Billy Chase 408
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Saturday
- "If you think I'm just gonna let you turn your back on me and forget that I ever existed...you're WRONG, Billy!"
That's pretty much what I woke up to this morning. That message.
What the fuck is Jimmy DOING? Did he really just write that to me? What kinda creepy juvenile shit is that? thought Sam was gonna go over there and talk to him for me. Try and calm him down or something. What the heck is THIS about?
I kept looking at that message, wondering what he meant by that. Mostly just trying to find something to make me think that I was more worried about it than I should be. But the more I read it, the more menacing it seemed. Since when did Jimmy become some kind of psycho stalker?
I don't know. That message really creeped me out, so I got rid of it as soon as possible. I was hoping that Jimmy was just having a really 'dark' moment today and wrote me that in anger. You know...when he wasn't in his right mind.
Whatever. I tried to call Sam twice today, and he didn't answer. I'm assuming that he's trying to get some affection from the ice queen today. Who knows? But I'd really like to now what Sam and Jimmy talked about the last time they got together. Or even the last time the talked on the phone. Because Jimmy went from being hurt and alone to being angry and vindictive in less than 48 hours.
Is this something that I should be worried about?
Jimmy's not really somebody that I would think anyone would ever have to be scared of. This is Jimmy LaPlane we're talking about here! He's the kid everybody used to pick on! Sam threw his shoes on the roof of the school, for crying out loud! What would I look like if spent my days looking for Jimmy to jump out of the bushes at me or something? It looks ridiculous for me to even write it here in this book. You know?
Still...Jimmy's not the most rational person in the world when it comes to his emotions.
No! Sam told me to keep quiet and stay out of it, so that's what I'm gonna do. At least until this whole obsession with me blows over. I'll only make things worse if I get involved with him again. Every word I say to Jimmy gets twisted and blown out of proportion. I know that he still loves me. I just...I've moved on now. I had to. It's what's best for both of us.
In time, I'm sure that Jimmy will move on too. And then...maybe we can inch our way towards being friends again.
Only time will tell.
I did send Brandon a few messages today. I know that I got up kinda early this morning, but the very fact that he didn't message me first had me all worried and insecure about our date last night. I mean...did he like it? Or did he just say stuff to keep me from feeling like such a loser? Brandon's too sweet to ever deliberately hurt my feelings. Which would normally be a GOOD thing! But...in this case, it just makes me wonder whether he was just being nice instead of telling me the truth. How am I supposed to know the difference? Maybe it's just more about my paranoia and less about his real feelings. It's hard to tell. I just wish I could force myself into being more gullible about the whole situation. Then I'd be able to RELAX every now and then!
Speaking of 'relaxing'...something that I haven't really been able to do around this house in quite a while now...
...My mom made a few Italian Sausages for a late lunch today. Onions and green peppers and everything. She even got hot dog buns from the grocery store, to give them a bit of that authentic feel. Seems like it would be an awesome time, right?
But when the sausages were finished cooking? My mom kinda knocked on my bedroom door frame, and said, "You can eat, hon..." And before I could answer her, or even look in her direction fast enough to catch sight of her...she was gone.
I wish I could write down what I was feeling at that moment, but I don't think that I have a way to truly express it in words alone. I can only hope that when I'm older, and I look back at these journal entries as an adult, I'll have some deeper understanding of what this confusing jumble of emotions mean and what they're supposed to be good for. Because right now...I'm totally lost.
I think a part of it was 'shame'. I think I felt like my mom was avoiding me on purpose, and that she was doing it because of what happened when she walked in on me and Brandon. Because I came out and told her that I was gay. She doesn't HATE me or anything, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel the sudden change in how things worked around the house.
I never wanted things to be different between me and my mom. Especially after the divorce, we kinda made a commitment to have each other's backs in the future that we were going to be forced to face together. Now? I dunno...I feel like I bailed on the master plan. Even worse, I feel like she resented me for it...and decided to travel on alone.
Maybe this is why Brandon has always been so serious about his dad never finding out. Ever since I've known him, that was his biggest fear concerning us being together. I used to think that it was because he was afraid of being hated, or beaten up, or kicked out of the house...just for being different. But that was the extreme.
I think I understand it a little better now.
Even worse than being hated or persecuted for your sexuality....? It's the simple act of being isolated from the people you loved and trusted most. Even in a passive way. They shrug away from you...and they MAKE you feel ashamed even if they don't mean to. Like...you spoiled everything by not being like everybody else's kids.
I know they don't intentionally push us into that category...
...but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
I sat across from her at the kitchen table, the radio playing whatever Top 20 lunch hour hits they had in rotation. We were out of frozen French Fries, so she just sprinkled a few handfuls of potato chips on our plates to help fill us up. And then...silence. Well, obviously neither one of us could talk with our mouths full, but...there was a thickness in the air that weighed heavily on my shoulders every time I was swallowing the last few bits of chewed up food. It got uncomfortable, and I found myself hurrying back for another bite so I could have an excuse to go back to not saying anything again. It seemed silly, my mom and I being so awkward around each other...but I wasn't quite sure how to break the spell that had been cast over us since the whole thing happened.
Feeling a little tremble inside, I cleared my throat and said, "So...I really had a good time last night..."
She finished chewing, and at first, it was like she didn't know what I was talking about. She's like, "Last night? What happened?" But then something clicked, and she said, "Ohhhh...that's right. You went out with your friend, Brandon. I take it you two had a good time?"
Maybe it was something that I was making up in my head. Maybe I was just being sensitive when I took the comment and her tone of voice as being somewhat 'dismissive' of the idea. But it was something that I noticed. It gave me a bit of an itch that I wanted to address. At least in a subtle way.
I looked down at my plate and I softly said, "Yeah. Well, we went out...you know...on a date. It's technically our first one, you know?" I peeked up at her briefly, afraid of what strange expression I might see on her face. But was disappointed to see her avoiding giving me any real reaction to my statement at all.
Come on, Mom! Please don't block me out! Can you just pretend this is ok? Just for a little while so I can build up enough confidence to not worry about this so much?
There was another extended silence between us, and I was all out of food to shove in my mouth, so...no more of that being a faithful distraction.
The tremors inside got worse as I said, "I really like him, Mom. Brandon...he makes me sooooo happy."
She finally looked me in the eye, and as much as I was hoping that some eye contact would be possible at that moment, the second our gazes connected, I got intimidated and instantly looked away.
That's when I heard her voice say, "Good. I'm really happy for you, honey. Both of you. Ok?"
I peeked up at her eyes again. Briefly. I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I wanted to have a loving boyfriend, I wanted my best friend on my side, I wanted my mom to know who I really am inside...I'm getting EVERYTHING I want...and I still feel suspicious about whether or not this is at all possible. It doesn't feel real. I guess...when you've lived with the threat of exposure for so long, you build it up in your head as this horrible HORRIBLE thing that will completely ruin your life and force you to create a new life somewhere else! Under some alias that will keep people from ever knowing you as anyone as the person you used to be, because you've clearly fucked that all up and can't ever go back again!
So when...the big apocalypse doesn't happen...and life goes on as though it was no big deal...? Well, it takes some re-adjustment on your part. I think that's where I am right now. This seems too easy to not be a trap of some sort.
I said, "I think...I think I'm in love, Mom. With him. With...Brandon, I mean." I don't know why I kept pushing. I'm not sure if I was looking for a negative reaction or what, but...I just wanted to test a few boundaries so she could understand that Brandon and I weren't just 'hanging out' last night like a couple of preteens. You know?
But my mom just said, "That's beautiful, Billy. As long as you're happy. It's good to see you smiling the way you do whenever you talk about him."
Ok, so...does she mean that? Or is that another part of the trap? She didn't seem sad or anything. Isn't she going to say or do something to make me feel bad? Or...or SOMETHING???
UGH! Goddammit!!! Why can't parents be good at doing ANYTHING right??? She's supposed to be mad or acting weird or making me feel bad! And she's not! She's being totally COOL about this! Grrrr! Just FORGET it! She's creeping me out now! I had to go back to my room! I couldn't take anymore. What-ever.
Anyway, I know that I was supposed to go over to Ian's tomorrow afternoon, but I got a weird message from him today. I made sure to read it over more than once, as it didn't seem to make much sense to me at first. It's not like we were going to shoot his whole movie in a single day or anything. I just know that he was so excited about it before, and wanted to show me some of the places he wanted to shoot with his camera and talk about the script and stuff...but now? Now, his whole vibe had changed on the idea. I didn't get it.
He says, "Hey, Billy. Listen, about this whole Summer movie thing...I know that I can be kind of passionate when it comes to putting stuff like this together, and maybe I just assumed too much when I bullied you into being a part of all this. I talked to Bobby, and...dude, there won't be ANY hard feelings at all if you decide that you don't want to do it. Ok? Just let me know, and I'll find a way around it. It's no biggie. Give me a call before you come over, and we'll figure something out. I just hope you didn't feel pressured or anything. Totally not my intention. Later."
What is he talking about? I never felt bullied or pressured into anything. I said I'd do it because I sincerely wanted to be in his movie. Ian was so excited about it that I got excited about it too! What changed his mind? He says he talked to Bobby, but I can't imagine that Bobby would say something to make him think I wasn't interested anymore. That's just stupid. What the heck is going on NOW? They looked so happy in the video they sent me. I even went back to watch it again, with them sharing a sweet kiss and everything. So...what did I do?
Sighhhh...I'll call tomorrow morning and figure out what's going on. Right now, I'm a little tied up with my mom and Jimmy and trying to find out what Sam might have said to him or heard from him to turn him into the Zodiac Killer all of a sudden!
Life should be happy right now. It really should be a dream come true. But I feel the drama creeping up on me all over again. And this time I don't know how to deal with it, because it's the kind of drama that I haven't dealt with before. Why can't life just be happy for a little while?
I always feel like I'm a magnet for trouble. Always ten steps behind. I thought I was doing everything right this time? Who knows...maybe there IS no right thing. Maybe life is just a constant exercise in dodging one bullet after another...taking a few shots in the process...and hoping the wound doesn't kill you in the end. Geez...that would suck.
I'll write more tomorrow. Seeya then.
-Billy
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