This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two or more males. If this offends you, why are you here? If you are under the legal age to read sexually explicit material then do not read any further. This story in no way represents any person living or dead. Any resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental.

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Brent's Struggle Chapter 38

The sessions with Dr. Drake were not helping Brent. Dr. Drake wanted Brent to talk about his feelings and open up about Devyn but that only made Brent more depressed. Thinking about Devyn made Brent realize what he had lost. He believed he would never have that kind of love again.

Dr. Drake also wanted to focus on Brent's feelings toward his parents. Thinking about Richard only made Brent angry. He repeatedly told Dr. Drake that he would not see him again. If he did it might not be Matt that punched Richard.

"What about your mom?" Dr. Drake asked Brent during one of the sessions. "It sounds like she is more understanding and wanted..."

"She is just as fucking guilty as he is. She put me in that hell. She cost me..." Brent had to pause to compose himself. His throat was getting tight when he thought about what he had lost with Devyn. "She cost me my life."

"Brent, consider this." Dr. Drake paused to compose his words. "You and Devyn were young." Dr. Drake could see the anger starting to flare in Brent's blue eyes. "I'm not saying that you two were not in love. I totally believe you were." Some of the fire in Brent's blue eyes died down with those words. He would not have anyone discounting what he and Devyn had.

"We were not only in love but we were best friends. He was the best part of us." Brent stopped as his throat was constricting again as he thought about Devyn.

"It was also your first love. Those feelings are so intense. You and Devyn were still learning and growing. You two might have grown in different directions."

"We wouldn't have!" Brent's voice was adamant.

"Plus," Dr. Drake went on ignoring the slight outburst, "you were experiencing sex for the first time. At least, sex with another person."

Brent could feel his ears burn a bit at the direction the conversation was going. He knew Dr. Drake did not judge him but he still was uneasy talking about sex with him. He remembered some of what he had related to the man about what had taken place in the clinic.

"I am glad that your first sexual intercourse was with Devyn. I think having that kind of loving friendship to explore is a good foundation for you. I think it will be those memories and feelings that will help you overcome what happened in the clinic."

"It was so good with Devyn." Brent's voice was soft. He was looking at his hands. He could still remember his hands touching Devyn. He could feel Devyn's smooth skin. He could taste Devyn on his tongue and lips. The memory was so strong that it might have just been yesterday.

"You should hold onto those memories and feelings. I know the grief at this loss is trying to overpower those feelings but hold onto them. It is true that it is better to have that and lost it, than to have never had that kind of passion and love."

Brent knew that Dr. Drake was only trying to help him. He just did not feel like the appointments were doing anything to make him feel better. Matt and Bryan were not going to let him skip them but if Brent had his choice he would stop going. The only reason he did not fight Matt and Bryan over them, was that he knew that the appointments were going to make it so he never had to see his parents again.

#

Matt paced in the office. He was looking out the window that Brent often looked out during his own sessions. "What do I do to help him? He refuses to go to school. He won't talk to Alex. Hell, he won't even talk to Steven. He's shutting everyone out."

"He's had a major setback." Dr. Drake could see the tension and the despair in Matt. The man wanted to help Brent so much and right now there was little that he could do for the teenager.

"He's more depressed now than before. It's like something is missing. He's not talking to me; he's not talking to Bryan and he refuses to talk to or text Alex. He only comes to these appointments because he does not want to go back to another visitation with his parents."

"I am recommending that to the judge. Brent's best interests would not be served by being sent back to live with his parents and the visitations only cause him to suffer more. He's old enough that I think the judge will give him what he needs and that is to remain permanently with you and Bryan."

Matt sank down into the chair. "That is a relief. I was worried that the judge might not understand."

"I believe he will. I've also recommended expediting the decision. I cited how damaging it is to Brent to have this unresolved."

"Thank you."

Matt was relieved that the stress of Brent meeting with his parents might be ending. He was sure with Dr. Drake's recommendation that the judge would terminate those visitations.

"What else can I do?" Matt was looking imploringly at Dr. Drake.

"I do not like to do this but it might be time. I could prescribe something to help Brent. It would be better if he could do this on his own but with all Brent has been through, he just might not be able to do that."

"I don't like the idea of medicating him." Matt wanted the happy boy back that he remembered from that time in the mall.

"I think it may help Brent. If we can pull him out of this tailspin, then maybe we can get him to start the climb back." Dr. Drake moved to his computer to send the prescription to the pharmacy. "You can think about it and if you need it, then it is there waiting for you."

"Thanks, Dr. Drake," Matt said.

"Please Matt, call me Robert. I think we can move past the doctor."

"Thanks."

Over the next few days, Brent's depression seemed to get worse. If they forced him out of bed, he stomped around and snapped at both Matt and Bryan.

Even after starting the medication Brent's mood did not improve. He went to the two weekly appointments with Dr. Drake but he did not leave the house. Both Bryan and Matt had insisted that Brent had to go to school but after being dropped off, Brent ditched school. He would just go for a walk. He would sometimes lose track of time and not realize how late it had gotten until it was getting dark or when his phone would start repeatedly ringing. It was usually Bryan trying to find him.

"How long does this go on?" Matt asked Bryan after Bryan had brought Brent home from a `walk.' Brent had already gone into his room and closed the door.

"I don't know."

"He isn't going to school," Matt said. "I think unless we handcuff him to a desk, then he isn't going to stay there."

Bryan was watching Matt pacing before the door to the back deck. He knew Matt was frustrated by not knowing how to help Brent. "I did not want to go to school at his age either. I was having all those issues with my folks and figuring out I was gay. School was the last place I wanted to be."

"I'm sure Brent feels the same. I mean as far as school is concerned. I think he's figured out he's gay." Matt paused to look out the window over the backyard. It was already dark out there. The days were getting shorter and the weather was growing colder.

Bryan moved up behind his husband. He started massaging Matt's shoulders. He could feel the knots of tension in Matt's neck and shoulders. "Maybe we should just invite Alex over. Maybe he can get through to him."

"Alex said he still texts him every day but Brent never responds. I've told him not to come over. I thought Brent needed some space. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Alex is what he needs. "Ah, that feels good." Matt sighed as some of the knots loosened in his neck.

"He definitely needs something. We could take him to see Steven. Maybe he can get through to him."

"I'm willing to try anything." Matt did not know what else they could do to help Brent. "I'll call Steven's uncle and set up a visit and then put in for the time off."

"Your boss is not going to like that." Bryan was continuing to knead Matt's shoulders.

"Oh, fuck but that feels good." Matt closed his eyes. "I'm not worried about work. I can take my laptop with me and log in from Montana...that is if they have internet."

#

"Please talk to me." Brent looked at the text from Alex. The guy was nothing if not persistent.

"I just want to hear your voice. I just want to know you are alright."

Brent knew he was not alright. Alex should know that by now. Why the guy had not moved on, Brent did not know. The man was damn good-looking. He was sexy and hell he was loaded. Brent knew most guys would give anything to have a boyfriend like Alex.

Brent went to the video file attached to one of Alex's recent texts. He opened it and watched the video. The sound quality was not great but there Alex was singing to him. He still sounded good Brent guessed that Pete had been the buddy in the audience recording the video. The clip ended and Brent moved to the most recent text.

Brent started a text but then deleted it. He wanted to reach out to Alex but he also wanted to set the guy free. He knew Alex did not deserve a guy as fucked up as Brent believed he was. Brent did not understand why Alex did not move on with Pete. There had to be more there than friends...wasn't there? Brent felt a small surge of anger at Pete, a guy he had never met. Pete could have a normal relationship with Alex. That was something Brent could not do. He could barely let Alex touch him. That reflex seemed even worse now. He snapped at Matt and Bryan if they touched him. Of course, that had not stopped them. In Brent's mind, they deserved better than him.

Brent moved from looking at messages from Alex to some from Steven. "I'm worried about you. What's going on? You aren't answering me." As Brent was reading the text his phone started ringing. It was Steven calling him. Brent could not help but wonder if the guy was a bit psychic. Brent sent the call to voicemail. He was not ready to talk to anyone. The one person he wanted to talk to was gone.

Brent closed his eyes and tossed his phone away. He wanted to talk to Devyn. He wanted to tell him he still loved him. He wanted to hear that from Devyn. Or at least to hear that Devyn did not hate him. Had Devyn died hating Brent? Brent hated that their last time together Brent had been so cruel.

Brent rolled over on his bed. He buried his face in his pillow as the tears began flowing. He hated his life and he hated feeling in so much emotional pain. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it to go away.

#

Alex looked at his phone again. He still saw no response from Brent. He knew Matt had told him to stay away but he was not sure how much longer he could do that.

Alex put down his phone and picked up the bottle. He took a long drink. Pete had commented about his drinking but Alex needed something to reduce the pain.

When the apartment door opened, Alex grabbed his phone. For the briefest of moments, he had believed his phone had vibrated but the screen was dark.

"Man, you haven't even gotten dressed," Pete came into the apartment from his last class of the day. "Have you even moved from that couch?"

"Sure. I went to the bathroom earlier."

"Fuck man, it smells like you went to the bathroom right there."

"Shut up."

"Really Alex, when was the last time you showered?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders. "I, ah, well..."

"If you don't know, then it is time for one. You smell like a brewery and not in a good way."

"Alright, I'll get up in a bit and shower."

"You haven't been out of here since that night we took the video of you singing at the bar. Did you ever send that to him?" Pete was curious what if any the response had been.

Alex looked down at his bare feet. "I did. He never answered."

"Look Alex, I'm sorry."

"Maybe the file wouldn't play. There could be a number of reasons why he didn't respond."

"Sure, there could be but you need to live. I know you think..."

"Don't fucking start on me." Alex's voice was sharp.

"Someone has to. I miss my friend. Man, I love you, and sitting in this apartment and drinking is not good. You need to get out."

"I don't feel like going out."

"Well, you need to. You haven't showered and when was the last time you shaved? This unkempt and grunge look does not work on you."

"I just don't feel like it."

Pete got up. "Alex, it's time to live again."

"I just don't know what I did wrong. He won't even text me to let me know he's alive."

Pete really wanted to punch Brent. He had never met the guy but he did not like how Alex was being treated. "You two broke up. It happens. Hell, it even happens to me."

"Oh, not to you." Alex's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes, even to me. Even with this studly body."

The corners of Alex's mouth twitched. "You know I don't think I've seen you go out since we've met."

"I've been out. I've had dates. I just haven't talked about them to everyone I know."

"Shut UP!"

"Really, Alex, I'm worried about you." Pete's voice was serious which was unusual for the college student. "I get you love him. For the life of me, I don't know why. I think the guy's a fucking dick."

Alex got to his feet. "He's fucking great. He's kind, he's caring and fucking hot."

"All I see is how he treats my friend and I don't fucking like it." Pete's gaze met Alex's. "I've never seen you this messed up since that night we met. Everything about this guy is trouble for you."

"Shut up, Pete."

Pete could tell he was making Alex mad and he was glad to at least see some emotion other than sadness and depression. "It's true, Alex. You know it. You just aren't letting yourself see it."

"You just don't understand. You don't know what kind of hell he went through in that fucked up clinic."

"I am sure it was hell. I've seen the news stories. I feel for him. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I don't like how he's treating MY friend." Pete added extra emphasis to the `my.' "I've thought about going out there and telling him just what a selfish little dick wad he is."

"Don't even fucking think of doing that!" Alex's voice was getting louder. "He needs time."

"He's had time, Alex. He's had more than enough to at least treat you better. He's shut you out. When was the last time he texted or called you?"

Alex did not want to admit to Pete or himself that the last time was that night Brent had told him to leave. "Talking to the attorney was rough on him. I should have..."

"Alex, what more could you do? You were there for him. You hired a fucking P.I. to find him. You were considering kidnapping him from that clinic. You are fucking awesome and he doesn't even see it."

"He does. He just..."

"He wants to keep you chasing him. It's wrong."

"You don't understand."

Pete took a breath. "Maybe I don't." His voice was calmer now. "All I know is that you deserve someone who treats you better than that."

"I love him. He will get better. He will come back to me in time."

"So then why do this to yourself?" Pete indicated the empty bottles of beer. "Why drink, why not get cleaned up and start going to class again?"

"I've been to classes."

"When? It's been over a week and I don't think you have left this apartment. Well other than for a beer run."

"Actually, that got delivered."

"Well, at least you had enough sense not to drink and drive."

"Look if it will make you feel better, I'll go take a shower."

"That should make you feel better but it will also make it smell better in here."

"Am I that bad?"

"You have gotten kind of ripe, bud."

"I'll take a shower then."

Before moving to the bathroom Alex checked his phone to make sure he did not miss a text from Brent. There was still no response. He let out a sigh.

"Look, Alex." Pete placed a hand on Alex's bare shoulder. "Maybe the guy does just need space. Maybe he needs time to pull it together but you can't go to hell while waiting. If you are going to be there for him, then you need to be here for yourself."

Alex looked down and then back up at Pete. His eyes looked into Pete's. "You're right. I do need to pull it together for him."

"Not just for him, Alex but for yourself."

"Right."

"Of course, for your other friends too. You know we love you."

Alex's lips curved up into a smile. "Thanks, Pete. I love you too man." Alex moved in and put his arms around his friend. He hugged him tight.

Pete returned the hug. His hands caressed the planes of Alex's back.

Alex lightly kissed Pete's cheek. "Thanks for the kick in the ass."

"Anytime Roomy. Now go shower. You stink."

#

Brent threw back the covers and got out of bed. He began pacing. He wasn't sleeping much these days. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. He could see the dark circles under his eyes. He looked at the bottle of medication that Dr. Drake had prescribed. He could remember Wilson drugging him. When Matt had approached the subject of medication Brent had nearly come unglued. He did not want to go down that path again. Of course, what Wilson had given him, in the beginning, was to make him impotent. Then she had pumped him full of something to make him perform. Now he was back to being a limp dick all on his own.

Brent opened the bottle and dumped one of the pills into his hand. He had taken one earlier, hadn't he? He did not remember. He might have forgotten. He carried the bottle and pill into the hall. He went to the kitchen sink and got a glass of water. He swallowed down the pill. Then he dumped another one from the bottle. One had not been helping him cope. Maybe two would make him feel better. Brent washed down the second pill. He left the glass sitting next to the sink.

Brent walked through the quiet living room. Matt and Bryan were sound asleep. He was not sure what time it was. He had been awake for hours. He did not want to go back to his room. He thought about going out onto the back deck but it had been getting colder. He walked over to Matt's desk and ran his hand across the back of Matt's chair. He owed Matt so much for helping him. He just was not sure why. The man deserved more than Brent could give him. Matt and Bryan both deserved a better kid

Brent turned from Matt's desk and looked at the fireplace. He walked up to the picture of Matt and Bryan. It was their wedding picture. They looked so good together. They were both smiling. Brent thought they looked extremely happy. Brent wondered if he and Devyn might have looked like that. If their stupid parents and not gotten in the way. "I hate them!" Brent never wanted to see either of his parents again.

Brent turned from the picture of the smiling Matt and Bryan. It was only reminding him of what he would never have. Brent walked back towards the kitchen. He saw the bottle of wine sitting on the island. Matt had commented about it not being that good. Brent moved to the island and picked up the wine. He took a sniff. He didn't think it smelled all that good. He brought it to his lips and took a drink. He made a face as the liquid slid over his tongue. Brent would agree with Matt that it did not taste that good. He wondered if the beer that Bryan had been drinking would taste better.

Brent moved to the refrigerator and opened it up. There were a few bottles of dark beer still sitting there. Brent wondered if having one might help him sleep. Didn't alcohol usually make you sleepy? He grabbed one and opened it. He took a drink and made a face. He wasn't sure that the beer tasted any better than the wine.

Brent carried the beer to the door that led out onto the back deck. Despite the cold, he opened the door and went out into the cool night air. He padded barefoot over to the wooden chair and sat. The moon was full and the sky was filled with stars. "Are you up there watching me?" Brent's voice was barely more than a whisper. "I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry. I wish I had gone with you that day." Brent took another long drink. He thought maybe the beer was tasting better.

Brent sat there dreaming about how things might have been different. He dwelled on how he and Devyn might have continued dating and loving each other during high school. He thought about the late-night study sessions and how they might sleep curled up together. That last night with Devyn had been the best of Brent's life. The excitement and the release of cumming with Devyn. Then they had slept next to each other. Their naked bodies had been intertwined all night long. Not to mention the way they had woken up. Brent could still remember the pleasure of Devyn waking him up.

Brent had finished the beer and got to his feet. "I'll never get that chance now. I'll never get to be happy again." He was looking at the moon as he spoke. He stumbled a bit and felt a bit lightheaded as he headed back into the house. He made his way to the kitchen and stood gripping the counter. He picked up the wine and took a drink from the bottle. It did not taste as bad as it had at first.

After taking another drink, Brent spotted the bottle of medication. He tried to remember why it was there and not in his room. Oh, he had come out here to get some water to take one. Did he do that? Brent did not remember. His stupid memory was still like Swiss cheese. He opened the bottle and took another pill out. He guessed if he had taken one, taking a second one would not hurt. The damn things weren't really helping anyway.

Brent washed down the pill with another drink of wine. He thought the beer tasted better than the wine. "Why not just get drunk," he thought. "Other kids my age do that." Maybe if he drank enough, he would not remember. Maybe he would forget that Devyn was gone. Maybe he would forget the pain. Maybe he would forget everything.

Brent got another beer and opened it. He took a long drink. He decided he did like the taste of beer better than the wine. He guessed he and Bryan had something more in common than just their blue eyes and blonde hair. If only Bryan was his father and not Richard. How much better Brent thought his life would be. Bryan would have supported him and Devyn. If Devyn had been kicked out, Bryan would have let Devyn move in with them. Brent's fuzzy mind spun out the fantasy of him and Devyn living with Bryan. They could all three have slept together. He and Devyn could have made love to each other and to Bryan.

Brent was trying to focus on the idea of all three of them in bed together. Oh, but wait he would need Matt too. Matt had been there for him and he would have been there for Devyn.

Brent stumbled around the room. He was looking at Matt's desk and then at the fireplace again. He moved to the wedding picture of Matt and Bryan. He thought again how happy the two men looked. He knew he and Devyn could have been that happy. If their asshole parents had just let them. Even if Devyn's folks had just kicked him out, Brent's parents could have taken him in. If they had only understood. But they hadn't understood. They had destroyed his life. They had destroyed his life not just once but twice. Or was it three times now? Brent's mind was getting even fuzzier. He thought that was good. He was forgetting. Maybe he could just forget it all. Maybe having memory loss wasn't the worse thing. If he could forget the pain, then it would be worth it to not know anything.

Brent stumbled back to the kitchen. He spotted the bottle of pills. Had he taken one? He could not remember. He opened the bottle and tried to pull one out into his hand but they all flew out of the bottle. He caught several but they also flew onto the floor and countertop. Brent looked at the ones in his hand and popped them into his mouth. He grabbed the bottle of wine and drank down the last of it. Brent thought that maybe the wine was tasting better.

He turned and stumbled towards the sofa. Maybe he should lie down for a minute. His bedroom seemed a thousand miles away. He stumbled again and almost fell. He caught himself but knocked off the lamp on the end table next to the sofa. It crashed to the floor breaking. "SHIT!" He bent to pick up the broken pieces. He was clumsy and one of the jagged pieces sliced into the palm of his hand. Brent looked confused at the red fluid beginning to spread across the palm of his hand. He watched as it dripped between his fingers. He couldn't understand where the blood was coming from. The pain was not registering.

He knew he needed to do something before the red got onto the carpet. He tried to get to his feet but was more unsteady than before. He put a hand on the end table to try and get up. His hand was slippery with blood and it slid across the glass surface of the tabletop. Brent lost his balance and fell. He knocked over the table. The glass top shattered as it fell. Then Brent fell into the broken shards. The pain of the sharp metal piece of the lamp stabbed into Brent as he fell. He tried to push himself up but the world was growing dim. The pain of the glass cutting him was not registering in Brent's foggy brain. The world was growing darker and then Brent collapsed into the broken glass.

#

Matt jerked awake. He had heard something in the other room. He listened then heard a second crash. He wondered if Brent was up or if someone was breaking into the house. Matt threw back the covers and started to get out of bed. He shook Bryan's shoulder. "I heard something."

"It's probably just Brent not able to sleep again." Bryan had been wide awake at Matt's touch. "You want me to check on him?"

"No, I'm up. I'll see what it is. You are probably right. He's probably just restless." Since Matt had heard no other noises, he was guessing it was not someone breaking into the house.

Matt got out of bed and padded barefoot to the bedroom door. He stepped from the master bedroom into the short hall. He saw Brent's door was open. He poked his head into the bedroom. He saw the pile of blankets but did not see Brent's sleeping form. He moved down the hall into the kitchen. He flipped on the overhead light as he moved into the room. He first noticed the wine bottle lying on its side. "Brent?" Matt looked around the room and did not see Brent. He was surprised that Brent would knock over the bottle and then just leave it. The boy had been moody lately but this was out of character for the boy.

Matt moved and picked up the bottle. He first noticed it was empty. Had Bryan dumped the wine? Matt knew he had not. He had only had a glass of it and had not liked it. It had been a gift from a colleague and it had been from a decent winery but it had just not been a good year or vintage.

Matt moved and that was when he saw Brent and the glass and the red blood. Matt felt his blood run cold at the site of the blond boy surrounded by glass and there was so much blood.

"BRYAN!"

Bryan had started to drift back to sleep but the panic in Matt's voice pulled him wide awake. It only took Bryan a minute to bolt from the bed and down the short hall into the kitchen. "FUCK! What happened?"

"Matt had already moved closer to Brent. He was careless of the broken glass and winced as something stabbed into his foot. He ignored the pain and knelt next to Brent. "There is so much blood."

"It isn't as much blood as it looks like." Bryan's voice was calm. He hoped that the statement was true in this case. He reminded himself that he had seen worse. He had seen much worse. He had already grabbed the phone and dialed 9 1 1.

#

Alex could hear his phone vibrating. He slowly opened his eyes. He was on the bed instead of the sofa. The room was dark and Alex closed his eyes again. The phone continued to vibrate. He opened his eyes. He was in the small bedroom with Pete. He looked over at Pete sleeping next to him. It was far too early for anyone to be calling him.

The vibrating stopped and Alex considered going back to sleep. He closed his eyes. He wanted another couple of hours. He and Pete had stayed up late talking. Pete had given him the push he needed to pull himself back together.

Alex was just starting to drift off again when his phone again began vibrating. He reached for it and pulled it up so he could look at the screen. He blinked his eyes. Then he sat up. He fumbled trying to answer the call. "Matt?"

"Alex," Matt paused. "You need to come to the hospital. Brent's hurt."

"What, when?"

"Alex, you should come now."

"Matt, is he, is he going to be alright?"

"Just get here as soon as you can."

"I'm on my way."

The call ended. Alex threw off the sheet and blanket. He started scrambling for clothes.

"Alex, what's up?"

"I don't know. I have to go. I have to get to the hospital."

"What happened dude?"

"I don't know." Alex was trying to put his right foot into his left shoe. "Brent's hurt and it has to be bad. Matt sounded like hell."

"I'll drive you."

"You don't need to do that."

Pete was already out of bed pulling on shorts and looking for his shirt. He realized that Alex was wearing his shirt. "Dude, you are too upset. I'm not having you end up in a room next to him. I'm driving." Pete's voice was leaving no room for negotiation.

"You don't have to..."

"Alex, your hands are shaking and hell dude you are wearing half of my clothes."

"Oh, um sorry."

"I'm driving."

"Thanks, Pete." Alex moved and hugged Pete. "You're a great friend."

"Yeah, don't forget it." Pete returned Alex's hug. His hands lightly stroked Alex's back. "Now we better get going."

"Ah Pete, about last night..."

"We're cool Alex. We both know where we stand. I know you love him."

"I do but I also love you too."

"I know that. It just isn't the same way."

"It isn't. I'm sorry if..."

"Alex, I told you we are cool."

"Thanks, Pete."

#

Copyright 2023 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved.

No copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture. Thomas Paine

Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine