Billy Chase 414
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Friday
- Hehehe! Damn you, Jimmy, and your adorable ways! :P
That was the first thing that I woke up to this morning. This weird, random, message from Jimmy La Plane, saying:
I saw this squirrel outside my window this morning! And I'm all like 'WHAT???', and the squirrel is like 'WHAT??? Dumbass human?' and I'm like 'Fuck you, squirrel!' Then I think he ran off to go get his homies or something, so I got scared and closed the curtains because they have rabies and shit! Damn rodents!
Hahaha, what the fuck? It just made me laugh out loud, you know? It was so 'out of the blue' and so silly and so....so Jimmy! Hehehe, even now it makes me giggle a bit. You see, that's the kind of fun and goofiness that I miss from having Jimmy around as much as I used to. I sent back a message with me laughing and asking what the heck was wrong with him, but he just answered with a smile and a sigh. Jimmy really is ADORABLE sometimes! Once he finds that special guy to be his boyfriend...they are going to blow the hinges off of his bedroom door! Wow, hehehe!
This was one of those days when I wasn't really crazy about going into work, but I went in anyway. It's not like I had any real reason for not wanting to go, just a heavy dose of Summer laziness, I suppose.
On the bus ride over, I texted back and forth with Brandon for a few minutes. Just...to tell him I loved him, and that I was thinking about him. I don't know, it just makes me feel good to give this whole boyfriend thing my all for once. No more screw ups. Brandon's the one I want. He's my every dream come true, and I find no shame in letting him know every chance I get. Hehehe, besides, it always makes him smile.
Robin was working alongside me today, and I have to admit that he's become an extremely depressing person since the whole thing with him and AJ came to an end. He barely lifts his eyes up from the floor anymore, and I was just baffled by his response to the whole thing. I mean, AJ treated him like DIRT! And that's not an exaggeration, AJ could be a real bastard when he wanted to be. He ignored Robin, wouldn't talk to him, lied to him, cheated on him, used him for his own selfish sexual gratification, and then expected to just walk away at the drop of a hat as though it was no big deal. How can Robin even feel the slightest emotional connection who stomped on his heart so mercilessly and tore his whole world apart? It just made my blood boil to think that AJ could get away with doing that to someone so sweet and so loving and thinking that there wasn't going to be a price to pay for it later.
#KarmaIsReal...right?
As popular a YouTube and Twitter as that boy, Rodney, is...he has seriously damaged AJ's chances at being even HALF as efficient at breaking hearts and acquiring new pieces of ass as he was before. So much for his supposed 'Summer Boy' theory. He's gonna have to start chatting up boys in ALASKA if he wants to get some booty now! And GOOD for him! Emotions run deep for a lot of people, and they're not to be played with. Not like that.
Still...the satisfaction of seeing AJ suffer wasn't enough to lift Robin's mood whenever I saw him at work. He just seemed down. Even his voice was different. He barely spoke loud enough for the rest of us to hear him anymore. I hated seeing him like that. I just remember the smile on his face when I went over to his house. The confidence he had, answering the door naked. The sound of his TV sitcom parents in the background as we made plans to get down and dirty with one another. I guess we all have a soft spot, deep inside. One that we protect. That we guard with our very lives. There's nothing worse than willingly giving someone you trust access to that spot...and having them betray you, never looking back at the wreckage they left behind.
A part of you dies forever when someone deliberately does that to you. It's a wound that never heals. And as DONE as I am with AJ for fucking EVER...he won. Because I'll never get that part of my heart back. Not ever again.
Sucks.
Anyway, the reason I mention all this is because Trace came into the store today! Hehehe, it's strange, but the more I try to make time for everybody that I care about, the less I'm able to make time for anybody at all. I didn't think it had been that long since we last talked, but he gave me the biggest smile when he saw me today. Well, big for Trace, anyway. He didn't want to ruin his personal sense of 'cool', after all. And he brought his little brother, Mikey, with him...which is always a joy in itself. I was actually helping a customer when they came in, and before I even knew what was happening, I had Mikey's arms wrapped around my waist and giving me the biggest, sweetest, hug that a boy his age could possibly provide.
He screams, "HI, BILLY!!!" As though I was a decorated soldier coming back from war! Hehehe, I don't know why that boy loved me so much, but God bless him for being so open about it.
I didn't see Trace grinning at me until a few seconds later, and once I was able to send the customer up to the front counter, I picked Mikey up and gave him a hug. I'm like, "Hey there! What are YOU doing running around the mall today?"
Excited, Mikey said, "I lost a TOOTH, Billy! Look!" That boy smiled so wide that I was afraid he was going to hurt himself. But sure enough, one of his bottom baby teeth was absent, and he couldn't have been more proud of himself.
Humoring him, I said, "Omigod! Where'd your tooth go? That's crazy!"
He said, "That was a baby tooth, and so the tooth fairy is gonna come and knock out all my teeth and steal them from me so I can grow up. But she's supposed to leave me some money, I think. Otherwise, umm...she'll prolly have to go to jail for robbery." LOL! What the...? Mikey was getting a bit heavy, so I put him back down on the floor and congratulated him on the milestone. Trace just shook his head, and he and I shared a giggle over the whole idea of it. then Trace told Mikey to go looking around the store so we could talk, and the little 'joy-goblin' gave me another quick hug before hurrying off to look at stuff.
Trace made sure to say, "Stay where I can see you!"
Mikey's tiny voice said, "I know! Don't yell at me, ok?"
Trace sighed, "I'm NOT yel...ugh, whatever." He grinned to himself and I could see that his baby brother had already worn him out for the day. He shook his head and said, "Is it weird that I'm anxiously waiting for the day when that boy becomes a brooding teenager and just wants to be left alone? Hehehe!"
I said, "Awwww, give the kid a break! He lost his first tooth! That's gotta be freaky for him. Let him celebrate for a little while." I think I suddenly felt a pinch of familiarity when I said the words out loud. After all the stress and worry that I went through worrying about this troublesome zit of mine, I felt a little backwards telling Trace to be proud of Mikey losing a tooth. I suppose they're both rites of passage in their own way when it comes to growing up. Still...I wish my particular rite of passage wasn't this big red knot of greasy flesh on my face! But, if it stops there, maybe I can celebrate a bit myself. You know...when it's over.
Trace smiled, saying, "Dude, TRUST me...the last thing that pint sized hellion needs is another break. He's totally wearing me down this Summer."
I'm like, "Gee, spontaneous and out of his mind and openly energetic to the point of exhaustion? I wonder where he gets THAT from? Hehehe!"
Trace grinned, and he was like, "That's a totally different situation." Then he tried to hold back his laughter, but some of his snickers slipped out anyway. And he says, "Asshole! Hehehe!" He's tells me, "My dad is taking cooking lessons online, he's keeping the house clean, I can't even leave the house without him offering to drive me somewhere. It just feels so weird, you know? Having him not be 'absent'."
I was like, "Weird, how?"
Trace said, "It's like I can't relax, Billy. I just...I think I've been taking care of Mikey on my own for soooo long that it's kinda hard for me to stop. My dad is really trying this time, but...well, I totally SUCK for saying this...but I don't trust him yet. I can't. My dad has screwed up so many times that my faith in him to do anything right just...it isn't there. I dunno. Maybe I'm being too harsh on him."
I said, "Maybe you are. You said, yourself, that he's trying hard to make things right."
Trace grunted, "I know. But...nothing about his effort feels 'real' to me. It's just another few moves on the chess board for him. I can't help but to feel that he's more concerned with making us FEEL like we're a real family again, than he is with trying to actually make us a real family. Could I be any more PTSD about it? Geez!"
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but I told him, "You've gotta give the poor guy a break either way, right? Eventually. You'll never be comfortable or feel at ease if you don't at least give him a chance to prove that he can be the dad you and Mikey need him to be. I mean...right?"
He's like, "True. Just...I haven't had a drink in a week, and it's seriously starting to fuck with my head. Have there always been this many hours in a single day. It feels like it lasts forever. I think I liked it better when he was neglectful, but with a totally dope liquor stash in the house, you know? Now we're dry as a bone. Sucks." Hehehe, I told him that was awful, but Trace didn't seem to care. He's like, "Have you heard from your dad lately? NOT that I want to be a pest or anything, I think I just...I miss him, sometimes. Mikey misses him too. And Lynn's early morning breakfast. I hope he hasn't moved on and forgotten all about us already."
I'm like, "I highly doubt that." Thinking about it, I said, "I know what you mean, though. About missing the chance to have him around."
But Trace shook his head and said, "Nah...I don't think you do." Then he followed it up with, "Tell him that I said 'Hi'...or whatever. If you get to talk to him. K?"
I said, "I'm sure that he's just settling in and stuff. All that stuff we packed into that truck? And doesn't even have us to help him unpack this time. It's gonna take forever."
He's like, "Oh sure, yeah. I figured."
Seeing his mood darken a little bit, I said, "He's NOT gonna just forget about you, Trace."
But Trace replied with a touch of sadness in his voice, "It's ok. Really. He's not my dad, he's yours. I mean, I get it. I just didn't want him to think that I was ungrateful or anything. Heh...I guess when two people are waiting for the other one to speak first, you've got to put an end to the whole silly game and just say hello. Right? I just wanted your dad to know that I was still super thankful for everything he's done for me so far. I doubt I would have survived this long without him."
Was there still a part of me that wanted to claim my dad as my own and nobody else's? Sure there was. But when it came to Trace and Mikey...I've kinda grown accostumed to sharing. That's what I wanted to do here. Share.
Mikey was jumping around the store doing God knows what and he even showed Robin his missing tooth. Hahaha, really? He doesn't even know Robin. Was he THAT happy about it? I guess he is. Trace just shook his head. He's like, "Yeah, my dad has been sending me and Mikey to the doctor, the dentist, and anywhere else that we hadn't been to in a while this week. Got us both up to date with our checkups. It's so EXHAUSTING, dude! At least for ME, it is." Trace giggled out loud, "Oh god...Mikey saw a commercial on television and decided to ask his doctor about Viagra. Just because the commercial told him to. That kid is a character, dude. He needs to be on TV someday." Then Trace tells me, "I know it's Summer time, but I am sooooo bored right now. And without any liquor in the house I feel like I want to start throw firecrackers at people just for a ten second thrill."
With a fake gasp, I'm like, "Don't tell me that Trace The Great has run out of adventures to have? The world at large takes a sigh of relief. Hehehe!"
He grins and say, "I know right? I burned myself out before school was even finished. And Simon's still a bit on the depressing side right now."
I'm like, "He's still sulking over the Summer school thing?"
Trace said, "Yeah. I don't get it though. He gets up early, he goes to school for like two or three hours, max...and then he comes back home again. It's been weeks, you'd think he would have gotten used to it by now."
I told him, "You know Simon. He looks at everything as 'pass' or 'fail'. It seems crazy to you and me, but honestly, I don't think Simon would be happy without impossible goals of overachievement. He sorta thrives on it."
Trace shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I suppose you're right."
I gave him a smile and said, "It sounds to me like you both need some rescuing. Maybe I can come up with something for once. You know...to celebrate Mikey's missing tooth and all." Trace wrinkled his forehead a bit. I said, "What? I can be spontaneous too! Besides, you've got no booze, Simon's stuck in school all morning, and I'm the only one of us that has a job and a decent excess of cash to blow. So, who knows? Maybe I've got some ideas brewing that you don't know about."
Trace said, "Ideas like what?"
Pulling one of his numbers, I just smiled and said, "Now, you know better than to ask me that ahead of time, don't you?"
Trace was like, "Being a working man has made you cocky, Billy. Hehehe!" Then he called Mikey over and agreed that we'd get together some time soon. I'm not really sure when, but soon. He really did look a little bored today. I always knew that Trace could be a bit of a thrill seeker, but I guess he would need an accomplice or two to get any real joy out of it. I have no idea how I'm going to surprise a guy like Trace when I can barely figure out how to take my own boyfriend out on a proper date without nearly losing my mind...but I'm sure it'll come to me. Besides, we need to get Simon out of his funk. He's way too hard on himself some times.
I don't think Trace and Mikey had been gone for a full three minutes before I saw Robin sort of steadily working his way over to my section of the store. What the heck was he creeping for? He's like, "So...your friend's brother is really funny."
Odd, sure. But Robin hasn't been himself lately. I'm like, "He's a riot. Hehehe! And he's like that all the time. Can you imagine?"
Robin smirked a bit, but after another few seconds, he was like, "So...is that one of your friends?"
Again...odd. I said, "Yeah. His name is Trace."
Robin said, "Oh. Ok." Then there was another pause, and he asked, "I'm sorry if this sounds weird, but...is he, like, a friend friend? Or is he like...well, you know?"
It took me a moment to process what he was asking, but then it clicked, and I'm like, "OH! No! Nothing like that. We're just buds. I've got Brandon. That's all I want."
Ouch, I probably shouldn't have said it that way. Does that count as rubbing his nose in it? I hope not.
He's like, "Really? Well...he's really cute. Just saying." He seemed to be a little flirty and weird about it, but it was cool to see him smile. He asked me, "He wouldn't...ummm...like boys by any chance, would he?"
That's a question that, after knowing him for this, I should be able to answer with ease. But I stopped myself before giving the autopilot answer. I'm like, "Well...to be totally honest, I don't think I know. I never really ever solved that mystery."
Robin snickered to himself, like, "So you DID try to get a piece of that. Didn't you?"
I was surprised, but told him, "Maybe. You know...once upon a time. But, seriously, I don't know if he's gay or not. He never said he was. At least not to me."
Robin, while a bit disappointed, seemed to look a little happier than he was when he came in this morning. He's like, "K. Just wondering. I'm not asking you to ask or anything, but...you know, if you think he might want someone to see a movie with or something...? Well, you know what I'm saying. Hehehe!"
Awww, that would be awesome! How easy would it be if Trace was gay and Robin was available and I could mash them together into one big snuggable mess? Hehehe! Robin might be able to get over his heartbreak and leave AJ behind him, once and for all, and Trace will get all the thrills he needs to last him the rest of the Summer. In a perfect world, something like that would be amazing to be a part of. But...anybody can watch the first ten minutes of the nightly news and know how easy it is to toss that 'perfect world' bullshit right out the window. Still, it's an interesting idea. Trace is awfully affectionate for a straight boy. I mean, Sam is too...but that's because we're best friends. I don't think I've ever had the same kind of contact with a straight boy like I have with Trace. He can be...confusing sometimes.
It would be worth looking into. If for no other reason than I could kill two birds with one stone by finally finding out what Trace's sexual preference is and find Robin a date at the same time. I think it's time I put on my investigator's hat again!
Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I'm already feeling the mopey sensations of not wanting to go in to work tomorrow, and tonight isn't even over yet. Maybe I'm burning out too. Ugh! You'd think that I could at least make it through ONE Summer without getting lazy. Maybe it's just a phase. I'll feel better next week. I've just got stuff on my mind, I guess.
Oh...
I got another message from Jimmy just a few minutes ago. I know that he just wrote me this morning, but...
Well, he says:
"Just wanted to say good night. I'm tired. But every time I sit still for more than a few minutes, I think about you again. I just wanted to say g'night, and let you know that I'm glad we can talk to one another again. I feel like we have so much to work out between us. Maybe we start that conversation some time soon? Like...I don't know, this weekend. If you want to. I'd really love to feel close to you again."
The message seemed innocent enough...but something about the feeling behind it made me uncomfortable. The strange thing is, I can't, for the life of me, explain WHY. It just had this underlying tone of intimacy that felt like it didn't belong there. Am I being paranoid?
I especially felt it when he said:
"Love you forever, Billy. Later. Jimmy"
Maybe I should just ignore that part. It's a little weird, but we can still be friends without the 'I love you' confessions. I mean, he's just Jimmy being Jimmy, right? Jimmy's been flirting with me the whole time we've been friends. I just have to get used to him all over again. That's all.
Anyway, until later...this is Billy Chase, signing out! :)
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