Here's chapter 13. Sorry it took so long as compared to the past. This might be the new standard. We'll have to see how 14 goes. Hope you all enjoy the new twist. Let me know. If you go to my site, be sure to sign the guestbook. :o)
www.familyshoebox.com/family/bleeding-hearts
Chapter 13
I sat stunned in front of my computer. I couldn't believe what I had just read so I read it again, but the words hadn't changed since the last time. Kane thought he might be gay. My heart was racing at the very thought, but what about Asher? He was so unsure about what he wanted; I didn't even know where I stood with him.
Of course, Kane hadn't said he was interested in me actually, just that he might be gay and he liked being held by me. That didn't mean much though. I had to careful to not influence his decision. It had to be him; he had to be sure that he was gay.
I occurred that I didn't really know that much about why people are gay. I'd accepted the fact that I was and never wondered what made me that way. I didn't have any clue what to tell Kane if he asked me that. I minimized Kane's letter and opened up my favorite search engine, www.Google.com. After reading several articles it seemed like each one I read contradicted the one before. None of them seemed to agree. One suggested that it was genetic, another that it was environment, nature vs. nurture, on and on. They all seemed biased and stated their case as if they were absolutely right and everyone else was wrong. It was all very confusing and after half an hour I didn't know anymore than I did when I started. Then I found an article that seemed to be an unbiased balance of both views that made more sense to me than anything I had read so far. It was long and I was deeply immersed in it when I heard Adam calling me to come eat dinner with him and Steve. I hadn't even heard them come in. I quickly book-marked the site and sent Kane a short email telling him to feel free to call me.
After dinner, Adam, Steve and I were sitting around the table just chatting, talking about the day. I told them about what had happened with Zack and Jesse and Asher's reaction.
"Asher's reaction is normal," Steve said when I'd finished, "especially if he's still uncertain about what he wants. I admit it sounds like he may know more than he is saying, but we can't know what and its useless to speculate. What concerns me more is Zack and Jesse. Something is going to have to be done about those boys. This is serious. It can't be allowed to continue. Someone is going to get hurt worse than a black eye."
"Maybe they already have," Adam said softly.
"You think they might have been involved in Seth's murder?" Steve asked him sharply.
"Maybe, and if not they probably know more than they are saying," Adam said.
Steve looked over to me, "Have you talked to anyone at school yet?"
"No, I'm not sure where to start and I was kinda waiting until things returned to normal," I told him.
He nodded. "Smart thinking. As for what to say, you'll have to play that by ear. Just be very careful. It sounds like Zack and Jesse are dangerous and now they know that you're gay, they may be more so."
"Speaking of being gay," I started, "I've been wondering why people are gay. I mean, why am I gay? Was I born this way? I've read some articles, but what do you think?"
"Well," Adam said, "I don't know if anyone knows for sure. It's actually something Steve and I have argued about." Steve nodded. "I believe you are born gay; that is genetic. I mean just look at me and Seth." And possibly Kane, I thought, but didn't say. "Steve thinks its more a matter of environment. If you've been reading articles then I'm sure you've heard both sides and I don't need to go into a lot of detail. I think we can discard the choice theory. I don't know anyone who chose to be gay."
"I sure didn't," I agreed, "I read an article this afternoon, or started it at least, that suggested that it's a mixture of both genes and environment. It made a lot of sense to me."
"I'd like to read that if you still know where it is," Steve said.
"Me too," Adam agreed.
"Sure, I book-marked it," I told them, "C'mon, I can show it to you now."
We all went up to my room and I signed on and went to the site. We all read it together and discussed it as we went. In the end we all agreed that while no one can be sure, this theory was as good as any other.
I stayed up late waiting for Kane's call, but it never came. I slept fitfully that night, worrying about Kane. Was he ok? He had sounded like it was urgent that he talk to me. I hoped nothing was wrong. In my head I knew that he probably just didn't manage to get to the phone, but that didn't stop me from worrying.
I finally dozed off after tossing and turning for what seemed like hours. I don't know how long I was asleep before he was there. I don't even know how long he was there before I noticed him. Just suddenly, there he was, on the edge of my consciousness, as if he were taunting me. As I became more aware of him he grew in clarity, although he still didn't have a face. He didn't attack me this time. He just stood there and stared at me. I don't know how to explain how I knew he was staring at me since I couldn't see his eyes I just knew he was. Somehow his staring was worse than an actual attack; like I knew he was saying he could have me whenever he wanted me. He began to fade back into the shadows and I woke suddenly, my heart pounding and feeling quite unsettled. There was no Asher to help me get back to sleep this time.
I didn't sleep much after that; I was afraid he'd come back. As a result I was tired and cranky at breakfast and my bad mood continued throughout the rest of the weekend. I stayed in my room a lot since Asher was still avoiding me and I wasn't very good company anyway. I didn't hear any more from Kane and I continued to fret about that as well. At least it helped distract me from the whole Asher thing.
Finally Monday rolled around and it was back to school. I was still thinking about Kane and Asher and found it hard to concentrate in class.
I was getting some stuff out my locker in between first and second period when Gillian Sheridan appeared at my side and leaned with her back against the locker next to mine.
"Hi, Killian," she said. Gillian, or Gilly as everyone called her, was the girl who had been after me forever. She was in my first period class this semester and except for that one incident when she cornered me in the hall I hadn't talked to her all that much this year. If I had to say one way or the other, I guess I would say that Gillian was pretty cool, I just wasn't interested in her like that. She was about the same height as me with long straight white-blonde hair, light blue eyes and just a hint of freckles across her nose. I suppose she was very pretty although I'd never really noticed before. I had always just thought of her as a pest.
"Hi, Gilly," I said with my head as far in the locker as I could get it without stepping inside.
"Uh, can I talk to you?"
"Sure."
"I mean without your head stuck in the locker."
I reluctantly withdrew my head, shut the locker and looked at her. She looked worried, or maybe just concerned.
"Are you ok, Killian?" she asked.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"You seem distracted in class this morning and, well...I've heard some stuff."
Now she had my full attention. "Like what?"
"Just...stuff," she said lamely.
The bell rang and she pushed away from the locker. "Maybe we can talk later," she said.
"What lunch shift are you on?" I asked her. She was on a different shift, but she said she thought she could meet me at mine. We agreed and we both went our separate ways.
I waited for Gilly in the cafeteria and once she got there we settled into a table off away from the main crowds.
"So what is this stuff you've been hearing about me?" I said as soon as we'd sat down.
"Well, you know I don't believe any of it, but...um...Zack and Jesse are saying that you are...um...gay," she said awkwardly.
I thought for a minute, then decided it was best to be honest. I was sick and tired of lying, to myself and to others. I took a deep breath.
"They are telling the truth for once," I said quickly and looked down at my sandwich, which I had yet to touch.
She didn't say anything for so long that finally I had to look up. She was looking at me with a curious expression on her face. I was relieved to see curiosity instead of hatred or revulsion, but this had me almost as worried.
"Is that why you'd never go out with me?" she asked finally.
I nodded, "I guess so."
"Well, at least I don't feel like a total loser now," she said and started to giggle.
I smiled at her a little, although I was still nervous.
"Killian, don't look so worried. You look like you're gonna puke. I won't tell anybody. If you wanna keep it quiet I'll even pretend to date you. It would be closest I'll ever get to the real thing."
I laughed with her this time.
"I don't know about that, Gilly," I said. Then it occurred to me that it might be beneficial when I started asking questions to have an in with some of the popular crowds. I liked Gilly well enough. Maybe I should take her up on her offer. "Can I think about it?" I asked.
"Of course," she said, "Here, I'll give you my number. Maybe we can go get dinner or something one night this week and talk about it." She scribbled her number on a sheet of paper and handed it over to me. "Call me later tonight if you want."
I thanked her and she ran off to get back to class. I sat and nibbled on my sandwich while I thought about her offer. It didn't seem to bother her at all that I was gay. I knew she had a reputation for being nice to everyone and just a good girl in general. As far as I knew, she'd only dated a few guys for very short periods of time. I would talk to Adam tonight and see what he thought about the idea of me "dating" her.
The rest of the day passed quickly and I didn't see any opportunities to talk to anyone about Seth. I wanted it to be natural when I did; so natural that they wouldn't think enough of it to mention it to the wrong person. I saw Zack and Jesse once and ducked into a classroom to avoid them. I got some funny stares, but I didn't care as long as I didn't have to deal with the dynamic duo.
I waited till after dinner to bring up the subject of Gilly with Adam. When I'd finished telling him he thought for a minute.
"If you are sure she knows what she's asking, then maybe it would be a good idea, at least until you are ready to come out to everyone. Just be careful to be very up-front with her. Sometimes girls think they can change you if they are just given a chance. Gillian sounds like a very nice girl though. She'd be a good friend if nothing else."
After we'd cleaned up the dishes I checked my mail. There was an email from Kane. It just briefly said that he was sorry he couldn't call me last week but he was still trying and that things were still bad between him and his mother. I felt so bad for him. He seemed so much younger than 15, I felt like I should protect him, but I wasn't sure from what or how I could do anything. I had enough problems of my own.
After I got off the computer, I decided to call Gilly and see if we were on the same wavelength. A man answered and called Gilly to the phone.
"Hi, Gilly. It's Killian."
"Hey! I'm glad you called," she said, and she sounded like she meant it.
"I was thinking about what you said today, about us pretending to date? Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, that's not really fair to you."
"Hey, don't worry about me. I offered didn't I? Look, I've been thinking a lot about it. When I offered it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, but now that I've thought about it, I still want to do it. I'm not really into any of the guys at school right now so its not like I'll be missing out on anyone. If something changes, we officially break-up. No biggie. I want to be your friend and this is something I can do to help you out."
"That means a lot to me, Gilly," I said, "I don't know why you are being so nice to me. I've never done anything for you. Doesn't it bother you that I'm gay?"
"Ok, look, you don't have to do anything for me, Killian. I'm not asking for anything, just your friendship. I'm not one of those Kleenex people who use you and then throw you away. And no, it doesn't bother me that you are gay. I have an Uncle Rick who is gay so I know you're not some sort of pervert or anything."
"What is it with Uncle Rick's?" I asked.
"Huh?" was Gilly's confused response.
"Asher has a gay Uncle Rick too," I told her before I thought better of it. I immediately regretted revealing Asher's personal information, but it was too late now. Gilly started laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked.
"Asher's Uncle Rick and my Uncle Rick is the same person. Asher's my cousin. I thought you knew that. His dad and my mom are brother and sister."
"I had no clue."
"Oh, well, we have a huge family. Besides my mom, Uncle Alex and Uncle Rick, there's also Uncle Ken and Aunt Judy. And that's just my aunts and uncles, not even counting all the cousins. Aunt Judy by the way is a little nutty. She thinks she's some sort of psychic or something. She says we have gypsy blood in our veins. Don't I look like a gypsy?" She started giggling again.
I heard a kid's voice in the background saying, "No, you look like Jar-Jar Binks," followed by childish giggles.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"My little brother, Jamie," she said, "He's a huge Star Wars fan. Anakin Skywalker is his hero."
"I didn't know you had any brothers."
"I have three. My older brother Todd is a senior, Jacob, or Jake as everybody calls him, is 14 and Jamie is 5."
"Wow. I didn't know that. I'm an only child."
"Yeah, I know. There're a lot of things you don't know about me. I have the advantage since I've been obsessed with you for years. Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow after school so you can meet my family? If you're gonna be my pretend boyfriend then you need to know them."
"Ok, I'll check with Adam but I'm sure it'll be fine."
"Who's Adam?"
"Adam is Seth's dad. I live with him now. My dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay."
"Oh, Killian. That's horrible. I'm so sorry."
"It's not as big a deal as it sounds. I hated him anyway. I like living with Adam. He's cool. He's more like my dad than my dad. I miss my mom, though."
"She stayed?"
"Yeah, she's afraid of him."
"Well, he is pretty influential around here."
"Yeah."
"Hey, Gill, I need to use the phone, time's up," I heard another voice say, this time a deeper male voice, not the one who had answered the phone though.
"Ok Todd, hang on," Gilly's voice was a bit muffled so she must have put her hand over the mouthpiece, then she came back again, "Hey I have to go; Todd wants to use the phone. So you'll come over tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'll try anyway."
"Ok, I'll see you in school tomorrow. Buhbye."
"Bye."
I lay back on the bed and thought for a while about what had just happened. It seemed I had gone from dating Asher (however short lived it had been) to dating his cousin...who was a girl. Curiouser and curiouser. Of course, Gilly was just a cover. I felt like a spy. Just call me Bond. Killian Bond. I giggled to myself.
I was still flopped on my bed when the phone rang in my hand. I yelped and then started giggling at myself all over again. I was still laughing when I answered the phone. By now I was in a very silly mood.
"Hello. This is Bond. Killian Bond," I said in my best English accent.
"Killian?" a shaky voice said uncertainly. It was Kane.
"Kane, hey, are you ok?" I asked in my normal voice, all silliness gone.
"No."
"What's wrong?"
"I've got to get out of here. It's horrible."
"What's horrible, Kane?"
"Mom, she watches every move I make now. I can't do anything with any of my friends. I go to school and have to come right home. At home, she never speaks to me except to scream. She's going through my stuff. I can have to sneak onto the computer or the phone. Yesterday she slapped me because she caught me on the computer trying to email you. She's never hit me before. I hate her. She lied to me about Dad, she sent Seth away. I can't stand it anymore. I'm running away. I'm coming down there."
"Kane, whoa, slow down," I said quickly. "Look, if you come down here your mom will just come get you again. You're going to have to do this the right way."
"What right way?"
"I don't know, but I know running away isn't it. What about that legal stuff you were talking about?"
"That would take too long. I want out now."
"I don't know what to tell you, Kane. Wait, hang on, lemme go get your dad," I said and I took off to the living room where Adam was reading a book.
"Adam, it's Kane and he's really upset. I think you'd better talk to him. He wants to run away."
Adam snatched the phone.
"Kane?" he said into the phone, his voice filled with tension.
He listened for a while, making comforting noises occasionally. Finally he said, "Kane, listen to me, Son. Hang in there for a few more days. I'll call my lawyer in the morning and see what's involved here. But if she hits you again, call me and I'll come get you. I don't give a damn about her lawyers. You'll be with me soon."
They talked for a few more minutes, then they said goodbye and Adam hung up.
"Thank you, Killian," he said when he'd hung up.
"For what?" I asked.
"For being there for Kane. He told me he talked to you and what you told him. You are a good friend and a good person. You've proven that I can trust you. I couldn't talk the other night when you said I was like a father to you. I was too overcome with emotion. But I want you to know, that I have come to think of you as a son as well."
I took the few steps between us in one leap and gave him a huge hug. I didn't cry though. I was getting better.
The dreams came back with a vengeance that night and I woke up in a cold sweat. It was so bad I had to go wake Adam up. He let me sleep in his bed and I finally got some rest.
I overslept a little and I was late getting to class so I didn't get to talk to Gilly until after first period. We met by the door and everyone grinned at us as they walked by.
"Does everyone know already?" I asked. It never ceases to amaze me how fast news travels in a high school.
"Yeah," she said with a grin, "I told a few people and it spread like wildfire. After the rumors that Zack and Jesse were spreading this is hot stuff." She giggled.
I laughed and she gave me a hug before running off to her next class. I was eating lunch later that day when someone sat down beside me. I looked up to find Asher sitting there with a confused look on his face. I hadn't spoken to Asher since the day Zack and Jesse tried to beat me up.
"You're dating Gilly?" he asked in an accusatory voice.
"Well, yeah, kinda," I said meekly.
"You're dating my cousin...who's a girl," he hissed the last part, leaning in towards me intensely.
"Look, Asher, its not how it seems..." I started, but he broke in.
"Then how is it? Huh? Tell me, Killian. Are you just gonna sweep through the whole family? Who's next? My brother Marc? Or maybe you'd rather go after my sister Bethany? Hell, maybe you want both of them since you can't seem to make up your mind."
"I can't make up my mind?" I was getting angry now. My voice was climbing and a few people near us glanced over at us curiously, so I made an effort to speak quieter. "Who was it that said they didn't want to ruin their precious reputation? Who was the one that backed off with us? Who was it that said they couldn't handle all this? Here's a clue; it wasn't me!"
"Yeah, well I didn't run off and start dating your cousin, who's a girl, less than a week later."
"It's none of your business who I date, Asher," I lowered my voice even more and leaned in until our noses were almost touching. He refused to back off or look away. "You had your chance and you blew it. Sorry babe."
I stood up, grabbed my backpack and walked away without looking back. I should have felt great, I'd just told Asher off, something I never did. I don't even know what came over me, it was almost like it was someone else speaking and I was just as shocked as he was at what I was saying. But I didn't feel great; I felt awful for hurting Asher. Why didn't I just tell him the truth?
By the end of the day, the whole school knew about me and Gilly. I had guys I hardly knew clapping me on the back and telling me way to go; girls who had never had the time of day for me before waving and smiling at me and calling me by name from across the hall. It was truly bizarre. Like popularity in a box, just add beautiful girlfriend.
I didn't run into Asher anymore that day, I was half hoping I would so I could apologize. I was supposed to be at Gilly's house for dinner at 5 so that gave me a couple hours to kill. I drove home, but Adam wasn't there. I found a note on the refrigerator saying he was seeing his lawyer and wouldn't be home before I went to Gilly's, but he would see me later tonight.
I made myself a light snack and was just sitting down to eat it and work on my homework when the doorbell rang. I got up to answer it. I hated that frosted door. I could never tell who was there, just shadows and movements. For a split second panic swept over me as I was reminded of my dream and I almost didn't open the door, but the moment passed and I did. I immediately wished I hadn't. There stood Zack and Jesse.