Here's Chapter 4. You're lucky my date canceled or you wouldn't be getting this now. :oP Anyway, the usual stuff applies about not reading this if you don't like gay stuff. But what the heck are you doing here then? Anyway, still no sex in this chapter so if your waiting...you'll have to keep waiting just a tad bit longer. Ok a few more chapters. But that's not what this story is all about. It will happen eventually. Hang in there. Thanks to everyone who wrote me. I appreciate the encouragement. Thanks to Dan and John for proofreading this chapter. Any mistakes are mine.
Chapter 4
I was gay.
The realization was almost overwhelming.
I was gay.
I kept repeating it over and over to myself. It didn't seem real. It couldn't be real. I couldn't be gay. And yet, now that I'd faced it and said it to myself, I knew I was.
I was gay.
But I didn't want to be gay. My parents would hate me. My friends would hate me. I mean look how everyone's treated Seth. Oh my God! What would Zack, Jesse and Asher say? Or more importantly, what would they do?
I was gay.
Did that mean I would be kicked out of my church? Only my mom and I ever went. Dad said church was for women and that's half the reason I continued to go week after week. It was one of the few things that Mom did without Dad's approval. For some reason I always felt a sense of peace there. Did God hate me? I was fuzzy on the whole religion thing. I guess I hadn't paid enough attention.
I was...
The phone rang startling me out of my thoughts. It was Asher.
"Hey Killian, dude," he started as soon as I said hello, "I called you earlier and you weren't there? Where were you?"
"I was at Seth's house," I said. My voice was still somewhat shaky.
"You were where? Are you ok? You sound funny."
"I was at Seth's house and I'm..." my voice trailed off. I was going to say I was fine but suddenly it seemed pointless to lie.
"You're what, dude?" Asher asked me, "You want me to come over?"
I couldn't face that right now. I looked like a mess and I didn't know how well I would be able to lie my way through it. Why was Asher showing such an interest in me anyway, especially now of all times? He'd never really shown that much interest in me before these last few days.
"I don't think so, Ash," I said quickly.
"No, man, you're upset, I can tell. I'll be right over." And with that he hung up.
Great, just what I needed. Since when did Asher become a nurturer? I rubbed my face to try to get rid of the tear tracks. There wasn't much I could do about the red eyes. I turned off the overhead lights and turned on my computer. Maybe if the lights were dim he wouldn't notice and the computer would give me something to do so I wouldn't have to look him in the face.
Asher only lives a few houses down from mine so he was at my house in a very short time. My mom let him in and he was at my door before I was even signed on to the Internet. He was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt and his hair was perfectly combed as always. It struck me how different he was from Seth; then I wondered why I was comparing them. Asher had a concerned look on his face.
"Hey Killian," he said, "Why's it so dark in here?" And he flipped on the light. So much for my dim lighting plan.
"Hey, Ash," I said. I was glad I had control of my voice again, "You didn't have to come over. As you can see I'm fine." I was hoping he'd take the hint and leave. Not Asher.
"I know I didn't have to. I wanted to. You're my bud." He came closer to me and peered intently at me. I looked away, but not quick enough. "You've been crying," he accused me.
"No I haven't," I lied, "I think I have allergies."
"I've known you forever, Kill, you don't have any allergies." Asher shot back. I'm very bad at lying.
"Look, Asher, I'm fine."
"What did he do to you?" Asher's voice had changed, taken on a harder tone.
"Who?" I stalled, he was making me even more nervous than I already was.
"Kermit the Frog. Who do you think? What did Seth do to you?"
"Seth didn't do anything to me," I said. My eyes shifted away. I hated lying more than anything in the world. That's why I was so bad at it. I had been known to get myself in trouble simply because I wouldn't lie.
"Did he hurt you?" Asher said as he took a step closer to me. His voice was as hard as steel now. I could feel his tension. I looked up at him, surprised by his reaction. "If he hurt you, I'll kill him." At that moment I believed him.
I couldn't take any more confusion today. It took all the self-control I could find just to keep from bursting into tears again. I took a deep breath, then another. Finally I was ready to speak. I made my voice go steely to match his.
"First of all, Seth did not hurt me. Second, why would it matter so much to you if he did? You've never paid any attention to me before. Why start now?"
Asher blinked at me, his mouth slightly open in surprise. "You're my friend, Killian. You've always been there. Whenever I've needed to talk, I always knew I could talk to you. I could never talk to Zack and Jesse like I talk to you. I know I haven't been the best friend in the world. I guess I kinda took you for granted. You were just always there. But now, Seth comes along and you're suddenly hanging out with him. And he's gay. I don't get it. I...I guess I'm kinda jealous."
Now it was my turn to stare open mouthed. "Jealous? Of what?"
"I don't want to lose you as a friend. Especially not to..."
"Don't say it," I interrupted.
We stood there staring at each other for a minute. We both jumped when a loud, deep voice shattered the silence. "Welcome." I had made it online. Almost immediately the Instant Messenger chime sounded. I glanced at the screen. The IM was from SethCon123 and the message read 'this is seth...please talk to me."
I quickly turned back to Asher, "Look, you're not losing me as a friend. Why I can't I just be friends with both of you? Why does it have to be one or the other?" Then before he could answer I rushed on, "Ash, I need some time alone right now. I'll call you later, ok?"
Asher nodded and left without saying anything else. I quickly turned back to the computer.
'how did u find me?' I typed.
'membership directory search,' he answered. 'look, i'm really sorry...i can't believe I was that stupid'
'you weren't stupid...you were right'
'WHAT?'
'you were right...i think i'm gay' There was no response for several seconds, so I typed some more, 'i'm still trying to figure everything out...i'm very confused'
'can i help?'
'i don't think so...it's something I have to figure out for myself'
'can we get together to talk later this week? i'll give u some time to think first...how about friday?'
'i dunno'
'look killian, u need to talk to somebody...if not me then find someone else.'
'ok, i'll think about it...i'm gonna go now'
'ok...bye Killer'
I signed off and shut down the computer, but stayed in front of my computer for several minutes just staring at my reflection on the blank screen.
I, Killian Travers Kendall was gay. I was a homosexual. I was attracted to my own sex. The more I said it the easier it became. But I couldn't tell anyone. I knew Seth wouldn't tell anybody, besides who would he tell? I'm his only friend. And even if he did tell, no one would take his word over mine. He was too new to the town; I'd lived here all my life. I was starting to feel a little calmer about the whole thing.
I heard dad come in downstairs and all the fear from earlier came flooding back. What if he took one look at me and knew? Seth had known. Could other people tell?
I scrambled for my book bag and dumped out the contents all over the bed. I grabbed a book at random (I think it was my history book) and opened it, pretending to read. At that moment, there was a knock at my door and it swung open. It was Dad. The knock was simply a formality and we both knew it.
"Doing your homework?" he said.
"Yup," I answered, looking up from my book.
"Good. Get it finished before you go to sleep." And he was gone, shutting the door behind him.
He hadn't noticed. He hadn't suddenly screamed at me and ordered me out of the house. I let out a shaky breath that I didn't even realize I'd been holding. What was I going to do? I felt like I had narrowly escaped this time, but what about next time? What about my friends? What was I going to do about Seth? A feeling of despair and confusion suddenly overwhelmed me. I realized how emotionally drained I was. I pushed everything of the bed and onto the floor and laid down without even taking my clothes off. I was asleep in minutes.
Surprisingly enough, I slept very well. The next day, however, went by in a blur. I couldn't tell you one thing that happened in school, except I spent most of the day dodging Seth and Asher in the halls. I didn't have any classes with Asher so he wasn't too hard, but I had theater with Seth. We spent the whole period trying hard not to look at each other. The word "torture" springs to mind.
I took off as soon as the last bell rang. I had my destination in mind. I drove straight to our church. There was one car in the parking lot, but I had no idea whose it was. I parked next to it and knocked on the office door. Pastor Mike opened it. Mike, as he liked to be called, was the associate pastor, but more importantly, he was also the youth pastor. I was relieved that it was Mike since he was pretty young, I think only in his mid-20's. He had curly brown hair and brown eyes and was even shorter than me. He always reminded me of an overgrown kid. He looked at me for a minute as if trying to remember my name.
"Killian? Right?" he said. I nodded and he continued, "What can I do for you?"
"Can I talk to you?" I asked him somewhat timidly. I don't think I had ever even spoken to him before. I was surprised he even knew my name.
"Sure," he said warmly, "Come on in."
I followed him into his office and he pointed me to a couch. He took the chair next it.
"So what's up?" he asked me once we were seated.
"I need to talk to you about some stuff," I started. He nodded as if to say 'go on', "But if I do, do you promise not to tell anybody? I mean, can I trust you?"
"Well, look Killian, it's like this. If you trust me enough to tell me, then you have to trust me enough to do what's best with what you tell me. What I mean is, if you tell me you are really depressed and you're going to kill yourself, then I'd have to tell someone to protect you. But if you just need some advice or clarification on something, then I think we should be able to keep it confidential."
I sat and looked at him for a minute weighing my options. If I talked to him, he might go to my parents. I really needed to talk to someone though, and I felt like I could trust him. He sat across from me now, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, waiting to see what I decided.
Finally I made up my mind, "Well, maybe you can answer some questions first," I started.
"I don't pretend to know all the answers, but I'll do the best I can," he said very seriously.
I nodded, "Does God hate gay people?"
Mike sat back in his chair and let out a little breath, not a gasp, almost like a hiss. "Yowzers," he said, "You sure like to start with the touchy issues don't you?"
I tried to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. He saw this and quickly moved on.
"Actually, the topic is touchy, but the answer to that one is quite simple. No. God loves gay people just as much as He loves the pastor or Mother Theresa or anybody else. But I have a feeling that's not really what you're here to ask."
"What if...what if someone in the church was gay? Would they be kicked out?"
"No, I don't know of anyone ever getting kicked out of our church. You come fairly often, Killian, think about what you see when you are here on Sunday mornings. We have a very open church. Everyone is welcome. It doesn't matter what color your skin is or what color your hair is or what you are wearing."
He was right; we had inter-racial couples, people with more metal pierced through their skin than a Volvo, people with bright cherry-red hair - and they were all accepted.
He continued, "We believe that God's love is for everyone, not just a select few. And you don't have to be "good enough" to meet His standards. He meets you where you are. Am I making any sense here?"
"I think so," I said, "so does that mean its ok to be gay? Doesn't the Bible say its wrong?"
"Killian, that's an question I don't think I can answer for you. Yes, the Bible lists it as a sin. Jesus himself never actually addressed it, but Paul does several times. But then again Paul also said women shouldn't speak in church and should never cut their hair and never wear jewelry." He shrugged, "We seem to have decided that those don't count. Who gets to decide? I don't know anymore. I'm not speaking for the church as a whole at this point, but personally I think that we need to focus more on sharing God's love than condemning people. You talk to God about that one, see what He tells you."
I sat for a minute thinking about all that had been said.
"Killian?" Mike said, interrupting my thoughts, "Do you think you might be gay?"
For a minute I froze, then slowly I nodded my head, my eyes never leaving his face. I didn't want to miss his reaction. His eyes never changed, never wavered as he looked back at me. He nodded once, then reached out a hand and rested it on my knee.
"If you ever need to talk to someone, you can come to me. And you don't have to worry, I'll keep this confidential until you are ready to tell people yourself."
I felt my whole body relax. He didn't hate me. He wasn't going to tell my parents. He wasn't going to announce it to the whole church and have me kicked out. He was going to be my friend. And that's what I really needed right now. I hadn't realized how tense I had been until it was all over.
Mike patted my knee and then sat back. "Do you have any other questions for me? I don't know, something easy maybe like why do bad things happen to good people?" Then he grinned to let me know he was kidding.
I grinned back and shook my head. "I think I have enough to think about for now, but if I think of something else, its okay if I come back?" I asked.
"Of course its okay," he said, "In fact, I really hope you do. You're a good kid, Killian. I'm glad you felt like you talk to me."
We both stood up and he walked me to the door. He waved as I pulled out of the parking lot.
Well that was one set of questions settled in my mind. Now I only had a million more to take care of.
I emailed Seth later that night asking him if I could talk to him sometime in private. I had decided that he would probably be able to answer some of my questions and it would help to talk to someone else who was gay. Mike had been a big help on the religious issue, but he wouldn't be able to shed much light on what it was actually like to be a gay teenager.
Seth had answered when I checked my account in the morning. He again suggested that we meet Friday evening at the park by the pond around 7. I replied saying that was fine with me and I would see him there. Now I only had to make it till Friday.