Well, I'm back again, and I bring with me another installment. :) Not quite as many emails this time, but by now, it doesn't really matter any more. I think I'll be continuing this story regardless. You should still write to me, though. :P Send any of your comments, feedback, or suggestions to sdauson@hotmail.com. I'll keep an eye on my inbox. :)
Now remember, this story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading such material, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Authors Note: Well, this installment is a two or three days late again. I'm sorry, but I work as fast as I can. Maybe next time I'll meet the two week deadline. :) Anyway, this installment is a little shorter than usual, and again, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it came out. In the future, though, I've decided to keep most installments at around 20kb, and with a common interval of about, note the about, two weeks. I can't seem to get myself to write more than that per installment, and I like regularity. What more can I say? :)
Again, before I get to the actual story, I would like to thank everyone who's written me, (and everyone who will write to me). All of your suggestions and comments have helped me to shape this story, and I thank you for that. Special thanks go to Seth, who's sent more mail to me than everyone else combined! I recommend you check out his story, 'Common People', along with 'Studio in the Country' by Mike, and of course, 'Brian and Me' by DLS.
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 4
We sat in silence for a minute or so before I finally spoke. "That's sweet," I said, wrapping my arms around his mid-section, feeling his warmth, the steady rise and fall of his chest. This was definitely what I'd felt lacking from my life earlier. I didn't know how, but I was sure of it. Someone to hold in my arms, someone to be with. That's what I wanted, that's what I needed.
"How about you?" he asked with a mischievous smile, as he turned around to face me. "Which one's your favorite?"
I pretended to ponder the question for a moment, before finally answering. "I'd have to say Brian too." I smiled. "I think he's drop dead gorgeous." I looked him straight in the eye, grinning like an idiot, anticipating some remark about how full I was of myself.
"I'd have to agree." he said simply, still looking at me.
The attitude in the room suddenly became a little more serious, the sincerity of what he'd said evident. He was attracted to me, and I was certainly attracted to him. It may sound corny, but something at that moment told me we were meant to be together, every fiber of my being told me so.
I simply smiled and turned my attention back to the TV, hugging Evan a little tighter as I did so. My thoughts again turned to my inevitable departure tomorrow. I was leaving, there was no way around that, and I was pretty sure Evan couldn't come with me. I'd been thinking about it all day yesterday, and remembered my little shopping trip. I'd figured we could at least stay in touch... I didn't want to go through his parents, it might raise some sort of suspicion, so I'd picked up a cell phone for him.
He was still sitting next to me, his head on my shoulder, when I returned to the present. I smiled at the television, still showing the concert from about a year ago. It was the only time I ever managed to forget all my problems, when I was up on stage. Whenever I was performing, nothing else mattered, I would just let myself go. I loved doing what I did, and it was probably the only thing that had kept me from spiralling into some sort of depression over these past few months.
My shoulder was starting to get a little sore, I realized. It probably wasn't to comfortable for Evan either, all things considered. "Maybe we should lie down," I suggested. He lifted his head. "My shoulder is kind of getting sore." I gave him a smile.
"Okay." He said with a smile of his own.
As soon as he had removed his head from my shoulder, I stood and walked around to the side of the bed. From there, I was able to lie down stretched out on the bed with my head comfortably supported by the two pillows. Evan got up to do the same, but found there were no pillows left for him.
He looked pretty helpless standing there. It seemed he found pillows as much of a necessity as I did. Personally, I couldn't stand sleeping without a pillow. Suddenly, the helplessness vanished, and was replaced by a devious smile. He quickly hopped onto the bed, and moved over until he was right at my side, at which point he put his head on my chest, using me as his human pillow.
"Comfortable?" I asked him.
"Yup. You took all the pillows, so I had to find my own." He had aligned himself so that he was lying almost parallel to me, facing the TV, which was on commercial again at the moment. "I hope my head isn't too heavy." he said with what I'm sure was a grin.
I didn't say anything, but instead lightly ran my hand through his blonde, almost golden hair. He seemed so happy, just to be in my company, and the reverse was true as well. Despite all the doubts I'd been having, this just seemed so right. Everything about Evan and me felt so... so natural, like this was meant to be.
I continued to run my hand through his hair as gently as I could as we sat and watched the last half hour of the Backstreet Boys concert, our concert. In a just a few hours, I'd be back with Nick, Kevin, AJ, and Howie. It had been several days since I had seen them last, and I kinda missed 'the guys'.
How could I just up and leave Evan, though? I'd thought about what I was getting myself into, but what was I getting him into? I felt like I was allowing him to get attached to me, when I know perfectly well I had to leave in less than a day. What did that say about me, and more importantly, where did it leave Evan?
I didn't want to think about it at that time, even if I needed to. I was happy, and thinking always seemed to mess that up. I stopped stroking his head, and put my arm around Evans shoulder, across his chest. I hugged him tightly against me. I didn't want to ever have to let him go. I knew I had to, but that didn't at the moment. It seemed nothing else in the world did right then, a second of complete bliss, but gone again in the blink of an eye.
By now, it was a little past 7 o'clock. We should have gone to get something to eat an hour ago, but I suppose neither one of us had been hungry enough to notice. "Evan?" I asked, wondering if he'd fallen asleep on me for the second time in two days. Apparently, he hadn't. He sat up to look at me with a smile. "We haven't eaten yet, you know," I said, returning his smile. "Anywhere in particular you'd like to go?"
"Naw... wherever is fine, Brian."
"Mmmkay." I replied, still smiling. "I've always been partial to Taco Bell, as a matter of fact."
"Sounds good." he said.
With Evan giving me superb instructions on how to get to the nearest Taco Bell, we made the quick trip to their drive through, ordered our food, and managed to get back to the hotel all within 20 minutes time. Fortunately, the attendant had been some 40 something guy who wouldn't have recognized me in a million years.
I had ordered myself a bean burrito and a taco, and Evan got himself two chicken soft tacos. As soon as we re-entered the room after we had returned, we sat at the small table of the hotel room and began to eat our food. With a heavy heart, I forced myself to speak first.
"I have to leave tomorrow, you know..." I said. I didn't want to go into this now, but it was something that couldn't wait till morning. I probably should have told him even earlier. He must have known I'd have had to leave sooner or later, but he didn't know it would have to be tomorrow.
Evan looked down at his food. "I figured you'd have to leave soon." he said. "I... I don't want you to go." he looked back up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. How could I just up and leave him? How could I abandon him?
"I don't want to go either, Evan..." I started. "But, I have to. It's my job."
He just nodded, and continued eating. We ate the rest of our meal in silence, looking up at each other every once and a while, but not saying anything. We had finished off the last of the food about 10 minutes later. As soon as I had finished, I got up and made my way back toward the bed. It wasn't long before Evan joined me.
The Backstreet Boys concert had ended, so we turned off the television. I got into the bed and under the covers, and Evan came to rest directly to my right. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him tight against me. He snuggled up against my chest, his head against my heart. I could feel his warm, shallow breath as he slowly breathed in and out.
Several seconds passed between us, in each others arms, enjoying each others presence, without any movement from either of us before Evan finally spoke.
"This is pretty comfortable." Was all he said.
"I'd have to agree." I ran my right hand up and down a small portion of his back.
I suppose it had been a long day for the both of us. We fell asleep in each others arms just like that, at no later than eight o'clock. Perhaps it was just that we were too comfortable not to sleep. The apprehension between the two of us was gone, completely. I felt so relaxed, so at ease in his arms. Like nothing in the world could annoy or agitate me, as if I were oblivious to the world around me.
I slept better that night than I had in years. Maybe it was something about having a warm, human body next to me, but I couldn't be sure. I woke up early to find the curtain over the large main window in the room starting to glow with the light of the rising sun. Evan was still asleep, his head still buried in my chest. I bent my neck and kissed the top of his head. His soft hair tickled my lips ever so slightly.
"Mmmm." Came the reply, a gentle sort of moan. I suppose he wasn't ready to wake up just yet. I smiled as I set my cheek on top of his head. He caught me a little by surprise when he spoke. "You awake, Brian?" he asked, not moving his head. His warm breath felt good on my chest, and I realized it was rather cold in the room.
"Yeah, just woke up." I replied. "How long have you been up?"
"About 15 minutes, I think." he said. He drew in a long breath, and slowly exhaled. "What time do you have to leave?" he asked with an overtone of disappointment in his voice.
I felt so torn. On the one hand, here was Evan. He seemed so perfect for me. If I ever believed that I had a destiny, I would have thought it involved Evan. It was something about him, about who he was. He just felt so right for me. And then there was my career. My singing was my entire life, how could I give that up? I wanted so badly to have them both, but at the moment, that wasn't a possibility.
"I have to be down at the airport no later than nine, so I guess I'll have to leave about 8:30." I said.
He didn't respond, but instead tried to bury his head deeper into my chest. A second later, he spoke. "I'll have to be at school before then." he paused. "I... I'm... really going to miss you, Brian." he said with a sort of forced calm.
"I know, I know..." I soothed, stroking his head a little. "I'm going to miss you too. That's why I got you something." I said smiling, as he looked up at me. Still fully dressed, I separated myself from Evan, got up from the bed, and went to retrieve the cell phone I'd purchased earlier.
"This is for you," I said, returning to the bed. "So you can call me as often as you want, and vice the other way around..." I smiled at him again. "I know your mother wouldn't like seeing long distance after long distance charge on the phone bill, and we wouldn't want her getting freaked out because her son kept getting calls from some 20-something guy, now would we?"
All he could do was smile as I gave him the phone. He turned it over a couple of times, looking at it in his hands, before looking back up at me and smiling again. "You're too sweet, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know." I said, still smiling.
He looked it over in his hand once more before he carefully put it in his pocket. "We've still got about 20 minutes before we have to leave," he said. "What do you want to do with them?"
"Well," I started to respond as I climbed back into the bed with Evan. "I thought I'd just lay around for a while. What about you?" I turned a smile in his direction.
"No objections here." he said cheerfully, a change of mood evident. He had a large smile on his face.
We spent the rest of the morning in each others arms, enjoying the feel of one another. Neither of us spoke, but I was pretty sure we were both counting down the minutes until the time came when we had to leave each other. Leaving was bad enough, but not knowing when we'd see each other again made it all the more difficult.
We eventually settled back into a position similar to that of the previous night, his head resting on my chest, and my arms wrapped around his back. We stayed that way for the last 15 minutes we had with each other. Some people might say we wasted those minutes, but that couldn't have been farther from the truth.
Before what seemed like three minutes has passed, it was time for us to get ready to leave. I ran my hand through Evan's hair in an effort to rouse him. I don't think he'd fallen back asleep, but he certainly wasn't totally aware and alert at the moment. He looked up at me with a faint smile on his face. "Hi..." he said.
I took my hand and brushed it along his jaw line. "It's time, babe." I gave him a similar smile in return.
He sighed, and his smile slowly faded. "I don't want to have to let you go." he replied. He grabbed me tight around my upper body, resting his head on me again.
"I don't want you to let me go..." I started. "But I can't stay, and you can't leave. That leaves just one course of action. You know that, don't you?"
He nodded against my chest, before drawing in another long breath. He separated himself from me and slowly stood from the bed. He stood in that position for several seconds, looking at me with a concerned expression. I couldn't tell what exactly he was thinking. I really couldn't read him that well, I realized.
It was starting to freak me out a little, to be honest. I got myself off the bed and came around to stand next to him. He was still looking at the bed, seemingly in deep thought. I came up behind him, putting my hands around his waist, and began kissing his neck ever so lightly from behind.
He turned himself around in my arms to face me, and we found ourselves nose to nose with each other. I could feel his warm breath on my face as we stood for a moment, doing nothing but looking into each others eyes. I leaned forward, and took his mouth into mine. It was the most passionate kiss the two of us had shared up until that point in time. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before with anyone.
I pulled myself back and looked Evan in the face. He was so adorable, so young. I felt like I was abandoning him, like I was leaving some helpless puppy all alone. How could he be only 17? Maybe it wasn't that I doubted he was 17, but that I doubted I could fall in love with a 17 year old. I'd told my self earlier that I could, I remembered. It was the truth, wasn't it?
"We should probably get going," he said, taking a step away from me, his eyes down cast. "We're going to be late."
I took a step toward him, compensating for the one he'd just taken, and grabbed him into a hug. "I'm going to miss you so much." I whispered into his ear. How could I have met him just two days ago? I mean, I was near tears over leaving this boy. My life was so much more complicated now, I realized. What kind of problems were going to come of this? More importantly, how would I handle them?
"I know," he said. He seemed to be crying by now. "I'm going to miss you too."
We left it on that note. I had never really gotten a chance to unpack my things, so there wasn't much left to do before I was ready to leave. Evan went into the bathroom to change into clean clothes for the new school day. As soon as he was done, we left the room, and went down to the lobby to check out. Still in silence, we got in my car and headed in the direction of his high school.
We hadn't said anything to each other since we left the hotel room, we didn't need to. Evan eventually broke the silence as we neared Belburly High. "Good bye, Brian." He gave my right shoulder a squeeze.
"You had better call me." I said with a grin. "You've still got my cell number, right?"
"Of course," he said.
"I'm going to stop here, is that okay?" I asked. I came to a stop a block away from his school. A building full of hundreds of teenage girls wasn't something I wanted to be anywhere near. I turned to find him smiling at me.
"Afraid you'll be recognized?" he asked me with a grin.
"Maybe," I said. "And I'm sure you'd be harassed to no end by everyone wanting to know why you were given a ride to school by a Backstreet Boy."
"I suppose you're right. This is fine, Brian." he smiled at me again.
I took a second to look him over one last time before I drove away. "Good bye, Evan." I finally said.
He smiled, and with that, he opened the car door and stepped out, and proceeded to walk in the direction of his school. He turned back once to smile at me again, before I pulled away, heading in the direction of the local airport.
Alright, I got it done! I've decided to level off these installments at about 20kb, as it seems to be pretty appropriate. Sorry if they're not long enough for some of you, but that's just the way I write. :) As always, send any and all (emphasis on the all) comments, suggestions, or anything else regarding this story to sdauson@hotmail.com.
Okay, let me just say, I know this installment is really, really late, and I apologize. There's not much I can say in my own defense except that I seem to be becoming progressively lazier. I've never really been good with deadlines, though, so I suppose it's not that much of a shock. :) Anyway, I'm still going to try and promise 2 weeks until the next installment, but don't go making any bets on it. :)
That's all for now, everyone. Laterz, :)
Sam