Billy Chase Chapter 443
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Friday
- What the hell? Arrrghhh! Seriously?
I just came back from the bathroom mirror, and I swear that I got another pimple on my forehead throughout the course of the day! What is going on with me? Can a zit grow to maturity in a 24 hour period? That's insane!
I still have some of my facial scrub left. I guess I've got to keep up with that whole routine. I got a little comfortable when the first few bumps went away, but they just keep coming back...and I want them to go away. Please, God...tell me I got my mom's genetics when it comes to this pimple stuff and not my dad's. I feel so UGLY sometimes. To say that it's depressing to feel so helpless is an understatement. I've got a boyfriend, for crying out loud! And he didn't sign up to be seen in public with some 'monster faced' teenager.
Puberty is so stupid sometimes. Not to mention just plain MEAN.
I thought about sending Ian a message today to ask if he was feeling alright. I know that he's still a bit heartbroken over the Bobby situation, and I didn't want him to think that I was avoiding him. But...I didn't. Does that mean that I'm avoiding him? I don't know. My heart feels a little heavy right now, and I'm dealing with some personal conflicts that are taking up a lot of my energy right now...
...I feel like I'm going to need more emotional energy than I have to spare to take on Ian's troubles too. At least right now. I feel a little selfish about that. But I've learned, over time, that trying to be there for everyone else while my own life falls apart without the proper attention is NOT the way to go. I always end up regretting it in the long run.
One thing that I've done to try to clean my life up a little bit was attempting to be nice to my mom today. Maybe it came off as being fake or something, because she seemed a little surprised to see me being civil towards her again. But...whatever. I was trying to maybe start making things right between us. We both have to live in this cramped space together, so...we might as well get along, right?
My mom made pork chops for dinner. They were really good too. So I was like, "Thanks, Mom. Dinner was...awesome." Does that sound corny? I think that sounded corny. I made sure to wash the dishes too. And I took out the trash. I even tried to make some kind of pleasant conversation whenever I found the opportunity. I was trying to be subtle about it all...hoping that my mom and I could solve our conflicts the way that Sam and I usually do. By just ignoring what happened before and getting back to normal without mentioning it again. Unfortunately...I don't think it was going to be that easy this time.
The strange thing is...what I, originally, mistook for bitterness and anger on her part...now it just looked like she was hurting. Hurting...because of me.
I didn't like that feeling at all.
But I was making an honest attempt to mend things. I swear. It's just...I didn't exactly know what to say to her. I mean, how do I even start that conversation? It's not like I can say, "It's ok for you to go screw that guy if you want." That would be weird as hell! But...for now, I'm sorta waving a white flag when it comes to her doing what my dad did with his pursuit of happiness. I just hope that she can take the hint and allow me to scamper away from this without making a big production out of it. Not because I'm scared to...I just, honestly, don't know how.
I did talk to Sam for a little bit today. And he surprised me by being all like, "So...is that Jamie Cross still having that dumb party next Friday or what?"
I told him, "I don't know. I never called him back. I was pretty shocked that he invited me to begin with, to be honest. So, I don't know what's going on with that."
Sam hesitated for a moment. Then he's like, "Well, are you gonna go?"
His curiosity about Joanna was written all OVER this question. But I answered with, "I don't know. Why? Do you wanna go?"
Nonchalantly, Sam says, "I dunno. Maybe. I mean...only if you're going. If you go, then I'll go. If not, well...I mean, are you going?"
Great, put the entire weight of this decision on me. Nice.
I was like, "I thought about it. But I dunno."
Sam seemed to be fidgeting. And then he's like, "I think we should go. Just to see everybody and get reacquainted before school starts up again, you know? It'll be something to talk about."
I almost kept my mouth shut about it, but decided to ask anyway. I'm like, "Sam...this isn't about Joanna, is it?" I know that I sorta mentioned it to Sam originally, but I've since thought more about that and I was like, "That might be a bad idea."
Sam said, "Why? I'm not gonna do anything bad. I just wanna go to a party. What's so bad about that?"
I'm like, "Sam...dude...you know that this isn't going to end well for either one of you. I thought you were trying to move on..."
He's like, "I AM moving on. I'm done with that whole thing. Does that mean I have to jump in the bushes and hide every time she crosses my path? I can totally have fun without her."
I told Sam, "Yeah...I'm calling bullshit on that one." He denied it, of course, but I said, "You're going there, specifically, to talk to Joanna...and it's gonna end up in an argument, and you're going to spend the last week or two of your Summer feeling rejected and miserable. I mean, is it really worth it?"
He paused for a moment, then replied, "As strange as it sounds, Billy...I think it is." Which surprised me a little bit. He's like, "I know it's crazy, ok? I do. I just...I want to see her. I want to talk to her. I HATE feeling like this all the time. If she could just talk to me and tell me for sure that it's over and that she's got somebody else in her life to make her happy...I can at least be free of this craving to make things better between us. At least I'll know it's over for good, and maybe I can move on too. The way things are now...I can't help but to feel like she's just waiting for me to be her boyfriend again. It's so stupid, but I can't stop. I need her to cut me off so I can stop worrying about this. Does that make sense?"
Being honest, I was like, "Yeah. I think I can understand that." But I made sure to add, "Just...don't expect too much from all of this. K? I mean...I don't want you to get hurt."
He knew I was right. Deep down, he knew the chances of him and Joanna getting back together after one long awaited meeting and conversation were slim. But...I wasn't going to stop him from getting his definitive answer. If it gives him some level of closure and helps him to move on...it's best that I just step out of the way and let the pieces fall where they may. But...if he needs me, I'll be there. I'll always be there. And he knows that. So we reached that understanding without having to say it out loud.
I guess Joanna is his 'Brandon'. And I wouldn't let anybody keep me away from my sweetheart either...no matter HOW much it hurt. It's just a part of the game, I guess.
Anyway, Sam didn't make it clear whether he wanted us to go to Jamie Cross' party next Friday, but I have a feeling that he's going. And that makes me wonder...can I invite Brandon to come with us? And if I do...will it be as my 'boyfriend'? Will this be the moment that we let the rest of our classmates know that Billy Chase is gay? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. A part of me doesn't think it will be that big of a deal. But another part of me is scared of being exposed when it comes to something so very personal to me. Nothing makes you feel more vulnerable, more self conscious, than sex. Will people look at me and Brandon together and immediately start imagining what it's like when we have sex? Will they whisper about us behind our backs? Will we become the topic of conversation between high school gossips who have nothing better to do than regurgitate juicy details and unfounded rumors in order to feel good about themselves? Who knows?
i just know that if I go to Jamie Cross' party, I'm going to want Brandon to come with me. And after an entire Summer of us being proud of our love...I don't think I want to smother our feelings under a blanket of so-called 'normality' again. I want us to feel good about being boyfriends. Not just in private...but in front of everybody else too.
I need to talk to him about it first, though. i can't make that choice for the both of us. Brandon has feelings too. Issues. And a relationship with his dad that he needs to straighten out...no pun intended. But...if he's ok with it all, I'd love for him to accompany me to this party as my date. And not as a 'buddy' that I know from school. I can only keep my fingers crossed for now. We'll see what he says tomorrow.
Oh...I almost forgot...
Mostly because...who cares? You know?
I got a message from Jimmy tonight after dinner. It just said...
"I was just thinking about how much I fucking HATE you, Billy! And it made me laugh out loud to myself! I'm so much better off without you in my life! Fuck you, and I wish you the absolute WORST that life has to offer! Hahaha!"
Was that supposed to hurt me? It doesn't. It's mildly annnoying, but that's about it. I regret ever spending one ounce of emotion on that asshole. After being there to comfort him, talk to him, staying by his bedside through his suicide attempts, trying to help him through the rough times...after all I did to stand by him and defend him and embrace him as a true friend...this is how he treats me? I guess he's forgotten about all that other stuff. But...whatever. I'm done feeling any empathy for Jimmy LaPlane at all. Let him sulk and throw tantrums until his heart gives out. If this is who he truly is as a person...then good riddens. He's SO far beyond redemption at this point. Fuck you too.
I've gotta run. Work in the morning. I guess I should get myself ready for Jamie's party next week then. I'll send him a quick message to say 'what's up' and get some details. It might be fun...ending the Summer with a bang.
Anyway, I'll write more later. Seeya.
- Billy
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