Hey, guys. Me again, and I hope everyone is pleased to see me. :) I only got a few emails last time, but at least it was a reaction, as opposed to no reaction, right? So I'll continue to post the story to Nifty for at least a little while longer. :) If you'd like to see the story continue, please send your sentiments to sdauson@hotmail.com. They really do make a difference.
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Author's Note: Ekk! Second post in nearly a year, and I'm already falling behind again. Three days late this time, which isn't so bad. Expect another 20kb installment in 10 days, if all goes according to plan. :) That's about all I have to say at this point. Let's move on then.
Last but not least, a big thank you to the few who wrote me over the last installment, and to those friends who have been supportive in general over the past couple of months. Thank you all so much. :)
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 14
I found it a little harder walking down that hall than I had any time previously, knowing what might await me at the end of the trek. Entering Kevin's room, however, I found him asleep. He'd obviously been up at one point in the morning already, a half eaten breakfast sat on a small table beside the bed. He must have fallen back into a state of unconsciousness sometime during the previous hour.
Figuring I was probably going to receive a mild lecture, a stern talking to, or even just another vocalization of his objections to Evan, I decided to buy myself some points by waking him gently. Walking up to him, I placed a hand on his shoulder. "Kevin?" I asked softly.
His eyes shot open, and he suddenly went into a sitting position. "I'm awake." he responded.
I couldn't help but chuckle a little. "I never doubted it."
"Ah, so Nick didn't forget to deliver my message. I was beginning to wonder. I would have come myself, but I'm not sure if Evan would be all that comfortable at the moment." he kept his eyes fixed with mine.
"Evan?" I asked. "Why would it bother Evan?"
"Didn't you tell him what I said the other night?" he looked at me, a bit puzzled. "About you and him..." he trailed off, obviously not wanting to finish his sentence.
I narrowed my eyes slightly. "I don't want to concern him with things like that. He's got enough to deal with as it is. I don't need him thinking everyone here's against him." My response was delivered deadpan, not trusting myself to attempt any inflection.
Kevin broke the stare, looking down in his lap. "Well, I guess that doesn't really matter. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway." he moved his gaze again, over to what remained of his breakfast. "The concert we have tonight," he paused. "I just wanted to know if... There aren't going to be any... problems, are there?"
"Evan said he's not going if A.J. doesn't want him there." I replied, not quite knowing what else to say.
"I didn't ask about Evan. I want to know about you."
"Maybe what's going on with Evan relates to me," I stated curtly. "Did you ever think of that?"
He looked at me, uncertainty in his eyes. Perhaps he hadn't known, couldn't have known, how close me and Evan had actually become over the past two weeks. I was forced to take note of how easy it could have been for an outsider to dismiss the relationship between Evan and I as simply a trivial affair. I'd only known Evan for such a short period of time, a length in which most people would think it to be impossible to create a meaningful connection. But I knew better.
"What are you trying to say?" he finally asked. "That if Evan's not going, you're not either?"
I sighed, long and deep. "That's not what I said, okay? It's just that..." I paused, looking away from Kevin for just a moment. "I want him there. Kevin, I need him there. Not because I'm being selfish or stubborn, but because he's a part of me now. I know you're having trouble accepting that, but it's the truth."
He blinked, not entirely sure how to respond. "I... Brian, I can't change the way A.J. feels about things. I'm not quite sure what you want me to do here."
I took a breath before I replied, careful not to let my voice crack. "Please, Kev. Talk to A.J., that's all I ask."
I couldn't stand to face Kevin any longer, to sit in his room. I'd nearly made myself cry in just a few sentences of exchange, and I didn't feel like breaking down in front of him. "Was..." I swallowed, trying to hold onto composure for just a few seconds longer. "Was that all you wanted?"
Kevin nodded ever so slightly.
So I slowly stood, breaking eye contact with Kevin and heading for the door. If there was nothing else he wanted to say, I needed to get out of there.
"Brian, wait..." Kevin called. I nearly had my hand on the doorknob by the that time. I turned around to face him, a tear escaping my right eye before I had a chance to stop it. "I'll talk to him, okay? But I can't promise anything."
I managed a weak smile before I nodded, my turn to give the silent answer. I turned back to the door, and exiting the room. I closed it behind me, making sure it shut completely. The tears didn't come as I'd expected, but I still couldn't go back to my room. Evan would get the wrong idea, me being all teary eyed. I figured it was best to maybe walk around the hotel a bit, maybe do a little reflecting on my, on Evan's situation.
I got into the elevator, and decided the best place would probably be the roof. We were in a pretty urban area, tightly packed with buildings and not much in the way of parks. I would have had to use a car to get to the nearest one in a decent amount of time. I just couldn't wander the halls, the chances that I might bump into someone were too great. There wasn't anything worth seeing on the roof, but at least I was guaranteed my privacy. I hit the button for the top floor.
Once there, it only took me a moment to find a simple steel door marked 'Roof - Hotel Employees Only', but what was the worst they could do to me for going up there? I wouldn't take that long anyway. It would only be a matter of time before someone noticed I was missing and came looking for me. Fortunately, I found the door to be unlocked, and pushed my way through it, to a small set of stairs, with another matching steel door at the opposite end.
After the near darkness of the small stairway, the rays of the early afternoon shone strongly in my face upon my entrance to the top of the building. The air still smelt crisply of the morning, and I took a deep breath to capture some of it for myself. Looking around, there were all the normal things you'd expect to find on a roof; an air conditioner every so often, maintenance doors, etc. I found a spot in the shade of one such cooling unit, and sat down, my back resting on it.
I smiled, thinking about my conversation with Kevin. Perhaps he was starting to see there was something more between me and Evan. Ever since Evan came to meet the rest of the guys, he'd been treated as nothing more than a friend of mine, at best, by everyone but Nick. That was actually what I wanted until I came out to the rest of the guys. But since then, well, it sometimes bothered me, almost as if somehow in doing so they were dismissing the relationship between the two of us entirely.
I'd gotten my point across to Kevin, or so I'd hoped. He was certainly aware that if things weren't resolved between A.J. and Evan soon, there was the possibility that serious problems could arise. More importantly, I made it clear removing Evan from the equation was not an option.
I felt a little bad, trying to have Kevin resolve my conflicts for me, but that's what he was best at. Besides, I had good reason to keep my distance from A.J. for at least a little while. We were still too angry at one another, the emotions resulting from the other nights events still too strong. Given enough time, I'm sure we would have worked it out on our own, but with a concert imminent, time was a luxury we didn't have.
Thinking about that naturally led to a train of thought regarding any outcome. How would A.J. respond to Kevin's mediative efforts? I couldn't say anything for certain, and could only hope for the best at that point. But if things didn't go as planned, would I still go without Evan? It was my last night with him, so why should I have to go perform if he's not even going to be there? The rest of the guys could always just say I was sick or something.
Deciding I'd cross the bridge when I came to it, I ran my hand over the black, tarred surface of the roof in front of me. Evan's last night with the five of us, and then he'd be back in his own home, away from me. And I'd be touring the country, away from him. The last time we were forced to part was hell. But now, we were even closer than we were, more involved. How could I possibly survive without seeing him every day?
Not liking where my thoughts were leading me, I cam to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to be alone on that roof. Time I could have been spending with Evan, but wasn't. I'd regained control of my emotions since talking with Kevin, and that was really all I'd set out to do. With the intention of going back downstairs, I got myself up, and headed back for the steel doors leading into the top floor, and from there to the elevator.
The doors opened on my floor to reveal Nick, biting his upper lip slightly. He looked mildly concerned, but upon seeing me, he smiled. "Where'd you go?" he questioned. "I asked Kevin where you were, and he said he thought you were in our room with me and Evan."
I returned the smile, stepping out of the elevator, and started moving back towards the room. He stayed at my side. "The roof," I responded simply. "I needed a little fresh air, and didn't really feel like going outside with all the people running around. You understand." I kept walking.
He nodded, but stopped smiling. "Fresh air..." he repeated, trailing off a little at the end. "Kevin didn't get you upset or anything, did he?" he stopped, putting a hand on my shoulder to convince me to stop as well.
I turned to face him, giving him another smile of my own, this time making sure it was a little more reassuring. I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Nick, sometimes fresh air just means fresh air." I took my hands off him and started walking again. "Kevin was actually a lot more receptive today. He even agreed to talk with A.J. about tonight."
Nick smiled back this time. "That's good, I guess. But what if A.J.'s still going to be a prick?"
"I honestly don't know, Nick... I just don't know." I deliberately refused to make eye contact with him. "Let's just hope that doesn't happen, though, okay?"
He simply nodded as we finally reached the door to our room. Nick entered first, myself following behind him. As soon as the door was open, I could hear that the TV was on, the quiet, high pitched hum they give off, but it seemed the mute was on. Evan lay on the bed, a smile on his face forming as he saw me enter.
"There you are," he commented. "I missed you."
I smiled, moving over to the bed to hover above him, looking down. "Where is your ice pack, young man?" It was absent from his now purple eye.
"It's cold." he smiled again. "I'll live without it, ya know."
I sighed. "Fine, but if you don't want to keep the ice on, you're on your own when it comes to explaining the black eye to your mother." I returned his smile.
"I'll just tell her I tripped or something." he stuck his tongue out at me.
I sat down on the bed next to him. "And landed on a fist-shaped rock, uh-huh." I smiled again, lying down on the bed perpendicular to him, using his chest as a pillow.
"She's gullible enough." he ran his hand through my hair. The conversation suddenly became a bit more serious than I had intended. The issue of how Evan would explain the black eye to his family had never come up before. "Besides, I've still got the whole day to come up with something better."
I smiled to myself. "Just so long as I don't get any angry phone calls sometime Tuesday night."
He laughed just a little bit. "That shouldn't be a concern, no."
Nick cleared his throat, drawing my attention away from Evan. "You two look comfortable enough on your own, so..." he scratched behind his ear for a second. "I think I'm just going to head over to Howie's room, see if he'd like to go grab some lunch. I'll talk to you guys later, okay?"
"Have fun, Nick," I said, turning my head so I could see him.
Evan's hand left my head so he could wave Nick goodbye, as he exited the room. "Bye, Nick." Evan kept his hand running through my hair for just a moment longer once Nick was gone before he spoke again. "You talked to Kevin?" he asked, almost casually.
I drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "Yeah, I did. He said he'd talk with A.J. later about tonight. He can't promise anything, though." I lifted my head off Evan's chest, and propped myself up on one elbow to look at him. "Please, Evan, just come with us tonight. Don't let A.J. decide how you spend your evening. I want you there, and I know you want to be there too."
"Brian, I thought I made myself clear earlier..." he started.
"Yeah, yeah..." I cut him off abruptly. "But that doesn't mean I can't protest your logic, does it? Kevin could do all the talking he wants, but there's no guarantee that A.J.'s going to listen."
"Can't we just wait and see?" he locked his eyes with mine. "I don't want to get into an argument with you right now, but that's where this is headed. I told you how I feel, and that's not going to change."
I looked away, down at the sheets on the bed. "Okay, I won't push it." I slid into a horizontal position next to Evan, wrapping an arm around him. "I'm sorry, babe. It's just that..." I couldn't find the words to express what I was feeling, to explain my awkward reasoning. "That..."
"It's alright, Brian." he took hold of the hand I had wrapped around his side, squeezing it. "I understand. A.J.'ll come around, I just know it, okay?"
I could only nod against him, not knowing what else to do or say. I felt so helpless, so lost with the whole situation. Kevin's disapproval, A.J.'s hatred, and Evan's stubbornness. None of which I could change, or even influence. There was nothing I could do. And it was frustrating, more frustrating than I ever thought one circumstance could be.
I tightened my grip on Evan, keeping his warm body as close as possible. The only thing I was sure of at that moment was that Evan would always be there for me. And for that time, it was a certainty. Without any proof, something inside me knew that when all was said and done, Evan would still be by my side.
Coming to accept what I now know to the be the truth, the falsehood of that previous knowledge, hasn't been easy.
There's the end of the 14th installment, folks. I hope things are shaping up in a way that's enjoyable. Take a moment and drop me a line, would you? I really appreciate it. :) As always, my email is sdauson@hotmail.com. Don't forget. :)
Like I said in the author's note, expect the next installment in ten days time. I've already got it written, so all I have to do is edit it. That shouldn't take too long... I hope. :) Anyway, it should be up to a full 20kb by the time I'm done with it.
The end of the story is still near, but it seems every time I have a list of topics to cover in an installment, I only get about half way through before I've reached 20kb. Right now, I'm looking at the final installment as being Part 17, but keep in mind that could change. :)
Anyway, that's all the talking I'll do for now. I'll talk to all of you guys later. :)
Sam