Booger Red & Cowboy

DISCLAIMER: WARNING!! This is a work of homoerotic fictions written by an adult for the purpose of entertainment for other adults. If you are not eighteen year of age or you have any problem with this type of literature then this is a warning to read no further. The author will not be held responsible for any reason if you do. (Codes: M/M BD/SM Gay Incest Anal Oral)

Copyright 2003 Waddie Greywolf Mail to: waddiebear@yahoo.com

================================================================== BOOGER RED & COWBOY By Waddie Greywolf

CHAPTER 13

"Suzanne takes you down to her place by the river. She feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China. And when you start to tell her that you have no love to give her, she gets you on her wavelength and lets the river answer that you've always been her lover." L. Cohan

We left Glen Rose, and headed west. I didn't want to take the main highways. I wanted to travel through the back roads and small towns of Texas. I was making a photo journal of County Court Houses in Texas. All built on similar designs. Several were by the same architect. I wanted to take the northern route to cross into New Mexico across to Arizona. I wanted to visit Roswell, to see for myself.

Red was amenable to anything. He was in no hurry, and seemed content to be with me. Our first night together wasn't easy. He wanted to make love, and I tried. I didn't think it was going to be too successful at first, but old Booger still had it. The old man must have had a voodoo woman cast a spell over me. There was something about him that made me forget, at least for the moment, any beef I had with him. He started to talk dirty to me, growling in that deep throaty voice of his, we got into it and my animal locked into automatic, animal overdrive to wrestle with his animal.

He once again unleashed his beast upon me to ravage not only my body but my soul as well. When we hit together, he was so far up inside me I thought his old dick would shoot out my mouth. When I shot it felt like it was ripping my damn guts and soul out through my dick. It took me five minutes to regain my center of being.

"You know you still love me, Cowboy." he panted breathless to me.

"Ain't never said I didn't, Red." I spoke resolutely.

"You haven't told me in a while." he challenged.

"Well, if you have to hear it, I love you, Red."

"Gee, thanks." he said sarcastically.

"You said you'd settle for what you could get."

"Okay, you're right, let's drop it."

I didn't push further. I made my point. Then, he wanted to talk about it. Mainly, he wanted to shift the guilt for his actions onto me. He told me it was my fault he did what he did; I drove him to it.

I may be young and naive, but to tell me the first night we're back together that it was my fault;--my fault! Didn't seem like a sound strategy to endear a person to you that's ready to throw you on the garbage heap. It was definitely not well thought out. It certainly lacked `cool.' I was livid but I wasn't going to let my temper make me grovel in the mire and end up exchanging accusations. I remained cool and collected. He begged me to give him a chance then blames me for his actions. Right! I started gathering my stuff together to leave.

"What are you doing, Cowboy?"

"Same's I did the last time you were an ass hole, Red. I'm leaving."

"Why? What's the matter?"

"You're not a stupid man, Red. You know exactly what you said and I don't have to put up with crap like that. It wasn't my fault. You had a choice, you made it. It had nothing to do with me. End of conversation."

"All right, Cowboy, all right. I apologize. I was wrong. Please, don't leave me, Billy." I'd never seen Red like this before. I thought he was gonna' cry.

"Anymore talk like that, I'll walk out and you'll never see me again. You've said it was your fault, you're sorry, you were a fool, yet you have me here trying to shift your guilt onto me and think I'm fool enough to buy it, `Oh yes, Red, you're right it was my fault.' Bull shit! You just can't accept the fact you fucked over me and you're ashamed. It's easier to shift the guilt than it is to accept the responsibility for your actions, learn to live with it and try to do better."

"Okay, let's drop it."

"Your old standard comeback, Red? That's your fall back position. Fine with me, but with your attitude it isn't going to be easy for us to be together. I'll ride with you, sleep with you but if you push me too far I'm gone. There are several men out there that would never do that to me, Red, that I could love as much as you."

"Is that a threat?"

"Oh, hell no, Red! It goes way beyond a threat. It's a Goddamn promise."

"Well,--I could see to it you never leave me again."

"Take your best shot, old man. Better make damn sure the first one takes me out `cause you won't get a second chance."

"Don't test me, slave."

"You better make damn sure you don't make the bigger mistake of challenging me, old man. I ain't your slave no more, Red. You no longer have the right to call met that. You set me free the minute you shoved your dick into that pig. If you think you can make me submit by intimidation and threats then you better sit down and rethink that one, PDQ. Besides, if you think you have to do that to have me,---you never really gave a shit about me to begin with. I was just a pretty trophy you could ride with to make the other scoot bums jealous.

If you have to beat your chest and play bad ass, biker jailer, that's pretty lame for someone of your intelligence. You wanted it all, Red. You had to have a man, a slave, that wanted to serve you because of his unconditional love for you. You demanded it. You had it, Red. That was your price and I paid it because I really though you understood love and companionship. I loved you enough to trust you. Don't no more.

What do you think? You're talking to some green kid that's afraid of you or death? I've been there and back. If you killed me, I'd be with Buck, and you wouldn't have me nor anyone. In fact, I'm so disgusted and disappointed with you, you'd probably be doing me a favor. I'd be with a man that loved me enough to give his life for me. Hell, you can't even keep your Goddamn dick in your pants for me. I ain't afraid of dying, Red. You, of all people, should know that. Besides, there's worse things in life than dying."

"No, I don't suppose you are afraid of dying, but Goddamn it, Cowboy, when are you gonna' start forgiving me?"

"I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't forgiven you, Red, but you can't shit in your bed and not expect it to stink for a while. It's not going to be the same as it was until you try to make an effort to set this right between us. I told you when you called the ranch. Obviously, you didn't hear me, or just didn't wanna' listen. Too bad, you seemed so sincere on the phone. I can't be sorry for you. You never showed me any sympathy or cut me any slack when you demanded I meet your price if I wanted you for my Master. I met your price and kept my word. To bad you can't say the same.

Unless you try to meet me half way there's no way in hell I'm ever gonna' call you my Master again. You did what you did. If you don't try to let it be and take each day as it comes, then we won't make it together. I'm here now because of the love I had for you. What love you get from me from now on, will depend on you and the amount of love you show me. So far, I haven't seen much giving or concern for me on your part, just jockeying for position by trying to make me the villain. I ain't about to play both roles for you, and it's absurd for you to think you might convince me to."

"Roles? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've admitted to me and others that because of your deception, your actions, you made me a victim of your bad judgment."

"Yeah, okay! I've admitted it, so what?"

"Then a minute ago you tell me it's my fault that you went with T-bo. If that's true, that'ud make me the villain, wouldn't it; the bad guy?"

"Yeah, I suppose--"

"You tell me, Red, how can I be the villain' and a victim' at the same time?" Red didn't respond but just grunted. "You tell me which role you want me to play? You can't have it both ways, Red.

If you truly think it was my fault, that it was because of my actions you stuck your dick in T-bo, then I have to hit the road because I don't want to run the risk of making you fuck another piece of shit. I won't be held responsible for that. Just how stupid do you think I am, Red? I never made you do a damn thing you didn't wanna' do. God gave you free will same's he did me. The choices you make are the difference between right or wrong; good or bad. On the other hand, if you tell me I was a victim of your actions then you have to make some changes within yourself, Red, to make sure for both our sakes it doesn't happen again."

"Well, you're right about one damn thing." he said speaking quietly. "God as my witness, Cowboy, I never thought you'd get that upset over me throwing a fuck into that little trollop; however, after I saw how deeply it hurt you, the guilt of what I'd done ate me up, and now it's hard for me to live with it. I swear to God, Billy, I didn't do it with the intention of hurtin' you. I just didn't think you'd care that much." He had big tears rolling down his face. We were quite for a long moment, then I broke the silence to speak quietly in a resigned voice.

"Well, that's a start, Red. Let's go to bed." I got into bed to go to sleep. He wanted to hold me, and I had no problem with that. I always enjoyed sleeping in Red's arms. It was a restless night, and I tossed and turned even though I was tired. His words kept haunting me. This was not going to be easy.

I prayed silently, "God, you're asking a lot of me here. How can a man change like that over night, and do something to cancel all my trust? Buck, if you're listening ask the Big Kahuna why I have to do this, please?" For that moment my prayer went unanswered. Hell, God knew what he was doing. My biggest task was learning to do what he wanted, not to be so damn suspicious and learn to trust him.

I wasn't afraid of Red physically or mentally. I never felt fear that Red might hurt me physically. He had knocked me across the room that one night at the motel but he was angry and frustrated. That's no excuse for violence but I felt certain it wouldn't happen again. He had learned a lesson and I didn't think he wanted to test me. Red was bigger than me but I could take him if I had to. I came back from Nam thirty pounds heavier, buffed, and had grown to the size of my Uncle Bud. I continued growing until I was almost twenty-eight. Red knew I could take him but I didn't want to try.

I loved Red. I knew he was a proud man and proud of his physical capabilities. I'd seen him back off three mean ass bikers. Of course I was there to back him up. If I took Red down, his masculine ego couldn't have handled it. He wouldn't be the Master I needed anymore. It would be like I cut his balls off and tied them around my neck. From then on, that's all he'd see every time he looked at me, his balls hanging from my neck. I couldn't do that, `sides I loved to lick and clean them big balls of his.

My arguments frustrated the shit out a' him `cause they made sense, when he knew his didn't. I couldn't understand why he had to have everything back the way it was. That's not quite true either. I knew why. He was a Master and his ego told him it was his right and due to have things return to normal. He kept pushing. The more he'd pushed, the more I'd remind him, he said he'd take what he could get, give him a chance. I was giving him a chance, what was he going to do with it? So far he hadn't made one bit of effort to set things right between us.

We rode together for sometime. Days, weeks, months went by and Red wanted to fight all the time. He wanted to jockey for position and I wouldn't. As far as I was concerned, there was no position to jockey for. I refused to play his game because I knew the outcome, either way, it was a no win situation. I'd walk away and refuse to argue and that would frustrate him all the more. His standard come back when he lost an argument:

"Well, let's just drop it."

I would, but not before smiling sweetly to let him know he'd lost that round. The bushmen of the Kalahari have a saying for my actions, "A'bamma molliae a'nuy oh ho." Which freely translated means, `he who acts as a female dog towards his brother;' however, it loses something in translation. It has a worse connotation.

He wasn't getting things to go the way he wanted. He wanted that trust and closeness again that had been freely given, but Red was not willing to try to set things straight between us by even considering doing something to appease me. He make no effort what so ever and it was as if my concerns didn't matter to him. As a Master, he felt his apology should wipe the slate and everything should be back to normal. I felt to give in to him, would make him think he could do anything he wanted to me, apologize, then everything would be fine, for him.

Before I did I wanted to see some effort on his part to set things right. I didn't want the man's soul on a bun. All I wanted was for him to go along with me for a while. If the son of a bitch would just let it be, be patient with me, for a month, maybe two, and not push, I would've given in to him. I wanted him to stop trying to force me to love him the way he thought I should.

I wasn't doing all the little things I use to do to make him feel important, and I wondered how long it would be before he got tired of the status quo and jumped the fence to graze in greener pastures. Things were getting so bad I was praying he would, so I would have an excuse to cut out and go on with my life. Red's constant arguing was driving us further apart.

In retrospect, knowing what I know today about Master/slave relationships, if I'd been trained properly to be a man's slave, I would've never had these conundrums to grapple with. I would've been conditioned to accept and trust the man that had become my Master. If he chose to have sex with another slave, my initial conditioning and trust would have sustained my sense of self worth in being his possession. It wouldn't have become such a big deal; however, I was young, idealistic, and like so many others out there been brainwashed by Hollywood's idea of love. It sure is pretty on the screen but they carefully leave out the 24/7 routine grind that's enough to make any relationship, no matter how sound, falter.

Red was being honest with me when he looked at the situation from his point of view as a Master. He felt he had that right and he did. He was also correct in the fact that he truly didn't think it would bother me that much. I believed him. He thought I had grown so secure with him, as my Master, I wouldn't feel threatened or hurt. Red forgot to consider two things. I just returned from the gates of hell and wasn't mentally secure enough to hold on to the trust I had in him. It was hard for me to trust anything or anyone when I came back from Nam. I was still having major flashbacks two to four times a week. I needed unconditional love more that Red did. That's why Leon had become so important. He reached down to me at my lowest point, offered himself to be my rock to learn to live and trust again. He never betrayed that trust.

Secondly, I was only twenty-two years old. Red was twice my age. He was a mature man who had been around the block many times and as my Master, should have considered that. Every Master I spoke with said a good Master certainly wouldn't of handled it the way Red did. Most of the Master's in our family were shocked and amazed by Red's actions. That only made it worse for him.

Hell, you wouldn't even treat your pet that way. At best, love is hard to share. Somehow, I noticed, it's a little easier when you love both people. With T-bo it was more like he was stealing it from me and Red was his accomplice. In one thoughtless action Red maxed out his trust on deposit account with me. Lastly, T-bo was such a disgusting piece of shit it was really hard to let Red put his hands on me the first couple of times when we got back together.

When Red and I originally got back together and I agreed to be his slave he knew I had an undeveloped taste for what lay underneath the leather patch that covered his ass. As my Master it was his job to train me in the ways he most enjoyed sex. He slowly, carefully, and patiently trained me to make love to his ass the way he wanted. I was so damn turned on and fascinated by that leather patch over his asshole. I was like Judith in Bartok's, Bluebeard's Castle', I just had to find out what was behind that door. Like Judith, I opened the door and: Oh God!'

Didn't take me long to develop a taste for big, ugly man, butt hole. Talk about a one way street. Once you go down that road there ain't no turnaround. Then again, you don't want to either. `Sides, I was falling so much in love with Red before I split, I wanted to experience every part of him, I wanted to be a good slave for him, and I knew that was something he enjoyed. I wanted to please my Master.

I began to give in to a few perks. He seemed to be trying to be better, but then the constant sparring and jockeying for position would start up again. It wore me out emotionally. He wanted me to play sub games with him, and I went along to a point. He wanted me to pay homage to his boots like I'd done willingly before. I refused. He wanted me to call him Master. I refused. He wanted me to take his piss. I wouldn't. He wanted me to clean his ass out. I refused.( Damn it! I was cutting my nose off to spite my face on that one `cause I dearly loved to eat that big, ugly man's ass.) So, he'd overpower me, tie me up, force feed me his piss and sat on my face until I would clean him, if he had to sit there half the night reading a book.

Well,--when you got a hot man--`what' has his butt hole,--sitting right on your mouth,--what a' ya' gonna' do? I pretended to hate it, and all the while I couldn't get my damn tongue up there far enough. Gracious Red would always help me by taking his fingers and spreading it open for me; a thoughtful gesture on his part. I'd act mad as hell afterward, but he knew I protested too much. My old dick would be rock hard the whole time, and I'd shoot the biggest, gut wrenching loads I ever had in our history together. I had to admit, but not to him, it ripped me a new asshole to have him force me to drink his piss and clean him out. Then he would rape the holy hell out of me which turned me on even more. I was lost.

I was on the verge of leaving him, because of my own frustrations, when he started taking me by force. If I wouldn't give him what he wanted or what he needed, he was going to take it. I couldn't have been more turned on. I was hooked. It became a powerfully addictive sexual experience. It was as strong a need as an addictive drug. I couldn't wait for my next Booger fix. Is that what I secretly wanted? What's wrong with me? I didn't see myself as a masochist. Yet, I've never had more powerful sex with any man than the sex I had with old Booger when he decided to take it.

I hated him for it and loved him even more for it. What a dichotomy. What a conundrum. I hated him for assuming he could have his way with me, but loved him for wanting me bad enough and having the balls to overpower me to take what he needed. I got what I needed and more, yet I didn't have to give anything in return, at least emotionally. Don't kid yourself, he got what he needed, too. I'd never seen Red so sexually turned on as he was when he was taking it from me.

He became an animal. An absolute monster. He bloomed as a truly magnificent beast. My kinda man. I didn't have to be untrue to my convictions of not having the same old situation we had before. It certainly wasn't. It had evolved into a whole `nother ball game. I even found myself withholding sex and affection from him so he would take it from me. It was in those heights of passion I would babble uncontrollably about how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, that he had always been my Master, on and on and on--

He had tapped into his own personal goldmine of sex. He quickly learned how to mine my ore, and push my buttons to get what he wanted. I couldn't have been happier. Still, I refused to call him my Master and pay homage to his boots, especially in front of his biker buddies. Red would introduce me as his slave and I would embarrass him by correcting him.

"I'm not your slave. I ride with you. I sleep with you, that's it."

Our sex became more athletic and violent in his frustration and desire to force me to submit. At first he'd just slap me around and I would laugh at him. Then he got to backhanding me across the room. Before you think badly of Red take in to consideration I had probably hit him between the eyes with the damnedest, most off the wall, awful, name calling I could muster at the moment. I damn well deserved what I got. No slave should ever say to his Master the shit that came out of my mouth. No man should say to another man what I would yell at my Master no matter their relationship..

I never tried to retaliate by hitting him back. I never wanted it to escalate into a full blown fist fight. I was trained to fight until you took the other man out. I was good at it; the best in boot camp. Sarge challenged two other platoons and I won every match including the big ones like Twissleman. I took many out in Nam, but to do it I couldn't think about what I was doing,--just react,--and the other man was going down.

To do that meant I'd be trying to dominate Red and I didn't want that. I wanted him to control me; by force, if necessary, and,--if a little violence got mixed in the rue,--so much the better. He never really hurt me and the violence only added fuel to our all ready raging sexual bonfire. I learned what buttons to push to make him violent. It was like sometimes when you put quarter in a slot machine you know that quarter is gonna' pay off. I loved it. I knew which organ stop to pull to get `Vox humana monstroso agitatus.' Don't think bad of Red. It takes two sides to have a war, I had plenty of ammo and knew how to use it.

The more violent I could get him to be the better the sex afterward and then came the love and apologies. It was like the ascension scene from "Mefestophile, the funeral procession of Amenhotep from the first act of Glass's Akhnatan, the opening chorus of Bach's "St. Mathew's Passion," and the final movement of Beethoven's "Ninth," all distilled into a few moments of bliss . It was like when you're playing monopoly, you have only a hundred dollars in change before declaring bankruptcy and your opponent lands on Marvin Gardens and you've got three hotels sitting there. I had entered the backdoor of heaven.

I never wanted to dominate Red. I never tried to be in charge, but I wasn't gonna' make it easy for him to force me into a role when he'd done nothing towards setting thing right with me. By God, I met his price he could at least make an effort to meet mine.

So it goes with a lot of gay relationships where two lovers jockey for position and fight for mental or even physical dominance. It becomes an endless merry-go-round of no win arguments and frustration until one gets tired enough and gets off the ride. Or the arguing separates them to the point that they no longer can remember what attracted them to each other in the first place. It's difficult to lay down in the evening and make love to someone you've been arguing with all day no matter how attractive they are.

That's the beauty of Master/slave relationships. There's no arguing. A slave is trained and imprinted with his role and that's to be subservient to his Master. The slave is taught to trust and accept his Master's decisions in all matters. There's no room or purpose for arguments within these relationships. When his Master orders his slave to please him there's no angst nor hurt feelings to keep the slave from bringing his best to his Master. I never felt in danger when Red bound me and forced sex on me. After he got me bound and gagged or whatever, he was considerate until it came time to fuck me. Then he would take me hard, and fuck me harder. My ass would be sore for days. It felt wonderful. I couldn't wait for the next time; however, I would never give him a hint that it turned me on that much.

Red wasn't a dummy. He could tell. He once told me he could strum me like a two dollar banjo, and have me resonate like a fine violin. It was true. He could. Although, I always thought I sounded more like a wet pig whistling `Dixie.'

Red always fucked me until I came. He knew he could make me come by fucking me long enough and hard enough. Worked every time. I recognized each time when he began fucking me to get me off. It would send me to the nether regions of reality until I felt my whole body began to shudder like my soul was going to ejaculate through my cock. When I reached a climax it would actually hurt physically. I'd shoot so hard and so much it would drain me of every ounce of semen. Sometimes it would be so hard a shot there would be blood mixed with the come. The first time it happened it scared the hell out of Red. I assured him there was nothing to worry about.

Afterwards, he would unbind me, hold me in his arms like a limp dishrag, and pour his love into me with kisses and apologies as to why he had to take it from me. Red would growl at me in his deep, gravelly voice, he was so sorry he had to slap me around to get my attention, but he loved me so much he couldn't help himself. He wanted me so much and I wouldn't give it to him so he had no option but to take it from me. I drank it up like the nectar from a forbidden orchid guarded by the last of the true cannibal tribes, the Yammammi. One could only experience this by going through a secret right of passage into their tribe. It was sweet, powerful, and terribly addictive.

He'd tell me, that one day, because of his rough sex, I would become hooked on it like a drug, then I would crawl to him and beg him to take it from me. Then the only way I could find release was to call him my Master and beg to clean his dirty boots. He wasn't far wrong. He didn't realize how close he was. Red could've gotten Park Place and Boardwalk maxed out, for free, if he'd withheld sex from me for only a week.

I would've been reduced to a blithering, babbling, sex starved, zombie slave and done anything he asked. Hell, I would've called him any damn thing he wanted and ate his boots with relish. (not the pickled kind.) Pouring his love into me became the icing on the fucking cake. It was a major turn on and he had me where he wanted me. It became so good I considered giving in to him and calling him my Master again. After all, we'd been together at that time for almost a year and he hadn't so much as looked at another man.

We even ran into T-bo. He started toward us to say hello.' Big mistake on his part. He had that same queeny, shit eatin' little grin on his face like he'd taken a big crap in my sand pile and was gonna' rub my face in it; like he'd really put one over on me and gotten away with it. For some inexplicable reason the thought crossed my mind, The poor son of a bitch has no idea who he's dealing with.' I'd been passed through the bowels of the Earth, and eaten the shit from the asshole of a country in Southeast Asia. I killed men three times his size in hand to hand combat. I had no intention of eating this little queen's excrement.

`Don't give that slimy little bastard another chance, Cowboy!' my mind was screaming at me.

I jumped up walked purposefully toward him and decked him. Broke the son of a bitch's nose. Bled like a stuck pig. Blood all over the fucking place. Scared him to death. I reached down and grabbed the collar of his jacket and physically dragged him to his tent. I threw him down in front of it, kicked him in his ass as hard as I could with my steel-toed boot and told him if he wasn't out of camp in five minutes, I'd kill him.

The son of a bitch must have believed me `cause he never questioned me. He hastily gathered up his shit and under my pissed off gaze, ran to his bike, threw his shit on it and was gone. I ran the asshole out of camp. I strutted back to our tents like a fucking peacock on duty. Before he left, I told T-bo if he tried to return or even came near Red again, I'd kill him. From that day on, T-bo was afraid of me. Good! He damn well should be. I meant what I said.

Red was surprised at my sudden reaction but he was proud of me for standing up to T-bo, and not letting him pull his queeny little games. He didn't try to stop me either. He let me handle the scene the way I wanted. Red tried to hide it but he was also pleased that I'd taken such violent action against T-bo. I think it stunned Red to see what I was capable of. He'd never seen me really angry before, and was shocked at the swiftness of my actions. Red didn't think I had a fighting streak in me because I never fought him back when he roughed me up during our sex-war games. However, the greatest message it laid at his feet was just how much I loved and cared for him; enough to stand up for what was mine and not allow anyone to intrude on my territory.

It sent a clear message I wasn't a passive little slave that was going to let that piece of shit come between us again. Nor was I going to give T-bo the opportunity to make any future inroads into my world. He was warned. The next time I would kill him. I left no doubt in T-bo's or Red's mind.

"Would you really kill T-bo?" Red quietly asked me later, laying in our tent together.

"What do you think, Red?" I spoke softly.

"I think you would."

"If God can forgive me for killing `Charlie' he'll forgive me for killing T-bo." I rolled over and went to sleep.

From that moment on, Red developed a new respect for his slave. I think he was proud of me. I was proud of myself. I walked a little taller that afternoon, strutted `round the camp like one of them big, fat Japanese wrestling men that wears them diapers. Almost every man in the camp came by, patted me on the back, and told me they were glad the little bastard got his comeuppance. Let him ride with some other group that'll put up with his crap. They loved the way I handled it and threw him out of camp. Not a man came to his defense. Good riddance, they allowed. Red beamed and smiled at me when several patted him on the back, and told him he had a special man riding with him.

We had been playing some powerful games and Red was uneasy about where we were going from there. I was a little worried, too. I thought if I gave in to him and started being his slave again, calling him my Master, he would stop trying to take it away from me and I wasn't ready, just yet, to give that up. I was as hooked on rough sex as a drug addict to heroin; however, that night I shocked Red by giving myself to him in total submission. He didn't have to take it from me. I gave him my best and he responded in kind. Hell, he knew I still loved him as much or more than ever.

Everybody knew what Red and I were into because we made so much damn noise. He would yell and I would holler at him calling him every name but a good one to get him mad enough to take it away from me again. I knew every button to push to get the reaction I wanted. I knew exactly what I was doing. I could time it by my watch the exact time the volcano would erupt. He'd yell at me and call me every nasty name he could think of. Sometimes, we would stop, dead, in the middle and start laughing. He'd look at me, wink and say,

"Good one, Cowboy! Ooofff!! That was really nasty!" Then we'd fall into each others arms laughing. Laughed until we cried. My usual response.

"Oh, hell, Red! Fuck this, we both know what we want, let's cut to the chase." We'd fall together and fuck like snakes.

We both knew it had become an elaborate game but it was an important game to us. Fuck the world. Hours later, after we finished and were billing and cooing with each other, everyone in camp would literally roll on the ground laughing their fucking ass's off at us. Shit, we didn't care. Fuck `em! They didn't have a tenth of the passion we experienced in our love making.

I have to admit my love for Red doubled from what it was, but I wouldn't make it any easier on the poor man. I did start taking his piss on command. I knew he'd overpower me;--make me do it anyway, and I did enjoy it; wasn't gonna' let him know it though.

I'll say it again, if I'd gone through slave training, been imprinted as a slave, we wouldn't have played those games. Master Jeb's training worked, and many Master and slaves stayed together for years. A slave, turned out by Master Jeb and Master Jim would never question their Master's actions. Had the same situation happened with T-bo now, I would have reacted completely different. I would have yanked T-bo up by his short hairs, beat the living fuck out of him, then begged my Master's forgiveness for interrupting his fuck.

Red was actually becoming afraid of me. He knew that even though I was a bit smaller physically, I was in great shape, and could move quicker. In all our games when he overpowered me, I'd push him to the limit then would feign letting him get the best of me. He instinctively knew I could, in reality, kick his ass if I chose too. That only made the game more intoxicating to Red `cause he couldn't figure out why I wasn't defending myself when he was slapping me around.

He tried a couple of times to see how far I could be pushed. He messed my face up so badly a couple of times he was a wreck for a week afterward;--oh, baby,--would I milk it? I loved it! He'd even taunt me, "Be a man, Goddamn it! Stand up for yourself pussy, you're nothing but a fucking cunt in a man's body. Come on, you coward, you yellow bellied son of a bitch, hit me back. There,--" he'd point to his chin and stick it in my face, "there! Take your best shot, Pansy Ass!"

I never did. Every time he'd hit me, I told myself, `It's your Master hitting you. You will never raise a hand to your Master.' A couple of times he would get into it and I would beg him to stop. I couldn't go on. He always did, but he wanted to know why;- usually, I had come in my pants and the fuck was off. Talk about laughing at me, pointing a finger, rolling on the floor, saying the most humiliating, nasty, ugly, wonderful things about loving him.

"See, you little asshole! You won't admit you love me but your body tells me everything you can't. I told you I owned that little body of yours That just confirms it. I'll have your soul, too. It's only a matter of time, slave." He was right. That's one argument Red won hands down.

I look back to those days, and ask myself if I would've traded those rough sex scenes for a more sedate, controlled, Master/slave relationship with Red if I'd been a trained, imprinted slave? Don't have to think too long for an answer to that one. Fuck no! I've never experienced such passion in my life, and I don't expect to again. Does that mean that the other loves of my life were not as important? That they were dull by comparison? Certainly not! Each relationship has it's own rewards. It's own unique personality.

In some ways it becomes an entity unto itself that's born, has an infancy, a childhood, an adolescence, a mature period, an older period and hopefully a successful, loving conclusion. Notice I didn't say `end'? Love never ends. Buck taught me that. Love is stronger than death. There are no waters that can quench it, neither can a flood drown it.

We arrived in Los Angeles to visit on Mt. Washington. The family gathered to say `Hello' and wish us well. They knew we'd been through a rough patch, and wanted the best for us. Tim was a changed young man. He was in his last month of slave training, and Master Ben was allowed to visit regularly. In fact he was due in that weekend. I looked forward to seeing him again. It had been sometime.

You could tell by the way that Tim talked about Master Ben, he was very much in love with his, soon to be, Master. Tim had actually grown in height, and was becoming an attractive man. He was so attentive to his training Master's and every Master that came to visit. He was on Red's boots in a minute, and Red ate it up. He thought Tim was a little bit of heaven.

Master Jim had taken him to the gym regularly, and he was becoming a knock out of a handsome young man. He would make Master Ben a fine slave.

I was thrilled to see Wes again, but he didn't seem happy. I pulled him aside to talk to him.

"Sweet baby, we've been close too long for you not to tell your old cowboy what's wrong. You know I ain't gonna' say nothing. I thought you'd be happy as a clam in deep water with that handsome man for a Master. I damn near shit my pants the first time I met him at the Yuba River outside Sacramento. I was even more impressed when I found out he was an LAPD motor officer."

"That's just it, Cowboy, he bought me for a domestic slave and not to pleasure him. I take care of his house and see to his every need. Then I'm sent to my room every night, alone. I get so lonely because I've fallen in love with him, but don't know what to do. All I want to do is serve him in every way. The only time I feel alive is when I'm with him. I know I'm not worthy to clean his boots. He's so fucking gorgeous I can't even look at him over dinner because I'm so afraid he'll see the love in my eyes, it'll scare him, and he'll get rid of me."

"You poor baby." I held him in my arms as he cried his heart out. "Is there anything I can do? I know him fairly well. Well enough to talk to him about it if you wish."

"Promise you won't, Cowboy. I'm satisfied to be his house servant. I love him so much, even if I can't have him that way, I'm willing to be his slave to be near him. I know that sounds sick, but I've never felt this way about another Master. He's so good and kind to me that sometimes he almost breaks my heart. I find myself wanting to do something wrong just to have him punish me to have his attention. At least I'd get to experience his passion in punishing me. Now, how sick it that?"

"Wes, Darlin,' with what I've gone through with Red this last year, I'm not the one to ask that question. We have, perhaps, the singularly most fucked up, sick relationship on record." I laughed as he looked at me incredulously.

"I'm not kidding, Wes." I told him the details, and, of course, I made it outrageously funny to bring his spirits up. I could reveal the secrets of my soul to Wes and never worry. So, he got the entire picture. Me getting hooked on the rough sex;---everything. I was even laughing so hard at my own take of Red and my relationship, everyone wondered what we were talking about.

Wes confided he hadn't had sex with anyone since Master Earl bought him. I approached Master Earl and humbly asked his permission to take his slave to a bedroom in Master Jeb's house, and fuck the B'Jesus out of him. Master Earl knew of Wes and my close friendship, and granted my request with no problem.

I ran it by Booger earlier, and he didn't seem to mind. I told him if he had a problem with it to let me know, but not to throw it in my face later because it wouldn't hunt. I wouldn't do it if it was going cause problems. I explained my reasons for wanting to help Wes. Red asked if he could watch? I asked Wes, and surprisingly he thought Red was as sexy as I found him to be. We ended up sandwiching Wes between us, and taking turns fucking him. Wes loved it and so did we. I would fuck him down the throat as Red plowed his tight little butt. We had a wonderful afternoon and Wes went back to his Master with a big smile on his face and four loads of man come in his gut.

Later, Master Earl discovered the treasure he had stored in the other bedroom of his home. He took Wes into his big heart, and his love for him grew. Wes had found the Master that would do for him all the things I knew he needed in a Master. Master Earl D. Shaw re-made Wes into one of the most admired slaves in our family and Wes came to love his Master like no other.

That night I allowed Red to make normal love to me, and responded like I use to with him. I couldn't see putting our family through one of our rough and tumble sex scenes. Besides, we'd call a `Kings-X' to our sex wars around our family. I would never embarrass Red by refusing to be his slave and submit to him in front of our family. I played the game for his sake. I called him Master, went though the ritual, and catered to him.

I found out that evening that I'd fallen deeply in love with Red again, and I was beginning to trust him more and more. I was still wary of giving Red a lot of control over me emotionally, but I was ready to start tearing down the scaffolding. As I went into a peaceful sleep, Buck came to me again. He took me in his arms, and held me.

"Like that rough sex, don't cha,' Sweetheart?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Listen to you, `Yes Sir', I like that. I would've eventually made you my slave. If, for no other reason to never let you get away from a cowboy that couldn't do without you. You ready to be my slave over here?"

"That would be my idea of heaven, Buck." he laughed and kissed me. He knew I'd be any damn thing he wanted me to be.

"You're doing fine, Cowboy. They're gonna' let you know before much longer why you have to be with Red. You do love him, don't you?"

"Yes Buck, I do." I said quietly not wanting him to think I'd betrayed his love.

"It'll get easier, I promise, Cowboy. Hang in there! I'll come to you when you need me. I'll be by your side. I'll hold your hand. I love you so much, Billy." He started to fade. This time I let him go with a whisper.

"I love you, too, Buck." I listen to hear if Red heard me. He hadn't. I fell back into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I'd experienced in months. God and my celestial cowboys had granted me peace that night.

We hung around Mt. Washington and took a trip to the desert to visit Master Zack. Master Beryl was living with him at the time. Master Beryl was thinking about getting a place of his own and was looking around the desert area near Master Zack's. Harley Boone was there in a hospital bed. Mutt was taking care of him. Mutt's Master had shot Harley on the road and caused him to total his bike and almost killed him. He was in traction and casts all over his body.

We visited with him and Mutt a lot while we were there. What a strange relationship that was. Harley Boone is a straight man but because of their friendship and having saved Mutt's life a couple of times, Mutt became Harley's devoted care taker. Mutt was satisfied with serving Harley as his nurse and asked nothing more. Even though they might not be compatible sexually there was a warm friendship that passed between them that was good to see.

We had a wonderful visit with Master Zack and Big Beryl. We spent most of the week with them but I wanted to get back in to Los Angeles to see Master Ben when he came to visit Tim. We rode back in and really had a good visit with Master Ben.

Red and I were having sex and sleeping with each other in a more normal fashion when we were visiting our family. I acquiesced to Red and played the role of his slave. I called him Master and performed the ritual so I wouldn't embarrass Red before our family. In a way, to refuse in front of our family would be the ultimate castration of his male ego as a Master, and I loved Red as my Master. No other man in our family came close to wearing the title of `Master' the way he did.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that to him. He had a certain image and status to uphold within the family. Besides, I didn't want the man I loved being thought of as a bad Master. It wasn't true anyway, Red was a good Master and I would've jumped any man's ass with a correction that dared say otherwise. Red told me he appreciated me playing the role of slave around our family and I believe him. It was feeling good and natural for me to show him homage again.

I noticed that he was off to the side talking to Master Ben a lot. They had their heads together and talking quietly and seriously. Ben seemed to be concerned and doing much understanding listening. When I would approach they'd change their topic of conversation. I knew Ben and I were too close for him to be giving Red council about our relationship but I had no idea what they might be discussing. Then Red talked to Master Jeb and Big Jim a lot. Again I'd get shined on when I came around to join their conversation.

We were there for about a week and a half and Red and Big Jim would mysteriously disappear several afternoons and would be gone for several hours. They would always return and Red would come find me and after the ritual greeting give me a big hug and a kiss. I was curious but knew better than to ask. If my Master wanted me to know where he was going he'd tell me and by that point I trusted Red completely.

I intuitively knew he wasn't meeting some slave for a tryst. I knew Red's smells and would know instantly if someone else had been near him. Surprisingly, that thought didn't upset me anymore. If my Master chose to do that then I didn't want to know anyway. He wouldn't be going with Big Jim if he was meeting someone and I knew he and Big Jim weren't doing it. He never offered explanation. I never asked and he seem to appreciate that I didn't.

I was beginning to get a bit paranoid. I wasn't giving Red what he wanted but I thought he'd accepted that our relationship wasn't going to be like it was. He still had made no effort to make things right between us, but in our rough games he always saw to it, I got my pleasure as well as his. Red was never a selfish nor sadistic man that way. He'd been totally faithful to me over the last year.

I'd fallen so much more in love with Red again that the stupid incident with T-bo seemed insignificant now. I wasn't worried that Red would do it again. I began to believe he hadn't meant to hurt me. It didn't stick in my craw anymore after I kicked T-bo's ass and ran him out of camp. Perhaps I'd punished Red enough and should let things be like he wanted.

I began to miss the feeling of being owned and the security of considering myself Red's personal property. Maybe Ben had been right. I did, after all, agree to be his slave. I missed doing the little things for him we both enjoyed. I wanted to be his slave again in every sense. I was beginning to look for an opening to see if I could talk to Red and reach a middle ground of understanding where I could once again give myself to him as his slave.

We left Los Angeles and were on the road again. Master Ben had invited us to ride to Las Vegas and be his guest for a week at the Riviera and then on to Reno for another week with him. Red accepted and we had a wonderful trip through the desert. We camped about half way there and had one of our best sex-war games we'd had. But it was different. We laughed and kidded each other through the whole thing. I'd egg him on to get him to do what I wanted.

"You wouldn't dare tie me up and force feed me that dirty asshole of yours, you ingrate."

"You don't think so, huh, slave? Ingrate? You call me an ingrate? You're the fucking ingrate. You should be groveling at my boots in thanks for giving you the honor to clean an ass as tasty as mine, you little prick."

And off we'd go. I ended up trussed up like a Christmas turkey with a big, ugly, man butt hole being ground into my mouth. I loved every minute of it. I let go with him and told him afterward how much I loved him for playing these stupid games with me. The old man cried in my arms and told me he'd known from the first that I loved him for it.

He knew I didn't want to give it up. He admitted he found it a new world of sex that he would find hard to give up as well. Red and I laughed about it for days. After that battle we were so much in love we acted like two silly kids. I know it sounds crazy but it happened. I knew the time was near to set it straight with Red and become his good little slave again. I loved him to much not to be his total slave.

After we got to Vegas we continued to have great sex and I felt that we were easing our way back into a good relationship. I began to treat Red with more gentleness. I was beginning to pamper him again. Even our friends noticed that I was more attentive to my Master. I was beginning to trust Red more and more.

The third night we were there we had dinner with Ben, Little Steve, and Cal. Master Cal and his slave had recently moved back to Las Vegas and were acting as escorts and body guards for Master Ben. Ben sent them to school and had them take lessons in handling weapons and they both were licensed to carry Guns in Nevada. It did wonders for Steve. Cal would laugh and tell us,

"Yeah, surprised the hell out of me. My slave actually developed bones in his wrists." Then he'd roar with laughter. Steve would just giggle.

Like Harry, Master Ben enjoyed their company and didn't have to worry if he wanted to get away and spend some time with them at their place in the desert. Red and I helped Cal and Steve with a patio project at their house and I was tired. We all went gambling that evening and won pretty heavily. Master Ben always seemed to do well when the five of us went to the casino. I didn't drink a lot but the wine with dinner hit me and I began to get sleepy. I said my goodnights and retired to our room earlier than usual. Red promised he'd be along in a bit. He never came back to the room. He took his bike and left. There was a note from Red for me at the front desk.

Cowboy,

I know I fucked up really bad. I'd hoped by now you would've forgiven me for my indiscretion, and things would get back to normal but I guess they never will. It's been a little over a year now since my stupid error in judgment. You gave me another chance and I guess I failed miserably. I've enjoyed every minute with you but I deeply miss the giving, caring, trusting, sweet young man that chose a beast over beauty. I know, now, I can never have him again but it's not your fault. I fucked up and accept the responsibility for my actions, but I have to move on, Cowboy.

I'll let you go to be with whoever you want. I wish you the best. I hope they can make you happier than I did. In short, Cowboy, I just don't feel like being punished anymore. God knows, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I never thought you'd care that deeply about that sort of thing, but I was wrong. If I could, I'd go back and change the past; I can't, so it's time for me to hit the road. This isn't a game, Billy, it's what I have to do. I've never loved a man the way I love you, Cowboy, and even if you never think of me again as your Master, you will always be my cowboy. I'll never stop loving you but we both need to get on with our lives.

Your loving Master,

Red

"Oh God, Red! How could you do this to me?" I wanted to scream. Just when I was beginning to trust him enough to talk to him about setting things right between us. If he'd hung on just a little longer everything would have been fine.

"Well, Cowboy, when did you plan to have this little talk? You were still clinging to your own selfish needs for rough sex and using your leverage to get what you wanted. If you were clever you could have had both. Red was a man of great invention. He loved you enough to give you what you needed. You didn't need to manipulate it out of him." I chastised myself. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do.

I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it or be around my friends for a while. I didn't want to be around Ben or my bike family. I had a feeling they knew this was going to happen and no one said a word to me. I felt hurt, angry and betrayed. I was more angry at my friends than Red. It wasn't like Ben, my brother, to be this way, to say nothing of Steve and Cal who were two of my best buddies. I left Vegas without a word to anyone.

Where does one go to lick their wounds? Hell, yes, home to the arms of the biggest man in the world, my dad. I made a bee line to Mason. I made sure I didn't come into town until three o'clock in the morning when every thing was shut down and no one on the streets to see me arrive. I hid my bike in Dad's huge barn of a garage and Lester let me in the back door. I hugged him and told him I'd see him in the morning, I was going to bed. I went to bed and didn't get up. I didn't want any of the town folk to know I was home.

Dad came in my room and sat on the bed to talk to me. I couldn't, I just cried in his big arms. I told him I'd tell him later. I didn't want to talk to anybody or see anyone but my dad, Uncle Joe or Lester. I went to bed and slept around the clock for over a week. I wasn't particularly tired, I just didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't eat. I was losing weight. I would curl up in the fetal position, pull the covers over my head and just sleep. Ben called several times and dad wouldn't lie to his other son.

"Yeah Son, he's here and we're worried about him. He won't go out of the house. We can't get him out of his room; hell, we can't get him out of bed. He's sleeping around the clock. He won't eat. He's losing weight. He won't tell me what happened. We don't know what to do. I know my boy well enough to know something bad has happened to him, he's hurting really bad but I can't help him if he won't talk to me."

"Can I fly home to be with him, Dad? I have a couple of days free starting tomorrow. I've got one of my father's private jets and could fly into San Antonio around noon tomorrow. Would you mind picking me up and we can talk on the way back.

"Be happy to, Son. Come on, he can't get pissed `cause my other boy wants to come home, too. Maybe that's what he needs right now is his big brother." Dad and Uncle Joe met Ben at the Airport. They were glad to see each other. It had been a while but their bond of love was solid. Ben had flown the three of them to Vegas for a weeks vacation, several times to Reno and treated them lavishly. They brought Ben back to the house and quietly set him up in the newer bedroom.

I was in my old room. I loved my old bed. It was like returning to the womb. Ben didn't try to come in and talk. I was sound asleep and felt someone nude crawling in bed with me. At first, I thought it was my dad and started to complain, then I realized it was my brother. He took me in his arms and didn't say a word. He just held me. It was the first time I let any of it out and he got it all. I cried my heart out in his arms. He didn't comment, didn't try to stop me, just let me get it out.

Later that evening we got up and I was hungry. Having Ben home made me feel a little better. I sat and ate with my family and told them what happened. I didn't know what to do. After I told them how close I was to setting things straight between Red and I, dad kind of snorted.

"It's not like you Billy three to give up and crawl in a hole. I've taught you better'n `at. I know you well enough to know you needed to recoil from the hurt. You've done that. Now, are you going to let that old man get away with this? You got a lot of Bud in you but I was the one what taught you about life. You can thank me for the damn stubborn streak you got. I also taught you never to accept anything at face value. Find out for yourself what's really going on. Go directly to the horses mouth.

Get your ass out there on the road, find that old bastard and tell him how you feel. You've invested almost three years in that crazy old man, you're obviously bonkers about each other so swallow your pride, go rope and hog tie the son of a bitch. Don't let him up `til you make him admit he loves you and can't live without you. Kick his ass, get his attention and tell him you love him and can't live without him either. You gave him another chance, the least the ugly bastard can do is give you another chance.

"No disrespect, Dad, but there's a little more to it than that." spoke Ben quietly. "Red wasn't truthful with cowboy. We all know it now and we're not pleased with Red when we found out what he'd done. I probably should have shared with Billy but Red swore me to secrecy; however, at the time I didn't know Red planned to do what he did to Billy.

As far as I'm concerned, keeping a sworn oath becomes null and void when you blatantly hurt another person by lying to them,--especially my little brother. By the way, Cowboy, Harry, Cal and Steve feel so bad `cause they knew why you took off without saying goodbye. You thought your closest friends including your brother knew about this and didn't give you a clue. My personal apologies as well, Cowboy. You had a right to be hurt, especially after what Red did. We didn't know he was gonna' do that or we would never have allowed him to swear us to secrecy. We never should've in the first place.

Red was afraid and has been for a while about a problem he's been having with vision and balance. He came to me that weekend at Master Jeb's and Jim's and asked if I'd arrange some medical test with my doctors at U.C.L.A. I did and they examined him. I don't know how to tell you this, Cowboy, but just to give it to you straight. Red has an inoperable brain tumor and has less than a year to live. Maybe six to eight months max."

There was a silence fell over the kitchen. I immediately felt sick and ran to the downstairs bathroom to throw up. I noticed sometimes Red seemed to lose his sense of equilibrium. His vision had always been a bit spotty so I hadn't noticed much change in that except now and again he'd hand me something and tell me to read it aloud for the both of us.

The fog was clearing. Things were beginning to be more clear. He didn't want me to know. He wanted me to go on with my life as he rode off into the sunset, alone, to die. It's a great scene in a western movie but in real life it sucks. He wouldn't have been alone. Our family would never let him be alone. Ben would never let him be alone, nor Steve, Cal or Harry. Then I got angry. I was suppose to live with the guilt of destroying one of the most passionate relationships of my life?

"Ah, hell, Cowboy, his head was up his ass with fear when he tried to find an excuse to break if off with you." I calmed myself. "Let it teach you a lesson, you over reacted to his tryst with T-bo big time. Give the man a break." I chastised myself. He probably thought I'd run to Dan Yates when he broke it off with me.

In his less than magnanimous attempt to break up he hoped I would run to Dan. I wouldn't go to Dan in the condition I was in. I wouldn't do that to him. Besides I would never think of going to Dan until I had some resolution with Booger. Besides, I was ready to bet that God wasn't through with me and Red. I knew it in my heart. This was the reason the Old Man wanted me to be with Red. I felt awful for not trusting him.

I wanted to go to bed. I needed to talk to someone and I had to be asleep to do it. My family and Ben were concerned. They didn't know how the news was going to affect me and didn't want me going back into a depressive sleep marathon. I apologized and promised my family I was fine. Please, leave me alone tonight and I'll be fine tomorrow morning, trust me. I agreed to let my brother sleep with me and joined him in the newer bedroom.

I wasn't going to sit idly by while my old man, my Master, my love, was out there hurting. He wanted a devoted slave, by God, he'd have one. He wanted to be my Master, by God, he would be. Somehow things didn't look so bad anymore. I was devastated to hear about Red and knew I had another hill to climb but I thought I could do it. I didn't think God would put this on me if he didn't think I could handle it. I'd lost loved ones before. It never gets easier but I'd been through it. It wasn't good news but I also knew this life wasn't all there was. This is only a place to try our damnedest to do the right thing and be a good person. I knew without a doubt Buck would come to me that night.

Ben was concerned about his brother and lay there holding Cowboy in his arms. He dosed. He always felt comfortable in this old house and felt that this room was special for him and Cowboy. The young man who lay in his arms had no idea what he meant to Ben. He had no idea the depth of Ben's love for him. Even though Cowboy was a slave, or saw himself that way, he was still Ben's brother. He acted without thinking and would have given his life for Ben. Ben felt sad and guilty because unwittingly his inactions to inform Cowboy had caused him great pain.

As he lay there awake Ben saw the curtains over the open window billow out into the room and this radiant light moved slowly toward the bed. Ben wanted to wake Cowboy but something from the light told him not to and then it appeared to Ben. A big, handsome, mean looking cowboy, complete with boots and a huge, brown, felt hat shaped to fit the spirits personality. Ben knew immediately who he was. He looked so much like his dad it had to be Buck. Cowboy told Ben, Buck would come to him in his sleep.

Buck smiled at Ben, put his finger to his lips indicating for Ben to be silent but all of a sudden Ben could hear him in his mind.

"Howdy, Ben. Don't be frightened. Guess you know I'm Buck."

"Yes, Buck, I recognize you."

"I asked Allah if I could say hello to you and he said, "Okay."

"Are you real or am I dreaming?"

"You ain't dreaming, my Brother. You can see me, you can hear me. Let's just be quiet so's not to disturb our love laying there in your arms. When I come to him in his dreams we can hold each other, kiss and feel each other and he needs that right now; to say nothing of my own selfish urges to hold him again. I think you can understand where I'm coming from. I've seen the number of times when something was bothering Billy you wanted to reach out and hold him but you couldn't `cause Red was there."

"Yes, you're right, Buck. I love my new salve, my little brother, but there is a special love in my heart for this man and his family that only grows from year to year. It will never diminish."

"You're right, Ben, it will only grow stronger over the years and you will find them a great source of comfort and unconditional love you can draw from when things get rough for you. Remember, Allah is with you and all you have to do his speak his name; he will come to you.

I've come to talk to Cowboy but I wanted to talk to you first. We're all proud of you, Ben. Allah, as you call him, loves you and is very proud of you. He has chosen you to succeed your dad when Allah decides to take him home. He knows you'll rule your country with strength, but with love for your people. You will bring about great social changes in your society and offer any child from the lowest of men an education.

You will see that they are educated as far as they wish to learn. Your county will prosper and grow in respect from the world. Take special care of your two slaves, Tim and Keshan. Keshan will save your life one day and you will come to appreciate him as much as Tim but in a different way.

You will offer Keshan his freedom and make him your brother associated with your family. He will not accept his freedom and will see it as a rejection of his love. Then you must give him a ceremony with Cowboy's family formally acknowledging him as your slave.

Be good to Cowboy's immediate family including Lester. They will love you as no others will. They will protect you with their lives if necessary. So will Cowboy's larger family, the Clan. They all love you very much. I want to thank you personally for being Cowboy's friend and brother. You never have to worry about his love for you. You hold a great piece of his heart.

"Now I must go to him. I'll take his hand but you won't be able to hear me. He may speak in his sleep. Just hold him and he'll continue to sleep."

"Thank you, Buck, and tell his Holiness I love him, too."

"I will, Ben." Buck looked over his shoulder, "He heard and said to tell you he loves you, too."

With that Buck took Cowboy's hand and glowed even brighter. He would wink at Ben now and then as he was communicating with Cowboy. Cowboy would utter a few words and a couple of complete sentences. Ben held him tightly. He could feel the muscles move in Cowboys body responding to the feelings and the touch of his love, Buck. Ben got tears in his eyes for the shared love of the moment. He too, loved the man he held and felt only joy that his lost love was with him.

"They told you, Cowboy?" Buck asked me.

"Yeah Buck, they did."

"Now you know why he wanted you to stay with Red."

"Yeah, I feel like a fool, Buck. I should've trusted your Boss. He knows what he's doing. I own him one hell of an apology. Would you tell him for me how ashamed I am and thank him for me for allowing me to love Booger." Buck looked over his shoulder, gave an okay sign to someone I couldn't see.

"He just signaled me, Billy, he heard every word you said and he loves you for understanding."

"Go find your Master, Cowboy. I'll help you. Your friends will help you. They know you won't be trying to find Red to be bad to him, they'll help you. The man holding you in his arms this minute will help you. He has great love for you, Cowboy. Lean on him, your immediate family and your brothers in the clan when the time comes. The Old Man is going to see to it you have a couple more immediate family members to help you through this."

"How, Buck?"

"Haven't you learned to trust him?"

"Completely, Buck! I don't ever want him angry at me again."

"Okay, Sweetheart, he won't be. Trust him. Trust what I'm telling you. These men will be closer to you than brothers and will bear your name. You will unconditionally share your love for your Master with them. Sharing Red's love will only increase his love for you and your own personal strength. They will increase the love you and Red have for each other by ten fold.

"I should've been better to him, Buck. I made him pay too much."

"Hey! Now, don't go beat'n yourself up, Darlin, as your Master, that's gonna' be my job." He laughed and winked at me, "You didn't make him pay too much. He didn't listen to you. You told him what he had to do but he didn't even try. He shouldn't have done what he did to you but like Ben told you, you did agree to be his slave. Besides Red wouldn't have stayed with you if it was too much.

Listen, that old man loved that rough sex as much as you did. He got what he needed and more. Just lighten up some when you find him. He needs you now, Billy. He's hurting. He's afraid of having to face his own mortality and hurting even more for letting you go. In his heart he knows it was his second stupidest mistake with you.

Not having you by his side is,--well, it's eating him up. That old man loves you more than you can know, Cowboy. Go to him. Be his good slave and help him to the end. Don't delay. It's important! The minute you find out were he's headed follow him and find him. It's important, Cowboy! Trust me! It's very important!

You can do it, Billy. I'll be with you. Your uncle will help. We'll all be there to help you. Hell, the Old Man said he might even drop by to check on you. God really loves you, Cowboy. He has a weakness for cowboys. Tell Red we'll be waiting for him. We'll come take him home when he's ready. He won't have to cross alone. We'll be there to take his hand."

"Will you take my hand and lead me when it's my time, Buck?"

"Oh, hell no, Cowboy," he paused for effect and smiled real big, "I'll pick you up in these cowboy love'n arms, carry you to the Old Man's feet myself and tell him, `Here he is Master, the cowboy you found favor with and we all love so much.'"

"I love you, Buck."

"I love you, too, Cowboy." and, he was gone.

Ben watched as Buck let go of Cowboy's hand. He smiled and waved goodbye to Ben, turned to the window and was gone. Ben listened to Cowboy sigh and drift into a deep sleep. His breathing changed and became softer and more regular. His soul was at peace. Ben slept and dreamed of holding his two slaves in his arms.

I passed into a peaceful, dreamless sleep that found me refreshed and ready to face a new day. My family was amazed at my attitude. Not Ben! He knew I would be ready. He shared with me and my family his seeing and talking with Buck. He told us all the things that Buck had told him. Except he shared the part about being good to my family only with me. Ben was feeling bad last night when we went to bed but this morning he positively glowed with excitement and love.

I was ready to leave. I drove with my Dad to take Ben back to the airport and returned to wait to hear from him. He said he would get back to Reno and make a couple of phone calls to find out where Red was. Maybe even Harry knew or he might have a message waiting for him. One way or another they would let me know. He called and told me that Red was on his way to Reno. He just left Mt. Washington that afternoon and wanted visit Ben and Harry.

I left Mason that same afternoon headed north toward Reno. I thought I might meet up with Red somewhere along the way. I got to Reno and checked with Ben and Harry. Ben said Red had stayed the night with them. They tried to get him to stay because they knew I was on my way but he was restless and lost. He would start crying at the least little thing. They thought it was the reaction to the news that he didn't have long to live.

"No, that's not it." said Red, "Hell, we've all gotta' go sometime. I'm certainly not afraid of dying. I've been around the cowboy too long to know for damn sure this isn't all there is. I've seen him talk in his sleep to Buck, his cowboy buddies and his uncle. I know they come to him because I've felt their presence.

What I'm crying about is, I never set it straight with Cowboy for hurting him that time. It was the biggest fuck'n mistake of my life and I still can't live with it. I guess I realized instead of trying to work to regain his trust, I demanded it from him. I thought as his Master I had that right! I kept thinking, `I apologized. Get over it, Kid!'

Well, he dug his heels in and refused. Fought me every step of the way. I can't blame the kid. He wasn't a trained, imprinted slave. I took it on myself to train him and failed at that, too. He didn't have the foundation to understand my actions. `Cause I was a Master, I expected him to understand. He didn't.

Cowboy told me he hoped the price I was gonna' pay for fucking T-bo was worth it. It wasn't, T-bo was the worst piece of ass I ever had. I still don't know why I let that worthless piece of shit talk me into fucking him.

I can remember the pain in Cowboy's eyes when he was on his bike getting ready to leave me. I've been face to face with death on a battlefield with my buddies, close friends, loved ones, but I've never seen pain in a man's face like that; especially, one I loved. What's worse,--I was responsible for it. It's permanently etched on my mind and I can't fucking forgive myself for hurting the kid like that.

Then, I was angry with him, not because he couldn't understand but because he caught me. I could see my world crumbling around me and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Hell, the more I demanded, the more he pulled away. I never really tried to just let it be, be his good Master and slowly regain his trust. He tried to tell me. That's all I had to do. I wouldn't listen. I was his Master" Red said in an exaggerated voice.

"He told me exactly what I had to do to have his trust again and he was willing to give me the chance. I fucked up! He gave me the chance to set things right between us and because of my stupid macho pride I wouldn't try it his way. From what I did to him he had every right to demand that from me. I swore to him when we first got together he was the only slave I wanted. But no! I was Master and he'd do it my way or else. I would once again make him pay my price. If'n he didn't, I'd take what was mine.

When we first got together he didn't want to be my slave nor call me Master. He wanted to ride with me, be my buddy and bunk it in with each other. I gave him an ultimatum. Either he accepted me as his Master and became my slave or I was going solo again. I wanted it all with the kid and he was still licking his wounds from Nam. I had to have it my way or there wasn't going to be a way.

He thought about it for as long as it took me to take a shower,--then as he was drying me he asked a favor. He asked me when I got his dog tags for his collar to make sure they spelled `Cowboy' correctly. He gave in to me to prove he loved me; he paid my price, but I couldn't swallow my masculine ego to be what he needed for only a short period of time.

It's eating me up. I love him so fucking much I don't want him to watch me die. Yet, I'm lost without him. When we first got together I asked myself if I was trying to relive my love for Bud, his real father, through Cowboy. I loved Bud, loved him so much I wouldn't take another slave after him,--but I love that kid ten times more than I loved Bud.

I know in my heart Bud wouldn't hate me for saying that. He looks just like Bud, down to his cock and balls, but he's his own man. It's like loving another man in Bud's body, except I love the man inside that body with all my heart. The better part of what I am today as a man is because of that Goddamn kid.

I remember the pain from our separation over Christmas that year. He doesn't know it but I damn near went crazy. I bought a gun and was gonna' end the pain Christmas eve I was hurting so bad. This is a hundred times worse. I feel like I'm going nuts and I can't handle it. I wish I didn't love the kid so fuckin' much. Oh, Ben, I hurt so Goddamn bad!" Red began to cry in Ben arms.

"You and Cowboy have something special, Red. Most men would give anything to have half the passion in their lives that you and Cowboy have managed to cram into yours. Shouldn't you give him the option of being with you if he wants?" Harry asked. "You know, I've come to know Cowboy pretty damn well and I know underneath his stubbornness he loves you now more than ever. He's confided in me he thinks he's pushed the punishment thing too far. He was going to talk to you here in Vegas about giving himself to you again in a formal ceremony with our family. Right now, he's just thinking you left him. He doesn't know about your condition. Think what it's doing to him."

"Well, I understand but I don't want him knowing. It's gonna' be hard enough to do this without him, let alone have him find out and come to me out of pity. Besides, as long as he's happy it will help me knowing I did the right thing for once in my fucked up, miserable life."

"I'm not sure you're doing the right thing, Red." said Ben. "I feel like Harry does, that he should be given that option. You haven't been truthful with Cowboy concerning the real reasons you left him. He just thinks it's all his fault. You wrote him that note that said you were leaving him because he was still punishing you for your mistake. You put all the guilt on Billy and I know for a fact it wasn't all his fault. Last I heard he was pining his heart out in Mason. Locked himself in his room. Won't come out for anyone."

"He is?" asked Red amazed, "I thought he'd ride straight to Dan Yates."

"That's so Goddamn unfair of you, Red. You're a bigger man than that!" Harry barked at Red with anger in his voice, "That kid loves you more than you realize or want to admit. You've always had a jealous streak against Dan Yates and Cowboy hasn't even talked to him since you two have been together. He loves Dan. Who wouldn't? I love Dan Yates. You would, too, if you ever met him. He's just the kind of man you'd love and respect. He's a fine, decent, good looking man. Cowboy never lied to you about his love for Dan. He was open and honest.

I personally admire the hell out of that kid. He put Dan Yates' love aside to keep his commitment to you. You can't call the kid selfish. He put you first. He decided to love you, Red, and that kid is devoted to you. He put his love for you before Dan Yates. So, don't go there, I won't listen to crap like that. That's just pure, unadulterated bull shit, Red, and you know it." Harry told him angrily.

Red tucked his head. "Yeah, maybe you're right, Harry, I'm sorry. I know you're both crazy about Cowboy and you have to know I am, too; otherwise, I wouldn't be hurt'n like I am. I've cried myself to sleep the last three nights without him in my arms to hold on to. I know you guys are my closest friends and I love you but you can't imagine how alone I feel without that kid by my side."

When Ben related the conversation to me I started crying and told him I'd have to call him back in a few minutes. I did and apologized. He understood. He said Booger had taken off, headed for the Russian River, to a resort that was owned by the guys that I had stayed with when our family rode up there. I stopped in Reno long enough to have a meal with Ben, Harry, Cal and Steve. It was a quiet dinner. My friends knew I was hurting and only wanted to be supportive. They all apologized for not telling me. I tried to be up but they understood. I thanked Ben for being my brother and coming to Mason to tell me the truth. I would forever love him for that.

End of Chapter 13~ Booger Red & Cowboy Copyright 2003 Waddie Greywolf Mail to: waddiebear@yahoo.com