Well, here's the first post after my long break. And so I give you the fifteenth installment of my little story. If you've got feedback, I'd love to hear it. Send it to my new email address at sam.dauson@gmail.com.
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
To anyone out there who remembers me from way back when I was actually a regular around here, I just wanted to let you know that I love and miss you all. And to the Nifty readers and writers who have come to fill the places of people before, keep it up-- you might just have a big an impact on someone's life as my Nifty crew did on mine. A big thank you to those of you who wrote me over the last installment, a thanks now four years overdue. But better late than never is the theme of the evening, isn't it? :)
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 15
I held Evan closely, lying with him on the bed, and turned my attention to the muted television. It was us again, the Backstreet Boys. Some concert I couldn't even quite remember. There had been so many of them over the past couple of years. Impossible to keep a mental record of them all. He was watching the performance with the sound off.
He turned in my arms so he was facing me, placing an arm of his own on my side. "It's almost half past eleven already, Bri." he smiled. "You hungry?"
I returned the smile. "A little. Did you want to go out and grab something to eat, or order something from room service?"
"Out. We've been in this hotel all morning. I'm from Colorado, remember? I need at least a little fresh air to survive." he grinned again before taking his hand off my side, and got himself up off the bed.
I only moved into a sitting position, not quite yet ready to leave the comfort of the warm blankets, the cushiony mattress. "Where should we go?" I asked him.
"Your probably better suited to answer the question than I am. It's not often I'm in a city this size; I have no clue where we should eat, unless this city has a Double Rainbow." he smiled at me, moving about the hotel room a bit. He was anxious to get outside, it seemed.
"You know it doesn't..." I paused. "It doesn't really matter to you, does it?" I asked, grinning. "You'd be happy just as long as we're outdoors."
He only smiled in return.
"You wanna just get some SubWay then? Take it to a little park or something? I'd rather not eat where there's a lot of people, for obvious reasons." I finally got myself up off the bed, and walked over to Evan, wrapping him in my arms.
"Fine by me." he said, simply. Still smiling, he returned the hug, pressing against me, sharing his warmth with mine. He let go of me suddenly, and grabbed my hand, pulling me out the door before I had a chance to change my mind.
The park was nearly empty, save for one jogger and a dog owner or two. None looked younger than 30, so the risk seemed minimal. I pulled Evan over to an evergreen, out of sight from most of the park, and far enough from the roads so that no one could make out my face from that distance. It was a rather nice spot, actually.
Evan sat down first, setting the small bag to his right, and pulling me down to his left. He smiled, enjoying the fresh air, happy to be spending time with me. "You had the turkey one, right?" he asked, picking up the bag and fishing through it.
"Mmm-hmm." I nodded.
There weren't any markings on the outsides of the subs, and Evan obviously wasn't any good at detecting it's make by it's smell, having to unwrap mine slightly before handing it to me. I didn't mind, of course. As with most other things Evan did, I actually found it a little cute.
I unwrapped the sub sandwich the rest of the way, and, letting my hunger catch up with me a bit, began eating. SubWay food was always great, especially with all the extra cheese I'd had Evan order mine with. Evan had his sandwich in hand too, but wasn't eating it yet.
"Our last day together, isn't it?" he asked, almost as if he'd forgotten.
I nodded again, looking him in the eye. "I know. That's why I want you at that concert tonight, Evan." I paused.
"Brian, I thought we already went over this..." he started.
"Okay, okay." I gave up the subject without a fight. "I won't say another word about it."
He smiled at me, pulling out some of the lettuce from his sandwich and nibbling on it. "How long do you have before rehearsals and stuff tonight?" he asked, his smile softening a bit.
I looked at my watch, noting the time to be almost one o'clock already. "We've got about two hours left. Rehearsal starts at four, concert at seven. And if rehearsal starts at four, that means Kevin'll have us out the door by half past three, at the latest."
"He seems to control a lot of what you guys do..." Coming from someone else, the comment could have easily been meant in a different way, but it was simply idle observation on Evan's part; there wasn't any sarcasm or malice in the statement.
"He does," I replied, watching Evan as he picked apart his sandwich further. I took another bite of my own. "But it's what we need... the Backstreet Boys are no good at governing themselves." I smiled at him. "We need the leader figure."
He nodded, satisfied with the answer.
"You actually going to eat that thing, or are you just going to pick at it until it's time to go?" I asked. I let my smile turn into a grin, motioning toward his sub. He was playing with some of the cheese.
"I don't really like Sub-Way all that much." he replied. He took a big bite, though, for my sake, chewed thoroughly, and swallowed.
"You didn't mention anything back at the hotel," I pushed, watching him closely. "Why didn't you just suggest we eat some where else?"
His smile faded further, taking another bite of the sandwich, trying to prove to me it was no big deal. "I just didn't want to be... disagreeable, that's all."
I shook my head, looking down at the ground. He seemed so concerned with keeping people at ease, even at the expense of his own comfort. I wondered what he would do if I tried to start a fight with him. He would try to avoid it, maybe even if it meant saying he was in the wrong and apologizing.
As I thought about it, it started to bother me a little. He needed to be able to stand his ground, to defend himself, and to know when he was right and when the other person was wrong. His confrontation with A.J. had surprised me muchly because of that; A.J. had been yelling at him, and to my surprise, Evan had been yelling right back. And he got a fist in the face for it. Maybe that's why he'd gone back to peacekeeper mode.
I took hold of his hand, squeezing it in mine. "You shouldn't be so concerned with things like that." I sighed. "You can't go around trying to keep everybody happy. Problems and disagreements are part of life; they happen, like it or not. Avoiding them isn't the answer, addressing them is."
"Is this because I don't like my sandwich?" he asked. He wanted to smile, it was obvious. He wanted to turn this into a more casual conversation, evade whatever dispute he saw forming. But he knew better. I had come back with too much weight in my voice to simply be replying to his comment about not wanting to be disagreeable. He could tell that this was about more than his sandwich.
"You know it's not just that." I squeezed his hand again. "You've been trying to blame yourself for everything bad that's happened these past few days. That's not right, Evan. You're not always at fault. Sometimes things are unavoidable. Trying to look the other way, take the blame, pretend things are okay, it doesn't solve anything." I shook my head. "That's why staying home tonight, staying away from A.J. isn't going to do anyone any good."
He was listening intently, those gears were working in his head again. Perhaps I was the one responsible for the end of our relationship, more than anyone else. I was the one who put those thoughts in his head. Perhaps if they weren't there to begin with, things would have turned out differently. Maybe if I'd kept my mouth shut, he'd still be by my side. It's impossible for me to know for sure.
"Promise me you're not going to do that anymore, Evan." I looked him firmly in the eye.
He searched my face for a moment, either unsure of how to respond, or unwilling. He looked down to the ground, to his half eaten sandwich which he's set on the empty Sub-Way bag. "I promise, Brian."
I smiled, but he didn't. It was a victory for me, but a defeat for him, it seemed. But as I sit here now, recalling those events, I become more and more certain it was that same victory that was more or the less the reason for what happened. The reason Evan made the decision he did. Or maybe it was just the excuse he needed.
I sat and finished off the last of my sub, still smiling at getting Evan to promise me he wouldn't be such a pushover anymore. His sandwich was still only half eaten, but we were in no hurry yet, so I was content to sit and watch him eat. I probably would have found it a little disturbing had our roles been reversed, if he were staring at me while I ate, but he didn't say a word. He kept eating, back to picking at it more than eating whole bites, taking at least part of what I'd said to heart.
"You're not going to finish that, are you?" I finally asked with a smile, eventually finding myself unable to wait for him to finish it alone. "Do you want some help? Mine seemed a lot smaller than six inches for some reason."
He smiled back. "I was wondering when you'd ask."
"It's too bad we can't just spend the afternoon here." Evan said as we walked back to the car. He stayed close to my side, but not so close as to draw second looks from anyone.
"Each minute we're out here, babe, my chances of being recognized become greater." I motioned around the park, indicating the growing number of people. "And then we'd have no time to be alone together today." I felt bad for keeping him locked up in the hotel room all the time, but that's basically what I had to do.
"I know, I know," he replied, "I understand."
I didn't speak for a moment, just kept walking, facing forward, not wanting to turn to look at Evan, to see the disappointment I knew was in his eyes. "I'm sorry." I said simply.
"Don't be." he kept his pace, not saying another word.
We got to the car safely without being noticed by anyone, fortunately. The drive back to the hotel was silent, my mind being occupied with thoughts of Evan, and his most likely with thoughts of me. Things that we didn't want to concern each other with, not yet, at least, but both felt the need to mull over.
Returning to the hotel, we found Nick and Howie had returned, but that A.J. and Kevin were now absent. We were going to lunch in pairs that day, it seemed, and all at different times. It worked out well, though, all things considered. I didn't particularly care to talk to A.J. or Kevin just yet. I knocked on the door to Howie's room, hearing both him and Nick inside.
Nick answered it a second later. "Hey, B." he greeted me. "Evan. You guys back already?" he asked.
"Yup." I smiled, placing a hand on Evan's shoulder. "We ate fast."
"Well, you guys are welcome to come in, I figured you might have wanted some time alone with Evan in your room, but if not, we certainly wouldn't mind you two hanging out in here." he stepped out of the doorway, and motioned for Evan and I to enter.
I waved to Howie as I walked into his room, unable to help but feel like I was intruding on his personal space. He'd expressed the least amount of opinion regarding my homosexuality, and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't know how he felt about me, and I just couldn't find myself at ease in the same room, having to guess what he was thinking.
He was watching the television, and didn't notice me pull Nick close to me. "Nick... you've been spending the day with Howie," I asked as quietly as I could. "How does he feel about... well, you know."
He smiled at me. "He's fine with it, B. That's what we've been talking about most of the day, to be honest. He's got no problem with you or Evan. He'd prefer to keep his distance from the whole A.J. situation, though."
"I would too if I had the choice." I smiled back at him, pleased that I had one more person on my side, so to speak.
Deciding I'd better make sure for myself, I thanked Nick, and walked over to Howie's bed, where he was lying down. "Hey, D." I said as I approached. I sat down on the bed next to him.
"Hey, Bri. What's up?"
I leaned in close, like I'd done with Nick. This time, it was Evan whom I didn't want to overhear. I can't give you a concrete reason, it just seemed like a logical thing to do, fitting in the 'not wanting to concern him with such matters' category.
"Is everything still alright between us?" I asked, purposefully letting the smile drop from my face. "You haven't said much about yesterday, ya know."
"Yeah..." he replied. "I think that's just 'cause I don't have a whole lot to say." he smiled at me. "However you want to live your life is fine by me. Everything's still alright between us, Brian. Don't worry about it."
I grinned in return. "Excellent."
I got up off the bed, walking over to where Evan was still standing. Nick had grabbed the only free chair in the room, leaving Evan to remain upright. "What, you don't want to sit on Nick's lap?" I asked him, smiling.
Evan smiled back. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not." he looked over to Nick. "Sorry, Nicky."
Nick sighed, feigning disappointment. "I'll live."
I took a seat on Howie's bed, making sure to leave Howie plenty of room to himself. I patted the section of bed beside me, motioning for Evan to sit as well. He smiled, and did as he was ordered.
"Don't tell me you two have been watching television all day." I asked Howie. Evan kept quiet, himself still perhaps unsure of how Howie felt.
"No, just most of the day." he turned to smile at me.
I put my arm around Evan, pulling him against me, if nothing more than to show him that Howie was alright with the two of us, in my own subtle way. He returned the gesture, hugging back quickly.
"Aren't they cute, Howie?" Nick was grinning at the two of us.
Howie smiled back at Nick, then at me. "Meh... I've seen cuter."
I was just about to pick up one of the pillows on the bed to smack him, when we heard the soft 'ding' of the elevator doors opening. Kevin's muffled voice could be identified, though what he was saying was indecipherable. Him and A.J. had returned from their lunch, and it was time to find out whether or not A.J. would see reason. Whether or not Evan would be coming to the concert tonight. Whether or not things would work out for Evan and I, and for the Backstreet Boys.
And so ends the 15th installment. If you would like to send me feedback on it, I now have a new email address, sam.dauson@gmail.com (unlike my old Hotmail account, this account will remain active even if I don't check it for a few weeks, which may have been a problem for anyone trying to get in touch with me over the last four years). All email, be it about the story or if you just want to say 'hi,' is always appreciated. :)
Take care all, Sam