Chapter Seven World Within
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Henry is getting to his feet. "You ok kid?" he says coming towards me.
"I'm fine. What are you doing?"
"Waiting on you didn't want you to be alone."
"I didn't say anything to my uncle. I pretended like everything was good nothing related to being called a faggot and losing my roommate."
"Everything is good, can we go inside the studio, please?" I unlock the door, and Henry heads in. He knows this place as well as I do. I close the door and press play on the boombox, Sex Dwarf booms. I turn it off.
"How are you," I ask to break things and also I don't know what to say.
"Great.....I'm just worried about you."
"As I said I'm fine." I feel good except on the part of not getting Henry tangled up in all this stuff.
"I thought we could move in together."
"No, that doesn't solve anything and I would rather not." I don't want to live with Henry. We need to have our own space.
"Well, thanks....I'm just trying to help."
"No you're trying to fix, and that's not the same as help," I say. "Sorry.....I've got to get my head clear.....I think the thing to do is not to give a shit, but I'm not sure I can do that.....I'm going to try."
"Sounds like a good plan. That's cleared up can I say something.....please?"
"Of course....what is it?" I stop to face him.
"I want to say....I...it's that...I think I love you."
"Don't say that now.......not with this going on....please take it back....please," as soon as I say this I see how it upsets Henry.
"You don't love me, yet?"
"I don't know...really......it's not that I don't it's that....can we deal with one thing at a time.....please," I go over to him and hug him. "If I was going to love anyone or if I do love anyone it's you.....this shit with Tony can affect you, and I don't want you getting burned by me."
"I understand...I shouldn't have said anything.....but I do love you, and I can't take it back....it's ok if you can't or won't say it.....I know." We hug harder. This is the first time Henry has ever told someone he loves them, and it came at the wrong time. Maybe I do love him. I'm scared of letting myself think that because what if all this turns out like John? Henry and I spend time together sometimes talking and sometimes not in the studio. We eventually roam back to the dorm. I'm thinking of ways to say I want to be alone. "Can we go inside and say goodnight and then you can go to sleep?"
"Yeah sure." I open the door, and we move inside. "I'm sorry about the `I love you' stuff. I need to know I'm saying it for the right reasons and not just to make us feel good."
"I get it. I'm a pleaser. I want to make everyone happy especially you." We kiss a while standing pressed up against the door. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight buddy," I say as I let him out. "See you tomorrow."
I sleep alone in my room. I don't have to worry about being polite or secretive in my actions. I get up in the middle of the night to pee. I enter the bathroom with the tool in hand, and I head to a stall. I sit, and for the first time in forever, I plunge the pencil into my upper thigh pressing down hard until it hurts to breathe. I clean up, pee, and return to bed.
I get up and go to class before I have to talk to Henry. It's not that I don't want him and I might love him...I just need to spend some time alone to get everything figured out, and he doesn't understand. I do have to ask him about Thanksgiving.
Everything is a little wet because we had sun and unusual spring weather the week before Thanksgiving. The trees are for the most part bare, and the smell of fall is still in the air. Squirrels are running around collecting acorns from one of the hundreds of trees that cover the campus. I feel better today. I feel good...not fine but good.
Monday's classes end and I make my way to my favorite place the FAB. Most of the art classes are over except for finals, and I'm not sure how those work. We've already completed the focus of the course which was to produce works of art. We won't find out our grades until later. I'm nervous about how that works. I swing by the gallery to look at my stuff still hanging. This is a first for me, and I'm very excited.
"I thought that was you...Alan," Pat says.
"Yes....how are you, sir?"
"Good....how are you?"
"Well....can we talk in your office for a couple?"
"Sure I have nothing going on....come on." I enter his office a place I've been several times and a place I feel I know well. It smells woody and dark. "What's on your mind?"
"Saturday after the event and dinner I went back to the room and Tony had moved out.....leaving this," I'm embarrassed to show him the note. I don't know why.
Pat reads the note. "I'm so sorry this happened.....how are you dealing.....is there something I can do?"
"No...I came close to asking my uncle to take me back.....to let me leave here.....I didn't tell him anything about the note......please don't.....I'm doing better about it, and I feel good today."
"I'm proud of you.....instead of running you are confronting this, and it appears you are doing a great job of it.....what did Henry have to say?"
"Nothing good....he wanted to fix it, and then he said he loved me.....I don't know," me saying too much.
"It's good to have the love of as many folks as possible......the reason I know you two are together because.....well even before Henry said anything or Mary told me I could see how he felt for you.....that's something else I'm glad you're doing.....letting people in.....young man your doing very well."
"I'm not sure......so Mary told you I said I was gay......I mean?"
"We don't talk about you...what you tell her and me separately stays that way unless one of us is worried about you......I told you.....and besides Henry has liked you for some time he'd come to eat, and all he could talk about was you."
"I really like him."
"Good...I like you two together......so Thanksgiving, and a birthday, I've got a question."
"Sure."
"Do you want anything special for your birthday.....a cake...a special food.....name it?"
"What about that spice cake Mary makes...and a coconut pie."
"MMm...sounds good to me...Peter said that Henry might be with us, do you know anything about that?"
"Not asked him yet because of all this stuff but going to this evening......I'm going to go....thanks," I get up followed by Pat.
"You know where I'm at if you need anything....continue the good work, my man," he pats me on the back as I leave the office. I make a right and head down the steps to the studio. I can hear guitar music before I can see Henry. When I round the corner, he raises his head, and there's that smile.
"Hey buddy," I say returning the smile.
Henry gets up. "I've been a little worried...I haven't seen you at all today."
"I'm here; I feel great."
"You do.....really...this isn't a trick.....great."
"I've worked everything out, and I'm good with the choice Tony made....it doesn't matter, and I can't do anything about it.....so fuck him," I say as I open the door and move into the studio. Henry enters and closes the door. He moves towards me and I know he's looking for a kiss....and I am too.
"I'm so proud of you.....and relieved that you're not leaving.....you know what I said? I meant it and it doesn't have anything to do about me wanting to fix something or anything other than you and me."
"I know...it's just I don't think I'm ready to say it and it's not because I don't believe you.....I just."
"You don't have to...you're good....and I won't say it again."
"I keep forgetting.....what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
"I have no plans but to go home...why?"
"Do you think you could stay here with me?"
"For sure.....what you got planned?"
"My uncle's coming to be with me, and the Granges and they have invited you.....Uncle Peter is going to get a couple of hotel rooms so we can escape for a few days, sound fun?"
"Hell yes.....I'll call my mom tonight.....they won't care no one will have to worry about picking me up on Wednesday."
Wednesday classes only lasted until noon. Everyone was ready to get out of town. Uncle Peter arrived around 2 pm and took us away to a long weekend in a hotel room away from campus. The plans were to get to the Granges mid-morning to help prepare Thanksgiving dinner. Knowing Mary, she would have almost everything done the day before. Uncle Peter decided to go over after dinner Wednesday night leaving us alone in our room at the hotel.
"I know we have two beds, but we are sleeping together, right? Henry laughing as I nod. "What does your uncle know?"
"I think he thinks we are going to sleep together. He's no fool."
"So, you've talked about us?"
"A little, I just think he's playing it safe."
"I'm going to play it safe tonight. Do you want to take a shower?"
"You can go first."
"I meant take one together. Get your head in the game," Henry laughing.
"Oh, OK." Removing our clothes we make it to the shower. The water is warm and drops on us like rain. Henry is excited, but I want to wait for a while. We finish, and I pass Henry a towel.
"Cover that thing up," I say.
"Oh no," he shouts as he streaks into the room. I wrap in a towel and chase after him.
Henry springs at me still naked and damp. He clasps my hands and leads me to the bed. We collapse with him on top. He raises my arms above my head and starts to kiss my face and neck. He has me pinned down with our groins grinding into each other. I can't move. He continues kissing and nibbling his way down my body. "Henry."
"Shush. Let go kid." And I do. I give him control, all of it. I dig my fingers into the mattress and raise my body to force more of me down his throat.
"Henry you have to stop," I plead because I don't want it to happen too quickly, but he doesn't reply or release me. There's no choice, and I do as he asked, I let go. He doesn't pull away or take me from his mouth.
Inching back up to me he says, "There I did it."
"You did. It was good. Thank you." He rolls me on my side and curls around me pulling the blanket over the both of us. "What's next?"
"Can't I rest?" he asks laughing.
"Can we stay like this? "We can do whatever you like." And with that, we fall asleep.
I wake in the darkened room with the hum of the heater on and Henry beside me breathing rhythmically. He is wrapped around me so tight I can feel his heart beating beneath his chest. My mind relives the day, not out of happiness but out of the need to evaluate my every move. What's it like to feel? To really know what you are experiencing is true emotion. I still feel sad and guilty because I'm not sure I can be everything that Henry needs. Am I not allowing myself to have any other emotions but sadness and emptiness? Henry is so very good, and I wonder if I'm just pretending when we're together to make him happy? I want to let go, but I don't know how or even if I'm capable. I slowly fall back to sleep.
I wake alone in bed Henry having escaped at some point. There's light bleeding through the curtains just enough to make out the room. Under the bathroom door, I see the light and hear the fan go off. I close my eyes pretending to be still asleep. To my surprise, a guitar begins to play Happy Birthday as Henry jumps on the bed still without clothes.
"Happy birthday to Alan, happy birthday to you. Wake up it's your birthday!" He sings and shouts. All I can do is smile.
"Thank you, but don't you think the other guest might not want to be serenaded awake by a madman?"
"Fuck'em. It's your birthday," he says as he lays his instrument down and kisses me. "You are too sensible."
"Thank you. I can honestly say I've never been sung happy birthday to by a naked dude."
"I thought being nude added a special twist. Do you want to snuggle or maybe something else?"
"Come here let's cover back up and cuddle." We stay tangled up until the phone rings a few hours later. Uncle Peter is giving us a warning that it was about time to head to Pat and Mary's. We stumble up and get cleaned and dressed.
"I'm glad to see you guys, how did you sleep?" Uncle Peter greats us with coffee.
"Good," Henry and I say in unison causing us to laugh. Uncle Peter just stares as if he's missed out on a joke.
Thanksgiving with the Grange's was a little too typical. All the traditional foods and conversation. I am grateful that it is so ordinary. Getting to experience a regular activity with a nuclear family is a positive step. The three of us stay late into the evening.
My birthday wasn't on Thanksgiving. Henry knew that he just wanted to surprise me before anyone else got the opportunity. Considering how I spent the last year's birthday the bar was pretty low. One year since being picked up and claimed by my uncle. I think a lot of time goes by now without me thinking about my family. I mainly wonder if they are bothered by what they did or do I ever cross their minds. It doesn't matter. I can't imagine them not knowing where I am or what I'm doing. It's a choice they are making. I shouldn't have to be to bigger person in this saga.
Friday morning comes slow and cold. There are a few snowflakes which make me excited. Ever since I was a kid, I've loved snow. Snow takes a very drab world and paints it all clean and fresh and white. To me it's magic. And then there's the silence of snow, the quietness that coats everything. It didn't last, and no one seemed as happy as me. Of course, that's because today is my birthday.
Uncle Peter and Henry take a trip while I'm still in my PJ's. I take this break from the two of them to disappear into some music. With my Walkman on full volume, I dance around the room with no concern of getting caught. Pylon blares as I gyrate. This state right here, alone, headphones on with no cares I wish I could capture this for all those days I'm overwhelmed and not being myself.
Soon enough my private time is over. Henry returns to the room with a goofy looking face. I know something is up. I'm dreading a surprise with a smile. As my therapist would say I need to relax and let things unfold, don't anticipate. I am going to try not only for my sake but for the effort Henry, and Uncle Peter has gone.
I've had a shower and am lounging on the bed flipping channels as Henry exits the bathroom. "You just want to hang out here for a while?" Henry asks.
"Well, considering it's my birthday. I thought I might just do that all day unless you have something else in mind."
"Peter and Pat are going bike riding, and Mary and the boys have gone to her sisters so, it's just us. Is that ok?"
"The best gift I could ask for, now come cuddle and let's watch something stupid. Henry climbs in bed behind me. I fold into him.
"I really really like this," Henry whispers.
"Me too." I begin to feel Henry's erection pressing into my back. "Horn dog," I say as I nudge him.
"Always be prepared. I told you I discovered who I was in boy scouts."
"Next you'll tell me you're an Eagle Scout."
Henry laughing. "I am. My project was clowning."
"So, you're a clown? That explains so much."
"I've always been a clown, do you want me to show you how to be a clown?"
"I'll pass," I say as I think of a question to ask, but I'm not sure how to go about it. "Can I ask you something, something serious?"
"Of course, anything."
"How are you so happy all the time, how do you do it?"
"I don't know. I don't know of any other way to be, and I'm not always happy. In the beginning, what happened between us, I wasn't happy. In fact, I was confused, and it made me question a lot about myself. So, see I'm not always happy. Now, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"What's this?" Henry asks touching my upper thigh. "I know you're hurting yourself. I don't know how or why."
I'm surprised. I thought I hid them better. I can't tell him because I don't know why. "They're nothing just places I pick at; it's no big deal."
"They are. You're doing something that causes scabs and bruises. Why?" I move to scoot off the bed.
"Henry, I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about this. It isn't about you or us or anything." Then what is it about? I don't know! I know that when I take control and stick the tool into my leg, everything washes away for a time. I'm ok once the pain comes and then goes.
"It is something; I don't understand why you would hurt yourself."
"You don't have to understand and who said I hurt myself. This doesn't hurt," I say a little too loud while my stomach begins to ache and I look for an escape. If it doesn't hurt then why do it? I like to see what I do. I like to look down and see the marks I made. These are the marks of Alan made by Alan for Alan. It's a release. It releases me from pain and anger.
"I think that may be the first time you've lied to me," Henry says as he gets out of bed and moves towards me.
"Don't don't come over here. I'm fine," I say as I escape to the bathroom locking the door behind me. The tool is in my bag on the other side of the door. I can't get to it. Henry doesn't know about it how I carry it around neatly tucked in my bag a pencil never used for writing.
"Don't do this. I'm sorry. I just keep seeing them. They never go away and."
"Shut up Henry!" I shout through the door. I get in the tub and stretch out -- happy birthday to fucking me. I look at my handy work something I usually take pride in and now feel disgusted. Why am I so fucked up that I stab myself? What if Henry tells Peter? What if I get sent away? I lie in the tub trying to calm my breathing. I can't leave now that I have Henry and I've moved past the Tony shit. "Henry?"
"Yes," he says through the door.
"I don't know why but it's no big deal, and I have to do it at least for right now. Please don't tell anyone I don't want to have to leave. Please," I beg.
"I won't, but you have to promise me you're going to stop ok, please, Alan."
"I'll do my best. Please, can we go back to what we were doing before?"
"Of course," Henry says as I slowly climb out of the dry tub. I see my face streaked with tears another glimpse into my sadness and now worst of all Henry has seen more. I rinse my face and open the door. Henry has already climbed back into bed.
"Can I be the little spoon now?" he asks.
"Yeah." I climb in behind Henry and wrap around him. We stay like this for a time without speaking or moving. I know he isn't sleeping and I'm sure he knows I'm not either. "What's on your mind?" I ask.
"Oh just how comfortable it is here with you, What about you?"
"Pretty much the same. I'd just say I enjoy how we fit together doesn't matter who is the big spoon." This is true. As much as I like Henry's arms wrapped around me when I have him curled in my arms, it's amazing.
"Tonight we are taking you to eat and cake and gifts."
"Oh, I figured you two were working on something."
"Are you ok with it all?"
"I have to don't I? But I'm fine. I want to have some fun."
"Good, me too," Henry almost purrs as he rolls over facing me. "Can I kiss you?"
"Yes." Our lips connect causing both of us to tingle a little. Henry is a good kisser. My excitement grows very quickly. I think about allowing Henry to fuck me. There are moments where I can't think of anything else. Henry inside me and on me. Both of us moving together to achieve the same release or reward. "Henry, Henry? I....want, will you fuck me?" I speak into his mouth between kisses.
"Hell, yes," Henry says too loud diminishing my desire a bit but since I've already let the cat out. "I'll be careful."
"Can we go back to before and just let it happen?" I beg. "I want lots of this, ok buddy?" Me meaning foreplay.
"Anything you want." He fumbles in his backpack for a condom and some lube. Finding them, he puts them on the bedside table within easy reach. Now I'm extremely nervous. He climbs back in bed, and we resume our former positions. "You don't have to do this," he whispers.
"I want you inside me, I do. I have to relax, be relaxed," I explain. The first time with John was rough, and I hated every minute of it. It took time for me to understand the importance of relaxing during sex.
Henry kissing me. First, my face moving to my neck and ear before he begins to going down. Locking his lips around my nipple and attaching it with his tongue. This converts all my skin to goose flesh and strengthens my erection. Henry puts his hand down into my boxers wrapping his fingers around me. I urge him on with moans and gentle strokes of his bare back.
"Is this what you like? Tell me what you want?" Henry pleads. "Tell me."
"Don't stop; this is good, great," I say as Henry raises up and pulls my boxers off as he repositioned himself between my legs. He pulls them, and our groins collide.
"I adore you."
I let him take all the control. I let go and give up to Henry. "You win," I declare. He does nothing rough. He is gentle and slow. We connect as he enters me and as we move together I feel something in my chest move closer to the surface. "Please kiss me."
Later in the shower, I stand head bent a little watching the soapy water swirl down the drain. I have no regrets. Henry is soft and cute and sweet. He didn't hurt me, and I didn't want to let go of him. I'm handed a towel as I turn the shower off.
"You might need this," Henry says in his comedic voice.
"Thank you," I say as I pull the shower curtain and take the towel. I dry as Henry leaves the bathroom. From behind you can see a line from Henry's left ear to his right foot. The line that eases its way from head to toe is beautiful. It adapts to whatever position he takes, never breaking, looking like a single brush stroke.
"So, that was great; I think you'll agree," Henry states and yes I'd agree it was great. He slings my boxers towards me. I slip them on still a little damp from my shower.
"Yes, you are great."
"It's getting close to meet-up time with Peter."
"Where are we going?" If Henry had told me I've forgotten. Besides, there's not much choice here.
"The Butcher's Block."
"Cool," I say as I pull clothes out of my bag. Everything is the same color, almost. I dress avoiding thinking about dinner conversation and anticipating the birthday part. Nineteen years old, I can't believe I've made it this far.