OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com, Or if for some reason it doesn't work...use Zelgadyss@hotmail.com, with good or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident. Also a few side notes. Please do not reproduce this, or place it, post it, or otherwise reproduce it without EXPRESS written consent of the author. All songs are original, copywritten and abide by any and all laws thereof. If permission is granted to reproduce (And I'm not really gonna say no if it's legit, but ask first) it must be reproduced whole. Other than that, those are the legalities, and on with the show (sorry I HAD to)
Well here it is, the anticipated part 15. There will be AT LEAST 1 new song I have written...possible more. All songs that are original are written by me, so I hope you like em J also thanx to those authors that nominated me...i was shocked to say the least that I made it for best plot J. Also I wish to thank all who have voted for me, Special thanx once again to my friend CJ..my best friend, on and off-line Gracie J, Katie ma new reader, Brian..and yes I will call you again, LOL (Bet yall thought I meant Littrell eh?..wouldn't mind finding a reason and a phone number to call him tho..lol) Grayson..your advice and shoulders are much appreciated, as I know in the world, if nothing else I have good friends. JM, what can I say, your story inspired me, you inspire me with yourself. Your such a nice person, the world could use more o you J. To all my readers, I'd be no where without you, and all my unmentioned friends your always in my heart. So on with the story J.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 15 by Jon
As I started to Drift into my dream world, I heard his singing. The soft, melody..his sweet voice. His words carried me off into the sweetest of dreams. I heard Brian's words all throughout my dream, as they echoed in my mind. He had mentioned making a few new songs..and one called "One True Love (A Lovers Lullaby)," but I never heard it. Was this it? Was this his song? All I knew is it was beautiful..as the words went on again.
"Waaaaaay deep in my heart I found a love, that was real Deeeeeeep in my soul, The feelings there, Taking all control. Strength, so strong of heart. I make this wish, by the first star."
His first verse sent chills down my back, even in my dream world. I felt as if nothing could bother me, no one could hurt me. As long as I had Brian, I didn't care where I had to go, what I had to do. I knew I would give him my all...life included if the time came to be. I knew leaving with him was the best chance I ever took.
"Here and now this day, I promise you I'll stay, >From you never will I stray, My one true love. Never to be gone, Promise I'll be strong, These feelings are too strong, My One True Love."
He was taking the time to put me too a deep sleep, I saw his face in my dreams, like my guardian angel, he was there. Watching me, protecting me, loving me. I'd go thru it all 1,000 times more if I had to, just to be with him. It would all be worth it, as you have one person out there that's perfect for you..and here he was..in the flesh.
"Look into your heart, Forever more, Cause there I'll be. Never going away, Right here I'll stay For all eternity, This is a promise, from me to you, My heart so true, My one true love."
After that I had drifted off, too far to hear the rest, but I knew he had kept singing. I wished I could have stayed awake to hear the rest, but I knew I would eventually hear it. (yes that means you too will hear it J )) I remember dreaming a great dream that Night. I was a Phoenix again..I saw my rebirth, but then I saw what came with it. All the happiness, and all the healing. I knew I was finally starting to heal the emotional wounds.(thanx to you guys..I am healing inside a lot, I have written a lot in my journals and in the form of new songs that have said things I was always so afraid to say...you guys, this story..its been so much good for me J hope it has helped you to) As I flew around, the flames around me got bigger, they weren't hot, they were soothing. As if the flames were lifting me to a higher awareness, I felt myself growing, on the inside...where my true beauty, and powers lie. I felt my heart, my greatest feature was growing as well. I felt a strong aura around me, an aura I hadn't felt before, I felt Brian there. I felt his love, and how deep it was. I felt his heart beat, as mine beat in sync with his. It felt like our souls were meant to be together. I also felt a smile spread across my face, as my features changed. My twisted, hurt body started to blossom, into the most beautiful being ever seen. The flames colors flowed into each other. The reds and yellow's and blues and white's started to mesh together in a definite pattern. I could feel all the good in the change, and all the good in my heart. It was at this point, I knew it was time. I had held back for so long, and every time I stopped, I had really wanted to go forward. I decided to find a time..and we would make it special...my mind started formulating ideas, as I slowly awoke, remembering my whole dream to it's entirety.
My eyes slowly stirred open, to see Brian's gazing eyes staring at me. He smiled, as did I... I rubbed my eyes a bit and decided to be the first to speak. "Brian, have you slept yet?" He shook his head yes. "You've been asleep for two days Babe, but I wanted to be here when you woke up." He smiled and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. He had a sparkle in his eyes. I think he had entered my dream..maybe on accident, when he was asleep I pulled him in..when I felt his presence so strongly, maybe it really was there. Stranger things have happened. Besides, I have felt a closeness to him like none other. Its almost as if our souls were meant to be as one, as if out hearts were meant to beat as one, as if out very essence was cut from the same mold. I knew that he was worth fighting for. I knew that no matter the cost, I cannot give this man up without a fight. And if I lose that fight, then he will be in the happier place, where he belonged.
Just then I saw Gracie walk in, and I smiled weakly to her. She had this way about her, that always seemed to make me feel a bit better. Maybe its because we have been such good friends, or because we've been thru hell and back together. Either way, I know that she had a way about her that could make me smile without more than a look. We read each other, we could tell what the other was feeling. In her eyes I saw she just wanted to protect me, and I was assured of this when she took a seat in the corner and watched over me, letting Brian be close to me, but know she was there, and me know she was watching over me, like I would do of her. As Gracie sat on the side of my room, kind of in the corner, watching over me like the hawk that keeps an eye on it's prey before it strikes. She sat there, just watching making sure I was OK. Brian held my hand the whole way while I fought a battle with the lord of Nightmares so that I wouldn't be plagued this night by nightmares. I had heard the door crack open a bit, but I was far from aware who was there. Not that it mattered at that point because all I wanted at the moment was sitting right beside me. My best friend and Lover, What more could a person ask for? Well this person was totally satisfied as I heard Brian humming to me, as if to send me to a deep, peaceful sleep. He hadn't noticed the person that walked into the room, but Gracie had. Her eyes were glued to the sleek, thin figure as she walked in. I noticed an uneasy feeling about the room as I looked over to Gracie, as I was out of it...but not to out of it to notice. She had this evil look on her face, as she looked at the door. I slowly looked out the door as if to see my mother standing there, but to my shock and surprise it was someone I had seen but once in a picture. It was LeAnne Wallace, with Tyke in her arm. Well more like in her coat. She slowly walked in, and stood by Brian's side, as I now too had a real uneasy feeling. He looked over to see who was there, and when he saw her, he got a look of utter disgust. He shrugged her hand off his shoulder, coldly, and quickly, as her mere presence there made him ill.
She started to talk in hushed whispers, but by now I was on full defense and my ears perked to hear it. Gracie had a look of "I'm gonna swing baby, hold me back." So I looked on with interest, and Brian knew I was quite interested on how he was going to react to her presence. Well to my surprise he asked her to leave the room. "Not here LeAnne, it's far from the right place, and quite more so not the right time." He spoke in hushed tones, as if to keep me from waking. I looked at him, and then I spoke softly, which was really all I could manage. My heart rate had speed up a bit since she had entered and my ever-watching guardian angel Gracie had noticed it, along with my other angel Brian. I on the other hand didn't' care about my condition, I was going to be here for this, and if it was to be at this point, and in this time, in this hospital, so be it. "Brian it's OK, I want to be here for this." I said in my most reassuring tones, and LeAnne got a smile as if she had won a major battle there. Even tho she didn't realize she lost the war. "Brian, you know I love you, I can't live without you at night, and I want to join you on the rest of the tour this year, I am finally ready to settle down and be the good ever present wife you always wanted me to be. I know it can be good baby....I know my feelings are real. I also know you have feelings for me, you've said it a thousand times, and now I am telling you, I love you. I hope its not too late, or a bad place to express this, but I needed to tell you immediately, and well, I am sorry about your friend and all, but I really needed that off my chest. I needed you to know how deep my love for you is, it's like THAT song..by those guys..those cute guys..you know the ones Brian....they sang..that song...ummmmm...Britney's guy does it. A little more time on you. Cause your love is like a river, peaceful and deep, your soul is like a secret.." Brian cut her off right there with a glare, and an angered expression on his face. "LeAnne, haven't you got the clue yet? My love is an ocean, one that you sailed away from. You treated me like a piece of trash. You used me, walked all over me, and made me feel like I was beneath you. I will never again be with you. You were a cold-hearted person, when I gave you all I had to give. I gave you my heart, my love, my soul, and that was just never enough for you. Jon on the other-hand is more than just a friend. He is my boyfriend, he gives me that unconditional love you never could. He loves me for the person I am and not my name. You used my name to further your career, rather than to see me for what I truly was. He has accepted me as a person, as a love, and as a soul-mate. You accepted me as a way to further your career, and a way to get further in the world. I loved you will all my heart, body and soul." As I heard him say that, I knew he had feelings for her still and I began to cringe a bit, and Gracie saw this, and got a bit closer to see what was going on. "LeAnne, I loved you with all that a person can love another with, and its only after you lost what we had that you realized this. Well unfortunately for you I moved on, and I moved up. Jon treats me with the respect I deserve, not like Tyke's droppings!" Tyke hearing his name started to squirm a bit, having missed Brian a lot, and being in a new environment and such, hearing his name just provoked him a bit. LeAnne just looked at me. "Brian you call THAT" she gestures towards me in a very nasty way "a loving caring soul. A man that ran off on you, and got hit by a car, a love. you call that THING in the bed as your lover. That's disgusting, he can never give you what I can. Can he give you your dreams? Or a child? Or even a stable future?" Brian had a quick response "He gives me all I need and more. Emotional stability, love, an unconditional love I might add. He gives me all the things I never had, and all I ever wanted. He may not be able to bear a child, but he will be a more competent parent than even you!" She looked at me, very hurt by Brian's answers, and started raising her voice. "YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU TOOK AWAY MY LOVE FROM ME, AND I WILL GET EVEN." I looked at her, my heart monitor racing, as I slowly got out of bed, as I turned around to stabilize myself on the bed to turn around, and Brian and Gracie got up to help me, LeAnne saw the bandages. She saw her opportunity, and wasted no time in taking it.
She balled her hand up into a fist, and she pulled back. Brian and Gracie saw what she was about to do, but it was moments to late as she punched the back of my head. The bandaged soon became soaked in a red liquid, as I fell face first on the bed, and my body fell to the floor soon after. The blood was a deep crimson red, and it was oozing out of the bandages. My heart monitor was going to 1 beep, a flat-line. 1 beep, to flat-line. This was enough to get the guys as they all walked in. Brian had a look of utter fear on his face, as his knee's buckled. My body had started going into convulsions at this point, as my muscles were spasming. The guys looked at me, and then LeAnne, whom no one saw enter the building. Brian was in tears at my side, crying for a doctor. The guys stood, stunned, no clue what was happening, and seeing my heart monitor, they knew it was bad. Gracie had seen all she could take and walked over to LeAnne. "So help me god, you plastic Bitch. You ever lay another finger on any of my friends ever again, and I will tear you limb from limb." Unfortunately for LeAnne, who wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention, she started pummeling my chest and clawing my face with her "I'm all that Lee press on nails, and cheesy nail job." And she was clawing my face, tearing and lashing, as the guys stood, paralyzed, not knowing what to do. They had frozen. Brian, in his fit of morbid fear of my life tried to pry her away from me. But his lack of energy, and the fact he was trying not to hurt her or Tyke, he failed miserably. Her sunflower yellow dress and her sleek figure was not moving except to strike at my body. I was at the end of my line as well, and Kevin finally realized this and went to get the doctor. In Howies hand laid the camcorder, as he had recorded all of the events from the door, and it was he who called the others. He got the scene with LeAnne and Brian, and of LeAnne belting me. But all he could do was look, and LeAnne was battering my chest and face. My blood was oozing on the ground, as my eyes rolled back. I fought the white light this time, I knew I had my reasons to stay. Even if my mortal body was taken away from me, I had refused to leave Brian alone. Gracie on the other hand was not as stunned as the other guys. No one knew why she knew what she had to do, she just did. She tapped LeAnne on the shoulder, and LeAnne slowly turned around. As she did, Gracie socked her, right in the nose. All that was heard was a flesh on flesh noise, then a horribly loud crunch. Followed by a scream of utter agony from LeAnne, as her eyes got all puffy and blackened, and blood was flowing easily out her nose, all over her dress. This had caused Tyke to become VERY aware of what was happening and scared. He got so scared he had diarrhea and pissed all over her, and jump out of her arms. Since she was on the ground in pain holding her nose, it was an easy task, and he jetted over to Brian to help his master, who was on his knee's crying.
LeAnne looked at Gracie "I may not be a fighter, BITCH, but Britney is..when I tell her, you sure will be sorry. She will take your arms and break them both, and those legs too." Gracie gets an evil smile on her face "OK since you like Britney so much, I'll hit you baby, one more time!" With that Gracie balled her fist up, and slammed LeAnne in the mouth, shutting her up. A.J. fell to the ground, laughing, rolling with tears, and forgetting I was on the ground in a bad state. Howie stood there in shock. Nick was by Brian saying it's OK and stuff. Kevin soon walked in with nurses and doctors. They saw my condition and immediately put me on a rolling table and took me to the OR to re-stitch me. From the pile of blood on the floor, it was obvious I lost a large amount of blood. Gracie realized this when all was said and done, and sat in the corner, facing the wall, crying. Her strength refusing to let another see her cry, but the pain so deep, she could no longer hold the tears in. A.J. finally realized what was going on, and his laughter stopped. Dead. As it started, it just as quickly ended, as he saw me wheeled away, and Gracie in hysterics. LeAnne was almost unconscious and I was rushed to the OR. Brian was too weak to walk, so Nick and Kevin helped him into the waiting room, to take a seat, as they both held him. As they sat down, a tall woman with flowers and balloons walked in.
It took but seconds for the guys to realize who it was, and my mother made another grand entrance. She was just in time to see me wheeled off into the OR, with blood drips in my arms and bloodied bandages on my head. She took one look at Brian. "How DARE you! How could you hit him, and in the hospital of all places! You have no right to be here after assaulting him." Kevin didn't like her from the start, and she had upset Gracie more than she was, So A.J. grabbed Gracie's hand, and led her outside to have a cigarette. He held her in his arms, holding her close to comfort her. She felt a little at peace from the affection A.J. was giving her, and she needed the cigarette to calm down and she knew it. As they walked off, Brains sobs became louder, as did Kevin's and my mother's voice.
My mother was going off on Brian. "How could a "Friend" hit their friend in the hospital? WELL!!!!!!!" Brian had taken all he could. He was an emotional basket case, and my memories started to flood into his mind. All the times we had talked about my past, he was remembering. "You want to talk about hitting him, how about you husband that BEAT him!!!!!! YOU let it happen you Bitch. I did not hit him! The one who did was taken care of, and I am sure Gracie would GLADLY do the same to you. I don't care if you're his biological mother, in his eyes, and ours, you are NOT his mother. He told you leave him be, he told you how he felt. Let him live his life....you cannot control him! He is a living, breathing, human being! His life is his, not yours. As for "friends" you have another thing coming lady. He is my BoyFriend!" With that Brian waited for a Doctor, and my mother couldn't argue. She knew he was right, on all counts he was right. She let me get beaten by that horrible excuse for a husband. She got out ONLY after he hit her. But she was to full of pride, and to stubborn to leave. She was determined that I loved her and wanted her back. Little did she know, but soon she would find out, AGAIN that it was quite the opposite. She took a seat as the guys looked at her evilly....the camcorder still taping as Howie forgot to turn it off. They just waited for the doctor to come, as Brian had no more tears to cry, but he still sobbed on Nick's shoulder, as Kevin tried to hold the two close. For two reasons, one he wanted to hold Nick, and two Brian needed to be held. ~~~~ A.J. and Gracie Outside ~~~~ Gracie was in hysterics. She was crying on A.J.'s shoulder when they got out of the building. She was worried about my condition, as well as she was upset about clocking LeAnne. She didn't regret DOING it, but she regretted HAVING to do it. She knew this was far from the last time they would see LeAnne, and she wanted to know where Britney Spears fell into on all this. Her mind was a jumble of emotions, and A.J. just held her close in his arms. He didn't know why, but he just wanted to hold her. He felt really at ease with her, she touched him in a place in his heart no one had had the effect on him to touch. His mind was also swimming with emotions as he had wanted to say so much, but didn't know quite how to put it. They had both lit up a cigarette and started puffing away on it, as A.J. decided to make a statement and break the ice. "You really care about Jon don't you?" She looked at him and a smile almost crossed her face, remembering the good times. "Yes, we have been there for each other through thick an thin since we met. We were always there for the other, no matter the cost. I still remember a day after he spent the night in the sleeping bag in the corner. It was a great night. We talked all night, and all morning, we never got to sleep, but neither of us minded. We talked about so many various things it was amazing. Then we went to the store, and he picked up the stuff to make bacon, scrambled eggs" she started chuckling here "Well the eggs were all funny looking tho. They were gray, he had used vanilla and cinnamon to make them taste better. And he made homemade French toast. We brought some to our friend Kate at work after. It was just a good day. There were a lot of those good days. I remember he even cleaned the pans and dishes after all that...I had asked him at that point in time, "Is there a straight version of you, and where do I get me one?" He just laughed at me." A.J. had known I was a special person the whole time. But he was starting to realize just how special. Also he realized I was right for Brian, and I would treat Brian the opposite way that LeAnne did. I was there for the long haul. Thick and thin. He knew then, I was taken. But he also realized that Gracie had touched him in a special way as well. She had taken a piece of his heart with her words, and he was falling for her. He realized he wanted me, but her as well. Then he knew he had to try to find a way to let her know just how special she was. "Gracie, you realize how special you are?" A.J. had asked. Gracie just blinked, as it was his voice, but my words flowing out his mouth. She cried more on his shoulder, as she was finished with the cigarette. "That's sounds like what he had always told me. He was always saying he'd be there, and I was worth anything that happened for the friendship. He always believed whatever I wanted in life I would get. We were kindred spirits, and we met..it clicked. He came to me in a time in my life when I needed a true friend. That's all he ever wanted in return was the same. Past made no difference, the future was all that mattered along with the present. He was asking for something so simple, so unthought about, and so many times overlooked. He knows the value of a friend, and knows what makes one a true friend. He knows that the little things in life mean the most. A simple hug, or a nice kiss. He's not into the flashy expensive tastes. He's simple, and that's all he cares about are the simple things. I wish I had met him sooner in my life, and maybe some of the things I had went through, I wouldn't have. After I met him, things were never to be the same. I learned what it meant to have true friends, and be one in return. I know he would lay his life down if it meant saving another. All his dreams were are healing others, and helping others in the best way he can. His greatest asset is his heart. He uses it much like a hiker does a compass, he lets it guide him through life, and he takes his falls like everyone else. But he helps others when they fall, and stands on his two feet alone when he falls. He is such a fighter, I know he will get through this, but so help me, by the power of the gods if I see LeAnne again I am going to pop her!" A.J. couldn't help but laugh there, remembering the earlier scene. "You know we have been waiting a long time for someone to pop her like that. She really did treat Brian like a piece of trash. His name meant more to her than who he was. If the BSB were failing, she'd jump ship I am almost sure. Jon seems like he will be there to the bitter end, working 3 jobs if he must to keep Brian safe and happy." Gracie nodded her head as she knew he was telling the truth. She knew how I was, and he saw the same qualities inside of Gracie. He knew then and there that he wanted to be with her, but for the first time in his life, someone intimidated him. He knew what he wanted, but this the first time he didn't know how to get it. He knew his name meant nothing here, that used to give him leverage. This was one time, he needed to be A.J. the person, not A.J. the BackStreet Boy. He started formulating a plan as he led Gracie back into the waiting room. He decided they should be there for Brian and see if Jon was OK. ~~~~ Waiting Room ~~~~ The doctor came out of the OR shortly after A.J. and Gracie returned. They had sat down, and gave mom a really sinister look. Gracie started in with the song from the "Wizard of OZ" with the song for the withch. "do do do do do do do do do doooo!" The guys just stared ate her for a minute trying not to laugh. Luckily the doctor entered and all the guys, Gracie, and Mom stood. "OK, here's the situation, Ma'am" looking at my mother. "He will talk to you briefly out here with the rest of the guys..after that, you are to leave or be removed, its his choice and we have to abide by it. Next, he lost A LOT of blood, and he was very lucky to have survived. The blow to his head re-opened all the stitches, and made the gashes bigger. Also it caused hemorrhaging in the head, and his memories may be a bit shaken again. He seems to remember everything, but we won't know for a few days. He will be on morphine, but it seems to barely affect him so he will be in A LOT of pain. His stress MUST be kept to a minimum, or it may have SEVERE complications. Now for Miss LeAnne Wallice, She suffered quite a blow to the head, and her nose was broken." <large screams are now heard> Gracie just chuckles. "That's her now, her nose is being reset and then it should be fine. Other than that" I was slowly wheeled out into the room "Well I'll let you be alone with Jon." As I was wheeled out, I looked for Brian, searching for his face. He immediately came over to me, but I was still searching, as my sight was not good. It was blurry at best. In a barely audible whisper, which was all I could muster "Brian...." He saw I was worried about him, and he saw I was searching for him, so he grabbed my hand. "Yes I am here." This gladdened my heart, and a small smile came across my face. I just held his hand as I saw mom walk towards me. "Gracie I need you to do me a favor. Get me my bag and folder." She just nodded and Brian looked at me funny. As she got it, I started again. "Mom I really have moved on, you are no longer a part of my life. I wrote a song about it, and now you will here it. Gracie, please get a copy of "Double Edge Love" for you, Brian, and Mom." She quickly handed Brian and mom a copy as she cleared her throat. She knew the beat, and knew the song. I must have sung it 1000 times cause I wanted to sing it to mom. Now I was to do that through her and Brian. Chorus A (Copyright July 1999 all laws applicable and enforced) "How can I be all you want me to be, Sending me off for all that you see. I'm not like that, I need to be me. You say my dreams were worthless with Pride. But they were my dreams you were crushing inside. Once I told you, but never again, Bold you." Brian started to pick the beat up and joined her. They sounded beautiful together, and I realized it was my song they were singing. Saying to her all the things I wanted to say and never could. I now had the strength in my heart to tell mom all the things I never could before. Brian was my strength. He was all I ever needed, all I ever wanted, all I ever prayed for. He was the love unconditional I had sought out, and now it was here, and it felt like a dream, but I knew it was real. Verse 1 "You gave your love, I gave mine unselfishly. The games with my mind, you played with Pride. But no more, I will go on forward. You held me back, so many times. Everything I did, you saw as a crime. Your love, cuts me like a knife." Chorus B "My dreams are mine, your dreams are yours. Your dreams for me will be nevermore, Cause I'm me, true to my heart I must be. Love lifted me up, as much as you let me down. Friends took the place, cause your never around. No more, I trust in my heart much more." Verse 2 They always say, love supposed to be blind. I closed my eyes, so many times. But no more, true to my heart much more. You pushed me down, I stood on my own 2 feet. All of my dreams, no longer you beat. I'll make it, my dreams will shine through. Chorus A How can I be all you want me to be, Sending me off for all that you see. I'm not like that, I need to be me. You say my dreams were worthless with Pride. But they were my dreams you were crushing inside. Once I told you, but never again, Bold you. Verse 3 Your love took me down, should have lifted me up. The strength I do have you thought was never enough. But it is. Moving on just like me. I held you up, you let me fall. I was there, helping you through it all. You ditched me, when I needed you most. Chorus B My dreams are mine, your dreams are yours. Your dreams for me will be nevermore, Cause I'm me, true to my heart I must be. Love lifted me up, as much as you let me down. Friends took the place, cause your never around. No more, I trust in my heart much more. Verse 4 Look in my eyes, see what you get. All of the pain, and none of the regret. I walked on, never looking back. See in my heart, you'll always be there. But my love for you, no longer I share. Turned away, from all of your pain. Chorus A How can I be all you want me to be, Sending me off for all that you see. I'm not like that, I need to be me. You say my dreams were worthless with Pride. But they were my dreams you were crushing inside. Once I told you, but never again, Bold you. Verse 5 I lifted you up, why'd you let me down? As a kid, you were never around. I made it, without you around me. You think your good, I know your not, Taking to mind, all the pain you brought. Say good-bye, I won't cry not this time." Chorus B My dreams are mine, your dreams are yours. Your dreams for me will be nevermore, Cause I'm me, true to my heart I must be. Love lifted me up, as much as you let me down. Friends took the place, cause your never around. No more, I trust in my heart much more." My mother's eyes welled up with tears. The raw emotion of the song, the deeper meanings that she knew I was touching on was too much for her. She knew what I was saying, and that those were my words coming from their mouths. Brian had never seen the song before now, but he to had started to see what the song meant. My mother got the hint from the guys to take off as Kevin pointed to the door and I nodded. She knew she could no longer Hold onto the dreams of me coming back and loving her like she had always wanted. She knew that she had pushed me to far away for me and her to ever have any kind of relationship. So she started to walk out the door. She knew she had lost this battle, and she knew I would never want to see her again. She did however take pleasure in the fact she knew I had moved on, and I had become happy. I had found my true love, and she knew that I was going to make it. Deep down, tho she never showed it, her biggest hope was just that. For me to make it, be happy, and be loved. She lost her chance with me, but she was glad I didn't punish the world for her mistakes. She was glad that I had found the power, and the strengths I needed to make it through everything. I was independent enough to look out for myself, and ultimately, I would be all right no matter what I did. She knew I had many trials in life, and she knew equally I would meet each one with my all and deep down she knew if I had unconditional love, I would fight to my dying breath for it. True happiness I would have with Brian. She too knew love was worth sacrifice, a lesson she just now learned as she sacrificed her children's love for her "Happiness" which she never truly found. She was glad this was one lesson I learned in my mind, not the hard way. But she had no idea I had learned it the hard way, and it was through her that I learned this. Also she had no idea that I found the meaning of life for me. I knew that in my life I was meant to accomplish certain things, and I believe to love, and to be loved was one of them. To help society realize love Is love, and to look with their hearts and not their minds and show them there are no boundaries to love. She would too one day find that I knew what I wanted in life, and that I now found it. And for the first time in my life, she finally knew she had no hold on me. No way to make me see things her way. She knew she had no way to get me to be what she wanted. I had shut her out, as she did to me so many years ago. Gracie had a few tears in her eyes, mine were flowing freely, as I watched her walk away, as I had to do so many years ago. I let the tears flow, but this was the first time I realized this was it, the end. I know it needed to be done, but it brought back the pain of everything. Brian had a few tears as well, as he realized what the words meant, and the guys all didn't know what to do. I looked at A.J. and then to Gracie, and he got the hint, thankfully, to hold her, and comfort her for me. I got up...well TRIED to get up, the morphine not affecting me like most, I was able to stand. This got Nick, Kevin, and Brian's attention at my side, as they thought I would fall. Nick let me lean on him, as did Kevin, as I walked over to Brian, who was crying at this point as well. The tears lessened on my face, as I cried into his shoulder. Holding him close...perhaps too close, not wanting him to go like she had. I didn't want things to ever be like that for us. I laced our hands together, and rummaged thru my bag. I picked two things up many years ago. As I was rummaging the guys all looked at me like I was going to far, but I knew it was there. I stopped, closed my eyes as the pain was getting bad, as was the dizziness. They all looked worried, but I told them it was OK as I resumed my search. Finally I had found 2 small boxes. I took them out, and handed them to Brian. In hushed tones which was all I could manage "I bought these a few years ago. One was to be for my love, one for me. The backs need to be engraved, and I will do it soon. Till then, please take it as is, and when I get out of here, I will finish them." On the fronts were the sign of infinity, and two hearts together, on the backs were blank space to be filled, and now I knew what to put there. My eyes slowly closed as I fought away the sleepiness, it started to come. Brian caressed my hand gently as I fell asleep in his arms in the chair. Him not caring who saw us, and me feeling safe where I was. I curled up in his lap and slept there. He must not have minded, as he cradled me in his arms like a newborn infant. I felt his warm embrace, his arms around me. I remember feeling so safe in his arms, as if the world had stopped spinning, and the gods sent me my angel, but he has no wings. I heard the faint whispers as I drifted off, but they were not understandable to me. All I cared about was I was in Brian's arms and he held me close. I felt my weight shift and I wondered what was going on, but I didn't open my eyes. Rather I couldn't, I was too tired. I knew I was moving now, and I got really worried, as I felt the ever presence of motion. I started stirring, and twisting as hard as I could, which wasn't much normally, but I felt as if I was being dragged away. Brian held me closer, so I knew he was still there, but I couldn't shake the moving experience, and I was scarred. He started to hum to me to calm me, but it wasn't enough, and finally I opened my eyes and tried to sit up too quick and slammed my head on the roof and cried out in pain. The guys all looked at me with worry. I still sat in Brian's lap, and curled up in a ball, to hide my hurt head, and to let the tears from the pain be released, as I sobbed. Gracie had a look of real worry. She knew I'd be disoriented, and I might be real scarred, and against better judgment, let them take me out the hospital and home to the hotel. As I sobbed, Brian held me tighter, and gently rocked me. The guys looked at him and smiled, knowing he had the touch to heal my wounds, and soon the pain eased a bit. He held me close, so close I heard his heart, and it soothed me as well. I slowly looked up, with the worst migraine I had ever had, and held my head, as the smallest noises were amplified. Brian's whispers were like shouted words, and as he asked if I was OK, I covered my ears and whimpered. He looked hurt...so I tried to take the pain. "ye...yes...yes, I will be fine, I Don't know where I am, and small noises are really loud to me..migraine...." I started to rummage through my bag, and got the aspirin I always carried cause it was the only kind that worked. For me anyhow. After looking around a bit, I saw all the guys, and Gracie looking at me. I smiled, I finally realized I was in the limo, but it took me awhile longer to find water, till Gracie graciously handed it to me, knowing I was searching for something and assumed. I gladly took my pills, and a lot of them. I looked up at Brian and whispered in his ear "Do I make you uncomfortable curling up in your lap?" He whispered ever so gently back "Not a bit, it feels so nice." I smiled up to him, hugged him close and kissed him softly on the lips. I slowly curled back up into a ball in his lap, and he wrapped his arms around me. I nuzzled my head into his chest, which took some maneuvering, as he leaned back, and I started drifting off to his heartbeat. It must have looked like an odd situation, but it was apparent by the looks on Brian and my faces that we were both content, as Nick slowly leaned on Kevin's shoulder, and Kevin held him. It didn't occur to the others what was happening with Kevin and Nick, but if it was any more obvious, it would have bit them. Which is partly why they didn't realize, it was too obvious. Gracie had inside been a bit envious, as I had finally found a love so true and pure, that she knew I could never let it go. As the car ride got closer to the hotel, A.J. started drifting over to Gracie, as he too wanted what I and Brian had, but with Gracie. And Howie inched towards Gracie, he didn't know why, but he felt a closeness to her. He started thinking of ways to romance her, as A.J. started thinking of poetry and nice things to do for Gracie, neither seeing the other getting closer, Gracie thinking she was imagining it, shrugged it off. As we pulled up into the back of the hotel, Brian got us out the car without disturbing me too much. I woke up, but I was out of it. I had held onto his neck and cuddled into him as he carried me up to the room. For someone so small, he was really strong, cause I was big, and heavy ESPECIALLY as dead weight. But he never faltered. He carried me to our room, and laid me down on the bed. He eased the door shut knowing my head hurt, as all the guys went to their respective rooms, but Nick ended up in Kevin's room and offered Gracie his room. He had done it to be with Kevin, which also made it seem innocent, so the guys were still lost a bit, but they also shrugged it off. Gracie graciously accepted Nick's offer, as she hadn't thought of where she was staying at all yet, and so, now she had a place. Howie and A.J. went to their room, but were deep in thought, too deep in fact, to realize the other was there. ~~~~ Brian and Jon's Room ~~~~ Brian looked at me lying there on the bed, and he started to undress me. He took me down to my boxer-briefs, and then he stripped to his boxers. He slowly creeped over to me, laying on the bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and pulled himself towards me. "You know I love you right Jon?" I looked up at him and smiled. "As I love you Brian. It took me an accident to realized, that I would gladly die if I had to if it meant you being safe. I would fight a million deaths to stay with you. I love you, from the bottom, top, middle, and all the other parts of my hearts. I am so sorry I took that lyric challenge the wrong way, I realize it was a joke..it just hit me the wrong way at that point..but I am sorry I ran off." He gave me a weak smile and closed his eyes, I imagine to think, but there was no way he was getting off that easy. As his hands were wrapped around my waist holding me close, my hands explored his upper back and shoulders. My head moved in, as I pressed my soft lips slowly against his. We started one of the most love filled kisses I had ever thought possibly, as he slowly spread my lips and his tongue filled my mouth. I felt his tongue probing my mouth, finding every nook and cranny as it slowly settled with my tongue, as they danced around in my mouth. As the kiss moved on, so did we. My hands explored his back and his shoulders, his sides and eventually his pecs. If they were any harder, I'd say he'd cut glass. I tweaked them, and twisted them. Lightly pinched them as well. As I was doing this, he started to moan lightly in our kiss, but never breaking it. I could feel his hardening member push up against mine. We were both quite aroused, but I wasn't ready to stop. Neither was he, as I felt his two hands cup my ass, and knead the cheeks gently, as he ground his hips. He was grinding our cocks together. Now it was my turn to moan. I figure if he could do it, I could to, so I got a bit daring. I put my hands down his boxers and kneaded his fleshy ass too. I knew he was turned on, I could feel it pressing against me too. I was at the height, I had never been more turned on. He had started Groping my hardened cock through the boxer-briefs, rubbing and teasing it. Paying close attention to the head, tickling the underside of it a bit, as I finally broke the kiss and threw my head back. The pleasure was so much, and he knew it. He started to take down my boxer briefs, and I didn't stop him. <Slam!> <SLAM!> Brian moaned his answer, with a look of utter depression "Yes?" Disappointment rang through his voice. Then Kevin's voice bellowed through the door. "I KNOW how much you don't want to hear this Brian, but we have a concert tonight, and need to practice...so we gotta go now." Brian was upset, and frustrated..but regardless pulled away from me and started to get dressed. I looked up to him. "It's OK Brian, there will be other times. Besides, I need to rest anyhow, and...my head is bothering me. I wouldn't mind a kiss goodbye tho." We both smiled at that, and started another kiss. That was interrupted by another bang. <BANG> <BANG> "NOW BRIAN!" Kevin said, as Brian groaned, and left me. I slipped my boxer-briefs back on, as he walked out, being dressed..and I slipped off to sleep. My dream was on Brian, as I imagined what our first time would be like..but before I knew it I heard a door slam. "What an asshole!" I heard Brian shout, before he realized I was sleeping. I got up, a bit too quick, and held my head from the dizziness. My disorientation was brief. "Wha...what's going on..?" Brian sat on the bed, and hugged me close, I felt a tear hit my shoulder, so I wrapped him up tight as I could, and gently rocked us both. He was stressed, and I was out of it..so I didn't press the issue of why..then it hit me. "Brian...talk to me...what's wrong? You're real upset..maybe I can help a bit." I hugged him a bit tighter so he knew I was there. "Its nothing Jon, me and Kevin had a bit of a fight, its no biggie." Now I knew he was lying, but that also meant he wasn't ready to say what's wrong yet..so I stopped pushing then and there, I knew he'd say later. I pushed him down on the bed a bit, and rested my head on his chest. I knew all he needed was some rest. He smiled down at me. "Is this a hint?" "Yes it is, I want to fall asleep in your arms..and you need a bit of rest to. Besides..I like you holding me, it makes me feel better." He smiled, knowing I liked being in his arms, and he wrapped his arms around me "Well I like holding you too." And we drifted off to sleep like this. I had slept almost all day, and stirred awake. Brian was just looking at me, he had a bit of pain in his eyes. He was looking at my bandages. "Penny for your thoughts Brian?" I saw the clock said it was 5:30, so I assumed it was the next morning. "I was just looking at your bandages.I'm sorry...I didn't mean for this to happen. In the hospital you had me so worried, you wouldn't believe how worried. Then your mom..and well..." I heard him getting choked up, and I felt the sobs. I knew he was crying. "Brian, you did none of this. I ran off, its my fault, not yours. Given the chance to do it over again, I wouldn't change a single bit of it. I am with you, and that is more than I deserve." I grabbed his hand, lacing our fingers together. I slowly got up, and looked down at him. My head was feeling better, And I knew in a few days all would be well. The stitches would be removed in 4 days, so all we had to do was to just enjoy each other's company, since he had no more concerts till the last day. "Hey Brian how bout we get a few movies, call room service in...and we spend the day in each others arms?" Brian smiled and nodded so I assumed he liked the idea. I called down to the room service and had them bring up a few movies, and some food. It wasn't long after that we had a knock on the door. Assuming it was the Room service guy Brian answered the door. He greeted the man, had the usual formalities, and walked in with the 4 movies, and food, and the guy walked off. "OK Brian, you choose first movie, Science Fiction, Horror, Romance, or Comedy?" He looked at me "That's a choice? A choice is you tell me what ya got then I choose." I laughed at him. "That's too easy and you know it." Brian thought for a few minutes. "Horror." He said plainly. I got a mischievous grin on my face. Popping the movie in, I grabbed us some water, popcorn, and sat on the bed..well actually I sat between his legs and leaned back on him. He was ever so careful with my head, as he wrapped me in his arms, and we watched the movie. I choose a classic horror movie. As the movie starts, you hear what sounds like a heartbeat that gets faster, and faster. Then Brian finally realizes its Jaws. "What a choice Jon..its been ages since I watched this. We sat like this all day, just watching movies in each others arms. He helped me clean up myself a bit with a nice sponge bath. It was heaven. We just sat in the room all day. No one bothered us. That had actually surprised me, as I was sure Gracie would have come to check on me. But I ignored it for the moment knowing she had her own life to tend to. Besides I had Brian all to myself all day, so it was all good. Eventually, as much as I hated it, we had to sleep, we had been through 4 movies, 12 hours, and a lot of kisses. But I felt my eyes closing, and drifting off in Brian's arms. He just stayed there. I assume he must have passed out as well. We had slept in most of the day, as when we woke up it was 5 PM. I shook Brian a bit to try to wake him up. "What..what....what's going on?" I kissed him gently on the lips as he woke. "Just me babe, it's 5 PM, I figured we could go out or something, or meet the guys for dinner. Or at the very least me and you and Gracie can hang out." He got a scowl on his face when I said Gracie's name..and I looked confused. "Well lets go out to the movies or something then. I think the guys all wanted to go see Tarzan anyhow." I just smiled and shook my head a bit as Brian started dialing the guys. "Kevin and Nick are in, Howie, and A.J. and Gracie weren't answering. So I guess its a double date." That got a large grin from me. The thought of a date..not to mention a double date enthralled me. I was absolutely ecstatic. We went down the hall to Kevin and Nick's room to go grab them for the date. Brian didn't understand why I was excited about his joke about double dating, he hadn't realized that Nick and Kevin really were dating, and I wasn't about to let the cat out of the bag on them. So we all went to the theater. After the movie was over we decided to go to a caf‚ and grab a coffee, well they got coffee I got a soda. "Wasn't that just too funny? Remember the elephant as a kid?" I said, as Brian did his best imitation. "MOM are you sure this water is sanitary..it looks questionable." We all started cracking up. We were a bit loud, and rowdy when we left, but we had a good time all and all. We all went our separate ways at the elevator, me and Brian to our room, and Kevin and Nick to theirs. Now Brian and I had only been up for about 4 hours at this point, so we had decided on a nice walk through the city for a couple hours. We ended up talking about the most pointless stuff. Then we got to future plans. Of coarse his were with the band..but he asked me mine. I stopped walking a bit and sat down for a few minutes as Brian sat next to me. "Something wrong Jon?" "No Brian...its just..well my life has changed a lot. Before I was college bound, and working, but I was miserable. I met you, and my life, my dreams all changed. Now that I have love, my dreams all are with you. My hopes are here and now. My biggest wish ever was for love. Unconditional love. To give, receive, and live with it. I have all my dreams in you." Brian looked satisfied by my answer, so we headed back to the hotel. We had walked and talked for hours, so we got cleaned up, and went to bed. We woke up at a decent hour. It was 9:00 AM when we got up. Me and Brian had gotten ready for the hospital, as I was to have the stitches removed, and then I was free to take a shower. I couldn't wait for that...a nice hot shower. Gracie had bumped into us in the hall on the way and joined in. "Hiya Gracie what's up?" "Not to much.been spending some time with A.J. and Howie. It's been a great week. And today I figure I join you guys for the hospital, and then grab a bite to eat." She smiled as her perfume filled the air. It was a sweet jasmine smell. I went into the office, and was put into a gown and brought to the OR. They removed the stitches, but I was still out of it from the local anesthetic. I stayed there over night with Brian and the guys at my side. As I woke up, they were all there in the waiting room except Brian and Gracie. Both were asleep in chairs in my room. As I got up, I noticed them, and crept out quietly, as to not wake them. Kevin was still awake, the rest were asleep, and he saw me get up and walk out the hospital room. "Hey guy where ya going? I looked at him. "Away." It was a simple answer that got a confused look on Kevin's face. "Away..where?" I just stopped as I realized I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. "I honestly have no clue...Kevin right?" He looked dumbfounded at me. "I just figured, I'd go home, I mean UMASS hospital is but a 5 minute drive from home, and I could use the rest and besides I have work in the morning, they'll be pissed I was out today." Kevin was now out of it. He was just realizing I had forgotten what was happening. He realized I thought I was at home, when I was a few states away. "Plan on telling Brian your leaving?" "Why would I? The weeks over. So now I have to go home. Tell the guys I said good-bye for me tho." I kept walking off, as Kevin stood, not able to figure out what to say. As I was at the doors to the hall, Gracie saw me leaving the hallway and asked Kevin what was going on. "He's going home....he thinks were at UMASS, and he is going home. He doesn't even realize he and Brian are together." Both Gracie and Kevin stood there, not able to say a word. After about half an hour it hit them...where had I gone. Then I walked in again looking at them. "Figure out where home is yet?" Gracie asked. I smiled "Yup in Brian's arms...you didn't think I was serious...did you Kevin? I knew who you were before the accident. And speaking of home, is my knight in shining armor up yet?" Kevin shook his head no as Gracie whispered to me "So where did you go Jon?" I whispered back "To get some real food." Gracie laughed, Kevin was more confused than ever, and I woke Brian up. It was time for them to go get ready for the concert. I had been here for a day, the night, the next day and night as well. We all piled into the limo, Me all snugly with Brian, and him holding me in his arms. It was a comfortable ride to the arena, tho Kevin stared at me, still not sure what had happened, as we pulled up, the guys all ran to make up to go get ready, and me and Gracie just waited for them. ~~~~ Nick and Kevin ~~~~ As they entered their room, Nick took Kevin into his arms and started to kiss him. It was a quick soft kiss, then another. Nick placed many quick soft kisses on Kevin's soft lips, and Kevin gladly returned each one. After 10 minutes of this Kevin back up a bit. "As much as I would love to continue this Nick, we have a concert tonight. No visitors, so we can come back here and pick up where we just left off. But we do need to get ready for the concert now." Nick laughed a bit. "OK well pick up right" and he kissed Kevin again "Here." Kevin smiled at the thought of what was happening to him. He was falling for his crush...who was equally falling for him. Kevin loved being in Nick's arms, and holding Nick close. He never really thought of Nick as the snugly hug me type. But is quite happy he is. It makes the least sense the two of them together, but that's why it makes sense to him. That's why he trusts it. They finished getting ready and walked out their door. As they entered the hallway they heard some moaning coming out of Jon and Brian's room. "They can't be going at it yet..Jon's still hurt..and wasn't ready yet anyhow." Kevin mumbled out, and Nick nodded in agreement. "Maybe it's not what it seems Kevin. Maybe they are....umm...well..just kissing?" Nick gave up on the idea, hearing me moan as well. <Slam!> <SLAM!> Brian moaned his answer "Yes?" Disappointment rang through his voice. Then Kevin's voice bellowed through the door. "I KNOW how much you don't want to hear this Brian, but we have a concert tonight, and need to practice...so we gotta go now." Kevin heard some talking in the room, but he couldn't make out what was being said. After about 5 minutes of waiting he had finally gotten tired of waiting, as he watched Howie and A.J. go by. <BANG> <BANG> "NOW BRIAN!" Kevin said, as Brian groaned loudly, heard through the door, and opened it. "Yes Kevin, I know daddy, we have a concert daddy...lets go." It was obvious to Kevin and Nick that he wanted to be in the room with me instead of at the concert....and he was annoyed and in a bad mood now. Kevin and Nick knew it was going to be a long night, but they were hoping that the concert went over well. They knew like themselves, Brian could be dead inside, but when the stage lights went on, you'd never have known. Professionalism...Kevin knew Brian had it, and was banking on him using it. He figured the guys would get the cold treatment in the limo tho. He couldn't be any more right as he stepped into the limo. Brian had a scold on his face, and looked out the window. He had ignored the guys, and when he was asked questions, all he would do is ignore them, or just grunt to say leave me alone. He was cranky like that the whole ride, and into the dressing rooms. He even gave Gracie an attitude and all she did was ask what was wrong. Normally that treatment of her would have earned Brian a smack, regardless of his fame, but she chalked it up to me being hurt, and Brian being hurt because of it. She was still a bit annoyed by it, but A.J. was starting a conversation with her, and Howie was jumping into it as well, so she took the social route. She kept talking to them, while Kevin made small talk with Nick. They pulled up to the arena, with a large table of food set up for them. This was enough to engross them for an hour, with minimal amounts of talking, lots of eating and drinking. After the food, the guys went into make-up and sound-check, Brian was still in a pissy mood. But as soon as he hit stage, Kevin noticed he was right. Brian had put the act on, and made it look like he was perfectly happy. Luckily for them all there was no meet and greet section after that, so he wouldn't let the fans see him as disturbed as he really was at the moment. The guys basically lit out of there quick as they could to get back to the hotel. As the limo pulled up, Gracie got out with Brian and pulled him aside. "Look Brian, I know your upset about Jon, but just chill, its all going to be OK. He's strong, he will get thru this. He needs you tho. Inside he is as vulnerable as a newborn, he has been hurt so much by his mother. That song meant what it said on all levels. He really has large feelings for you Brian, please don't hurt him..he needs your love as much as you need his. I need to see him tonight...for a few minutes anyhow OK?" Brian gave her the evilest look, Kevin just watched as the whole thing unfolded. "EXCUSE me?...I would never hurt Jon. I need him as much as you think, and more. I love him, totally, for ALL that he is. His mind, body, and especially his soul. His soul speaks to mine like no other, he touches me, and sends shivers down my back, and if its OK with you, I'd like to spend the evening alone with him if its not to much to ask." With that he stared at Kevin, with a look that could break stone, and then to Gracie, who gave him and equally disturbing look, but she figured it in my best interest not to get stressed over this, and she backed off a bit. She gave Kevin a looking eye as if to ask what to do next. Her question to Kevin went unanswered as Brian stormed into the elevator, and went to his room, they all heard the slamming door as they were stepping off the elevator. Gracie went to storm in the room, and Kevin saw this. In whispered soothing tones "Gracie, just let him be, if you charge in there and yell at him, it will get Jon all worked up, and I am sure Jon can handle this. They were interrupted at an inopportune time before we left, and that's why Brian is a bit upset. Him and Jon sounded like they went all the way, and if they didn't they were about to." Nick chimed in a here cause he saw Gracie's face register many emotions. "We only know cause we heard moaning, he hasn't said anything to us yet, neither has Brian, but when B-Rok gets like this, we tend to let him be, and he usually calms down, and I bet Jon will have some affect on that." Nick smiled, thinking he had set her mind at ease. In a way he had, but in a way, she really wanted to talk to me, but knew I would eventually tell her all when I was ready, but this wasn't that moment. So she went to her room..and closed the door. Howie and A.J. seemed to be looking at her, but they soon too went into their room. Kevin grabbed Nick's hand and took them into their room. "Where were we going to pick up? Ah yes." He kissed Nick, Nick's back to the door. Nick put up no fight as he wrapped his arms around Kevin's neck. As they kissed lightly, Nick started kissing Kevin's neck. Kissing and suckling, Just enough to be erotic, but not leave any marks. He started suckling on Kevin's Adam's apple, thus causing Kevin to let soft moans escape from his lips. Kevin slowly led them to the bed, and laid them down, as Nick continued his conquest of Kevin's body, working his way slowly down Kevin's neck and onto his shoulders. Nick started to peel off Kevin's shirt as he kept kissing his shoulder. Kevin lifted his arms so Nick could remove the shirt, knowing that Nick wanted to continue. The back of Kevin's mind still wondering how far they should let this go tonight, and how far he should go in the future. His feelings were very unsure, but he knew Nick's touch could melt him..fearing this was going to go to far, as Nick was now at his navel, Kevin spoke up. "Nick...we can't..not yet..uh..um...Nick, we have to stop." Nick looked up at Kevin, a bit hurt, but all he saw was love in Kevin's eyes. Kevin pulled Nick up to him, and started hugging him, and kissing him on the lips. This went on for about an hour till they fell asleep in each others arms. As the light softly entered the room, Nick was awakened, as it streamed into his eye. It was a single ray of light, but was positioned in such a way as it was in his eye any which way he rolled. As he tossed a bit, he awoke Kevin. Kevin had wrapped Nick up into a hug "You know I love waking up with you here Nick." Kevin smiled, as he finished adjusting to the morning. Nick looked in his eyes "I still wish we could sleep here longer, I just love being held by you." Kevin looked at him and whispered in his ears "Well lets stay home tonight then, and I can hold you all day, we can be awake and holding each other." Nick looked into his loving eyes, knowing he was falling head over heels faster and faster for Kevin as the days went on. He snuggled into Kevin's warm body, and pressed up against him, and softly whispered "Just us, no one else today?" Kevin looked at him "nothing would make me happier, it will be just you and me today, and we can just order food in." Nicks eyes got misty as he wanted to cry from joy, in his short life, he never felt the amount of love he felt at that moment. The day for Kevin and Nick passed by too fast as they did small things, but mainly they talked. About their future, and their relationship. What they had wanted. They realized that they were opposites in personality, but in the heart, and relationships, they were perfectly matched. They had all the other wanted and more. Nick had the loving nature, and romantic side that Kevin wanted, and he loved to be held. Kevin had the loving arms that gave Nick strength and the love he needed. Together they completed each other. They had fallen asleep a bit late and woke up to the phone ringing. Nick picked up the phone "Hello?" He heard Brian's voice on the other line. "Yeah sounds like fun, I'll ask Kevin if he's in." Nick put his hand over the phone and looked at Kevin "Care to go see Tarzan with Brian and Jon?" Kevin shook his head yes, as he was excited by he idea of their first date. "OK Brian, he's in too." Kevin smiled and they got ready. After the movie they ended up in a small caf‚. It was a quaint little place, and they had been getting a bit loud. Then Jon had said "Remember that elephant as a kid?" and Brian started to do his best to imitate it "MOM are you SURE this waters sanitary..it looks questionable." They had all started to laugh at this, Finally they left the restaurant, and Kevin's mind was still on Nick, as they got to the hotel. They soon parted ways, and went to their own room. They had spent most of the next 6 days in their room together as well, mainly talking about the future, and where they wanted to be in 10 years. About their parents..well Nick's parents mainly. And how to tell the guys about them. They had decided to do it in Hawaii, and let it all come out into the open, and to tell their parents after that. Kevin had gone with Nick, Howie and A.J. to the hospital. They had all woken up late, and missed Jon and Brian leaving. They assumed that Gracie was with them, as she didn't answer the call they left her. They hailed a cab, and soon were on their way to the hospital. When they got there, Brian was talking With Gracie, waiting for me to be released. Soon I was set up in a room, as I was out of it. Gracie and Brian walked into my room, and took opposite sides of me, keeping a watchful eye, as the rest of the guys watched from the waiting room. Kevin was the only one awake by the end. He saw me get up and walk out the hospital room. "Hey guy where ya going? I looked at him. "Away." It was a simple answer that got a confused look on Kevin's face. "Away..where?" I just stopped as I realized I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. "I honestly have no clue...Kevin right?" He looked dumbfounded at me. "I just figured, I'd go home, I mean UMASS hospital is but a 5 minute drive from home, and I could use the rest and besides I have work in the morning, they'll be pissed I was out today." Kevin was now out of it. He was just realizing I had forgotten what was happening. He realized I thought I was at home, when I was a few states away. "Plan on telling Brian your leaving?" "Why would I? The weeks over. So now I have to go home. Tell the guys I said good-bye for me tho." I kept walking off, as Kevin stood, not able to figure out what to say. As I was at the doors to the hall, Gracie saw me leaving the hallway and asked Kevin what was going on. "He's going home....he thinks were at UMASS, and he is going home. He doesn't even realize he and Brian are together." Both Gracie and Kevin stood there, not able to say a word. After about half an hour it hit them...where had I gone. Then I walked in again looking at them. "Figure out where home is yet?" Gracie asked. I smiled "Yup in Brian's arms...you didn't think I was serious...did you Kevin? I knew who you were before the accident. And speaking of home, is my knight in shining armor up yet?" Kevin shook his head no as Gracie whispered to me. Kevin didn't hear what was said, but saw a big smile on Gracie's face and figured all was well. Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 16 by Jon The guys all woke up, and Met in Our room for breakfast. Fortunately we had cleaned up the room a bit, and got the food there. The guys were all in their own conversations. Gracie seemed to be in a deep conversation with Howie and A.J. while Kevin was talking to Nick about what seemed like pointless stuff. But I knew better, I saw through it, and saw the hidden meanings of a lot of what was said. But I also knew of the relationship, so I knew where and how to look for it. They were quite subtle about it, so I didn't mention it, besides that would have been a dead giveaway to the guys, and I wasn't about to be the one to let the cat out of the bag. I hadn't even told Gracie, and knowing her obsession with Kevin I was surprised she had yet to make a move on him. I think that was funny actually, because her time seemed to be taken solely by Howie and A.J. and I am sure she didn't mind that one little bit. The center of attention, a role she could play well, as well as the role she loved. We all love it to an extent tho. She must have seen what everyone else was seeing. She knew they were both after her. Now she would have to make the decision to see who she wanted to be with, and more so, how to do it without hurting the other one. We all sat on the different pieces of furniture in the room. Brian and I on the bed, Howie, A.J., and Gracie on the couch, and Kevin and Nick on chairs. I still didn't feel much like eating that day, much to the disappointment of Brian, as he kept trying to get me to eat something. I ended up just drinking some juice. He had settled, but he didn't have much choice. It was rare that a medicine affected me, but the medicine I was on had made me very tired a lot, and I was starting to drift off to sleep again. This was how I dealt with a lot of things as well. Pain, physical and mental mostly. Brian watched me fall asleep, and held me in his arms, as he watched the others for a bit, but his eyes drifted back onto me. He watched my face, as I smiled from whatever it was I was dreaming. He could tell I was happy at the moment, and that was all he cared about. He too had been through a lot in the past few days. They all finished eating, and made their way to the elevator. Brian had woke me up a few minutes before we left, and insisted I let him help me walk to the limo. I reluctantly agreed, knowing I wasn't winning that argument even if I had persisted. I put an arm around Brian, and he supported some of my weight, and we walked to the elevators. The rest of the group had followed, none breaking their conversation with the others. It was almost as if they were all in their own little worlds. I knew I was in m own little world, and only Brian knew the way into it. It was a world of utter happiness, even through the darkness. It was a world where no matter what happened, I had my very own ray of sunlight as if bottled up, and that was Brian. We got into the limo with no altercations, as the fans had no idea they were going out this way, and we snuck off. We were heading into the airport, but we weren't as lucky as before. Normally Brian would have been swamped by fans, but they all saw I was injured, and saw him supporting my weight. Many asked why he was doing it, and he had said he was helping a friend, as well as a co-worker. That they were like a family, and take care of their own. I felt bad he had to lie about he and I, but I had expected it. I knew from the start that I couldn't let people know we were together. That's why I had supported my own weight and pulled off him. I did it so the fans wouldn't think we were as close as we were, as well as let him be with the fans. I grimaced as I started to support my weight, and in the end, I stood. I saw the terminal, and started walking towards where our plane was departing, and made sure all would be well, then in my "business" voice I announced "Guys we have to be going or the plane won't get you in on time and we don't want to disappoint the fans." I put on the professional smile, and the guys started towards the hall, despite the protests the fans there were making. As they finally all got seated on their private jet with the name "BackStreet Boys" logo on it, the seat belt sign went on. An annoying stewardess started on about the safety stuff and other useless junk, and made sure the carry-on's were all set. Soon the plane's motors were rumbling, the jet was shaking a little bit, and off we were. On our way to a tropical paradise. We were going to Hawaii for a few days for a concert and some down time. I thought it would be a great idea, I knew the "down time" meant a bit of filming, but it would be light work. So it was all good, everyone seemed to be in better moods from the week past, and that helped to maintain a great peace for us all. As I looked out the window, my eyes were lost in the clouds, as they were deep oceans, much like I got lost in Brian's eyes. Finally I realized Brian was trying to get my attention, and slowly I looked at him, my mind in a few places. "Jon, you OK, you seem to be spacing out a bit, what's on your mind?" "Actually Brian, you were, and how all of my dreams have been coming true since I met you, and all the love you give me, its more than I could ever have hoped for. You've been here for me thru all I needed, thru all my hopes and fears. You've stood by me, and let whatever happens, happen. I realized I finally had in life all I ever needed, and it was you. The rest has or will fall into place. If the gods took me at this very moment, I could die a happy man with no regrets. Other than helping people and making you happy, I have achieved my life's goals." With that I smiled, as Brian looked away, he had a few tears in his eyes. I reached my hand to his cheek and moved his head to face mine. I looked into his deep eyes, as a few more tears fell. "What's wrong Brian?" I asked as I saw the tears with much concern in my voice. "Never say that Jon, god can't take you from me, I'm no ready t let you go." I hugged him, realizing what I said, he didn't catch it how I meant it. "I said they could, and I'd have been happy, I have no intentions of leaving you for a long time Mr. Brian Littrell. Your not that lucky!" With that I started to tickle his side, and he squirmed around in his seat belt trying to get away to no avail. Finally I let up when he had tears in his eyes and hugged him close to me, as he whispered into my ear "I hope so, finding you was lucky, losing you wouldn't be." He hugged me a bit tighter, as if expecting me to go, but I just snuggled into his body as he held me, a smile protruding my features, as my face was almost glowing. Gracie was in her seat next to A.J. and Howie was in front of her having a long drawn out conversation about organized crime, mobsters and such, or rather I should say Gracie was talking they were just listening. She had gone on and on about all the greatest mobsters of all time, and the dates, who liked or disliked what, it was real funny. I felt for them tho, cause I knew my attention span wasn't too far from theirs and I don't know how much of it I could swallow. There was something more driving them, although I couldn't grab what it was. Howie's eyes twinkled, and A.J. just seemed at ease with her. Kevin and Nick were on a few rows down, talking among themselves about what they had to do in Hawaii, and what they would do down there on free time. I saw nick look at me and I just smiled in Brian's arms, as his heartbeat slowed to a calm, and his breathing was regular and slower. I noticed he fell asleep, which was perfectly fine for all purposes in my eyes, as long as he held me. Nick smiled back to me, and then hugged Kevin. This got immediate smile out of Kevin, cutting him off mid sentence, with the hug. He quickly picked up where he had left off, and he and Nick were back into their conversation. The stewardess came by and got us all drinks that wanted one, but I started to daze off. I fell into a deep sleep, but I was still awake. It was when I was in this world, I knew that a premonition was coming. I had spent time getting to know this world well. I got some warning signs, and felt myself dropping. I knew it was a warning, by the signs I was seeing I knew it was the near future as well. It was a warning of a plane crash. A bad one, in the middle of no where. I woke up, I was all sweaty, but it was a cold sweat. As I jerked up, it caused Brian to wake up, trying to pull me close. I looked around, and I knew it was a warning for this flight, to let me and the guys prepare. "guys you buckled in?" I yelled out to them. They all answered in unison "Nope!" I looked at them still pale, and Nick caught on to my looks "Why what's up Jon?" I replied in serious tones "Buckle up, and prepare for a crash. I had a dream, but it was more than a dream, it was a warning." I got up, and started shuffling around the plane grabbing a large trash bag, despite the flight attendant yelling at me, and grabbed as many spare pillows, and blankets I could, the first aid stuff, and put them by me, giving the guys each some pillows to brace for a crash with. I knew we'd need the blankets and the first aid stuff, as I buckled in, I closed my eyes in a silent prayer. Brian started at me, but he did as I requested and buckled in, as did the rest of the guys, except for Howie who said I was being a fool, which got Kevin to yell at Howie, and Gracie, as she was to busy talking to realize what was going on with Howie. A.J. had heard me, and shook her a bit, and made her comply and started to try to get Howie to as well. Soon I stopped being silent, and started talking aloud to the sky, eyes closed, and hands held high. "Great guardians of the watchtowers of the east, by the powers of the element of air, please guide this craft safely to the ground in our hour of need, and extend the shield of my soul onto the guys and Gracie, let them come to no harm, and allow me to take on the pains for them." As I said this Brian stared at me, seeing I was casting a spell to let me be hurt instead of them, and a tear grazed his cheek. As I opened my eyes, I saw a bit of light reflect off his face, and I wiped the tear away from him. "It was to protect you Brian, and the guys, I don't want you hurt at all... I'd bear 1000 deaths to save you from the pain of anything, large or small." He kissed me, with an urgency I never felt from him before, he knew I was serious, and this could be disastrous. I knew we were prepared, and all would turn out as the Gods planned, but for the moment, we did all we could. Nick held Kevin a bit closer, but Howie said I was crazy still, and ignored the warning. Slowly the stewardess came running out of the cockpit. "Guys get ready for a crash, the engine blew out, and we have only one engine, so it will be a ruff landing, OH MY GOD!!!" She started to freak out, and we started to drop, slowly, but steadily. I saw a look of fear on all of the guys faces, and they looked at me. "Just be ready guys, we'll all be OK." The stewardess sat in her chair as she had cried a bit. I held onto Brian, giving him a strong hug, knowing this could be it. He held me, making me feel safer, just knowing he was there. Again I closed my eyes, and I chanted silently to the gods to help us, and that the guardians of the wind help us. Howie had finally decided to put his seat belt on. I felt the plane Jerking, and I knew it wouldn't be long. The wheels were dropped, tho I know not why. As we hit, I heard a thunderous crash. The plane started shaking violently, as it was tossed about. Finally it stopped and I opened my eyes. I looked up at Brian, and he looked down to me, and kissed me, letting me know he was unscathed in the incident. After the gentle, but short kiss, I looked around, and saw everyone shaking, except for Howie. His head was down on the seat in front of him, with a bit of blood. Slowly I got up, shaking myself, but remembering my days as a boy scout, preparing me for such situations and emergencies. I went over to Howie, who started to groan. He picked his head up, and had nasty bump, with a small cut above his eye. I took the first aid kit and patched him up quickly, and then he looked at me "You knew..how?" I answered in regretful tones "I find out things, sometimes I wish I didn't, but the gods tell me what I need to know, so that the best will come." He looked to the ground "I wish I had listened.." I cut him off "It's OK Howie, most people in your place wouldn't have either." We slowly got out of the plane, as I started carting out the food, drinks, water, and blankets. As soon as all the stuff was off the plane, I realized we were on a small island, probably of the coast of Hawaii. The stewardess and pilot were all shaken up. I made a pile of all the supplies. "OK guys we need to make some sort of place to sleep and stuff, we may be here for as little as an hour, or as long as weeks." I felt like I was in a bad rerun of "Gilagan's Island" I looked at the pilot "Try and get the radio to work, or see if it does, and see if you can radio for help...were not going to want to be here for long if we can avoid it. TBC.....bet you wanted more didn't you? Well more will come, I hope in a week or two depending on the amount of mandatory overtime comes, and sleep and stuff, I hope you all enjoyed it, remember email me, it makes me want to strive harder for better stories, and tells me what you want to read. New music is comming, as I have written lots of songs in my time, ASWELL as you'll see where was gracie and Howie and AJ thru all this....all this and more on the next issue, LMAO, sorry guys had to do it. Question: Some readers said they'd like to see N SYNC here, and also Brian and Nick should break up, what are your feelings on these subjects? E-mail me so I can make the story better for you....Jon