This Ain't Us Written by JM
-- Disclaimer: Uh, simple. Not 18, not interested in a relationship between two males, not open-minded, not a fan of the pop genre, not sure what fiction is, not a interested in anything written by JM, DO NOT READ! --
** This is a small piece of the Brian and Justin saga. It's not another series, just a songfic. This is number three of eight. It is in no way a start to another series, so please do not think of it that way. Understood?
Misundaztood? All the same now a days. **
The water felt good. Felt like silky sex dripping from his skin, falling back into an ocean of blue ecstasy. His eyes stung a little and he forced his hand away from rubbing them because he didn't want them all red and veiny like those guys he saw at the hotel pool the other night. He always wants to be natural. Natural hair color, natural skin tone, natural eye color, and natural body movements during sex. It's all he can be at times. Just himself. Sacred or passive or angry. Most of the time angry. But that's who he was. A natural version of himself, the man he liked to be.
When he was younger, he wasn't very natural. He didn't do what he wanted. He was programmed. Told what to do, what to wear, when to smile and how big to smile. Fuck, he wondered if maybe the girls of Innosense were still like that at times. Probably not, but they weren't a concern of his. His concern was him and when he got older, when he met him, gave his body to him, he started to become natural. He didn't deny that part of him that liked to cuddle after sex. He liked to sleep under his lover's arms, kept safe by body heat and light breathing.
There were only two other men that came as close as this man. One never really wanted to kiss or touch or do the things he liked back then. He wasn't a dirty boy. He was a good, church-going guy that fell for some cocky teenager with a good smile, nice lips and eyes that rivaled his. He definitely hated that. It made him self-conscious for awhile. Why wasn't he capable of getting that boy? Didn't he feature the same qualities? The blonde hair was always straight, not curly. The red lips were thin and not pouty. Blue eyes that were like crystal instead of indigo. He had big hands and though he never saw, he was sure his dick was about the same size, probably had the same unruly blonde curls down there.
The other guy? He was a treasure best left buried in his mind and not his heart. They were friends with benefits who liked to call each other "boyfriend." Time told them they weren't meant to withstand a relationship but they were young and dumb. They wanted things they couldn't have, so they had each other. But the sex was good and the conversations surpassed the sex to a new degree. He liked that guy a lot, but didn't really know anything about love with that man. Anything outside of a friendly love was unheard of. They kissed, but they kissed like kids experimenting with tastes. His lips tasted good, but they weren't what he made memories with.
He pulled back his blonde hair, kept his uneven strands from falling to his face. He squinted docile blue eyes to look upon one man, his husband. He watched him lounge around in a chair, not saying anything. He was reading a book, a notebook that was probably full of song lyrics. Probably lyrics that were all about his old boyfriend and his once-friend, then lover. Where were the lyrics about him? In his diary? Hidden away so that no one knew that they shared a deep love, something that could challenge their friends' love.
He noticed that first. He noticed they didn't show it all that much to their friends. They stayed to themselves, when they could. If he wasn't on the road, his husband was. When they got a little three-day break, two days he sat by himself while his husband was at the studio. The last day was always like this. They were together but separate. They rarely went out or did things that a normal couple would do. Then again, he didn't know too many normal couples. Justin and Brian were some on some Romeo-Juliet-shit. Lance and Bryce were cute at times, but he didn't focus on them because there was too much baggage there. AJ and Amanda were the Bickering Duo while Chris and Meelah were. Well, they were average. They were normal. Married with one child. No true problems, nothing they haven't gotten past.
He caught onto the way his husband sat there, didn't say much. Occasionally complimenting him on his swimming stroke or the way he looked under water. He said something colorful and grand at one point then went right back to that damn notebook. And how long had he been in the water? Almost three hours? That's all he got?
I never thought there'd be a day
That I would have to question if you really
Want to continue together
How did it ever get this way?
When just a week ago, we were planning our lives
He had a second observation when he dunked his head under the water to rid himself of that cold feeling he was getting from staying in the air too long. He wiped the water from his face and rested an arm on the ledge. He wrinkled his brow and thought of how many phone calls they shared while they were on the road. He could count the surprise visits they gave each other on one hand. On the road, they were JC Chasez and Nick Carter. They weren't the guys in that picture that hung over their fireplace, in the den, well lit by some small candles they lit when they were being romantic. That wasn't much.
He dusted drops of water off his shoulder and sighed, laying his chin on his hand. He laid his other hand on the edge and peered at his golden ring from the corner of his eye. His husband liked to fiddle with the ring when they were lying sweaty, bodies covered in a strong scent of sex. He didn't mind. He liked to rub his toes over his husband's shin; brush the hair on his leg backward with his foot. He laughed at that. They did have those moments where they were sugary. Usually, it came after sex because they were strung out on some kind of drug. Nothing illegal, just natural ecstasy.
His husband's eyes dropped on him for a brief second, just watching. They didn't have that wild look of love. They were sweet enough when he pulled the book down and he smiled. "Tired yet?" JC asked, voice so smooth it felt like velvet against Nick's skin at night. He laughed a little and began to raise his notebook again. "Tired of you not wanting me," Nick is able to whisper without his husband hearing, sinking back into the water, surrounding him with blue, the color of his heart.
You spend a lot of time away from home
And all I can do is try to hold you longer
When we're together
You tell me that it's still the same
But looking in your eyes, I know something ain't right
He once thought all he needed in life was a man, his band mates, and good sex. Two out of three wasn't bad, but it wasn't real either. Not to say that being a Backstreet Boy wasn't a thrill for him, because it was. At times, when he rode on the bus, trying to let the sound of the road lull him to sleep, it was the most comforting thing he had. He depended on Howie, AJ, Kevin, and even Brian to help him be just Nick. Not Nick Carter who was once the face on every magazine across Germany and the US. Sometimes, when they all laughed and joked about each other, he was Nick Chasez to them. He was the new guy in town, the one that just got married, just got a touch of domestic life. That was a splendid feeling because he was part of the group of men, not the boys.
And on the road, they never talked about it. They never discussed their problems because that was a rule. The road meant business and business did not include personal affairs. When they were on the road they ignored the fact that Kevin stayed to himself. They gave no attention to AJ and Amanda's gradually fading marriage. They knew Howie stayed busy with charities and other organizations to keep his mind off of his family and Danay. No one spoke to Nick when he was in his moods. They knew it had to do with JC. It was common knowledge and when Nick started to cry sometimes, out of the blue, they let him do it.
It started because of Brian. He was the first to set the unspoken rule. He spent days on the road, quiet and in solitude. He cried a few times in front of them, but they were silent cries. They consisted of long, whispering tears and a few sniffles when he was done. He never asked to be held or talked to. He did his job and Nick admired him for that. But he hated Brian for never reaching out because that meant Nick had to do the same.
This ain't us
This isn't us
You've gotta tell me how I made the love disappear
From your heart and tore us apart
Baby, this ain't us
This isn't us
You broke my heart many times
Don't know who to trust
Again, Nick found himself staring at JC, unsure if it is water or tears coating his cheeks. It could've been easier for him to just swim, get out of the pool fuck his husband, and then take a nap. But that wasn't what he wanted anymore. He didn't want it to be simple and lifeless. Simple and lifeless is what he had with Lance. Simple and lifeless is what he dealt with from his family and from other celebrities. This was his husband. This was someone that Nick really wanted to spend his life with, not his hot nights with.
He pushed himself up and out of the water, sat on the edge of the pool and let his ankles linger in the clear water. He could afford a boyfriend if he wanted. He didn't need to be married or need someone like JC. He could fuck around with one of those young teen actors. He knew a few of them would suck his cock and never tell if he did the same. He loved cock, loved that white-hot heat pressed against his tongue. He didn't need to promise his life to any of man because he used to be Nick Carter and Nick Carter was someone to a lot of people.
A sigh rushed past his lips while he fiddled with his wet trunks. He wondered if he took them off, would his husband give him attention then? Would they be that couple they were over a year ago? Nick doubted it, but he was sure he'd get laid if he did.
What happened to the promises baby?
What happened to "It's only you and me forever"
But everyone's allowed mistakes
Cause I know I made a couple of them in my life
Nick laughed to himself when he thought about the things he did for JC. The lying was never justified, but he did it for his husband. The small things, oh, they mattered. They made the difference when Nick was comparing notes with Brian. When Nick first made love to JC, on JC's birthday, that mattered. It mattered every night to Nick when he was fingering JC's hair and watching him sleep.
JC wasn't just flesh and bones and small, tight muscles. He was poetry personified. He was romance in human form. Nick liked that. He even thought he loved it when JC proposed to him at AJ's wedding. Back when JC loved him without thought or hesitation. Nick missed that. He knew a tear slipped out of eye when he thought about it. He slid back into the water and washed his pain away with chlorine.
He didn't like to classify himself as a fool, but he did when it came down to Justin and JC. He always thought his hate for Justin was just because of Brian. It was never that Justin was better or stronger or wiser. It was because Justin had Brian and Nick didn't know he wanted Brian until he didn't have him. He liked to listen to Janet Jackson because it reminded that he didn't know what he had until it was gone. It's funny. Joni Mitchell didn't lie.
Justin was a good guy. Nick admitted that to himself and no one else. He couldn't give Justin credit for being talented or friendly or a guy that every guy should want. It was probably because the two men Nick really wanted had each wanted Justin. It wasn't Justin's fault. He didn't put himself out there for that. Justin was shy and he was a rare form of life that Nick knew many couldn't resist wanting to hold. But Nick didn't know why he always fell for the man that wanted Justin? It was frustrating to say the least, but it was what Nick did. He knew he and Justin would never have worked out as a couple, but he wonders if Justin and JC were better suited than he and JC? He floats backward and tries not to think about it.
But why instead of fixing things
You didn't even give me a call
It's like you weren't missing me
Like you didn't even love me at all
If we don't grow up and make things right
It'll be the worst mistake of both of our lives
He lifted his head from the water and pushed his hair back, keeping his eyes shut until all the water fell from his brow. He sniffled and exhaled lightly, thinking of other things. A hand helped push back his dripping hair and he felt his body lurch back in surprise. He hopes that Aaron and his friends have stopped by his house once again to lounge around and play on his Playstation. His eyes blink past thick drops of water and he gives a small frown when he sees JC standing over him, on the edge, with no book, just a helpless look of uncertainty. It was a usual JC-look, but Nick didn't want it right now. He wanted JC to go inside and wait for him. Sit in the bed, naked, and wait for Nick to want to fuck him.
He wades in the water while JC kicks off his shoes and rolls up his khakis.
His husband had nice legs, but that wasn't Nick's focus. He wanted to try and read between that furrowed brow and those slightly closed eyes. He swims closer when JC sits on the ledge, feet and calves and shins buried in water. "Come closer," JC requests and he hesitates. He gives in when JC frowns and those perfectly pink lips pucker. He lets JC twist fingers through his blonde hair and he feels a sigh coming, but he swallows it. He buries it in an avalanche of words he wants to say but doesn't.
Once, he thought it was easier to love JC silently rather than say things that he wanted. He was confident in his choice because when he was silent, JC was talking. When he spoke, JC gave his attention to Nick's eyes and lips and facial expressions.
JC flicked a few drops of water from his shoulder and outlined his shark tattoo with his index fingers. His skin was hot against Nick's damp skin. It felt nice felt soothing. It felt like yesterday, but more like a time when JC adored him as a free spirit and not as a husband he was attached to.
We started out okay, so how did it get this way?
And after all we gave, shall we let it slip away?
I don't wanna be the one stuck up in the past
So boy, I will decide for you
If yesterday with you is through
He reached up and let water drip over hair that tried to curl on JC's head.
He brushed his thumb over his husband's thin goatee and thought to smile. He whispered to himself something about loving this man regardless. He wanted to believe he could do it, but who could? Not when he knew that this man could show him a beautiful love but held back so often.
"Kiss me." JC pleaded in a voice foreign to Nick. Or had it been that long? Had that look died out of Nick's memory so quickly? He grabbed the edge and pushed himself up when JC leaned downward. Why resist? He let his cold lips shiver against JC's thick, warm lips. A hand met his cheek, cradled his head while he tried to hold himself up. He needed to work out more. He kissed like it was a goodbye kiss, something classical. He did it like one of those old black and white movies JC made him watch, late at night, when they were cuddled on one of the couches with one of their dogs sleeping at their feet.
His lips, his cheek, his throat felt the fire. He moaned when a soft tongue rolled over his teeth. Nothing erotic, just demanding to be loved. He never thought about it. He never thought that just maybe JC knew his thoughts. Maybe JC didn't believe them?
Nick sunk back down, letting JC kiss the bridge of his nose as he returned to the water. Was that was he was missing? Maybe his husband had more faith in them? He knew more than he let on, those blue eyes hiding thoughts of love where Nick could never find. Nick smiled at that. JC was a moving river in his body. He could never control the current, but he could usually find a way to ride with it.
"Wanna go inside now?" JC asked him and he took a second to think about it.
He rested his hands on JC's khakis and his husband didn't flinch. He nipped at JC's knee and watched something grow in his husband's pants. He laughed to himself and knew what would feel good. "Yeah, baby, let's go in," Nick agreed, running his hands down JC's sculpted legs.
JC turned and pulled his legs up, grinning at Nick. "Good. I want to get you in the shower and wash all that stuff out of your hair. Then we can watch Ask Any Girl," JC cheered and Nick wrinkled his brow. He sniffled and shook his head. "Nothing in between?" Nick questioned, hoisting himself out of the water. He shivered until JC wrapped a towel around him, pulling him close. Nick giggled when the bristles of JC's goatee brushed against his temple. "If you're lucky, I'll wash your dick with my mouth." JC whispered and pinched Nick's butt through his dripping shorts. Nick snickered because that was the JC he knew. Kind, comforting, romantic, and always horny.
The End.
--- Story inspired by: "This Ain't Us," performed by Blaque --- *** Forgive me if the lyrics are not perfect. I tried. ***
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