Billy Chase 385
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Thursday
- This seems like the longest week of my life. Nothing that I do will make the time go by faster. It's seriously driving me CRAZY right now! It has been all day.
When Brandon told me that he thought we should talk...I didn't think that meant not saying a single word to each other until this weekend. I mean...where is he? What is he doing to me? What is he thinking about? Ugh! Why won't he just TELL me???
Ok, maybe it's bad news. Maybe he doesn't want to tell me over the phone. But I'd get on my bike or jump on a bus or something to go talk to him face to face about things if he really wanted me to. No matter what time it was. No matter how late. No matter what the weather was like. If he'd just open up and tell me what all this was about, I'd move Heaven and Earth to BE there! I just feel like...he's avoiding me on purpose. And that means bad news.
It always means bad news.
I fought the urge to bother him about it, but I feel like I'm falling apart right now, and I just...screw this! I'm sending him a message. I'm putting this book down and doing it right now. The LEAST he could do is pick a time and place for us to talk! God, why did my work schedule have to be four days in a row this week?
Ok...so I sent a message, and I waited a few minutes. Maybe he doesn't have his phone on him. Or his battery could be dead or something. Whatever, the point is, he didn't answer. I'll keep my phone next to me, but...something tells me that...he's just going to keep me waiting.
Which is so unfair. Because I can't even get mad enough to pretend that I don't care. I do care. Whatever it is he has to tell me could be the most exhilarating...or the most devastating...thing in the world. And I don't have a single clue as to which one it is.
Maybe he has a new boyfriend. Could that be it? I mean...it's Brandon. Pretty pretty Brandon. And it's Summertime. I'm sure other boys have noticed him by now. What if my big confession came too late? Or....or like, what if he's decided to get back together with Stevie or something? Or...or what if he's not gay at all, and the whole thing was just one big teenage phase and he's straight now? Hell...Brandon could tell me that he's leaving Earth to go live on the Planet of the APES and it would be less emotionally damaging than hearing him say that he just didn't love me anymore.
I don't know. It's been ten minutes now. If he was going to answer me, he would have done it by now. I basically just asked if he was still up to get together to talk this week. I even added a little 'smiley face' to make the message seem a bit more...festive, I guess? Somehow, I don't think my emoticon use comes off quite as cute and cuddly as Lee's does. I'm going to have to ask him how he does that someday.
11 Minutes...
12 Minutes...whatever. Forget it. It's not like hearing the bad news today or hearing it the day after tomorrow is going to make much of a difference anyway. I should probably be thankful that I've got another thirty six hours or so to speculate on things before he delivers the crushing blow, once and for all.
Enough of that. My heart is starting to hurt over this all over again. Best to not think about it for now.
So...I'm pretty sure that Robin could tell that I was going out of my way to avoid him at work today. I wasn't trying to be too obvious about it, but...after seeing AJ in the mall yesterday with that 'Rodney' guy...it just made me feel dirty inside. By not saying anything, I felt like an accomplice in the whole disgusting crime of it all.
But, I mean...AJ had one thing right. He was like, 'Who's hurting Robin? Me or you?' And the truth is...it would be me. I see him sinking deeper and deeper into AJ's little heartless game, but...I don't think I could handle seeing the heartbreak in his eyes if I told him that AJ was here with somebody else. Robin was so sad before trying to make a loyal boyfriend out of him. Now he's happy. He smiles, he giggles, he brags about how amazing AJ is and his whole face lights up whenever he talks about him. So...for now, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? I mean...well, who knows what I mean. I just don't want to be the one to tell him that he might be making a big mistake here. That's all.
Robin only talked to me a few times, and I think my standoffish attitude kinda made him keep his distance from me. Again, it wasn't intentional. I just...I didn't know what to say to him. Especially when I sa another one of AJ's happy little texts pop up on Robin's phone, causing him to wiggle and whimper all over the place. AJ was right about that too. Just a few words and a virtual kiss was all it took to change Robin's whole demeanor. Right in front of my eyes.
What can I do but be happy for him? Some people go their whole lives never feeling that special. That loved. That wanted by somebody else. Not even an imitation of it. Not even for a little while. I'm not gonna be the asshole who tells the little boy there's no Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Let him believe. For as long as he can. Why ruin it for him now?
Dizzy had the day off today, but he actually came into work anyway. Hehehe, he bought these little rubber bracelets for everybody, and actually had a bag of mini donuts with him! When I asked him what all of that was for, Dizzy hugged me around the neck and said, "It's for being the right person, in the right place, at the right time, yesterday. That's what." And he put the bracelet on my wrist, slinging an arm over my shoulder. He was like, "What good is a paycheck if I can't occasionally do something for my family. Right?"
Ollie was like, "If you wanna do something for me, buy me a new iphone!"
Dizzy even got one for our manager, Scott. It was just a sweet little gesture to say thanks, I suppose. After yesterday, it was good to see Dizzy in such good spirits. I thought about asking him if everything had been settled at home, but who was I kidding? Problems like that don't get settled overnight. And much like what I did with Robin, I felt it best to just take my 'Dizzy-Gift', wear it proudly, and let him squeeze some joy out of a sunny Summer day without having to think about...you know...that garbage.
Garrett worked today. Hehehe, you know, I'm not exactly sure what I did to get him so interested in talking to me when he's so shy that he hardly talks to anybody else...but it was adorable. Because he's still like...I dunno...expecting me to 'turn' on him or something. He gets so nervous about saying even the simplest of 'hellos'. I don't really understand it.
Scott saw that the store was having a bit of a lull in business, so he sent Garrett and me on lunch at the same time. Garrett was standing not far from me, taking little peeks and all, occasionally trying to smile a bit...obviously trying to get my attention. I mean, he could have just said 'let's go eat lunch together', but something tells me he never would have gotten that far. So I took the first step. I was like, "Hey, you wanna go grab something from the Taco Barn or something?"
The biggest smile imaginable broke out on his face, and he was like, "Ok. Um...yes."
I could almost feel the pressure building in his chest from the 'threat' of being social with another human being for the next half hour. Hehehe! But, like I said, it was utterly adorable. Hehehe, Garrett's a real sweetheart, but for some reason he seems to want to keep that a well hidden secret from the rest of the world.
I think the most awesome part is when I see him actually trying to overcome his bashfulness and engage me in an actual conversation. He apologizes from time to time, like, "Sorry. I'm usually not this befuddled. I just...I'm soused to being the quiet guy in the background."
I think Garrett puts too much emphasis on what he says. He doesn't need to giveme a Winston Churchill speech just to talk over a couple of tacos for lunch. I like Garrett. I'd be happy to hear him talk about anything. I told him, "No need to apologize. I'm glad you came out to keep me company."
He said, "I don't know, I just...I try to talk to people and stuff, but the moment I get their attention, it's like...this anxiety builds up. I can feel them looking me right in the eye, and it's like my every word comes out awkward and wrong. Then I worry if they understand me or not. Then I feel like they're bored with me, or think I'm an idiot, and they just want to get away from me. So I just...don't talk all that much."
I said, "Well, what gave you the impression that we wouldn't want to talk to you?"
He shrugged his shoulders, and he's like, "I don't know. It's just a feeling I get, I guess." Then he says, "I don't think Taylor likes me much."
I giggled, and told him, "Dude, Taylor's got a lot of love in his heart, I'm sure. But he doesn't like anything. I actually think he uses conflict and nasty comments as a sign of affection. So you might as well get used to that." Then I asked, "You didn't think that way about me, did you?"
I think Garrett wanted to change the subject, but eventually said, "It's not personal. I think that about everybody sometimes." I'll take that as a yes.
I asked, "Why? I mean, if I ever said anything that sounded mean to you or something..."
He sighed, like, "No! No, you didn't. It's not anything you did, Billy. If anything, you always greet me with a smile whenever I talk to you. You've been nothing but nice to me. I just...I worry. Maybe it's all in my head."
I was like, "Well, get it out of your head, then. Hehehe, because unless I actually tell you to get lost...it's safe to assume that I want you around. K?"
That made Garrett grin from ear to ear. Awww, it was so cute to see! Then he's like, "Ok! Deal!" And he held out his hand to shake on it. Hehehe, ok, well I didn't expect the handshake, but I chuckled and shook it anyway. He blushed for the rest of our lunch break, but I think he seemed a lot more relaxed. A LITTLE more confident, but a LOT more relaxed. Hey, that's a start, right?
I was like, "No worries, dude. You're working with us now. We're a family. We love ya no matter what your malfunction is. That's the best part of being loved, right?"
He said, "Agreed." And that was that. Of course, like everything else, that won't solve anything overnight. But...you know...baby steps and all.
I'm surprised how easy it was to refer to everybody at work as 'us'. Is that weird? It doesn't feel weird. I never referred to my friends at school like that. I don't even think I even referred to my real, blood related, family like that. I guess family and a sense of belonging is where you find it. And with this new job, I've realized that it's ok to be gay, or trangendered, or in a band, or socially awkward...none of that stuff matters. As long as we're all there to look out for one another. There's something really comforting about that.
27 Minutes. Ugh...why am I still checking for Brandon to talk to me? I need to stop. I'm obsessing again. I'm just gonna put my phone down and not look at it again until tomorrow. I'm going to secure myself a corner in a padded room if I keep letting his absence get to me like this.
Anyway, before I go...
I got a call from Trace tonight. Hehehe, I thought he had been quiet for a while, and I guess he must have felt a disturbance in the force or something, because me not more than an hour later. He's like, "Billy!Dude, you're not gonna believe this, but after a month of hardcore lockdown, it looks like Simon's parents might actually be easing up on their punishment! They're even letting the little slacker out of the house for a bit of unsupervised Summer fun this weekend! And you know what THAT means!"
I said, "NO! C'mon, Trace! Dude, don't get Simon in trouble again on his first day of freedom. That's not cool."
Trace was like, "Who said anything about 'trouble'?"
I'm like, "Because it's YOU! And that always means trouble."
He made me laugh with a mock gasp of horror. He's like, "How dare you! Hehehe, I'm going to pretend those foul words never crossed your lips, good sir." Then he's like, "C'mon! Come with us. We're going out. C'mon! Do it! Do it, do it, do it! I need you there with me to help me keep Simon in check anyway."
I said, "I don't want to get in trouble either."
He's like, "AGAIN with the 'trouble'! No trouble. Just fun. Giggles and good times. Promise. K?"
I said, "Fine. Tell me where we're going then."
Trace just laughed at me. "Really, Billy? You've known me this long and we're still at this stage? You never learn."
I told Trace that I'd THINK about it. That wasn't a yes, and it wasn't a no. I just...I'd think about it. I think that was good enough for him. But only because he knew that he'd be able to 'peer pressure' his way into getting me to do just about anything once he really turned up the heat on me.
Honestly, I'll be talking to Brandon that day. And I don't know what I'm going to hear. I have no idea what he's going to tell me, or how I'm going to take it. So...I may be in no mood to 'party' with Trace and Simon once we've had our talk. Itmight be good news, and I'll be super charged to go out. Or it might be a heartache that even Trace's spontaneous antics can repair. Then again...it might be something really painful, and I'll need Trace's smile to cheer me up. Either way...I won't know until the last minute. For now, he'll have to live with a 'maybe'.
Ok, enough is enough. I'm gonna turn in.
You wanna know what's weird? I actually asked Trace if I could talk to my dad for a few minutes tonight. And he said that he went out to put gas in the car and run a few errands, so he wasn't around. Normally that wouldn't have been such a big deal...but tonight it kinda hurt a little bit. Naturally, I could have just called back and talked to him later...but I didn't. I don't know why, I just...I feel like everything has gone weird between us now. And it's almost like I'm afraid to get attached to him again.
I've got nine days left, you know? Nine.
How did things go from months to weeks to nine days so soon?
I'll talk to him tomorrow. I will. I should at least say that I spent the last week of my dad's close proximity trying to make up for the time we lost. All bullshit aside, I love my father. And I miss him. God...I miss him.
Gotta run. Laters.
36 Minutes....
Sorry...just had to check one last time. :(
- Billy
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