Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com".
"And that wraps up our itinerary for the week," Kevin said, looking up finally from the packet of papers in front of him. He was sitting at the table in his suite, a cup of coffee next to him and a plate with the remains of a stack of pancakes in front of him. "Unless anyone has anything else, we're free for the rest of the day."
The rest of the Backstreet Boys looked at him from their various spots around the room. Nick was sprawled on one of the couches, the television remote in his hand as he waited for permission to turn it back on. He hadn't paid attention to a single thing that Kevin had said, knowing that if he was late for something some one would call him or come get him. He was trying to figure out who he'd brought home last night and if she'd still be there when he got back to his suite, and he really wasn't all that interested in breakfast with the guys.
Nick's sloppy pajamas and unwashed hair were in direct contrast with Howie, who sat across from him. Howie's hair was dry, his shirt ironed and his pants neatly pressed, as if he'd been up for hours. He probably had. None of them knew what Howie did when he wasn't with them, and he was never very forthcoming, but he was all business when they did stuff together. He listened carefully to everything Kevin said, taking notes on a small pad, asking questions here and there, and exuded enough professionalism to make up for all the rest of them.
AJ, on the other hand, was pacing the room, frantically working his way through a second plate of scrambled eggs, leaving scraps on the floor as he flew around and around the furniture. He'd been like this ever since he'd gotten back from rehab. He was always jumpy, always seemed wired, and barely able to focus on anything. His clothes, always a little odd, were even stranger lately, today's outfit being best described as disco cowboy, and his tattoos seemed to dance as he jitterbugged his way around the room, asking Kevin to repeat things he'd already gone over two or three times.
Kevin, for his part, sat paternalistically at the table, watching them all over the tops of his little half glasses. He was always the one who went over schedules with them, and called them all to let them know where they had to be. Kevin told them what to wear, who to talk to at parties, and who not to be photographed with. He did it all with the same air of condescension, as if he was so much better than the rest of them, as if they'd all be lost without him around to keep them in line. When he wasn't doing it with band stuff, he was rubbing his personal life in their faces, continuously letting them know how happy he was, and how well his marriage was going, and how all of the rest of them should settle down and start thinking about what they were going to do with the rest of their lives.
Brian watched them all from his place in the corner, a half eaten bagel on the side table next to him. He sat in a wing chair, his legs curled up under him, and looked at these men who had once been his best friends, and he wondered again when and how they had all drifted so far apart. Actually, it hadn't really been a drifting. That implied something gradual, almost even accidental, but what happened to them had been deliberate. It had started the day Brian came out to them, right after their first album. He had thought that his friends would accept him, but that wasn't the response he got. Nick had pushed him away, accusing him of having feelings for him beyond friendship despite Brian's reassurance that he didn't. Kevin barely spoke to him afterward, and when he did it was always to let him know how sad he was making their family, and how selfish he was being. Howie didn't treat him any differently, but they hadn't ever really been close, and when management had told Brian he couldn't go public with it Howie had gone along quietly, not saying a word. AJ hadn't really talked about it, other than to ask if Brian was interested in him, and when he heard that the answer was no he went right back to his own self-absorption and self-destruction, which none of the others prevented.
If Brian's revelation had started the divide, AJ's drinking had pushed the cracks even wider. Brian had argued with the others repeatedly, telling them over and over that they needed to do something, that AJ needed their help, and only Howie had agreed. Only when rumors of AJ's drinking had started to reach the press, and it seemed inevitable that it would come out, had Kevin and Nick agreed. The four of them had put on their public faces, but once they had AJ out of sight, Kevin and Nick washed their hands of him again, not going to visit him, focusing on their own lives while they waited for him to clean himself up alone. Brian had gone to visit him a few times, but found AJ the same as ever, only wanting to talk about himself and needing to be continuously reassured that he was somebody important. Howie might have gone to visit him as well, but Brian hadn't asked, and Howie hadn't volunteered.
And now Brian was going to put his feelings out in front of these four men again, these four guys who helped control his life, and who were either indifferent, disappointed, hostile, or just completely unreadable to him, and he had no idea how they would react. Some days he thought the best thing for all of them would be for the band to just break up, and then they could all get on with their lives.
"I have something else," Brian said quietly, watching Kevin, seeing the quick frown that crossed his face.
"Is it about last night?" Kevin asked sternly. "Because Leighanne told me you were sick. Is there anything we need to know, or that might affect any of this?"
"No, I'm fine," Brian said, looking down, not wanting to meet Kevin's gaze. He hated lying, which was why the whole life he was being forced into was so hard.
"Are you sure?" Kevin demanded. "Because we need to know if you're going to cancel out of any of this. Are you still sick?"
"Yeah, because you look like shit," Nick snapped from the couch. Howie sighed, but no one told Nick to knock it off.
"I'm fine," Brian said again, wishing he and Nick were still friends. Without Nick, Brian had no one to turn to in the band, no one inside their world who he could talk to, and who could understand this constant pressure. "That's not what I need to talk about. Leighanne and I are going to get a divorce."
Dead silence greeted this as the other four stared at him, not moving. Nick was blinking, like he thought he hadn't heard correctly, and AJ even stopped pacing for a second. Kevin's eyes narrowed behind his wire-framed half glasses, which none of them were allowed to refer to as "reading glasses" for fear of assaulting Kevin's vanity.
"Have you cleared this with management?" Kevin asked icily.
"Are you guys ok?" Howie asked, ignoring Kevin. He'd noticed as well that Brian looked bad this morning, but Brian looked like that so often lately. Brian looked up at him, surprised, but Kevin jumped back in before he could say anything.
"Brian? I'm waiting," he snapped. Brian turned toward him, watching the sneer settle in on Kevin's features. "Have you even mentioned this to management?"
"No, I haven't," Brian answered.
"Why not?" Kevin demanded. "You know what we all agreed on."
"Yes, I know what you all agreed on for me," Brian said sadly, looking down.
"That's not fair," Kevin said, his voice dripping with ice. "You agreed to it, too."
"I agreed because I didn't have a choice!" Brian said. "I agreed because it was supposed to be best for everyone, but it's not. You guys don't care about everyone else. You only want what's best for yourselves, and I can't live like this anymore."
AJ started pacing again.
"Can't live like what?" Nick barked. "Can't be rich? Can't be famous? Can't buy yourself whatever you want, whenever you want it? Gosh, Brian, I had no idea your life was so fucking miserable. You're right, it's really hard to live like this."
"Don't twist my words!" Brian said, curled up in his chair, feeling his eyes tear. "It's not the same for me, and you know why!"
"It's not the same for you because of your choices," Kevin said, setting the papers in his hand aside and picking up his coffee cup.
"It's not a choice," Brian said, wiping at his eyes.
"Leighanne is a nice girl," AJ blurted. "Maybe you're just not trying hard enough."
"Damn it, AJ!" Brian snapped. "I don't want to try harder with Leighanne. How many times do I have to tell you that? I'm gay, AJ. I'm gay, and I'm tired of pretending not to be."
AJ looked at Brian for a second, his face crumpling, and then he dropped his plate and ran across the room toward Kevin's bedroom.
"Why is everyone so mean to me?" AJ wailed. "I'm only trying to help!"
He vanished through the bedroom door with a slam that shook the walls.
"Fucking Christ," Nick said, turning the television on. "Great job, Brian."
"Look, Brian, I'm sure you think this is a great idea, but I don't really think you've thought this through all the way," Kevin began, talking down in that crushingly superior way of his. "You need to stop thinking so much about yourself, and think about how this is going to hurt the whole band. And what about your mom and your family, Brian? Remember how upset they are because of your selfish choice? How are they going to feel when this is on the news all the time, and everyone's talking about it?"
"You have no right to talk to me about family," Brian said quietly, staring at Kevin.
"Don't start that again," Kevin said, sighing as if this could actually hurt him as much as it hurt Brian. "I only want what's best for you, Brian. Someday you'll understand that."
Brian stood, wanting more than anything to leave. He knew they wouldn't take this well, but in the end it was his decision. No one could force him to stay married, and management couldn't dictate his personal life. Once Leighanne was taken care of, made comfortable and not embarrassed by any of this, Brian could get on with his own life, and none of these so-called friends could stop him.
"If understanding means that I'll be like you someday, then I don't think I want to understand," Brian said, walking toward the door. "This is who I am. I don't expect you to like it, or to agree with it, but I thought that you were my friends, and that you'd accept me for whatever I was. I can't believe I ever thought any of you cared about me. You only care about yourselves."
"That's not true," Howie said, finally speaking. Brian froze, his hand on the doorknob, and turned to glance at him. Nick and Kevin were shooting menacing glares at him, but Howie ignored them. "Some of us accept you completely for who you are, Brian. Do whatever you think is best."
"Thanks, Howie," Brian said, leaving.
"What's wrong with you?" Kevin asked, turning to Howie. AJ opened the bedroom door, peering out to see if Brian was gone.
"Wrong with me?" Howie asked, standing. He carefully returned his dishes to the room service cart. "What's wrong with the three of you? Did it somehow escape your attention that Brian's in a lot of pain? Have you somehow failed to notice how much all of this is hurting him, and how hard for him this is?"
"He's bringing it all on himself," Kevin said, shaking his head. "He doesn't have to be the way that he is. Maybe he's in pain because he knows it's wrong."
Howie shook his head sadly.
"What's wrong is forcing him to be something he's not," Howie said.
"He shouldn't be forcing us to go along with it," Nick said, flipping channels on the television. "If he tells everyone he's queer, they're going to think we all are. There are enough rumors going around already, and he's just going to fuck it up for all of us if he starts talking. Just because he takes it up the ass doesn't mean we all have to. I'm not letting him fuck up my career because he can't stop sucking cock."
"I can't deal with that," AJ said, shaking his head. "I can't deal with people saying that about me. I have enough problems. I can't deal with that, too."
"Nobody's saying that about you, AJ," Kevin said absently, not even looking at him. "Have another donut or something. Howie, you can't honestly think that this is a good idea."
"For the band, no, maybe not, but there are worse things that could happen," Howie said, walking toward the door. "I mean, I could trust four guys more than anything in the world, and think that they're my best friends, only to find out that none of them really care about me at all. Wouldn't that be awful?"
"Howie," Kevin began, anger creeping into his voice.
"I feel really bad for Brian, because he never saw how any of you really are," Howie said, opening the door. "I'm glad that I've never needed any of you for anything, and I bet Brian wishes he could say the same. I'll see you for that radio spot tomorrow."
Howie closed the door behind him and wondered again how Brian could ever have thought these people were his friends. It had been different for Brian, because he'd been on the inside from the beginning. He was one of the vocal leads, and he already had an in with Kevin. He was a blue eyed blond, which meant that management loved him, because everyone loves the boy next door. Howie had always been the outside guy, almost the extra guy, and he'd never allowed himself any illusions about that. Brian saw the guys as his family, but Howie saw them as his coworkers. If he got along with his coworkers, that was great. If not, he still had to work with them, but he didn't have to let them into his life, didn't have to treat them as his friends, because they weren't.
He looked down the hall, wondering if he should go to Brian's door. They'd never been especially close, but maybe Brian needed someone right now. Then again, maybe it was too late for him to reach out to Brian. Maybe the time to do it was back when Brian had first come to them, back before Howie had agreed with the others that the arrangement with Leighanne was the best thing for everyone. Would Brian care that Howie was sorry for that? Would Brian care that Howie hadn't stood up for him then because he'd been afraid to, because the other guys' reactions had scared Howie into silence? There were things that Brian didn't know, but Howie didn't think he would be open to hearing them now. Deciding that he needed to think this all over a little more, Howie turned and walked away toward his own suite.
Down the hall, Leighanne handed Brian another tissue, and wondered if she should be leaving after all.
"Brian, my mom can wait," she said again, rubbing his back as they sat on the couch together. "I can call her and tell her about the divorce, and she'll be ok. I don't want to leave you like this, Brian, not when you're so upset."
"Why do they have to be like that?" Brian asked, blowing his nose again. "Why can't they just be my friends?"
Lee sighed, reaching for the tissue box so that she could just hand Brian the whole thing. She didn't have an answer to his question, so she wasn't sure what to say. Lee had only ever known the guys from an outsider's perspective, and had only met them after Brian had come out to them, so she'd never known them to act any differently.
"Brian, are you sure they ever really were your friends?" Lee asked, and Brian looked at her, eyes wide, as if this idea had never occurred to him. "I mean, they're not even nice people, Brian. Look at you. You're obviously not well, and none of them really seem to give a damn."
"They weren't always like that," Brian said.
"Yeah, but they are now," Lee sighed. "Maybe not Howie, though. You said he was nice."
"He was, kind of," Brian agreed. "But Lee, he won't do anything. He speaks up at the end, but he never actually argues. He's not any better than the rest of them."
Lee sighed.
"Brian, are you sure I should go?" she asked again, glancing at her suitcases by the door.
"Yeah, you should," Brian answered finally, wiping his eyes. "I'm still going to go through with this, Lee, and no one will be able to find you at your mom's. I don't want the press to bother you, and I have a feeling that people are going to be all over this. It might be a good idea to lay low for a while, you know?"
"If that's what you want, Brian," Lee said. "But promise you'll call me, ok? I'm worried about you."
"I'll call you, I promise," Brian said, hugging her. "You have the ATM card, and your charge cards. Buy anything you need, ok?"
"Sure, Brian, ok," Lee said. She picked up her bags, but turned back again. "Brian are you sure? I don't want to leave you here alone."
Brian smiled.
"I won't be alone," he said, shrugging. He couldn't explain it, but he didn't feel alone. "I'll be ok, Lee, and you're only a phone call away."
Lee sighed, wondering what he meant about not being alone. Did Brian have a friend she didn't know about? Brian told her everything. She shrugged, the thought pushing itself out of her mind. She felt again that tiny nagging feeling that something was really wrong, but then Brian had her arm, and was walking her to the door. He opened the door, hugged her, and then kissed her on the cheek.
"Goodbye, Leighanne," he said, smiling weakly.
"Bye, Brian," she answered. "I'll call you when I get to my mom's ok?"
"OK," he said, watching her walk away.
Brian closed the door, and looked around the suite room. It should have felt empty with Lee gone, should have felt big and roomy, like it did when he stayed in other suites without her, but that feeling wasn't there. Instead, there was a feeling that Brian wasn't alone, a feeling of possibility, or anticipation. There was a feeling of waiting, like any second now someone would step through one of the doors. Actually, not just someone. Brian could feel Tommy in here, and whether or not Tommy was real, or just a figment of Brian's overstressed imagination, he sat in one of the suite chairs and waited to see what would happen. Brian wanted to see if Tommy would come, if he was more than a dream or a hallucination, and he didn't think it could happen with Leighanne there.
Leighanne walked down the hallway toward the elevators, glancing back again, wondering if she should go back to Brian despite his protests that he'd be fine. He obviously wasn't fine. He looked pale, and his eyes were completely sunken in dark hollows. He hadn't slept good last night, no matter what he told her, and she was a little worried about how weird he'd seemed when he came down from the roof. He seemed dazed almost, and he'd smelled like bourbon but hadn't offered her any explanation of how it had happened, even though she could see from the back of his shirt that it looked like he had poured it over his shoulders and down his back. She turned back toward the suite, and a cold breeze rustled through the hallway, startling her.
In Brian's suite room, the curtains rustled. Brian didn't see them moving, sitting in the chair with his eyes closed and his head tilted back, waiting, waiting for someone to come make him not feel so alone.
"Leighanne?" Howie asked, stepping out of his suite. She spun, her bag dropping off of her shoulder, and Howie rushed over to help her pick it up.
"Howie, I'm sorry, you startled me," Leighanne said, wondering what had just happened. That breeze must have come from Howie's open door, that's all. He handed her the bag, and she slung it over her shoulder again. "Thanks."
"So you're leaving?" Howie asked, standing next to her as they waited for the elevator to arrive. "Brian told us about the divorce. Is he ok?"
Leighanne looked at Howie, trying to read him. Brian had said that Howie told him to be himself, to do what he wanted, and Leighanne was trying to figure out if he meant it. Did he really care about Brian? Could she trust him, or would he carry it all back to Kevin? She decided to follow her first impulse, and trust her gut.
"I don't know, Howie," Lee answered. "I'm worried about him. I'm worried about what's happening to him."
The room seemed to sigh around him, to breathe. The curtains rustled again.
"Brian," he heard, whispered softly. "Brian."
Brian smiled, eyes closed, and felt the first touch, the first fingertip, as it traced across his eyelids. A hand fluttered over his forehead, brushing back his hair, and then caressed its way down the side of his face, over his jaw, down his neck. The touch was firm, but a little cold, and Brian felt the other hand ruffle his hair again as the first slid down his neck to his collar. The top button of his shirt popped open, and he felt a hand rub over the top of his chest before it slid down to the next button, undoing that one as well.
"Howie, he's under so much stress," Lee said, feeling herself tear up a little as they stepped into the elevator. "I'm scared that he might be having a breakdown, Howie. I'm worried about him, and there doesn't seem to be anyone for him to turn to. He needs a friend, Howie, and he thinks it's best if I leave, so who's going to be here for him? What's going to happen to him?"
Brian sighed, feeling a finger trace over his lips, pulling his mouth open a little. He felt something brush over his ear, not another finger, but a tongue, and he tilted his head back, sighing again. He felt Tommy against him now, felt Tommy's smooth, cool check brush his own as Tommy began to nuzzle his head against Brian's neck, kissing and nipping softly. Tommy's hands undid the last button of Brian's shirt, and tugged the tails out of his pants, smoothing it back off of his shoulders as his hands caressed Brian's chest. Brian moaned now, his arms clutching the armrests of the chair, his head turning from side to side as Tommy suckled at one side of his neck, and then the other, and his hands slid caressingly all over Brian's torso. Tommy stroked his abs, caressed his pecs, and squeezed and pulled at his nipples.
"Brian," Tommy sighed, his breath against Brian's ear. "None of them care about you, Brian. None of them. Only I do."
Brian didn't answer, sighing wordlessly as he felt Tommy squeeze his nipples again, pinching them, tweaking them, sending sparks shooting through his whole body.
"Leighanne, I know Brian and I aren't exactly close friends, but I care about what happens to him," Howie said, not sure if she'd believe him. "I feel bad that I haven't been there for him before, and I don't know if he'd trust me now, but I'm worried about him, too. You can see that he's not well, Leighanne. Why are you leaving?"
"Brian's worried about me getting hounded by the press," Lee answered. "It's not just this stuff, though. Something just feels wrong, Howie. I don't know how to explain it, but something just doesn't feel right."
"What do you mean?" Howie asked, as they arrived in the lobby. He carried her suitcase toward the desk as she walked over to turn in her room key.
"I don't know," Lee answered, feeling like something was slipping away, like she was losing something. "I just feel like something's wrong, really wrong, with Brian."
"Brian," Tommy sighed, dropping his hands to Brian's crotch, kneading at his hard cock, rubbing it through his pants. "Brian."
Brian twisted in the chair, his back arching, as he groaned and clutched at the armrests. Sweat broke out on his forehead, and glistened on his straining chest as he felt himself panting beneath Tommy's ministrations. He hadn't opened his eyes yet, but he knew what he'd see when he did. He'd see Tommy, smiling, all pale and blond and beautiful. He'd see Tommy's eyes, so blue, hot and cold at the same time, and Tommy's pale pink mouth, open, wet, and ready. He'd see all of those muscles, so smooth and perfect, hairless and alabaster, the rippled geography of Tommy's body unmarked by freckles or scars. He'd see those pale pink nipples, and the matching head of Tommy's pale pink cock, which he hadn't touched yet, but which he wanted to.
Tommy's hands, smooth and a little cold, fluttered over Brian's waist as they undid the top button of his pants and tugged down his zipper. Brian sighed, lifting his ass as he felt Tommy tugging his pants and boxers down in one motion, Tommy's hands sliding over his thighs, and then down his calves. He kicked his pants away and felt Tommy's hands sliding caressingly back up, stroking his calves, running over his thighs as they spread them apart. He felt Tommy's bare shoulders, so smooth and firm, brush his knees, pushing his legs open even wider, and then he felt Tommy's tongue, licking at his balls again.
"Tommy," Brian sighed, still not opening his eyes. His cock was throbbing now, painfully hard, and he felt Tommy begin to lick slowly up the shaft.
"Brian," Tommy whispered, his tongue caressing Brian's hard pole. "Do you need me, Brian? Do you need me to love you?"
"Oh, God," Brian sighed, tossing his head back and forth as Tommy's tongue licked up and down his shaft and back and forth over the dripping head of his cock.
"Only I love you, Brian," Tommy whispered, his breath shivering cold against Brian's wet, sensitive cock. "Do you want me to?"
Brian sighed and whimpered, still not answering.
Howie leaned down as Leighanne slid into the cab.
"I'll try to take care of him, Lee," Howie promised, not sure how else he could reassure her. "I'll stand by him for this, but he's going to have to let me."
"I know," Leighanne said, sighing. "I'll try to encourage him when I talk to him tonight, ok?"
"OK," Howie said, shrugging.
"Please take care of him," Leighanne said. "He needs a friend, more than anything."
"I'll do my best," Howie said, closing the door. He watched the cab pull away.
Brian's hips were thrusting up now, rolling involuntarily, as Tommy continued to lick at his cock, not taking it into his mouth. He kept dropping down to lick at Brian's balls, washing over them with his tongue, and then he dropped even lower, and Brian felt Tommy's cool tongue pushing at his hole.
"Oh, God," he sighed again, his back arching as he felt Tommy push his way inside, and then pull out and trace his tongue around the tight muscle before pushing in again.
"Do you want me, Brian?" Tommy asked again, licking his way back up Brian's balls, and then up his shaft again. Brian writhed in the chair, sweat pouring off of him as he strained up toward Tommy. "Do you want me?"
"Yes," Brian sighed, opening his eyes as he felt Tommy's lips slide tightly over his cockhead. "Yes, Tommy, yes."
Tommy smiled around Brian's cock, his mouth opening wider as Brian thrust into his throat again and again. Brian looked down and saw Tommy's eyes sparkling, blazing again, and then he felt himself tensing up. Tommy's tongue flicked out over Brian's cockhead as it lay trapped in the warm cavern of his mouth, and dipped into the slit, and then Brian groaned and felt himself shooting again into Tommy's mouth, felt Tommy hungrily sucking at him, pulling at him, as Brian's hips jerked and he shot again. He felt Tommy's chest settling onto his own, pushing him backward into the chair, as Tommy's mouth clamped down over his, Tommy's tongue snaking it way inside. He looked up into Tommy's blue eyes, and blackness rolled over him.
Out in the hallway, Howie knocked again, but Brian didn't answer. Howie sighed and began walking back to his room, wondering why the hallway felt so cold.
To be continued.