lousy dollars?! Humph!" I laughed at myself. He lowered his head without saying anything. "I won't spend the night here this time. It's too cold here. I've been tired of that a long time." I went to the door, "You are not seeing me out?" I said as I opened the door. He just stood there. "You don't know the way out?" He was right. I should get out myself.
OUR SEPARATION was absolute this time. I was not in great pain. I just felt that my heart had been hurt so much it had become numb. I imagine that Lanyu would have felt the same before. After that, lanyu had called me on the phone twice, saying that he wanted to buy me drinks. I told him I was busy and I wanted to quit drinking too. I did not have time to experience this agony of love anyhow. I was arrested one month later. I don't want to say too much about the case, except that I remember the day when I was arrested, some plainclothesmen came into my office to show me the warrant and had me signed it. I stuck out my hands to let them cuff them. I was not a brave man, but I was unusually calm that day. Before that, I had the premonition that this thing would be very serious. I had done a lot to try to protect myself. But I had found that in a time like this, all friends were friends no more. I could understand. I was accused of a lot of crimes, including bribery, conspiracy in smuggling, illegal fundraising...You can come up with a lot of reasons if you really want to get someone. Anyway, everybody was doing the same thing, except that my backing was not strong enough. I was also not ruthless enough. After so many years messing around in the business circle, I was still too much of an intellectual.
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CHAPTER TEWNTY-SEVEN
I WAS locked up in a sub-station. I was given the task of writing explanatory information. The situation seemed horrible at the beginning. I could be sentenced to death. I began to review my whole life. I had done a lot of bad things, so maybe I deserved this. But the injustice of it was that so many people were more evil than I and they were living better than most people. At that time, the only people I could think of were my mother and Lanyu. Especially my mother. What would my death mean to her. I didn't worry much about Lanyu. I just felt regret. He was the only love in my life, but he did not understand. And he had never told me he loved me. I no longer worry about whether I was a homosexual or heterosexual; this was such a trivia when you were staring death in the face. Only the give and take of feelings was the worthiest treasure Soon, I had found out that there was a chance for the better. The lawyer told me that the case could drag on for a long time. I was caught because there had been a power struggle high up. I was only a small fry caught in the crossfire. At first I could see no one except that incompetent lawyer. Then I saw Liu Qsing. I was given a chance to meet Liu Qsing alone in the office of the pretrial department. Liu Qsing told me a lot of news. The assets under my name and my company's name had all been frozen. The investigation was still going on. Basically, my company had stopped functioning. The executives had all left, as if when a big tree fell, the monkeys would scatter every which way. Liu Qsing was trying everything to make connections to get me out of prison. "My mother is all right?" I asked Liu Qsing after talking about the case. "She gets by! Don't worry." "Please! Brother! See her more for me." I thought about not having satisfied my mother's most basic request, and now she had to face the fact that her son was in prison, I was so ashamed. "Relax! Han-tung. Your mom is my mom, just like my own mother. Now I go to see her almost everyday. I'm her son. I will feed her and bury her..." My eyes were red. "Thanks!" I said. Friends, this was my real friend. Lanyu had taught me that. "Yes, here's a note from Lanyu. He asked me to bring it to you." Liu Qsing said as he produced a note from his pocket. It was in Lanyu's handwriting: Han-tung, everybody is trying to help you. You must have faith. You can come out for sure. I will wait for you, for no matter how long. You are in debt to me all your life, that's what you have said and you can't go back on your own words. I am waiting! You must, must take care of yourself!! Yu I looked at the word Yu, and tears streamed down my face nonstop. We had never addressed each other like that, but I understood what he meant... "How come he knows about me?" I asked Liu Qsing. "He called and couldn't get to you. He was worried and asked me. He came with me today. Because I have agreed with Kuo Ti (the trial clerk) that I was to see you alone, he has to wait outside." "Tell him to get out of the country fast. He and I must end right here and now." I said. Liu Qsing did not answer that. He said again, "Lin has also called to give her regards! She's quite worried about you. She asked if there was anything she could do to help." "Don't mention her!" I was feeling real bad. "That woman is a little too scheming, but she is not bad to you." Liu Qsing would always speak in her defense. ...
IT WAS a very hard March. You can imagine what prison life was like. There was no trial, no legal procedure at all. I was just locked up like that. The prosecutor and the man from banking investigation were quite nice to me though. Especially the latter. We were virtually becoming friends. Finally one day, I was told that I could go. Arrested for no reason at all and released for no reason at all. Coming out of the front door of the substation with Liu Qsing and the lawyer, I saw Lanyu standing far away at the side of a car. Maybe because I had not seen him for a whole summer, he looked unusually tanned and lean. When we looked at each other, he sized me up and down, as if trying to find something missing on me. We didn't say anything, but Lanyu's eyes were on me all the time. Lanyu and I sat in the back of the car with Liu Qsing driving. I looked outside the window. I was free, and was returning alive to this city I was so familiar with...Suddenly, I felt my hand being touched. It was Lanyu. He had placed his hand on mine hesitantly. I looked at him. His eyes were firm and stubborn, his bright pupils filled with emotions. I squeezed his hand tightly. Two men's hands holding together with all our might. I was hurting. He must be hurting too. But we did not let go, but holding on even tighter.... ... Liu Qsing drove the car to my home. Lanyu said he would wait for us in the car. My mother appeared at the doorway before Liu Qsing and I could go in. I stepped in front of her and she gripped my arms with both hands real tight. Then she bawled. I held her, trying hard to keep calm myself, "It's all right, mom! What are you doing! Isn't this well enough?" I was stifling a sob. My mother cried even more... My sisters and Liu Qsing came up to comfort her. The old woman finally stopped crying. Inside the house, I saw my mother gradually turned to smiling, and I started to think of Lanyu in the car outside. Such a pity. The only two people I could think of in my moment of life and death, and they could not stand beside me at the same time. I lied to my mother that I had some important business to tend to in my company and got out with Liu Qsing. "How come your are out so quick? Is our mom better?" Lanyu asked with concern. "She's all right. As long as she could see me." I laughed. "Where are you going? I'll give you a lift." Said Liu Qsing. "You hungry? Let's go get a meal? I'll treat" Lanyu suggested. "Let me buy it. Just to celebrate Han-tung's safe return." Said Liu Qsing. "I want to take a bath first. And I don't want to eat out!" I hated eating in restaurants, even though I had not had any decent food for months. "How about going to my place?" Suggested Liu Qsing. We decided to go to Liu Qsing's place. It was a gathering for men. Pretty soon, the room was filled with the smell of alcohol and swirling with thick cigarette smoke. And we cursed from time to time. I was the first to get drunk. Liu Qsing was somewhat inebriated. Lanyu drank very little, but he looked happy, listening to Liu Qsing and I cursing at the general unfairness of the world. "Liu Qsing, here's to you! I must pay you back! We are friends for better or worse. I must repay you!" I could speak from my heart when I was drunk. Liu Qsing had taken out all of his three hundred thousand dollars savings to help me get out. That was what he had done for a friend. "Don't mention it. So long as you can get out, the money is well-spent." Liu Qsing raised his glass and drank bottoms up with me. I turned to look at Lanyu. He was silent but listening to us with interest. "Thanks for your note. I could not have stayed on in that hell hole." He smiled easily, "Drink up!" He raised his glass to me...
THE CASE was finally closed. All charges against me were dropped for lack of evidence. But because there were a lot of problems with the company, such as evading and omitting paying tax, it was fined a hefty sum. The rest of the assets were refunded. I was quite satisfied with such an outcome. Although I was hurt bad financially, I could still make a come back. That was one huge disaster in my life, I was lucky to escape with my life. And I had also learned something in it. It had changed my outlook towards life. I began to live modestly and naturally.
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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
IN LANYU'S tiny apartment, I lay in his arms as he studied me and kissed me from time to time. "Have I changed a lot?" I asked, meaning the way I looked after getting out of prison. "Not much. Just leaner." "I thought you had forgotten about me!" I said. "I was worried you couldn't take it. I remembered that when I first got the faxes, all the leaders in the company wanted to talk to me. Security had asked me to write information and details...I was so worried about you." He was not good at expressing himself, but I understood. I turned over to get up, took him in my arms and studied him carefully. He really was a little different from when I had first met him. There was this extra sophistication across his eyes and brows. Before, when he looked at me, there would be this uneasiness and doubt in his eyes. But now, when he looked at me, he was sure of himself and frank. He was a little thinner than when we got together again. Why? Was it that it pained him to be with me? I lowered my head and with my moist lips kissed his brow, eyes and nose. Then slowly moved to his lips. I licked him carefully and he also responded by sticking out his tongue. I lowered my head even more. We kissed with deep emotions...I raised my head to look at him, caressing his hair gently with my fingers tangled in it. "Tell me, why did you sign just the word 'yu' on the note you gave me?" I asked. He laughed but did not answer. "You want me to pay you back. How?" "Do what you think fit." He laughed. I looked at him. Why didn't he tell me he loved me? But I could feel it, and that was enough. This excited me more than a thousand words of sweet nothings. "I want you! Unless I died, let's just go on like this, okay?" My eyes were gluing to his as I said that. He laughed, again so relaxed. "What if we grew old?" He asked. "Unless you think I'm too old for you!" I said. He still laughed. His laugh made me so helpless, and a little disappointed. He must have observed my frustration. He turned around to press his face against mine and kissed with me once again. "You are a drug. I know I shouldn't touch it, that it would ruin my life, but I am touching it again." He laughed and said. God! It's such a coincidence that we both regarded each other as a drug. I could say nothing. "So you are addicted again. What are you going to do?" I tried to act casually and asked. "Waiting for the next rehabilitation!" He said. I couldn't understand. "So when do you think this rehabilitation would take place?" I guessed that he was hinting we would eventually go separate ways. "Waiting for you to get married again. Or going out with someone else." He was still laughing, relaxed, not serious at all. Looking at his smile, hearing his words, my feeling was indescribable. He absolutely distrusted me, but still he was willing to be with me without a care in the world... "Can you go abroad this year?" I tried to change the subject and asked him about his plan of leaving the country. "It's off a long time." "He's gone?" I asked. "Yeah.' "Then it's through between you?" "..." He did not answer. "He must know a lot about us?" I asked. "He knew nothing. I never told him." I was surprised and couldn't understand. "I never told anybody about us." He said again. "Why?" "I don't want to share it with anyone." .... I could only sit there looking at him, dazed and in silence. We had known each other for seven years. I knew feeling was most important to him, but I had never dreamed that he would be so obsessed. That night, we made love as if there was no tomorrow. Lanyu was extremely turned on, indulging in the joy of sex madly. I was excited too but I did it with real care, as if afraid he would melt in my arms. Afterwards, I was awake almost all night, letting him sleep in my arms. And he slept soundly. I thought about my life, my career, my mother and the days and nights in prison. I swore to myself that unless Lanyu was tired of this kind of life, I would stay by his side forever.
EARLY MORNING, when the sun rose in the east, we started to get busy again in our own different ways. I dropped Lanyu off at his workplace, then went back to my company to try to salvage something. It was like returning to the beginning. It was hard but fulfilling. I had already given up the reserved room at the hotel and sold the houses at 'Temporary Village' and 'Movement Village' because I needed cash. Except going back to my mother's occasionally, I stayed almost every day at Lanyu's small apartment at 'Tsing Huo'. I joked that I was seeking refuge in him after the fall. He was very busy. That Japanese boss was hard on him. He always told me that these foreign bosses were so mean, that he wanted to be another Hitler, killing off all the Japanese. I said he was an extreme nationalist and he said I was right. But he did his work well. That day, he told me happily that the boss had given him a raise. So we went to a restaurant and I made him pay dearly. Lanyu never talked about the past, nor mentioned the future. He did not believe in the future. We were happy now, and that was what counted. That day, I was waiting for him from afar opposite the entrance of his company. A very pretty girl came out with him and they were talking and laughing. When Lanyu climbed into the car, I teased him, "You are doing real fine. Landing a pretty girl like that." "It is her that won't leave me alone." He was gleeful. I could imagine. "Then why don't your grab the chance and bag her?" He looked at me bewildered, then lifted one eyebrow with disgust, "That would be hurting her." I realized that I had a slip of tongue. "I was joking! I thought you were fond of that girl!" I had to find an excuse for myself. "I won't! I won't get married this whole life! I can't understand why most of us eventually choose marriage. It's meaningless, and immoral too." He said. "Ho-hum!" I laughed dryly.
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CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
WHEN I was staying at Lanyu's place, he was responsible for most of the expenses except when eating out. Both of us avoided talking about money. It was a knot in Lanyu's heart, and also in mine. I often thought if we had not met each other under such unusual circumstances, we would surely be much happier. One day, Lanyu told me that the landlord wanted the place back next year. "He wants to raise the rent?" I asked. "I have asked. He said the owner of the room might come back next year." "Then find another place." I said. "It's very hard to find." I thought for a moment, then probed carefully, "Or maybe we could go back to 'Scandinavia'?" He didn't say anything, just went on making his fry rice with egg. I passed him the salt and studied his expression carefully. He must have been unhappy. "Forget it. If you really don't like that house, I'll sell it. It happens that I need the cash now." He still didn't answer. "You don't agree?" I asked. He turned off the gas stove and looked at me smiling. "I have already sold it!" He said lightheartedly. I was so surprised I was speechless. "Haven't you said you have given it to me? Changed your mind again?" He seemed to challenge me deliberately. "Sold it to whom? How much?" "A real estate man from Shenzhen. Three hundred eighteen thousand American." He said scrutinizing me. "Haven't you told me that if I didn't like it, just sell it? I listened to you." He laughed suavely. I smiled stiffly, "You love me that much?" "Right!" He was still laughing as he reached under my jacket. I shuddered. I did not ask him what he had done with the money. I didn't know if I should be glad or worried about this unexpected news. Money! Lin Tsung-ping had said that I thought too much about money. It was true. Since I found out that Lanyu had accepted that fortune, I felt that we were even. I didn't need to be so careful towards him like before. And I no longer felt guilty.
SUNDAY MORNING, I was still sound asleep when I felt someone groping all over my body, in particular rubbing up and down at my penis. "This stinking Lanyu. What a nuisance!" I thought laughingly. I pretended to be still asleep to see what he was up to. He peeled away my blanket and licked my body, then acted as if he was studying my body carefully. Even scrutinizing my lower part. I couldn't help laughing. I shouted loudly, "What are you doing?" He gave a start, then flopped into my arms. "I had never studied you properly." He laughed and said. "I'm a map or what? You need to study me like that?" I laughed too. "Ha! I was thinking why was it that we were almost the same size at ordinary times, but when the time came you would be a little bigger." He laughed even more, pressing on top of me. "I am bigger at ordinary times." "No, you're not." "Get a ruler to measure it if you don't believe it." I said. He went to get a ruler. But when he saw my cock again, he said, "This doesn't count. This is absolutely not ordinary time!" He laughed. I looked at him, then reared up and held him. "Let me measure yours!" I said. "With what?" He asked. "With my mouth!" I said. He laughed, so sweetly and enchantingly. I started to perform fellatio for him. I was drunk. I was so infatuated with him I couldn't help myself. I stopped and gripped his chin. "Love me?" I asked scowling. He must have been made uncomfortable by my grip. He frowned, looking at me, then, under my scrutiny, became emotional and nodded with effort. "Say it!! Let me hear it!" I released my hand and demanded harshly. "..." He looked at me but said nothing. "I love you! I really love you!!" I gripped his chin tightly again and confessed from deep within my heart. He wriggled free and laughed. God damned it! I hated his laughter. Ever since we were together again, I had not been able to fathom how deep his feeling was about me. He always smiled that uncertain smile...I lowered my head and sealed his mouth abruptly with my mouth. Why should I force him to say it? He didn't want to lie. We kissed. We rolled on the bed and kissed fervently... Enough kissing and I again performed fellatio for him ...He called out my name the split second before he spurt, but I still sucked him greedily...He climaxed. I felt a hot stream of liquid shooting at my throat. I backed off hurriedly... Lanyu looked at me in astonishment, "Why, you ate it?" "So what? It's nutritious. You taste it too." I said as I wiped off some of the residue on his body and delivered it to his mouth. He tried to duck laughing but was to late as I smeared it squarely on his mouth. He frowned and tasted it. "Like milk...adding some fish soup?" He said. We laughed at each other, then jumped off the bed and raced each other to the bathroom...
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CHAPTER THIRTY
IT WAS a weekend with warm sun and soothing light breeze. Lanyu suggested that we go outdoors to spend some time. I was a little tired but I went with him. He drove. We wanted to find some place with no people around. "Perk up!" He said as he saw me yawning all the time. "Don't you know that I'm getting old? Sing a song to pick me up!" "What am I going to sing?" He thought about it... "Our team is facing the sun, our footsteps on the earth of our homeland..." He started to sing with zest. "Our nation's hope is on our shoulders, we are an invincible force..." I sung along happily. "......Forward march, forward march. Our team is facing the sun, facing the victory of revolution, facing the liberation of the whole nation!!" We sang at the top of our voices, without a care in the world Then we laughed loudly. We came to a hill west of Beijing. It was a remote place where we would not be disturbed. Lanyu's head was resting on my thigh and he was looking up at the sky. "Seems the sky in Beijing is bluer than that of my hometown." He said. "The sky in America is even more bluer than this." I said. "The moon in America is rounder than that here, right?" He mocked me. "Isn't it you who have been crying to get out?" I mocked him too. "Who's been crying? I had no choice." He laughed. "You're not going away?" I asked. "Not unless you go with me. Let's go together, okay?" He looked at me seriously. "What if I won't go?" "Then forget about it! Beijing is quite nice!" He said without discrimination. I heard some voices vaguely. "Somebody seems to be coming. Get up fast." I said as I tried to push him up. He stayed in my arms. "Look at you! What are you afraid of? Let him come! He is not my match!" He laughed recklessly. "What if there were two of them?" I asked. "We still have you." "What if there were three of them?" "They still may not be our match." "What if there were a lot of them?" I asked him again. "Humph! The worst is getting hurt. The net breaks even though the fish dies!" "Great! That's the spirit of a 'China U' graduate. Reckless enough!" I laughed looking down at him. He laughed too. I admired him. He had the kind of courage I would never have. On his face, I was seeing not just the handsome of a young man, but also a stunning and youthful strength. I gazed at him. He sat up, gazing at me too. Again, I grabbed him into my arms. We embraced tightly...I closed my eyes and kissed him. His moist lips were against my face. We kissed, as fervently as two people having just fallen in love...That was the first time we embraced and kissed outdoors. With us were the bright sunlight and the silent hills.
BEIJING WAS crisp and dry in the golden autumn. The sky was exceptionally blue. The leaves on the tree had already shed and scattered, covering the bald face of the road, making it look fuller and more solid. Early in the morning, the warm sunlight streamed into our small apartment, compensating for the chill left by the inadequate heating. Both Lanyu and I were up late. I had an important appointment I did not want to miss and Lanyu was the kind that hated to be late. We got out of bed hurriedly, washed and went on our own ways. Before getting out, Lanyu laughed and had me kiss him. I pecked him once on the cheek just to get it over with. I asked if he wanted a lift. He said he would hire a car himself. We agreed that I would pick him up in the evening. I was in time for that negotiation and the result was good. I was going to make a bundle. I, Chan Han-tung would turn the table entirely, and that was imminent. At noon, I returned from 'Tai-Hsia' happily. The minute I set foot inside the door, I was ushered into the office by Liu Qsing. He looked tense and serious. "You sit down first!" He said as he pushed me onto the couch. "What's the matter?" I was curious. "Han-tung, you must prepare for the worst..." He began with difficulty. "What happened?" I shouted, very tense. Would it be that my mother... "Lanyu was in a traffic accident!" "..." I opened my mouth, unable to comprehend. "The taxi he was riding in collided with a truck...He was instantly...The traffic department just phoned here..." "..." Tears were streaming down my face, but I just didn't know what to say. "Han-tung! Are you all right?!" I vaguely heard Liu Qsing's voice, as if from far, far away.
I WAS like having fallen into a cloud, floating lightly, feeling nothing. I followed Liu Qsing half-consciously to that certain hospital, then vaguely followed Liu Qsing and another person in a big white robe into a room. Inside were a lot of beds, all covered with white sheets...They stopped in front of one of the beds, peeling away the white sheet... I saw it. It was a person's face, all bloodied. I laughed!! I knew that was Lanyu. He was here, wasn't he! I leaned down and gripped his shoulders with my hands. It was so familiar. Those were his arms. Except they were now exceptionally rigid, and cold... I looked at him with eyes he had known so well. I couldn't see those bright eyes, the straight nose, the enchanting lips. There was only the snarling black blood....So what? I knew that was he. I didn't have to see to know....With all my might, I held on to him and wouldn't let go!! "Oh! Oh!..." The sound came from inside my throat, like a dying man struggling. I felt someone pulling at me. Saying, "Han-tung, calm down." Go to hell!! You living people and dead people, just you watch!! I no longer have to cover up or to hide. I want to stay by his side!!! You can sing about your love and hold your loved ones to kiss in the public, why can't I mourn my dead loved one?!! I watched his chest, that wide chest which I had kissed and caressed countless of times... Seemed that somebody was dragging me hard. Go to hell! You want to laugh at me? Go on laugh! I can't just leave my loved one like this. I want to hold him. I'm sure he needs me! I want to hold him tight. I want to let him dissolve in my hands...He is not dead! He may wake up any minute. He has said that I would pick him up this evening. Yes! He had me kissed him this morning. He rarely did that. He must have been hinting at something...And I just went through the motion kissing him...How could I have been so stupid!! I moved closer to his face. I wanted to make up for that kiss on that mass of mangled blood and flesh... Finally, I was lifted by a great force and I became farther and farther away from him...I didn't want to take this, but there was nothing I could do...
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CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
AUTUMN IN Beijing was no longer my favorite season. It was so drab and lifeless, with the ice cold wind sweeping away everything. I once again stepped into the small apartment at 'Tsing Huo'. It was so comfortable but at the same time so horrifying. The glass left behind that fateful day was still on the table, with the unfinished water still inside. I dared not touch that glass... I went into the bedroom. All his things were still there, not one item missing. But why was their owning not returning? The blankets on the bed were folded. I had told him at the time not to fold them, that we were pressed for time, but he said he just couldn't stand my messy way...I picked up the clothes he had gotten out of. His body warmth was no longer on them. I let myself drop down on the bed, sitting there and buried my head in the clothes. I cried. Finally opening up and really cried...The heart-wrenching weep of a man echoed through the house... I could not stay at 'Tsing Huo', and did not want to go home even more. So I just stayed at the office. During the following week, I was like a walking corpse. My weight plummeted. Along came the hallucinations, always feeling that Lanyu was calling for me. Every minute, I would expect Lanyu to materialize in front of me. I constantly turned around to see if there was any miracle happening. I was at the brink of a nervous breakdown. That day, I was ordered home by my mother. I stepped into the house, acknowledged her and hurried into my room. I didn't want her to see me the way I was. I lay on the bed half-awake. After I didn't know how long,, I heard the door being pushed open and my mother came in. She sat on the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I felt my mother's hands on my arms, just like she had done when I was small. Rubbing up and down. "Little Tung! I know you are feeling terrible. But you can't raise the dead." I heard the old woman weeping. My tears streamed out once again, but I made no sound. "I know all about you. Liu Qsing has told me everything. If that boy didn't die, I would not object you being together." She said. More tears came out from my eyes. "You are saying this too late." I said silently in my heart...
TWO WEEKS later, I called Lanyu's father on the phone as suggested by Liu Qsing. When I told him the bad news, I heard an old man's weeping at the other side... A few days later, Lanyu's father called me. "Has he left anything?" The tired old voice asked. "No. And because it was an accident, happening so suddenly, he has left no words." "Er...anything left?" He asked. "Some clothes, books, you want any of them, I'll send them over." I thought he wanted some of Lanyu's things to memorize him. "Oh..." he seemed to want to say something. Then it dawned on me that he could be asking about money. I thought Lanyu must have had an estate, three hundred and eighty thousand American dollars. But I had not found any document concerning this sum of money, except a savings passbook containing a few thousand dollars. I asked Liu Qsing offhand, "You know about Lanyu selling the 'Scandinavia' house?" I asked. "I know..." He sounded heavy. "His good-for-nothing dad is thinking about the money he has left in a time like this! I don't know where he had put it." Liu Qsing looked at me in astonishment, "He hadn't told you?" "Told me what?" "The money was spent when you were in prison!" "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in astonishment. "Lanyu wouldn't let me. He said he would tell you, to surprise you." "..." "When you first went in, we were so desperate. Lanyu asked me everyday if there was news of you. We all thought you had been shot. Then our mom managed to find 'Li'. But he fucking named the price at ten million!" "But didn't you say one million?" "Lanyu said that. I never said one million." He said again, "But where could we get the money? I had over three hundred thousand. The old woman some six hundred thousand. I couldn't borrow from fucking nobody. Even Ai-tung and Tsing-tung (my two younger sisters) said they had no money. Lin Tsung-ping had said she would help. But when I really tried to borrow from her, she stalled me by saying she couldn't come up with the cash... Couldn't blame them. Who didn't know that the money would be like water poured down the drain? Lanyu was very desperate but there was nothing he could do. He said he had never before in his life thought money was that important. Then he remembered the 'Scandinavia' villa. It was under his name and could be sold. I sold it in just one week. Three hundred and eighty thousand American, furnishing and the car included. But we couldn't come up with anything else... "To be honest, I used to look down on him very much. But I admired him very much on this thing. He was a friend, and compassionate enough! Just that kind of relationship and he did great. Even if this thing happened to me, my wife may not be so concerned. Fuck!" "Then why did he keep it from me?' My eyes were brimming with tears as I asked perplexed. "He said he wanted to play a joke on you. I thought he had told you a long time ago." "My mother knew?" "Of course! That day we went home with you and Lanyu was waiting outside, the old woman had gone to the window and looked at him for a long, long time."
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THE END
THREE YEARS Later, I have immigrated to Canada and bought a house in West Vancouver. I have remarried. I do not have the kind of courage like Lanyu had to face my homosexual identity. Besides, the door to my feeling has totally shut a long time ago. I could not love my young wife. But I am doing my best to be considerate and take care of her. I have become religious. I am a Christian now. When I was baptized, I had doubted if God would accept me, this homosexual into his flock. Now that I am one of His subjects, I often pray to him: Lord! Please hear the prayer of this one who has sinned. I was in love with a person. I have given him so much pain. But now he is dead and I cannot make it up to him. I beg of you, merciful Lord, please accept him into Heaven. He had hurt no one when he was on this Earth. He was so kind, so righteous. The only thing he had done that he shouldn't was falling in love with someone he shouldn't and had an affair that was considered preposterous, shameless and decadent on Earth. But this affair was pure, innocent and eternal. Oh Lord! I have another request that you must grant. Wherever you have sent this boy, please let me be with him when I left this world. If he was in Heaven, let us rejoice there together, and tell about our love on earth, and let me make up to him. If he was in hell, then let me be in hell too, to stand behind him, holding his shoulders tightly with both my hands, pressing on his back, to bear the torture and fire of hell together. I will not have any regret. In the name of the Holy Father, the Holy Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen. The weather in Vancouver is nice. It is deep into autumn too, but there is not a shred of that drab. Most of the trees are still green, with only a few golden yellow leaves having floated down onto the green lawn. I am sitting in front of my doorway in the yard, hearing behind me the laughter of my mother, my wife and my daughter. I look up to see the setting sun at the end of the sky. In the chrysanthemum-red sunlight, I vaguely see Lanyu walking towards me slowly, looking at me in sadness, then smiles lightly. The smile is so natural, serene and bright...
THE END