Book Bonds Chapter 5
DISCLAIMER: This story is fiction. Any resemblance to real-life people or events is entirely coincidental. If you are not old enough to read such content, you should not continue. The author does not bear any responsibility for misuse or individual consequences when reading this work.
ABOUT THE STORY: "Book Bonds" was the first gay fiction series I ever wrote back in 2012. It revolves around books and reading that connect the two main characters. I wanted it to be a romance story that shows the way one can navigate through the mundane high school life. Unfortunately it remained unfinished, for which I'm sorry, but I think one can still enjoy the published chapters and imagine their own end of the story. Since I wrote a few more gay fiction stories around that time, I wanted to gather them in one place, edit them and give them a better look. You can find links to those other stories at the end of this one. I haven't changed anything regarding the plot or the story dynamics in any of them, everything has stayed as it was written. Looking back from almost ten years of experience, during which I went through different stages of living as a gay man, I can now fully explain what purpose writing gay fiction served me personally and what I sought to develop though it. Still, I find these stories charming even now and I appreciate the readers' feedback I have received over the years. If the story somehow finds you, I hope you enjoy it, too!
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CONTACT: You can contact me at yoxone@ymail.com
BOOK BONDS
By Yoxone
Chapter 5: Touché with an essay
Fairy Artists
There is an old scripture which tells us about the trial of the fairies...
According to the legend, these elfish creatures were summoned in front of the court of magic to receive their judgment for the treason they had committed. No magical creature was to ever show itself to humans - that's how it has been since ancient times.
Little is known about the story behind the legend. The fairies, supposedly, formed some kind of bonds with the humans and made them aware of their magical knowledge. But they were only a chosen few and it is unclear how exactly that happened.
The scripture tells us, however, that when the fairies were questioned, as to why they helped the humans, they answered without doubt and regret. "We were the hidden muses, all in one. We found that we felt compassion and strange warm-hearted obsession with the humans; and we grew fond of them. Every now and then a stray individual, like a lone wolf, would grow tired of his own life and surroundings; he would seek something more, something beyond his perception and view. They were full of life, these mortals, yet they drifted from their own ways. They seemed so lonely each time we saw their eyes! They glowed, yet had a dim veil in front of them. They were different, so we only gave them hope..."
Their punishment was ostracism and alienation.
From there on, they would be forever known as those colorful, frail-winged, small creatures that, to most, resembled delicate butterflies. From there on, they would never be themselves again: neither in form, neither in spirit.
...A punishment in the form of perpetuation...
As the scripture was presented into my hands, I felt the need to unfold the truth and give light to the matter; to follow the legend's course throughout history as it swayed between the different paths of fate.
I imagine how a grumpy old wizened goblin made his accusations and passed judgment. Because, without doubt, he had the straightest magical appearance and would fit the role perfectly - to be the one to deal with other's lives and still keep a creepy smug smile on his face. And so he has done with a shrug of his shoulders and without a pinch of whiff to his not-so-often-troubled conscience.
Neither of the other magical creatures stood beside the fairies. They simply didn't want to be grotesquefied like them. The unicorn, with its magnificent horn, was scared to even think about the mockery that could befall his beautiful attribute, definitely resembling something straight and hard like stone that was his power. The dragon, whose manliness and bravery could not be compared to anything in the world (he often thought of antonyms which would contrast greatly and efficiently boost his self-esteem) wouldn't deem to see his scales glitter and sparkle like fireflies or become soft and smooth like skin. The dwarf instantly objected to the thought in his mind; he would never swallow his pride. But that was the opinion of the male specie (dwarf). His better half would definitely want some feminine characteristics, since she looked exactly like him in physical appearance (she was not present for a reason). Mermaids, giants, werewolves, trolls, gnomes, and all others were out of the question. Not to mention that empathy was an unknown soul substance to half of them.
The fairies were alone...
They were forever to be regarded as... queer.
Despite that, they still continued to help and teach humans; little did they know that their intervention played an important part in the world's history. They seemed to always appear whenever strong feelings would emerge somewhere, responding to that call, to the undying flame of dreams!
The start of the fairy artists had been set.
My eyes set upon our one-sided human history. Who were those chosen few?
I followed the traces and put pieces from here and there together...
It is an unrealized fact to many that our civilization in all of its aspects lays solely onto the shoulders of a handful of individuals. Some were not understood in their time, so they often withdrew from normal life. Others were driven by strong ambitions and feelings and tried to break the rigorous chains and confines. A change was always brought to the world by those who walked off the beaten track. They questioned the world; they learned about themselves; they brought the change which was needed. They were artists!
Like the fairies, however, those humans, who came in contact and were inspired by them, were also a target of their own kind...
The statue is magnificent; it stands tall and strong; a symbol of inexpressible beauty. It was spread throughout the then known world. Such work of art is made to be remembered and worshipped; but it also implies that something has happened, something beyond the reach of power of humans and fairies. What is the story behind it?
Among the first individuals on whom the fairies set sight was one of the five [1]. They responded to his strong feelings for another human. The man who brought great change to the world and was loved by his people experienced the blessing of the banished magical creatures.
He and his beloved became part of the Fairy Love [2].
However the need to manifest his beloved's soul and beauty into art soon gripped the man. The only thing that could separate them, like a curse, happened...
He lost what was most precious to him...
The Fairy Love was known long before that period. It was a way of connecting the souls and lives of two loved ones; a sign of the highest possible feelings that can be expressed from the heart of two humans. It is a link, forming one spirit with an unshakable willpower to live not for one's self, but for another.
The fairies continued to search and inspire other people. Their traces can be seen throughout history in the works of different artist: bards, poets, writers, musicians, singers, painters, craftsmen, sculptors, actors...
Needless to say, many were chased and convicted; many were victims of shallow-minded politics. The hate for the fairies had been transferred to the mortals. People were scared of the fairy artists, because on their own they could force a change in the world. That didn't suite some and since the majority of people didn't understand them, it was decided the obvious...
Shunned... it had become the love that dare not speak its name [3]...
It is said that the Castle of Fairies [4] was built as an asylum for those who sought a safe place to be themselves. It was built by another fairy artist, Unser Kini [5], who was held captive more by the fantasy world, filled with wonders and magic, than by the real one. Having a strong romanticism appearance, the castle stands on top of a rugged hill, becoming one with the picturesque landscape, like it has been there since ancient times. Behind the stone walls the flow of time and the cycle of history are forgotten. There only exists peace and tranquility for the troubled.
Like all things, regardless of the horrible deeds done, despite the hate that couldn't be extinguished, no matter the judgment and accusations, the world, little by little, began to accept those artists and became accustomed to them. But it wasn't until the Fairy Revolution [6] that a change really took place. It was a manifestation of the ideas of all of the great and colorific fairy artists in all time: The Eros Thinker [7], The Marble Poet [8], The Dandy Writer [9] and many more!
It was then that they tried a last attempt to capture the current generation of fairy artists... let's just say that it became clear that Dr. F.'s [10] statement was unmistakably true: "There is little fairiness in all of us."
They now had the freedom to shine...
Nowadays there are fairy artist everywhere. Without the need to hide like before, they are a huge part of today's world. They could be your closest friend, or your neighbor. They could be your dog or cat!
People are on the watch-out for the ones who would again make a change, but the few are now a legion, people who carry the will of the fairies!
Jace, you don't have to drive me home. I could have taken the bus," Merry said.
"But I want to. There's no problem with that." I was trying to concentrate on the road and not get distracted gorgeous boy sitting next to me. "That essay was awesome! How did you come up with it?"
"You really think so? Thanks, Jace!" He got excited again just from that little comment, showing his bright smile. He really was adorable. "Hehe, I don't know. The idea just appeared in my head the other day and I used my imagination to bring it to life. You don't think it's strange, do you?" He looked at me with his blue eyes.
"What, strange, hell no! I'm just surprised you know so much." I was really tired. I don't know if he even heard me. It felt like I only said it to myself and not out loud. My eyes were closing, I tried to resist but the black moments couldn't stop.
"Jace, hey, Jace, you are barely awake." I could feel Merry's hand on my shoulder. I had physical contact with the blond angel, but I didn't feel it as such. My brain didn't register it.
"Ah, sorry, it's all because I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so tired, I'm afraid I'll fall asleep." Merry looked at me in concern. "Merry, could you, like, talk to me till I get you home." I wanted to hear his voice. I knew it would keep me awake long enough.
"Sure, but, Jace, how will you drive to your home. I can't let you alone like this."
Hehe, I felt something warm inside... He was worried about me. Merry...
"Don't worry, I'll manage somehow." I tried to convince him.
I was already at the street where his house was. As I stopped in front of it, I didn't have the slightest idea in all my dreams (of Merry) what would come next. If I knew then that I would leave the car, I would have ran away, more of fear and doubt.
"I'll tell you what, why don't you come inside, have a little rest and then you can go home."
I didn't expect to get such direct invitation. I thought he didn't really say it. Must have been my mind playing tricks, using my sleepy state and wishful thinking to punish me and send me back to reality. But he repeated it again. He really wanted me to follow him, to come into his home! He was just worried...
My mind struggled to find if there was a background meaning to this, but it was too tiring. I could have considered things better, like what might happen, what it would seem like, what might I do (a fool of myself, even if asleep). But I knew that Merry wouldn't let me drive alone.
"Okay, but only for a while, till I'm feeling better." I gave up trying to find excuses in my mind.
"Come on!" He was beaming.
I so wish this wasn't some kind of evil, luring trap or, perhaps, unknowingly Merry was making it such for me. I was really scared that I would give myself away and ruin our friendship. And at the same time, in my half-asleep state, I started to take notice of how the things between us were. "He adores you," Hayden had said. I'm playing with the heart of a thirteen year old boy. At the same time, my heart was playing a song, despite my efforts to forget about those feelings.
"So, this is where I live," he said as he opened the door and lead me into his home. "I could give you a tour, but you look so tired that I will spare you that now. You can lie on the couch in the living room."
Umm... the couch, yeah... I wasn't expecting his bed, right?
"Merry, I feel kind of awkward about this. What if your parents come home and they find me sleeping in your house."
"I think, they will say `Well done, Marian, you finally found yourself a boyfriend. Did you do something dirty, while we were away?' or something like that. You know how parents are, so I can't really say for sure." He giggled.
My jaw dropped, hearing him say that. What kind of situation was this anyway?
"Hehe, Jace, you look like you've seen a ghost. I'm just kidding. If you are wondering, my parents know I'm gay. But don't worry, I'll wake you up, before they're here, if you fall asleep." He assured me.
I was now at the verge of collapsing and shutting down completely. Merry guided me to the living room, just like the sweet-loving host he was.
"Here. Lie down and don't worry about anything." Jeez! I was having a boy take care of me! That sounded strange in my mind, but I didn't mean it in the way you would think first. "I'm going upstairs to take a shower and then I'll come do my homework downstairs. If you need anything, feel just like home, okay?"
"Hehe, Merry, I feel strange... and very sleepy, too. Thanks." He smiled and headed upstairs.
I first sat on the couch, feeling slightly embarrassed, feeling slightly uncomfortable. But after a while of trying to fight it, I laid alongside it. It had the same smell as him, that sweet, teenage scent. My eyes closed. The so awaited sleep would soon take me away.
I haven't thought until now of Merry in any sexual way. It had never occurred to me. But the thought that he had been sitting on this very place, which held the feelings of coziness and warmth, enchanted by his scent, made me feel a little excited. The word shower strangely echoed in my mind. Images of him stripping down and removing his clothes, getting ready to step under the hot water... naked, all of those flashed through my head and gave flame to my imagination. But it wasn't so rich in detail. All of those were just ideas and words. I concentrated on the stripping part, wondering what he really looked like under those clothes. I was curious, unknowing. I doubted he could have the same body as all other boys. He must be magnificent, it must be magic. Strangely, my imagination couldn't portray him naked. I tried, I really tried and he always ended without a sock or, in the best case, without his shirt on. It was like my mind didn't give me access to create those images, even if in my head only.
I drifted asleep wondering what he would look like without the last piece of clothing on him...
He was the cause that I didn't have enough sleep last night and now he was fixing it, unknowingly or with intention.
...DREAMS AND DREAMS AND DREAMS...
...Feathers from the one with the golden aureole...
...I don't want to see you get hurt...
...We're friends. Cool!...
...Two blue stars, illuminating everything in their path...
...you can call me Merry...
...A humble kiss from an angel...
...I can't let you alone like this...
...in the land of fairies...
...DREAMS AND DREAMS AND DREAMS...
When I woke up, I wondered for a second where I was. I could still feel the couch under me, but I couldn't see anything. The room was dark, too dark for it to be a day. Merry didn't wake me at all! I quickly got up, but because of the darkness I couldn't see where I was going. Just then I realized that the house was all quiet, except for the slight sound of music, coming from somewhere within. I followed it in the darkness, while trying not to break everything in my path. Arghh... Why didn't he wake me up? What would I tell his parent now? I'll be all embarrassed, nervous and blushing from head to toe. The sound led me to a door, which was half opened. The light from the other room was in touch with the darkness of this. I peeked through the crack and saw... Merry!
Without making noise, I opened the door and leaned on the door frame. The music that I heard was from a piano. His blond hair wasn't tied and was touching his shoulders. It slightly swayed as his delicate frame moved to the sound with ease and harmony. My eyes traced his fingers as they played the instrument. It was a soothing and whispering sound that was truly beautiful!
"That was beautiful!" I said as he finished the song. I must have scared him because he quickly turned and stood up.
"Jace! Did I wake you up? I'm sorry!" He was so cute when worrying about others!
"No, you didn't, but you could have a little earlier. Aren't your parents home?"
"They called that they would be at some dinner party. I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful in your sleep, so I left you like that." So, he was watching me while I was sleeping. "There's no problem, right?"
"Oh, no... it's just... I feel strange..." I said as I got close to the piano. "So, you play the piano. You continue to surprise me, Merry!" Hehe, it was my turn to make him blush. He was trying to hide it, but it showed on his face.
"Hey, are you hungry? Let's go to the kitchen. This way!" He was quick to leave the room, leaving me there laughing at the effect of my praise.
It's strange, but the atmosphere felt different between us. It wasn't like in school; it wasn't like in the car. We were alone, by ourselves, no curious and annoying eyes to peek and make us keep down our voices to little whispers. The night outside was adding to the feeling. We have been in the same house after the setting of the sun. It's like some ritual...
All masks were put aside. The persons who we were at school weren't the same as here. We didn't need to be official or anything like that, just act like ourselves.
I couldn't explain it, but it really was a strange feeling.
When I made my way to the kitchen I was again surprised.
"Merry, what's all this?"
He had put plates, and forks, and knives, and glasses, and all that on the table. This was, by someone's scheme, becoming a... date...
"What does it look like? Sit down." I think he was trying really hard to, I don't know, impress me? If I didn't sit down, I would later regret it. If I sat, I would probably be nervous, being around him. But I didn't want to hurt his feelings or turn down his efforts to impress me. I mean, it was cute in a way.
We ate and talked. It was some kind of chicken meal. It was a so-laid-back situation that I didn't want it to end. But I knew better than that, I had to concentrate on the present, to what is happening now, not somewhere else. Merry was in front of me! We were eating together! He wasn't like other teenagers his age He was way beyond their understandings. We laughed and talked as the night was coming closer and closer to midnight. We found a lot other things in common, besides writing! We didn't even talk about that.
"Jace, if you want, I think my father has a few beers in the fridge," at one time he said.
"Hehe, did you forget? I'm with the car."
"You can sleep here. It's not a problem." He said quickly. I felt a slight flutter of emotion that made me ask myself "Where I am? What am I doing?"
"No, Merry, we have school tomorrow. I can't."
It was becoming clearer now. The night with all our magnificent adventures was coming to an end. Merry was trying to keep me here and I was between the two choices. Should I leave before things get more complicated?
"Okay, Jace, I understand," he said with a huff.
"Hey, look at me," I said looking into his blue eyes across the table. "I had a great time with you. I want you to know that!"
"Really?"
"Yes!"
His smile again came back. Hehe, it was charming!
The room was suddenly quiet. Some kind of awkwardness was floating in the room. We were both looking at each other without saying anything.
"J-Jace... can I... ask you something?" His voice was trembling a little.
"Of course! Why are you nervous? You can tell me everything." I tried to calm him and calm myself for what was coming.
"Jace, are you... gay?" The words left his mouth, but it took some time for me to realize what he really said. It's strange how I had the same question twice today from the opposite kinds of people! It was not the label word that was so shocking, but rather the fact that I knew this moment would come. How would I explain it to him?
"Hehe, you're a little straight forward. Where did that come from?" I tried to laugh it off.
"And you are a senior big boy who is afraid to make a move." He chuckled. It worked! The nervous feeling left the room. We could talk a little care-free about this thing. "I've seen you watching me for some time and also the look in your eyes, hehe. My gaydar told me so."
"You have a gaydar, huh? You're like thirteen!" I laughed with him.
"Fourteen actually, mind you. So what is your answer? I've caught you, so you can't deny it!" He persisted.
"Look, Merry, I don't believe in gays."
His eyes widened.
"You don't think gays exist? Then what am I?" He giggled and a grin appeared on his face.
"No, I mean... that's not it. I don't see a point in putting a label to name the thing."
There, it was easier to explain than I thought.
"So, you deny it to yourself? I thought you kept an open mind, Jace? That's called being in the closet. I've been there and it isn't a nice place." ...Or not so simple for him to understand... "So, if you are not gay, why did you follow me inside? I was really worried about you, but you could have refused."
I don't know why but the whole thing angered me. I knew he wouldn't understand. This was all stupid, to think that something could happen or to think that I could just be friends with him.
"Merry, I think I will go now," I said and I got up.
I headed for the door.
"Hey, Jace, wait! I'm sorry." He grabbed my wrist. "I just don't understand why you are here with me right now. When you said you didn't have a problem with me being gay, I thought that was some kind of sign, and all of our passes in school and the looks. What does it mean?"
I felt awful now. I was playing with the feelings of this boy. I had confused him with my idealistic thoughts. But wasn't the confused one really me?
"I'm sorry, Merry." It was the only thing I could say.
I was trying to get out of the house and he was following me. I finally found the door.
"Look, Merry, I'm just attracted to you, I mean, I don't know... it's strange to say it..." I was standing at the doorway. His eyes were down to the floor. "We'll see each other tomorrow..."
As I drove away from his house in the night, he was still standing at the door, looking after the car...
INFO:
[1] One of the five - It's the roman emperor Hadrian. You should definitely read about the story behind this. He had a close relationship with a Greek boy, Antinous. During a journey on the Nile Antinous drowned. Hadrian was crushed by his death and ordered in all of Rome statues to be placed and a lot more.
[2] Fairy Love - You can view it as Greek Love. But more appropriately it should be considered more as Platonic, due to emphasize not only on the pleasurable part.
[3] The love that dare not speak its name - Those who are familiar with Oscar Wilde's life should know this. It's a phrase from the poem "Two Loves" by Alfred Douglas. A touching poem.
[4] Castle of Fairies - Although in reality it isn't true, I have written it with the idea that it is the castle Schloss Neuschwanstein, build by Ludwig II. One amazing place it is.
[5] Unser Kini - It is Ludwig II. It means "our beloved king". To understand why I have included him, you should read about the relationship between him and Prince Paul of Thurn and Taxis (especially the Prince's last letters to Ludwig).
[6] Fairy Revolution - Umm, it came unexpected... Sexual Revolution...
[7] The Eros Thinker - Plato, of course (The Symposium).
[8] The Marble Poet -- Michelangelo.
[9] The Dandy Writer - Oscar Wilde.
[10] Dr. F. - Sigmund Freud.
My first idea for this was for it to be serious. But considering the immense web of knowledge that each fact and piece in history tells about such a story, also the nature of the idea, I decided not to approach it directly. I then thought for it to be placed within a funny style. But then would it have been enough to inspire thought? So a fusion of the two was what it became. Maybe not the best and not the funniest, it leaps through centuries, leaving big gaps between, but that was the only way I could express it in words. Lastly, it may seem that I have been carried away with my own thoughts and not Merry's. This is, after all, his essay and I have written it with the thought in mind that those are the words of a 14 year old boy.
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CONTACT: You can contact me at yoxone@ymail.com