Billy Chase 286
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Wednesday
- I can't believe how many pages I've used up in Brandon's book so far. I didn't feel like I had all THAT much to say. But now it looks as if I've only got a week left. Two weeks if I write really small. I wanna make it stretch for as long as I can. I kinda like the idea that Brandon bought it for me for my birthday. It makes me feel...good, you know?
Anyway...whatever. I had a somewhat shitty day today despite a decent morning, but I'm not gonna let it bring me down. I just...refuse. There just comes a time when I get sick of feeling like garbage. There's gotta be some good luck coming around the corner somewhere. I can just feel it. I'm just gonna stop walking and run to go and find it. Because my heart is getting severely tainted by all this drama lately. I don't want to end up as one of those people who gets so far gone in the bad things that they never recover from it. That would suck.
I had a bit of a heart to heart with Sam this morning. If you can call it that. The weird thing is...I don't know if it really solved anything, or if it just kept things from getting worse. Who knows? Maybe it had no effect at all. But at least we both have an idea of what one other is thinking for a change. That's new.
I made sure to go over to his house early enough for....I mean, like...to talk. Who knows? I don't know why I did it. Or maybe I do, but I don't wanna write it down. I sound like a bad enough person as it is already.
Lucky me, Sam decided to be home this morning. But I noticed that he was already dressed except for his shoes. I wonder if he was looking to run out and ditch me again like he did yesterday. Anyway, I could feel the heat of his attitude the minute I walked in the door. I think his week long grounding has gotten him feeling all restless and angry. Great. Every time HE gets restless, I get to deal with nasty comments and dirty looks. But this morning was more than that. It was worse than normal. So finally, I get sick of him being short with me and rolling his eyes at every word that came out of my mouth and I asked, "Ok, dude...what is it? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? You're treating me like shit right now, can you at least tell me why?"
He actually glares at me, like, "Don't act like you don't know what this is about, Billy. I don't even know why you're over here right now."
I'm like, "I'm here because I'd like to go to school with my BEST friend. Does that ring a bell? Do you remember when we used to do that? Like FRIENDS do?"
He's all like, "Oh, but you couldn't come over on Monday though? What, are you scared of me now or something?"
I said, "Scared of WHAT? What are you talking about?"
He says, "I think it's just fucked up that you just wanna start avoiding me all of a sudden. That's all. You don't wanna hang out, then fine. You don't have to lie to me and start making excuses..."
I said, "Hang out? Is that what we were gonna do on Monday? Is it?" I almost dared him to answer me. In fact, I looked him right in the eye and asked him, "What was going to happen if I had come over on Monday morning, Sam? Huh? What did you have in mind?"
He's like, "You are being such a fag right now..." Which was a comment that hurt a LOT more than he meant it to. I really took it to heart. He's like, "I don't understand why you're being like this. If you didn't want to do it anymore then you should have just said so. Don't lie to me."
I'm like, "Since when has what I wanted ever been a part of this little arrangement of yours? You turn your interest in me on and off whenever the hell you feel like it, and I'm supposed to 'guess' whether you want me to touch you or stay the hell away from you. I'm tired of dancing on eggshells while you pull my puppet strings. You may want to control every single aspect of what's going on between us in some weird attempt to protect your precious masculinity, Sam....but my emotions don't work like that. Ok? How can you not take how I feel into consideration when you treat me this way? How can you not stop and think, 'oh wow...I might actually be REALLY hurting Billy's feelings by only thinking about myself'?"
Sam was like, "What are you freaking out about? Jesus, it's JUST sex!"
And that's when I blurted out, "Not to ME, it isn't!" I think I had gotten a little misty eyed just hearing the words out loud. But it was the truth. Raw and uncut. I said, "Maybe you can detach yourself emotionally from me when you feel like it and just go about your day, not thinking about it again until the next time you feel that I'm 'useful' to you...but I can't. I think about you, Sam. A lot. And you don't think about me the same way. You don't feel the same way, you don't act the same way...you can't return the intimacy that I'm trying to share with you. And it really hurts sometimes. I don't want to end up losing out on the best friend I've ever had over this. I don't want this to go too far where I end up looking at you with feelings of resentment and regret when I know that we can stop right now and try to get back to being the friends we used to be."
Sam was quiet for a moment, and with a sigh, he's like, "I asked you, Billy. I asked you before if you thought I was using you, and you said no..."
I said, "Just face it, Sam. You can't love me. And that...sucks, but I'm willing to accept that." Then I added, "But I can't say the same for myself. If we were two straight guys getting together for a little mutual suck off session on the weekends...that would be different. But the problem with me being gay and soooo close to you is...my feelings get involved. Yours don't. you don't have any real feelings at all when it comes to doing things with me. Every time you push me away or treat me badly....it's like heartbreak. Total heartbreak. I know that there's got to be a sensitive part of you in there somewhere that is sensitive and emotional enough to at least understand that. I know there is."
He said, "God...you sound just like Joanna used to. I mean, what's the big deal? Everybody is soooo emotional all the time, I don't get it. I mean, I care about you. You know I do. I never would have done anything to hurt you, Billy. You're my best friend in the world."
I told him, "I know. You just...you can be really cold when you want to be. And I just want to be close to you again, like we were before. But....without the sex stuff. Ok?"
He looked me in the eye, and even though the tension was still pretty thick between us, he forced a sly grin to cross his lips and said, "Deal. I think I can handle that." But instead of giving me a handshake or something 'boyish'...he gave me a hug. And then, before letting me go, he kissed me. A quick, light, and friendly kiss, sure...but it was on the lips. And it made me so giddy inside. It actually gave me the tingles. He's like, "Sorry. That was the last one."
I'm like, "Well...I didn't say anything about KISSING. Just..."
He laughed, like, "Oh no! You said no nookie. That includes kissing."
I'm like, "You're so unfair! Don't be mean."
He says, "Hey, it's your rule not mine. I'll just have to keep my lips to myself from now on."
But then, with a wicked twinkle in my eye, I said, "Ah well, too bad. Because I was totally gonna let you fuck me." I giggled about it, but Sam's eyes widened a little bit. It was so funny, because his expression changed instantly.
He's like, "Wait...are you kidding or...? Hold on. You were gonna let me....?"
I said, "Too late. Hehehe! Come on, I'm just goofing around. Let's go. We've gotta get out of here."
But he's still like, "Yeah, I'm coming. But...like...if you were serious, you'd tell me, right? Not that I'm saying I'd...do all that, but if you...if we were like...?"
I said, "STOP! Hehehe! Don't think about it. I'm just playing with your head."
I don't think he believed me. Probably because it was a total lie, hehehe! But anyway, like I said, I don't know if it really changed anything. Because I still have feelings for Sam, even if I bury them way down deep where I hope I won't be able to hear them SCREAMING every time Sam bends over to pick up a pencil or takes off his shirt. And Sam, while agreeing to leave things alone for now, is bound to abandon that thinking the very next time he gets horny for me again. I guess these things take time. I just hope that I can hold out for long enough. Because every time we do something naughty with each other, the clock resets and the waiting period starts all over again. Not a good thing.
By the way, Trace is deliberately avoiding me these days. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. It's the stupidest thing ever. I mean...ARRRGHHH!!! What did I do? What's so wrong about holding his hand while he was going through a rough time? Is that going against the bro-code or something? Trace needed someone to be close to him while he was vulnerable. Why is that a bad thing? I tried to talk to him twice today, but he was in such a supposed 'hurry' that I could hardly get a few words in before he was backing away from me and telling me that he had to get to class. I mean...really? Trace was worried about getting to class on time? I don't think so. Somehow, I crossed a line, and he won't even tell me what it was that I did wrong. That sucks, BIG time!
I wonder if Simon spilled my little secret to him during one of his tutoring sessions. Maybe he did something to keep me from being 'reckless'. In which case, I'm totally gonna jump him after school and warn him to keep his mouth shut from now on. Awwww, Trace...PLEASE don't run away from me! I was really hoping to build something special with him. Maybe...I mean, it's a long shot, but MAYBE I can get him to hang out on Friday night. Just do it the way he does to me, right? Tell him he's coming with me and not take no for an answer. Bully him into it. Besides, he owes me like FOUR spontaneous dates at this point. I've just gotta find a surprise that'll make it worth his time. Yeah...a spontaneous date. He'll appreciate that. And if he's still feeling weird about Friday night, hopefully this will show him that it doesn't matter.
Hmmm, I'm glad I thought of that just now. Maybe today wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
For a brief moment this afternoon before the last bell, I saw Stevie in the hallway. He was by himself. I don't know why that terrified me so much...but it did. I didn't get a good look at his face to see if he was expressing any kind of emotion or anything...nor did I really get close enough for him to notice me. But all I could think about was whether Brandon had gone through with what he said and dumped him last night. Maybe that's why I was so scared to look. The kind of heartbreak he would be suffering through if Brandon had told him to scram...it would be unbearable. All conflicts aside, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. After barely surviving it myself...I know how it feels.
Needless to say, I took a detour.
Anyway, I'm gonna go. My mom is still bugging me to talk to my father, which is just...draining. You know? Talk to him about what exactly? I can't just call my dad and say, 'S'up? What's new?' That's just awkward and dumb. I have to have something to say. And sometimes...having something to say to your parents is next to impossible. Because once you turn 12 or 13, you realize that all the coolest parts of your life are things you don't EVER want your parents to know about. Like...ever. Anyway, I'll try. Maybe I'll make note cards or something. Ugh....
Also, I got a weird email from Randall tonight. To be honest, except for him occasionally 'liking' something on my Facebook, I haven't really spoken to Randall in over a month. But you know what his email said? It said:
"Billy, if you have a chance, can you write me or give me a call. I just think we should talk about something."
Now...what is THAT supposed to mean? Seriously. No smiley face or anything. It sounded pretty grim, if you ask me. I hope this isn't about me not writing back to Lee last night. I couldn't THINK of anything! He'd better not be whining about me not talking to him right away. Not after all the times he brushed me off of his shoulders like he couldn't be bothered to pay me any attention.
Anyway, I sent an email asking what was up, but I guess he was offline. Now I'm gonna spend all night wondering what this is all about. Great...another problem in the making. God, just let it be good news. Just this once.
I'll write more later. See ya.
- Billy
Ps- Did I mention that Jimmy LaPlane wasn't in school today? Like...at all. That's weird. After his sexy date with AJ yesterday, I kind of expected him to be dancing in the halls today. I hope he's alright. Jimmy's not really one to ditch school. Not since...his accident, anyway. I'll look for him before school tomorrow. I worry sometimes.
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