Billy Chase 328
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Wednesday
- You know what? There's something really sweet about the way Bobby and Ian are sort of playing this cute little game of cat and mouse as they try to carefully plot out a way to be together. It's adorable! Like watching two puppies goofing around a blanket.
Something about talking to Ian today made me feel....hmmmm....
The only word that I can think of to really describe the sensation is 'homesick', you know? Does that make sense?
I guess I just miss feeling that passionately for another boy. It goes deeper than just wanting a boyfriend. It was like...'No, I want him, specifically.' It was definite. It was comforting to know that there really was someone out there who seemed like he was made just for me. And even though I only held on to him for a short while...it was a level of indescribable joy that I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Anyway, before I start getting all mushy and stuff over that, let me try to stay focused for once.
I saved Ian some of his sneaky procrastination tactics by greeting him as soon as our eyes connected. We were between classes, so we had, like, five minutes tops. He was looking all shaky and nervous again, but he managed to work his voice up to an audible level. I asked him what was going on, and he said, "Listen...did Bobby...? Um...did Bobby say anything to you. Like...since this weekend?"
I said, "Anything like what?"
He's like, "I don't know. It seems like he's been dodging me lately. I think I did something wrong. I guess I was just wondering if you heard something..."
Ian kept looking around, not that anybody was really listening. But he was a bit more paranoid than usual. I tried to put is worries to rest by telling him, "He didn't say anything to me. But I'm sure he likes you just as much as ever. I think you guys should definitely do the movie thing again this weekend. Have some more fun."
Ian was like, "Do I seem like I'm being pushy? Because I can back off if he'd rather..."
No way! I stopped him right there! I was like, "Don't you DARE back off! Hehehe, trust me on this. You'll find him in a dark little corner with nowhere to run eventually."
A pained expression crossed his face, and Ian said, "I'm trying to find the best way to do this. But Bobby just...he never gives me enough time to tell him..."
I asked, "Tell him what?" Knowing full well what the answer would be.
The whole time I was thinking, 'Come on, Ian. You can do it, dude!'
He paused for a moment, then he was like, "Ever since last week...well, that Stephen Mitchell boy got on stage and stuff..." He was searching for words, cute nose wiggling slightly. And he was like, "...It got me to thinking about things. Things that I try not to think about...but kind of think about anyway." He glanced up at me briefly, and added, "Like...mostly when Bobby is around."
He checked my reaction to see if we were on the page here. I said, "So you um...you really like him. I mean, I remember you telling me that before. So...what now?"
Ian fidgeted for a moment, looked around the hallway again, and then he's like, "Billy...I don't know how to...Jesus, this is hard." After a few more uncomfortable moments of him trying to force out a confession. It was awkward for him, but I could see the passion in his eyes. I recognized it right away. It brought me right back to the day I came home after school to find Brandon sitting on my front step. I swear..it's like I can still see those gentle locks of his being swept up in a soft wind. I can remember his scent. I can remember what he was wearing. And that particular look in his eye. The same one Ian was giving me at that very moment.
'I do too'....
The clock was ticking and the hallway was getting empty as our passing period was quickly coming to an end. So feeling pressured and trying to take a bold leap of faith, Ian suddenly swung his backpack around and snatched out a folder and a pen.
He made a few quick scribbles on the first page he opened to. Then, he looked at it carefully. Almost as if he couldn't believe that he had actually written the words down for the first time in his life. He held the notebook close to his chest, closed his eyes, and tilted his head back with a deep sigh....
Then he turned it around for me to see. And sure enough, there it was.
"I think I'm gay."
And it was followed with the saddest little hand drawn frowny face that I've ever seen committed to paper. Awwww...honestly, my heart broke for him when he showed me that.
I wanted to tell him that it was ok. I wanted to tell him that I was too, and so was the boy of his dreams. But it turns out that I didn't get the chance. The period bell rang, and the last few stragglers came running our way. In a panic, Ian violently ripped the page out of his notebook, tore it into shreds, and grabbed his backpack like, "I'm sorry, Billy. I've gotta go. Forget I said anything...."
I was like, "Ian! Dude, wait up..."
But he vanished around the corner, shouting back, "Just forget about it...ok?"
I certainly wasn't about to chase him down the hall screaming, 'It's ok to be gay!!!' But I wish I had just a little bit more time to let him know that it was ok that he told me. He didn't give me a chance. I guess this is what he's been going though with Bobby Jinette lately. That sucks.
I can hardly say that I'm an expert in these matters. I mean, I've been lucky enough to stumble out of the closet by accident a number of times, but except for Sam, I've never really had to face the harsh duty of having to tell someone face to face that I'm not the typical definition of 'normal'. And even with Sam, I had Joanna sorta nudging him in the right direction. But I sorta figured that I could actually move things forward with those two if I could at least get Ian to stop being so horrified by the idea of being gay. I mean, if he just came right out and told Bobby how he felt...Bobby might go into a short burst of hysterics for a moment or two, but after that? Bobby would melt right there at his feet. He just needed to hear Ian say it out loud.
Or...you know...that's what I'm guessing, anyway.
Still...I'm kinda jealous that Ian had the stones to do that today. I hate to admit it, but Stevie's little speech has made some rather noticeable changes around here. Imagine if all the gay boys and girls in school were brave enough to stand up there with him. I'm willing to bet we could move mountains if we could put something like that together.
If only I wasn't...you know...chicken...
Speaking of me being a chicken...
I did see Stevie just before last period today. He seems so much happier these days. I found myself envying him too. Just think about it...he's free. People know. He's not skipping down the hallways in a pink ballerina outfit or anything, but it's like...now that everybody knows, the other kids don't seem to find him worth whispering anymore. Sure, there are one or two assholes out there who just can't seem to let their ignorant bullshit go...but that number is much much smaller than I expected it to be. Small enough for Stevie to handle.
Stevie was blushing when he said to me, "Dude...you're not going to believe this, but this really big moose of a guy was talking to me while I was waiting in line at the AV lab...and I think he was subtly trying to ask me out. I was...um....scared. Hehehe!"
I grinned, like, "What are you scared for? Sounds like a date to me."
He said, "Nooooo! Not happening! That guy's biceps were bigger than my thighs. I can't go out with a big bruiser like that. I'm a scrawny little emo boy, Billy, he'll break me in half!"
It caused us both to laugh out loud for a moment, but Stevie's eye wandered for a moment, and I looked over my shoulder to see Brandon heading our way.
Stevie's like, "Well, look who it is."
And...I don't know what happened, but my mind instantly started to think of excuses to run off before he got there. I KNOW that I made my personal little pact with myself to move closer to Brandon the closer Bobby and Ian move towards one another, but today hardly seems like a fair ruling. It's only been ONE day, for crying out loud! And besides...Bobby and Ian haven't technically gotten any closer since I made the mental note of it. So there!
I didn't want to appear rude or anything, so I waited until Brandon came over to join us. I was like, "Hey, Brandon..." I still get nervous when speaking his name aloud. My hands still get clammy, my heart starts pounding, and my tongue feels like it swells to three times its normal size. Out of all the cute boys surrounding me in this place, my Brandon is still the only one who can create this level of complete and utter chaos in me.
Brandon returned the greeting, but he was obviously there to talk to Stevie. And NOT to me.
I'm not going to write in this book and say that I didn't care. It will end up being one of the biggest lies that I've ever told. Because it hurt. It did. Brandon wasn't being cruel about it or anything. Not in the least. It's just...after sharing such quiet and intimate moments together...the fact that he would approach me with a short 'hello' and a polite smile...he might as well have loaded me into a giant catapult and flung me into the next county. At the time it felt like..."Wow, he really doesn't want to have anything else to do with me, does he?" It was like I could feel this giant canyon growing between us, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
Even though Stevie made eye contact with me a few times and tried to include me in the conversation, Brandon made me feel like I wasn't welcome. Even his body language was screaming, 'please don't talk to me right now'. I guess I deserved that...
It's not like I did much to redeem myself in his eyes. Nothing other than stick around. Harboring a crush that I would probably do better to let go of. For all I know...Brandon may hate me the rest of his life.
Maybe I should start searching for second best...
Anyway, after being a wobbly third wheel for a few minutes of their talking, I told Stevie, "You know what? I think I'm gonna take off. I should go."
Stevie tried to hold me there for a few minutes more, but I really didn't want to be there any longer. Every second that Brandon spent with the back of his shoulder practically positioned in front of my face was one of pure, unadulterated, agony. How am I supposed to make any progress at all with him if he keeps pushing me soooooo far away from his heart?
What can I say? He's just not interested anymore.
I'm not giving up. Don't take the above statements to mean that I'm just going to shrug my shoulders and give up on Brandon. But...at some point, I'm going to have to get to the bottom of what's going on here. I mean, I did an awful thing. I cheated on my boyfriend and I lied about it. I get it. I will take whatever punishment he's willing to dish out over that, because I was an asshole. But...that was forever ago. And this 'feels' different. There's something about the fact that Brandon can't even look me in the eye for too long when we're together that makes me think that something else is going on. Something that I don't have access to.
Sighhhh....I SO don't have the energy to solve another mystery right now. My studies are taking enough out of me as it is.
So yeah, I find myself stuck again. I'd be able to put together a game plan if only I new what the heck caused this mess in the first place. But, for some odd reason, Stevie winked at me as I was leaving. He made sure that Brandon didn't see it, so it was definitely meant for me. But I have NO idea what that's a signal for. You know, like...whatever. Stevie can be a weird one sometimes.
I only hope that Bobby and Ian find an easier path towards being happy together. Because if you're off by a centimeter, chances are you'll never get back on track again. No matter how hard you try.
Alright, I'm going to go. I've been trying to get back into the habit of cleaning up a little bit more for my mom again. I sorta fell off the wagon for a while, but only because I got lazy. She didn't complain, but that's hardly the point. If my dad was here, he'd have me working on a schedule like he does with Trace. I might as well make a decent effort on my own, you know?
I wonder what Jamie Cross looks like in the shower....
Sorry, that just entered my mind for no reason whatsoever.
I've got to get that boy's address so I can stalk him outside his bedroom window and catch him getting totally NEKKID for me! Hehehe! I wonder if I can get Joanna to video tape them having sex?
Sorry, this entry is going WAY off base now! More later!
Seeya!
- Billy
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