Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com, if not lemme know why, same address.
Another Posting less than a year away... wow... go me!!! Anyhow here it is, here we go, have fun, enjoy and email me. To the new readers who emailed me of late, thanks, its good to know I have a few readers still... Yuli, if your still out there e-mail me gurl! I tried mailing you and nothing came back ? also... I have been ignoring the Wiccan path that jon is on... and as it has become much more of my life.. you will see more in the story.
P.S. Kleenex Issue -- you've been warned
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 41 by Jon
I sat and read some of my book. Well... I tried to. It had bee 4 hours, and I was only one page further than when I started. To the guys credit, I hadn't heard a peep from anyone. Not the girls... I heard them on the bus visiting... but they left me be. Either they were learning to give me space, Gracie had stepped in, or Brian had. Regardless, I had the space I needed for the day to process things. I'd like to say when I opened that door I was ok with everything, that I had forgiven Brian, and I was ok with his not being there... but I wasn't. I wish I could say I came to terms with what happened... again I hadn't. I felt somehow dirty and wrong about it. That's one of the main reasons sex was an issue with me... it made me feel dirty to think about. Practicing it seemed to make it worst in the little ways I had.
I noticed the girls were gone... and I noticed 5 sets of eyes on me. Three from the living room area, and two from the kitchen. I had no idea what to say to them, so I shrugged, gave one of the patented could be worst half smiles that were forced, and sat down still being quiet. I was working on the silence being the better part of valor... I wasn't sure what I could say to anyone to appease them since it wasn't easy to express what I was feeling. So I just sunk into the chair in hopes it would be a quiet evening. I watched Brian and Nick playing the game Brian was obviously better at; well I was looking in that direction anyhow. I was looking through the TV not at it. Kevin sat beside me, and gave me a hug in an attempt to at least be there... and I leaned into him.
I felt like I was sinking into him. He was like the big brother I should have had... one who cared. My own was nothing like that, in the end he was as cruel and vicious as mom. It still amazed me that after all this time... all the things I had done, places I had been... they still got to me. In dreams I saw them, I still thought about them... usually when I was feeling down on myself they were in my thoughts, and not lifting those feelings.
As I sank further into him, I could feel the tears coming, I don't know if he saw them as I wasn't shuddering, they were tears but cold tears. Not frantic sobbing tears. I doubt any of them would understand if I told them what I was going through... which shouldn't have stopped me considering the last year of sharing. But it was increasingly hard to share much more of my past, and these were things they never had to deal with. They had their families still... and they were supported. It was times like this I missed the stability of a non-moving home, missed my meditation room, missed the family I never had... and didn't know how to express what I was feeling outside of need. What Brian did added to that feeling of abandonment right now... I wanted to curl into him... but I felt I would be sick if he touched me right now.
I turned around, crawling up into Kevin's lap in a ball and let the tears come. At first, he felt a bit rigid and uncomfortable... but it was only a few minutes before his hand was gently rubbing my back. Likely right about the time when the wetness went through his shirt and he realized I was crying. I knew I had been in Kevin's lap at least an hour... and though I really didn't want him to, I was shocked Brian hadn't even made the attempt to try and help me... I'm not sure if it hurt more, or if it made me angrier. Hearing the game off... I was slowly getting a bit more miffed. I looked up at Kevin with my puffy red and stinging eyes, he knew something was bothering me. He just had that look in his eyes like he wished he knew what it was. So I whispered to him with a dry throat "Where did Brian go?" Somehow I knew I wouldn't like the answer. I just knew I shouldn't have asked. "He's in the back room." Kevin said, sympathy on his voice and face. "Thanks" I said simply and hugged him tight for letting me cry, and for the first time on this tour, I used my bunk, closing the individual curtain daring someone to try and open it and lose a body part.
Turning on the radio to a country station... I had been really getting into the whole country ballad thing... ok I was into almost any kind of ballad... but this was very enjoyable. I still felt ignored, and sick. I felt hurt... and I hardly slept that night. I cried for most of it. The little sleep I did get the dreams were odd at best, and the staring line- up was my family. Let me tell you, not conducive to a restful sleep. Add into that sleeping alone, and my night basically sucked.
I woke up early the next morning... earlier than Kevin even. Or I should say I couldn't fall back asleep early. It was about 5 in the morning, and the bud just kept on going. Looking out the window I felt so insignificant. The space and time passed by, but there was no mark I was there, and I knew it would keep going on be it if I was there or not. Some days that feeling is great. Today it was a horrible way to start off. It was times like this I wished I liked coffee. So I made myself some Apple Cider, heating it up which made it like a real yummy tea. Added a little cinnamon, and off I went. I felt like shit, physically and mentally. I was just waiting for something to happen to make it worst. Luckily I had reined in my empathy so I wasn't projecting it to make others feel like crap... but at the same point, I knew when they woke up I would draw in their negativity if they had any. There were days I could feel or sense I would have little control over my empathy... today was one of those days. Add into it that Mercury was in Retrograde for a week, and had 3 left to go, I was looking at a WONDERFUL month. Did I mention how sarcastic I was feeling? I knew this was going to be a stressful time for me. Mercury in Retrograde was always a disaster.
Deciding after the cider, I was hungry I started to make another omelet, after all I only ate part of one yesterday morning, no lunch, no dinner. After cooking, eating, and cleaning up I started a pot of coffee, I knew Kevin would be up any time now, and I also wanted to thank him for yesterday. I wasn't in a mood to talk much... and I wasn't sure how to deal with Brian at the moment. But I knew life went on, and I had to do something. Just as the coffee was percolating Kevin went into the bathroom. Soon as he came out the pot was almost done filling, and he could smell it. A smile lit up his face as I got him a mug, sugar ad crème and let him sit down making the coffee for him. Living with the guys so much I knew who liked their coffee how. After all when they were busy often times I would get them drinks to be nice, and help the assistants out. I sat down with Kevin, having also heated up some more of my cider, and let him finish waking up before saying anything.
"Morning" I said. Ok I really didn't want to talk, but I needed to thank him... so I started off light. "Good morning, and thanks for the coffee... how long have you been up?" I shrugged before answering "A few hours... most of the night. Your pick really." He looked... disturbed by the way I said that. I could see the questions on his face, and shook my head saying I didn't want to talk about it. "Are we on the road all day today?" I was curious what was going on. "Yup, today tomorrow, and the next day we stop at about noonish depending on the time we make and have an interview at 2:30 with a radio station. 3 days In a hotel, 2nd day a rehearsals and a few interviews, and the 3rd day a concert." I nodded "City?" checking his schedule... he didn't know everything off the top of his head "Chicago area." I nodded again kissed him on the forehead, hugged him "Thanks for letting me cry yesterday" and walked off into the back room closing the door and locking it. I needed more alone time, and frankly I wasn't ready to deal with everything right then. I figured now would be a god time for prayers, meditation... and trying to work through a few issues. Besides, there was no way I could deal with Brian. Before I left the kitchen I had set up 4 mugs with the creamer and sugar in the cups, knowing who liked what so all they had to do was pour when they got out of bed in a few minutes... or when Kevin got them out of bed was more likely.
Lighting a red candle, debating if I wanted to try and do a full ritual... and for what, or to meditate and try and draw out the negativity. Opening my bag I grabbed one of my glass encased red candles... knowing if we hit a bad bump and it was knocked over, it wouldn't set fire to the bus. Lighting the wick, I stared into the flame. Nothing existed but me, and the flame. Letting my mind slowly switch into meditation mode, and my body slowly switch down to a trance like state, where the stimuli in the area were blocked to a low buzz, leaving me alone with my thoughts so I could sort through them, and attempt to deal with them. In my mind, I saw all the images of thoughts that were bothering me. The deal with Brian, the dreams, the feelings sex brought to me.
I just stared into the fire... it was calming ever since childhood fires were calming. I had to smile despite myself. Vaguely I heard a few knocks at the door... though it was in on ear and out the other. I barely heard them, and could almost think I imagined it. It must have been calls for dinner and lunch cause when I finally came back to my surroundings, the candle had dwindled significantly (they were 7 day candles... so they burned for a long time) and it was dark outside. Pitch dark. I got up, stretching; sitting that way was too much for that long. Yawning from the lack of sleep the night before I opened the door, holding the freshly snuffed candle in my hand, putting it up in my bag, and then looking into the living room. All 5 of them again looking at me. I nodded, and went to the kitchen to make something simple to eat... ate it, and then went to my own bunk again. I was too tired, and still to confused to try and share my feelings with everyone, not to mention seeing Brian still made my stomach knot up and make me queasy.
Laying down I said a few prayers to the goddess hoping for some decent sleep. I would be a wreck come morning if I had another day of no sleep. As relaxing, and restful as meditation is, it's not a substitution for sleep though. As my head hit the pillow, a few pent up tears traced down my face, remembering some of the times that have come and gone, the friends who have come and gone. It was an odd reliving of things of the past... but I did eventually fall asleep while tears still fell.
It was a few hours after Jon had gone to bed; the guys had been in the living room most of the day doing movies and generally just being friends. Brian was sulking around most of the day but the guys were trying to figure out how to help Brian. Brian got up as he too was being just quiet today, and went to the bunks. He opened Jon's curtain, seeing the tearstains dried on his cheeks and pillow, and kissed his forehead before climbing into his own bunk for another nights sleep alone. He had barely gotten much sleep the night before either, and he was almost sure this night would be the same. He just curled into the bed pillows, smelling the last bit of scent on the pillows of Jon. One the plus side, Jon didn't run away yet and was still doing nice things like the coffee... on the down side, he was being closed off and silent. Making things impossible to figure out. Brian too fell asleep with tears in his eyes wondering how to fix things.
Jon got up far too early once again. At least some sleep came to him... so he went back to the kitchenette, knowing they were stopping to refuel soon as the bus driver told him, they could get food from the food court. So I made myself another cup of hot cider to start the day and then got the coffee going, knowing it was a matter of minutes till Kevin got up, then the rest of the guys, and it was an hour till they get to the breakfast stop. I set up 5 cups, and put the fixings into them once again as the coffee started to draw into the pot. I never understood how people could drink it... then again most people thought I was strange for drinking hot apple cider too, so to each their own I suppose. I curled up in the living room on the couch after catching a quick shower, getting clothes before I went into the shower, and getting dressed afterwards. I came out of the bathroom, and curled up on the couch just thinking as the guys all grunted their good mornings and heading to the kitchen for coffee. It was like an unwritten rule that the first one up would make coffee..., which generally meant Kevin was on coffee duty each day. As they drained their first cup, and all started to go in for refills, they filtered into the living room and taking assorted seats. Kevin was next to me, with Nick cuddled up close. AJ and Howie too the other couch and Brian sat on the floor in front of the couch I was on. He made no attempt to talk to me... and I tried to pretend he wasn't there cause I didn't know what to say or do still. The tension was thick and I could tell everyone was uncomfortable. I looked over at Nick "Why don't you put on the TV, I'm sure everyone would rather be playing games, or a movie or something." He nodded, I guess since I was there first they figured it would be rude to put the TV on if I hadn't. Nick went to flick on a videogame and I saw Kevin shake his head no... I guess he was thinking the fight was over the games. I don't think anyone grasped what was going on. I mean only part of this was about Brian... but a big part that bothered me.
Rather than let him stew ad be upset... since some of this... well half of this wasn't his fault, I gently ran my fingers through Brian's hair to try and make him feel better. I wasn't smiling as this would usually make me do... and it didn't comfort me like it normally would. But I could see and feel him relaxing into the couch, so at least he was feeling better. I could also feel the other guys relax a bit. For my part, my stomach was in knots, and I felt a strong urge to throw up... but I kept it all in check sipping my cider I my other hand. Kevin gave me a questioning look so I knew he at least knew something wasn't right. I just shook my head at him, it still wasn't time. He kept the brow raised, but noticed at least I wasn't locked away in the back room anyhow which was a start.
Eventually Brian looked up at me and smiles... and in an attempt to be nice, I smile back at him. I know they all knew that smile... and his face dropped a bit seeing the fake smile. I sighed hoping things were going to be at least as semi-comfortable as they were right now... this I was managing to handle... if barely. Well it was a hope doomed from the start I suppose.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 42 by Jon
Brian looked at me, staring into my eyes "You said you wouldn't run away... and physically you haven't... you locked your self away. You're not talking to anyone. We all know something is bothering you. What's going on Jon? What's bothering you so much?" I shook my head no at him. I knew speaking now could lead me to saying something I would regret. I let the tears that wanted to fall escape my eyes... I just needed something and I wasn't sure what... did I dare talk about it? I decided that silence was again the better part of valor, got up and sat back in the room, closing ad locking the door again bringing my bag to the couch.
First I pulled out my small dragon statue from my suitcase with the majority of my witching supplies. And placed him on the table looking in. If I was going to use dragon magic, I needed to place the dragon where he could see everything. Dragons are curious, and they like to nose in and see everything going on. Which I had nothing against since I was calling on the dragons for some self-confidence. Pulling out 3 taper candles, one orange, one red, and one deep purple, and a pumpkin carving kit (great to use to inscribe on candles). First inscribing strength on the red candle, Self-Assurance on the purple candle, and success on the orange candle. Taking my container of dragon's blood essential oil, I first anointed the red candle from the middle down, then the middle out. The middle down to draw energy to myself, and then out to release the energy when the candle was lit. While anointing the candle, each one, three times I chanted soft enough not to be announcing to the world, but not so soft it was impossible to hear. This would keep people from banging, or trying to unlock the door too get in. so I chanted as I anointed "Dragons of Power, Dragons of Light. Dragons of Wisdom, Dragons of Night. Lend me your magic, Lend me your Aid. Lend me your guidance as this spell is made." Taking a golden paint pen, and a good sized piece of black fabric, I started to draw the runes on the outside of what would be the outside of the pouch. Setting the candles in their holders in a triangle, I lit their wicks. The runes were Sigel: for strength and self- confidence, Lagu: for increased vitality and life-force, and Is: for development of will. Taking some iron shavings out of a small vial I poured some onto the center of the cloth. Charging the shavings With strength. Taking out a citrine, I held it in my hand picturig myself with self determination thus charging the stone, and placing it in the center of the black cloth as well (the side without the runes). I repeated this with a piece of rose quartz, only envisioning self-esteem into it. And then an Amethyst with courage and placed it in the center.
Gathering the for corers of the fabric, closing the bag carefully sew it shut with orange string, then purple, then red. Holding this pouch over the red candle (carefully here as to not set it on fire) and setting fire to the herbs Cinnamon: for personal power, bay for success, and catnip for happiness, I spoke "For Courage." Then passing it over the incents, and the orange candle "For Success". Finally passing it over the incents then the purple candle "For Self-Assurance". Then I held the bag feeling the self-confidence and courage surrounding myself and the bag pulsing with the energies... repeating the dragon chant while I envisioned. When I finally was satisfied, I thanked the dragons for their help... and I would hang the bag in the first place I would see it in the morning, ad the last thing I see at night... but that would be later.
Picking my book back up... I began to read... and let the energies I had cast start to seep in. I HAD to talk to him. I needed him in ways I was scared to admit. I needed him in ways I never thought I would need anyone... and that thought scared me as well. Taking a deep breath and putting the book down on the table, I snuffed the candles. Yes snuffed, not blew out. And walked out the door, letting the incents smell fill the room on the bus. It smelled good, and unless someone complained, I drew energy from them... confidence from them, and hopefully be able to take care of this.
With another sigh I sat back down... he looked up from his game at me. At least he noticed me from his game. I patted the seat next to me. I didn't bother trying to hide the emotions on my face. He needed to know I was hurt, confused, and scared. Though I must have looked like a psycho with all those emotions running around my face... I just waited and let him make the next move. When he wet back to his game, I just shook my head. If he thought the game was more important so be it. It only took a few minutes for Nick to finish killing Brian in their game of Mortal Kombat. Here I would fid out if he wanted to talk, or if I should leave him be, and go talk to Howie and Kevin. When he started another game, I took it as a sign to buzz off, which I dutifully did. I went to the kitchen and started to make something to eat. Just some hamburgers fried up, bacon relish and mayonnaise. Ok, so it was several burgers, cause every time I finished frying one Kevin would ask for one, then Howie... then Kevin again then Howie... then Kevin asked if I would be kind enough to make Nick two. Finally they were all fed minus Brian who was either making his own, coming out to ask me, or sharing Nick's. So I cooked more bacon first, then two more burgers slapping hands away as they tried to steal pieces of bacon when they thought I was too busy to wrap a wooden soon against their knuckles.
As if on cue, as I sat down to start eating Brian timidly came out to the kitchen as I figured Nick stopped playing to eat. "Mind making me a few of those?" I raised a brow at him then got up and started cooking. "Why not, I'm sure your anxious to get back to your game. After all, who could compare with getting killed in Mortal Kombat?" With that I fried up some more bacon, and yet more burgers for Brian letting him dress the buns himself as all the others had... then I went back to the table to eat... not caring to talk anymore at the moment. And watching him retreat back into the living room.
Sitting back at the table, I lost my appetite, eating anyhow so I wouldn't be hungry later, but I wasn't enjoying it, and just going through the motions. It was looking like another night alone. Luckily I still insisted on having my own room in the hotel, I think I would even after he came out publicly and we were announced as together... if that day ever comes. Just in case of times like this. Dinner time was coming around, and I knew we were stopping to refuel and the guys were going to a restaurant for dinner instead of cooking something in the small dinnerette or doing the fast food deal again. As they got off the bus, they went to eat ad invited me along. I shook my head, and went to a different restaurant in the opposite direction. As I was about to get my table I was tapped on the shoulder, so I turned around to tell whomever it was that the guys weren't with me, or that I wasn't interested in anything other than my table, a waitress, and my menu when I saw Kevin standing there with a grin on his face. He held his hand up with 2 fingers to the waitress to indicate a table for two and not one.
We sat down at the table and got our menus and drinks. I finally looked up at him. "Not that I mind the company right now... but why aren't you with the other guys in the restaurant?" He looked over at me and shrugged. "You looked like you could use the company, and you were obviously not going to join us. Brian didn't appear to be coming with you so I decided I would. I mean after all I should thank you for making coffee for me the past few days. And everyone else for that matter. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the help... but why have you been up so early lately... and sleeping in your own bunk?" I took a deep breath... drawing on the courage I had asked for earlier... and squeezing the pouch in my pocket to help me. "That's a long story that will likely take all of diner, dessert, and coffee after wards... and I'm sure it's going to sound silly to you." He just raised a brow "Well we have time ad I'd like to listen... I can decide for myself what's silly and what isn't."
With that we ordered our food, and he gestured for me to start talking to him. "Well this isn't easy to explain... as I am still trying to sort through my feelings right now." He decided to cut in here "Well tell me what you can and we will go from there." I shook my head at him "I was trying to. As I was saying. It's hard to explain, as I'm still sorting things out. I'm sure it must seem odd to you that Brian and I have been together 2 years and a little more, and still haven't had sex. To anyone it would seem odd... even me." He nodded... so I continued. "You see... sex is hard for me. It makes me feel dirty... wrong. It makes me feel like I shouldn't be there enjoying it. And I know I am wrong to feel that way cause sex isn't wrong. It's not right... but certainly not wrong. Especially when you love the person... but I can't help how it makes me feel. Every time I even do something remotely sexual with someone they abandon me. Even Brian if you can believe it." By this point diner had come, and gone... we had been eating around talking... or rather he ate, I talked. He ordered coffee... I got a Frappe to try and settle my stomach. "Last night I thought he realized how much I needed him there with me after what we did... I thought he understood what I told him. It may not have been full intercourse, but it was enough. I was vulnerable... I laid myself out to him. I should have expected things to turn badly there after. I was clinging to him most of the night... I hardly slept I was so scared he was going to go away then. I must have finally nodded off in the very late hours of morning, I remember seeing the sun start coming up when I was finally drifting off."
I took a good drink off the Frappe... and again the tears were falling. "I woke up a few hours later... and he was playing a stupid videogame with Nick. As if somehow that game was more important than I was... I was crushed. I needed him there. It the same problems... he's not there when I need him... and he's there when I need to be alone, just like before... only this time I TOLD him I needed him there. He didn't notice me crying in your lap... and earlier I invited him to come sit with me... and again that stupid game was more important to him. It wasn't too important for him to ask me to cook for him though. Kevin, I can't have sex with him. I don't even know how to be in the same room with him right now. He ties my stomach in knots to see him. I tried... and he ignored me. It's hard enough not being able to tell anyone about us... but it's harder when he can't be there for me when he COULD be there. I hate hiding us being together... I hate how sex makes me feel... and I hate how I feel now because I feel abandoned. Not just abandoned... but pushed aside for a videogame. That says a lot about me doesn't it? Add into that my dreams... the fact I've hardly slept in a few weeks... I just stare into the night... and when I do sleep, I wish I hadn't. The dreams are getting to be too much for me. I'm wearing down. I NEED him... and he's not there. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps he should get another boyfriend... one who can handle the closet act, can handle the hot and cold. Can give him the physical aspect of a relationship... and not think twice about it. One who won't feel cast off when he is ignored. He needs a housewife... and that's not me."
He just stared at me. I could feel it as much as I could see it... so I put my eyes down and looked into my Frappe. I was holding it together... barely... but I was. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but nothing came out. He took a sip of coffee, and tried again. "You told him you needed him... and he ended up playing a game... twice?" I nodded. "Well that's... wow. I'm sorry." I shook my head "Don't be Kev. This isn't your fault." He just sat there stupefied. I cold see the gears in his mind turning. I went up and paid for the dinners, and left the waitress a tip at the register, and walked out the restaurant, heading for the bus. I grabbed something for the driver at the fast food stop. I know its cheesy to spend like fie dollars on a guy for dinner at a fast food joint, when I spent forty five for me and Kevin and I hadn't touched mine. Grant you mine was in a bag I could heat up later if I got hungry... I got him a drink too, and headed for the bus. Handing him the food and drink, I saw his eyes light up. "Thanks Jon I was going to run in after fueling up and rush through eating to get on the road." "No problem." And I kept going onto the bus, heading to the back couch, leaving the door open and opening my book. I think I opened it more to make it look like I was doing something rather than to be doing something.
I heard the other guys coming on. Kev came on about 10 minutes before the rest. He checked in on me... but didn't say anything to me. Just left me to my devices. 10 minutes later the herd of elephants boarded laughing and yelling and making a ruckus. It sounded like they had a really good time. I was sorry Kevin missed it. Lord knows I wasn't great company for him. I put on a CD and just let the music flow into my mind... as it wandered, so too did my consciousness. Didn't want to sleep and dream, so instead I let my mind wander on its own while m body recharged.
TBC
And there my folk's is where I will stop for now. Amazing 2 posts so close together huh? Well if my health starts getting better soon I may be able to write more... I apologize for the erratic posting... but I write when I can and when the story wants to come. I've learned not to force my writing, its best this way. See ya soon... please write me feedback, it may not seem to important, but it let's the authors know people are reading the story. Which helps us want to write more. Also it lets us know what you think.
- Jon -