Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 34 by Jon
Brian seemed to be thinking, while he was talking. "Jon...." He wasn't sure just what to say. "HMMMMMM HMMM HMM yeah yeah. Baby, please try to forgive me." Flowed from his mouth. "Stay here, don't put out the glow. Hold me now.... Don't bother. If every minute it makes me weaker. You can save me, from the man I've become."
A small tear fell from his eye, as the rest of the guys looked at him, and he nodded. Then they all joined in understanding what he was doing. "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
AJ voice penetrated the room, as the guys softened, looking at Jon, as if asking the same thing as the rest of them, for forgiveness. "sadness, is beautiful. Loneliness is tragic. So help me, I can't win this war, no nooo."
Kevin joined in With AJ, his voice, solemn as his eyes looked down at Jon, as if pleading. "Touch me now don't bother, if every second it makes me weaker. You can save me from the man I've become."
All at once, the five men were harmonizing together "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
Nick's voice seemed to wake me out of my stupor, I realized each man was here, singing these words, and to each one of them, they were asking a different question. "I'm here, with my confession. Got nothing to hide, no more. I don't know where to start. But to show you the shape of my heart!"
Everyone hit the bridge together "I'm looking back, on things I've done. I never want to play the same old part, and keep you in the dark. Now let me show you the shape of my heart."
All the voices blended together again in the chorus "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart."
Then out of no where, as if a tormented soul, from sorrow, and loneliness, and fear, Nick's voice cut in through the chorus "Now let me show you the true shape of my heart" They all were in the end finishing the song off, as a team. "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I play my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart." "The Shape of my heart!" The last line was dragged out, and Brian sang it alone. Looking deep into my eyes, he sang the line.
They all looked at me, as I opened my eyes. Slowly, and carefully, I opened them as I lay in Nick's arms. Gwen was awe struck by the scene, and I must admit, so was i. My whole body was still numb, and I had this overwhelming urge to just let sleep take me. I mustered my voice, trying to remain distant and cold. "That doesn't answer why." I said it. I acted as if the song meant nothing to me. I wanted to know why they did what they did. What possible reason.
My eyes remained locked on Brian. "Jon.... I thought I had lost you, for good. I thought you were dead, and when I heard your voice, I thought you were just trying to make me miserable. I laid in your bed for 3 days, wishing I could hear your voice..." I just stared at him.... "I could never make you miserable, I never stopped loving you, and all I wanted was your happiness, be it with someone else if that is how it had to be."
He dropped to his knee's as the tears flew from his eyes. I still couldn't feel my body, and the urge to sleep was getting greater by the second. My head slowly rolled back in Nick's arms, as did my eyes to my head. I let the numbness consume me, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was far from asleep, but not very awake either. "Jon no, you can't do this, you can't go to sleep and not wake up on us!" Brian shouted at me. He took me in his arms, and stroked my hair lovingly. Kevin, AJ, and Howie just looked onto the scene in a state of horror, almost as if it were just a bad movie. Something from a dream long ago, and yet just a few days ago all at once. Kevin just went into the bathroom, with AJ and Howie staring at him, In a state of utter confusion, as they heard the water start running.
Brian slipped into place, where Nick once held me, feeling how cold my body had gotten, and how lifeless it was. He continued to stroke the hair off my face, and hold me. Half trying to warm my cold body, and half trying to comfort it to where ever it was heading. Kevin knelt down on one knee, and dipped a face cloth into the steaming water, applying the hot towel to my forehead. Everyone else watched in horror, yet Kevin seemed as calm as one could be. Brian did his best not to fall apart and freak out, but he was losing it. "Its going to be OK Brian, he just absorbed a lot of information, and he wasn't so good before we got here either...." And with that Gwen got a look on her face, as if she was going to melt Kevin in his shoes. "BEFORE THIS HE WAS FINE!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, not caring these people were famous, nor did she care how much she'd hate herself later.
They all felt another stare coming at them from the doorway. It was as if the eyes were hitting them all with bullets as they stood there. The face was familiar, yet completely estranged to them. The eyes were narrow slits, as if trying to give the appearance of a snake ready to strike. Two fists balled at her side, as she looked at the scene. Her skin, normally white, seemed to be red hot, as if she would spontaneously combust there on the scene. Her teeth were clenched like a vice, and it was almost as if her two pointed top teeth had grown into fangs as she looked on.
"What did you people do to him!" The voice, one that used to be friendly, seemed to have venom on it. Everyone's jaw's dropped, none having seen this side to Gray. Gwen also got up, her face and features much like Gray's still trying to figure out what to do. Gray started approaching the mass that was my body, and Brian. Her eyes stared at Kevin, as he continued to swab the cloth on my forehead. Kevin had ignored Gracie, after he saw her, turning his attention to trying to wake me up, yet part of him had some idea what was about to happen. Nick got up quickly, remembering what Gray had said earlier to him about killing Kevin. "Gray no, you don't understand." She shook her head no at Nick, and AJ and Howie stood, as if to form some sort of wall. Gray looked at AJ, hatred beaming through her eyes, and he just looked down. The cold eyes soon flared at Howie, and he started to look back, as tears slid down his eyes. He wouldn't budge, he looked her straight in the eyes. He was facing another of his demons, knowing this would have to have happened. "MOVE!" It was a simple word, but the voice behind it, showed she meant business. In a single word she had spoken a book of her intentions. She had made it clear she wanted blood on her hands, and her friend safe from harm.
Gwen looked at Gracie, and stared at her. Gwen's eyes seemed even more pissed at the moment. "Who the hell are you, and what do you think your doing?!?" Nick, Howie, and AJ gasped hearing Gwen. Gwen stared Gracie in the eyes, and balled her fists up, approaching the woman. Grace raised her right eyebrow slightly, and looked at the woman, a bit bewildered as to who she was, but even more amused that she would stand up to her like that. Yes her face showed almost a look of amusement for a moment, but only a moment. "Who do you think you are fooling girl! If I have to single handily go through all of you to get to Jon, and get Kevin away from him, then goddess help you, and hope you caught up on your prayers, cause your gonna meet your maker." Gwen took another defiant step towards Grace. "Well you'd best kill me, cause if you don't I'll be killing you. I'll be damned if I let another person hurt Jon again."
The only thing that registered on Gracie's face was utter shock. Pure and utter shock. "hurt... hurt him. I would never... we've been too close too long. I'm here to help him..." Gwen looked at her suspiciously "Well if your here to help him I suggest you sit down, shut up, and let them do what they're doing. And gods help me, if you guys" looking at them all she continued "hurt him in any way, seems you have two of us that are going to rip you apart." Howie, Nick, and AJ didn't seem to know what to say, or do. They seemed defeated, yet like they'd won all at the same time. Nick went back over to Brian, and sat there with him and Jon, while Kevin tried to keep the cloth warm. Nick grabbed a thick blanket off the bed on the way and covered Brian and Jon up as he did. Rubbing the side of the blanket where my arms where, in an attempt to cause friction, and keep Jon warm. Gray and Gwen started to talk, little things at first, introductions, and who they were, yet both kept a steady eye on Jon and Kevin. Like two little pit bulls, small in stature, but given the need, would rip you apart in nothing flat. They seemed to be hitting it off really well.
Almost 3 hours had passed, and by now Brian was getting really worried. He refused to lose it, while holding me in his arms. Only a few minutes after Gracie had walked in, and they moved me onto the bed, Brian holding me in his arms the whole way. The guys were getting worried I had slipped into a coma, with how cold I was, and how unresponsive I had been. Had it not been for the stray movement of my arm, they would have fully believed it to be a coma. Little by little, Gwen filled in Nick and Gray on what she knew of what had happened, and the guys slowly started to see what the commotion was all about. Gray's eyes seemed to soften a bit as she looked at Gwen, feeling a connection. Nick had the same treatment. AJ and Howie got death looks from her, as did Kevin. Kevin... for the moment brushed it off, but the look in AJ and Howie's eyes betrayed how much it was killing them. They lost Gray for what seems completely now, and they almost lost a dear friend.
The day went on as more of the same. Slowly but surely my body started to warm up under the hot cloth, blanket, and body heat. It was well into the night before I could even open my eyes. As I did, I saw Gray and Gwen watching over me. I was confused as to when and how Gray got here, and I looked to my right to see Kevin holding Nick in a chair. Their eyes were tired, but not sleepy. At the movement of my head, Brian looked at my eyes, to see them opened, causing everybody to look. Just as quickly as they were opened I was fighting the urge to sleep again. I hung my head over the edge, half in an attempt to get up, and half in an attempt to get to the bathroom. As I looked over the edge of the bed, it seemed to go on forever. Like there was no floor. My head started spinning and my stomach joined the wash cycle. Moments later I was heaving up what very little I had eaten in the past few days, along with a lot of blood. As soon as I was done emptying the bile from my stomach, I felt my body getting cold again, and closed my eyes. I couldn't fight the urge to sleep any more than I could have walked to the bathroom at that moment.
A few hours later, I awoke in Brian's arms again. There was an acidic taste in my mouth, but no smell on the ground, so I had to assume someone cleaned it up. I'd figure out who to thank later, for now, I wanted to try to stay awake. I could hear Brian's even breathing and the rise and fall of his chest as he held me. He had been holding me that whole day. There were no lights in the room on, but that never bothered me, I had excellent night sight. I could see Kevin and Nick sleeping, not peacefully, but sleeping nonetheless on the same chair. I carefully moved my head to the left, to see Gray and Gwen on the other bed, and AJ and Howie on the floor, their heads propped on a few jackets as they lay there. I was starting to feel claustrophobic at that moment. I hadn't really had arms around me in awhile, and it was Brian, so it brought back a lot. My senses seemed intact, I could judge distance at the moment, so I took Brian's arms off me, not harshly, but off me. I got out of bed, and into the bathroom. Brian, being the bump on a log he is when he sleeps, didn't seem to notice anything. All the better. As I exited the bathroom all was as I left it. I half smiled at the room. I was hobbling to the bathroom and no one heard me. How typical. With that thought I had to chuckle for a minute.
Clad in my jeans and tee shirt, I walked out onto the balcony and started to look at the stars. The moon was full, and I could feel it's essence overwhelming me. I sat there, basking in the aura of the great Goddess, letting her love fill my troubled and aching heart. Letting her wash away the pain that seemed to keep flaring up in my body. Letting the coldness of the past few months just wash away in her light. Each star seemed to call out softly to me, enveloping me into a song of which no poet has ever dared try to write. I had to smile, as they kept singing to me. I closed my eyes, and let the moon take over me. I saw the visions of some clouds riding into my head, lead by the light of the fullest moon you have ever seen. And soon stairs started to be formed from them. Stepping down off the clouds was something I had longed to see. A mother, in the truest sense of the word. Not my "mother" biologically, but the one I called mother willingly.
Her face seemed to drive away anything bad in my mind and heart. Her eyes twinkled with such a light, that even the stars were jealous. Her voice, so beautiful it would rival the greatest symphony, and her hair, like red strands of solid sunlight. Her dress flowed from her body, like a river down a waterfall, and the colors of her seemed as if taken from the most colorful flowers. Her stride more graceful than the swimming swan, and more elegant than anything dared try compare itself to. I smiled as she approached me, on her clouds. "What is it that troubles you this glorious evening my son. Your heart and eyes look as if they have seen the troubles of 1000 lives in but a few days. I know your road has been far from easy my son, but what weighs so heavily on you?" Her voice just seemed beyond Divine, as her white aura enveloped me, filling me with her love. I looked to her eyes, and knew she would help me. "Earth Mother, how can It be, I fell in love, yet lost it almost as quick as it was given to me. Friends... something I had long dreamed of, and was ultimately something that nearly killed me. Have I not learned my lessons well, and have I not had enough suffering. Can't I be happy?" She nodded her understanding, and looked in thought for a moment, as if thinking how to explain things. "Dear child, you have learned many lessons, and I am sorry it has been so hard on you all these years. Unfortunately in your travels, and lessons and learning, you forgot some of the most basic lessons. Nothing can be taken away from you that you don't willingly give up. Your love is still there, and the one you love still loves you. You've forgotten how to forgive people that have hurt you. You forgive people for many things in your mind, but you have forgotten how to truly forgive someone, and try to move on. You've been so badly hurt, that you shut yourself out from the rest of the world at the same time. In trying to protect yourself from the pain and anguish of being hurt, you've sheltered yourself from the joys and happiness of love. Then when it does hurt you, you shut off to the world, and hide again. If love is what you want, you need to love it back. You need to stop punishing people for the things that have happened to you, and learn to forgive." I nodded my understanding to her, and I tried to smile.
She took me into her arms, showing me the one thing I had desperately needed as a child. Then again as a teenager, and even in that moment. Something I searched long and hard for, yet never found. Love. As she held me, her voice, but a whisper "Go to him my son, and love him. Show him how you feel, and trust in him to do the same." Slowly the arms pulled away, and yet the love never left. It wasn't long before she was gone, and all that was left was her message, her love, and a feeling of purpose. I slowly walked back into the room, and softly sat on the bed. I looked down at Brian, and watched his sleeping form. I had almost forgotten how nice it was to wake up to that face, the look of nothing bothering him. No stress, just happiness, as he dreamed away the night. I smiled still at his ability to sleep through anything, as I crawled back under the covers. I slid back into his arms, and cuddled into his body, closing my eyes, and falling back into a deep sleep, yet the words rang through my heart and ears as I slept... "Go to him my son, and love him. Show him how you feel, and trust in him to do the same."
I woke up to someone shaking me. Slowly my vision cleared, and I could see everyone staring at me. I still felt two arms around me, and instinctively cuddled further into the arms. I could feel the warm breathe on the back of my neck, and my right shoulder. As I looked around the room, everyone's eyes and faces looked relieved I had woken up. "OK what's on my face?" This got everyone to smile. At the same time, everyone was still on edge. "Are you OK?" Came a meek voice. One I had remembered all too well. "Yes Gwen, for the most part." Then my voice got colder "But who is holding me?" As soon as I said it, the arms left, and I silently berated myself for being so cold towards Brian, full well knowing it was him. "I'm... I'm sorry Jon." Then Brian pulled off the bed. I grabbed his hand just before he was off the bed and held it.
"Can I have a few minutes alone with Brian please?" My voice was audible, but it wasn't loud, or commanding. It was a very neutral tone. Without a word by anybody, everyone cleared out of the room, and soon enough it was just me and Brian in the room. Brian softly sat in the bed, a bit bewildered. He looked onto me, and I sat up, still holding his hand, caressing it softly on the top with my thumb, him returning the gesture. "Why can't it just be like this. You and Me, sharing a nice romantic moment. Just holding your hand, and not worrying about sex. Why can't we just be together and let things happen?" It was just me letting my feelings out as they came, instead of holding back "I know sex is important. I'm... scared I guess. Scared to be hurt again Brian. Scared of letting myself fall so totally in love with you, and losing you. Scared that I'm going to give you my heart, and have it handed back to me in shreds." A tear crossed my cheek, and Brian reached up to stop it. No sooner had he, than another took its place. Brian whispered so softly, his accent peeking out more and more as he spoke. "I won't hurt you. All I want to do is to love you. All of you. Your hopes, your fears. Love you for your dreams, and for your nightmares. I just want you to let me in. That's all I've ever wanted Jon, was for you to let me in. Let me love you, let me be with you." I just looked at him. "Can we try again?" I was afraid of his answer, but as I looked into his eyes all the fear left my eyes, and my heart. He merely nodded his agreement and kissed me. "Slowly start over." I reiterated.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 34 by Jon
A few days had passed since the incidents had passed. Jon and Brian had spent most of their time in another room, talking, and repairing their broken relationship. Gracie and Gwen started to talk more about their lives and found they really had a lot in common. Howie and AJ tried to spend as much time around the two as they could. AJ seemed to be taking more interest in Gwen as of late than Gracie, which relieved her a bit, and at the same time made Gwen a bit uneasy. She never had a famous man flirting with her. Nick and Kevin spent most of their time in their room, to make up for all the lost time when Kevin was in jail and so forth, cementing their relationship further.
1 Month Later
Things slowly but surely got back to normal, as the days went on. In the time that had gone by there were a few new changes, One Howie and Gracie had started a relationship of sorts. AJ and Gwen seemed to be on the same path as well. Nick and Kevin were inseparable, and Jon and Brian were on their way once more. The days were long, and the nights were longer. The concerts resumed, and the road called them all once more. The quandary was, would Gwen and Gracie be allowed to come on the tour with them, after all, Jon was there working, the other two wouldn't be. And so comes the meeting, the boys, Jon, Gracie, Gwen and management have been at for over 2 hours.
"Why shouldn't they come? All it means is better shows, since we won't be missing them..." AJ started, but was quickly headed off by management "And you'll be late to engagements." Howie came in "Would you rather us taking off, without notice to go see Gracie and Gwen, being gone for however long we so deem?" Management had to put some thought into that, and looked at the guys "We have your guarantee, you'll be where your scheduled, and not late?" "Within reason" Kevin answered for the group knowing sometimes your going to be running late no matter what happens. Management nodded their heads in agreement, and the smiles on everyone's face was apparent. Then all management looked at Jon. "How is the recovery coming? You really have been through hell and back with us." I just closed my eyes and nodded, remembering all the things I had seen over the past 3 months. "Were glad you made it to the court room when you did, bailed us out in the nick of time." Again I nodded, stood up and walked out without saying a word. The physical wounds had healed, but the emotional wounds were wide open and festering with the days. Parts of me thought I should let it all out, and get the pain in the open, but part of me knew things were going good for the guys, and they didn't need my stuff on top of it all.
I walked out the building, and smelled the "fresh" air, and slumped down. My body and soul had been aching to get into a nice forest, or a nice dam, and just be surrounded by nature, but the chances of that were slim to none at this point. The LA. Leg of the tour had started, and I knew getting out to the places I loved most, required me to be on the East coast. I started Aimlessly walking the streets thinking about the past month, and how things were going so well with Brian, yet at the same time, missing all the other things in life. In the month that had passed, many conversations were held in the pitch of night with the mother goddess trying to figure out how to fix my thoughts and feel better. All the while looking onto Brian, trying to protect him from the deep dark recesses of my mind. And to keep the hurt locked away till a better time presented itself to tell him about everything. As I walked I found myself in a large park, with a water fountain in the center of a small lake. It was a woman, and a fairy, water shooting from a bucket the woman carried. I smiled as I looked at the fountain, it looked like something I had done long ago, calling to the fairy spirits, and talking for hours. Part of me wondered if there were fairies in the small pond, then my intuition got the better of me, and just said "duh" knowing there were fairies everywhere.
I kept walking through the park for what seemed like hours, though off in the distance I heard a cell phone ringing. It seemed as if it was so close, yet so far away. I shook my head, and realized it was my phone going off, and it was dark out. It figures, I would lose track of time in my thoughts. I had to smile though, it had been awhile since I had done that. Walked and gotten lost in thoughts. After what seemed like the 10th ring, I answered the ringing phone "Hello?" I was greeted with a familiar if not somewhat worried voice. "Yes Nick?" "Where have you been, we ended the meeting after you left, but no one saw which way you went. We figured you'd be at the hotel, still nothing after dinner. We rang you earlier. What's going on?" I smiled at his worry "I'm on a plane, and I had to shut off the phone during the takeoff and main flight." "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON A PLANE!" he screamed into my ear, echoed by Brian, then Kevin. "I'm beating off here thinking about a cute blonde.... From N SYNC." I chuckled to myself, living this up. "Ohhhh, your leaving Brian for Lance?" I heard some slap Nick... hard, and a deep voice on the phone. "tell me he didn't say that right before Brian kills my man Jon." "Kev I am in the park, I've been here all day walking and thinking and lost the time. I should be at the hotel sometime tonight or tomorrow, who knows. I just need some time alone." "That's understandable. Just remember tomorrow we leave on the bus at 8AM and if you miss that, you might have a few problems... and Gracie says when you get back she's gonna kick your ass for the heart attack. Gwen says way ta go, Howie wants to pimp slap ya, and AJ is menacingly shaking a bottle of hair dye. So you have a lot to expect now." "Yeah Kev, your REALLY making me want to come back before that bus." "oh NO you didn't, your ass BETTER be back here in Brian's arms before we..." I hung up the phone, and shut it off.
I was still at the fountain as the sun started to rise. It was beautiful to watch the sun coming into view. Having known where I was, it was amazing they left me alone this long. I was happy to have the peace and quiet that I was getting tho. It was like a much needed vacation. At the same time, I needed more, and less. Besides it was nearing 7:30 by my watch. Thankfully I live out the luggage, so they wouldn't have to pack much of my stuff. I boarded the bus without checking in with everyone, and went right to the bathroom and closed the door. Time to run a scare, and kept the light off. I had to chuckle as I heard the bus being boarded. I could hear Gracie and Gwen talking something about getting even, AJ talking about me having mid-knight blue hair, and Kev and Nick were talking with Brian. "He'll get there Brian, he is working, and when have we known him to miss work? He's resourceful. Besides, its His choice." Brian just nodded his head, and went to his bunk to catch up on his sleep. I could feel the bus start to move, and I knew we were on our way. I figured it was only an hour, 2 at most before someone needed the bathroom. I could still hear my name mentioned in the front by Nick and Kev. "I can't believe he hung up on me... and now he isn't here." "Well Kev, he needs some time, besides, it is his choice." I walked out the bathroom, and looked at Nick and Kevin. "Yeah it's my choice if I show up or not." I smiled, and watched their mouths hang open. "After all, I am resourceful, and I needed some time to myself. Truth be told I still do, but life goes on." They still sat there staring. As AJ, Gracie and Gwen made their way towards the back of the bus, they too sat there staring. "Do I have a ghost behind me, or is it something on my face? Yall need to learn it's not nice to stare. AJ, you touch my hair, and you may not live to regret it... if you live, it won't be a happy existence." They all looked at me harder. I just smiled. I walked off into the bunks. "This a bed for 2?" A groggy Brian answered "Yeah if Jon was here it would be, but he's not, so let me sleep." "Ok, let me know when I get here then so I can come to bed." With that I left the area, and sat down on the couch. As I sat down, the fatigue of the day and night went to my head, and all the thoughts flooded through my body. The tears started to fall, and I laid down. Everything started to spin and my head was throbbing. I started fiercely rummaging through my bag to find my aspirin to control the migraine, as I got the bottle, I grabbed 10 pills, downed them and laid back. I just let the tears fall, and the images come. I wanted sleep to take me in the worst way, but it refused.
About an hour later, I saw Brian walk into the bathroom, and look to the couch. He looked over, then went to the bathroom. He didn't even see me, well now I know where I belong. He went back to the bunks, and looked again as he went by, still not seeing me. Rubbing his eyes, he looked back over to me, and I attempted a smile. All I could see, was a bunch of visions of the past few months. Part of me smiled at some of the memories, and parts of me died again inside. It was killing me to hold all this in. He came over, as if he was still dreaming. "Am I awake?" "Pinch yourself and find out." "Yup I'm awake" As he sat down by my feet, he looked up at me. "What's wrong?" I just shook my head no, this wasn't the time. "You ok?" Again I shook my head no, and he just got that look in his eyes as if he too was dying inside. "you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to wait again?" I just looked at him. I wanted to tell him, but now just wasn't the time. I closed my eyes and looked up at the island paradise before me once more, feeling my conscious body slip away, and my dream body form.
TBC.... Well here we are again, and here we go again. Please write, I love mail, and look for me on A MidSummer Night's Kiss. Jon