Billy Chase 402
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Sunday
- Sighhhh...Jimmy LaPlane called me twice today. Not a text or an email...he called. The first time, I didn't pick it up. I told myself that I was going to leave it alone, and that's exactly what I had planned to do. But the second time, I think I was just frustrated. So I picked up the phone, and said hello.
All I got was silence. Just silence. Then, after about ten seconds of it, he hung up on me again. He didn't say a word out loud at the time, but hors later...just a few minutes ago, in fact...he sent me a short message. It said:
"I can't believe you would hurt me like this. I really HATE you for being so fucking heartless! (Crying My Eyes Out)"
I don't know what he wants me to do. What does he want me to say? What is he asking me for? I mean...even if he made me feel so hurt and guilty that I dumped Brandon forever and went back to being his 'pseudo boyfriend'...would that be enough? Knowing that he bullied me into it? Knowing that I was totally miserable without him? I'm sorry, Jimmy! Fuck! I'm in love! What do you want from me?
I don't want to hurt someone who I care so much about...but my heart just wants what it wants. What I feel for Brandon is beyond my control. If Jimmy is hurt by that, then that sucks...but that's just something that he's going to have to deal with. End of story. He can't harass me into feeling something for him that I just don't feel.
Brandon is my soulmate. He just is. And Jimmy's going to have to get over it. I'll never be mean to him, or rub it in his face...but I hope he stops this little game of his and tries to move on. I really don't want to have him call me every day to tell me how much he hates me and what an awful person I am.
I could really do without that.
I called in to work to get my work schedule for the week, and it looks like I'm off until Wednesday! Which is awesome! Because it means that I can spend more time with Brandon, which is exactly what I was hoping for. I did trade a few messages back and forth with him earlier in the day, just to let him know that I was thinking about him. I'm always thinking about him, you know? Hehehe! He always thought that was so cute of me!
So, we're kinda sending short messages and stuff, and he says, "Hey, Billy? Can you talk for a bit?" Meaning...you know, voice to voice. I started grinning gleefully to myself almost instantly. I don't care HOW I get to talk to my baby, honestly...but hearing the little intricacies of emotion and wit in his actual speaking voice was always a serious bonus for me. It made us feel closer to one another, you know? Closer was always better. Always.
I didn't hesitate to tell him that I could, and my phone rang a few seconds later.
He's like, "Is it ok to talk? I mean...I really just wanted to hear your voice for a while. I missed you."
I giggled out loud. I don't know, just...something about Brandon makes the whole world beautiful, you know? I'm like, "Already?"
And he smiles and says, "Don't judge me." Then he gives me a big kiss over the phone and he says, "You're not grounded or anything this week, are you?"
I said, "Grounded? What am I, twelve? No way."
He's like, "You don't have to be twelve years old to get grounded, you know?"
I said, "Well, I'm not. So don't jinx me!" We both shared a short laugh over it, but I wanted to assure him that things were ok. I'm like, "Seriously...my mom's cool. It's a little weird, but that's to be expected. It's not like you shook loose the pillars of destruction on the homefront. I'll be alright." Then I told him, "You should come over this week some time. I mean, the cat's out of the bag now, right?"
He's like, "What do you mean?"
And I said, "I want her to meet you. Or, you know...at least know who you are. Just so she doesn't think you're some random stranger whenever you come over."
Did Brandon gasp out loud at the idea? Or did I imagine that?
He's like, "BILLY....no!"
I asked, "Why not?"
He says, "Why NOT??? Billy, your mom totally caught us in the middle of an intense 69 in her living room! I'm not really sure that it's going to be such a good idea for us to start on the introductions for a long long time!"
With a smirk, I said, "If you ask me, we've already given her the most intimate introduction that we could ever hope for!"
If he could have whapped me upside the head, I'm sure he would have at that moment. He's like, "I don't know. Billy...I'm not comfortable with that idea at all. Sorry, but...honestly, I think that maybe we should cool down a bit on the...well...you know..." Then he hushed his voice. "....On the 'sex'. I want you. GOD, I want you all the time! But I think it would be a big mistake to think that we could just keep doing it and not get caught again."
I'm like, "We're NOT going to get caught again, Brandon! Hehehe!"
But he says, "We weren't supposed to get caught the FIRST time!"
I told him, "It's ok. That was a screwy moment, but..."
That's when Brandon's voice got a bit more serious. And he says to me, "I just...I think we should cool it for now. For a little while. Is that ok?"
NO! No that wasn't ok! I Just got the ultimate love of my LIFE back...and he wants to back away from me sexually when ALL I want is to lick the surface of his sexy skin again???
I whined, "Brandon....c'mon. Dude, my mom WORKS during the day! She's not even gonna be here."
He's like, "Yeah, well...we don't know that. Do we?" I think he heard the hurt in my voice, and he's like, "I'm not saying never. Just...Billy, that was bad. Really bad. Ok? And I LOVE you. I really do. I just...I'd feel uncomfortable doing that again. At your house."
My eyes widened, and I said, "OOH! What about YOUR house, then? I'd totally be down for coming over! I've got Summer money and stuff now! I can even take a cab instead of the stupid ol' bus..."
But he declined. Saying, "Trust me, it would be a LOT worse if my dad caught us doing what your mom saw. A LOT worse!" Did I pout about it? You're damn right, I did. My heart hurt so much that I had to hold my two fingers to the side of my neck to make sure my pulse was running regular. But after having my mom RUIN the best afternoon of my life...I guess I couldn't blame him, right? So I gave in. He's my boyfriend. I always give in.
I said, "...k...." And that was it.
Brandon giggled at my reaction. Like, "Awwwww! Hehehe, Billy, baby....don't be like that. We'll figure something out. K?"
I said, "Yeah, but I can't get you naked and give you sexy blowjobs in the meantime."
That made him laugh out loud. I knew that he was blushing. I can always tell when my Brandon was blushing...just by the tone of his voice. He said, "Well...let's not get carried away here. Hehehe! I wanna be careful, not celibate."
It was a moment that made me cry out, "I love you SO much, Brandon!" And not just in a casual way, either. Like...I felt it in my heart when I spoke those words out loud. I was actually moved by the spontaneous confession. It was just one of those moments where I needed him to know that he was the most beautiful thing in the world to me...and that I appreciated every moment that I got to spend at his side.
He snickered to himself, but worked to regain his composure, telling me, "I love you too. I can't imagine a second of my life without you. You know that, right?"
With a sigh, and a slight 'wiggle' in my seat, I answered, "Yeah. I know. Thanks." I'm not sure that 'thanks' was the right thing to say there, but I said it. No regrets. Sometimes love isn't about the words you speak. It's just about the moment. That one, intimate, mind-blowing, moment. And with Brandon...I had many.
He asked me when I had to work next, and I said, "I'm actually off until Wednesday. So..." I was going to let my voice trail off from there and let him decide what happens next. But my selfishly infatuated state of mind forced me to act. I'm like, "Can we at least go out or something before then? Like...to lunch, or dinner, or we can catch a Summer movie matinee or something? Come on...let's go somewhere! Just you and me. I really want to see you."
He bashfully hesitated for a moment. Then he says, "Yeah. I really want to see you too." I could tell that he was trying to restrain the rapidly building momentum on his feelings for me...but he just couldn't help himself. And that was so HOT! GOD, that was hot! Hehehe! Finally, he says, "Ummm...well, m'kay. I guess we can do something soon."
I said, "Tomorrow!"
But he's like, "NOT tomorrow! But....maybe Tuesday. Ok?" I was quiet for a few seconds, and he laughed. "Dude, don't make me feel bad! I want to see you, ok? I mean it. I just...well...meh..."
I'm like, "Meh? Meh is not an excuse, mister!" But after a few giggles and a sworn promise from him, Brandon made it clear that we would get together again soon! And as much as I wanted more sex from him immediately...like, every hour of every day...I'd be happy to just be close enough to inhale that unique 'Brandon scent' from his shirt. Just stand close enough to see the sunbeams bounce off of his bright eyes. Everything about him intoxicated me with the mere thought of it alone. And now that I had access to his angelic heart, I never wanted to let got. Not ever.
Arrrgh! Jimmy just called me again! I picked up, saying, "HELLO?!?!?" in an angrier tone of voice, knowing that it was him! But he just waited a few seconds...and hung up on me again! I KNOW he was there! I could hear him breathing. What the fuck is he up to NOW???
Whatever...
I got an email from Ian tonight. A bit unexpected, but I was eager to see what he sent me.
It came with a small attachment, and the message asked, "Next Weekend?" The attachment was a short video of Bobby Jinette and Ian waving hello to me, greeting me to the new camera, and then they shared a brief, but affectionate, kiss in front of the cam. Awww, it was so sweet! I guess Bobby and Ian worked out the little differences that they had before. At least...that's what it looks like. I know that Ian can be a little sensitive sometimes, and Bobby can be a bit insecure. That doesn't always make for a good mix. But they seem pretty happy to me. So...score for them! I wish them the best.
It makes me wonder if Lee and Randall ever worked their relationship issues out. Lee stopped talking to me again. He does that sometimes. But, knowing him...expressing any kind of emotion or affection to another person scares the living hell out of him. Some people are emotionally equipped to deal with that lack of direct intimacy...but some aren't. I sure wasn't. I want to feel loved and appreciated. Brandon does that for me, just at random. I could get down on my knees and BEG Lee to 'feel' something, and I doubt he'd see it as anything more than a chore he HAD to do to keep me happy.
I take no joy out of that at all. No more than I expect Jimmy would, making me feel like I have to love him by working against my better nature. I think I'd rather stay alone forever than feel like 'love' as a human concept was some kind of bothersome obligation that I had to make for somebody else's happiness. It would suck to have those be my only two options. I want love. I want to embrace joy for all it is, and all it can be. And I want my partner to feel the same way.
Brandon does that for me. And he doesn't even TRY! Hehehe! My phone rings, and I see his name...and I'm already giddy with anticipation! Whatever excitement he creates within me...he can always back it up. Every time. But Lee? He could be such a disconnected disappointment. I feel bad for saying that, but it's true. I just wanted to feel some kind of connection to him, even if it was only as a friend. But I guess he's just not that kind of guy.
As fun and cute and charismatic as he is...that was always the missing piece of the puzzle. It's like seeing the most awesome, most beautiful, animal at the zoo...and then realizing that they will only be something that you can view through a thick plate of glass. Never touch. Never. Not the way you want to. That was Lee in a nutshell, and I'm still wondering if that was enough to satisfy Randall's craving for him to the point where he'd be willing to stab me in the back to get close to him again.
Who knows?
Either way, I guess....
Wait...
Fuck! Jimmy just called me AGAIN! And I picked up! He waited for a few seconds, and he whispers, "You ruined my life!" And hangs up on me again!!! Just NOW!!!
Ok, I'm calling Sam tomorrow morning and asking him to look in on Jimmy to make sure he's alright. This is just plain creepy, right now!
I'm gonna stop writing now! More tomorrow. I need to shake off this creepy, stalker, vibe by watching some TV or something. K?
Laters...
- Billy
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