Hello, everyone. :) I've got the 16th installment here and ready for you to read. I hope you'll enjoy it. If you have any feedback to give, it'll earn you my undying love. Send it to sam.dauson@gmail.com.
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Author's Note: The sixteenth installment, along with the fifteenth, was entirely completed nearly four years ago. I've skimmed the installments, but other than that, the editing was minimal. You have been warned. :)
And as always, a huge thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me and my writings, past, present and future.
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 16
"Now what?" Nick turned to me, asking his question in a semi-hushed voice, so as not to be overheard by either A.J or Kevin as they approached.
I had known that I would have to confront A.J. sooner or later, and a part of me even wanted to. I wanted this tension to be done away with, the situation was in desperate need of resolution. I didn't want Evan in the middle of this for any longer than he had been already. And the next move was mine to make.
But I wasn't ready. As much as I wanted to, as much as I needed to, I simply wasn't prepared to do anything at that point. Ready or not, though, A.J and Kevin had already returned, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
"Brian?" It was Nick again. "What now?"
I sighed, looking at Evan, mentally taking some of the calm strength he seemed to have in such abundance. I stood from my sitting position slowly, deliberately. "Now, I go and talk to A.J. and Kevin." Evan started to stand as well, but before he could get a word out of his mouth, I added, "Alone."
He looked at me for a second, not sure whether or not he could trust my judgment, before finally deciding he could. He nodded, and sat back down. I opened the door and left the room before he had time to give it any more thought.
I still had so much hostility inside me, resentment for A.J. and what he had done. But I had to make this work, for Evan. Things had to be resolved, and this was the only way to achieve that. As I'd told Evan less than an hour earlier, confronting problems was the only real way to make any progress.
A.J. and Kevin had stopped in the hall, talking about something that didn't concern anyone but them when I left the hotel room. Both became quiet when they heard Howie's door click shut, and saw me standing there. I tried to keep my face neutral; I didn't want to put any more hostility into the situation than was already present.
A.J. and Kevin were still frozen; it was up to me to take those steps to close the gap between us. My feet felt as if they were made of lead, and my legs of rubber. It was only 5 or so full steps to make, but they were the hardest five paces I had to make in my life. Surprising even myself, I made them regardless.
I didn't even get a chance to speak before Kevin stepped forward, pulling me with him until A.J. was several feet behind us. I simply looked up at him, waiting for the answer to the question he knew I was asking.
"We need to talk." he started. "In my room, okay?"
I shrugged. "Fine by me." I tried not to act worried, tried not to let my emotions get the better of me, but the fact that he wanted us in his room scared me, to be honest. It meant that he couldn't just smile and say things were going to be okay, which was what I had been hoping... hoping against hope for.
He looked past me to Howie's closed door. "You should bring Evan too, Bri. This does involve him as well, after all."
Again, involving Evan was exactly what I had been trying to avoid. "Kev, I really don't want him there."
He stared at me for just a second. "Look, if he doesn't want to be there, I'm not going to make him, but this is more about Evan and A.J. than it is A.J. and you. I don't think it's your call here."
I sighed, knowing I was defeated by his logic. He was right, and I was only trying to shield Evan, to protect him from the conflict. And as much as I wanted to, I knew I shouldn't. "Alright, your room, two minutes, okay?"
He nodded in return. "And me and you don't talk. Like I just said, this is between A.J. and Evan. I'm there to support A.J., and you're there for Evan. That's it." He turned back in A.J.'s direction before I had a chance to reply. I moved back for Howie's room, slipping in the door swiftly and quietly.
It seemed not a single word had been exchanged since I left. Everyone stayed exactly as I had left them. "Back already?" Howie asked.
I gave him a strange smile. "I wish." I turned to Evan. "Kevin asked that we go together."
He grinned, satisfied, it seemed. His smile seemed out of place, considering the mood, but it was a welcome sight. He had a beautiful smile, and I'd never be one to complain for being subjected to it. He stood from his chair, and came over to me, picking up my hand as he stood beside me.
I opened the door again, the both of us turning to leave.
"Guys," Howie called from behind us. I turned my head over my should. "Good luck." he smiled. Nick gave me a thumbs up sign, a smile of his own plastered on his face. He could be such a dork sometimes. A sweet dork, but a dork none the less.
"Thanks, guys." With that, me and Evan left the room, still holding hands. The hall was empty, Kevin and A.J. already back in Kevin's room, waiting.
I crossed the hall and knocked once, to which the door opened silently. I pushed it open further, wide enough for me and Evan to get through, careful not to let go of his hand.
A.J. was at the window, he didn't turn to look as me and Evan entered the room. Kevin was on the bed, resting his hands in his lap. "Hey, Brian, Evan." he greeted us both, waving his hand at the empty chairs around the small table of his room.
I sat down, and Evan followed close behind. Our hands still remained locked. We weren't going to let anything break us apart. Not then, at least. Not by the doings of A.J. or Kevin.
I focused my gaze on Kevin, expecting him to start, but it was A.J. who spoke first, still facing the window. "Evan," he paused. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was an ass to you the other night at dinner, I'm sorry I yelled at you, and most of all, I'm sorry I hit you." He took a deep breath as he finished.
"Is that all?" Evan returned. His hostility startled me. There was an edge there I'd never heard him use before. I realized then that the conflict was between Evan and A.J. after all, that Kevin was right. I couldn't shield Evan and resolve the situation at the same time.
A.J. finally turned around to face Evan and I. He looked tired, worn. "That's all I can offer, Evan. My apologies, a thousand times over if necessary." he dared not approach any closer.
I looked to Evan, the ball was in his court again. I think he suddenly felt a little selfish, as if A.J. was trying his hardest to resolve things, and he was just sitting there, being bitter about it all. Evan looked down into his lap. "No, no. It's okay, I understand." he almost mumbled, but his words were clear enough for everyone present to hear.
I caught Kevin's smile out of the corner of my eye. A.J. just nodded, perhaps fearing a smile might be pushing his luck with Evan. And me, well, for the first time in two days, ever since I'd come out to my bandmates, I felt totally and completely relieved. There was mending to be done yet, but the worst part, the first step, was over and done with. And I couldn't have been happier for it. I let Kevin's infectious smile wash over me, squeezing Evan's hand.
A.J. spoke again. "Will you come to the concert tonight, Evan?"
Evan looked up from his lap, back to AJ. That was what he had been waiting to hear, what he really wanted from this. The one thing he must have felt showed things were alright between them, for at least a little while. He simply nodded in reply, an ever so faint smile forming on his face.
Kevin stood and came to stand beside me. "I think we should give them a couple of minutes alone together, B. Just to be safe."
I nodded, knowing that there were some things I just wouldn't want to say to A.J. with others in the room, had I been in Evan's place. I got up from my seat, and me and Kevin proceeded to exit the room.
Kevin waited until we had put significant distance between us and his room, confident we were out of their earshot and vice versa, to speak. "That went well," he said, smiling.
"Not to try and push things or anything, but A.J.'s apology sounded a little rehearsed, you know?" I questioned passively.
Kevin nodded. "It was, to some extent. But I'm pretty sure he genuinely means what he said. There's still some hostility there, but he knows that this is what has to happen; that if the Backstreet Boys are going to survive, he needs to buckle down and admit he was wrong, even if he doesn't believe it."
"I don't think Evan's one to hold much of a grudge," I replied. "Rehearsed or not, he'll listen to what A.J. is saying."
Kevin simply nodded again.
"Kev..." I paused. "Thanks for talking to A.J., you know?"
He nodded again, "I know, B. It's obvious that he's..." Kevin paused, looking for an appropriate word. "...special to you. I can't deny that, not anymore."
I shook my head, not because he wasn't speaking the truth, but because he didn't have the entire truth. He didn't know... he couldn't know just how involved me and Evan were. And I realized then and there that I shouldn't keep such information from him any longer. If I ever wanted him to accept me and Evan, he had to know the truth. A lie by omission is still a lie in my book.
"Kev..." I paused, trying not to be too blunt in my choice of words. "It's more than just 'special' between us, you know?"
"I know, I know..." he took the comment at face value, not giving it a second thought. "You say you're in love." he tried not to be too callous in his remark, but wanted to make it clear that he doubted my feelings.
I wasn't going to let it get to me, though. My feelings were my own, and I was under no obligation to have him give them any sort of validation before they became authentic. He wouldn't doubt it anymore, not after what I'd said what I had to say. He couldn't doubt it anymore.
"Think more special, Kev." I paused. "We've..." That's when I froze. I couldn't force the words out of my mouth for anything in the world. This just wasn't the right time, I couldn't see Kevin reacting positively to it. I would tell him... someday, when it was right, or when it was necessary. But not now.
"I'm sorry, Bri." he said, not knowing I was going to say anything more. "I'm trying to understand, here. I guess it just hasn't sunk in. Just give me a little time, okay?" He looked at me, hopeful, yet apologetic.
I smiled and nodded, pleased that I came so close to telling him that Evan and I had been intimate, but then managed to back out of it at the last minute, and get away with it. "I understand." I paused to look behind us, at the door to Kevin's room. "You think they've had enough time?"
"They'll be done when they're done, Bri." Kevin replied. "Don't rush things here... let's just head back to Nick and Howie. They'll join us when they're ready."
I sighed, not entirely comfortable with just leaving the two with alone without time limits, but decided there wasn't really a better way to go about things. Kevin knew best, which was usually the case. So, my objections overruled, Kevin and I moved back toward Howie's room. Kevin opened the door, but I entered first.
"Where's Evan?" Nick asked, as soon as he saw he was absent.
Kevin answered before I could. "With A.J., talking. They have some things to work out on their own."
Nick gave me a concerned look, silently asking if I thought that was proper. I could only nod my head in agreement with Kevin, and if necessary, I would explain further later.
"We were there for the beginning, though," Kevin continued. "and I think the worst is over, at least. Just give them time, let them work their problems out on their own."
"Evan's coming to the concert tonight," I butted in, speaking more to Nick than anyone else. He smiled in return.
"As is A.J.," Kevin added, perhaps fearing that if Evan had come to the concert without resolving anything between him and A.J., A.J. would have refused to go.
"So, quick sum up?" Howie asked Kevin.
"Quick sum up: We're on the right track here. The first steps toward improving the relationship between A.J. and Evan have been made, and with a little luck, it won't be a problem anymore." he smiled as he said the words, pleased that he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do.
"Good," Howie replied simply. Nick continued to smile.
"Speaking of the concert," Kevin turned to address me, "I hope you all enjoyed your free time today, 'cause it's time to go back to work. We've got rehearsal," he paused to glance at his watch. "In 40 minutes."
"Already?" I questioned, knowing full well that it was indeed time to leave. I put on my best pouting face. "Aww, Kev... do we hafta?"
He nodded. "You had better go get ready, as soon as Evan and A.J. are done, we're out of here." he turned to face Howie and Nick. "Same goes for you two, so get moving."
"We're ready, we're ready." Nick answered.
"Me too," I chimed in. There really wasn't much to 'being ready'. I suppose all it meant was that you were fully clothed, looked decent, and weren't occupied doing something else. I'd showered that morning, and was reasonably sure the others had done the same.
"Well, I guess we're just waiting on A.J. and Evan, then." With a small sigh, he grabbed the one empty chair and sat, leaving me with nowhere to sit. I probably wouldn't have even if there was a free seat; I was too nervous. Evan and A.J. sure were taking their time.
I needed not worry, though. It was less than five minutes before we heard a knock on the door, and Evan and A.J. rejoined the rest of the group. The first time since the previous nights dinner that the six of us had all been together, I noted. And this time, the atmosphere was very much more relaxed.
"We're back," A.J. announced with a smile. Evan moved away from the doorway to come and stand beside me, taking my hand in his own.
"And just in time," Kevin replied, standing. "We've got to get going, remember?" he pointed to his watch. "Rehearsal?"
"I know, I know. I'm ready, don't worry about it."
"Me too." Evan said from beside me.
Nick, Howie, Kevin, and I all turned to look at him in surprise. "What?" he asked, smiling innocently. "I'm not welcome?"
Nick smiled at him. "Of course you're welcome. It's just that a few minutes ago we weren't sure you'd be coming to the concert, much less the rehearsal."
I let go of Evan's hand, wrapping my arm around his shoulders, giving him a squeeze. "You're coming then?"
"You can thank A.J.," he replied. "He talked me into it."
"Is that so?" Kevin asked, turning a smile on A.J., who simply blushed slightly in response. "Well, what are we waiting for then, everyone? Down to the Suburban, let's move!" he jumped up from his seat, and opened the door, hurrying each of us out of the room.
We were all out of the hotel and into our communal vehicle, another Chevy Suburban, not wasting any time at all. We'd done this all a million times before, or so it had seemed. Evan didn't slow us down a bit, just staying close to me and matching my pace.
A driver was already there waiting for us, there always was. I could understand having someone who knew what they were doing appointed to drive our tour busses, but the five Backstreet Boys all knew how to drive. I usually wouldn't mind, but this time, I would have preferred a little privacy. I knew full well, though, that what management said usually went, and it wasn't much use to argue over something so trivial.
Kevin and A.J. sat in the middle row, Nick and Evan sat in the rear window seats, myself left in the middle. The poor driver was left all alone in the front seat. He didn't look like he minded terribly, though. He'd been our driver a few times before, but I couldn't remember his name. I felt kind of bad.
Our driver started the car. "We're set, right?" Kevin asked a final time, turning back to face the three of us behind him.
"Yup," Nick replied with an enthusiastic nod. Evan and I just smiled at him.
He turned back to face the front, and leaned forward, so that he could be sure the driver would here him. "We're ready, then, Dave." he said. Dave smiled, and put the Suburban into reverse.
When I was confident Dave was giving most his attention to the task of driving, I took hold of Evan's hand. "I'm glad you decided to come," I said. "A.J. really talked you into it, huh?"
He nodded, smiling. "He did."
I smiled in return. "I hope you just don't get to bored... we won't be able to spend much time with you, I'm sorry to say."
"I know," he replied. "I'll be okay, though. It'll be fun to watch. It's certainly better than spending the same time alone in that awful hotel room." he turned another smile on me.
"Hey!" I protested, "That's a five star hotel."
"Whatever," he grinned. "They could have at least had a hot tub in the room, or something."
I gave his hand a squeeze. "I'll see what I can do next time, babe." I turned, smiling at him again, but was greeting with that look of pensive uneasiness. "You okay, Evan?" I asked quickly. I should have seen the real reason for it. He wasn't planning on there being a 'next time'.
He suddenly smiled, as if snapping out of a daze, and shook his head. "I'm fine, Brian." he looked at me for a second, and could tell I wasn't satisfied with the answer. "Just thinking of my family back home," he added.
I nodded, slowly letting the smile come back to my face. I couldn't keep a serious visage with him grinning like that. It was just too strong to resist. I believed him at the time. I hadn't had any reason to suspect otherwise, after all. Even if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to believe it.
There wasn't much talking in the back row the rest of the trip. A.J. and Kevin chatted nearly the entire way to the venue, but it seemed Nick had nothing to say, and I was content just to hold Evan's hand.
Finally reaching our destination, we filed out of the Chevy and into the large building. It was routine, by that point. We'd probably performed at this same stadium on our last tour, the first major U.S. tour, if I remember correctly. We were shown into a good sized room, and left with one of our vocal trainers, and one of our choreographers.
Evan didn't require much in the way of explaining... Kevin just told the two instructors he was a personal friend of the group who they had invited to sit in. The coaches wouldn't have cared if Evan was a mime who had come to practice his own routine, as long as he didn't interfere with anything we were doing. He found a chair, and was happy just to sit and watch us for a while.
We went through our routines, warmed up a little. The same things we'd done over and over again. The usual, I'd say. Evan got up for some water, I'd assumed, and came back with some candy once, obviously having found a snack machine. Other than that, he stayed with us the full three hours we were rehearsing, watching attentively.
The concert came and went with the same familiarity... the process was burned into my brain, and I knew the songs and dances well enough to go through the whole act without any real thought. The crowed loved it, as they always did, even there was nothing particularly special about the performance.
In two hours, it was all over, though, and the fans were already staring to leave. I imagine it was nearly bed time for half the audience. Time to say good bye to Evan as well. His plane left in half an hour.
I jumped in the shower before anyone else could, but they understood completely. I usually like to take my time, but I knew I had to get Evan to the airport on time, so I only ended up taking about ten minutes. I apologized to Kevin for not being able to stay around for the small meet and greet, of which only a few fans were supposed to attend. I felt bad about it, but Evan came first.
So, in just a little over 15 minutes time, Evan and I were in back in the Suburban, pulling out of the parking lot. I'd come back to pick the guys up after I'd dropped Evan off at the airport, maybe even say 'hi' to those at the meet and greet if I made it back in time.
I couldn't help but be reminded of the first time we'd made this same trip, back in Colorado. It was hard to believe that it was just a little more than a week ago. He meant so much to me already. Before I knew it, though, we were at the terminal. The same airport he'd arrived in two nights ago.
"You've still got that cell phone, right, babe?" I blinked back tears, grateful Evan couldn't see past the sunglasses I had on.
"Of course, Bri." He smiled at me, trying to hold back tears of his own. He cared about me, that much was for sure. To this day, I think he still does. "Call me as soon as you can, okay?"
"I intend to."
I pulled him into a hug, holding Evan closely against me, but he suddenly seemed a little preoccupied. If only I could have known what with at the time, maybe I could have avoided getting quite so hurt in what was then my near future. "I'm going to miss you so much, Evan."
He finally hugged back. "I'll miss you too, Bri." And with that, he separated himself from me, and was gone. For the second time in just two weeks, he was forced by circumstance to walk out of my life, and I was left alone. Again.
That's the end of the 16th installment, everyone. If you have anything to say, send it to my inbox at sam.dauson@gmail.com. I will, as always, be forever grateful.
Sam