This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two or more males. If this offends you, why are you here? If you are under the legal age to read sexually explicit material then do not read any further. This story in no way represents any person living or dead. Any resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental.

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A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.

Thomas Paine

Brent's Struggle Chapter 32

Brent felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it from his pocket and looked at the screen. It was a text from Alex. "Looking forward to tomorrow." Brent was sort of looking forward to the next day as well. He could not believe that Alex wanted to see him again after how the first meeting had gone. The second one might have gone a little better but not a whole lot. Brent had panicked when Alex wanted to hug him.

Alex had stepped closer and started to put his arms around Brent. Brent had pushed him hard. "Sorry, I'm, um, not ready for that." Both Matt and Bryan had hugged Brent, but that had been different. Brent trusted them and even with that trust, Brent had to fight down the panic. It had been a little easier to control the panic when Brent had initiated the hug. With Alex, it was different. Alex was someone Brent had been sexual with. At least Brent believed they had been sexually active. He did not have a memory of it but it made sense. Brent knew he was going to have to ask Alex to find out how far they had gone. He needed to know just how deep their relationship had been.

Brent texted Alex back and put his phone back into his pocket. He looked up when the door opened. Dr. Drake was standing there. "Sorry to keep you waiting Brent."

"No problem."

Dr. Drake closed the door and took the seat across from Brent. "Do you need a drink or anything?"

"I'm good." Brent held up the plastic water bottle he had received from the receptionist.

"How have you been this week?" Dr. Drake glanced down at his notes but with this young man he did not really need the refresher. "Your visit with Alex went fine?"

"I guess." Brent shrugged his shoulders. "He, um, is nice."

"Did you remember him at all?"

"No. He felt, um, a little familiar but I didn't remember him. He told me a bit about us, um, dating and stuff but I still didn't remember. I, um, got a little upset about it."

"I am sure not remembering people and events has to be frustrating."

Brent looked down at the floor. "I kind of snapped at him a few times."

"That is understandable. Was he hurt?"

Brent looked up into the doctor's kind eyes. "He was understanding. He was fucking understanding. I'm fucked up and he just kept being nice and understanding." Brent got up and began to pace. He could not sit still any longer. He had to move or he was going to explode. "He even wanted to see me again. Our second meeting was just as tense for me. Alex, well Alex is nice and just kept being nice. No matter how fucked up I am he trys to be nice."

Dr. Drake sat watching Brent and listened to the teenager vent his frustrations. He believed that Brent was making small steps to recovering the emotional stability that had been taken from him. This might just be one of those steps.

Brent paused, realizing he was smashing the water bottle and how loud his voice was. He turned back to dr. Drake. "I am sorry."

"Brent, you have nothing to apologize for in this room. Yell, shout, hell I will even get a punching bag in here if you need it. We can even put Wilson's face on it."

Brent's lips twitched at the words. "Um, thanks. Everyone in the building is going to think I'm crazy yelling in here."

"This room is safe, Brent. I have a white noise machine running in here and in the waiting room for a reason. No one will hear."

Brent moved back to his chair. He sat back down and talked more about Alex. "I, um, got the impression from that we, um, might have, um..." Brent could feel his face turning pink.

"You think you two had sex. Do not be embarrassed by talking about sex with me." Dr. Drake was glad Brent was finally moving into the area that Dr. Drake believed he needed to talk about.

"I just don't remember it. We might have only, um, masturbated each other. That is what Devyn and I started out doing."

"You and Devyn masturbated together?"

"Um, yes and each other. I, um... haven't since I, um... got out."

"You haven't masturbated since being rescued from the clinic?"

"No, I, um..." Brent looked down at the floor again. "I tried but couldn't." Brent could feel the heat on his face. He knew he had to be a bright pink. He could not believe he was talking to the doctor about masturbating. It was the thing Wilson had always pushed them to talk about in their group sessions. In the private sessions she went far beyond just talking about masturbation.

"Do you want to tell me more Brent?" Dr. Drake could see the boy was struggling. "Masturbation is normal. Please do not feel embarrassed about it. I'll tell you a secret. I've done it too."

Brent looked up at the doctor. He could see a bit of a humorous glint in the man's eyes. It made Brent feel a little more comfortable. "Masturbation was an important thing for her." Brent could not bring himself to say her name. "I think she, um, liked hearing about us masturbating."

Dr. Drake could see something in Brent's eyes. He thought perhaps Wilson's interest went beyond just hearing about masturbation."

Brent proceeded to tell Dr. Drake about the group sessions and how Wilson encouraged them to talk about their fantasies and what they would think about while masturbating.

"I haven't been able to get off since. Who's going to want a limp dick as a boyfriend." Brent felt the tears beginning to come. He tried fighting them back. He could not stop them. "Every time I try, I see her there. Every time. I can't get her out of my head. I can't get her cold blue eyes out of my head. I can't get the memory of how it felt to have her hands on me. I can't. I can't. I can't."

Brent broke down into sobs. He tried to stop them. He hated to be like this. He hated admitting how fucked up he was.

"It's alright Brent. Let it out." Dr. Drake moved and placed a box of tissue next to Brent. He was tempted to hug the boy but he knew how physical contact stressed Brent. He did not want to do anything to stop Brent from letting out these pent-up emotions. "Do you want me to get Bryan?"

Brent shook his head no as he wiped at his eyes. Bryan was in the waiting room but Brent did not want the man to see him like this. "I'm sorry. I'll pull it together."

"You do not need to pull it together Brent. This is what you need. Talking about this is good for you. This is good. Letting this bottled-up emotion out is good."

"I'm so fucked up." Brent said and blew his nose.

"You are coping Brent. You are working through this..."

"I did something horrible," Brent broke in. "I am a pervert. My Dad is right."

"Brent," Dr. Drake said, "you are not a pervert for being gay."

Brent got up again. He took the wad of dirty tissue and deposited them in the trash bin. He moved around the room looking at the pictures on the wall and not at Dr. Drake.

"I am perverted. I fantasized about Bryan."

"Do you mean while you were masturbating?"

"I, um saw him, um, naked once by accident I, um, well, he's hot."

"He is an attractive man."

"I had been watching this series and the lead actor is, um, well really hot. The show is a bit erotic and um does not leave much to the imagination. I got, um, turned on. So, I, um, started, ah, jerking off."

"That is perfectly normal," Dr. Drake said, when Brent took a long pause.

"The thing is I once saw Bryan, ah, naked and, ah, that memory popped into my head." Brent could feel his face heating up again. He moved around the room not looking at Dr. Drake as he was speaking. "I replaced the actor from the show in my head with Bryan and started thinking about him as I, um, you know."

Brent could remember the fantasy very clearly. If things had been different, he could almost wish it had really happened.

"Bryan is an attractive man. I'm sure seeing him undressed was provocative."

"You don't think it's wrong that I was using Bryan like that?"

"No, were you able to climax?"

Brent felt his face burn again. "No, when I started, ah, feeling really good she popped into my head. I felt her there watching me. I could almost feel her cold hands on my skin. It made me feel dirty. I felt even dirtier for having been thinking about Bryan."

"I can see how having Wilson in your head would make you feel that way. It is clear she has insinuated herself into your sexual thought process."

"She's there every time. Every time I get hard, she shows up. If I try and cum her fucking face is there. I want her gone. I want her out of my head!" Brent's voice rose as he spoke. He was yelling the last sentence. "I'm sorry," he said more softly.

"Have you considered masturbating with someone?"

"No!" Brent had not considered that. He could not imagine being intimate with someone like that. "I can barely allow myself to be touched let alone let someone touch me there."

"Maybe work up to that. Just consider jerking off with a friend. Not touching each other but just doing it together."

Brent looked at the doctor. His eyes got a bit wide at the slang term for masturbating. "I, um, am not sure I could do that."

"Small steps Brent. Work your way up to it."

"The only person I think I could trust to do that with is Devyn."

"What about Alex?"

"I don't know him. He has all these feelings for me and it would mix it all up."

"Maybe you should let him make that decision."

#

Brent felt exhausted after the session with Dr. Drake. They had talked more with Brent telling the doctor a little about the first sessions with Wilson. He could not go past the way she had touched him or sat too close to him. He could not tell the doctor about what he had endured in the basement of her clinic.

"You alright?" Bryan asked. He was worried as Brent had been so quiet on the ride home.

"I'm just tired. It was, ah, a rough session."

"You know Brent, if you need to talk more about it, I am here for you." Bryan put his arm around Brent's shoulders and pulled the teen to his side.

Brent tensed up at Bryan's contact but he did not pull away. He was getting accustomed to both Bryan and Matt touching him. They were not holding back like they had been in the beginning. They were trying to help him get used to casual physical contact.

"Both Matt and I want you to come to us if you need to talk about your sessions or the time in the clinic. Your date to talk to the prosecuting attorney is coming up and we both want to be there to support you."

Brent was not sure how he was going to be able to talk to the attorney about what had happened in the clinic. He had not been able to tell anyone the details of what Wilson had done to him. When he and Steven talked, they never mentioned the details of what they had gone through. Brent could see concern and caring in Bryan's blue eyes. He knew the man was waiting for him to say something. Nervously Brent ran his tongue over his lips. "I just don't know how to talk about it. I... I do not like thinking about it and to talk about it I have to think about it. It makes it so much more..."

Bryan could hear the desperation in Brent's voice. He could see the boy biting his lower lip. He could also see the tears in Brent's blue eyes. Those eyes were so like his own. It was no wonder people often assumed they were father and son. "I know it is hard to talk about Brent." Bryan's voice was soft. "But not talking about it is not healthy. Sometimes despite the pain we must confront our demons. Matt taught me that."

Brent knew in some part of his mind Bryan was right. He needed to talk to someone. He needed to tell someone what had been done to him. His fear was it would change the way people thought of him. He had been through so much with Wilson. He had done so much that was perverted and sick.

Bryan turned and pulled Brent into a hug. "I can see you are struggling. Matt and I know this is hard. We do not want to force you to confront these demons but we think it would be better if you did now rather than when talking to the DA or in court."

Brent forced himself to relax in Bryan's embrace. It felt so good resting his head against that hard chest. He could feel the strength in Bryan's arms as the man hugged him tight. Brent could not stop himself from wondering why his dad could not be like this. Why couldn't his dad hold him like this?

"Maybe instead of confronting them all at once, you could just tell me one thing."

Brent wondered what thing he could tell Bryan. He could tell him how she would sit too close to him on the sofa in her office. How she would touch his back, his arm, his leg and caress his cheek. "She liked to touch me." Brent's voice was soft as he spoke into Bryan's chest. "It was simple enough at first. She would touch my hand or my back. Then she moved to my arm and knee. It... it made my skin crawl. I don't know why that was. I can remember other people touching me and it never made me feel like that. But there was something in her eyes or in her mouth that made me feel, feel like it was wrong somehow."

Bryan held Brent tight and lightly rubbed the teenagers back. He listened to Brent's soft voice and wanted so badly to take the boy's pain away.

"I don't know if she did that with all the guys or just me. Ned never said anything like that about her. For some reason she took a special interest in me and Steven. I don't know if it was how we looked or our defiant attitudes. Steven was fighting her every step of the way. He was standing up to her right from the beginning. I think he would have ended up in the basement hell even if I hadn't tried escaping."

Bryan wanted to ring that blonde bitches neck. He thought if he could get his hands on her at that moment, he could do it.

Brent could not stop his tears. They started flowing from his eyes and Bryan only held him tighter. He could feel the caring and concern as his tears slid down his cheeks and onto Bryan's shirt.

Minutes passed while Brent released a small part of his emotions. He waited for Bryan to pull away but the man continued to hold him. Brent wondered just how long Bryan would stand there holding him. Brent guessed it was going to be for as long as Brent needed. Brent sniffed and lifted his head from Bryan's chest. He slid his arms around Bryan and hugged the man. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, soldier. It's what I do."

"I'm sorry I'm so messed up."

"Brent," Bryan's voice was firm, "you are not messed up. Never apologize for being human. The only one that should be sorry is that bitch Wilson."

Brent could hear the barely contained fury in Bryan's voice when the man said Wilson's name.

"She was a sadistic bitch and she needs to be locked away for the remainder of her life."

"Do you think that will happen?" Brent looked up into Bryan's face. He could see the man's empathetic blue eyes looking into his eyes.

"With your and Steven's help, I am sure of it."

Brent loosened his hold on Bryan and felt Bryan relax a bit but the man still held him. Brent placed a hand on the wet spot-on Bryan's shirt. He could feel the heat of the man's body through the thin fabric. He could also feel Bryan's nipple under his palm. "I, um, am sorry for crying like that."

"STOP it, Brent." Bryan forced Brent to look up at him. "There is not one damn thing wrong with crying. I've done it. Matt does it. Everyone does it. I'd be more worried about you if you were not crying."

"Thanks." Brent slid his arms around Bryan again. He placed his head against that powerful chest. Brent felt Bryan's arms tighten again. The image of Bryan's naked body popped in Brent's head. He wondered what it would feel like to have his face pressed against Bryan's bare chest. Brent wondered how it would feel to have Bryan's bare skin under his hands.

Bryan bent down and kissed the top of Brent's blonde head. "How about we start dinner? Matt should be home soon."

"Um, sure." Brent released his hold on Bryan. He tried willing the semi-erect teenage bone to go down. his body had begun responding to the thoughts he had been having about Bryan's naked body. "I'll, um, just go wash up and be right back."

"Alright soldier."

#

"How far do you think we went?" Alex asked as he and Brent were walking back towards Matt and Bryan's. "I think it was several miles at least."

"It was definitely farther than the last time," Brent said. He and Alex had been talking and walking through the woods. Alex had done most of the talking. He had told Brent about classes, his roommate Pete and about his family. Brent still did not remember anything about Alex or Alex's family but Alex had told him he had met both of Alex's parents.

The cabin came into sight as they followed the curve of the path through the woods. Brent loved having these private trails to walk through. Some of them were nothing but animal tracks but some were a little better. Bryan had cleared some to make them easy to walk.

"I'm going to touch your arm," Alex said and reaching over he touched Brent's upper arm. "I've really enjoyed today."

"Me too." Brent was glad that Alex always gave him that little warning. It gave Brent time to not flinch. "I, um... want to ask you something."

"You can ask me anything." The two stopped there at the head of the trail.

"I, um, was wondering, um, when we were, um, dating." Brent was not sure how much his question might hurt Alex. He wished that he could just remember this guy.

"Go on Brent," Alex prompted when Brent had paused.

"What, um, how far did we go?"

"You mean sex?"

Brent could feel the heat in his face. He hoped Alex would just think it was the cold. "Yes. I'm sorry, but I, um, just don't remember. Sorry."

"It's alright. I understand."

"You aren't mad that I don't remember if we, um, had sex?"

Alex chuckled. "No, I'm not mad silly. I understand you lost part of your memory. I'll be more than happy to fill in as much as I can."

"So did we?"

"We fooled around some but we never really had sex. The opportunity never presented itself."

"So, we fooled around some. What do you mean?"

Alex told Brent about the time in the men's room at the theater. He thought that would be a better event to tell Brent about rather than the time they were interrupted at the Christmas party. That event was still painful for Alex.

"Oh, and there was this time in the dressing room at the mall." Alex related that experience to Brent. He was glad that Brent was wanting to know more about their dates and their relationship.

"You, um, like the possibility of getting caught, don't you?"

"I don't know about that. I know I just liked being with you. I'm going to touch your cheek." Alex moved his hand to Brent's cheek. His thumb lightly stroked across the smooth skin. He wanted so much to lean in and kiss Brent. "I'd like to kiss you right now."

Brent felt both excited and scared at the idea of being kissed. "I, um, don't think so."

"Then how about a hug?"

Brent forced down the panic and moved closer to Alex. He put his arms around the other boy. With their coats on it made it feel less intimate to Brent.

Alex closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Brent's arms around him. He held Brent tight. Part of him never wanted to let Brent go again.

Brent broke the contact and stepped back from Alex. "Thanks for, um, helping me fill in some of the blanks."

"Anytime." Alex was a little hurt that the hug had not lasted longer but he knew Brent was still struggling. "If you want to know anything else, just ask."

"I, um, do have one other thing."

"Sure, go ahead and ask."

"Did we, um, ever go to a beach?" Brent had been wondering for a while if the man he saw in his dreams was Alex. He could remember being on a beach with that person but not much more. He felt like the two had done more than just played in the water but his mind would never produce the memory clearly.

"Nope, we never really went anywhere together. The farthest we went was to that gay club where we danced. I did get you into trouble that night though."

"You did?"

"Yes, we lost track of the time. You got home really late. You were grounded for a long time. It made it hard for us to see each other. Your Dad was pretty upset."

"Did he know we were seeing each other?"

"No, he did not have a clue about me or that we were dating."

They started back towards the cabin. "You didn't mind that?"

"It only bothered me that we could not see each other as much as we wanted."

They walked up onto the back deck. They stepped into the warm cabin from the cold. There was a fire in the fireplace. Matt was sitting at the desk working on the computer and Bryan was in the kitchen. There was classical music coming from the speakers.

Brent could not believe how much more this place felt like home than where he had lived with his parents.

"We were wondering if we were going to have to go searching for you two." Matt turned from his computer. He thought both boys looked relaxed. It was good to see Brent enjoying himself. He knew that the next few weeks were going to be hard on the teenager.

"I made you each a cup of hot chocolate," Bryan said sitting two mugs on the island.

"Thanks," Alex said, moving to the island. "Did you put marshmallows in?"

"Of course," Bryan said, smiling at the young man.

Brent moved to the island and picked up his cup. He took a sip of the warm beverage. "Thanks Bryan."

It was relaxing sitting there with Alex, Matt and Bryan and talking. Brent wondered if this was what normal should be like. It had kind of been like this when he and Devyn were together. They had sat like this at both of their houses with their parents just talking. Of course, that was before they had been caught being intimate with each other.

Brent had asked Matt just the day before if he had been able to locate Devyn. So far Matt had not had any luck. It was as if the teenager had been scooped up by aliens. Matt had told Brent that Albert was looking into hiring an investigator to find him. Brent knew he was never going to stop looking for Devyn. He hoped Matt's investigator would be able to find Devyn. Brent hoped Devyn had found a safe place to live. He could be in Florida with his grandmother. Brent hoped that was where Devyn was. He wanted to see him again and to talk to him. He hoped Devyn did not hate him. He needed Devyn to understand and forgive him. Brent wondered if he and Devyn could renew their friendship. He wondered if they could become more than friends.

Brent looked up from his hot chocolate at Alex. What would that do to Alex? If he and Devyn were together again, then that would hurt Alex. Or would it? Maybe Alex would be better off without Brent. Maybe then he could find some other guy. Maybe his friend Pete. From what Alex had told Brent, Pete sounded like a fun and good friend. Maybe if Brent were out of the picture, Alex and Pete would become more than just friends. Brent could not stop himself from wondering if Alex would be better off without him. Maybe Matt and Bryan would as well. He caused all of them so much trouble. Maybe he should have just died in that accident. After what Wilson had done to him, he was probably better off dead.

"You alright?" Alex asked. He could see something playing across Brent's face.

"Um, yeah, just lost in my thoughts I guess." Brent tried to push the somber thoughts out of his head. It had been a good day. He had enjoyed himself with Alex. He could tell that Alex cared for him but Brent did not feel the same towards Alex. He liked him, but just as a friend. If he remembered, would he also remember those feelings? Would he have that attraction to Alex again? Would he love Alex? Brent did not know. He closed his eyes and tried to push the darkness back. He should just think about now. He should just enjoy the feelings from Alex, Matt, and Bryan. These men, for whatever reason, cared about him. Maybe all three of them loved him in some way.

"I'm going to touch you," Alex said, before reaching out and tenderly pushing a blonde lock of Brent's hair back behind his ear. Alex's thumb tenderly caressed Brent's smooth cheek. It was a little pink from having just come in from the cold. "I think you are getting lost in your thoughts again."

Brent had not flinched at Alex's contact. It almost felt good having Alex touch him. Then the sound of Wilson's voice was in his head and he felt the shiver up and down his spine.

"You cold?" Alex had felt Brent tremble. He wished it were in excitement at his touch but he knew it was not. He knew it was Brent's reaction at being touched. Alex had never been a violent person. But right now, he wanted to ring Wilson's neck for what she had done to Brent.

"No, just... um..."

Alex moved his hand to Brent's shoulder. "I understand. You don't have to explain...unless you want to. I'll listen. You know that, right?"

"I do," Brent said and looked down at his cup of hot chocolate. Alex deserved better than him. He needed to push the guy away so Alex could have a real relationship. Maybe with Pete or some other guy. "I think I'm just getting tired. I, um, haven't slept well. I've been stressed about, um, talking to the prosecutor."

"We will be there with you for that," Bryan said.

"I'll be there too, if you want me to be," Alex said.

"Thanks Alex. You don't need to do that."

"Are you sure?"

"It is going to be, um, hard enough talking about it. I think the fewer people, um, the better."

Matt had gotten up from the desk and walked over to the kitchen island. He placed his hand on Brent's back. "You have as much support as you need. You are not in this alone."

Brent's blue eyes shimmered with his emotions. "Thanks Matt." Even with Matt, Bryan and Alex sitting there Brent still felt like he was alone. No one could truly understand what he was feeling. He did not fully understand it himself.

#

Copyright 2022 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved. No copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture. Thomas Paine

Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine