OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Draven Phoenix@aol.com with good or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident.
Part 33: Well, guess that answered if I was ending the story, and if Jon was really dead, lol. I just want to take the first moment of this time to say a general thank-you. To everyone that has sent me mail, and encouraged me. Em, you gave me a chance, and I appreciate that to no end. The chance to be a friend, and meet people. That chance is sometimes all someone needs, sometimes isn't, but having the chance again was nice J. I'd like to thank all of 69 flavors for dealing with me, and for reading my book's first chapter, the feedback has been nice, and what I needed to figure out how I wanted to start things. Now that I am writing a book, I will be at the computer more, so I guess 7 Sea's will be updated a bit more regularly. To James... where have you been? I want to thank anyone who has at any time ever read this and seen something in it, or used something in this to better themselves. Who have learned something from the lessons I have had, or just felt connected to this story for whatever reason. This was/is my journal of growth. I have seen the changes I've gone thru as I look back through the beginning chapters to now, and I've seen the person I want to be through the story as well.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 33 by Jon
Brian seemed to be thinking, while he was talking. "Jon..." He wasn't sure just what to say. "HMMMMMM HMMM HMM yeah yeah. Baby, please try to forgive me."
Flowed from his mouth. "Stay here, don't put out the glow. Hold me now.. Don't bother. If every minute it makes me weaker. You can save me, from the man I've become."
A small tear fell from his eye, as the rest of the guys looked at him, and he nodded. Then they all joined in understanding what he was doing. "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
AJ voice penetrated the room, as the guys softened, looking at Jon, as if asking the same thing as the rest of them, for forgiveness. "sadness, is beautiful. Loneliness is tragic. So help me, I can't win this war, no nooo."
Kevin joined in With AJ, his voice, solemn as his eyes looked down at Jon, as if pleading.
"Touch me now don't bother, if every second it makes me weaker. You can save me from the man I've become."
All at once, the five men were harmonizing together "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
Nick's voice seemed to wake me out of my stupor, I realized each man was here, singing these words, and to each one of them, they were asking a different question. "I'm here, with my confession. Got nothing to hide, no more. I don't know where to start. But to show you the shape of my heart!"
Everyone hit the bridge together "I'm looking back, on things I've done. I never want to play the same old part, and keep you in the dark. Now let me show you the shape of my heart."
All the voices blended together again in the chorus "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
Then out of no where, as if a tormented soul, from sorrow, and loneliness, and fear, Nick's voice cut in through the chorus "Now let me show you the true shape of my heart"
They all were in the end finishing the song off, as a team. "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart." "The Shape of my heart!" The last line was dragged out, and Brian sang it alone. Looking deep into my eyes, he sang the line.
They all looked at me, as I opened my eyes. Slowly, and carefully, I opened them as I lay in Nick's arms. Gwen was awe struck by the scene, and I must admit, so was i. My whole body was still numb, and I had this overwhelming urge to just let sleep take me. I mustered my voice, trying to remain distant and cold. "That doesn't answer why." I said it. I acted as if the song meant nothing to me. I wanted to know why they did what they did. What possible reason.
My eyes remained locked on Brian. "Jon.. I thought I had lost you, for good. I thought you were dead, and when I heard your voice, I thought you were just trying to make me miserable. I laid in your bed for 3 days, wishing I could hear your voice." I just stared at him.. "I could never make you miserable, I never stopped loving you, and all I wanted was your happiness, be it with someone else if that is how it had to be."
He dropped to his knee's as the tears flew from his eyes. I still couldn't feel my body, and the urge to sleep was getting greater by the second. My head slowly rolled back in Nick's arms, as did my eyes to my head. I let the numbness consume me, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was far from asleep, but not very awake either. "Jon no, you can't do this, you can't go to sleep and not wake up on us!" Brian shouted at me. He took me in his arms, and stroked my hair lovingly. Kevin, AJ, and Howie just looked onto the scene in a state of horror, almost as if it were just a bad movie. Something from a dream long ago, and yet just a few days ago all at once. Kevin just went into the bathroom, with AJ and Howie staring at him, In a state of utter confusion, as they heard the water start running.
Brian slipped into place, where Nick once held me, feeling how cold my body had gotten, and how lifeless it was. He continued to stroke the hair off my face, and hold me.
Half trying to warm my cold body, and half trying to comfort it to where ever it was heading. Kevin knelt down on one knee, and dipped a face cloth into the steaming water, applying the hot towel to my forehead. Everyone else watched in horror, yet Kevin seemed as calm as one could be. Brian did his best not to fall apart and freak out, but he was losing it. "Its going to be OK Brian, he just absorbed a lot of information, and he wasn't so good before we got here either.." And with that Gwen got a look on her face, as if she was going to melt Kevin in his shoes. "BEFORE THIS HE WAS FINE!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, not caring these people were famous, nor did she care how much she'd hate herself later.
They all felt another stare coming at them from the doorway. It was as if the eyes were hitting them all with bullets as they stood there. The face was familiar, yet completely estranged to them. The eyes were narrow slits, as if trying to give the appearance of a snake ready to strike. Two fists balled at her side, as she looked at the scene. Her skin, normally white, seemed to be red hot, as if she would spontaneously combust there on the scene. Her teeth were clenched like a vice, and it was almost as if her two pointed top teeth had grown into fangs as she looked on.
"What did you people do to him!" The voice, one that used to be friendly, seemed to have venom on it. Everyone's jaw's dropped, none having seen this side to Gray. Gwen also got up, her face and features much like Gray's still trying to figure out what to do.
Gray started approaching the mass that was my body, and Brian. Her eyes stared at Kevin, as he continued to swab the cloth on my forehead. Kevin had ignored Gracie, after he saw her, turning his attention to trying to wake me up, yet part of him had some idea what was about to happen. Nick got up quickly, remembering what Gray had said earlier to him about killing Kevin. "Gray no, you don't understand." She shook her head no at Nick, and AJ and Howie stood, as if to form some sort of wall. Gray looked at AJ, hatred beaming through her eyes, and he just looked down. The cold eyes soon flared at Howie, and he started to look back, as tears slid down his eyes. He wouldn't budge, he looked her straight in the eyes. He was facing another of his demons, knowing this would have to have happened. "MOVE!" It was a simple word, but the voice behind it, showed she meant business. In a single word she had spoken a book of her intentions. She had made it clear she wanted blood on her hands, and her friend safe from harm.
Gwen looked at Gracie, and stared at her. Gwen's eyes seemed even more pissed at the moment. "Who the hell are you, and what do you think your doing?!?" Nick, Howie, and AJ gasped hearing Gwen. Gwen stared Gracie in the eyes, and balled her fists up, approaching the woman. Grace raised her right eyebrow slightly, and looked at the woman, a bit bewildered as to who she was, but even more amused that she would stand up to her like that. Yes her face showed almost a look of amusement for a moment, but only a moment. "Who do you think you are fooling girl! If I have to single handily go through all of you to get to Jon, and get Kevin away from him, then goddess help you, and hope you caught up on your prayers, cause your gonna meet your maker." Gwen took another defiant step towards Grace. "Well you'd best kill me, cause if you don't I'll be killing you. I'll be damned if I let another person hurt Jon again."
The only thing that registered on Gracie's face was utter shock. Pure and utter shock. "hurt.. hurt him. I would never.. we've been too close too long. I'm hear to help him." Gwen looked at her suspiciously "Well if your here to help him I suggest you sit down, shut up, and let them do what they're doing. And gods help me, if you guys"
looking at them all she continued "hurt him in any way, seems you have two of us that are going to rip you apart." Howie, Nick, and AJ didn't seem to know what to say, or do.
They seemed defeated, yet like they'd won all at the same time. Nick went back over to Brian, and sat there with him and Jon, while Kevin tried to keep the cloth warm. Nick grabbed a thick blanket off the bed on the way and covered Brian and Jon up as he did.
Rubbing the side of the blanket where my arms where, in an attempt to cause friction, and keep Jon warm. Gray and Gwen started to talk, little things at first, introductions, and who they were, yet both kept a steady eye on Jon and Kevin. Like two little pit bulls, small in stature, but given the need, would rip you apart in nothing flat. They seemed to be hitting it off really well.
Almost 3 hours had passed, and by now Brian was getting really worried. He refused to lose it, while holding me in his arms. Only a few minutes after Gracie had walked in, and they moved me onto the bed, Brian holding me in his arms the whole way.
They guys were getting worried I had slipped into a coma, with how cold I was, and how unresponsive I had been. Had it not been for the stray movement of my arm, they would have fully believed it to be a coma. Little by little, Gwen filled in Nick and Gray on what she knew of what had happened, and the guys slowly started to see what the commotion was all about. Gray's eyes seemed to soften a bit as she looked at Gwen, feeling a connection. Nick had the same treatment. AJ and Howie got death looks from her, as did Kevin. Kevin. for the moment brushed it off, but the look in AJ and Howie's eyes betrayed how much it was killing them. They lost Gray for what seems completely now, and they almost lost a dear friend.
The day went on as more of the same. Slowly but surely my body started to warm up under the hot cloth, blanket, and body heat. It was well into the night before I could even open my eyes. As I did, I saw Gray and Gwen watching over me. I was confused as to when and how Gray got here, and I looked to my right to see Kevin holding Nick in a chair. Their eyes were tired, but not sleepy. At the movement of my head, Brian looked at my eyes, to see them opened, causing everybody to look. Just as quickly as they were opened I was fighting the urge to sleep again. I hung my head over the edge, half in an attempt to get up, and half in an attempt to get to the bathroom. As I looked over the edge of the bed, it seemed to go on forever. Like there was no floor. My head started spinning and my stomach joined the wash cycle. Moments later I was heaving up what very little I had eaten in the past few days, along with a lot of blood. As soon as I was done emptying the bile from my stomach, I felt my body getting cold again, and closed my eyes. I couldn't fight the urge to sleep any more than I could have walked to the bathroom at that moment.
A few hours later, I awoke in Brian's arms again. There was an acidic taste in my mouth, but no smell on the ground, so I had to assume someone cleaned it up. I'd figure out who to thank later, for now, I wanted to try to stay awake. I could hear Brian's even breathing and the rise and fall of his chest as he held me. He had been holding me that whole day. There were no lights in the room on, but that never bothered me, I had excellent night sight. I could see Kevin and Nick sleeping, not peacefully, but sleeping nonetheless on the same chair. I carefully moved my head to the left, to see Gray and Gwen on the other bed, and AJ and Howie on the floor, their heads propped on a few jackets as they lay there. I was starting to feel claustrophobic at that moment. I hadn't really had arms around me in awhile, and it was Brian, so it brought back a lot. My senses seemed intact, I could judge distance at the moment, so I took Brian's arms off me, not harshly, but off me. I got out of bed, and into the bathroom. Brian, being the bump on a log he is when he sleeps, didn't seem to notice anything. All the better. As I exited the bathroom all was as I left it. I half smiled at the room. I was hobbling to the bathroom and no one heard me. How typical. With that thought I had to chuckle for a minute.
Clad in my jeans and tee shirt, I walked out onto the balcony and started to look at the stars. The moon was full, and I could feel it's essence overwhelming me. I sat there, basking in the aura of the great Goddess, letting her love fill my troubled and aching heart.
Letting her wash away the pain that seemed to keep flaring up in my body. Letting the coldness of the past few months just wash away in her light. Each star seemed to call out softly to me, enveloping me into a song of which no poet has ever dared try to write. I had to smile, as they kept singing to me. I closed my eyes, and let the moon take over me. I saw the visions of some clouds riding into my head, lead by the light of the fullest moon you have ever seen. And soon stairs started to be formed from them. Stepping down off the clouds was something i had longed to see. A mother, in the truest sense of the word.
Not my "mother" biologically, but the one I called mother willingly.
Her face seemed to drive away anything bad in my mind and heart. Her eyes twinkled with such a light, that even the stars were jealous. Her voice, so beautiful it would rival the greatest symphony, and her hair, like red strands of solid sunlight. Her dress flowed from her body, like a river down a waterfall, and the colors of her seemed as if taken from the most colorful flowers. Her stride more graceful than the swimming swan, and more elegant than anything dared try compare itself to. I smiled as she approached me, on her clouds. "What is it that troubles you this glorious evening my son. Your heart and eyes look as if they have seen the troubles of 1000 lives in but a few days. I know your road has been far from easy my son, but what weighs so heavily on you?" Her voice just seemed beyond Divine, as her white aura enveloped me, filling me with her love. I looked to her eyes, and knew she would help me. "Earth Mother, how can It be, I fell in love, yet lost it almost as quick as it was given to me. Friends. something I had long dreamed of, and was ultimately something that nearly killed me. Have I not learned my lessons well, and have I not had enough suffering. Can't I be happy?" She nodded her understanding, and looked in thought for a moment, as if thinking how to explain things.
"Dear child, you have learned many lessons, and I am sorry it has been so hard on you all these years. Unfortunately in your travels, and lessons and learning, you forgot some of the most basic lessons. Nothing can be taken away from you that you don't willingly give up. Your love is still there, and the one you love still loves you. You've forgotten how to forgive people that have hurt you. You forgive people for many things in your mind, but you have forgotten how to truly forgive someone, and try to move on. You've been so badly hurt, that you shut yourself out from the rest of the world at the same time. This lesson, the lesson of true forgiveness is one you must be willing to learn, or you must be willing to be alone. People are just that. people. They are going to make mistakes. I can't tell you what to do, except to follow your heart where ever it may lead you, and know that no matter where that is, I will always be there with you, for as long as you shall live, and more. Never doubt in that, Never doubt in yourself, and never doubt your heart."
TBC. OK shorter than usual, I know, and only 1 chapter. But I figured this was better than waiting for forever and a day.