Chapter 10 Going Home
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Waiting by the door, I spot Henry coming across the lawn headed my way. It's been a long week, and I'm ready to relax and take some time to be with my guy. Tom walks by saying he'll see me upstairs. He looks ready for a little time off too. Just one more week until spring break.
"Waiting for me?" Henry asks.
"Yes, I'm ready to be with you this whole weekend," I say looking around to make sure no one is within earshot.
"The same. Have you heard mid-terms suck?"
"Somewhere," I respond as we enter the stairwell and begin the climb to the third floor or what we have started calling the penthouse. Once we hit the hall, it's warm and smelly and a little loud. My room is open which means Josh is home. "I'll catch you in a bit," I say as I head inside.
"Cool, don't make it too long." Henry opening his door and going in. He has nothing to worry about the plan is to spend all my time with him and not crack a book. Josh is packing a bag. I'd forgotten he was going home this weekend. Both Henry and my rooms will be vacant, how lucky.
"I'm running behind. Have a good weekend. I'll see you Sunday night," Josh says as he zips a bag and hurries out. That was one quick move. I'm glad he's gone. He's a little bit of a homebody, and I get tired of him always being in the room. I change clothes and make my way to the bathroom. Henry is coming out.
"Hey, I forgot my room is empty this weekend too," I say.
"Killer."
After I pee and return to the room, I clean things up. I go and borrow a broom from the RA and talk to him a minute. He acts overly friendly for some reason. I look around, and everything is good to go. It's been a long time since we have been able to spend a night together in my room.
"What are we going to do for dinner?" Henry comes through the door clad in sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt.
"Whatever you want to do. We could order pizza, and I've got drinks." I say.
"Cool with me. I'm going to get my stuff. I told Tom this is an Alan and Henry weekend. He said that's cool."
"Ok, I'm going to get bored with just you." We get pizza and sit on the floor eating and watching Dune.
"So, are you bored?" Henry asks.
"Not yet but the night is still young," I respond. We sit a little longer in silence as the movie finds its ending. Henry loves this movie. I think we've seen it three or four times.
"Your turn, what would you like to do next?" Henry asks.
"I would like to get stoned and come back to the room and just lie with you listening to music until we fall asleep."
"Sounds fun; where are we going to smoke?"
"Let's just take a walk across campus, but you can't get all goofy on me." I gather up the paraphernalia and put on a jacket while Herny gets his shoes. As we exit the room, we run into Tony alone.
"Hey guys, how's it going?" he says. Henry is standing in front of me, I squeeze his side reminding him to be nice.
"We are going for a walk; what are you up to?" Henry asks.
"Just going to get some cards, ya'll have a good walk. I'll catch you later," and with that Tony walks on down the hall to his room.
"That was a close one."
"What, would it have been bad if he had wanted to go on the walk with us?" I ask.
"No I guess not, but we wouldn't get to smoke."
"He and I got stoned one time, and it was his so he's cool,"
"I can't believe you're talking to him," says Henry shaking his head.
"I told you everyone deserves as a second chance. You got one or was it three chances. I can't remember." I say running down the stairs ahead of Henry. We decide to go down by the practice fields and around to the play park. We see a couple of groups of people, but no one gets too close. We smoke half a joint before we end up outside the FAB.
"Thanks for the dope you always have the best, who's your supplier, no don't tell me, somethings are secrets," Henry laughing. Would he be laughing if he knew I was blowing the kitchen help for this pot? It bothers me sometimes but it's only to get pot, and it doesn't mean anything and the guys a closet case. Does this make me a whore?
"Do you think they'll let us get married here?"
I laugh, not because of the prospect of being with Henry the rest of my life but the last person to plan on marrying me turned on me. "Sure, right under the chandelier with Pat as the officiant and Mary as the maid of honor."
"That will work, I mean we're both Presbyterians, and I will eventually need to make you an honest man."
"Not in a hundred years will we be able to get married, but if that ever happens yes, we can get married here." We both laugh and start the walk back to the dorm. I keep Henry quite as we enter and turn to climb the steps to the room. We both take a pee break before we get ready for bed. I choose some light music for our sleep time. It shouldn't take long since we both are so stoned. Henry comes back into the room all blurry eyed. I put a bottle of water by the bed and get in. Henry walks in circles for a moment before he climbs.
"I'm glad you're, we're here," he says as he kisses me. We lie for a while without speaking enjoying each other's touch or is it the opportunity to touch? "Are we going to have sex?" Henry asks like a little boy wanting a cookie.
"What do you want?"
"If you don't mind, I want to hold you and fall asleep; maybe we can have sex in the morning if that's ok?"
"It's perfect," I roll over followed by Henry. He wraps his arms around me and whispers he loves me before we fall asleep.
I go to my therapist office Monday afternoon. He's a young guy who has a welcoming manner and solid advice. I'm fortunate that I have been able to see him. The office is bright and decorated like someone's den minus the TV. I've avoided spending too much time talking about Henry. I'm not sure how much should be shared. I'm thinking what this session is going to consist of as I wait for him to fetch me from the waiting room. I'm always anxious before an appointment.
"Alan," Jason the therapist calls my name.
"Hey," I say as I get up and follow him down the hall.
"How have you been doing, it's been three weeks since our last session," he says closing the door as I claim a seat in a big comfy chair.
"I've been doing well; how about you?"
"Well, pretty good myself. Let's start on how you've been doing reaching out and engaging the world around you," Jason says sliding the Kleenex to my side of the table. Does he know something I don't?
"I'm trying. I've been talking with my roommate and his friends more. It's still hard, but I'm using my friends to introduce me to more people. I told you I have a budding friendship with last semester's roommate."
"How is that working out, were you able to figure out what made him change?"
"Yeah, he told me a story about his best friend/cousin coming out to him, and it made him feel bad I guess," I skip over the juicy part of the story because I don't know how comfortable I am talking sex.
"This is such a positive. I'm proud that you recognize people are not perfect and we all deserve another chance."
"I wasn't sure at first, but I kept thinking about what happened before to me, and I thought about everyone needing a break, and he made the first move."
"If we are going to forgive others we also need to forgive ourselves. How are you doing this? Are you forgiving Alan?"
"I honestly think I am, but it's very hard because some days I can't keep reliving the past or going over it in my head."
"That takes time, patience, and practice, but you'll get there."
"I hope so."
"We've talked a little about Henry. Why have you not talked about him more? He seems very important to you and your mental health?"
"I don't know why, it's, he's, I'm sorry what if you just ask me questions and I'll try to answer them."
"Ok, what's the one thing you find about Henry that makes him special?" I'm not sure I want to share this.
"He liked me before I liked myself."
"How do you figure that?"
"Everyone else knows what a fuckup I am, and every one pitied me, and Henry didn't. He saw me and my oddness and still wanted to be my friend."
"He's more than a friend though."
"I'm sorry is that a question?"
"No, I've done this long enough to know things. I take it he feels the same way?"
"He's, we're boyfriends," as soon as I say it, I realize how stupid it sounds. What are we? What is the correct word for us? "I'm sorry I don't know what to call us."
"I'm glad and proud you could let someone into your life like that. How does your uncle feel about this development?"
"He likes Henry and likes us together. He thinks this is an important aspect of college life. What if I don't think I give as much as Henry does?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, his family has given him a hard time about coming out. I do my best to cheer him up, but it's not like my family, so I'm not sure how to help."
"The most important thing you can do is listen and be there with him. Remember we talked about not trying to fix everything and identifying what you have control of?"
"Yeah, but he has helped me so much. I want to do more."
"I think Henry wants you to be with him and not fix anything."
"Yeah, I understand just be there and avoid being the fixer."
"What else about Henry?"
"He always smiles and has a joke. When I see him, I feel so relaxed and comfortable - most of the time."
"So, not only have you found a partner, I'm assuming you two have been intimate, you found someone who lights your spark."
"What does that mean," I ask glossing over the sex bits.
"Henry makes you feel good. He makes you want to be about the world and not just in it, that's great. What about the other big issue, hurting yourself?"
"I made him a promise that I would stop hurting myself."
"When was this?"
"Thanksgiving and I've done my best."
"But you haven't been perfect, last time you said you had recently done it. What caused the slip?"
"A new roommate, lack of being able to be with Henry, the start of class, I don't know. I know that I've done it four times since Thanksgiving, but I haven't told Henry."
"Don't you think he knows?"
"I don't know," knowing Henry, he knows.
"I think you do. You don't have to hurt yourself to feel or take control. You have control of your classes, a relationship, and countless other things that if we sat here, I'm sure you could name."
"I'm doing my best I really am," I say. "I don't know why I do it. I don't think about it as much as I once did."
"And I believe you're trying and that's all anyone can ask of you. Is there anything else?"
"I don't think so."
Let's continue to work on getting out and being with other people. Continue to acknowledge you're a good person and people like you. Keep up the good work," Jason says bringing the session to a close.
"In two weeks?" I ask.
"Yes, and I want to hear something else about Henry, something different."
"Goodbye," I say as I exit the office and make my way down the hall to leave. An hour does fly when you have someone asking you personal questions. I keep telling myself I'm not broken and I'm not a horrible person. Henry wouldn't be with someone broken. I keep saying this over and over in hopes I will finally believe. I need to believe in myself more. I need to understand that I'm good that this isn't about my family and I can't change what they did or how they see me. I, Alan Layne, am a good person.
I get back to school and call Mary to see if I can come over. I've not had a lot of time to spend with the Granges like I did last semester. We meet up out in her studio. She's working on some things, and I take a look.
"How's it going mister?" She asks.
"All's good. I'm just sorry I've not been around as much as I was last semester."
"That's ok we understand. College is a hard transition, and I'm glad we were able to help you." I wonder if she's saying these things because they don't want me around anymore. "You have grown so much since I first met you. I saw you the other day walking across campus, and you were laughing. It made me feel so happy for you.
"Thanks, Well, I do miss you. I know Henry's looking forward to getting back into guitar lessons with the boys."
"So are they, those two just asked the other day when you and Henry were going to be able to come play."
"What about sometime this week?"
"That would be great. Let's do Wednesday dinner. Are you sure Henry can make it."
"I'm positive," I say. We stop talking for a minute as I look around the studio at all these cut up family pictures. She appears to be working on a huge collage. I break the silence with more news. "Tony and I made up kinda."
"How did that happen?"
"He apologized and explained why he did what he did, and I accepted his apology."
"That was very kind of you. You're such a good guy," Mary says. We go to the kitchen to get a drink. "I heard you had a great holiday."
"It was stress-free and nice. Do you know about Sarah?"
"I know who she is, but that's it. What do you think of her?"
"She's nice. You know she was my tutor for the GED. He seems happy, and I'm glad. I thought he lived like a monk."
"To be honest, I think you coming to live with him has done Peter a world of good."
"How so?"
"He's out in the world doing less work. He took some of the advice he was giving you and has restarted his life. See, you did that too," Mary says reaching out to touch my arm.
"I'm not sure I had anything to do with that. I do know that he saved me, sent me here where I have you, Pat and the boys and Henry."
"I've got to go get the boys do you want to ride?"
"No, I have to get back. Thanks for talking and I'll see you on Wednesday." We hug. I walk through their yard across the street and onto the campus grounds. I decide to skip class and go read. Maybe Josh won't be in the room.
It's a rainy Wednesday meaning there are two days until spring break begins. Dinner with the Granges was good, and Henry and I got a couple of Mario Cart races in with the boys. They are excited about starting guitar lessons. They tried to loop me into taking lessons with them. We would get nothing done. Henry held my hand at dinner. I don't know if he realized what he was doing. I saw Pat checking us out so I moved my hand, not that I think they would care it was just my initial response.
"I love the rain," Henry says as we walk back to the dorm.
"I like it when it's warm. It's too chilly," I respond walking fast.
"Hey, can we go talk in the studio I need to tell you something."
"Ok, is it bad?"
"No, let's get inside first." I do not like the sound of Henry. The way he's talking it makes it sound bad. Wonder if he knows about the pot or the hurting. I go first and unlock the door. I notice someone's been here doing work, but they are long gone. "What's up?"
"I can't do spring break with you. I have to go home. I'm sorry I'm being made to go home. I'm sorry," Henry says all this doing his best to hold back tears. I go to him and embrace him in a big hug.
"It's alright, you need to go home," I say, but this just makes him cry harder. "Henry, what's wrong?"
"I don't know; my dad just said I had to come home; some things needed to be done. Alan, I'm scared they're going to try to break us up or send me away. I don't know what I think because they don't talk to me."
"It's ok; they love you. They're not going to do anything like that. It's going to be ok," I hold tighter.
"Maybe, but it's never been like this. They've never been this distant. If I have to, I'll tell them I'm an adult, and I can do what I want," Henry says breaking the hug and drying his eyes on his shirt.
"Are you going to be ok?"
"I'm sorry, I'm good. I needed to tell you, and I've been avoiding it since Monday. I'm sorry I took so long."
"There's nothing for you to apologize for, it's going to be fine you'll see. It's only one week, and you can call me."
"Can we stay here just a little longer? I'm not ready to go back."
"Sure, what's Tom doing? Do you think he'll let me stay in the room with you guys?"
"For sure, you'd do that; stay with me tonight?"
"Yes, of course, I will." I'm sure Tom has no issues he's caught us napping together. It's not like we're going to have sex or anything. I'm just going to hold Henry.
It turns out Henry, and I do get one last night together. His father can't come and pick him up until Saturday. I plan a surprise in my room since Josh left already. I have some wine and his favorite Chinese dumplings, Funyuns, and Diet Coke. He's going to love this surprise. Tom has already left with Celeste. She's taking him home to Ottawa for the break.
"Come over when your done packing," I say standing in his door. "One promise, you can't dread tomorrow or the time you're going to be home. This is our night, ok?"
"Ok, give me a minute, and I'll be over," Henry responds. I head back to the room and make sure everything is ready.
Henry comes over, and we have a very enjoyable dinner. We talk about the closing of the semester and year, and he seems fine. "This is nice," I say as we sit on my bed entwined just listening to music and being with each other. Henry raises and kisses me deep.
"Can I fuck you, please," He asks in his sweetest voice. I just nod and kiss him more.
"Can we take a shower first?" I ask.
"Sure, but in a minute let's stay like this a little longer." I comply.
I come back from my shower and find the room empty. I guess Henry decided to use the other bathroom. I ready myself and put on some music on, real 80's alternative classics. It has all my favs. "You make me feel so good," Henry says as he comes into the room dressed only in a towel.
"Would you like to dance?" I ask as he shuts and bolts the door. I mess with the tape player until I find the perfect song. I take Henry's hands placing one on my waist and the other around my back. "I Would For You" begins to play and I want Henry to lose himself in the music and Ferrell's voice.
As the song ends I move us over to the bed. I lie down first then position Henry between my legs. He pulls the towel off revealing his erection. I shimmy out of my shorts. Our crotches grind together as we kiss and nibble on each other. Looking into my eyes, he asks, "Just this once?" I know what he means. Just this once without a condom. Just this once with no protection. Just this once trust me. I always trust Henry.
"Yes, ok," I say slow and drawn out as Henry reaches for lube. He looks at me with a smile. He comes in to bite my neck and lick my ear. He knows this drives me mad.
Next, to my ear, Henry says, "I'm sorry this isn't going to take long." We change positions with me on my side and Henry tight against me. He slowly enters me. We move in rhythm, him inside me. I turn my head so we can kiss. Henry moves faster breathing heavy until he comes. "Mmmm is all I can say," Henry, says.
"Don't move let's be still," I say. I don't like the feeling once he pulls out. I want him to stay as long as possible. Henry is humming away in my ear to the song playing. "You like this song?"
"It's the one thing, you are my thing," Henry sings. I hadn't thought of that song in forever. We are each other's thing.
Early morning I wake to Henry not in bed and the door slightly ajar. He must have gone to the bathroom. As I'm rolling over, he comes back in the room. Something is not right I can tell. "You ok?"
"Fine, I just, oh it's nothing," he stammers.
"Tell me; get it out."
"I can't sleep. I keep worrying about going home seeing my dad tomorrow."
"I have nothing else to do. I can stay up with you. We can talk, play cards, or a video game whatever you want to do.
"I wish I had a car so we could leave avoid all this hard stuff."
"I'm the king of the hard stuff. You'll get through this."
"But you ran away that's what I want to do,"
"I didn't RUN away I was kicked out. There's a difference. I understand this is hard for you and you're very stressed, but your situation is not the same as mine. I haven't heard from my family in more than two years. I'd trade places with you right now if I could."
"I'm sorry. You're right there nothing alike," Henry sounding sad.
"You can do this, you can. Now come here, and let's cuddle." He returns to bed, but this time I'm the big spoon. I hold him tight. "Tell me a story."
"Once we went fishing. I was about five, and Charles was eight. Charles talked me into getting close to the edge, and it gave out, and I fell into the mud. Well, my dad ran over to pull me out but he slipped into the mud, and then Charles fell into the mud. We all started laughing. We finally got out. We went home, and mom made us get in the backyard so she could hose us down. I remember how cold the water was and how all three us naked in the backyard were laughing. Mom didn't think it was funny, but she made us take a warm shower, and she fixed us soup and toasted cheeses."
"That's funny and a good memory. Do you like to fish?"
"Yeah, I do."
"I've never been."
"You've never been fishing?"
"Never, my family didn't do things like that. I think my dad went fishing with his friends."
"Maybe someday we can go fishing."
"That would be nice. What time is your dad coming?"
"He said around 1:00," Henry yawns. I stop talking and just hold him. We fall asleep again. We wake up at almost 12:00. Henry looks rested. I enjoyed our little sleep break last night. I think Henry's family is going to come around. He has nothing to worry about.
"Thanks for last night. Are you worried that we had sex without a condom?" Henry asks between my legs about to blow me.
"No, I'm not. I know you haven't been with anyone else so I, we are safe. Don't get used to it."
"I want. I don't know what to say, thanks?"
"Why? You don't have to thank me or anything. Us being together is for both of us, but thank you," I laugh probably out of nervousness. What if Henry asks me if I've been with anyone else since we started seeing each other?
Henry begins by licking and kissing my groin followed by him taking me into his mouth. It doesn't take long before I come. "I have a favor," Henry says wiping his mouth.
"Ok hit me." I dread what he's going to want me to do.
"Come downstairs and meet my dad when he gets here?"
I knew it. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
"I do, and it would make me feel so much better. I'll introduce you as my friend, please."
"I will. You know this is crazy you've met my family, and now I'm going to meet yours. How traditional."
Henry goes to gather up his dirty clothes to take home. I clean up and do a couple of things. I'm not looking forward to meeting Henry's dad, but I can't tell him no. I get ready to go home. There, I've called Uncle Peter's home again. Since Henry and I aren't going to be together for spring break, I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. I don't know if there's anything I want to do.
"Hey, are you here?" Henry asks as he comes through the door. I think he got the answer to that question. "Are you ready?"
"Yes, do I look presentable?" I ask wearing jeans and a black polo. I don't have a lot of color choices in my clothes.
"You look perfect," he says as he kisses me.
"If you say so," which is the wrong response, I should have just said thank you, but my brain doesn't see me being fully right yet. "Do you need help getting your stuff down?"
"No, I just have the dead body." The dead body is what Henry calls the army duffle bag he carries his dirty clothes in. I follow him down the steps dreading more and more as we get closer to the bottom. We hang on the dorm's porch until the Case's Volvo station wagon pulls up. I could puke. The car is parked, and Mr. Case gets out.
"Hey, dad," Henry sounding chipper and making the best of a bad situation heading towards the car with me in tow.
"Hello, son. Do you need any help?"
"Nope this is it, sir," Henry responds in what sounds to me a little formal. "Dad, this is my friend Alan." I stick out my hand to shake Henry's dads.
"Nice to meet you, Alan," he says taking my hand with a firm grip. I can do this. I am doing this. "You got everything, Henry?"
"Yes, sir."
"Alan, Henry and I are going to get something to eat would you like to go. We'll bring you back." I'm shocked by this invitation. I see Henry's pleading eyes.
"That would be great sir. I need to go get my wallet." I respond.
"You don't need your wallet. We invited you," he says. He leads the way to the car as Henry turns walking backward smiling the happiest I've seen him since I let him fuck me last night without a condom.
There's nothing great about lunch. Henry is a lot like his father. I notice no distance between them maybe things have changed. The conversation mainly consists of me trying to avoid having to talk too much about myself. Hanry does explain that I live with my uncle and I come from Georgia. The rest of the time we talk about school. We load up for the return to school to drop me off, and there is a part of me that would love if we just kept going and I went home with them. I could experience what a normal family is again. When we made it back, we all got out of the car.
"Alan, it was nice to meet the person Henry has talked so much about. Thanks for going to lunch with us," he says as he offers his hand to me.
"Thank you, sir," I respond as I shake his hand. Henry moves in not for a handshake but a hug. I feel out of place but since he doesn't care I let it go and give him a long squeeze back. "Have a safe trip. I love you. I'll talk to you soon." His dad already in the car is watching us.
"I love you, and I'll call you in the morning," Henry says as he kisses my cheek. I wonder how much of this did his father see. Does his dad care? I watch them drive off. I turn and walk into the dorm to get ready for Uncle Peter.