Running Written by JM
-- Disclaimer: Uh, simple. Not 18, not interested in a relationship between two males, not open-minded, not a fan of the pop genre, not sure what fiction is, not a interested in anything written by JM, DO NOT READ! --
** This is a just small piece of the Brian & Justin saga. It's just a songfic. This is number seven of eight. It is in no way a start to another series, so I ask that you not think of it that way. Understood? Missundaztood? It's all the same now a days. At least I think so. **
He could remember it all so well. It was like it was scripted, written down on some tattered yellow piece of paper deep in his mind. In his best frame of mind, he could never figure out why he did it, but he did. He was ironic, to himself of course.
He always remembered the most important times, the times he was either supposed to cherish or just throw away for the sake of his own mental stability. The useless stuff, the good stuff, the lesson-learned material, and the good shit that would have the newspapers flying off the racks. He was good at remembering all of that and just because he was with him. Just because he was with Brian Littrell.
Day 009. It wasn't hard for him to remember the first day he actually saw Brian after he left. He remembered the day after Christmas, kissing Brian as he boarded some bus for some destination that wasn't Orlando. And it was supposed to be for a few rehearsals and Brian would fly back for one day to pick him up. That didn't happen. Instead, he flew out to see Brian a few days later. He couldn't help it. He missed the first show, the second one, and even part of the third one because he was too busy situating himself in Brian's hotel room to even go to the venue.
When he saw Brian, it wasn't as easy to take in as he thought it would be. Visions came clearer to him in dreams, when there wasn't flashes of light and loud music drowning out those three words that he's sure he's said to Brian at least one thousand times the month before.
And kissing Brian that first time in a week wasn't just kissing Brian on a lazy Sunday with nothing to do but cuddle, play with the kids, and eat Red Vines. Kissing Brian meant a hard press of lips; a quick hand through those missed golden locks of hair while Brian rushed to get changed into his next outfit. He damned tours from that moment on. He swore he wouldn't be that way on his next tour because he fucking missed Brian. He missed him and was only able to kiss him for one-point-eight seconds. He was pretty sure that was the right amount of time.
Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Day 012. He didn't know why he penciled in time with the others on his trip to visit his husband. When he proclaimed to love Brian until death due them part, he didn't know that included staying friendly with Brian's band mates.
He didn't mind. Really he didn't. Brian was off doing some phone interview and he decided that it was okay to lounge around with AJ and Nick while Howie argued with Danay on the phone and Kevin made it clear he had other important things to take care of. He hoped that meant Kevin was finally going to change his maxi pad.
He liked laughing with AJ, liked seeing that side of him because it was so rare and unaccustomed to Justin now. He was sure AJ's motives were always pure and he never knew AJ to be less than himself. Never.
He smiled at Nick because that was the thing magic was made of. They stayed friendly because it was their job, something silently understood between just he and Nick. No more fights no more squabbles over whose husband belongs with whom. They were past that, at least, to each other they were. They knew how to keep catty comments to themselves and smiling made the picture a little glossier and a little less devoid of color.
Brian always knew when to rescue him. He always knew when to whisper something sweet and convincing to Justin to save him from AJ's conquests before marriage and Nick's rants about how truly great his marriage was now.
It was definite bullshit to him, but he grinned and nodded and made it all seem real for both of them. He knew Nick lived in a false reality while AJ was dying inside without his wife. But he didn't let them know. That would be dishonorable and he was far beyond that.
He would slink away with Brian, always some excuse about their children or having to discuss his departure. He knew the routine and wasn't too bothered by it. They would talk, honestly, for an hour and then there was the sex. Tour sex was rather good. It was always passionate, sometimes sugary sweet but mostly raw and sweaty. He didn't mind that. It was always when Brian showed his beast and he loved being the only one to see that Brian.
Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
Day 018. Jealousy used to be a little friend of his that nobody knew about.
He knew how to bail out on his trust and snuggle up with jealousy when Brian was on tour. He didn't know what Brian was doing or whom Brian thought about doing. Not that he worried much. Just those nights where he didn't get a call until after he'd been in a deep sleep on the couch, still fully clothed with the phone nothing but a breath away. Brian would always have a reason. It could be a party or a late night talk with Kevin or he was just too tired. He thought it was the perfect script for a movie he'd already seen. Cheating husband and lonely lover at home, just as naive as the day.
He gave that up though. He parted ways with jealousy when he was wearing Brian's shoes. So easily he forgot what it meant to be the lonely, home-stricken lover when he was on tour, his mind falling into a skillfully built web of lust. He tried not to dwell on that side of himself, but he made it a point to remind himself of who he was. Of what he'd done. Who could forget? He was sure Brian couldn't, but Brian put on a perfect face for him. Never letting his features scrunch into something displeased with Justin's actions. He didn't believe Brian's illusion.
He doesn't fret much when he's back home with his children. He waits on Brian's call with the patience he never earned as a teenager. He cleans and he laughs and he hangs out with Lance and Bryce. He talks with Britney because she's still unsure of where to go with Joey. He writes music with JC because he knows that's the one thing that will keep him in perspective. He knows it'll keep them from that topic that they never really do talk about, just hide behind when it's time to face the facts. They're good at that.
He's usually talking to Chris when Brian does call. He's already tucked Angel in and he's got Autumn sleep on his shoulder, lying in bed while Chris chats about his clothing line and their next CD and what his son has done that day. He doesn't mind those conversations. It makes him feel less like a celebrity and more like a father, a domestic.
He's never sure what he and Brian are really talking about when they do talk. He knows Brian has his mind on other things most nights, either sleep or what he messed up on in concert. He knows that he can't secure Brian's full attention but he settles for what Brian can give and satisfaction comes later when his friends' complain about their relationships and he doesn't.
And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up; let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
Day 026. He hated that he started the discussion. It was only the middle of the day and he could feel his night being fucked up with nothing but crying and self-hate because he started it. He did. He traded happy discussions about their son's antsyness and jokes about their daughter's sudden clumsiness for low, angered words about what his infidelity. He chooses to question Brian's easiness toward the past and that's all he has to do before they're fighting over the phone.
And he usually sits there for hours, waiting for someone to surgically remove the tattoo of "idiot" from his forehead. He tries to make it easier, tries to devote some of the joy he has left to his children. It usually backfires. Angel's usually too restless or Autumn's stricken with some unusual want that he just can't figure out. And he has to remind himself every time. He has to remind himself he's only twenty-one. Father or two at twenty-one? Gee, he'll have a lot to talk about at his ten-year high school reunion.
He knew someone had to take the fall. It was usually him. He'd suffer with the wait. Maybe he'd call. Maybe he wouldn't. Usually, he did. He'd wait long enough and he'd get that call from Brian. And nothing was good enough then. Not the way he spoke, the sweetness in his voice or the words he chose to use. It was just a wandering conversation about anything but what actually occurred. Typical, fashionable and anything but right. He could feel someone, somewhere just pointing the finger the at him. Someone was saying, "Hey kids, here's the feeble one. Here's the one that just can't do anything without Brian."
Day 027. He wasn't that critical the next day. Never was. He had some unsorted hope the day after a fight that kept him on that steady road of joy. It was easier for him to deal with JC's moods those days or drawn-out calls from AJ about his wife and his daughter and why he can't politely ask God to spare him another month of unhappiness.
Brian was always in some charming mood those days. Brian could lure him into a sweaty session of phone sex if they were into that because Brian was just that damn good on those days. Brian kept his accent think, the way he liked and Brian kept his smile obvious through the phone. He tried to contain himself those days because Brian had to rehearse and had to do interviews and other Backstreet fodder. So he assumed the role of the patient one those days. Because Brian could never wait to call him again, couldn't wait to talk and laugh. Brian just wasn't capable of it.
It was clear to him why he loved the laughter, the smiles, the cute ones, the teenager in both of them. It reminded him that nothing is ever close to the perfect marriage. Nothing is ever just the way the world wants. But damn it, he was going to have the best of what he could get and that was what he had with Brian.
Young and love, the two things his mother swore were dangerous and were going to be the death of Britney if she fiddled around with her heart too much. Now that he met with those words, understood them and became friends with them, he was sure his mother had just assumed them as strangers and passed them off for something cheaper and easier to deal with. She never really bothered and he did. He chose to go a little deeper than the surface and he found Brian. And he was still alive.
Running, running as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated
Day 033. What was it about those intimate, night conversations that attracted him so much? It was like they carried their own magic, casting some awful spell on him that made him desire them. Honestly, he didn't give a shit but when he had free time, he pretended to.
Brian's bus was always quiet at night. It was never the party bus. Leave that to AJ and Nick, sometimes Howie when he's drunk enough. Never Brian's.
The atmosphere was thick with a honey-sweet stillness that eased Justin into sleep when he needed, but kept him alive when he needed his time with Brian. He ordinarily needed that time the second day on his visits to Brian. Didn't know why but he sure as hell didn't break the habit. He knew, Brian knew, and more often then not, the others knew it too. AJ never bothered asking Brian to join him at some raunchy club and Nick made that his time to mingle with the crew.
He found it so easy to cuddle up with Brian on one of the couches, never taking up too much space because the closer, the better. He'd twist his fingers in Brian's hair and Brian would wrinkle his shirt by moving around, either to lay his head on Justin's bare chest or to pet Justin's collarbone.
He'd press his nose to Justin's cheek, breath in some scent that drew him closer to Justin and Justin would catalogue it all. The position of their feet, the heat of their bodies, the scent of the air, the slight chap of Brian's lips right before he licked them and then Justin's cheek.
They didn't have sex those nights. Either it was the exhaustion or the sappiness of the moment that prevented them from shaking hands with lust for a quick negotiation of moaning and rabbit fucking. They'd kiss of course because there wasn't nothing sexual about kissing on those nights. Just lips pressing together, expressing something that just couldn't be said in syllables that minute.
Sometimes, he would remind Brian of his aspiration, wants that he's had but never had enough desire to make them reality. Sometimes, Brian will tell him why he trusts him. Brian will talk about their children and how proud he is that he can handle it all at just twenty-one. Wasn't that number meaningful? Just another reminder that he was young, he was married, he was a father, he was a success story only written into Disney films and PBS specials with the occasional Lifetime movie of the week storyline.
Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Day 038. Making love in the morning has some sweet taste that Nestle never capitalized on. He thought that sometimes he wasn't all that good of a lover. Maybe he was selfish some days? Anyone could be, but he hoped he wasn't. He hoped he arched his back just right or squeezed his muscles tight enough to drain Brian. Brian made the noises, went through the motions, made him believe it, but sometimes he didn't want to believe it.
Brian was good at making him feel good about it all. Brian could kiss his shoulder, wrap his arms around his hips and spoon him right afterward. No bathing, not yet. Just relaxation in the midst of the sweat and drying fluid that kept them just a little closer. He smiled a lot when Brian did that because even if he wasn't all that good, Brian still made him more than just something to stick his dick in and release his tension.
Brian had this way of growl when he was close that made him giggle to himself. Usually, after the second time Brian was in him in the morning, he'd run his fingers over Brian's exposed neck to feel that rumble when he did. It turned him on, made the orgasm even better. It was rather inspirational.
When he made love to Brian in the mornings, it was never early. The sun usually made its halo in the sky when he decided to start the foreplay and it could be close to noon before he and Brian truly started the process. Brian never complained though. Maybe he liked it? The late morning sex, the kissing that was lazy and sloppy and drawn out. It could be the way he curled his toes right before he came that Brian liked. The way Brian could pet the hairs on the back of his legs as he tried to maintain his balance through all of the groaning and thrusting. He'd like to think it was a term of love when Brian licked his lips to keep from screaming out some vicious obscenity right before he ejaculated. Of course, he's sure Brian feels the same way when he nibbles on Brian's neck and bites down lightly on his shoulder to keep it quiet when Kevin bangs on the door.
Drifting past the feel, the thrill of it all, afterwards was always the best part. Brian could kiss him forever then. All his breath could be gone and his strength would definitely be on the edge of disappearance, but Brian would push his fingers through his small curls and lick away tears and kiss his swollen lips until he begged for some resistance. Brian would run the arch of his foot along the inside of his leg and play with his kinky pubic hair just because it was cute. Those days were good because there wasn't a rush inside of that hotel room, just on the outside. Everything lingers in its own time and he didn't hate it.
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
Day 042. He'd always be so close to eternal bliss when he'd fuck it up again. Always somewhere, with someone, doing something that led him into a disturbing conversation with Brian because he wouldn't make time, wouldn't give up the effort for Brian.
He knew it was because he was away from Brian again and didn't want to understand that it was Brian's job like it was his job. He wanted to have all of Brian and all of himself. He thinks that the feelings are often caused by JC. The want to write his music, talk with Chris and Lance, laugh with Joey, interact with his children, and still have Brian all the while was a point for JC because that's what he had with Nick. It's not what Justin needed.
He hated arguing in front of Angel and Autumn because they understood it all. They saw their fathers, knew the tension, and never were the same afterward. They weren't always as playful or receptive. It was a funny, familiar feeling for him. He knew it, saw it with his own parents, except that was on a daily basis.
He always made sure Brian talked to Angel later on and sang to Autumn because they came first. Marriage came second. Friends and family came third and he always realized that the music once had bronze but never held gold. If anything, music kept losing the race because he was losing the will to run for the music.
He wondered if he could give it all up? He wondered if he could leave it all behind and just be a father, a husband, a son, a friend? Would it ever be that easy. Brian told him it couldn't be. He didn't disagree. He had reasons why it could be, but that was one fight he wouldn't have with Brian.
The future...
Running, running as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated
Day 054. When it's all over, he knows why they did it. When Brian's back home, when the tour is over, when his life becomes somewhat domesticated again, he knows why he sacrifices the months for the moments.
He doesn't mind when Brian spends half the day with his son and daughter. He sits and watches when Brian fools around with his dogs and takes his children swimming. Sometimes, he'll have the strength to join in. Sometimes, he'll let the thoughts whisk away so he can roll in the grass with Autumn and chase Angel around the yard while Brian laughs until tears flood his eyelids. He can do it because it's just another reminder.
He freely lets Brian tuck Angel in and sing Autumn to sleep. But Brian's never tired that first night. He never wants to just sleep like he knows Kevin does. He has no need to party like Nick or dine out with family like Howie does. He doesn't mind when Brian takes time away to chat with AJ because he knows AJ needs it. He knows the marriage is over, but if Brian can keep AJ sane long enough to get through a few more months, he'll sacrifice that hour for their friendship.
When it's his time, he's satiated. He knows that means vanilla candles, a bath together and bowls of ice cream on their bed. He knows that's when Brian will spooned-feed him ice cream and he'll kiss Brian's cold, pale lips until the heat returns. He knows Brian will undress him and make love to him. He can wait for his time because he's waited for this life. He's logged the days, filed the paperwork, and doesn't mind pausing for the results.
When it's his time, he knows Brian will stay up with him, talk to him and remind him what all the running was for.
Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated
The End.
--- Story inspired by: "Running" (G. Stefani, T. Kanal), performed by No Doubt ---
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