Breaking Ethan 13 : No place like home by Bus Pender
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This is a work of gay fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely unintentional. This text deals with sexual relations between two men. If you find this offensive, if you are underage or if possession of this text is illegal in your area, please leave now. This story is not intended to promote any action on the part of the reader. It is merely a fantasy and I hope you appreciate it as such.
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I flicked on the light. Zach dumped his bag in the entranceway, stepped out of his sneakers and padded down the hall in his socks, taking in my abode. I have a lot of homoerotic art on the walls and Zach followed the path of paintings, drawing and prints, like Hansel being led by a trail of crumbs. He seemed transfixed by what he saw. He stopped to look at a print of Tuke's `The Bathers'.
"I like this one," he mused. "Boyhood, innocence, having fun together. But there's something else too .."
He moved on and paused in front of a print of `Le Phallus phénoménal'. He regarded it with a look of quizzical concentration before continuing down the hall to take in the other pieces. A series of black and white prints of young Muay Thai boxers in and out of the ring. A bondage scene of a guy being forced into submission. Some original paintings and drawings by local artists and friends, mostly male nudes, lovers.
Zach stopped at the end of the hall where I keep an enormous rose quartz phallus standing upright on a console table. The statue stands about two feet tall. It has smooth, rounded edges, and slopes determinedly skyward, drawing the visitor towards it like a lodestone. The rose quartz gleams dully and appears somewhat flesh-coloured in the low light of the hall. Zach stood before it for several moments. The tip of the phallus was about at eye level with him. Seemingly without realizing what he was doing, he brought his hand up to the top of the bulbous dickhead and laid his palm flat against it, slowly slid his hand down the underside of the shaft, landing upon a swollen testicle, which fit nicely in his cupped hand like a grapefruit. He glanced quickly at me as he pulled his hand away and continued on into the living room.
"Trust me, Zach, you're not the first person to touch my big dick like that," I grinned.
Zach cleared his throat.
"Nice place you got here," he said matter-of-factly. He was blushing.
"Thanks, you hungry?," I asked.
"Yeah, actually, I am, I forgot to eat."
I went into the kitchen, grabbed some leftover pizza from the fridge, popped it into the microwave and pressed a few buttons. The microwave came to life. I grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to Zach.
"I won't say `no' to that," he said. He pulled the tab and motioned the can towards me. "Cheers."
"Cin cin," I said, knocking my can against his.
The microwave dinged and I retrieved the pizza, slapped it onto two plates. We ate on the couch.
"This is your bed, by the way," I said.
"This is luxurious, I'm used to Ethan's little sofa," he exclaimed.
We ate in silence. When we'd finished, I put our plates in the sink and grabbed us a couple more beers, sat back down on the couch. I kicked off my shoes and folded my legs up in front of me so I was sitting cross-legged facing Zach. We drank our beers in silence for a few moments.
"So what's your story, Zach, how'd you get here?, I asked.
"My story .. do I even have a story?"
"Everyone's got a story, what's yours?"
"There's not much to tell. I had a normal childhood, family life, the youngest of two kids, a sister ahead of me. I was always really curious but never a great student .. in high school I found that I was good at trades, studied to be a mechanic and became one. I really liked working with my hands, still do. Feels like I have power over whatever I'm working on, like I'm controlling this whole assembly of parts to make them work together .. well .. seamlessly. I love it."
He had a look of joy on his face when he talked about it. He paused, the look of joy faded.
"Started dating Linda in my early 20s. She got pregnant pretty quick, we got married, Ethan was born soon after. Linda and I weren't really suited to each other. I'm kind of slow and easy-going, she was a control freak. She seemed to find fault with everything I did, nothing I did was ever good enough. So our marriage wasn't that happy. Ethan was the joy of my life."
"Linda didn't like being married to a mechanic. She convinced me to apply for a management job at a local factory. I got it, didn't like it but continued on for the sake of the marriage. And to support the family. I guess I took one for the team."
He sighed.
"About five years ago, I came home from work early. I wasn't feeling well, booked off and headed home. Linda was there. So was my best friend. They weren't having a friendly game of canasta," he said sarcastically. His voice was cracking, he wiped a tear from the side of his eye.
"What she was doing to Stan, she'd never do for me. I didn't say anything. I just stood there, not believing what I was seeing. Linda screamed at me to get out. I snapped out of it and left. Went driving for a few hours. Came back home, she was gone. No note, nothing. Not even a `goodbye' to Ethan."
"So I lost my wife and my best friend in one split second. Ethan stayed with me, he'd always been closer to me anyway. Linda never seemed to have time for him, treated him like he was a bother, she didn't have strong maternal instincts."
"So for the last five years I've continued to work at the plant, rose to middle-management, still hated it but I was a single parent of a teenage boy who was obviously smart and had ambitions for university. So I've been working hard to earn the money to put him through. And look where it's gotten me, Mark. Unemployed. Distanced from the most important person in my life. Sleeping on the couch of someone I met a few hours ago. And confused as hell. Kind of comical, isn't it," he chuckled wryly.
Zach brought his feet up on the couch, got comfortable.
"Wow Zach, that's the shits. For what it's worth, I think Linda sounds like a dumb fuck. You're a gem, and she obviously didn't appreciate what she had. I don't know her but I can't stand her already, you're way better off without a cunt like that," I said.
Zach sighed.
"You know, I think if I'd had more backbone, stood up for I wanted, things probably would have ended a lot sooner. I don't know why staying married to her was so important to me. I think I had this idea of a perfect family and I wanted us to be that. I think I was the dumb fuck."
"How did Ethan react?," I asked.
"Ethan?, he took it all in stride. He's not one to show his emotions much, but I think it hit him hard. We've never talked much about it. I've tried, but he says it's okay, he's okay. For the first few years he'd get together with his mom from time to time, they'd go out to lunch, hang out for a couple of hours. When I'd ask him how it went, how she was, he'd just say fine' or okay', and then head to his room."
"A couple of years ago Linda moved to Australia, I think she met someone there. Ethan hasn't heard much from her since then. I'm not sure where exactly she is. A part of me doesn't really care."
We stayed silent for a few minutes. Absentmindedly I took Zach's left foot in my hand and placed in on my lap, began massaging. He didn't act like it was weird, didn't try to pull away. He seemed to settle into the soothing gesture I was offering. I allowed my hands to play slowly across his soft sole, squeezing gently and smoothing. He sighed.
"So Zach, what the fuck are you gonna do?," I said.
"I do not know. I feel like I'm at a crossroad. It seems like everything happened so fast. Until recently my life was normal. Steady job. Good relations with Ethan. Straight and celibate. Life was predictable. Now it's all, what was that phrase you used, "shot to shit?".
We shared a laugh.
"Maybe what's happening to you is a good thing, Zach," I said. "I mean, shit like this happens for a reason, it could be that you needed things to fall apart so you can make some important changes in your life. Maybe what's happening is a blessing, you just can't see it yet."
"You're right about that, I can't see it. All I see is that I've lost my job, I've screwed up my relationship with Ethan and I'm really confused about where I stand sexually," he said.
I began massaging his toes, one at a time. Pressing and pulling, squeezing, then moved down to the ball of his foot.
"Zach, I know it seems like everything's gone to shit, but it's important not to lose sight of the good things in your life. Remind yourself of the good stuff, the things you appreciate, it'll give you a different perspective. Sure, you're probably on thin ice with Ethan right now, but that'll blow over. Think of it this way .. regardless of what's happened, you have a beautiful son who loves you very much."
"Yeah, he IS beautiful. A beautiful boy. It's funny, when he was growing up, I thought he was too beautiful to be a boy. I was perplexed. You know I didn't know he was gay until you told me the two of you were an item. He never told me, never talked about that kind of stuff."
"Fuck me, I outed him. God I had no idea, you seemed to be really cool with it, I just assumed you knew, or at least suspected. Fuck I'm an asshole."
"Mark, don't worry, you didn't do it maliciously, it just kind of came out in the "shitstorm", he said.
I squeezed his entire foot, sliding my hand along the outside, then down to his heel, digging my fingers in good and deep.
"Ooooh, that feels good," he said.
He took a swig of beer.
"I feel like everything is out of control right now. I didn't plan for any of this, it just kind of happened. Dominoes. I have to trust that the gods know what they're doing and that I'll end up in a good place."
I listened, put his left foot aside and took hold of his right, continued the massage.
"You know, my birthday's next month, I'm gonna be 44. What a stupid age. Forty-four. Just sounds like a really `blah' number. Four-four. Same-same. Even-even. Nothing outstanding about it, nothing out of the ordinary. Not young, not old. Bland. I've heard the number four in Chinese is bad luck, apparently it sounds like the word for death or something? So I've got double bad luck? I'm not sure what else can go wrong at this point."
I continued to massage while taking in his troubled countenance. I didn't say a word. I just listened, grazing my palm up and down the soft fabric sole. In the dim light of the living room, I couldn't help but notice how much he and Ethan looked alike. I almost felt like it was Ethan I was with, massaging his feet.
"I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis, Mark. Is 44 too young to have one? Too old? I don't even know what a mid-life crisis is supposed to feel like. I mean, if you've never had one, how do you know that you're having one?"
"Well, you've already had sex with someone half your age, so you're off to a good start right there" I said, smirking at him. He smiled grimly back at me. I squeezed his toes, scrunching them together, then tugging gently. ( "And you've left your job, although it wasn't your decision," I added. I pinched and scratched deeply at the ball of his foot.
"Now, if you suddenly go out and trade in that shitbox you're driving for a late model muscle car. And take up skydiving. And drop a few grand for a nose job and chin augmentation, I'd say you might fit the bill."
"What's wrong with my nose and chin?," he quipped.
I smiled at him and applied pressure to the area under the ball of his foot. I pressed hard and he gasped.
"God you're good, where'd you learn this?," he asked.
"I've picked up a few things along the way."
"You know Mark, I wish I were more like you," he said.
"Really? You'd like to be a cold, manipulative, self-centred prick? Yeah, that's something to wish for."
"You know what I mean. You're really confident, self-assured. You know instinctively what you want and you have no problem going after it."
"That's not necessarily a good thing. You know, Zach, you don't know me very well. My moral compass is really fucked. I take advantage of people and situations all the time, with no sense of guilt or regret. Actually, that's not true, I often do have a change of heart AFTER the fact, but it doesn't stop me from continuing to fuck people over. Take Ethan, for example. I've done some things to him that I'm not proud of at all. And yet I persist. And I love the guy, but I just can't seem to help myself." A tear welled up at the corner of my eye, found a path down my cheek. I didn't wipe it away, I just let it slide slowly down.
"Like I said, I have a big problem with impulse control .. you found that out a few hours ago."
"No one's perfect, Mark, you just .. "
"No, Zach, you don't get it. With me, asserting control over others is part of the thrill, and it comes to me as naturally as breathing. There's an aspect of cruelty to it, also part of the thrill. I think it's a personality disorder, quite frankly. Kind of narcissistic borderline, maybe with a bit of sociopath thrown in for good measure. It's just a part of who I am. So don't say you wish you were like me. I really am a bit of a sick fuck."
Zach nodded, but I could tell he was having difficulty believing me. I decided to switch gears with the massage, took hold of his ankle and applied pressure on the outer edge of his foot, rubbing deeply.
"Ya know, you and Ethan are so different. How did the two of you meet, Mark?," he asked.
"First year, intro to physics. It was required for my degree, an elective for him. I walked into class just as it was starting. There were a good 50 students in the room but like radar, my attention homed in on this gorgeous, awkward teenager, sitting on his own at the end of the second row. He wasn't paying attention to anything around him, he was buried in a book, I'll never forget it, A History of Western Philosophy'." I thought what the fuck is this'? The seat beside him was empty, it looked like he was saving it for someone. I barged in beside him, began to sit down and asked him if that seat was free. He started to tell me that it wasn't, but I ignored what he was saying, talked over him and claimed it as my own. He didn't protest after that. I chatted him up, left with him after class. We became lab partners, then friends."
I sighed.
"My intention with him was not honourable. At all. Right from the get-go, I just wanted to get into his pants. That's ALL I wanted. It feels funny telling you this, Zach. He's your son, I'm sure you don't like hearing it. But you asked me, and it's the truth."
"But instead of a beeline for sex, I got to know him, got to like him .. a lot. I'd never felt that way about anyone before. I'm not one to become attached to people. I prey on guys, particularly "straight" guys, it's like a pastime for me. I target them, I work on them and I fuck `em. Then I move on, it's what I do. But Ethan was different. The more I got to know him, the more I was enchanted with him. And he seemed entirely oblivious to how I felt. He was just, well, Ethan."
I kept my gaze on Zach as we sat in silence for a moment.
I grinned. "Ethe and I were on the swim team together. He's not terribly powerful, but he's fast. I loved seeing him in his little speedo, his sleek torso, his tiny bulge .. ogling him in the dressing room, he was always so prim .. sorry Zach, too much detail."
"So we started getting together a few months ago. As I said, it's an unusual relationship. I got him drunk and kind of tricked him into being with me. I can't go into a lot of detail at this point. It's quite possible he'll never want to see me again anyway after what I did."
"After what WE did, Mark. I had a hand in it," Zach added.
"Why DID you let me seduce you, Zach? Why did you go along with it? You could have just told me to get the fuck out of the car and that would have been it. But you allowed it to happen, even though you put up a lot of resistance."
I began soothing the sole of his foot, pressing in on the arch and squeezing the heel with each pass. He sighed.
"No one had expressed an interest in having sex with me in years. And I'm not exaggerating, Mark. Having a young guy like you be so forthright in trying to get into my pants wasn't just exciting, it was validating. Someone thinks I'm handsome, someone thinks I'm sexy, wow'. And you know, Mark, you're very persuasive."
"I've been told," I said bluntly.
"And honestly, you got me so horned up, offering me something I'd wanted forever but never had. It was too much to pass up. So I let it happen. And even though it was wrong, and it was a betrayal of Ethan, I don't regret it. It happened, I enjoyed it. A lot. And honestly, I can't get it out of my mind, I'm so confused."
"It's okay to play for both teams, Zach," I said.
"You ever been with a woman, Mark?"
"Fuck no! Women do nothing for me. I've known from a VERY young age what I am, and I've been active since my early teens. I like guys, I like everything about them. And I've never had a problem getting as much sex as I want with them, it comes naturally to me. If a guy is ambivalent, resistant, I work on him. I'll take my time, break down his barriers, slowly, so that he's not even aware of what's going on. And then I strike. It's beautiful. He doesn't know what's hit him. After that, it's `ciao bello', on to the next victim, erm, I mean partner."
Zach paused for a moment and just looked at me, a bit bewildered.
"Mark, that sounds kind of, uhm, lonely. Don't you ever want to be with someone, you know, long term, live a life together?," he said.
I stared at him blankly, silent, blinking. Another tear at the corner of my eye, again sliding down the side of my cheek.
"I thought I might have had that with Ethan. But it seems that's not possible now, I really fucked up good," I said.
"Mark, I don't get you. You talk about how much of a predator you are, and I've obviously experienced you in action, but there's another side to you. You're sensitive and introspective, you're a really sweet guy, and you're evidently looking for the same thing we all are. What gives?"
I pulled myself together, donned the mask again and gave him a smirk.
"I guess I'm a walking paradox, Zach, and you happen to have caught me at my game," I said coolly.
We sat in silence for a bit. Zach seemed uncomfortable, wanting to find something to say, fill the silence.
"You know, Mark, I find you really easy to talk to, that doesn't happen with me that often. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it. Thanks for everything actually," he said.
"Oh fuck, now you're going to get all sentimental on me. That's my cue for going to bed," I said. I gave both his feet a last rub and moved them to the side as I got up and headed for the bedroom. I came back a minute later with his bedding, dumped it on the couch and kissed him on the side of his mouth. He looked startled but pleased, tried to make it seem like he was more comfortable with the gesture than he really was.
"Sleep well," I said and went to the washroom. I took a piss, brushed my teeth and headed back to my bedroom. I glanced over as I walked by the living room. Zach was down to boxers and socks, and he'd replaced his button-down with a white tank top that hugged his torso. He looked scrumptious and I did my best to blot out the vision as I returned to my room.
I stripped off my t-shirt, pants, boxers and socks, and slid naked into bed. Talking with Zach had stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings, mostly about Ethan. Our conversation had reminded me of what I loved so much about him, what I'd lost. I kept revisiting the episode in Zach's car and kicking myself internally for being such a sleaze. I tried to let go of the thoughts, but instead they became more obsessive. Ethan. What was he doing right now? What was he wearing? Was he still pissed at me? Did he have any feeling left for me at all? Would he ever want to see me again? Ethe. What I wouldn't do for a second chance with him. It was with these thoughts that I finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
I tend to be a light sleeper. Under normal circumstances, I fall asleep easily, but any noise or disturbance and I'm awake immediately. I can typically fall back asleep quite readily, but my mind and body seem to have a sensitive alert system for which I'm thankful.
Around 3 in the morning, I heard Zach get up to go to the can. I know that's common with old people, they need to get up and piss at least once in the night. I heard the hard jet of his stream plop boldly at the water in the bowl, heard it taper off down to the last few shaken drops. Heard the flush of the toilet, the rush of water from the tap and the silence that followed as he was likely drying his hands. Heard the door open, saw the reflection of light for an instant before it vanished, also in an instant, and heard him shuffle back to the couch.
For the next five minutes I was aware of his tossing and turning. He'd make a big commotion of shifting positions, maybe turning his pillow, and then silence, only to have the pattern repeat after a couple of minutes. As if I didn't have enough problems to worry about, I didn't need to add his restlessness to the mix. I rolled my eyes, turned away from the door and settled in, preparing myself for more sleep.
What I didn't hear was Zach coming into my room. I must have fallen asleep again because all I remember was the feel of the comforter lifting and the weight of his body as he climbed onto the mattress. My eyes opened wide as I stared at the darkness in front of me in disbelief. He was evidently still wearing the boxers, socks and tank as he scooched in and melted into a spoon with me. He draped his left arm over my shoulder as he snuggled in close. His stubbled cheek was resting gently against my ear, my jawline. His face seemed damp, like he'd been crying. I reached up and took his left hand in my right, held it gently. We fell asleep like that.