Bright Things Come to Confusion

Bright Things Come to Confusion Part 4 of 4

I woke up early the next morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I was determined to find Dad -- the sooner the better. I needed to talk to him, to know what had happened. I felt as if there was some vital information missing that I had to have in order to move on with my life.

I forced myself to wait until what I considered to be a decent hour before calling Mr. Grant. Mom had left to do some shopping and Kane was out skating, so I had the house to myself. Being a Saturday morning, I'd hoped the Marsh's would be at home and my guess turned out to be right. A woman answered the phone on the second ring.

"Uh, is Grant Marsh there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, hold on while I get him," she told me. A moment or two later, a man came on the line.

"Mr. Grant?" I paused. Now that I had him on the phone, I wasn't quite sure what to say. "Um, I don't know if you remember me or not. My name is Seth Connelly. You used to live next door to me."

"Of course I remember you, Seth," he said quickly, the curiosity and perplexity plain in his voice. "How's your mom?"

"She's fine," I answered. "But actually, I was calling about my dad."

"Your...dad?" I'd obviously surprised him.

"Yes. Do you, uh, know where he is?"

"Do I what? You mean you don't know?"

"No. I haven't seen him since he moved out. The last time I saw him he was at your house."

"Oh wow, I had no idea it was that bad," he muttered to himself. A long silence stretched on the phone.

"Mr. Grant?" I asked, reminding him I was there.

"Yes, Seth. I'm sorry. I was trying to decide what to do."

"I just need to talk to him. Please."

He sighed. "You've placed me in a very awkward position, Seth. Obviously, your mother has kept you from your father for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I hate to go behind her back. At the same time, I hate to see you and your dad kept apart. I know he wants to see you. I don't see him much these days, but I know he's gone through some hard times missing you boys."

"If he misses us so much, why hasn't he tried to see us?" I couldn't help asking.

Another pause. "You'll have to talk to him about that."

"So you'll tell me how to find him?"

Another sigh. "Yes."

"Thank you! Thank you so much!"

"Don't thank me yet," he said sourly. "The truth is, I lost touch with your dad after our mutual friend died. He kind of withdrew to himself for a while. I know that when he moved out of Uncle Charlie's house, he got an apartment or townhouse or something like that, but I don't really know where it is."

"Uncle Charlie?"

"Charlie was a friend of mine who I introduced your dad to when he needed some help. He died last year."

"Oh. Do you at least know his phone number? It's not listed in the phone book."

"Hang on a second and I'll see if I have it."

I heard him set the phone down and then sat anxiously as I waited for him to come back. My stomach was clenched in anticipation; I could almost hear the blood rushing in my ears. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he came back on the line.

"Good news!" he announced and I breathed a sigh of relief. "Not only did I find his phone number, but I also found an address that I don't remember him giving me. My wife must have written it in there. Do you have a pen and paper ready?"

"Hang on," I gasped as I scrabbled around the desk for a piece of paper and a pen. I ripped the bottom off a grocery list I'd started earlier in the week and started testing pens. It seemed like every one I grabbed had run dry. "Okay, go ahead."

He read off a phone number and address for me as I scrawled it onto the paper with a shaking hand. It was a Baltimore address. That meant he wasn't far away at all. All this time he'd been living so close and I hadn't even known it. For that matter, I'd been so busy being angry at him for leaving that I'd never even wondered where he was.

I thanked Mr. Grant and hung up. For a long time, I just sat and stared at the torn sheet of paper. It was my first tangible link to Dad in years. If I chose, I could pick up the phone right now and call him, hear him speak. It had been so long since I'd heard his voice. My hand reached out for the phone, almost of its own volition, but I stopped just short of picking up the receiver.

Hearing him wasn't enough. I wanted to see him.

I pulled my hand away from the phone and tried to figure out how to get to him. Once again, I found myself cursing the fact that I couldn't drive yet. I pulled out my wallet and stared dejectedly at its pathetic contents: three whole dollars. That left a taxi out. I could probably take a bus, but I'd never ridden one in my life and, if I had to be honest, I was a little scared at the prospect. There was no way I could walk there; I wasn't even sure where "there" was.

Suddenly, a crazy idea occurred to me. Or maybe it wasn't so crazy. I quickly looked up a phone number and dialed it.

"Hello," I said when someone answered. "Is Cole there?"

"Speaking," he said and despite my reason for calling, I felt a quickening of my heartbeat.

"Hi, Cole," I said, suddenly shy. "This is Seth."

"I know. I recognized your voice." He sounded genuinely happy that I'd called and I suddenly felt guilty for only calling him because I needed a ride.

"Oh...I...uh...I need to see you," I stammered.

"Really?" He sounded excited.

"Um, yeah. I need to talk to you about something. And I kind of need a favor."

"Anything," he said without hesitation.

"You may want to hear me out before you commit to anything," I warned him.

"When do you want to talk?"

"Anytime, but preferably not on the phone. Are you busy now?"

"Not really. I was just hanging around the house. You want me to come over?"

"Could you?"

"Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

We said goodbye and I hung up. Once again, I stared at the address. I was getting closer all the time, but closer to what? I slipped the scrap of paper into my pocket and went to watch at the front window for Cole to arrive.

I had intended to head him off in the driveway and ask him if we could go somewhere else, but he was out of the car before I could even get to the door and it seemed rude not to invite him in. I was nervous as hell since I didn't know when Mom would be home. I really didn't want to have to explain Cole to her; I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a friend over to the house.

I quickly showed him around the house, which didn't take long since it wasn't very big, and the tour ended in my room. As he stepped into my sanctuary, I suddenly felt very vulnerable. Except for Kane and my mom, no one had been in here for years. I wondered what Cole would think of the painted ceiling that suddenly felt extremely juvenile. Or the ragged teddy bear sitting on top of my dresser, the one I'd had since I was born. Or the assortment of academic trophies on the shelf. Would he see me as an immature geek? I held my breath as he looked around.

"Nice," he said and I let out my pent up breath in a whoosh. "The ceiling is really cool," he added.

"My dad and I painted it," I said softly.

He turned to face me. "I don't think I've ever heard you mention your dad before," he said casually.

"I haven't seen him in years," I blurted out.

His eyes widened. "Oh my God! I'm so sorry," he said as he reached out a hand, as if to snatch back his words.

"No, it's...it's ok. It's a long story."

"I have time," he said and looked into my eyes. I tried to look away, but somehow couldn't. I saw something there that made me want to tell him the whole story -- but not here.

"Can we go somewhere else and talk?" I asked.

He gave me a confused look.

"I don't know when my mom is coming home and I'd rather not be here when she does."

Understanding flooded his eyes. He had such expressive eyes. I could tell almost every thought that went through his mind without him even needing to speak. If I'd been able to look him in the eyes before, maybe I would have seen his feelings for me before things reached the point they did at the park last night. Not that I would have had the nerve to act on them, so maybe it was better that things had happened the way they had.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Anywhere."

He smiled. "Then I have an idea."

"Where?"

"I'll surprise you."

I found myself smiling in return. We started for the door at the same time and stopped awkwardly.

"You go first," I said shyly.

He just stared into my eyes and once again, I was caught in his gaze.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you after I dropped you off last night," he said in a husky voice.

My breath caught in my throat as he leaned slowly towards me. His lips closed over mine and my arms instinctively circled around his neck. I was losing myself in his kiss when I heard the front door open. I leaped away from Cole as if I'd been burned.

"I'm sorry..." he started but I shook my head to cut off his unnecessary apology.

"Let's go," I said, eager to get out before Mom did something to embarrass me.

I made a beeline for the door, passing Mom as she went into her bedroom with an armload of purchases.

"I'm going out," I called to her.

She glanced up to respond and stopped when she saw Cole. Her eyes narrowed and she stepped back into the hall.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" she said.

"Mom, this is Cole. Cole, this is my mother, Eve Connelly."

"Eve Douglas," she responded quickly. My eyes grew wide. I hadn't known she'd gone back to her maiden name. "What's your last name, Cole?"

"McBride, ma'am," he answered politely.

"Where are you going?" she asked me, although her eyes never left Cole. I was impressed that he refrained from squirming under her scrutiny. Where her sudden interest in my activities had come from, I didn't know. Usually she couldn't care less what Kane and I did as long as we left her alone and stayed out of trouble.

"Just out," I said.

She finally turned her icy glare to me. It's funny how when you're around someone all the time, you tend to stop really looking at them, but now I saw her as Cole must see her. She was a small woman, barely reaching five foot in height and if she weighed a hundred pounds soaking wet, I'd be surprised. But what she lacked in size, she made up for in personality. She exuded an intimidating aura that left men more than twice her size trembling in her wake. She'd had long hair when I was younger, but a few years ago, she'd started wearing it short, almost severely so. It was still as fiery red as ever, but now instead of curtain of red gold, the spiky locks more closely resembled dancing flames. Her eyes were the same shade of intense green that both Kane and I shared.

She stared at me for a few seconds and then she simply turned and went back into her bedroom. "Don't be late," she called over her shoulder, almost as an afterthought.

"Let's go," I said, grateful for the release.

"Wow, your mom is intense," Cole said once we were in his car.

"You're telling me," I muttered.

"Is she like that all the time?"

"These days."

"But not always?"

I gave him a quizzical look. "Why all the questions about my mom?"

"I'm sorry," he said, blushing slightly. "I just want to know everything about you. I guess I'm just trying to find it all out at once."

"We have plenty of time," I said with a smile. He smiled back, started the car, and backed out onto the road. "Do I get to know where we're going yet?" I asked.

"Nope," he said with one of his grins. "But feel free to start talking any time. I can drive and listen at the same time."

"Talk about what?" I asked in confusion.

He shrugged. "Beats me. You're the one who said you needed to talk to me when you called earlier. If you don't know what about, I sure don't."

I laughed but then sobered up quickly. Cole noticed and glanced over at me with concern on his face.

"Hey look, if this is about me asking you to be my boyfriend, you're right, it was too fast. I should have never asked. It was wrong of me to put you in that position."

"It's not about that. And you had every right to ask. I just need a little more time. Actually, what I did want to talk to you about is one of the reasons why I need more time."

"I'm listening," he said gently when I paused.

I took a deep breath. "When I was twelve, I woke up one night to hear my parents fighting. That was nothing new really; they'd been fighting for about as long as I could remember, but that night it seemed worse than usual. So I got out of bed and tried to sneak out into the hallway to hear what they were fighting about.

"When I opened the door, my little brother Kane was already out in the hall and he barged into the living room where Mom and Dad were. Dad sent us back to our rooms, but I couldn't sleep. Later that night, I went into Kane's room to see if he'd heard more than I did. He had and he started telling me about it. He said he'd heard them use the word faggot. I panicked. I knew what a faggot was and I was pretty sure I was gay by that time. I went to the living room and there was my mom at the computer, looking at all the pictures I had on there." I paused again and glanced over at Cole, trying not to blush. His eyes were on the road but I had no doubt that he was listening intently. "They were pictures of naked boys. I figured they'd found them and that's what they were fighting about. I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, Dad was gone. I never saw him again. Mom never mentioned the pictures and we weren't allowed to talk about Dad. That was when she started changing."

"Oh wow. Seth I'm so sorry..." Cole started.

"Just wait," I interrupted. "I'm just getting started. I spent the next few years believing that Dad left because he found out I was gay and couldn't handle it and that Mom had pulled away because she was disgusted too, but stuck with me as my mother. I tried to be the perfect son. And I tried to be straight. I kept thinking that if I was good enough, maybe she'd love me again and somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped Dad would come back. Neither happened, but something else happened recently that changed everything.

"When I came out to Kane, he told me what else he'd heard that night. It has nothing to do with me."

"You mean they didn't know you're gay?"

"No, they have no idea from what I can tell now."

"Then why did Kane hear them say something about a faggot? And why did your dad leave?"

"They were fighting because my dad is gay too."

"What?" he exclaimed, looking over at me and swerving dangerously into the wrong lane.

"Eyes on the road!" I squealed. Once the car was back on the right side of the road, I continued. "From what Kane heard, Dad is gay and Mom freaked out about it. Which I guess I can understand. She threw him out."

"But why haven't you seen or heard from him since he left? Even if they got divorced, wouldn't he have visitation rights?"

"I don't know. That's one of the things I want to talk to him about."

"You're going to talk to him?"

"I hope so. That's what I need your help with."

"Me?"

"Yeah. I managed to get his address, but I don't have any way of getting there..."

"I'll take you," he said immediately.

"Are you sure? I mean, I hate to even ask, but I don't have anyone else..."

"You didn't ask. I offered."

"But I mean..."

"I offered, Seth. I want to do this for you. I want to help."

I was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I turned quickly towards the window as the first few tears squeezed out and rolled down my cheeks. "Thank you," I managed to mumble.

As I stared out the window, I noticed where we were for the first time. We'd driven into the city and we were heading steadily towards the Inner Harbor. Baltimore's harbor is one of the oldest harbors in America. It had become a very dangerous and seedy place until the 1970's when it was completely redeveloped and restored. Now it's a beautiful tourist attraction with restaurants, shops, the National Aquarium, street entertainers and much more.

"We're going to the Inner Harbor," I announced brilliantly. As if this was news to Cole.

"It's about time you figured it out."

"My mind was on other things," I defended myself, but with a smile, since I knew he was only kidding. I realized that I'd better snap out of it and start paying more attention to Cole.

"Oh, is my presence distracting you?" he teased.

I gave him a sidelong glance from under lowered lashes, trying to act as sexy as I knew how. I didn't have a lot of practice. "You know it," I purred...or tried to purr. I guess I pulled it off because I got the satisfaction of seeing Cole blush.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat. "I, uh, was planning on maybe taking you to the Aquarium if you were interested, but if you want we can just go right to your dad's."

"The Aquarium?" I repeated dumbly. The National Aquarium is world-famous and huge. It's home to over 10,000 animals. It also costs about $18.00 to get in. "I, uh, didn't bring any money with me."

"That's ok. I was planning on paying for you anyway."

"You don't have to do that!"

"I know, but I was hoping you'd let me. Think of it as our first date."

I felt my face flush with pleasure. I could barely wrap my mind around the idea of me going on a date with Cole McBride. It didn't seem possible.

We had a great time. For a while, I was able to forget everything else and just enjoy being with Cole. We tried to be as discreet as possible, but the occasional lingering touches or quick kisses stolen when no one was in sight were as exciting as anything I'd ever experienced. Our visit finally had to come to an end, though. I felt sad that it was over, but as soon as we stepped outside, my thoughts immediately went back to my father. I guess Cole sensed the shift in my mood, because he didn't waste any time.

"Are you ready to go look for your dad now?" he asked.

I took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"So what's the address?"

I dug out the scrap of paper and handed it to him. He cocked an eyebrow and let out a low whistle. "I have an aunt who lives in this neighborhood," he said. "It's really nice."

"So you know where it is?" I asked excitedly.

"More or less. Let's go."

I spent the drive in quiet anticipation. Cole seemed to sense my need for silence and respectfully left me to my thoughts. I was so nervous by the time we arrived in front of the two-story brownstone townhouse that I felt like I was about to crawl out of my skin.

Cole shut off the car, but I didn't move to get out. After a minute, Cole spoke up. "I, uh, can't imagine how scary this must be," he said softly, "but I want to respect your privacy and all, so I'll stay in the car if you want."

I shook my head no. "Please come with me," I managed to whisper.

Cole slipped out of the car, came around to my door, and opened it for me. Still, I sat unmoving. I just couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. Cole reached out a hand and I reluctantly took it and let him draw me from my seat.

"Now what?" I asked. My voice broke on the second word, sending the end of the question into an upper register that caused me to flinch.

"Now we go find which one is his and knock on the door," Cole said gently.

"What if he's not home?" Now that we were here, I was determined to postpone this as long as possible.

"Then we come back another time."

"What if he doesn't want to see me?"

"Then we leave, but I seriously doubt that's going to happen."

"I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life," I confided.

He took my hand in his and smiled at me. "That's why I'm here."

After a few shaky breaths and I was ready. Finding which one was Dad's townhouse was as easy as finding the unobtrusive brass letters above the doors. I stood in front of Dad's door shaking with nerves and squeezing Cole's hand so hard it's a miracle I didn't shatter it. I was about to chicken out and make a break for the car when Cole reached up and knocked on the door.

"What did you do that for?" I gasped.

"It's what you do when you want someone to answer the door," he said mildly. "And you looked like you were about run."

Before I could respond, the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was my Dad. He didn't really look any different than the last time I'd seen him, except maybe not as tall. I guess he hadn't shrunk, I'd just gotten taller. His shoulders were just as broad, he still wore his reddish-blonde hair short, and his eyes were the same shade of pale blue. He looked like he was in better shape, but other than that, it was the Dad I remembered.

As he focused on my face, it took him a second to realize who I was, then a few more seconds to process the fact that I was standing on his doorstep. He stared speechlessly at me, his eyes wide, and his mouth forming a perfect "O" of surprise.

"Hi Dad," I squeaked.

"Oh my God, Seth," he whispered, and then a shout, "Seth!" He leaped towards me and threw his arms around me in a bone-crushing bear hug. The next thing I knew, I was clinging to him like a child and weeping into his shoulder, Cole all but forgotten. I don't know how long we were lost in our own little world, speaking a language that isn't spoken aloud, but eventually I became aware that Cole was still standing awkwardly on the steps and we'd been joined by another man around Dad's age.

I didn't want to let go, but Dad gently pushed me away and held me by my shoulders, looking me over intently.

"I can't believe how much you've grown," he said, his voice choked with emotion. "I doubt I'd even recognize Kane now."

I couldn't help grinning. "He doesn't look that different. He's not grown as much as I have."

He shook his head in confusion. "But what...how...?"

"It's a long story," I said.

He suddenly seemed to remember that we weren't alone. "Well we can't stand out here on the front steps all day. Come in, and, uh, you too, of course," he added to Cole, who was still trying to melt into the scenery.

We followed Dad and the other man through a short entranceway and into a well-decorated living room. The color scheme was decidedly masculine, all dark browns and tans. It was very cozy and den-like. I don't know what I had been expecting but this wasn't quite it. We all stood awkwardly in the center of the room for a few moments; no one seemed to know what to say. Finally, Dad took the initiative and began a round of introductions.

He cleared his throat. "Steve, this is my son Seth," he said formally. "Seth, this is..." He paused and looked into Steve's eyes. "...this is my boyfriend, Steve."

Steve was about the same height as Dad, a little over six foot, and in just as good shape. His hair and eyes were dark and he had a small neat mustache. He smiled at Dad's words and then shook my hand.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Seth. I've heard an awful lot about you."

I couldn't help but blush. "It's nice to meet you too, Steve."

And then it was time for me to introduce Cole.

"Cole, this is my Dad." As I was speaking, several things clicked into place at once. I took a deep breath and couldn't hold back my grin. "Dad, this is my boyfriend, Cole."

I don't know who was more surprised, Cole, Dad, or Steve. The looks on their faces were so comical it was all I could do not to laugh out loud.

"Boyfriend?" Cole and Dad chorused, recovering at the same time.

I just grinned in response.

"You mean...you're..."

"Gay," I announced happily. It felt so right and so...good just to say it out loud. It was strangely freeing. It was almost like I was accepting it myself for the first time.

Dad looked like he needed to sit down. For that matter, so did Cole. Steve must have agreed with my assessment, because he gently took Dad by the arm and led him to the nearby sofa. "Have a seat," he said, indicating the two overstuffed armchairs. Cole and I sat and waited for Dad to process this new bit of information.

"So how did you find your dad?" Steve asked to fill the silence.

"I called our old neighbor, Mr. Grant, to see if he happened to know where Dad was living now. I lucked out and he did."

"Pretty resourceful," Steve commented.

"You're gay?" Dad asked suddenly, sounding incredulous.

"Yeah."

"Did you know I was before you came here?"

"Yeah, but I just found out recently."

"I guess your mother told you."

"No, actually Kane did. Mom never even mentions you."

"Kane?" Dad exclaimed. "How does he know?"

"He overheard you and Mom fighting that night...the night you left. He's known all along but he never told me. I guess he thought I knew too."

Dad shook his head in disbelief. "When did you figure out that you were gay?" he asked.

"I knew before you left. Actually, I've spent the last few years thinking that was why you left." A pained expression crossed Dad's face. "I thought you and Mom found out and you couldn't stand it so you left. I tried to pretend I was straight, but..."

Dad exploded with a strangled sob. I was across the room before Steve could get his arm around Dad's shoulder. I knelt in front of my father and hugged him close. "It's ok, Dad," I whispered. "Cole's really helped me a lot."

He struggled to get himself under control. "I don't ever want you to have to pretend to be something you're not," he managed to say. "I did that for most of my adult life, and you and Kane were the only good things to come out of it."

Steve got up from the couch to make room for me and I slipped into the warm spot he'd vacated.

"Why would you think we knew you were gay?" Dad asked.

"I thought you found my pictures on the computer and figured it out."

His eyes grew large. "Those were your pictures?"

I blushed. "Where did you think they came from?"

He shook his head. "Your mother thought they were mine and I thought she'd downloaded them just to use against me."

"Use against you how?" I asked sharply.

Dad pursed his lips. "Never mind. I shouldn't have said as much as I have. I was just so shocked..."

"No, tell me."

He sighed. "Those pictures could have sent me to jail. There was no way to prove I hadn't downloaded them. Your mother threatened to tell the police they were mine if I didn't stay away from you boys."

My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe she could do something like that. Then again, why was I surprised? I'd seen what she had become -- an empty, bitter woman. She didn't really care about Kane and me at all. And she'd kept Dad away from us.

"All this time I just thought you didn't care about us," I said in a small voice.

The tears started to roll down Dad's face again. "I did care. I cared so much that I stayed away to try and protect you. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do, I don't know, but I did what I thought was best at the time."

We cried together for a few minutes and then we both seemed to dry up at the same time.

"Oof," Dad said, humor warming his voice. "I haven't cried like that in quite a while."

"But it was good crying," I noted. I looked around and noticed that Steve and Cole had thoughtfully left us alone.

"So..." Dad said slowly. "How is your mother?"

I frowned. "Who knows? She lives in her own little world. She never pays attention to Kane and me except to yell at us if we do something wrong."

Dad pressed his lips into a thin, straight line. "Then she doesn't know you're gay?" I shook my head no. "You might want to keep it that way for now," he said, his voice carefully neutral. "And how's Kane?"

"He's good. He's a great kid. More like my friend than my little brother. Very mature for his age."

"Sounds like he's had to be," Dad said dryly. "Like you," he added after a moment's thought.

I grimaced. "I don't feel very mature. Most of the time I feel like I'm some dumb little kid that just manages to screw everything up."

He laughed. "Hey, I still feel that way too sometimes." He looked and me and just shook his head. "I can't believe you're sitting here in my living room."

I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows. "Believe it."

He laughed. "Let's go find Steve and your friend."

"Boyfriend," I corrected him, feeling a warm fuzziness just saying the word.

"Boyfriend," Dad repeated. "He seemed as surprised as I was at that pronouncement. How long have you two been boyfriends?"

"How long have we been here?" I asked and we both laughed again. "He asked me a few days ago but I wasn't sure before. Somehow, it just seemed right at that moment."

"I think I can understand that. What's his name again?"

"Cole."

"Cute name." He grinned. "Cute kid. You have good taste."

I giggled. "I could say the same for you."

We located Cole and Steve in the kitchen. They were sitting at the table eating ice cream and looking awkward. Steve jumped up as we came into the room.

"Everything okay?" he asked, his eyes shifting between the two of us.

"Everything is great," Dad said.

"Ice cream?" Steve offered.

"None for me, thanks," Dad said.

"Me either, but thanks anyway," I said, sitting next to Cole. He looked over at me and smiled.

"So, will we be seeing more of you around here?" Steve asked.

I looked over at Dad, but he just shrugged. "I sure don't have a problem with it, but I have a feeling your mom would."

"She doesn't have to know," I suggested tentatively.

Dad raised his eyebrows. "I don't know if I want to be a part of lying to your mother and sneaking around behind her back."

I felt my face crumple. "But I just found you again!" I wailed. "I don't want to lose you already."

He sighed. "I don't want to lose you either. I guess we don't really have a choice."

I turned to Steve, eager to change the subject now that I'd gotten permission to continue seeing Dad. "Do you live here too?" I asked him.

He shook his head no. "I'm just visiting for the weekend. I live on the Eastern Shore."

"How'd you guys meet?"

Dad and Steve took turns telling the story of how they'd met, and then the conversation turned to Cole and me. I told them about the upcoming play and invited them both to come. We sat and talked for a couple hours before Cole reminded me that we needed to get home. I gave Dad my email address so we could at least stay in touch that way until we could make plans to meet again.

We hugged at the door until Steve and Cole practically had to pry us apart. As soon as we were in the car, Cole exploded.

"Boyfriend!" he exclaimed with the air of someone who had held something in for far too long.

I giggled. "Well, if you'd rather not..."

"Are you kidding?" he interrupted me. "I want it more than anything! You just really caught me by surprise, to say the least."

"Surprise?" I said and giggled some more.

He leaned over and gave me a quick kiss before starting the car and heading for home. He glanced over at me out of the corner of his eye. "I'm really glad things worked with you and your Dad," he said softly. "And I'm really glad I got to be there for it. It makes me feel closer than ever to you."

I nodded happily and reached over to take his hand. "I'm glad you were there too."

We drove home in a contented, comfortable silence. When we arrived home, I leaned over and gave him a kiss without even thinking about it. I walked inside feeling as if I'd changed today and wondering if it would be something other people could see from the outside.

Mom was nowhere to be seen, which I was thankful for. I wasn't ready to face her right now, knowing what she'd done to us. I went to look for Kane and found him on his bed listening to his Discman. His eyes were closed and he didn't hear me come in for the music blasting through the earphones. I could hear it from the door. I just couldn't resist. I slowly crept up on him. I was just about to pounce on him with a roar when he sat up and screamed right in my face. I almost leaped from my skin. Kane collapsed back on the bed, overcome with laughter.

"Ha ha, very funny," I said sourly as I sat next to him.

"Gotcha," he said still giggling. "You should have seen your face."

"I didn't think you heard me," I said, finally cracking a smile. He had gotten me pretty good, I admitted.

"So what were you up to today? I was surprised when I got home and Mom asked me who your friend Cole was. She said you left with him this morning?"

I nodded. "What did you tell her?"

"I just said he was a friend from school and that you were both in drama together." He narrowed his eyes and stared closely at me. "Something happened today, didn't it?"

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, breaking into a grin.

"Maybe not to anyone else, but remember who you're talking to here."

I got up and closed his door before joining him once again on the bed. "I saw Dad today," I whispered.

"What?" he screeched.

"Shh! You heard me. I saw Dad."

"Oh my God! Tell me everything."

So I did, quickly taking him through everything that had happened and all I had learned. When I finished, he just sat silently for a minute.

"In a way, I feel kind of sorry for Mom," he said after a while.

"You what?" I asked in amazement.

"Come on, you have to admit that would be hard to accept. Finding out your husband is gay is one thing, that has to be really hard to deal with. But then she found those pictures and thought they were his, she must have thought that he wasn't just gay, but he was also some kind of a pervert. It had to be really hard on her."

"Hard on her? What about poor Dad? He thought she'd downloaded them to blackmail him into staying away from us. How do you think he felt? He couldn't even see us. At least Mom got to see us, not that she ever seemed to care."

"I'm not saying that I think it was harder on one that the other, Seth. All I'm saying is that I can see things from her side too."

I pouted. I still wasn't ready to stop being mad at her.

"Anyway," he said after a minute, "Dad's okay?"

I nodded grudgingly. "He seems like he's really good. He has an extremely nice townhouse and his boyfriend seemed very nice."

"Good," he said with a certain satisfaction. "Can I go with you to see him sometime?"

"Sure," I said, happy that he now seemed to be back on my side again. When did it come to taking sides? a small voice asked inside my head. I purposefully ignored it. "Oh! I almost forgot to tell you, something else happened today too."

"What?" he asked.

"Cole and I became boyfriends," I said, beaming.

"You said yes?" he asked excitedly.

I nodded.

"That's great!" He threw his arms around me in a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, little brother," I said affectionately. "I'm really lucky to have a brother like you."

"No, I'm the lucky one," he countered.

"Let's just say we're both pretty lucky and leave it at that."

"Works for me." He got a thoughtful look on his face. "You know, on second thought, you really are the luckier one. I wish I could have me for a brother."

I laughed and gave him a playful shove. "Admit it; you'd be lost without me looking after you."

"Hey, I'm not a baby anymore. I can look after myself."

"Fine, then how about if I go live with Dad?"

He lost his teasing smirk. "You're not serious, are you?" he asked in an odd voice.

"I hadn't really thought about it. It just came out." I thought about it for a minute. "It does kind of make sense, though, you know?"

"Mom would never allow it."

"I'm old enough to have some say in where I live."

"I don't want you to go," he suddenly sounded like he could cry at any minute. I'd had enough crying for one day.

"Kane, I never said I was going anywhere. Chill out."

He took a few deep, calming breaths. "You're right, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think I could live without you. You're not just my brother, you're my best friend."

I pulled him into another hug. "And you're mine," I told him. "But you could live without me if you had to. You're a strong little man. You've got to believe in yourself. You might have to live without me someday."

He shook his head into my shoulder. "I don't even want to think about it."

"Neither do I, but you never know what could happen." I felt a strange chill run down my spine at my words.

"Let's talk about something else," he pleaded.

"Okay," I eagerly agreed and I began to tell him about my trip to the aquarium with Cole. Soon, he was back to his usual good-natured self, but I couldn't get my mind off of our conversation. A nagging sense of foreboding had crept over me, ruining my good mood for the rest of the day.

The dark cloud hung over my head for the next few days, but eventually, as things progressed with Cole and nothing bad happened, I forgot all about it. And things did progress with Cole. We were making out every chance we could get, even in school. It was a bit risky to do it at school, but it was like we couldn't resist and the risk made it all the more exciting. By the end of our first full week as boyfriends, I'd even agreed to go to the gay/straight alliance with him.

I was amazed at who I found at the meeting. It was a real eye-opener. I suddenly understood the strict privacy agreement I'd had to sign before I could attend. I certainly didn't feel alone anymore. Not that there was a huge crowd there, but there were more people than I had expected, at least twenty kids. I reminded myself that some of them might just be straight supporters. I was also surprised by how much I enjoyed the meeting.

Before I knew it, it was time for the opening night of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." It came off beautifully, almost without a hitch. If Theseus and Hippolyta were a little stiff and needed a few cues, well, who cares? I never missed a line and neither did Cole. I felt myself flush with secret pleasure each night when he said the lines he'd quoted to me in the park. His eyes would meet mine and it was as if he was saying them just to me. Dad and Steve attended the first night, Kane came the last night, and to my knowledge, Mom didn't show up at all.

The next couple weeks flew by. I spent all my free time with Cole. I attended the Student Pride meetings. I even got to see Dad again, although Kane couldn't go because he had a dentist appointment.

About a month after Cole and I started dating, Mom announced one Friday that she was going out of town for the weekend to visit her father, my grandfather. She gave Kane and me the choice to go with her or stay home alone. I didn't hesitate to choose option B. I had never been close to my maternal grandfather; he was a distant, domineering retired military man of the sort who believes that children should be seen and not heard. I immediately began to imagine a whole night alone with Cole. I couldn't wait to talk to him, but I didn't have a choice. Tonight was graduation and I wouldn't be able to talk to him until afterwards. Leah was supposed to pick me up since Brooke was graduating too.

I dressed in a nice pair of khakis and a deep maroon button-down shirt. I fixed my hair in its usual carefully mussed look, just for Cole -- he still insisted he liked it that way -- and then I waited impatiently for Leah to show up.

The ceremony itself was mind-numbingly long. The speaker, someone I'd never heard of from the State Legislature, was obnoxiously dull. I could have sworn he was a little tipsy. He droned on about his first job, which apparently involved carrying sacks of shit...and he actually used the word "shit." It would have been hysterical if it wasn't so boring.

Then came the seemingly unending procession of students accepting their diplomas. We're a pretty big school, so the graduating class was quite large. Finally, it was over and I went to find Cole. It took forever to find him in the throng of parents, family, and friends. Everyone looked alike in their caps and gowns. I finally found him posing for pictures with his parents. I waited quietly until they were finished before catching his eye. His face lit up as soon as he saw me. His mom turned to follow his gaze and smiled warmly at me.

"Judging by the look on my son's face, I'm guessing you must be Seth," she said as I approached. I was surprised that she knew about me and it must have shown on my face because she laughed warmly. "Oh, we've heard all about you. All good things of course," she added with a wink. I know I must have blushed scarlet.

I shook hands with her and Cole's father, mumbling something about it being a pleasure to meet them. She insisted I pose for a picture with Cole and then we stood chatting for a few more minutes before Mrs. McBride graciously excused her and her husband, leaving me alone with Cole.

"Sorry about that," Cole said as he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Nothing to be sorry about. They seem really nice; it just surprised me."

"They're great, but I guess I should have warned you."

"I have something for you," I said, handing him the card I'd spent almost an hour picking out. "And I have a surprise too." He stopped opening the card and looked at me expectantly. "Read the card first."

He read the card and gave me another hug; this one came with a quick kiss on the cheek.

"That was really sweet," he said. "But what's my surprise?"

"Well, I have a graduation gift for you."

"You didn't have to get me anything, Seth!"

I giggled. "I didn't get you anything, I'm giving you something."

He looked at me uncomprehendingly. "Huh?"

"Think you can spend the night at my house tonight?"

His eyes slowly grew as the implications sank in. "But what about your mom and your brother?" he asked.

"She's out of town and Kane went with her," I said with a grin. "I'll be home alone."

"I'll ask Mom and Dad," he said with an answering grin. "Stay here," he called over his shoulder as he took off to find them.

While he was gone, I spotted Brooke with her family and went over to congratulate her. We were still talking when Cole appeared at my side, grinning from ear to ear.

"They said yes," he said, barely containing his excitement.

"Who said yes?' Brooke asked, curious as always.

"My parents said I can stay at Seth's house tonight," he burbled.

Brooke raised an eyebrow and gave me an appraising look. I couldn't help but blush, which set Brooke to smirking. "You two boys have fun," she said with a wink. "But don't do anything I wouldn't do."

I mock frowned. "All things considered, that doesn't leave much, now does it?"

Brooke laughed out loud and pulled me in for a hug. "I'm going to miss you when I go off to college," she said out loud, and then added in a whisper meant only for me, "How about if you do all the things I wouldn't do?"

I pulled away blushing hotter than ever. We said our goodbyes and Cole and I left together. We stopped off at his house so he could pick up a change of clothes, then drove on to my house. It was dark and empty as anticipated.

Once inside, however, we were both overtaken by a sudden case of shyness.

"What do we do now?" Cole asked nervously.

"Want to watch a movie?" I suggested.

"Sounds good."

We went into the living room and I flipped through our collection of videos, not seeing anything that appealed to me. I felt Cole move up behind me and slide his arms around my waist.

"Anything you want to see?" I asked.

"More of you," he whispered huskily as he began to nuzzle my neck. All thoughts of movies fled from my brain. I gasped raggedly. "Would you be terribly upset if we skip the movie?"

"Who cares about a movie?" I said shakily. I turned in his arms to face him and we began to kiss in earnest. His hands slid under my shirt to caress my chest. I took that as permission to do the same to him and slowly began to run my hands up and down his back, my lips never leaving his, our tongues entwined. I don't know how long we stood there, locked at the lips, before I noticed he was unbuttoning my shirt. His fingers moved nimbly up the row of buttons, faster than I could have imagined possible. Almost before I knew what was happening, he was pushing my shirt off my shoulders, where it fell to the floor. I was so caught up in the moment I didn't even think to be self-conscious.

I began to unbutton his shirt, but my fingers were clumsy compared to his, fumbling with each button for far too long. Before I was even half finished, Cole simply grabbed the shirt and ripped it open, sending the remaining buttons flying in every direction. I broke away from the kiss for the first time to drink in my first sight of his naked chest. It was just as I'd imagined it. Firm and toned, but not overly developed. He was beautiful. I looked up into his eyes and found him staring at my face.

"I've wanted this for so long," he said softly, his voice gruff with desire.

"I've never done this before." For the first time since he'd slipped his arms around my waist, my brain had time to catch up with my body and I suddenly found myself scared and unsure. He'd had boyfriends in the past; I was completely new at this. He had experience; I had none. I wasn't even sure what to do. What if I didn't live up to his expectations?

"I know." He sounded so gentle and loving.

"I don't want to disappoint you," I shyly admitted.

His face broke into a tender smile. "You could never disappoint me, Seth." He pulled me against him as he kissed me once more. As his bare skin touched mine for the first time, it felt like fire spreading across my chest. I pressed the entire length of my body against his. I could feel that he was as excited as I was.

I broke the kiss again, long enough to whisper, "Let's go to my room."

We half-walked, half-stumbled down the hall, kissing and touching everywhere, losing shoes and socks as we went, until we were wearing nothing but our pants when we finally arrived by my bed. We stopped again, at the same time, almost as if we were thinking with one mind. I stared into his eyes, searching for something, although I didn't know what.

"I love you, Seth." That was it. That was what I'd been searching for. He'd only whispered the words, but they had sounded like a shout to my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, to capture the image into my memory forever. When I opened them again, he was staring at me anxiously. I realized he was waiting for a response.

I smiled and kissed him gently on the lips. "I love you, too." He leaned in for another kiss, but I surprised him by taking a step back. I locked eyes with him, and deliberately began to undo my pants. His eyes widened as they slowly traveled down my chest and over my stomach to where my hands were working. I pushed the pants down and stepped out of them. Now I was only in my boxers. He started to take a step towards me, but I placed a hand firmly on his chest, stopping him. I let my hand slide seductively down his stomach. He sucked in a breath with a sharp hiss. Finally, my hand reached his waistband. I hooked a finger into the top of his pants and slid it around to his button. His mouth opened slightly as his breathing deepened. I undid the button with none of my earlier ineptness, tugged down the zipper, and then slid his pants down, revealing his tented boxer-briefs. I let my hand trail lightly over his bulge and he gasped out loud.

"I thought you were new at this," he rasped.

"I am. Just a natural, I guess."

And then, he was on me, pushing me back until I hit the bed and we fell over onto it together. Our hands were all over each other and I was suddenly caught up in something bigger than me. I don't even know when the underwear came off, but everything after that remains perfectly clear. And it was incredible. What I didn't know instinctively, Cole patiently and tenderly taught me. The lessons continued late into the night, or I guess it was morning, when we finally drifted off to sleep, totally exhausted, but completely satisfied, at home in each other's arms.

I awoke with a start to find the sun streaming in through the windows. I glanced over at the clock to find it was almost noon. Cole was still wrapped around me, his arm across my chest and his leg thrown over mine. His face was nestled into my neck. I idly wondered what had woken me up.

And then I heard it again. Voices. Inside the house.

With a jolt, I sat up in bed. What was going on? Mom and Kane weren't supposed to be back until tomorrow.

"What's going on?" Cole asked, his voice blurry with sleep.

The voices were louder now and there was no mistaking my mother, especially when she was angry. And she sounded plenty angry now.

"Shit!" I cursed, as I remembered the trail of clothes we'd left strewn from the living room to my bedroom. A sudden fear clutched at my heart. This was not going to be pretty.

That thought had no sooner crossed my mind when my bedroom door flew open with a crash that brought Cole bolt upright beside me. We stared in wide-eyed terror at the tiny figure of my mother standing in the doorway. She looked like one of the mythical Furies, her eyes burning with rage, her lips curled up in a snarl.

"How dare you?" she growled.

"Mom, I..."

"Shut up," she snapped. "I don't want to hear it. God, you make me sick. I can't believe this. What? Does it run in families? Is this like some sort of inheritable gene? Some disease that gets passed down from father to son?"

"Ms. Douglas, it's not like that," Cole spoke up, sounding angry. I had to admire him for his courage, at the same time marveling at his stupidity. "I love..."

"I said shut up!" she screamed at him with a vehemence that even caused me to flinch. "I leave for one night and come back to find my son in bed with some faggot slut and you think I want to hear about how you love him? You don't even know what love is; you're just a filthy cock-whore."

Suddenly, my vision blurred. I'd always thought that "seeing red" was just a saying, but I discovered now that it wasn't. I could never remember being so angry, so filled with hate.

"Shut up," I said in a menacingly low voice.

Either she didn't hear me or chose to ignore me. She just kept up with her horrible diatribe. "I'm so glad I left Kane with my father. I'd hate for him to have to find out his brother is nothing but a piece of faggot trash."

"Shut up," I growled, a bit louder. Something in my voice caused Cole to flinch away, but there was no stopping my mother.

"I should have known when I found out about your father that he'd probably already molested you, turned you into..."

"I said shut up!" I roared, leaping out of the bed, heedless to the fact that I was still completely nude. "Shut up! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" It finally seemed to sink in that I was slightly beyond control and I had the pleasure of seeing something akin to fear swim through her eyes.

"Do you have any idea how much I hate you?" I said through gritted teeth. "Dad didn't make me gay and only a sick mind like yours would even think that. He's never touched me in a sexual way and if you ever try to say he has again, I'll..." I stopped, not sure what I'd do, but I could see in her eyes that I'd made my point. "I didn't even know he was gay until a few weeks ago. All these years I thought he left because he found out I was gay and couldn't stand it." Confusion flickered over her face. "That's right, Mommy Dearest, I've known I was gay since I was twelve. Those pictures you found on the computer? They were mine. I saw you looking at them that night and thought you'd figured it out. I waited and waited for you two to confront me. I fell asleep crying. I woke up the next morning to find Dad gone and I blamed myself." Tears were running freely down my face now as the words continued to tumble out. "I tried to be straight. I really did. I hoped that maybe it would make you love me again. You tell Cole he doesn't know what love is, but you're the one who doesn't know the meaning of the word. All you care about is yourself. I've practically had to raise Kane since Dad left."

She suddenly seemed to flare back up again, attempting to regain control of the situation. "You'd better not have laid a hand on him," she shrieked.

"Fuck you!" I screamed. "You just don't get it, do you? And you never will because you're a selfish bitch."

"Get out of my house," she screamed back. "Get out and don't ever come back!"

"Kicking me out, huh, Mom? Just like you did Dad."

"Get your shit and get out!"

"With pleasure." I leaped forward and slammed the door in her face.

"And don't call me Mom ever again," she screamed through the door. "I only have one son."

I turned to find a shocked Cole cowering in the bed. As soon as I saw him, all the adrenaline rushed out of my system and I suddenly felt weak-kneed. I sat heavily on the floor, as the steady trickle of tears became a torrent. The sobs caught me by surprise, ripping up through me with such force that it hurt. I don't know how long I cried before I felt Cole kneeling next to me. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around me, almost as if he was a little afraid of me. I curled into his body, grateful for the contact. Some part of my brain vaguely noted that we were both still naked, but there was no eroticism in his touch, only comfort.

Eventually, I cried myself out and I pulled gingerly away. We looked at each other without saying a word. There was something in his eyes that hadn't been there before, but I wasn't quite sure what it was.

"I'm sorry," I said at last, although I wasn't exactly sure what I was apologizing for. That he'd had to witness that? That we'd gotten caught? Everything?

"I..." He paused. "I thought you were going to hit her," he said uncertainly.

I opened my mouth to deny that thought had even crossed my mind, but I stopped and thought about it. While it was true I really hadn't thought to hit her, I may have if she hadn't stopped talking when she did. "I didn't plan on hitting her," I said slowly. "But I was so angry, I probably could have."

"I've never seen you like that."

I shook my head. "That's because I've never been like that before. I've never been that angry in my entire life. But when she started saying those things about you and Dad..." My voice trailed off.

"Where are you gonna go?" he asked after a minute.

"Dad's," I responded without hesitation.

"I'll take you," he said. I smiled gratefully at him. "Want me to help you pack?"

I nodded and stood up. I suddenly became very aware that neither of us was wearing a stitch of clothing and I felt myself blush. He grinned up at me.

"I'm sorry last night got ruined," I said, turning quickly to pull on my boxers from last night.

"Nothing was ruined," he said, standing and moving up behind me. He massaged my shoulders for a minute until I relaxed. "Last night was perfect. Nothing could ruin it. This morning was a completely separate incident. Sure, I would have liked to have been awakened a little more gently, and maybe had a second round..."

I blushed again and leaned back against his chest. I could feel that he was indeed ready for a second round. I was wondering how he could even be thinking about sex at that moment when my body started to respond on its own.

"I...I need to pack," I mumbled.

"I know," he said softly into my ear.

A few minutes before, being romantic was the last thing on my mind. It was quickly becoming the only thing on my mind. I couldn't believe I was feeling like this so soon after what had transpired with my mother -- and with her still in the house!

A sudden banging on the door quickly brought us both crashing back to reality.

"I'm leaving but I'll be back in an hour," Mom yelled through the door. "I want you gone when I get back."

I stood still until I heard the car start outside and drive away. I moved away from Cole and he didn't try to hold me back. I think he knew we didn't have time to fool around. I got dressed then started opening drawers and pulling out my clothes, piling them in stacks on my bed.

"What are you going to pack them in?" he asked.

"There are trash bags in the laundry room on the shelf above the washer and dryer," I told him. He slipped on his boxers and pants and left the room, reappearing a few minutes later with not only the box of trash bags, but also our other discarded clothing from the night before.

"Thanks," I said. He opened a bag and I started dropping in the piles of clothes. My entire wardrobe barely filled one bag. It suddenly felt sad, seeing pretty much everything I owned in one black plastic trash bag. That's my life, I thought. My entire life in a trash bag. How appropriate. Maybe it's not worth it. What if dad doesn't want me? Where will I go then? Maybe I'll end up sleeping on the street. Or maybe I'll just kill myself and then it will be me inside a black plastic bag.

"What else?" Cole asked, snapping me out of my dark reverie.

"Oh, um...I dunno. My school stuff I guess." It didn't take long to gather that together. Most of it was still in my backpack.

"What about your trophies and stuff?"

I glanced over the shelves of academic trophies and awards. "Nah," I said. "Leave 'em as a souvenir."

"Come on," he argued. "You worked hard for them. You might want them later."

I let him talk me into packing them too. He insisted on wrapping each trophy in one of my T-shirts, which we had to dig out of the clothes bag. After that, we carried the bags out to his car.

"Anything else?" he asked while we were standing in the driveway.

"I should leave a note for Kane," I said, just as Mom pulled into the driveway. She was back well before her allotted hour.

She got out of the car carrying a paper bag emblazoned with the logo of a local hardware store. She stared coldly at me, but stalked towards the house without saying a word. At the door, she stopped and spun around dramatically.

"I hope you have everything out because I'm changing the locks now," she announced.

"I wanted to leave a note for Kane," I said as evenly as I could manage.

"No," she said simply.

"He's my brother. He deserves to know what happened."

"He's no longer your brother. I'll tell him all he needs to know."

"Just like you told us about Dad? And he'll always be my brother, you can't change that."

"You'll never see him again," she proclaimed haughtily, her head thrown back, eyes flashing. She looked like some sort of otherworldly elf queen. I felt a chill go down my spine.

I stood still, my eyes locked with hers, refusing to be the first that looked away. It was a battle of will and I would not give in.

"Come on, let's go," Cole said, opening his door. I didn't move. "Seth?" I still didn't move. Cole grew quiet as he watched the silent struggle between mother and son.

After what seemed like an eternity, she swung around and stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her. I'd won. Somehow, the victory felt quite hollow.

"Are you ready now?" Cole asked softly. I nodded and climbed into the passenger seat.

Neither of us spoke as we drove to Dad's. I didn't know what was going on in Cole's mind, but he seemed different now, withdrawn. A gulf had opened up, and it seemed to be ever widening. I didn't know if things would ever be the same between us, but I had other things on my mind. What if Dad didn't want me living with him? He'd been on his own for a few years now, he had a boyfriend; maybe he wouldn't want a kid around all of a sudden. Sure, he'd seemed really happy to see me, but that was just a visit. Moving in was something else entirely.

What would I do if he didn't want me? Where would I go? Cole had said his parents were supportive of his sexual orientation, but I doubted that would extend to allowing his boyfriend to move in with them. I didn't have any other family really. Would I end up homeless? I'd read about gay kids who got kicked out and ended up on the streets hustling to survive.

That thought scared me. I had no street smarts and I knew it. I didn't have much confidence that I'd survive long on the street.

We pulled up in front of Dad's townhouse and Cole turned the car off. We sat in silence for a minute, neither of us moving.

"He's not going to turn you away," Cole said after a minute. It was almost like he'd heard my thoughts. I turned to look at him.

"How do you know?"

He shrugged. "Because he loves you."

And my mother didn't. He didn't say it, but it was there, hanging in the air. I gave a jerky nod and got out. I felt Cole's presence behind me as I walked to the door and knocked.

Dad seemed surprised when he opened the door. "Seth, I didn't expect you today," he said. He looked behind me. "Hello there, Cole. Come on in, guys."

"I hope it's ok that I just showed up," I said nervously as Dad started for the living room.

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. "Of course it is! I didn't mean it to sound like that. This is your home too; you're always welcome here. I just meant that I was surprised to see you today."

I felt my throat close and I had to fight down the tears that were threatening to spill over.

"Seth, what's wrong?" Dad asked, quickly coming closer.

I somehow managed to squeeze the words past my throat. "Mom kicked me out."

Immediately, Dad pulled me into a hug. He wasn't quite quick enough to hide the pain on his face. "I'm so sorry, son," he said in a choked voice. I was determined not to cry again, but it was a losing battle. Just the comfort of having my dad's arms around me was enough to make me fall apart. He simply held me until I calmed down, then led me to the living room with his arm around my shoulder. Cole followed as unobtrusively as possible.

"What happened?" Dad asked once we were all seated.

I haltingly began to tell him about Mom deciding to go see her father, and me inviting Cole to spend the night. I blushed at saying this to my father but there was no judgment in his eyes, so I continued. I told him how Mom had come home unexpectedly this morning and found us in bed together and how she'd flown into a rage and thrown me out. By the time I was finished, I was almost in tears again. Dad gave me a second to get myself under control before he started speaking.

"I'm sorry that had to happen," he said slowly. "I, of all people, know how that feels. But maybe this is all for the best."

I must have looked at him like he'd lost his mind, because he chuckled a little. "Think about it, Seth. You can move in with me here and you can just be yourself. No more lying or hiding who you are."

"You mean I can move in with you?" I said sounding pathetic and needy, even to myself.

I saw pain flash through Dad's eyes again. He was trying to be strong for me, but I could tell this whole situation hurt him as much as it hurt me. "Of course you can live here, Seth. You didn't think I'd turn you out on the streets, did you?" He paused and the pain deepened. "You did, didn't you?" He sighed. "What else would you expect? I disappeared from your life years ago. You hardly know me anymore and your own mother just kicked you out. Seth, you're my son and you always will be. I love you. I want you to live here. You can't know how much I've missed you and Kane. It'll be a dream come true to have you with me."

I could see the sincerity in his eyes and I knew he wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. I could feel a burden lifting from my shoulders and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. I couldn't help but grin at him even as I felt a new wave of tears coming over me.

We quickly brought in my bags of belongings and Dad and Cole helped me get set up in the guest bedroom. It would be my room from now on. The next couple weeks were difficult but exciting. Dad and I got to know each other better and I settled in to my new living arrangements. I missed Kane horribly, but every time I tried to intercept him somewhere, I seemed to miss him. The one and only time I tried to catch him at home, Mom was there, and we just ended up having another huge fight. And Kane hadn't even been home. I guessed he was spending more time at his friends' house these days. I wondered how he felt about me being gone and what Mom had told him. Whatever it was, I felt confident that he knew how much I loved him and would know I hadn't just abandoned him.

Cole and I didn't see as much of each other as we had been. The distance between us had continued to grow. It bothered me but I had too many other things going on to worry about it too much.

The day after the last day of school, Dad asked me if we could sit down and have a serious conversation. My heart was in my throat as we settled into the living room. A million different scenarios were flying through my head. Was I in trouble? Had I done something wrong? Had he changed his mind about me living here? Was Kane okay?

He didn't leave me in suspense for long. "Son, I have a big decision to make and I want you to be a part of it," he said with a serious expression. I nodded, still nervous but not as badly as I'd been just a few seconds ago. "Before you showed up here on my doorstep a month ago, Steve and I had been talking about me possibly moving to the Eastern Shore. Obviously, that discussion was tabled when you came back into my life, but it's recently come up again. Steve and I have gotten pretty serious and it's a pretty long drive back and forth from where we live now. I have a house in Ocean City..."

"Whoa!" I interrupted. "You have a house in Ocean City? Plus this place?"

"The house was left to me by a friend."

"Uncle Charlie?" I remembered the name from my conversation with Grant Marsh.

Dad looked very surprised. "Well, yes. How did you know about Uncle Charlie?"

"Mr. Grant said you lived with him until he died," I explained.

Dad nodded. "I did. He was a very nice man and he quite possibly saved my life. He helped me out when I was in a very bad place after your mom and I broke up."

"Was he rich?"

"He was well off, but that's not really important. He left me the house in Ocean City and I've been thinking about moving there full-time. I want you to be a part of making that decision though. I can take you down to see it and let you think about it, but if you don't want to move, we won't."

"Would Steve live with us?"

"No, neither of us is really ready for that. We would just like to be closer. You don't have to answer right now, but I want you to think about it. Okay?"

I nodded. That weekend, we drove down to Ocean City and Dad showed me the house. It was incredible, right near the beach. I fell in love with it at first sight. I gave Dad my answer that night.

"Are you sure?" he asked me. "What about leaving all your friends?"

"What friends? I don't really have any. Brooke, Leah, and Cole were pretty much the only people I ever talked to and Brooke and Cole graduated this year. They'll be going off to college this fall and I've never been that close to Leah." I sighed. "Besides, things with Cole are pretty much over anyway; we've just been kind of coasting along. This will be a good excuse to make things final. I already don't see Kane and if Mom has anything to say about it, I won't, so it doesn't really make any difference where I live. At least this way you can be closer to Steve. I really like the house and it would be cool to live near the beach."

"So you're sure?"

"I'm sure."

Dad grinned and I could tell he was really happy with my decision. "You can think of it as a new start," he said excitedly. "You'll make new friends at the school here, maybe even find a new boyfriend. It's going to be great, I just know it!"

I grinned back at him, but once again, I felt a strange sense of foreboding sweep over me. Stop being so negative, I told myself sternly, but I couldn't hold back the shiver that ran through my body. Luckily, Dad didn't notice my shudder or the falter in my smile.

We returned back to Baltimore but it was really only to pack up. Within two weeks, we were moved lock, stock, and barrel into the beach house. I saw Cole one last time. It was an amicable break-up. His relief was almost palpable when I told him we were moving to Ocean City.

"I guess it's for the best," he said. "I'll be going to college in Florida this fall and I think a long distance relationship would be hard."

I nodded and we hugged. As he walked away, I wondered what exactly had happened with us. I rather suspected it was me. I wasn't the same person I'd been that first night we kissed in the park. I wasn't the same person he'd fallen in love with, if what we'd felt had ever really even been love. I didn't have much experience with romantic love, but I had a feeling that we wouldn't have let go of the real thing quite so easily.

Over the next couple months, I found I liked living in Ocean City a lot more than Baltimore. For one thing, it was beach resort town and there were always tons of hot, half-naked guys everywhere. For another, it was a very different pace than in the city, even though I'd read somewhere that Ocean City was the most densely populated city in the country during the summer. Things just seemed much slower and more laid back. It suited me much better. I didn't make any friends that summer, but I felt at home for the first time in years. I loved living with Dad and we had a lot of great times with Steve. I still missed Kane, but overall, I was happy.

Finally, the school year rolled around. I was very nervous about starting school again, especially in a brand new place, but I'd decided that I was going to live my life honestly this time. No more sneaking around and hiding who I was. People had been fine with it at my old school, at least according to Cole, and I had no reason to think they'd be any different here.

The first day of school, I put on one of the new outfits Dad and I had bought in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. We'd bought a ton of new clothes at the outlets there; I practically had a whole new wardrobe. This was good considering how little I used to care about my appearance. I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized the person looking back at me. I looked so much more confident. Almost sexy, I thought with a grin. My hair looked the same always, but Cole had finally convinced me it looked good.

"Stop primping and come on," Dad said from the doorway, causing me to jump. "You don't want to be late to school on your first day."

I grinned at him and then followed him after one last look in the mirror.

"I've created a monster," he grumbled as we started downstairs.

Despite my decision to be out at school, I almost lost my nerve as I sat in my first class and the teacher asked us to each tell the class five things about ourselves. All the other kids were saying dumb general things. Most of them had probably known each other since kindergarten. I was already the new kid. Did I really want to make myself even more of an outsider?

Suddenly, it was my turn. I stood up and took a deep breath. "My name is Seth Connelly," I started out. "I just moved here from Baltimore. I was very active in the drama department there. I live with my Dad. I have a little brother who still lives with my mom. And I'm gay." I sat down and tried hard not to blush. The room was deathly quiet and every eye in the room was staring at me in disbelief, including the teacher. I wasn't sure if they were just startled by my admission or if they had a problem with it. Either way, it was over and done with now. I'd made my decision. The rest of the class passed uneventfully, but afterwards, everyone quickly left the room without even making eye contact with me. I sighed and went out into the hall. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. Maybe I should have settled in first, gotten to know some people before outing myself.

"Watch where you're going fag," someone growled at me as I was rudely jostled. I turned in time to see one of my classmates moving quickly away. He had brown hair and eyes and would have been kind of cute if it wasn't for the sneer on his face. I struggled to remember his name as I made a mental note to watch out for him in the future. Zach...that was it.

The rest of the day went by without anything noteworthy. Until my last class of the day, that is. It was the one I'd been looking forward to the most. Theater -- my home away from home. I got lost on the way there and had to stop by the office to get directions. When I finally found my way there, the class had already started. I tapped politely on the door and the teacher called me in. Mrs. Tatum, I reminded myself.

"Yes?" Mrs. Tatum asked.

"My name is Seth," I said, "Seth Connelly. I'm transferring into this class. Here's the paperwork."

I handed her the papers the office had given me that morning and looked around the room. It was a pretty good-sized class. After Mrs. Tatum had looked over the paperwork, she looked up at me. It felt like she was measuring me with her eyes. I wondered if I measured up, but I must have since she simply sniffed and said, "Looks like it's all in order. Why don't you find a seat, Mr. Connelly, and we can continue with the class."

I looked around the room again and this time one boy in particular caught my attention. He was staring at me with an odd look in his eyes. He looked small enough to be a freshman, but I got the impression that he was older. He had slightly shaggy, wavy blonde hair and startlingly blue eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed glasses. He was strikingly beautiful, but I could tell he wasn't really aware of that fact. Something in his body language made it clear that he felt insignificant. Our eyes locked and for a second, I felt such a connection to this boy that I almost gasped out loud. Something had definitely passed between us, but he quickly dropped his eyes and looked away.

I was in luck. The seat next to him was empty. I slid into it and he glanced over at me nervously. I held out my hand and he eyed it warily before timidly slipping his into mine.

"Hi. I'm Seth."

"Killian," he said in a soft voice. Even his name was sexy.

He blushed slightly and turned back to face Mrs. Tatum. Was he feeling something too? I watched him for a few more seconds then turned to pay attention myself. I couldn't contain the tiny smile that pulled at my lips. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe this would be a new start. And just maybe, Killian would be a big part of that.

The End

------------------------------------ NOTE: This story is continued in my first novel, Bleeding Hearts. For more information, visit my website at www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts. ------------------------------------ More about the author:

Josh Aterovis, a twenty-something artist-author, was born and bred on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and lives there with his partner, Jon. Aterovis is a Latin pseudonym meaning "black sheep."

Whenever anyone asked Josh what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always said an author. It got him plenty of strange looks, but he never really expected it to come true; it was just one of those things a kid says. In 1999, Josh's wishful dream became reality when he began to write a story and post it on the Internet. Bleeding Hearts resonated deeply with readers, who encouraged him to seek publication, and in 2001, the story was published by Renaissance Alliance Publishing, Inc. Named the Best Whodunit of 2002 by the Stonewall Society, Bleeding Hearts became the first book in the Killian Kendall mystery series.

Reap the Whirlwind, his second book featuring amateur sleuth Killian Kendall, is available as of May 5th, 2003. Josh has completed four books in the series and is currently working on the fifth. He has won numerous awards for his writing and for his web site, which also features his well-received art gallery: www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts.

Email feedback to Aterovis@aol.com