This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two or more males. If this offends you, why are you here? If you are under the legal age to read sexually explicit material then do not read any further. This story in no way represents any person living or dead. Any resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental.

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Brent's Struggle Chapter 37

The room was dark when Brent woke up. He was disoriented for a moment. He was not sure where he was. He felt like he was sick. His nose was stuffy and his eyes felt gritty. Then the memory came back to him. He wished he could forget this one. Devyn was dead. How could he go on? He never got to explain. He never got to tell him that he was sorry. He never got to say, "I love you."

Brent started to move but felt someone in bed with him. He wasn't sure who it was. For one fleeting moment maybe, everything had been a dream. Maybe the last two years were just a nightmare. Maybe that was Devyn next to him. Maybe they were just waking up after their night of sex.

Brent turned towards the person. He moved closer and in the dark, he reached out. The body was larger than Devyn's. The chest was broader and definitely had more muscle.

"You awake?" Matt's voice was soft in the dark.

"Yes," Brent's voice was hoarse. He sounded more like a frog than his normal tone. "Matt, please tell me, please tell me it wasn't true."

"I'm afraid it is Brent. I'm so sorry you found out like this."

"You've known." It was not a question but more of a statement.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I just did not know how to break the news to you."

"You should have told me."

"I know. I wanted to. I started to, so many times. I just, I just wanted to know where he was and how he died before I told you."

"Do you?"

Matt shook his head in the dark. "Not yet but we will find out. I've got a P.I. on it. It will probably just take a few more days. One teenage run away is hard to find."

"He did not run away." Brent's voice was adamant. "His parents kicked him out. They kicked him to the curb."

"I know." Matt tenderly rubbed Brent's neck and back.

Brent moved into the man's embrace. He was emotionally exhausted and the physical contact was not having its usual effect on him. "Matt?"

"Yes, Brent?" Matt rubbed his strong hand up and down Brent's back.

"I don't want to go back to see them. I won't do it anymore."

"You don't have to," Matt said. "I already told them that. This was the last time you will be forced to see them."

"Thanks, Matt."

"Just know that anytime you want to visit them, you can. We will never stand in the way of that."

Brent rested his head on Matt's chest. "I have always known that." Brent was quiet for a while then he spoke again. "Um, Matt?"

"Yes, Brent?"

"Am, would you, I mean could you stay here with me for a while?"

"For as long as you need me." Matt felt a tear in the corner of his eye and then felt it travel down his cheek. His heart was aching for the teenager.

"Thanks, Matt." There was another long pause before Brent added. "Matt, I love you."

"I love you too Brent." Matt kissed the top of Brent's blonde head. "Try and get some more sleep. I think you need it."

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Yes. For as long as needed."

"Um, Matt, where's Bryan."

"I'm here too, soldier."

Brent felt the bed move and then felt Bryan next to him.

"We are both here and aren't going anywhere."

"I love you both."

"We know," Bryan said. "Now sleep."

#

He's just sitting out there again," Matt said. He was looking out the back window at Brent sitting on the deck. It had been a week since the information had been revealed to Brent regarding Devyn. Brent had not left the house. He had refused to go to school and rarely spoke. "I'm deeply concerned about him. He sees Dr. Drake tomorrow but I'm not sure he can help him."

"He does that a lot now," Bryan said. "I think we just need to find Devyn so he can have closure. Has the P.I. had any luck finding him?"

"No, it is like he was beamed up by the Enterprise."

"You're funny." Bryan's voice was laced with his sarcasm.

"I had a crazy thought. What if... what if Devyn isn't dead?"

"What?" Bryan was surprised by Matt's comment.

"Think about it. We are taking Devyn's parents at face value. The boys were caught having sex and Frank tossed Devyn out. What if he is just telling us Devyn's dead? Maybe that is just wishful thinking on Frank's part or maybe it is how he's dealing with having a gay son."

"But for him to tell you..."

"Oh, he would definitely not care to hurt me. I'm sure he got some sort of pleasure out of that."

"But Brent's parents or at least Devyn's girlfriend?"

"I know. It is low. Despite what your kid does..."

"Yeah, not even my parents did that. They disowned me and never talked about me..."

Matt turned from the window to enfold Bryan in his arms. "It is their loss. They just don't know what a fantastic man you are."

"Thanks, babe." Bryan tenderly kissed Matt's lips. "You have no idea how good you had it."

"I do have some idea. My parents were surprised but totally accepting."

"Your Mom is a hell of a lady. I wish I had known your dad."

"Me too. He would have liked you."

"I know I would have liked him because I LOVE his son." Bryan placed extra emphasis on the word and then kissed Matt again.

"So, what do we do about our boy?" Matt asked. He was out of ideas. Nothing they had tried had seemed to interest Brent.

"I don't know. He lost someone he loved. He's been through so much."

"He has but he's made so much progress. We were getting closer and so were he and Alex."

"Has he reached out to Alex?" Bryan did not think so but wondered if Matt knew something he did not.

"No. Alex has been calling and texting me. He wants to come over but I'm afraid of doing more harm."

"Maybe we should let him. Maybe Alex can get through to him. Maybe we should make a road trip to see Steven. They bonded in that hell and maybe he can get through to Brent."

"I'm willing to try anything. Let's see what Dr. Drake says tomorrow. We can take it from there."

"That sounds like as good a plan as any."

# #

"There is no point in going," Brent told Matt the next day when Matt reminded Brent of the appointment with Dr. Drake.

Matt had changed his schedule so he could go to the appointment with both Brent and Bryan. He wanted to be there to hear what Dr. Drake thought of Brent's setback.

"Brent, this is not optional." Matt did not like being the heavy but he had to get Brent some help.

Brent's voice got louder.:" I'm not going. You can't make me go!"

Matt was a little surprised by Brent's anger and outburst. Brent had shouted before but never at him or Bryan.

"Hey soldier, take it down a notch," Bryan said and placed a hand on Brent's shoulder.

Brent flinched and pulled away from Bryan's touch. "I'm not going." Brent's voice was still defiant but he was no longer shouting.

Matt took a deep breath. "Look Brent, this is step one of making sure you never have to go to one of those visitations again. My attorney needs the report from Dr. Drake to file his papers with the judge."

"Come on Brent, you know this is the right thing to do," Bryan said.

"Fine. But this is the last time." Brent stomped off to get dressed. He had not been out of his sweats or shorts since his visitation with his parents. That had been the last time he had left the house except to sit on the back deck. He liked sitting there in the sun.

Matt and Bryan had tried forcing him to go to school but he had refused. The yelling match...well it had been Brent doing the yelling. It had not been until he had broken down that the men had relented. They said they would give him until this appointment with Dr. Drake but after this, he would have to go to school again.

Brent did not see the point in going to school. He did not see the point in anything. The world was useless without Devyn in it.

Bryan and Matt exchanged a look. They watched as Brent went to his room to dress. The sound of the door slamming was loud in the cabin.

"Shit, I did not expect that kind of outburst."

"Me either babe. Looks like we've got a surly teenager on our hands."

Matt took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "I hope the doctor can put us on the right path to helping him."

# #

Brent did not want to keep snapping at Matt and Bryan. He knew he owed them but he could not control his outbursts. He felt as though someone had ripped his stomach open and his insides were slowly running out. Sitting across from Dr. Drake was not helping. The doctor expected him to talk and Brent did not want to do that. All he wanted to do was go back home and get back into bed.

"This works better if you talk to me, Brent." Dr. Drake could see that Brent was backsliding and he was not sure how he could help the boy.

"There's nothing to talk about. There is nothing..."

"I know learning of Devyn's passing is a shock." Dr. Drake was watching Brent closely. He could see the sorrow in Brent's eyes. He could see the anger in the set of Brent's lips. There was no doubt in the doctor's mind that the teenager was torn up inside.

"A shock. It was more than that. I'm only here so you can tell the judge to fuck off."

Dr. Drake snorted. "I don't think I'll phrase it like that in my report to the judge."

"Just tell him whatever you need to tell him. The bottom line is I'm done with them. I'm done with those useless visitations. I'm not going back. I'm not seeing them again!"

"I agree that it would not do you any good to see them right now."

"Not just right now. NEVER!" Brent shouted the last word and then got up and began pacing. "I think he did it on purpose. I think he wanted to hurt me. I think he likes it when I'm in pain. He's a sadistic fucker."

Dr. Drake listened as Brent finally started talking. He watched the teenager pacing the room. He wondered if a treadmill would help the boy. He definitely had some pent-up energy.

"Did you tell them how you felt?"

"They don't give a fucking shit how I feel. I told them exactly what had been done. I told them exactly how I was raped. I told them how she tied me up and rode me like a fucking animal."

"But did you tell them how you felt?"

"THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE!" Brent was shouting the words at the top of his voice. "No one cares anymore." Brent's voice was soft now. "The only one that cared is gone."

"Now, Brent, you know that is not true."

"He's gone. I fucked up both our lives and can't fix it. I don't get a second chance." Brent dropped back down into the chair. He felt the tears sliding down his cheeks. He wished it were him. He wished he could stop the pain.

"Matt and Bryan care about you. They love you, Brent."

"They don't understand what a fucked-up mess I am. I'm so screwed up. They deserve better than me."

"I believe they would definitely disagree with that."

"They just don't see me for me. They don't see how, how..."

"Yes, Brent?" Dr. Drake was watching Brent closely. He was concerned about how bad the shock was to Brent to learn that his first love was dead.

Brent got up from the chair. He paced. "It just doesn't make sense. He should be, be..."

"I know it is hard to accept."

Brent spun around. "I can't accept it. I can't. It is wrong. The world is wrong without him in it."

"I'm sure it does feel like that. Grief is a rough emotion to navigate under the best conditions."

Brent turned back to look out the window. He wanted to just jump out and get rid of the pain in his chest and stomach. Brent jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Coming to terms with his loss is going to be the hardest thing for you to do." Dr. Drake's voice was level and filled with the man's concern for Brent. His attachment to this teenager was evident in his eyes.

Brent shrugged off the Doctor's touch. It was the first time Dr. Drake had ever made physical contact with Brent. "I'm not sure I can." Brent's voice quivered with his emotions.

"I'm here to help you. So are Matt and Bryan."

Brent looked out the window down at the sidewalk and the street. "I know. No matter how poorly I treat them, they are there for me."

"That is all part of love Brent. Being there both physically and emotionally."

"I don't deserve them." The tears slid down Brent's cheeks. "I didn't deserve him and I don't deserve them."

"You did not deserve to be put through the hell you have. You do deserve two loving parents and Matt and Bryan are that."

"But my real parents..."

"In every way that matters, Matt and Bryan are real parents. They are yours and you are theirs."

"I'll never love anyone again."

"I know that is how you feel right now. I'm sure I would feel the same way. It is hard to get over that first love. I'm not sure we ever truly do. I still think about mine from time to time. I wonder where she is. Is she married? Does she have children? I wonder what our life would be like now."

"But she's alive?"

"As far as I know. We lost touch ages ago. She moved somewhere on the West Coast."

"At least you and her could have been together. You did not have parents and stupid narrow-minded..."

"I know it is so much harder for a gay couple. It is probably even harder for two boys than two girls."

"How do I cope with losing him?"

"Time Brent, it will take time. Turn to Matt and Bryan and confide in Alex."

"Alex is out of the picture. He's better off without my...my fucked up emotional shit."

"I believe Alex would disagree."

"He's moved on. He's got Pete. Pete is better for him."

"Did Alex tell you that?"

"It is true. He needs a boyfriend that can love him. I can't do that. I can't, I can't..."

"Brent, the physical part..."

"It's more than that. Although, I have not been able to do that either. I don't even want to know. I have no interest in it."

"That will pass in time."

# #

Brent felt more drained than he ever had after a session with Dr. Drake. It was even worse that Dr. Drake wanted him back in just a few days. Brent knew that meant he was falling apart all over again.

Brent was lying on his bed looking at his phone. He was looking at the picture of Alex and their string of text messages. The last fifty or so were just from Alex. Brent had not been responding. Alex was still texting him even though Brent was not responding to any of them. Sometimes it was just a "good morning" or "good night." There were "I miss you" and "I'm sorry."

Brent could not believe that Alex had not given up. He had texted just an hour ago. "Just wanted to say hi and to let you know I'm thinking of you."

Dr. Drake had encouraged Brent to reach out to Alex but Brent could not do that to Alex. The guy was too nice to be burdened with Brent's fucked up life. He would not add to Alex's misery. He wanted Alex to move on. Brent wondered if Alex would move on with his friend Pete. Brent felt a pang of jealousy at that thought. Alex had talked enough about Pete that Brent knew the two roommates were close friends. Alex had always made Pete just sound like a good friend but it might not take much for that to change. Would Brent be alright with that? He honestly was not sure. Somewhere inside he wanted Alex's attention. He wanted to feel that closeness with someone. He and Alex had become closer. That was mostly due to Alex's persistence.

Brent locked his screen and put his phone down. Part of him did miss Alex. Part of him wanted to reach out to the guy. He wanted to go on one of their walks. He wanted to tell Alex how good it had felt to hug him. It had made him feel wanted. That was one of the things that Devyn had made Brent feel right from the start. Devyn had made Brent feel wanted as a friend and then as a boyfriend.

Alex had also given that to Brent. All of the texts and the calls had made Brent feel special to Alex. However, Alex was not Devyn. With just one look, Devyn had made Brent's stomach flip. Brent wondered if he had ever felt that with Alex. He could not remember how it had been before. He might have and just not remember it now. Because of Wilson, he might not ever have that stomach-flipping feeling again.

Brent picked up his phone and considered texting Alex but he was not sure what to say. He knew he would just keep hurting the guy. He was going to just keep hurting everyone around him. He had hurt Devyn. He had hurt Alex. He had probably also hurt that Cody guy. He was sure he had hurt Tracy. He sort of had a memory of them breaking up. Brent wondered if he should reach out to Sue. Maybe she would know what had happened to Devyn. Brent was certain that had been the person his father...no he corrected that. Richard was not his father. He was just a sperm donor. Matt and Bryan were his fathers now.

Brent dropped his phone and rolled onto his side. His face in the pillow as tears began again. He had lost his parents and he had lost Devyn. He had nothing else he could lose.

#

Pete had never liked going to these open Mic nights but here he was. The last person on stage had made Pete's ears ring. He had been off-key all the way through the song and the guy had tried to hit notes that there was no way his voice could hit. Pete would have left then, but Alex was the next person to go on. The guy had been drinking increasingly and that was due to Brent's rejection.

Pete knew that Alex's response to the rejection was his own doing. Of course, that did not stop Pete from blaming Brent. Why the guy could not see what a guy like Alex was worth was beyond Pete. It was obvious that Alex could not move on from Brent and it looked to Pete like Brent was going to keep hurting Alex. Again, intellectually Pete knew much of what Alex had been through was not totally Brent's fault. But this last rejection was totally Brent.

Pete just did not understand the loyalty that Alex showed to Brent. He had never met Brent, so maybe that would change Pete's perception of him. All Pete could see is how unhappy Alex was and how the relationship was hurting Alex. Pete wasn't sure if what Alex and Brent had could even be called a relationship. It might have been before the accident and Brent's time in the clinic but not now.

Pete took his phone from his pocket. He aimed it at Alex and started recording as his friend made his way up onto the stage. Pete had never heard Alex sing and he hoped that the guy would be better than that last person. It would be really hard for him to be worse. That guy had set the bar damn low.

Alex took a drink before he moved up onto the stage. He ran his tongue nervously across his lips before he began speaking. "My best bud is out there recording this. It's for someone special. I hope I'm within his hearing."

Pete shook his head. He wasn't sure if the guy would ever see or hear the recording. Hell, the damn thing might not even be worth sending. Why Alex thought this would get Brent to respond was beyond Pete.

Alex felt almost as nervous as that time at Christmas when he had sung the song he had written for Brent. He rubbed his hand on his pants as he took a deep breath. Then the music started and he began to sing.

Where have you gone My darling one Are you on your own Are you having fun Is there someone to hold When you need it bad Is it uncontrolled Like the love we had

Pete was surprised. Alex was good. Hell, he was better than good. Pete tried to hold his phone steady as Alex continued to sing.

And if you're still within the sound of my voice Over some radio I just want you to know You were always my only choice And wherever you go That I still love you so If you're still within the sound of my voice

Pete could not believe how good Alex sounded. Damn if only Alex was not so damn hung up on Brent. The guy was attractive, talented, and had a wonderful heart. Alex would have been the kind of guy anyone would want. He was certainly the kind that Pete wanted but not when Alex's heart belonged to someone else.

Are you still within the sound of my voice Why don't you let me know I just can't let you go If it's wrong then I have no choice But to love you until I no longer have the will If you're still within the sound of my voice

Pete shook his head as Alex finished the song. There was a loud roar of applause and whistles.

"Damn your friend is good," a lady at the table next to Pete said.

"He is," Pete agreed. He had stopped the recording. He would check the quality later. He hoped they would not have to repeat this exercise.

"Since you were recording it, I'm guessing that was not directed at you," she said.

"Um...no..." Pete let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry," she said. She and her girlfriend moved to Pete's table. "How bad do you have it for him?"

`Damn pushy lesbian,' Pete thought. "Um...we're just friends," Pete said aloud.

"Not by your choice though," her girlfriend said. "My name's Phyllis."

"And I'm April," the other one said.

"I'm Pete," Pete said. He would have rather just finished his beer alone but these two girls were not going to give him that option.

"Does he know how you feel?" April asked. She placed a comforting hand on Pete's arm.

"We're just roommates and friends."

"You mean best buds?" Phyllis smiled.

"Yeah, we are." Pete might want more but he was not going to play second fiddle to Brent or the memory of Brent. Maybe he should get up on stage and sing too. Of course, Pete knew he could not sing any better than that guy that had been on stage before Alex.

The two ladies sat with Pete as Alex was singing a second song. It was more depressing than listening to the tone-deaf guy that had been on stage before Alex.

"Wow, he does have it bad," April said.

"You can hear the heartache in every vocal," Phyllis said.

"You can but damn can that boy sing," April said.

Pete had to agree with them on that. It was clear that Alex loved Brent and was not getting over the rejection. Pete had seen that from the way Alex's drinking had increased. He was going to have to remind Alex that drinking too much would not help him or Brent.

Alex finished the second song. He got less applause on this performance. Maybe that was due to the song being more depressing. He left the stage and made his way to the table. He was surprised to see Pete sitting with a couple of women.

"You were really good," April told Alex once he had reached the table.

"You were the best of the night," Phillis said.

"You were," Pete agreed.

"Um...thanks. Did you...um...record it?" Alex was looking at Pete.

"Yes, the first one. I didn't realize you were going to do that second one."

"We distracted him," April said.

"This is on the house," the waiter said as he brought Alex a beer. He smiled longingly at Alex.

"Um...thanks."

"You were so good," the waiter said. "My name's Bruce."

"Hi Bruce." Alex was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Hey Dude, who knew you could sing?"

Alex looked up to see a guy he had dated briefly standing next to his chair. "Hey E, how is it going?"

"Good man." He patted Alex's back. "So, who was the song for, I'm guessing it wasn't me."

"No, not you dude." Alex knew that he and this guy would never work out. Alex had always been attracted to guys who were a little younger and E liked guys older than him.

"Was it the blond I saw you with a year ago?" His voice had taken on a more serious tone.

"Yeah, that is right. You did meet Brent."

"Right, I couldn't remember his name. Hopefully, he was within the sound of your voice tonight."

"Maybe, if my bud Pete here did a good enough job recording that." Alex indicated Pete sitting between the two lesbians.

"Good luck man."

"You seeing anyone these days?" Alex was trying to make polite conversation. He liked this guy well enough but just as a friend.

"Sure am. We're serious but he comes with some major issues."

"Like what? Got some fetish that you aren't into?" Alex tried to smile a bit but it did not reach his eyes. It was obvious it was a bit forced.

"He's got kids."

"Holy shit! You going to be a daddy?"

"Hell, one of them is only about 6 years younger than me. He's a good guy though."

"That's cool. You ready for an instant family?"

"Honestly, I don't know. It's more responsibility than I...um...considered before."

"Well think about it before going in too far," Alex said.

"Hell, it might be too late for that. He's so damn sexy and so damn nice. He's got it all."

"Well, if he's got your heart, don't let him go." Alex knew he was going to do everything to hold onto Brent.

"I'm planning on holding on to him and heaven help the man that tries to take my MAN!"

Pete was watching Alex closely. Alex had already finished the free beer and was halfway through a second. Pete switched to drinking soda so he could drive them both home.

#

Copyright 2022 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved. No copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture. Thomas Paine

Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine