OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com, Or if for some reason it doesn't work...use Zelgadyss@hotmail.com, with good or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident. Also a few side notes. Please do not reproduce this, or place it, post it, or otherwise reproduce it without EXPRESS written consent of the author. All songs are original, copywritten and abide by any and all laws thereof. If permission is granted to reproduce (And I'm not really gonna say no if it's legit, but ask first) it must be reproduced whole. Other than that, those are the legalities, and on with the show (sorry I HAD to)
Part 17 and all's not well. The plane has crashed, and Howie fell. What will the guys do, how will they survive. Look to the story and see their alive...OK anyway, Well not too much mail, in fact, NONE!..ok ok, I got a few. But we keep going cause I know you people out there really love me, lol. So I hope this finds you all well, as I try to keep meeting deadlines, as they pass, cause I have a lot of work, sorry, but I am really doing my best. So without more babbling as I tend to do, on with it..ok a bit more babbling cause you all love me SOOOOO much, lol. I want to thank you authors for voting me the Nifty Drama Queen....i think its fitting. (but I'm not a drama queen!!!!!!!!!) So I want to say thanks (but you gotta change the Jon Works guys..lol)
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 17 by Jon
As the pilot tried to get the radio to work, it was obvious it was useless. It was destroyed in the crash so I knew we would be looking at a good nights stay minimum here, So I started scavenging the beach and area to see what we had to work with. I knew we'd need a place to sleep, nothing extravagant, maybe a few lean-to's and a few blankets as we had plenty pillows and blankets. I saw palm tree's which I was expecting, and I saw the guys standing around as if to ask what's next. None really knowing what was going on. Amazingly enough none of the cell phones worked either. I guess it was too far from any signal that could carry it. It was almost funny that this happened. I mean deserted Island, no one else around, it might not be so bad. As I still looked at everyone who were still arguing over what to do, I had to chuckle. Even Kevin was reasonably out of reasonable responses. "Well guys we can wait for it to rain and/or get cold, or we can start making some lean-to's and get ready for tonight since we have no idea how long we will be here for, and we still need to be ready for anything. So lets get some palm leaves together and those will make a safer place to sleep, we have pillows and blankets so we will be comfortable. It's no Hilton, but we'll just have to do now won't we? Besides I can make a bon fire" With that I started to laugh. They had no idea I liked fire, I loved just staring at it. I got lost in the flames, even as a kid, I would stare at the fireplace when a fire was going. Plus I was certified by the scouts to do it, so I started getting stuff together. I got some brush and smaller sticks to start t with, and some bigger wood too keep it going. Who knew that paying attention and dues all those years would actually come in handy. But anyhow, as I gathered the dries out leaves and twigs, sticks, and logs, I got a decent pile together. The guys were still arguing over what to do, Gracie trying to make her opinion known by shouting, and Howie seemed to retreat from the group to be alone. I guess he was feeling bad, or had a head ache. After getting all the stuff I needed, I got out my bag....now I know its cheating to use matches and/or a lighter to start a fire but I knew I wasn't in the mood for rubbing sticks with moss for that long, so with that all put together, I figured wait a bit on the fire. I Walked over to Howie, cause he seemed to distance himself from the others quite a bit. I wish there was more I could have done for him but, it was small, but the head ache must be bad, so I pulled the Ibuprofen out my bag, cause that's all that ever helped my migraine's, so I figured it would at least help. I walked over, the bottle in my hand, and whispered out to him, knowing that the smallest sounds can hurt with a migraine. "Hey Howie what's wrong?" Howie looked up, and at me. "We crashed a plane...but you knew..and I didn't listen...but you knew. How?" I looked down on him with a smile. "Some call it a gift, some call it a curse, some call it insight, some premonition. Either way, it's a part of me that I can' explain, I just know its there, and it tells me what I need to know when I need to know it." With that I tossed him the small bottle, he looked at me curiously. "What is" and I cut him off "It will help the headache you seem to be suffering with." I walked away from him, almost laughing, as a serious look overtook my face. I was sick of hearing Gracie yell, and the other guys argue over what to do, so I did what any sane, in control person would...I LAUGHED at them. I laughed long and hard, till my eyes watered. Then I go up, fixed my appearance and yelled "QUUUUIIIIIIETTTTTT!!!!" That had gotten their attention, so it worked I guess. After I had them all staring at me, I again repeated what I said earlier. "OK its going be a COLD NIGHT and if we don't get these lean-to's set up, your all gonna freeze. Then I can set up a fire to keep warm by, and maybe eat if your all lucky enough to keep busy long enough for me to find stuff. If I keep working, you won't eat!" Now I'm not totally sure if it was cause I was mad, or the thought of not eating sparked something in Gracie, but she started gathering palm leaves as I had earlier asked. Maybe it was the whole getting cold idea. By this time, I had my lean-to all set up, with pillows for me and Brian set up..tho he had to help the others with their lean-to's if he wanted into this one. As I was thinking this he approached me, almost as if embarrassed by something. "What's up Brian?" He looked at the ground, as he mumbled a bit. "Well it seems our tent thingy is all set up...and, well...I didn't exactly help." I chuckled, it was too perfect timing. "Well that's why your gonna help AJ since Howie is hurt, then you get to sleep here." Brian looked a bit surprised "So then Howie gets out of work?" I had to laugh at the child like nature here "No, he will do his share, He'll clean up after dinner. Besides, he is hurt, and your not, and I have too much else to do. If you guys want to be out in the bitter windy cold that's fine. I am all set and ready to go, and quite frankly, I care for ya, but if your not going to help the others, I'm not going to help you. We all have to help each other in order to survive."
Brian just nodded and started helping the guys collect the palm leaves they would need. Brian had noticed that Kevin and Nick seemed to be getting ready to share a place, and Howie and AJ were just assumed to be, and Gracie...was more or less already done with hers. She must have been one of those kids who always built forts, but nonetheless, as she finished hers she helped the other guys, which gave me a chance to get all the food together and figure out what to do for dinner, and see what the island has, in case we needed to be here for awhile. Cause we would need a food supply. Well I noticed the Coconuts, so if nothing else that's milk and food, and I am sure there are things there to hunt, and the plane wasn't exactly empty when it came to the food department. So I figure we had all we needed to survive, so I started on the fire. I made a large fire pit and outlined it in large stones, working up quite a sweat in the process. I figured I could just bathe later.
After a few hours, the fire was going strong, and the lean-to's were all up. I decided to sit away from everyone and watch the sunset, and wish the god a great nights rest, and to welcome the goddess to her rule. Plus I needed to think. I knew that I needed to be away from everything for a bit, but I didn't want to worry anyone, so after a bit I went back and just stared into the fire, as if I was 5 again. As I get lost in the flames, my mind gets lost in them as well. Almost as if it was flying. I started to remember a few things from my past. Some of the good I had. The times I was happy and content. I wasn't afraid, I remember playing outside, and my brother and I were so close. I guess I started smiling consciously as I remembered all the awards I would get thru High School. It wasn't the fact that no one was there to see me get the awards, which had always bothered me, but the fact that I was being recognized. People were seeing that I WAS worth time, and that I wasn't just another person to be overlooked. I made my presence known on that stage many times in my 4 years. Although no one from my family thought I counted enough to be there, I still knew that people were seeing I was worth the time it took to help me learn, and that was a great honor. It was a great honor to know that people finally saw in my what my few friends did, even if those that mattered most didn't it was appeasing that I was being seen there. I mean, its their loss really. These people, my teachers and advisors saw fit to give me awards and to tell others of my achievements who was I to let a small thing like no one of my family being there.
As the flames flickered in the light breeze, I seemed to get more lost in them. The moon was nearing full, and the air was a bit crisp, but nice all the more. As I slowly regain my surroundings, I noticed the guys just talking and being merry. AJ and Howie seemed to be talking to Gracie, and Kevin, Nick and Brian were in a conversation, no one really knowing I wasn't talking. So I went to my bag, and grabbed my binder I called a journal, and started to write. I wrote what I was feeling and telling my journal of what I was feeling. I think this break is what the guys needed. They seem at peace and happy for once. They were like friends, no fighting, just being there. AJ and Howie were talking to Gracie about love interests, and some flirting. I hoped it wouldn't tear their relationship apart, but I figured they were better than that. Besides, he wasn't going after Brian for getting me, so it might just be OK....right? So as I kept writing, I must have written a few pages by now, Brian softly looked over to me. "A bit Quiet tonight Jon?" So I looked up at him, and softly responded "I was just getting lost in the fire, I have always been enthralled by it, then decided to write a bit. Who knows I just may write your next big hit right?" With that I started chuckling not thinking much of my musical writing abilities, but the other guys just started agreeing after seeing the 7 sea's. "So what was the conversation about that you wanted to drag me into?" I said, with a smile, and by now AJ, Gracie, and Howie were joining the larger groups conversation. "We were just discussing how funny fate is sometimes, how some disasters were blessings in disguise and how ironic some things could be. Like this, it was actually just what we needed, a time away from everything to think, analyze.." Brian was going on as Kevin cut in, "Brian were you taking minutes and going to give him the play by play of the conversation?" Hearing him get cut off, I had to chuckle, and as he tackled Kevin and they started to wrestle around, I was really laughing, as were the others. Watching Kevin and Brian manhandle each other like 5 year olds trying to win an argument. Nick was watching just as intently as I was to see who would win this family squabble. I'd have joined in, but I didn't want to risk tearing anything open yet. Besides it was fun to just watch them go at it, Gracie started getting into it, as AJ and Howie stepped in and started to get both Brian and Kevin. So Kevin poked Brian. "Tag Team B-Rok..get them first?" Brian got a grin "Whoomp here we go train!" With that Brian and Kevin started to get AJ and Howie good. Them both thoroughly beaten, they crawled back over by Gracie, having hoped to impress her, now looking for sympathy from her, only to get a good laughing at. "They really whipped ya good!" Gracie said through laughing. She couldn't help but laugh as their attempt at impressing her failed for one, and even had they won, wouldn't have really impressed her anyhow. So They started talking again as Brian and I went to our Lean-to as did the rest, I made the fire good so it would burn for a few hours before burning out. As I cuddled up to Brian, I pulled over us a warm blanket. The guys said their goodnights, almost like the Brady Bunch. I think they had done it just to be cheesy, and it was! Later in the morning I awoke to Howie Screaming something at Kevin. I mumbled as I got up, as did Brian. All I heard was Howie screaming "What the hell are you two doing! Were you planning on telling the rest of us!" I slowly crept out to see what the commotion was, as did Gracie, and AJ was sitting by a new fire he must have made, leaving it be. "Kevin got up" What do we have to tell you EVERYTHING we do Howie. Do Nick and I have to report to you with every second we spend our free time!" I looked down. Mumbling "I knew this would happen" as I walked over there. Brian looked at me "Knew what would happen Jon?" "Huh" I looked at him." "What did you know was going to happen Jon?" "I just knew they'd start fighting soon." "Oh" was all Brian did in response and went over to Howie still screaming at Kevin. "Hey D it's really to early to be screaming at them, besides...all they did was sleep in the same lean-to, it's not like they were having sex." Howie looked at Brian "Yeah they weren't having sex, they were MAKING OUT THO, they may as well been bangin each other." Brian had a look on his face as if he had been slapped by Howie's words. He looked to Kevin "And you didn't tell us...why?" Kevin looked sympathetically at Brian "I just wanted to start this relationship off right, without you guys mucking around in it, just like you are now." Brian looked at me, and Nick was crying, saying the same thing over and over again "I knew we should have told them" Was all Nick was saying and Brian slowly asked me "You knew about all of this didn't you?" All I did was Nod yes, and he went on "Then how come you didn't say anything to me, at least to me?" I answered quickly yet intelligently, "Because Brian it really wasn't my place to say anything to anyone for one, and two, it really wasn't any of our business." Brian just looked away "Your keeping secrets from me Jon...Why?" I just looked at his back. "Keeping secrets? I kept no secret, that was information I shouldn't have had, and wasn't my place to tell you." Brian just turned around with a tear in his eye "I'll make another lean-to, since you made that one Jon. I don't think I can be around someone who lies to me, and cannot even be straight with me." I looked at him with a tear in my eye " if that's how you want it, by all means Brain, please don't let me hold you back." At this point Nick dove into Kevin's arms balling "See now Jon and Brian are breaking up over this Kevin, we should have just told them, I wanted to tell them Kevin, why couldn't we just tell them?" His voice started getting to desperate bawling, and slowly as he repeated it it turned to anger. "Maybe Brian has the right idea, maybe we should bunk alone Kevin..I can't stand hiding, and we hurt our friends for it, I need some time to think." So Brian and Nick each started setting up Lean-to's as I started putting my back pack on. I put on my Walkman, and then started walking away, not really caring where, needing to exercise and just blow off steam. Needing to find some space to just be me. Some time to just be me. As I was walking I thought I heard Nick trying to call out to me, but I just toned it out, and kept going. I must have been walking for hours, when I came upon a small clearing in the tree's. It was a beautiful waterfall, coming off a rocky cliff, causing a mist in the area, and a rainbow above the mist. There were all sorts of large exotic birds here, and beautiful sorts and shapes. As I was looking on, I remembered I had my camera with me, and started to snap photo's of the area, then took out my journal. A few tears in my eyes I made my entry, it was a long one, more than I had ever written. I had talked about fate, and its irony, and many pages on the beauty of this place. How tranquil it was, and how I could just sit here and think. It brought me back to the place I had back home where I would go to think, and just be by myself, It made me think back to the night I first met the guys. It made me think back to when I head Brian liked me. I remember feeling like I was going to melt, or wake up any second to find out I was dreaming. But I never did. Then I just started to write every little thing that had come to my mind, as the mist was coming over me, keeping me cool, and keeping me comfortable. Had I not been to worried to freeze later in the night, I'd have gone swimming, but I knew I was better off not. Then I started to scribe a new song, not realizing it, till it was almost done writing it. I knew this was another of my better songs, cause I didn't think to write it, it wrote itself, as did many of my songs. That's how I knew my writing was good, cause it came from dep within me. It was enough to know that I had written about what I felt, and how I felt about what Brian was doing. It was childish really. I knew Brian had felt I was lying to him, but I wasn't. It just wasn't my place to say anything, and he was just going to have to realize that, weather he did or not was up to him. So I started walking back in the direction I came from, and I didn't hear anything except the fire going. All the guys and Gracie were sitting around the fire, and eating, no one was talking to each other tho. So I said "Hello, goodnight" and went into my lean-to, and curled up with a blanket and pillow and just laid there, half expecting Brian to come in, but knowing he wasn't coming. This was the first night that I had slept alone, and it also made me glad I insisted on my own room, and if Brian and I had split they couldn't just get rid of me...so I wouldn't be stuck job less, and homeless. It also made me glad I knew that I would have time off to go home and kept the apartment, besides it really was a steal at the price, so I kept paying dad for it. I mean I really WAS making enough to afford it. I knew we'd be here at least another night, and I guess, I am hoping Brian will sleep on it and come to his senses. When I stirred awake in the early morning..which was terribly unusual for me, I saw the fire was out, but it was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, no clouds. The birds were out and the wind was but a soft breeze. This made me think of all the things I have had, lost, and had coming in the future. I started thinking of all the things I had to look forward to, even if Brian wasn't in that picture, life was going to go on, whether I liked it or not. Besides, I didn't want to be dependent on anyone for my happiness. So I slipped on my walk-man, my backpack, and off I went back tho that forest. It was a good hike and I liked walking. It was so beautiful there. I grabbed a few fruits off the trees for my breakfast, and again opened my journal. I had songs on my mind, and just a lot of other stuff, so I started writing. I felt the day go by..but it flew, and before I knew it, nighttime had fallen. I had packed up my stuff before it was too late to find my way back to the site, and grabbed my flashlight in case. As I started to make my way back, I realized this place was more beautiful at night than it was during the day. I could just imagine what they all did all day as I walked. They either argued over pointless stuff, or they just played games. Either way I just didn't care, cause I was having the time of my life. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, well as a writer it was my job to take those 1,000 words so you could see the picture. And with the beauty of the place I was in, there wasn't enough words, or paper to capture it. But still I tried, and tried. But I had done some of my best writing there. I remembered the details of the place, as if its beauty was meant for my eyes to see, untouched by humans. No greed, just pure innocence. No developers to ruin its majestic beauty. The animals not fearing humans, thinking it was just another animal of the forest. Not knowing how cruel human can be, and not knowing of the destruction we cause. The trees stood, as if daring the winds to blow them down, and the birds flew free, as if they were fish in water. The colors of the rainbow all meshed, as their vibrant colors shone from tip to root of each feather. Each bird more beautiful than the last, as I looked on. But I was leaving that world now, going back to one of arguments, money, greed, "Humanity" if we can truly call ourselves humane. Society, where difference is shunned. But that was my life, as much as this paradise cove was the birds, and I was determined to live my life like them. Care free. I won't let society dictate how I live. It was my time to shine. My time to let the colors of my inside flow to the out. And with my pen and paper I would do just that. I would make the world see how much they have been blind. How when their hearts are closed how can they feel love. When they look with their hears, true beauty will be seen. Besides, I was seeing the world. And this place was all a part of my destiny. And if losing Brian was on Fate's agenda, so be it. I would find my true love in due time. Until then, I had a great job, a life, and friends who care. So I was as happy as I could be, having all I needed. As I got back, I could hear some slight arguing, which made me glad I had my small lean-to away from the campsite. It was originally for me and Brian to have some privacy, but now served as giving me privacy, and instead of going to the fire to show I was there, I just went to bed. I curled up with the extra pillow, and blanket, and drifted off to sleep, not caring what was going on out there. I figured if someone was bleeding profusely or some other emergency happened they would find me. And if not, then its not my fault. I was the extra person here, and my job did not extend to keeping them safe on desert islands anyhow. My job was to keep the flooding girls at bay, not the flooding lives. Besides this showed them the things in life that no amount of money could ever buy. The pure beauty of the land was more than anyone could dream of. Besides, I had no regrets for the reason Brian was mad at me cause it really wasn't my place to say. As I got up, I started a small fire to cook on, humming a bit, and a large smile implanted on my face. I woke up and the images that I had left the day before were forever burned into my mind, no one could make me forget the beauty I saw there, nor could they ever hold me down, if I wanted something bad enough. So as the fire go going to a good pace, I took a few things from the area and made myself some breakfast. I mean that airplane had some good supplies on it. But I knew that they were running scarce, even if I wasn't here to eat anything the past few days. As I looked up from my cooking I saw Nick rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and sit down. I started to make him some, tho he tried telling me I didn't have to. As he sat, I noticed he came from his own lean-to. "You and Kevin still fighting Nick?" He looked up at me and just nodded "Yeah all these problems you and Brian are having could have been avoided, and the guys just keep going on and on about it." I looked at him, then took out a piece of paper and handed it to him "This is my number at home, I won't be with you guys much longer, but feel free to call if the guys get to be too much and you need to talk. If I am not home, I will get back to you ASAP." He looked shocked...."Your...leaving us..Jon?" I smiled and nodded "Yup, I figure I will stay a few weeks till you guys find an adequate replacement, and then it's back off to my apartment in Worcester. Its plenty for me, and I can get a job out there without much difficulties. Besides, do you think Brian will be comfortable seeing me, Knowing we used to be together?" Nick just looked at me, as I served him a plate with the food. "I suppose not, but then again...i still want you around. I know me and Kevin will get back together eventually. He is trying, and I do have feelings for him. I just need time to absorb things in. And I know Brian is mad when he shouldn't be, but you should see him Jon, He mopes all day. No one knows where you've been, but he misses you terribly. I think he wants to talk to you, and work it out." "That's all fine and well, but I'm not ready to "work it out" cause there shouldn't be anything to work out. Maybe in time, I will try. But for now, if I decide to go home, you have a way to keep in touch. YOU have a way, that's to stay with you, not given to the others." I made a serious face at him, and he nodded. I picked my bag up, as I saw Kevin getting up, coming towards me and Nick. I decided to stop and wait for him, and at least see him before I took off for the day again. I mean, I felt at peace where I was going, so I had to keep going. The air was like a drug, and I was hooked. I mean I was really hooked. But I knew I needed to see the guys at some point, so here I stayed. Kevin was rubbing his eyes, but seemed to be awake. He looked at me, then looked shocked. He saw Nick up too, I saw a smile reach his face seeing Nick, the a frown. I knew he realized what he was losing. "Hello Jon" Kevin said, as he tried to smile. All I could do was try to fake a smile "Hello, what's up?" He looked at me a second. "You staying around for a bit today to talk to Brian. He rally misses you, and he wants to talk to you more than you can imagine Jon..he really cares, he just wasn't thinking." So I answered plainly, "I found a place on this island that makes me feel happy, like I did when Brian held me at night. I found a place where I can just be me, and so no, I am not staying so Brian can hurt me more. I am going where I feel welcomed. I feel the Goddess, the holy mother of the earth helped me find that place to help me deal. Being in nature makes me feel good. Besides, you guys seem to be getting along fine without me." He shook his head. "No Brian is a moping mess, AJ and Howie have been trying to get Gracie to notice them..Nick seems to hate me, and Gracie seems to be lost between choosing between Howie, AJ, and worried cause your secluding yourself, and se knows what it means, tho isn't telling us. And then there has been no contact with land. Food is scarce." I had to cut him off there. "Food is all around you. Unprocessed, and no chemicals. This island provides more than enough for an army, if you look. And Nick doesn't hate you, but he is mad, and hurt. And he feels this thing between me and Brian is his fault, which is a lot for someone his age. Its a lot for me to deal with at my age too, but I put myself here. Not him. Go to him and talk, and as for rescuing, you guys will be, your celebrities. Then you can go back to the concert touring, and me home." With that I started walking back to my area on this island. The piece that calls to my soul. Kevin had called out trying to figure out what I meant by going home..but I ignored him, and the island as the headphones went on, the world went off.
*************** Nick and Kevin By the Fire
Kevin slowly walked up to Nick, as Nick turned around, he visibly tensed up. He really wanted to be with Kevin, but he knew he and Kevin had a lot of talking to do. Kevin sat next to Nick and hugged him close, as a tear fell from his eye. "Nick, I know I have a hard time with my emotions" Nick started to cut him off, but Kevin continued "No please let me do this. And I know we should have told the guys. But I wasn't ready to tell them, and let them muck around in our relationship. And I NEVER meant to break Jon and Brian up, I mean that's just wrong. I talked to Brian about it, and he knows. But Jon seems not ready to go to Brian and talk. But I can't stand another night without you Nick. I need you in my arms at night, I need your body with mine so I know it will all be OK. Even if we stay here forever, if I have you it doesn't matter to me. Cause right now, and forever, all I want is you by my side. That's all I will ever need, and ever want." With that a few more tears graced his eyes, and Nick Hugged him close...a few tears on his cheeks as well. "I can accept that Kevin, but no more secrets from the guys. I felt so ashamed I had to hide to be with you, and couldn't hold you around them..and now look, it took Jon losing Brian to keep us together. He's going home soon. After that there is no hope really of getting them back together. I mean, if they lose each other over this, I don't know what I would do." With that being said, Kevin started to get an idea, to have Brian follow me to my spot, but then he figured that would get me mad, so he just kind of hung off a bit.
****************Back At The Cove
The sea breeze was blowing here, the winds were a bit more than before. But it still was pleasant. The birds seemed away tho, as if expecting something, but I still just sat there planning, as I let my mind work. I knew I would be going home sooner or later, and its been but a month. But as far as people knew, I never left. I just wasn't around, save for work. But I knew my resume would get me a new job soon as I got home, it was just a matter of getting it out, fixing it a bit, and then applying for some jobs. Or maybe I'd suffer through this one, I mean I made the choice for better or worst, maybe I will just take a month off, and tell the guys I am going home. They'll all think its permanent, but still want to see the world, and this will do that. And even without Brian....as the thoughts came, so did a few tears I had been holding....I know its going to be hard seeing and working with him, but at least I will know he is safe and protected. That will have to be enough for me. And maybe one day we can repair the friendship. Stranger things have happened to me I guess, and I would be a fool if I didn't take this opportunity to see the world, and fulfill all my dreams. Besides, it's not where you are it's who your with.
The wind had started to pick up a bit more, and my mind had sufficiently wondered off enough for one day, even if I was only here for and hour or two. Besides...I hadn't heard from or seen the pilot or the attendant in days, nor did I care for that matter. And if the wind is like this here, it may mean we need better shelter for the night. As I started walking back to camp, the winds kept pushing me a bit from behind, as if changing direction just to help me get back faster. As this happened, I knew it was far from coincidence, so I knew something was wrong, or was going to be wrong. I just hoped there would be something I could do to help the situation. But I needed to find out what the situation was first. As I was walking I was looking for caves, but found none. I remembered seeing one off in the distance back by camp, and I never scouted it out. It would have to make due if this was a hurricane starting, cause if it is, we may not have time to look for more appropriate surroundings. The clouds were getting darker, and I still had a good 10 minutes to walk back to camp. Even jogging, I have a good jog, but I started regardless, cause seconds can make all the difference in an emergency.
As I got back to the camp, the winds had all but died down, and the clouds were barely graying..all the guys were around the tents keeping entertained in various ways. Gracie and AJ, Howie, Nick, Kevin had some sort of game going. It almost looked like charades. Brian was with the pilot with the radio, trying to get it to work. I wonder if the pilot has been at that thing all day, cause if he has, and this whole time, someone should smack him cause its broken. Anyhow, Brian seemed content, so I went to the game, or rather was dragged. Gracie saw me in the middle of her turn to try and get her phrase out. Her eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped. But that's probably because they haven't seen me in days, and I looked less than my best from not sleeping well. I smiles and shook my head at her, and all the guys turned around to see what she was gawking at. It was too funny to see the guys. They looked like how I felt. They were a mess, so I started laughing, and laughing hard. Least I managed a bath..well as much of a bath that you can have without soap. The waterfall served many purposes today. So I looked decent compared to them.
Kevin looked at me, then he started thinking..he looked lost in thought. "Kev! Your staring." I slapped him. To try and wake him up, cause he didn't hear me yell at him..tho it was a light slap. He finally got the clue he was staring. "Your taken remember?" Again I chuckled, looking at Nick who was blushing, but Kevin didn't falter. I guess we were noisy cause Brian looked over, even tho I didn't see him. "So are you Jon" Kevin shot back quickly. All I could do was shake my head, and hold back the tears. "I WAS taken, now if you'll excuse me, I was coming to warn you a hurricane is coming and get to shelter, But you know what. I think I'll just go alone and then no one will notice what you said. On a side note Kevin, thanks for making me feel worst than I have in years I appreciate it." And I walked off. For some strange reason, I can't take a joke lately. Scary. I guess the whole Brian thing will always be a sore spot. But what can I do, it's over, time to move on.
I started off to the caves with my pack, and a few essentials from my lean-to, kind of hoping that they all caught the hint I was giving them, cause I really thought it was a hurricane brewing. I could hear and fell the winds picking up, and the smell of salt water stronger. It was as if I was in a bad horror movie. I was in a cave, starting a fire, while there was a hurricane brewing outside. Its been a few hours since I left the guys, and none have shown up just yet. Now I know I was a bit subtle, but I know I had the words hurricane, coming, shelter all in that phrase. Well I guess it was my turn to go get them. I started working my way out the cave. I could feel the wind gusts shooting throughout the caves, but I wasn't ready for what I was seeing outside. It was dark outside, real dark. The winds were at a vicious speed, and the tree's were rocking violently. Each swaying like it would snap off in the breeze. But still no sign of the guys. The rain was starting up, so I knew it was about to get bad, as I could hear the thunderous Booms and the bright lights coming from the storm.
As I started off to the make-shift camp, the wind was getting stronger, and had changed directions, as if trying to hinder my way to the guys and Gracie. The more it pushed me, the more I pushed to get to the camp. I could hear the muffled yells coming from the campsite. The guys must have ignored me, and not packed up, because it sounded like they were scavenging for all they could carry as quickly as they could manage. It took me a few more minutes to get there. I had to yell to be heard over the blustering winds. "LETS GO GUYS, OVER HERE!!!! THE CAVE IS THIS WAY!" they started darting out towards where I was yelling. Brian taking the lead. I started dragging him, and he the rest. I could have sworn I felt him squeeze my hand, but that had to be just my imagination, cause he was over me, as fast as I fell for him. But now wasn't the time, now was the time to get to the cave.
I kept seeing flashes of light, then hearing thunderous booms, as the lightning crashed. A few times it hit palm tree's and I could see the fires starting, but still I was dragging the guys, taking the lead. The water had saturated us to the bone, and the rain kept coming. I could see the cave, and started pushing the guys towards it as I stayed back to make sure they had all got in. Brian for some reason was dragging along, and was the last to go in, waiting for me I guess, as I started, I saw a bright flash of light very close. I heard it hit a tree, the tree next to Brian, and saw the flames, as it was falling. I don't really remember what was happening, all I know is my feet started moving, as if in slow motion out of one of those horror movies gone wrong. I could hear the guys yelling, and Brian just seemed to terrified to move to save his own life. As I saw the tree falling I moved faster than I think I ever have in my life.
As the things around me became a blur, I got to Brian, and threw him out of the way. But my timing was far from off as the tree hit my back, pinning me to the ground, and trapping Brian's leg under it. Thankfully my back too the brunt of it, and Brian's leg was trapped, but not broken. The gods were watching over him, as I had asked in so many of my prayers. I screamed in agony as I felt the pressure of the tree on my back, and I knew what was happening. I saw Brian's leg caught and the guys trying to work the tree up to get us out. In shallow words, I managed to yell out to Kevin and the guys. Get Brian out, then go to the cave, there is a fire lit. It will be safe, I should be able to lift it up enough for you to get him out with help." Kevin looked at me, and Brian shouted "Were not leaving anyone behind." I got my best angered voice I could manage "You'll go and that's all there is to say about it. You will go on and be happy. You'll meet the man of your dreams and be happy, and you'll soon forget me, now GO!" on the word go, I started lifting with all I was worth. I remembered the love I felt from Brian in the hospital, and I let my heart guide me to save him. I knew he'd be ok. I felt the guys help, but the tree was too heavy to move, and saw Kevin drag Brian off into the cave, and I smiled. The wind was picking up, and I closed my eyes, for what looks like the final time. The image of Brian in my eyes, a smile on my face. I had no real regrets to think of, as my legacy was in that cave in my backpack. My little place on the world will be made through my writing and through the love I have given. I knew now that I had served a greater purpose in life than just living. I had found the meaning of life, and that was love. Love unconditional was the reason that humans were given the ability to think, and see and love. It was what separated us from the animals. If we were meant to be slaves and work our whole lives away, we would be ants. If we were made just t o reproduce, we'd be a common animal. We were given the ability to think, rationalize, and love to use it. Our purpose on this world is love unconditional. To be loved, to give love. In the simplest desire, yet the hardest emotion to fulfill. It's the one emotion that can never be defined, because there is no one certain way to love, its as situation and person specific as anything can be, and I had it. But now it was time to move on, and to let him be happy, and let him find his love.
I heard the soft crying whispering from the caves, and what sounded like Brian's voice. It was Faint, but I understood it, with what little consciousness I had left. I could feel the cold water seeping into my bones as I listened. I could hear him whimpering. Something about losing his one love in a storm. Was I his love. No I couldn't be cause we weren't together, he didn't trust me. Then I remembered the peaceful cove. The soft colors on the birds, as my mind drifted, I could hear a scream, as if someone had died. It was Brian's voice. He must have felt me slipping away, cause I heard the guys scuffling to stop him from running out. If I was his love I couldn't just die. So once more I called out to the guardians. After calling the four corners, for the last time I thought, I prayed to the goddess..."Great mother, who brought me into this world. I know you choose whom lives and dies. Is it your will to take me? If it is, I offer no resistance, but if its not your will, then please give me the strength to help me. The power to endure this utter cold. Give me the peace of mind to survive. But if it is your will that I be taken into your bountiful home, then I go willingly."
I felt a sudden calmness, and the winds almost felt as if they stopped blowing. The winds started sweeping under me, as if helping me to lift the tree off of my back. As soon as I rolled it off of my back, I got up..and stumbled away from I, not able to keep awake, I fell over, the water still pouring over my battered body.
***********The Cave
The guys had drug Brian into the cave, and Gracie just looked out in horror. She wasn't sure if she had ever felt like this in her life. She like Brian felt me slipping away and was powerless to stop it. The pilot and stewardess were just huddled in the corner afraid to say or do anything more than just sit by the fire I had made hours before. Brian was in tears in Nick's lap. He felt my energy slipping away from him. "Nick, I never...never said..good..good bye to him. I never even got to say good-bye." Brian was in hysterics, as he was losing the one thing that meant more to him than life itself. True love. He was losing a piece of himself. "Why..why did i..Nick, why did I leave him...i should be out there not him...and we should have been together. But I was stupid...why did I do all this." He looked to his chest, to his ever present cross. Holding it into his fingers, and cried "How can I believe in a god so heartless, so cruel he'd take away a love from my arms." And then the rest was mumbles. Kevin sat there watching Brian, wondering if there was anything more they could do. But knowing there wasn't. He sat there looking at Nick, stroking Brian's hair, with the touch much like a mothers. Soothing her aching child. He realized what he too almost lost in this island paradise. But he couldn't help but know how Brian had felt. At the same time, he had no idea to the depth, cause Nick's life wasn't in danger, they had merely broken up.
Soon the guys heard a deep, gut wrenching scream come from Brian's mouth, as he and Gracie had felt the last of me slipping away from them. They no longer felt my presence with them, and no longer felt me around them. The two of them were crying, tho the rest could only sit and watch, helplessly, as their friend was out under a tree dying and two other friends sat by, dying on the inside, of a loss of a friend so true, a love so grand, and a timeless thought that has now ended. All while they were in a dark cave, cut off from the world, and powerless to do more than think, which at the moment their minds seemed to be their enemy as opposed to their friend. All anyone could think of was the face Jon wore, as he made them go, Taking Brian away from their sights. Seeing him sacrifice his very life for that of another. Not many people would have been that way, time and again. But he demanded them go, what could they do but listen. Now they had to live without all the things that might have been. All the good that could have come, all the regrets of never even saying good-bye. In their rush to get to safety, none had even been able to say their last good-bye. What a fate that they couldn't think of the words, and now that it is too late, they cannot say good-bye.
Gracie looked up, for a minute. "Where is his backpack. He never travels without it, and he didn't have it out there, So its in here." All the guys save Brian, who was too caught up in tears stared at her. Nick yelled at her "HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! HE'S DYING AND YOU WANT HIS FUCKING BAG!" She wiped away her tears, but it was frivolous, because new ones just took the place of the old ones. As the streaks went down her cheeks and fell. "No but I know in his religion, when one losses someone in their life, you light a white candle to light their way to the next life, or to heaven. Where ever you believe you will go, it lights their way. And he always has candles on him, and a match or lighter. I will light the candle in respect to him, and in my way of saying goodbye." Gracie sifted through my bag, finding the 8 pack of white candles in my bag, and lit one, handing it to Brian whispering to him. "I know it hurts, and we didn't say good-bye. Hold this candle, and picture him moving into heavens gates. Light his way to the unknown Brian, and say your good-bye." Then she handed one to each of them, telling them to say their final good-bye.
Brian first said soft prayer to himself, and then a hushed whisper "I will not forget the way you saved me, time and again. The way you saved me from never being loved, and you saved my very soul. You took me from the depths of utter misery, and lifted me to a place none could reach. You flew on wings, none could see it. Now your god will make you an angel and let the world see the wings you lifted people with. May your heart keep strong, and I will join you soon." He spoke so softly that none heard him, but Nick...but the look on Nick's face was fear.
I am sorry it took so long, I know its been months, and I kind of left you on an edge. Life is my excuse.or rather explanation, cause there should be no excuses, life will move on. I had to put out another part, but my life became very hectic, and there was nothing more I could do to speed it up. Look for me, I am always on AOL if ya want to talk, and you can look to see if this is where the story ends. Only I know that answer...so for now, all the friends I have made thru writing, I thank you and cherish you. Too all the friends I have yet to meet, keep your chin up, and remember. Life will go on. The only question is will you. Will you live life, or let it consume you. Will you live the 9-5 workday and wallow in misery, or have fun, even despite the unhappiness you have experienced. We all have crosses to bear, some more than others, but never think your crosses are more than anothers, cause yes they maybe..but to the person you are talking to, your just belittling them and saying their problems are less important than yours...be well, merry meet. And remember to love.