Billy Chase 298
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**
Monday
- I kinda got into it with Sam today.
But you want to know what the funny thing is? I don't know whether I feel bad about it or not. I mean, I could either be all upset and angry over the fact that we just CAN'T seem to work things out this time like we usually do...or I could be happy that we're at least talking to each other enough to fight about something. I'll take that over complete silence any day. Maybe it means that things are beginning the painful process of knitting themselves back together like a broken bone. I can always hope, right?
I swear, if I can just get past this one thing...just this ONE thing...I'll do things different from now on. That, I can promise. I just want to get a chance to explain myself.
Anyway...the bad news is that I think he's trying to actually date Stacy right now. How long will it be before the two of them start going out? I've already been through this with Joanna. And I know that Sam won't have any real reason to really 'need' me anymore if he gets himself another girlfriend. Having a best friend would just mean less time to spend with his 'guilt free' sex partner. Sighhhh....whatever. I'll just have to see if I can get in touch with his more forgiving side before Stacey sinks her talons into him deep enough to steal him away from me.
Even if it means that I have to keep fighting and fussing with Sam until we both just give out of anger and end up having nothing else to argue about. Who knows?Maybe a good fight is what we need to say what we need to say so we can get it off of our chests once and for all.
I'd do anything at this point.
He lives just a few houses down the street....and he might as well be on the moon.
I was coming back a bit earlier than normal from lunch today, and I decided to go up the back stairs and just chill out in peace for a while before the bell rang for next period. I was on the first floor, but I heard some sniffling coming from the floor above me. Everything echoes in that little area. It sounded a little like someone crying. I ignored it at first. Whatever it was...whoever it was...itwas simply none of my business. I'm not Mother Theresa. The last thing I need is more problems. I even went so far as to put in my earphones, so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. But despite blocking out the sound itself...I knew that it was happening. And I instantly got frustrated with myself. Why am I so....damn.....??? ARRRGH!!!
My stupid conscience wouldn't leave me alone, so I grabbed my backpack and walked up to the next level to see what was going on. I should have known that my luck was going to be that bad.
I get up there, and Stevie is sitting on the floor, hiding out and eating lunch all by himself. I think he tried to hide his tears from me, but once we made eye contact...they got a bit worse. He pulled his knees up closer to his chest, and held them tight with both arms. Sighhhh...this was REALLY against my better judgement, but what the hell, right?
I don't know what made me do it, but I walked over with my backpack...and I leaned up against the wall, sliding down to sit next to him for a minute. I didn't know what to say, so I just kept my mouth shut. I kinda figured that he was just going to get up and walk away at any moment...but he didn't. In fact, after a minute or so, he went right back to sniffling and crying as though I wasn't even there. And I'm talking real tears here. I could practically feel them in my own heart. I remember pain like that. I know it well.
I didn't know what to say to him. I certainly didn't want to...'touch' him or anything. I was sure that he was just waiting for a reason to reject me and shout hurtful things in my direction again. So I just waited him out. And that's when he sobbed, "The only thing worse than feeling like this...is having to do it in front of you."
You see? You try to 'help' somebody, and you get spit on. I was quiet for a minute, and I said, "I don't know what happened, but whatever it was...it can't be all that bad."
He's like, "How would you know? You don't know anything about me."
I said, "I know. But...I know what it's like...feeling alone. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like that."
The whole time, I kept telling myself to just get up and leave. I did my good deed for the day, and that should be enough. I didn't want to get involved. Not where Stevie is concerned. But before I found a comfortable opening for my speedy escape, Stevie closed his eyes tightly....river of tears pouring out of them in buckets...and he says, "I just want them to leave me alone. I just don't understand why they can't leave me alone."
I said, "The boys who were...giving you a hard time?" He nodded. So I told him, "You didn't, like...tell them, did you? I mean..."
But Stevie just said, "Of course not. But I don't really have to. They can just look at me and tell that I'm....different. That's the only excuse that they need."
I have to admit that I felt bad for him as he blew his nose on a tissue and tried to wipe away as many tears as he could before new ones came to take their place. I gave him a moment to collect himself, and I asked him, "Well....I mean....have you ever thought about maybe being....less different?"
Stevie's like, "What? You mean like you? Walking around the halls all day, lying with every smile...being Mr. Popular while stuck in the comfy little confines of your closet? No, thank you."
A little agitated, I said, "You know, if you've think you've got all the answers to your problems, just let me know and I'll go. But despite what you think of me, I'm not the one balled up in a dirty little corner, crying his eyes out. So, do you want to talk? Or do you want to insult me some more. I'm only going to stick around for one of them."
For the first time...Stevie actually let his guard down. I think it was more from exhaustion than anything else. He sighed to himself, and he said..."Does life ever really get to a point where it's 'fair'?"
Sitting there on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, I said, "I wouldn't know."
There was an extra long silence between us. And then Stevie rolled his eyes slightly, and said, "You were all he talked about, you know?" It was a strange comment. I gave him a confused look, and he was like, "Brandon. I didn't recognize it when we first started dating, but once I saw it for what it was...I couldn't get him to get rid of it. God knows I tried...."
Feeling a pinch of guilt, I told him, "You know...I really didn't do or say anything to drive a wedge between you two. I swear to God, I didn't."
He sniffled a bit more, and he said, "I know. I didn't want to admit it...but Brandon never stopped loving you. Even when he showed me some level of love and affection...I think it was more to forget about you than to it was to actually embrace me. I suppose it was only a matter of time before we broke up."
I think I lost focus for a few moments. My walls were coming down. The gates protecting the most sensitive parts of me were strong...but Brandon was the one boy who always had the key to every last one of them. I just didn't know if I was ready to go through that again. I don't think I could survive another heartbreak like that. If things went sour between us again...my soul simply wouldn't have anything left to live for. For all I know, this could be another one of Stevie's tricks. Or...or maybe he just had it wrong. Or maybe Brandon just used me as an excuse to break up. Who knows? I just...I think that was too much for me. I wanted to get away from him. I was thankful to hear the bell ringing for next period.
Stevie started frantically wiping his eyes with tissues and trying to clean himself up. He had a few black marks around his eyes, and I giggled a little bit. He was like, "What? What's so funny?"
I said, "I didn't think I'd ever say this to another boy, but...I think you'd better fix your make-up before your next class."
It was weird to see a teary smile suddenly appear on his face. And there it was again. That weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. That really gentle vibration that spread all over whenever I actually made somebody else feel good. I think I had to feel it again to realize how long it has been since I've actually experienced it all. There are a lot of times that I wished I could live without it. A lot of times when I might have been used and stepped and made to feel like I 'owe' the world some kind of favor when I don't. And it sucked. GOD, it sucked.
But....that feeling. The idea that such a simple act of kindness at just the right time can mean sooooo much to someone else...there's nothing like it in the world. Even when it's painted up, lying, WEASEL like Stevie!
Hehehe, ok, so maybe that was a low blow. But I didn't want to start going soft on him.
Stevie looked at me with a smile before leaving. And he jokingly said, "I hate you soooo much, Billy Chase. Hehehe...."
I'm like, "I hate you too." I think this was the first time we actually got along. Not that I plan to make a habit out of it. But for once, it was refreshing.
I offered to walk with him to class. Just in case he was worried about his safety. He didn't seem to need it.
Don't get me wrong, I still fully plan to push him out in front of a bus someday. But for now, I'll consider this a temporary truce between us. ONLY for now.
Maybe he used me to feel better. Maybe I used him to feel better. Who cares? People who only think about themselves all the time end up with just that.....themselves. Alone. With nobody else. Maybe I'm just a different kind of person. I like who I am. I guess some people will never understand. But who says they have to?
I'm gonna go. I think I'm actually going to concentrate on my homework tonight. Put in some real effort.
That is....
...If I can get Brandon off of my mind.
I'll write more later.
- (A Very Confused) Billy
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