Billy Chase 410
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Monday
- You know...when my mom told me to tell her my work schedule so she could have Mr. Franks come by and look at her car, I didn't know that she meant TODAY! I don't even know how she organized everything so fast. She called Mr. Franks, called another friend of hers to get a ride to work this morning, and coordinated the whole thing before she even went to bed last night. Geez! I thought I'd at LEAST have until Thursday!
Just as well though. Might as well have him come over and get it done with, you know?
So I had to get up around 10 this morning, and I had some cold left overs for breakfast. I didn't have an exact time or anything for when this guy was coming over to the house, so I just kinda had to sit here and wait all morning. Sighhhhh...BORING!
I didn't want to talk to Brandon too early, just in case he decided to sleep in today or something. But...every waking moment that I spend without some sort of mental distraction to keep my brain busy is a moment that I missing my boyfriend. I just wanted to hear his voice for a little bit. I wanted to listen to his bashful laugh and wiggle in my own skin while I wished on every available star that I'd get to be within smooching distance of him again some time soon!
And if the both of us were completely naked and covered in the sticky traces of freshly dried teenage semen when it happened...then so be it. You know? Just sayin'! Hehehe!
Anyway, I was trying to get in touch with my baby and...I don't know. Maybe he was busy or something. I guess it's Monday. He's got something going on Mondays that I guess I'm not supposed to know about. Not with any detail, at least. I'm sure it's not something super secret or anything, but...I wish I knew why he'd change the subject every time I asked him about it.
Dammit! See? Bobby starts planting weird ideas in my head, and now I'm thinking up all kinds of weird and stupid scenarios that never would have crossed my mind beforehand. I need to wise up and find a way to think clearly.
Ugh...so stupid.
So I'm playing video games for a few hours, just waiting for this lame guy to come over and fix my mom's car, and FINALLY...some time around 2 or 3 O'clock in the afternoon, Mr. Franks comes over and rings the doorbell.
I knew that he was coming over, but he introduces himself at the door anyway. As though I'd just answer the door for some stranger that I didn't recognize already. Mr. Franks is tall. At least, I think he's tall. He's got light brown hair and one of those moustaches that looks as if it was snatched right out of an early 90's sitcom or something. Eyes? Brown. Just plain brown. And a husky voice that probably comes from him smoking. I can smell it on him. The less time he spends in our house, the easier it'll be to get that smoky old onion stench out of our kitchen.
He's nice enough. I don't want to make it seem like I'm judging the guy. It's just...I could be spending time with my boyfriend today, and instead, I'm sitting in the living room all by myself, forced to be polite and create the illusion of hospitality while watching old reruns of 'Star Wars' on cable. I'd just rather be mashing my lips against Brandon's instead, I guess.
Mr. Franks is one of those people who likes to make conversation for the sake of beating the silence. It's not like he actually has something to say. He tries to MAKE UP something to say just so he can keep making noise. Why does he try so hard to come up with random bullshit just so he can talk to me? I'd take an awkward silence over mindless conversation any day. Just...go fix my mom's car and LEAVE already. You know? I don't want to be mean, but...not everybody has something to talk about. And everybody that's forced to spend time together isn't compatible. Why fake it?
Maybe I'm just a bit peeved that I can't spend time with my Brandon today instead of having to babysit some 'temporary mechanic'. Who knows?
While Mr. Franks was outside working on the car, I got another little message from Jimmy LaPlane.
I was kinda scared to open it, to be honest. I never know what kind of hurtful and frightening things he was going to say to me from one moment to the next. I almost considered deleting the message and not reading it at all. I guess I just decided not to let his anger and fury affect my current state of mind. As much as he may hate and despise me right now...maybe he needs to take his own advice and realize that 'other people matter'. Like me? It works both ways, you know?
Everybody's got the perfect answer until they find themselves in the middle of the situation.
Anyway, I think I ignored the message for all of about 20 minutes before curiousity got the better of me.
I opened it up...and, surprisingly, Jimmy sounded a lot different than he did the last time he wrote me.
He says...
"I'm sorry for the last few things I said to you. Ok? Billy...I MISS you! I mean, can you just understand that I miss you with all my heart? And you can't even be bothered to TALK to me? Can you at least ANSWER me? Pretend that we had something special for a little while and treat me like you cared for me? Why the fuck are you TREATING me this way! GOD, I never knew that you could be so fucking HEARTLESS! :("
It hurt me to read it. I'm sure it hurt him to say it. This wasn't like it was with AJ, where he didn't care that I left him alone. And it wasn't like Bobby, where he moved on...or Lee, where he just said 'Fuck you!' and didn't talk to me again. No, his was different. Jimmy was still holding on to the idea that we could fix things. And the longer things went un-fixed...the more frustrated and depressed he got about it. To a level where I was getting more and more worried about how he was taking this whole break up, and what might come next if it went any further.
Especially when I read a second message from him, saying...
"That was wrong of me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Baby, I miss you. I miss US! I don't mean to be angry. Can we talk? Please? Just...call me, ok? I really want us to talk about this. I won't get all crazy on you, I promise. Please don't ignore this message. :("
Well...what does THAT mean?
I wish Sam would fucking get back to me so I could ask him what the hell was going on with Jimmy and this sudden shift towards being this bi-polar psycho stalker these days instead of what he was before. He's actually ASKING me to not abandon him now! He's clearly saying that he wants to talk to me and that he wants me to respond. So....by NOT responding, by NOT speaking up and saying something...I'm making a clear and undeniable choice to not talk to him. I'm CHOOSING to be a total asshole! I can make up all the mental excuses that I want to, but at the end of the day...I'm making a conscious choice to ignore and abandon his need for some sort of support. And...I suck for that.
I do...
Every day, I see this poor, lost, individual...asking for help, and I choose not to give a shit. Every single day, I choose to turn my back on him, and basically send the message that I don't care about his feelings. I only care about being too lazy to let him know I'm even listening to what he has to say. I don't think I realized just how BAD I felt about that until just now.
I feel like a great deal of my day was wasted. Maybe it's because I've got a job now. Last Summer, wasting a few days a week was like a goal for me. Who cared, you know? It was Summer time! But now that I've got a bit of responsibility, and I know that I have to go to work tomorrow...wasting a day for no reason seems so lazy to me. I should have done more.
No answer from Sam today, but I did get a very short (and distant) message from Brandon eventually. It was mostly just him saying that he loved me with his whole heart, and he wanted to tell me goodnight. Knowing Brandon...that basically meant that sending a message right back to him wouldn't get a reply. Brandon only says goodnight when he's tired and just minutes away from going to bed. So...yeah. That was that.
Our only communication for the day.
No...I'm not complaining. Promise.
I'm kinda disappointed, but...I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm blessed with the greatest boyfriend on Earth! Who am I to start nitpicking and worrying about bullshit. He's fine. I'm fine. We're both fine. I've got to stop letting my head mess with me if I'm ever going to be the kind of boyfriend to Brandon that he is to me.
So...instead of asking any strange questions or jumping to any awkward conclusions...I simply said, "I love you too, babe." And I sent him a ton of kisses and hugs, hoping that the intensity of my affection could somehow be felt through the heartwarming text on the screen.
I can only hope. Right?
Anyway, it's late. I don't want to be a TOTAL zombie at work tomorrow. So I think I'm going to end this here and get some sleep. Or...well, maybe watch some TV first, and then get some sleep. Whichever.
Laters.
- Billy
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