Billy Chase 337
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Friday
- I had a bit of a topsy turvy day today. I don't know if I can categorize it as a good day or a bad day, honestly. Just a day, I suppose.
I think the thing that threw me off the most was Stevie's reaction to me trying to do something to help him out with his bully problem. I mean...just last month he was unconscious in a hospital bed, and all because a few stupid boys couldn't just accept him for who he was, and decided to punish him for being different. I would think that, if nothing else, he would be thirsty for some sort of revenge at the very least, you know? I would think that he would want to push and push and FORCE them to pay for all of the torture and anguish that they put him through even before the accident. But since a few of the boys that hurt him came back to school today...he seemed to be even more nervous and helpless than ever. I just didn't understand.
I saw Stevie early in the day, and I was super excited about telling him that Jimmy and I were thinking of gathering student support for him and getting that petition together to give him some protection against the bullies that were trying to hurt him. I really thought that he would be thankful and excited about the whole thing. But the first words out of his mouth were, "Awww, Billy...no. DON'T do that. Ok? Don't. Please, just...just don't get involved with this."
I'm like, "But...I mean, I thought you were worried about...?"
He says, "I am worried about it. And the last thing I need is your 'help' right now. Ok? Thanks, but...no thanks."
I'm like, "What are you saying? Stevie, what if they hurt you again? What if it's even worse than last time?"
He's like, "And what if they just want to come back to school and leave it alone? Did you ever stop to think of that? There's a chance that they'll just walk away from this whole situation without anything more than a few dirty looks. If you start some weird petition and stir them up by making them look bad, they'll come after me for sure. They'll figure I put you up to it."
I'm like, "Stevie...dude, you can't be serious. Please tell me you're joking. You can't take a chance on them just 'letting it go'...."
He's like, "Well, I am. So leave it alone. You can't help me, Billy. You can only make things worse." He started to back away from me as I stood there feeling totally confused about all this. Then he says, "It's my life, my problem. Ok? Just stay out of it." Before spinning around and going to his next class. It was the oddest 180 degree turn that I have ever seen in him. Or in much of anybody for that matter. It made me wonder if somebody had threatened him again or something. Because that just seems screwy to me.
Should I just...drop the whole petition idea? Would that be right? Wouldn't that be like standing by and letting him get beat up? I know guys like the ones who hurt him...and they're not going to give up. They're definitely going to even up the score, and this time, they're going to be more cautious about it. The first time might have been an 'accident'...the second time won't be.
I don't know. Sam says I should just leave people alone. I mean, Bobby and Ian worked it out on their own, right? So...Stevie will be ok. I just have to keep thinking that he'll be ok.
Speaking of Bobby and Ian...
They seem to be a match made in Heaven. And I don't think they've done much more than giggle and hold hands this whole time. It's like...I could probably have hours and hours of passionate and insatiable sex with Robin at his house, and orgasm again and again until my eyes roll back in my head....and I don't think I could be even half as happy as those two are. they look into each other's eyes, and there's this 'calm' that washes over them simultaneously. Something that just...looks so satisfying. So fulfilling. It must be nice to have someone look at you and just love you so completely. Without question. Something about it warms the heart.
But even knowing how awesome they were doing since they decided to date each other...I have to admit that Ian kinda shocked me today when I saw him at his locker.
He says, "I've been thinking about it, and...Bobby and I talked about it a little bit too..."
I'm like, "Talked about what?"
Ian smiles at me in the cutest way, and he says, "...About maybe just..you know...being a couple."
I said, "But you're already a couple."
He's like, "I know. But, I mean..like...here at school. Like, you know...in the open?"
He laughed at my reaction, which must have been a jaw dropping, wide eyed, look of utter shock. I was like, "Wait a minute....dude! Really?"
Ian giggled and said, "Well, yeah. I mean...why not? Right?"
I said, "You're gonna totally pull a 'Stevie' aren't you???"
Ian made me proud when he replied with, "Hehehe, nope. No big announcements. No assembly, no fliers, no articles in the school newspaper. I don't think Bobby and I need to say anything at all really. We'll just...you know...be together. If I want to hold his hand, I will. If I want to give him a hug, I will. And if a teacher has to come by and break us up while making out at his locker during the day...then so be it. It shouldn't be that much of a big deal. It's natural, right?" I could only smile. I mean it. I really WAS proud of him. That takes guts, you know? Ian was like, "I just think it would be nice to not have to whisper so softly when I say, 'I love you'. No more looking over my shoulder to see who's watching us. Why does everybody's record have to skip every time two boys fall in love? They should just get used to it. Maybe one day it won't be so strange anymore."
I was like, "Well, I'll be damned. I can't disagree with that. Not at all."
He says, "I knew you'd be cool with it, Billy. You're always cool with stuff like this."
He had no idea.
I said, "So how does Bobby feel about this?"
Ian was like, "He's a little nervous, obviously. But kinda wants the same thing that I do. To just be able to let go of the weirdness and suck face like the rest of the jocks and cheerleaders in this place. Hehehe! But I don't want to push him though. Maybe after the Summer or something. We can just come back as boyfriends, and let the rest of the world whisper all it wants. As long as I have Bobby...nothing else matters." Ian blushed, and I had to lean up against the locker just to keep my weakened knees from dropping me to the floor. Hehehe! It was the cutest thing EVER!
I just wished him the best, and Bobby showed up a few seconds later. Grinning from ear to ear and practically skipping through the halls. They stand so close when they're together. Another few inches, and they'd be practically cheek to cheek.
And then that look. That longing look. the love was so overwhelming that it became contagious. There really was something beautiful about it. It's like they were meant to be. It's one of those instances that makes you believe that the universe has a 'plan' after all.
It left a touch of sadness in my heart. Or was it envy again? It's hard to tell the difference sometimes. But it almost made me wish that Sam and I could have been together. My best friend and a hot boyfriend rolled into one? That would have been perfect.
I'm just not that lucky.
I had lunch with Jimmy LaPlane again today. Partially because I just enjoy his company. But there was another part of me that was trying to avoid seeing Sam and Michelle today. I'm going to get around to really meeting her and getting to know her better. I mean, she's dating my best friend...and there's no way in HELL that I'm letting him go. So we'll all just have to co-exist eventually. I just didn't feel like playing the third wheel today. That's all.
I don't know what it is, but Jimmy has suddenly become the most comfortable person in the world to talk to. At least, that's what I was thinking at the time we were eating on the lawn. But when I think back even further...I think he was always easy to talk to. I just...didn't. Not much, anyway. I wonder why that was. Because there's a sweetness about him that I don't see often in a majority of people. It's crazy how you can just totally ignore the light in another human being sometimes. The greatest treasures go unnoticed, I guess. I think I suck for that.
I told Jimmy what Stevie said about us trying to help him, and I was expecting him to be just as miffed about it as I was.
But he wasn't.
He said, "Well...if he want us to stay out of it, then we'll just stay out of it. What can we do?"
I'm like, "So I should just sit there and let him get pounded on? That's bullshit."
Jimmy said, "It's the downside to giving a damn. Hehehe! What can I say?" Then he added, "He'll be alright."
Arrgh! I'm like, "Yeah. He'll be ok. I'll just keep saying that to myself until he ends up dead in an alley somewhere." Jimmy raised an eyebrow as he saw the frustration on my face, and I said, "Sorry. I just...I get crazy sometimes."
Jimmy was like, "It's never easy to be different. Not for anybody. But people have to navigate on their own. Sometimes...it's a strategy that you have to make for yourself. Being gay is...it's personal. You know? Nobody really ever knows you like 'you' know you. So the decision has to be yours in the end."
It made me think more about Bobby and Ian, and I said, "I talked to a friend of mine today. And he was kinda thinking about coming out too. Not making any big deal out of actually telling people or anything...just sort of....being himself and letting people figure it out." Jimmy smiled, and I said, "You know....sometimes I wonder...I mean, I think about what it would be like if it was that easy.You know?"
Jimmy was like, "What makes you think that it isn't?"
I giggled. I'm like, "It isn't. And you know that. I can't help but think about how many people would totally hate me if they knew I liked boys."
He's like, "People can hate you for liking a different sports team. They can hate you for liking a different TV show. They can hate you for wearing white after Labor Day.People are weird that way. I don't see how being gay is any different. Everybody is a drama queen about something."
I sighed out loud, but with a smile. I didn't know if he was oversimplifying the whole idea, or if I was over complicating it. But it was frustrating either way.
I said, "I dunno. Maybe one day. The more I think about it, the easier it seems. not easy, but....you know...less apocalyptic. What he said to me just made a lot of sense. I'm never ashamed of it until other people get involved. I think that's the part that worries me most. Maybe it's the last hurdle that I have to jump in all this chaos."
Jimmy was staring at me dreamily when he said, "Well, if it's something that you really want...go for it. You already know what you have to do. Deep down, you know. All you have to do is force yourself to take that first step...and don't stop until you're happy. Once you do it...the pain will stop. But you're the one who's got to make the move in the right direction."
There was a moment where his words weighed heavy on my heart. And...I can't explain it but...this surge of energy began to build up in my chest, and I smiled as a moment of courage took hold of me. Because...what if Jimmy was right? What if the only thing holding me back from being happy is....me?
I don't know where the bravery came from, but I smiled at Jimmy and he leaned back as though I was going to lean over and take a bite out of his arm. Hehehe! I said, "You know what? I got invited to this party tomorrow night."
He was like, "That's not surprising. You probably get invited to stuff like that all the time."
I said, "And you don't?"
He's like, "Hehehe, c'mon, Billy. You know that I don't."
My smile widened for a moment, and I asked him, "Why don't you come with me? Consider this an official invitation. So you can never say never again."
I think Jimmy thought I was kidding at first. He gave me a sideways look. He said, "What are you talking about? What party?"
I said, "Not just a party...but a party with Juniors and Seniors. And not just with me....but Jamie Cross."
Jimmy gave me a shove that seemed pretty strong for his little arms to manage. He's like, "Get the fuck out of here!!!! Jamie??? How the hell did you work out THAT/i> invite?"
I said, "Hey! Jamie Cross happens to be a very good friend of mine. Or have you forgotten that?" Jimmy looked like he was in total disbelief, but I giggled and said, "Come on! What have you got to lose? Go with me. It'll be fun. Besides, I won't know most of the people there. It would be cool to have somebody to talk to if we get outcasted from the rest of the party. What do you say?"
Jimmy giggled to himself for a moment, still checking my eyes to see if he could find any hint of a prank in my stare. He didn't. I can't really count this as an attempt to 'come out' to anybody...but Jamie did tell me to bring a date. what's he going to say when I show up with Jimmy LaPlane? I wonder. He already did that report on gay teenagers with him, so Jamie knows that Jimmy is gay. Everybody does. So...maybe it'll be just like Ian said. Maybe...people will see us and just figure it out. Who knows?
It's a step forward, right?
Jimmy was blushing soooo hard that I had to actually laugh at it. If his face turned any deeper shade of red...that poor boy was going to pass out right there in the grass!
He's like, "You're really being, like...serious, aren't you?"
I said, "Yeah. Totally."
He's like, "Ummm....ok, I guess."
I said, "Really? You'll go with me?"
H's like, "Hehehe, Billy...you say that like I could ever say no to you about anything." Then he's like, "Yeah. I'll go. Sure."
So Jimmy and I made a plan. I don't know what people are going to think, but I don't think I really care this time around. Just a little baby step...sometimes that's all it takes. I can't believe that I'm taking another boy to my first 'sorta' grown-up party!
It should scare the living shit out of me. But...hehehe, I don't know...I'm kind of excited about it! Imagine the looks on their faces.
It's not like I'm planning to cuddle up and kiss Jimmy LaPlane all night! But...just bringing him should raise a few eyebrows. Ever since Stevie's big show on the school stage...I've been curious as to how it would feel to live in the open like this. Maybe now I'll get a taste.
Anyway, I've got to run. I've got some more notes to go over, as two of my teachers gave us extra worksheets to study for finals. So I'll write more later.
Hehehe, maybe it was a good day after all. Days come and go...but there are a few that really stick with you. I wonder if I'll look back at this weekend someday and think to myself.....
'That was the beginning of a great adventure...'
Seeya later!
- Billy
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