Who Knew Written by JM
** Disclaimer: Don't own em, don't know em, not factual. No harm, no foul. Please be at least the age of 18. **
You took my hand, you showed me how You promised me you'd be around I took your words and I believed In everything you said to me
There were voices but he didn't listen to them. His soft blue eyes carelessly stared at the glass in front of him, almost oblivious to the occupant in the other room in front of him. His fingers tapped along a mixer, blinking lights and dozens of buttons he knew not to push or they'd have to start over once more. His yawn wasn't heard over the beginning of the playback but he caught a disapproving stare from the corner, a feigned grin offering some form of an apology to his friend. There were days when the tattoos hidden beneath a gray hoody were the only things he could use to identify AJ. He was becoming too much like Nick; all cigarettes and loud talking with lots of swearing and crude comments that left a thick, unwanted taste at the back of his throat. He hated when Baylee was around to witness that.
"We need to quicken the tempo and turn up the bass."
He shook his head, leaning forward on the mixing board. AJ always wanted to change something. He was beyond critical. He wanted to call it precise, maybe a trait suited for a perfectionist, but since he'd only known AJ to be a perfectionist on the rarest of sober days, he doubted that was AJ's excuse. He liked the power. He ravished in the freedom of having control, the ability to speak his mind because Nick wouldn't disagree too much and Howie wouldn't figure out the proper argument to win a war of words. AJ found solace in the absence of Kevin. There was no definite leader now, but if one was elected, he was certain AJ would try to win over a two-to-one vote of confidence.
"Hey Brian, don't you think we need to change up the tempo?"
He lifted his head then, taking his eyes off of flashing lights. He didn't even bother to look through the glass again, watch Howie stand behind a riser with a lyric sheet he was trying to learn without anybody noticing. But he did. He knew Howie hadn't learned all of his part yet and it was probably because AJ and Nick had just wrote it an hour ago when Howie complained about lacking a voice in the song. He twitched his nose and gave AJ a quick glance over his shoulder.
"Howie needs to take his voice up a half-step near the end of that verse."
"Oh come on Brian, that's all you think is wrong?" AJ inquired, voice thick with rasp. He leaned forward from his seat on a couch near the door, raising his brow at his friend. "You know the Backstreet Boys way of doing things. D is a pro at this."
On the surface, they were the Backstreet Boys. Platinum certified, Grammy nominated, chart topping, once the leader of a generation of musical idols. Officially, they were still those guys. But something internally, something was missing. It was barely held together by some non-name brand glue that Brian wished could repair everything that was missing. It was easy to blame the absence of Kevin for that lasting feeling of emptiness. It was the obvious missing link. But it was something about their personal growth, their refusal to move on. Something about the way they had grown in different directions and yet they still wanted to hold onto some part of their youth, their hidden resolve.
Brian knew they'd still be friends if the group was no more. He still, for the most part, considered Howie, Nick, and AJ brothers. He'd call, probably more than they'd call him. He'd be at every wedding, child birth, AA meeting, award presentation, and declaration of depression. But that was him. That was always him. He had that dedication for them. He was certain Nick lacked that kind of enthusiasm. AJ had grown into someone who often spoke of devotion but remained non-committal. Howie carried the same attitude as Brian but his steadiness had wavered through the years. Kevin had already begun to become less involved, less willing to answer the phone or make a valiant attempt to make conversations long and full of wisdom like he did when he was part of the group. But there was still something linking them together.
"Whatever you thinks best AJ," Brian sighed out, a small shrug following his words. He leaned back in his chair, a familiar buzz vibrating against his thigh. He heard some kind of sarcastic remark follow his words but he didn't take the time to let it meander in his thoughts. He flipped open his SideKick and smiled when a familiar name blinked across the screen.
"Dude, didn't we order some food awhile ago?"
Brian didn't turn his head when the door swished open and Nick's voice bellowed into the production room. He read through the text message with strict concentration, eyes squinted and mouth fumbling with a crooked grin. He knew he should have some sense of worry, some sense of fear after reading the message but he was still tingling from the thought of getting a message period.
"Yeah, we ordered it sometime before your first smoke break/ What are you on number three now?" AJ pondered, sliding over on the couch before Nick could plop down.
"Yeah and fuck off," Nick chimed, flicking AJ off while trying to peer at Brian. "Brian?"
"Catchy lyric. I'll have to remember that for our next song," AJ grinned, lightly punching Nick's arm. It drew no reaction.
"Hello? Paging Mr. Littrell," Nick beckoned, leaning forward in his seat to grab the back of Brian's chair. He gave it a light shake and eased back when Brian slowly swiveled the chair around to face him. He smirked when Brian stared at him with an unresponsive expression. He crossed his arms, words of spite waiting to rise.
"Man, Nick, lay off. Can't you see the man's taking care of business on his phone there. It's probably the soon-to-be ex-wifey trying to fuck up his day once again," AJ insisted, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his jeans. He scowled when Nick snatched one from the open pack. "Seriously Brian, you just need to move on from it. She cheated, you caught her, you don`t want her back, end of story. Go out and find a new little young thing to replace her."
AJ's frankness never threw him. They had been around each other for more years than Brian cared to remember; he was used to it. It was the sheer belief behind those words that troubled Brian and led him to hold his SideKick in one hand while stringing the fingers of his other hand through his hair. There was a tug at his heart, something resembling guilt. AJ was genuine in his statement, unaware of the occurrences in Brian's life. He felt obligated to inform his friends of his fallen marriage. Maybe it was because of a lecture he endured from Kevin when he found out through Brian's parents? It didn't matter much because each of the men were supportive.
Brian caught a slick, intentional grin from Nick out of the corner of his eye. He held back a sigh, trying to avert his eyes from AJ because if he stared too long, he might have to confess to things he was unsure of. Even Kevin was oblivious to Brian's relationship with Justin Timberlake. Brian spent more than an hour questioning Nick on whom he might've told, especially when Kevin started to call more often asking Brian's whereabouts. He was certain he should've told them sooner. Nick was putting a continuous strain on his conscience, but there was no pressure from Justin. Not even a question of why. Justin took comfort in having something secret, a bond that he didn't have to share with countless friends or family. Even Justin's friends found the time to question Brian's sincerity by not informing his friends, the ones he called his "brothers," but Justin stayed in that thin vein of trust with a grin.
It was that quiet thoughtfulness that made Brian want to reply immediately to the message he received. It made him want to excuse himself from the studio and call Justin, listen to him talk about his tour or his appearances or the last time he had the opportunity to do laundry. It made him frown just a little because Justin fell asleep on the phone the night before and they had only spoken via text messages. Brian had yet to hear that voice, the cockiness that resounded through words that didn't always make sense but were worth hearing. But there was something in that message that reminded Brian why he did it all. Apologies for falling asleep, words of adoration, confesses of missing the feel of Brian's body at night, and a quick note about an impending meeting between the two.
Brian looked up, found AJ still watching him and he knew he had yet to piece together a response to AJ's earlier statement. Nick was still grinning smugly and Brian thought to leap from his eat and smack him. Nick was eager to play the blackmail card. He was good at it. He'd once managed to get a quick grand from AJ just to keep quiet about some affair he had while with Amanda. Secrets weren't meant for him and Brian wished daily that the obligation of being best friends meant sharing almost everything in their lives.
"Circumstances have changed AJ," Brian said, his voice lying between convincing and uncertain. He cleared his throat, slouching in his chair. For some reason he wished Baylee was nearby to distract him. But Baylee was in Atlanta, with his mother, and Brian was stuck in some studio their label rented out in a quiet part of California. And how many songs did the label want completed? At least three? Three songs worth of headaches and time consumption that forced Brian to reschedule a few appearances for his own album. Three songs that took time away from his son and from Justin.
"Don't tell me you're going back to her," AJ gushed, his plea exaggerated while leaning forward on the couch.
"Nope, but that whole `find another young thing' sounds pretty accurate," Nick boasted, a lingering snicker following.
Brian sighed loudly while AJ quirked an eyebrow, glancing back and forth between Nick and Brian. Nick was quick to shrug, cocking his head toward Brian. AJ rubbed his goatee while watching Brian, eyeing the older man as he ran his hands over his face and exhaled hard. He sensed the tension and his ineptness prevented him from letting the subject die slowly.
"You're dating again?" AJ inquired and it only took a troubled glance from Brian for him to ease back on the couch, nodding. "That's a good thing."
"Oh, it's great," Nick beamed with a sing-song voice, wild blue eyes focused on Brian.
Brian rolled his eyes on cue. He gripped his SideKick and thought about walking out. He could give an excuse about needing air, slip away to one of the quiet corridors, sit on the floor and try to call Justin. He needed to focus his mind other places, but the inevitable seemed so tangible now. Nick wouldn't refrain from torturing him, probably claiming it all to be some massive joke later on if Brian confronted him about it.
"Jeez Rok, has ol' Nick here met the lucky lady or something?" AJ questioned, slipping a cigarette between his lips. He took a few more glances between Nick and Brian, trying to understand the silent banter between the two. It felt heated and AJ wasn't one to back away from ending confrontations.
"Yeah, I've met the lucky..."
Words were muffled and Brian was steadfast. He felt Nick fighting him but he refused to remove his hand from over Nick's mouth. There was a struggle and Brian was certain when they were younger Nick fought harder. It didn't matter. Brian's own anxiety aided him in finding the strength to keep his hand still.
"Shouldn't you be getting ready to head into the booth to work on your verse?" Brian questioned, his voice tense and he lost his will to hide his anger and disapproval toward Nick. He gave Nick's jaw a strong squeeze and squinted his eyes when Nick squealed. He didn't bother looking at AJ, though he could hear his protests over Nick's fiery, stifled words. He unlatched his hand when he felt AJ tugging at his bicep, resistance still strong as he leaned back in his chair.
"You two are fucking crazy. You would think Brian was trying to hide the fact that he was fucking with Britney Spears from me or something," AJ grumbled, standing and easing between Nick and Brian. He gave Brian a once over, shaking his head at the older man.
"If you only knew how close you were," Nick muttered, hand holding his jaw as he did his best to adjust it. He glared at Brian, slipping his cigarette behind his ear with a pout.
"Studio Nick," Brian hissed, standing from his seat before pushing the chair back. He rolled his shoulders, watching the taller man stand and stick his tongue out at Brian. It was a mild attempt at humor but Brian had fallen quickly away from that natural comedic bubble he and Nick once lived in.
"Need a smoke break first," Nick mumbled, edging away from AJ. He placed a hand on the door, taking a quick glance over his shoulder at Brian. He frowned when he saw Brian's furrowed brow and angered stare.
"I'll join you," AJ said before turning back to Brian. Brian refused to look back and AJ shook his head before asserting, "maybe you should go get a drink Brian. Loosen up a little so we can talk."
Their exit was quiet, but the pounding in Brian's head wasn't. He eased back until he was leaning against the mixing board, eyes slowly shutting as he held back bitter tears. He exhaled softly while rubbing his temples. His mother always told him not to grind his teeth but he knew punching the wall with his bare fist would lead to injuries far worse than his teeth.
He was never the one who caused distress or unease within the group. He could only think of two times where it was him that drew the center of attention. Only when he was having heart problems and decided to marry Leigh Anne. Nick's countless girlfriends and bitter breakups along with continuous family quandaries drew more attention. His desire to leave the group for solo ventures left them all at a standstill. AJ's drug problems, his rehabilitation, and innumerable arguments with the others caused more grief. There were rare instances that involved Howie, but most of them left the group silent for days. Even Kevin and his marital problems and decision to leave the group laid its toll. But not Brian. His decisions, actions in life didn't cause turmoil for the Backstreet Boys.
He gave them each credit for bringing a different, necessary dynamic to the group. He supported their decisions when they were beneficiary and talked through their difficulties when the affects showed a little too greatly. He was comforting when needed and stern when no one would be. It didn't like to argue, something he was sure carried over to his marriage and past relationships. He seldom chose sides. He didn't like to play the martyr and anything that held him back, he dealt with before its side effects trickled over to his life as a musician. He kept his situation with Leigh Anne private for those reasons.
The vibration of his SideKick against his palm opened up blue eyes and drew out a sigh from pressed together pink lips. He flipped it open, took a look at the message and raised his brow. He scratched his forehead while trying to figure out what his response should be. It wasn't necessary. He wasn't supposed to respond. There was some course of action that was expected to be taken and he merely leaned off the mixing board and took a moment to read the words again.
`I'm on the other side of the door'
Moments of clarity were needed, but he only took seconds. Just those few seconds that passed as he curiously walked toward the door, pulled it open and peered to the other side. Those moments were laced with strings of fear, weavings of anxiousness, and the silkiness of knowing comfort was so close. And it was. It was offered to him various shades of blue. Blue eyes that were almost aqua in the hard light of the studio halls. A light blue shirt that was hidden beneath a barely zipped up stripped hoody, the first couple of buttons undone and exposing neck and collarbone. A blue liquid held in a large hand that swirled the contents in the Gatorade bottle around. Brian wanted to stare into those eyes for hours, unbutton that shirt to find more skin beneath, let those hands rub his hand and push back his hair to lay gentle, amber-soft kisses against his forehead.
"Justin," Brian whispered and he was sure he meant to keep that inside, but the name that trickled off his lips seemed to be his only discernable thought.
There was a grin, one only slightly devoid of that nervousness that he could feel the both shared. There was a nod from his boyfriend, one that Brian tried to interpret while Justin moved forward. Brian slipped his SideKick into his pocket, remaining in the doorway as Justin drew close enough for them to whisper but far enough for no one to question whether there was a more intimate connection between the two.
"I know I was supposed to stop by a little later but it got kind of boring shopping with Trace and my cousin. I just hopped in the car, told Lorenzo to follow just in case, and drove down here," Justin stated, his voice drenched in that airiness that tugged at compromising grins and made his eyes more inviting than Brian anticipated.
"You're actually here," Brian said back, his voice soft and fighting with distress. He tried to lift a smile on his own lips, but his thoughts were still there and they were beginning a battle with his awareness of what it meant to have Justin there.
Justin nodded, cautious about inching forward a little more. Instinct made him want to press his palm to Brian's cheek, rub a thumb under his eye and try to dissect Brian's every look. He knew he could. The studio was practically empty sans Brian, Nick, AJ, Howie, and a technician or two. But he was still conscious of who they were, what they weren't to everyone else. He wanted to be that boyfriend, that one that got to pull Brian into his arms and listen to every word Brian said with his hand running over Brian's spine. Desire didn't overrule logic.
"Yeah, I slipped in without Nick or AJ even noticing. I saw them smoking out front so I came in through the back," Justin noted, his hand accidentally running over a pocket on Brian's jeans and he was quick to withdraw. He caught Brian flinch and aspiration was once again rising, pleading with him to lean down and kiss Brian's cheek for assurance. He sighed under an exhale and let his eyes drift around the hall for a moment.
"Yeah, things aren't exactly too kosher around here right now," Brian remarked, eyes glancing down. He was doing his best to hide disappointment. He was nibbling on his lower lip before the thought crossed his mind and shuffling his feet against the ground when Justin laid a hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.
"What's the matter?"
When Justin spoke, Brian felt those frustrated tears begin to build and he fought against him. He cried over grander things, things that hampered his life more. Arguments with Nick or secrets hidden from AJ and Howie shouldn't weigh against his heart the way they did. He could sense it was more about the lie he was telling himself. He was making himself believe it was acceptable to keep his relationship to himself, pretend it didn't exist in front of others. But it did. It made him waking up in the morning worth it. It made days apart, nights together, more cherished than any moment he spent with Leigh Anne or any woman. It kept him balanced and when he pretended it was nonexistent, it left him lopsided, unhinged.
"I haven't told them," Brian finally replied, head lifted and eyes glossy. He didn't shy away from Justin's softening look. It only fueled his grief in origins that were still unknown to parts of his heart. "It's hard."
Justin nodded, his thumb rubbing into the skin at the nape of Brian's neck. He didn't need Brian to elaborate. Confessing to his own friends about his affection for Brian was simpler, if not forced. He didn't have much time to dwell on it, to contemplate the ways to say it or whether he should say it at all. It was more like stripping a bandage from a wound. It was a quick process. A process that he was able to adapt to once he told Trace, marinated in his best friend's reaction. It was something that was a little more difficult when he told his mother. It was painstaking then.
Brian's friends weren't Justin's friends. They were different. Justin was aware of minor situations, the basic structure of how the Backstreet Boys worked. There wasn't a member who had strayed from the orthodox when it came to sexuality. There were questions presented, but nothing concrete. There wasn't a Lance, a period of adjustment for another member before Brian. Justin was accepted because he was Justin. He had always been different, unconventional. They were far too many differences within the similarities that made it easier for Chris to be weird, for Lance to be gay, for Joey to be the whore-turned-father, for JC to be schizophrenic and for Justin to be with Brian.
"Maybe I should go?" Justin suggested, his hand retreating from Brian's shoulder. He knew the importance of time. He understood what fear meant. He lived in it for hours after his heart began to develop feelings surpassing friendly. It didn't hold him long. He resisted its need to hamper any advancement in his situation with Brian. He didn't know if he could say the same for Brian.
Brian struggled with words, but his body reacted naturally. He grabbed Justin's hand before it could drift too far, his eyes glancing to his right and left. It was still only Justin in the hallway. He took in a confident breath, his eyes focusing on Justin once more as Justin raised his brow. He smiled internally, his lips puckering at the sight of the scruffy hairs sprinkled across Justin's cheeks and under his chin. He wanted to kiss it, feel the sharp hairs rub against his cheeks. He couldn't but that didn't stop him from holding onto Justin's hand, waiting for the smallest hint of trust to fade into Justin's eyes. When it did, Brian was brisk to lead Justin into the studio, taking backward steps until he reached the engineering board.
"What about these past few months that we've spent together would give you the impression that I ever want you to go?" Brian asked, his voice still soft but his tone reaching for that confidence he was used to having. He caught the petite grin that slipped across Justin's lips. He let a smaller one pass across his own.
"You can handle this?" Justin wondered, pulling his hand from Brian's. He didn't drift away from Brian. He stayed close, one of his legs sliding between Brian's. He fought against the natural lean his body began to move toward, sliding his hand into his back pocket while his other ran across his buzzed hair.
Brian shrugged, tilting his head to admire Justin. He wanted to latch onto that conviction that Justin carried so naturally. He chewed on the inside of his mouth, watching the way Justin held the back of his neck and stared at him with apprehension circling his blue eyes. It was endearing. It wasn't pity. It was what made Brian want to beg Justin to take him anywhere but the studio just to talk, to breathe.
"If I couldn't then I should've never asked you to be my boyfriend," Brian stated, a finger cautiously slipping into one of Justin's belt loops. He gave it a small tug, grinning at the way Justin resisted.
"I was gonna ask you first," Justin whispered. He chewed on his bottom lip, trying to smile as Brian laughed.
"We should just run away together," Brian teased, eyes lighting up when Justin snorted.
"No, you have to stay here and try to make a hit record," Justin retorted, lowering his hand from his neck to the hem of Brian's shirt. He toyed with it, fingers wanting to venture up and unbutton the few buttons at the top. "But maybe later on we can sit at my place with a bottle of rum?"
Brian licked his lips, that inescapable smile tickling his pink lips. Thoughts rushed his mind, memories of sitting on the floor with a shot glass and a familiar smile dancing across Justin's red lips. Was that Justin's friendly flirtation? He doubted it, but he could still taste the rum on his tongue, the tears against his lips and everything about that night was inviting and warming.
"I wish I could, but you know I have to fly out tonight so I can be there when Baylee wakes up tomorrow morning," Brian sighed out, shivering at the sensation of Justin's cool fingertips as they slipped under his shirt and played with the skin around his navel.
"So why offer to run away?" Justin inquired with a quirked eyebrow, eyes drifting to watch his wrist disappear under the fabric.
"The thought was dreamy," Brian sung back, grinning as he leaned forward to look at Justin. That face was still calling him and those sullen eyes were almost heartbreaking.
"Dreamy huh? Sort of like you," Justin whispered, eyes lifting to glance at Brian. He giggled under his breath when Brian blushed. He'd gladly run away with that shy Brian. He'd cancel his tour to spend days and echoing nights with that side of Brian.
"You make my heart flutter," Brian gushed, leaning off the mixing board. They were close when he did that, bodies touching and he didn't run from it. The production booth was just another room, just another place but Justin was his boyfriend. It didn't matter where, just who to Brian.
"Corny B," Justin uttered, licking his lips before smiling. Another tug at his belt loop and he shattered his own fear. He leaned down, his hand rising from under Brian's shirt to hold his cheek. He grinned when Brian's eyes began to shut and he happily brushed his lips against Brian's. He felt Brian's other hand on the small of his back and he didn't pull away. He let his lips travel across Brian's, feel their soft texture, the way they crushed against his and moved like lace against his skin. He did his best to keep it brief, just a kiss to remind himself what was his, what he didn't know he wanted but had so unconditionally.
"Mmm," Justin moaned quietly when he drew back, snickering when Brian drifted forward and stole another kiss. He let Brian linger, let his lips kiss at Brian's with a freeness he was enjoying long before his mind realized it. "Corny looks good on you."
"You know they think I'm dating your ex," Brian said, his voice low. He eased back from Justin, resting on the mixing board again as Justin raised his brow.
"Who? Please say Alyssa because you and Cameron wouldn't be a good fit. You're both goofballs and she`s far too unavailable emotionally for someone as sweet as you," Justin insisted, swiping his thumb across Brian's wet lips.
Brian raised his own brow but he wasn't given the opportunity to answer. A tapping at the glass in the booth shook him and Justin's wide eyes only furthered his desire to turn around. He found it hard to swallow when he stared into Howie's own wide brown eyes. Everything inside of him trembled and his brain couldn't calculate fast enough to respond to Howie's hand gestures. He didn't know why he had forgotten that Howie was still in the studio. He could fumble with excuses like the low lighting the room because it was the way Howie liked to record. He could've been overwhelmed with the presence of Justin or the sheer need to find comfort in the one person he knew would provide it without too many questions. But somehow his mind found it hard to settle into figuring out why he had forgotten because it was too busy trying to piece together how much of his actions with Justin Howie witnessed.
"Yo, the food's here Rok."
Again, thoughts were interrupted. They were splintered and spread across Brian's psyche when Nick and AJ reentered the production booth. His head snapped in the direction of AJ's smoky voice, nerves already reaching past limits he thought he had. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Justin stepping to the side, his focus not on Justin's expression but on the one splattered across AJ's face. Denying that he could feel his heart crawling up into his throat would be like denying the way AJ peered at him didn't make his stomach slip two inches lower.
Brian glanced past AJ, spotted the way Nick rolled his eyes toward Justin before shooting him a smug grin. Friends for years, best friends for what felt like a lifetime. They'd experienced the world together, saw each others' flaws and perfections. He sought Nick's approval for most things. Nick was one of the first people he told about Leigh Anne and their pending nuptials. He screamed and cried to Nick, called him when his son was born. And none of it seemed to matter when Nick's disapproval of Justin became so apparent. What they were to each other for years, for unforgettable moments, was slowly becoming irrelevant.
"I told you he wasn't dating her," Nick sneered, clasping a hand on AJ's shoulder. He leaned in, eyes gaping at Justin while adding, "but they both have bald heads so you were close."
Justin was quick to turn to Brian, wide eyes waiting for Brian's head to turn in the slightest in his direction. He scratched at his goatee, sighing softly. There was a reservation in Brian's eyes that made Justin want to yank him closer and give him that assurance that Brian offered to him when his friends discovered the relationship between he and Brian.
"Oh, that ex," Justin deadpanned.
Brian could sense a joke waiting on Nick's lips and his own protest was already beginning to form into coherent sentences but it was halted when Howie rushed into the production booth, eyes wild with outstretched arms. Brian closed his eyes, the tension digging against his brain while the overwhelming emotions continued to rush his heart. He didn't have to open his eyes to know AJ was still staring, Nick was waiting, Howie was curious, and Justin was still there taken the brunt of the looks.
"I am praying that maybe I am gradually suffering the weird after effects of some kind of contact high from last night at that party I went to," Howie prattled, pushing past Nick and AJ. He gave Justin another look, confused by his presence. "Did I really just see Brian kiss Justin Timberlake?"
"Kiss?" AJ hissed.
"So that explains why your voice is kind of sub par today," Nick chimed, reaching out to lay his free hand on Howie's shoulder. He pouted when Howie shrugged it away and grumbled when AJ did the same.
"Maybe Brian was choking and Justin was offering him mouth-to-mouth?" Howie suggested, scratching his neck. He was good at convincing the others when needed, but convincing himself proved unthinkable.
"Said the spider to the fly," Nick muttered, a tight grin on his lips when Justin began to glare at him.
"You. Kissed. Him?" AJ questioned, taking small steps toward Brian. He ignored Nick when he pulled the bags of food from his hands. He kept his eyes on Brian, patient until Brian's eyes batted open. He wondered if those were tears that kept Brian's lashes matted together or if maybe that was the beginning of a frown on Brian's pouting lips.
Brian still hadn't pieced the words he needed together. He could've thought of this moment a million times before and he was certain he still wouldn't have the right words to say. He had accepted reality, swallowed it like a bitter pill. He was ready for the stares he knew he'd get from AJ and Howie while they waited. That finely perfected focus was interrupted by swift movement and a pair of blue eyes, a tender smile pulling at his heart.
Brian was certain there would be some kind of hesitation, some thought process that would prevent that hand from lifting and kindly cupping his cheek. He chewed on his lower lip, waiting for it to retract and leave him. That large hand, with its caring fingers, remained and something felt so tangible in those clear blue eyes. Those eyes were blocking him from viewing Howie and AJ, even Nick. They were almost possessive, trying to will Brian's mind away from his fears and self doubt.
"We've really gotta work on this whole informing our friends about you and I thing we've got going," Justin remarked, his voice soft but still encased in that confidence that wrapped so tightly around his words Brian wondered if there were really moments when it didn't exist.
Brian watched Justin release a small laugh when he nodded, never glancing away to any of his friends. He offered a diminutive smile that caused Justin's smile to grow larger. He placed his own hand on Justin's hip, a sharp action that fought against the reserve inside of himself. He relaxed his jaw, the tenseness fading under Justin's fingers. Those fingertips burned against his skin in that polite way that always eased him to sleep at night.
"I think I better go," Justin advised, letting his smile fade away gradually. He brushed a thumb over Brian's lips when he saw the doubt rise in his expression. He was brisk to add, "I won't be far. I think there's an open room just down the hall if you need me."
Brian responded with a smaller nod this time, eyes dropping a little. He wanted to think of a work that spoke more volume than `need.' One that truly explained what he felt in his heart. He found the courage to lean into Justin's palm when it began to recede, smiling when a knowing grin passed over Justin's lips. He gave Justin's hip the smallest squeeze, sighing when a giggle from Justin followed.
Justin leaned in close enough so that his nose brushed the tip of Brian's. He licked his lips, his tongue almost extending and grazing over Brian's. He heard petite gasps, an echoed grumble but refused to pull away. He gazed into Brian's eyes and found the strength not to get lost in them. "You might not believe it, but we've been through worse B. But I had you then and I still got you now."
"We've had this discussion about you always saving me before, huh?" Brian pondered, his voice equally soft but still far from being devoid of that warmth, that southern accent he bore naturally.
"It's mutual remember?" Justin insisted, purposely nuzzling their noses. He took in Brian's breath, could taste it as clear as he tasted Brian's kisses midday. It was some kind of lasting mixture of coffee, cola, and spearmint gum. It made Justin's nose twitch and his water desire a lengthy kiss.
"Excuse me," AJ hissed, his voice carrying over that pounding in Brian's head.
"Think maybe they want to speak with their precious St. Brian," Justin whispered, a laugh rattling in his chest.
"Smart ass," Brian snickered, shaking his head. He lowered his hand from Justin's lip but reveled in Justin's refusal to separate their closeness.
"Cute ass," Justin retorted and he was quick to steal a brief kiss before Brian could rebuff him. It wasn't the lengthy one he craved, not even one that allowed him to linger against that bottom lip with his tongue and teeth. It was one that Justin could barely taste but enough to satiate him and calm that unhinging nervousness in Brian's eyes. He puckered his lips at Brian and winked, drawing back. He cleared his throat when he turned on his heels, peering eyes from AJ, disapproving eyes from Nick, and uncertain ones from Howie leaving him to shrug.
"Good seeing you McClean," Justin charmed, nodding toward AJ as he scooted toward the door. He briskly rolled his eyes at Nick before glancing at the shorter Howie, smiling. "You too Howie."
Justin let their silence guide him out of the room. Desire pushed at his heart, tried to force him to turn to Brian and ensure he was safe. He didn't. He had to grasp trust, strangle it. He had to know Brian could handle a situation without him. A situation that concerned him mildly, but concerned the trust within his own friendships more. He absentmindedly lifted his bag from the floor in the hall and hoisted the leather strap over his head before letting it rest against his chest. He nibbled his lower lip and said a silent prayer that trust was all Brian needed to survive a conversation with his friends without losing that well-fought for faith in their relationship.
If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong I know better cause you said forever And ever Who knew?
Give it a proper definition, a perfect collection of words to mingle with and tension could come to life. It clung to the walls, inhabited the corners, drifted through the air without the guidance or dictation. It led Brian to squeeze the bridge of his nose, his brow wrinkled, and his eyes closed. He scratched the back of his blonde head, eyes blinking open only when the sound of Nick clearing his throat led him to. He sniffled and rubbed the end of his nose, eyes drifting across the room but never staying focused on one thing too long. He eyed AJ leaning forward in the chair he occupied earlier. Nick was in a corner of the couch, munching on a burger with a concerned glare in his eyes. Howie was next to him, leaning on the production board with wide eyes and a raised brow.
"Food's getting cold," Nick noted, slurping his drink through a straw while motioning his head toward the other plastic bags near him on the couch. Brian shook his head at him, exhaling a heavy breath.
"What is he?" AJ questioned, his voice tense.
Brian arched an eyebrow, refused to let his eyes linger on AJ because those large brown eyes were too condemning and he didn't want to be swayed by their threatening focus. "He's an ass."
"Brian Littrell, don't play fucking games with me. I'm talking about Justin, not Nick," AJ hissed, his hands balling into fists. "What is he to you?"
Brian rubbed his shoulder, eyes glancing to a corner rather than AJ. He wondered if he clicked his heels together three times, maybe he could escape to his house in LA, fall onto his bed, and wait for Justin to creep into the room and hold him. He turned his head, caught Nick's mouth beginning to open for something other than a bite of his burger. He held up a finger briskly, a silent warning that he prayed settled Nick. He peered his eyes and watched the way Nick curled into the couch, pouting.
"He's important," Brian finally said, turning his eyes on AJ.
"Try boyfriend," Nick mumbled and he was quick to shove another portion of his burger into his mouth when Brian snapped his head in Nick's direction.
"What the fuck?" AJ asked, rotating his chair to look at Nick. "You can't have one of those if you're married and not gay."
"I don't think labels are necessary here AJ," Howie insisted.
"Oh please Howard. If you're fucking another man and legal documentation says you still have a wife, what the hell does that mean?" AJ inquired, his voice high and tight.
"She fucked somebody else," Brian grumbled, gripping the ends of the engineering board until his knuckles went white.
"And so you're going to fuck your career?" AJ proposed, crossing his arms while leaning back in the chair.
"Can we keep some calmness about this? If you're just going to accuse without questioning, you're not going to get anywhere with Brian and you know that AJ," Howie asserted. He lifted a hand and rested it on Brian's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze in a small attempt at encouragement.
Brian did his best to smile in Howie's direction. Anger was still curdling in his lungs, disdain toward Nick was rising each time his once soft blue eyes laid on his best friend. He found it hard not to chew his thumbnail, never sure where to glance or what words to utter.
"How long has this been going on?" Howie pondered, searching Brian's face as his friend glanced at the floor.
"Months," Brian whispered, sweaty palms rubbing together as he lifted his eyes to look at Howie. He read the curiosity without attempting to. He listened to a scoff from the side, debating on whether it was Nick or AJ. "Since the night after Leigh Anne cheated on me."
"The shit head manipulated you when you were vulnerable," AJ declared, leaning forward in his chair again. He narrowed his eyes at Brian when Brian shook his head.
"That's what I said," Nick boasted, swallowing another gulp of his drink. He tipped his cup toward Brian but received no acknowledgment from the older man.
"There was no manipulation and he's far from a shit head," Brian decreed, his face softening as he looked at AJ. He was trying not to plea for his friend to understand, to comprehend the depths of Justin's significance. AJ was never trusting. It was in his nature, in his invisible wounds that led him to trust few and judge many.
"If it wasn't manipulation, why hide it?" Nick questioned, stretching his legs out. He tucked his chin and arched an eyebrow at Brian, challenged him with strong currents of hesitation weighing down his expression.
"Why did you hide it? You've probably known for awhile now being that you're his closest friend and yet you said nothing to any of us," Howie argued, drawing Nick's bewildered attention.
"D, you know you would do the same if your best friend didn't know what the hell he was doing, especially when it came to declaring whether or not he has a `boyfriend' as Nick calls it," AJ declared, his tone ringing with unrestrained spite.
"It's delicate," Brian noted, interrupting the staring contest that was ruling a silent conversation between Nick and Howie.
"But not delicate enough for you to be kissing him in broad fucking daylight at the studio where anyone could've walked in and seen," AJ stated, pushing up from his chair. He pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, shaking his head at Brian as the older man leaned further back on the mixing board with lidded eyes looking back at him.
"In a less complex, more meaningful way, I think AJ is trying to say we want you to think about your career and what doing something like this could mean," Howie pronounced, his voice wavering on its kindness. He sighed when Brian's shoulder slipped from under his hand.
"I think I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and what my actions will result in with regards to my `career,'" Brian affirmed, standing erect. He shrugged when AJ shook his head again before adding, "but realistically guys, we're not the Beatles. This thing we have here won't last forever and might not last past this next album. I can't put aside the feelings I have out of fear of that."
"That's not far," Nick whined.
"And what about the little guy? What the hell is Baylee going to do with this situation?" AJ asked, tapping on his carton of cigarettes before plucking one out.
"Baylee is fine with `this situation.' He loves Justin; Nick is a witness to that," Brian insisted, looking to Nick for some form of support. He shook his head when Nick looked away, defeated in his own right. "My son doesn't have anything to worry about regardless of whom I choose to be with. But with all due respect to Justin, he puts so much into Baylee that my son can't help but want to have Justin around. Our relationship transcends all of the typical celebrity crap and feels more permanent than anything I've had outside of this group."
"He is kind of fond of Justin," Nick muttered, still not looking at Brian. He could feel his friend smiling at him. "But then again, he's fond of playing in the dirt and watching Dragon Tales. Reality will eventually sink in."
"So then we're supposed to okay Brian having a boyfriend?" AJ asked.
"Are we not supposed to? Should we object without grounds?" Howie proposed back.
"Grounds? He had Leigh Anne. We were at his wedding. We welcomed the birth of his son and now you want me to welcome the birth of his homosexuality?" AJ chastised, glaring at Howie.
"I don't think he quite admitted to that part," Nick objected briskly.
"Brian made a good point about happiness though. We haven't been around he and Justin, but things do point toward a happier, less pain ridden Brian considering his marriage to the mother of his child just fell apart unexpectedly," Howie said, adjusting his ponytail. "I'd say that would be something resembling positive without the fear of someone preying upon his vulnerability."
Brian sighed hard, turning his back to glance into the studio. He'd prefer be behind that glass, swallowed in music and lyrics while letting his concentration float on finding the right note rather than finding the right tone to explain his life to the men he's known longer than he's known what direction he truly wanted to walk in life. He tapped his fingers along the engineering board, watching once blinking lights sit dimly. He laughed to himself. It was that rising feeling inside of him. What sparkled so brightly between them just sat behind a dim fixture that didn't know when to blink and when to remain dead.
"It's still Justin Timberlake. The man dates, he finds someone, hibernates with them for a few years, and then he moves the fuck on," AJ stated. He rolled the cigarette between his index and thumb, waiting for Brian to turn around. It didn't happen. "What do you do when he moves on?"
Nick drew his fingers through his hair, leaned forward until he rested just on the edge of the couch. He watched Brian contemplate, chew on the corner of his bottom lip. He scrunched his own nose, toying with the straw in his cup. He had wanted to ask the question himself, propose the thought to Brian. They had battled back and forth, teetered on particular situations in Brian's relationship with Justin. Everything felt so strained when it came to discussing Justin. It drew away from their friendship, but parts of Nick didn't want to think it was jealousy. It was realism. It was Nick trying to keep Brian safe.
"What did you do? When Amanda broke up with you, when Sarah left you, what did you do? When you were strung out on drugs, unable to exist without a glass of alcohol, what thoughts ran through your mind?" Brian inquired, doing his best not to peer at AJ. He wasn't trying to anger his friend. He didn't want to anger himself but that prickling sensation at the back of his neck, that expanse in his chest that was oxygen picked at his brain. "Or did you think? Did you just let it happen?"
"We've been down this road before when it came to me and my past," AJ grumbled, slipping the cigarette between his lips. He toyed with the flame on his lighter.
"That's right, we have. We let you be the grown up, but not before we had to intervene," Brian said, wagging a finger at AJ. "So if we've been down this road, maybe we should opt to skip the middle man, force the bullshit out of it, and let me be the grown up."
"We don't want to see you hurt," Nick pleaded.
"I appreciate the doubt that you're trying to disguise as concern," Brian declared while looking at Nick. "But do you want to see me happy?"
"That's a tad bit unfair," AJ rebuffed.
Brian chuckled lowly, rolling his eyes. "Oh, but you getting the opportunity to judge my situation with Justin without all the facts seems rather just."
"You hid it from us," AJ barked, yanking the cigarette that dangled from his lips.
"I'm not the first to have skeletons in my closet," Brian argued back, doing his best not to raise his voice but failing.
"And you would think that those would be lessons learned so that maybe you wouldn't have to deal with their repercussions," AJ murmured, folding his arms once more while leaning against the wall adjacent to the couch Nick occupied.
"I saw you happy with Leigh Anne, but I'm sure you'd be the first to say that didn't end too well," Nick spoke up, tilting his head as he looked at Brian. "Then again, it's a different situation with Justin."
"He's a different person," Brian muttered, grasping onto the back of the chair. He squeezed it, hoping to relieve some of the overrunning tension that was crackling against his skin.
"A different gender too," AJ boasted, rolling his cigarette between his fingers once more.
Howie took a step forward, raised his hands in some sign of peace. He sighed when he caught Brian's eyes drifting, turning to AJ with importunate eyes that hid his own opposition. He peered at Nick, daring him to speak with lidded eyes. "I'm not sure what this is really about AJ. I could understand if you are upset with Brian because of his choice to withhold something from us, but if this is more about his personal choice to be with a man than I don't see the fairness in that. Whether that choice could or couldn't have an affect on his or our career is a proper subject to address but only with an unbiased view."
"So you're saying," AJ inquired, waving a hand around dramatically. He rolled his eyes when he spotted Brian glaring at him.
Howie pursed his lips before replying, "I'm saying let the man have a damn boyfriend. If it isn't hurting him, it doesn't cause conflict with my nephew Baylee, he can still come in with a clear head and record music with us, and he's managing to handle what it entails to date someone as big as Justin, let him do it."
"Hmm, interesting," Nick mumbled, folding his arms.
AJ shrugged, slipping the cigarette between his lips again. He scanned over Brian, watched the way a small smile began to bubble against his pink lips. It only left AJ to sigh, close his eyes and play through each word that was thrown at him. He couldn't debate much more. Not because he didn't have an argument left in him. If only because he had spent years with Brian, countless situations where Brian played the safety net rather than the martyr. Brian rarely spoke passionately about issues. He was the comedic equivalent of Howie. Yet, Brian was passionate about AJ seeking help when he was an alcoholic and a drug user. He was adamant about keeping the Backstreet Boys as a cohesive unit, with or without Kevin. He was outspoken about getting married and now he was ardent about being with Justin.
"Yeah, if it makes you happy," AJ said, his tone blasé. He ignored the shocked stare he received from Nick. He leaned off the wall and moved toward the engineering board, fiddling with a few buttons before whispering, "Nick, studio."
Remember when we were such fools And so convinced and just too cool I wish I could touch you again I wish I could still call you friend I'd give anything
The softest snicker, an abbreviated snort drew up the corners of his lips. It was enough encouragement for him to stop lingering outside of the door of an empty production booth and peek his head in, eyes immediately scanning the room until he found Justin lounging on a plush leather couch with a portable DVD player in his lap. He was barely finished clearing his throat when Justin's eyes darted up to him, a shy hand running over the back of his head as he smiled at Justin. He read through the curiosity in those blue eyes and waited with held breath until a ginger grin blossomed over Justin's lips.
"What are you watching?" Brian questioned, his voice thin and soft. He eased completely into the room, his body sliding against the leather until his thigh pressed against Justin's. He leaned in Justin's direction, rolling his eyes at Justin's raised brow. He let his upper body fall into Justin's lap, wishing he could squeeze the rest of himself into Justin's lap and snuggle to him while trying to view the pictures scrambling across the small screen.
"Just a little `Weekend At Bernie's' B," Justin replied, tilting his head to watch the way Brian almost laid across his lap with a grin he knew he couldn't remove and wouldn't try. He diverted his eyes from the screen to watch Brian turn his head and smile up at him. Justin didn't hesitate in smiling back, his eyes still rimmed with curiosity.
"Mm, some like it hot," Brian sung out, grinning at Justin. He could fight the shiver of happiness that scoured his body when one of Justin's hands brushed back his bangs and toyed with his hair.
"Some like it cold," Justin recited back, shaking his head at Brian with a snicker. He was quick to lean down and press a kiss to Brian's forehead, his thumb trying to press away the wrinkles across Brian's brow. He drew back, letting Brian's head slip away as he turned to the DVD player resting on Justin's knees.
"What part are we at?" Brian asked, sighing. He felt Justin's hand easing between his shoulder blades and every inch of him wanted to lean into that touch. He let Justin press into the muscles of his back, trying to remain still.
"I'm at the part where Larry and Richard take Bernie out on the jet ski's," Justin responded with a raised eyebrow. He let his hand ease back up Brian's back, dancing over the collar of his shirt before threading through the hair on the back of Brian's head. He did his best to settle into a more comfortable position before adding, "shouldn't you be recording a song babe?"
"I'm slightly offended that quite possibly my extremely attractive, often outspoken boyfriend doesn't want me to join him in watching one of the funniest movies of all time," Brian scoffed, feigning disappointment as he turned in Justin's lap. He pressed out a pout as he looked up at Justin, his head rested on one of Justin's thighs. He threw his legs up onto the couch and did his best to stretch in the confined area.
"Are you finished asshole?" Justin inquired with a laugh, flicking the end of Brian's nose. He smirked when Brian echoed him in the laughter, tilting his head just slightly to admire Brian's face. "You don't have to go anywhere."
"Thanks because Nick is in the recording booth and I truly didn't feel like being around the guys at this very moment," Brian gushed, arching his back and craning his neck. He settled again when Justin's fingers laced themselves through his blonde hair. He exhaled a heavy, pleasured breath when Justin's fingertips rubbed into his scalp.
"So then is it too soon for me to ask how it went?" Justin wondered, his voice soft like his fingers against Brian's scalp.
"Depends," Brian hummed, eyes briefly shutting when Justin's fingers made a slow skid toward the crown of his head. "Is making jokes about your ex-girlfriend's fondness for your sense of style in the hair department a little too soon?"
"Fucker," Justin snorted, tugging at a few strands of Brian's hair before whispering, "but point well taken."
Brian let Justin dust his fingers over the side of his face, a graceful movement leading them to his cheek before finding his chin. He let his eyes blink shut once more, unconsciously letting all of the nerves, the anger, the anguish from earlier collapse from his system. He twitched his nose and rested his own hands on his chest.
"I guess a big part of me already knew they wouldn't be like your friends were. I felt, from the beginning, it wouldn't be as smooth of a process," Brian stated, his voice struggling with the words as they formed.
"I thought we weren't talking about it?" Justin asked, his thumb tracing Brian's jawline.
Brian batted his eyes open, squinting his eyes at Brian with a twisted mouth. "Are you going to listen?"
"Continue."
"Y'all have been broke up a long time. The unity shouldn't automatically be there anymore. Yet I already knew the way your friends reacted to the idea of you being with me, being with a man, would trump anything concerning my friends," Brian pronounced, tilting his head further back to stare up at the ceiling. He could still spot portions of Justin's face in his peripheral, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. "And not just the whole open-mindedness of the situation. They just adjusted better to the thought of you being with anyone other than Britney or Cameron. They were okay with it being little ol' Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys with no real acclaim behind it."
"They objected to you being from the Backstreet Boys," Justin noted and quickly wanted to retract it when he saw the frown creep across Brian's lips. "But the situations and the dynamics are so different B. We already had Lance. And we might not be an official group but, for us, this thing runs deeper than the music. It's truly a family."
Brian thought over Justin's words. He let each sentence repeat in his head, dissecting their meaning before combining their purpose. He felt Justin's thumb brush over his bottom lip before slipping back to his goatee. He let his own hand skid up and wrap around Justin's wrist. He held it gently while his thumb played along the back of Justin's hand. He needed the warmth. The thoughts surfacing in his mind were eschewed by his emotions.
"We... were a family," Brian sighed out, allowing Justin to rotate his wrist until his hand was palm up. Brian's hand sought refuge in Justin's.
"You probably still are a family B," Justin noted, craning his body forward until he could brush his nose to Brian's for comfort. He regressed, watching the sheen on Brian's eyes, the way his lips parted only for a dying smile. It left his own lips dressed in a frown. "Although you might be one of those families that only gets together for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and graduations due to requirement. But that's still a family."
"Those were words of encouragement?" Brian asked and he couldn't help the laugh that followed. He eyed Justin as blush crept into and speckled across Justin's cheeks.
"Well, by law, I believe that because you're dating me it kind of adopts you into my `family,'" Justin offered, shyly smiling while interlocking his fingers with Brian's. He laughed at the way Brian shook his head, chewing his bottom lip to prevent himself from leaning down and kissing Brian's laughter away.
"Joey already took me in darlin'. He says you get the house and the car, but I get Baylee and the friendship should we ever break up," Brian teased, jumping a little when Justin's other hand pinched his nipple through his shirt.
Justin smiled, but his mind had already begun to drift. The concept was a foreign but real one, one that he hadn't never mulled over before. Breaking up. A break up. A Justin Timberlake, but no Brian Littrell. The relationship was still new, too realistically good for Justin to have ever thought of it before. He didn't consider it when he gave Brian his makeshift `yes' before when Brian presented the question: Will you be my boyfriend? For every yes, there had to be a no. No more Brian and Justin. Regardless of how it went, who started a fight, or who made the decision, there wasn't a promise of longevity. There was no guarantee. None other than the way Brian smiled at him or softly whispered his name the way only a lover would. But Brian could wake up on any given morning and decide being with a man, this man, wasn't worth it all. It was an unsure, tread of ice that Justin was allowing himself to walk on without considering anything other than the fear of getting caught or not being accepted.
"You're thinking too hard handsome."
Justin snapped from thoughts that mashed the names Britney, Cameron, and Leigh Anne together, let his eyes drift back down to Brian. Those mirroring blue eyes, ones that finally started to show signs of that softness that enveloped Justin on his best nights and left him stained, saddened when he was saying goodbye to them. There was a nose Justin had nuzzled so often, a cryptic smile that was stroked against pink lips that were dusted with hairs from a faint blonde mustache. Unpredictable futures and repeated history didn't draw him away when lips puckered. He only snickered and pressed a brisk kiss to those pink lips.
"At least that means you have a boyfriend with a brain," Justin whispered as he pulled back, letting Brian roll to his side. He adjusted to the feel of Brian's shoulder pressing into the side of his thigh, spreading his legs a little more with Brian's ear pressed to his crotch.
"And a heart," Brian swooned, gripping Justin's hand a little tighter. "Now if only he had courage to go along with those pretty red slippers."
Justin couldn't catch his laugh. It hit him unexpectedly when he heard Brian's teasing. He continued to comb his fingers through Brian's hair, watching the way Brian began to close his eyes again and he was certain if they remained like that long enough Brian would be sleep in his lap rather than finish doing whatever recording he was obligated to. He unlocked his fingers from Brian's and let his hand grasp the portable DVD player, lifting it and resting it to the side of Brian. He wasn't opposed to the idea of Brian remaining so close.
The buzz of Justin's phone against his thigh made Justin sigh. He could easily push Brian's head aside, reach down into his pocket and snatch the phone out. The idea sat pleasantly against his brain as the vibrating refused to sojourn. He rubbed his brow as Brian lifted his head in the slightest, glancing up at Justin with lidded eyes.
"It's been going all day. Tim has been sending me messages with beats attached to a few songs for some artists. Plus Annie's been blowing me up about tour arrangements, Trace has been hoping I could get him some extra passes on a few stops, and my mom has been constantly calling because she wants to help me pack," Justin noted, exhaling happily when the vibrating ceased. He felt Brian slip a hand under his shirt and rub at his abdomen, his fingers moving in comforting circles. "She says `hi' by the way."
Brian nodded, feeling Justin flinch when the vibrating began again. He scratched the back of his head while Justin tipped his head back in frustration. He sucked in his lower lip before whispering, "just let it go Ju. Sometimes you've gotta put life on pause to take care of Justin."
Justin snorted, glancing down again at Brian. "Can I rewind a few moments with you?"
"I do believe that can be arranged Mr. Timberlake," Brian snickered, his heavy purposely heavy. He lifted his body some as Justin began to rearrange them, laughing shallowly when Justin stretched out onto the couch with him. He found it difficult to fit both of their bodies on the couch but not impossible. He snuggled closely, his head resting in the crook of Justin's arm. He moaned pleasantly, squeezing at Justin's side as Justin resumed stringing his fingers through Brian's hair.
"You are an asshole," Justin exhaled out, kissing the top of Brian's head.
"Property of Justin R. Timberlake, thank you very much," Brian grinned, eyes shutting as he took in the peacefulness of being so close.
When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone I guess I just didn't know how, I was all wrong But they knew better, still you said forever And ever Who knew?
Brian yawned softly, stretching and rolling until all of his muscles regained that dexterity needed to walk through the halls of the studio. He scratched the back of his head, eyes batting repeatedly as he tried to adjust of the fluorescent lights above. Somewhere, beneath his breath, he was cursing Justin for waking him. He was certain he had been asleep far too long but he had just reached that point where he was comfortable and every second further lifted him closer to a dream about rainbows, unicorns, and four-leaf clovers. But that soft smile that welcomed him made it less discouraging. He was glad Justin agreed to remain at the studio a bit longer, promising to be around when Brian finished recording.
"Aren't you looking refreshed?"
Brian felt his shoulders drop unconsciously. He combed his fingers through his hair and kicked at the carpet, something inside of him not wanting to lift his eyes and direct them to the vicinity he was certain Nick was occupying. He could easily shift by Nick, escape back into the studio and listen to a playback of what had been recorded or even deal with AJ hollering at him for being away too long. But not Nick. That required delving into far too many issues and Brian didn't think, at the moment, he had the brain capacity.
"Fortunately I wasn't on my A-game today and we had to spend some extra time working on my vocals," Nick boasted, grinning in Brian's direction before chiming, "but AJ's still mad that you weren't around."
"It'd be fortunate if you ever had an `A-game' Nick," Brian hummed, finally lifting his eyes to look upon his friend. Somewhere inside he wanted to smack that smug grin from his best friend's lips.
"Well, it's good that Mr. Timberlake hasn't killed your sense of humor. Wish I could say the same for your work ethic," Nick said with a gleam, walking toward Brian with a cigarette behind his ear and a bottle of water in hand.
"I'm quite certain the definition of jackass includes the words Nick' and Carter' in there somewhere," Brian replied snidely, leaning against one of the walls while Nick stood in front of him. He was certain his lack of enthusiasm showed.
"And here I thought you didn't dare utter words that weren't listed somewhere in the Bible," Nick laughed out, lightly punching Brian in the shoulder.
"What is wrong with you?" Brian questioned, the tenseness that once occupied his voice returning hastily.
"Meaning?" Nick questioned, ducking his head a little when Brian shot him a tense stare.
"Meaning you're need to be quite the asshole about this situation. Meaning your fondness for treating Justin as if he's meaningless and doesn't exist when in fact he mean's a lot to me. Why are you harping so much on this one situation?" Brian asked, pulling away from Nick.
"Dude, quit giving the kid so much credit. I'm not `harping' over this at all," Nick responded smugly.
"Bullshit," Brian hissed, his scowl prominent. He folded his arms against his chest, tapping his foot impatiently to prevent himself from walking away from Nick. They had too many years, too many memories of a friendship that had withstood worse.
"Whatever, he's Justin. You're dating a guy. One big happy family with Baylee and shit. But when he hurts you, I don't want to be sitting on the sidelines waiting to pick you up," Nick grumbled, eyes shifting toward the floor.
"So you don't trust him? From day one you wouldn't even give him the benefit of the doubt," Brian argued, blue eyes squinting with lips barely moving to release the words.
"And why should I? Through the years, what the hell has Justin Timberlake done for any of us to give him any kind of a benefit of a doubt?" Nick inquired, throwing his hands up recklessly. He watched Brian's stance grow tenser. "Damn, what is your hang up over him?"
"My hang up? You want to know what my hang up is?" Brian asked, his voice strained with tension. He didn't wait for Nick to nod, to show him any form of acknowledgment. "My hang up is that for once Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys went through something. I had to deal with a pretty devastating situation in my life. I'm beyond grateful to that young man for being there for me and showing me a side of life that neither of us expected to find. I'm hung up over the fact that he is probably one of the most genuine, sincere men I've ever met. He's there without pretense. My hang up, Nick, is that I love him. Not falling, not considering. I am in love with Justin."
Nick's eyes widened and thoughts were too scattered for him to respond. Brian was his best friend. He sensed something in the way they spoke, the way they didn't carry on like they used to. He saw in Brian's facial expression whenever he did speak of Justin. He questioned it when he first saw them together, wondered where feelings were headed. He didn't expect it, thought of it, but didn't truly consider it. He didn't know whether to prepare or not, but he was certain that Brian wasn't lying. His best friend was in love with Justin.
"You love him," Nick concurred with a nod and a shallow voice.
"Yes and it's a shame that the first person I tell that to isn't my boyfriend, but the guy who hates him considerably," Brian sighed out, rubbing fingers over his creased forehead. "So you need to keep it to yourself and deal with it."
"But..."
"No. No `but' this time Nick. Be a best friend and live with this. Don't go running your mouth or trying to cause havoc," Brian insisted, a hand raised each time he felt Nick was fighting with words to speak. He lowered his hand while shaking his head, dragging his other hand through his blonde hair. He did his best to focus, to calm emotions. They were frolicking through his mind with a speed that was too consuming to slow. His frustration dared to bring up tears, one that he fought against and managed to hold in. He watched Nick lean against the wall silently and that was enough for him. No arguing, no debate. Nick understood.
I'll keep you locked in my head Until we meet again And I won't forget you, my friend What happened?
Hours passed with more silence than music consuming them. He was the only one left in the production booth, AJ, Howie, and Nick long removed. Howie made promises to call him, to try and arrange a dinner so that he could formally speak with Justin. There were only silent farewells between he and AJ, conversations still waiting with moments too soon for him to acknowledge. Nick tried to coerce him into following him, going with him to talk more and find a common ground. He refused. He did his best to remain cordial and unaffected by his best friend's indifference, only smiling and waving as Nick again pleaded with him.
He toyed with his cell phone, a sole name highlighted on his list of contacts. He couldn't help the sigh that crossed his lips as he contemplated actually dialing the number. He let his head tip back and forth, blue eyes reading the name like it was foreign. He had found his strength many times, but it kept fading against the wind when this thumb slid over the `send' button. He didn't realize swallowing the lump in the back of his throat had become so difficult, its thickness leaving him to tap his fingers along the production board. He let his tongue slide over his lower lip as he read the name one more time: Kevin.
"So is this how you spend your free time? Honestly B, doesn't seem all that much fun when you could be chillin' with your boyfriend," Justin said, slinking arms around Brian's neck as he leaned over the smaller man. He laughed lowly, nuzzling a stubbly cheek to Brian's smoother one. "I mean, if that was even in your list of options."
"Trust me baby," Brian whispered, head lowering as he continued to toy with the cell phone. "It's always number one."
"I'm so honored," Justin teased, pressing a gently kiss to the lobe of Brian's ear. He felt the tenseness beneath his arms, quirking an eyebrow as he tried to read Brian's actions.
"Stop trying to figure it out," Brian said with a small giggle, leaning his head back until it rested on Justin's shoulder.
"Stop being all secretive," Justin retorted, tracing fingers along the collar of Brian's shirt. He nudged Brian's head with his own, waiting until he could see the corners of bright blue eyes. He contained his own pleasant sigh.
"Stop being so damn..." Brian halted himself. He let the word tiptoe across his lips, holding it as Justin raised his brow with curiosity. He shook his head, faking a laugh as he glanced back to his phone again.
"Thinking about calling your cousin?" Justin wondered, easing off of Brian. He grabbed the back of the chair and spun it until Brian was facing him, grinning widely as Brian lifted his own brow with surprise. Justin merely winked, crouching down until he could rest his arms on Brian's thighs.
Brian nodded, fear preventing him from following through and added more descriptive words to his silent response. He let his free hand travel the corners of Justin's face, a gentle, unexpected smile rolling over his own lips.
"You going to tell him, aren't you?" Justin questioned, twisting his lips to the side. He mimicked Brian's nod, thumbs tracing up the seams of Brian's pants.
"I need to," Brian whispered, swallowing back his own smile when an endearing one ghosted over Justin's lips. He traced his thumb along the shell of Justin's ear, leaning forward with unexpected intent. He cautiously pressed a kiss to Justin's lips, drawing back to watch Justin's eyes remain shut while savoring the touch. He laughed softly, leaning in again for another kiss, his tongue slipping over the crest of Justin's lips.
"Don't have to do anything you don't want to do," Justin mumbled as Brian drew back, eyes blinking open to watch crinkling blue eyes look at him with wonder.
"I know," Brian concurred, his thumb tracing over Justin's bottom lip. He tilted his head to admire Justin for seconds, fear rinsing away as his thoughts swerved into a new path. "But I've always thought it best to tell my cousin about someone I'm in love with. It's just out of respect."
"Yeah, but," Justin caught himself, retracing each of Brian's words with wide eyes. He replayed them repeatedly, focusing on one sole portion of the statement. Four words continued to trickle through his brain, one of his hands shaking as they echoed like a heavy drum against four empty walls. He swallowed hard, mouthing the words as Brian looked on.
"Yeah," Brian said softly, barely able to find any form of response as pride overran him. He laughed inaudibly as Justin reached up, nearly crawling into his lap with adoring eyes and a trembling bottom lip. He never thought of Justin as weak, often sentimental, but not to the point it was emotional. In that moment, he saw the softest side of Justin. He glanced to his phone once more, finally pressing the `send' button.
"You're in... like, really, in..."
Brian mouthed the final word, snickering as he held his phone to his ear, He listened to the rings, laced his fingers with Justin's as the younger man continued to babble. He wanted to listen to each word, pretend they were new and foreign so that the moment would feel as velvety as the look upon Justin's face.
"Kev? Hey, how are you? Yeah, Baylee's wonderful. You're going to see him soon? Hmm, must've been chit-chatting with my mom again," Brian gushed, eyes occasionally glancing toward his boyfriend. He puckered a kiss for Justin, trying to swallow a laugh as Justin tilted his head in adoration. "Hey, I was calling you because I wanted to tell you something kind of important. What? No, it's not Backstreet-related. Actually, it's about me. I'm in love with somebody."
Brian didn't try to restrain his smile. He let Justin thread fingers through his blonde hair and continue to stare at him as he conversed with his cousin. There was an uncanny mirrored pride in both of their eyes and he didn't need to hear it from Justin. Not yet. He just needed to know he could say the words. He needed to remember that silence from some of his friends didn't mean the end of the world he knew barely enough to call it his. He laughed playfully as his cousin spoke into his ear while Justin played imaginary notes across his chest. He didn't want to escape this moment. Not for the friends he knew, that he knew or didn't know anymore.
If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong And that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again And time makes it harder, I wish I could remember But I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep My darling, who knew?
-- "Who Knew," by P!nk
// Special Note: Thank you to all of the readers that wrote me asking for me to write some more of this series. Unfortunately, for the time being, this will have to be a bookmark in the series as I am focused on other materials and endeavors. I have fully enjoyed writing this series and returning to my roots with Brian and Justin. Hopefully, one day soon, I'll want to continue this and further explore the dynamics of the relationship I have built. But for now, this is a small intermission and a Xmas gift to everyone who wrote me. Special thanks to - Tiffany, Dee, Christian, John, and every single person not mentioned that e-mailed and encouraged me to finish! //
** All comments, concerns, complaints, con.. Oh whatever, please send it all over to: catsfan1@hotmail.com **