Broken
Chapter 1: A Beginning and an End
Everything that we experience throughout life comes with a price, it may not be visible to the naked eye but that didn't mean that it wasn't there. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do with your life, where it leads you, what choices you make, everyone is made to pay the price. Some way or form the debt is paid back only to have a new debt rise from the shadows to greet you anew.
Like most people, Allen had realized that pretty quickly in his life, to be the truth, because there was absolutely nothing free in life. Allen was what some would call an average teenager who did average teenage things, on the outside he appeared to be anyway. He had been seventeen for only a couple months now, which meant that it was also his last year of high school. He stood at about 6ft and was pretty fit for someone who didn't exercise regularly. He swam once in a while but that was about it. He had nice soft light brown hair that came down to his eyes; almost covering those emerald jewels he called eyes. He liked to listen to music, play video games or hang out with his best friend, Matt.
He had been Allen's best friend since he was practically born; they'd grown up together. Their parents had been close so that meant they had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. Over those years nothing exciting ever happened or anything good went Allen's way, he had to work hard for everything he had and even then it wasn't much. His parents began to be never around; they preferred to work instead of spending time at home with him. They never told Allen that but he knew, he didn't need words to know that he wasn't wanted, he could feel it every time they decided to visit. Allen wished he had someone special, someone to love him, someone to spend his time with, like Matt did.
He was out at that moment with his girlfriend, Jennifer. The price that Allen paid to have Matt as his best friend was that he had to share him with her. The two of them had gone 'shopping'. She had picked Matt up earlier from Allen's house; it was only a couple houses down from Matt's own house. Matt had tried to get Allen to come along but he refused.
The funny thing was that Matt had a better fashion sense than Jennifer would ever have, she almost made Allen throw up, her style being trashy clothing that revealed more than it should. 'No man should ever see that much girl in public' Allen thought. In Allen's opinion, she wasn't even worth Matt's attention; she just used him, not for sex, for Matt refused, but for his looks; to make girls envious and guys wishing they were Matt.
Matt was one of the hottest guys at their school, everyone knew it but Matt. It was a good accomplishment to be going out with him. Even though he was hot, Jennifer was his first and only girlfriend. Allen still didn't understand why Matt chose to date her when he could have had anyone; girls were always drooling over him, but it was like he never noticed. Allen hated Jennifer because she was one of those types of people who wanted what she wanted, and figured she deserved it. She didn't care about the person in the body that she used to pleasure herself with. Jennifer and Matt had not had sex yet. Matt had told Allen when Jen and Matt had just begun to go out that he wasn't ready for it, he wanted it to be for the right reasons and with the right person, and it was for two people who loved each other.
Allen and Matt shared the same hatred for people who chose to have sex just to say that they had done it, like it was conquering a nation for the fun of it, pointless. It was the wrong reason to have sex, it lead to the spread of viruses and unwanted pregnancies because people were naive about safe sex or just didn't care. The consequences were never thought of until it was too late, or if they were thought of, always ended with 'it'd never happen to me'. It wasn't just because of wanting to fuck every last guy in the school, including Matt or her using Matt that Allen hated Jennifer for; this was where he was different than any other best friend. Allen didn't like Jennifer and it wasn't just because she was pushy. He was jealous of her, of what she had and he didn't, Matt.
Allen was gay, he'd realized long ago, at first he tried to fight it but he finally gave up and accepted it for a part of himself and some intense research. He understood that he was taught at an early age that being gay was wrong. Being gay wasn't a disease or sinful, it was just love. Allen refused to even think about telling Matt about how he felt; he had thought about it but he hoped it would never see the light of day. He would keep it locked in the bottom of his heart, where no one would find it. Seeing the two of them together created a sickly feeling inside of Allen. It sometimes got so bad all he wanted to do was walk up to them and grab her by the hair and drag her away from Matt so he could have him, but he wanted his friend to be happy, so he put up with Jennifer when he had to but otherwise he avoided her like she was a rabid dog able to strike at any moment.
Allen hoped that Matt had figured out that he wanted nothing to do with Jennifer, after turning down Matt's offer to join them multiple times on outings, but Allen wasn't quite sure that he had. Matt still tried to invite him occasionally like he did today. Allen knew how he felt about Matt and accepted it for what it was, but he also knew that it was just a mere dream or fantasy and that was all it ever would be. It wasn't like he could change it if he wanted to; it was what he was, for the rest of his life. He had realized many years ago that he loved Matt as more than a friend or brother. At first, it had scared him that he was gay, but soon he realized that it was just a title people gave out, it was mean and cruel.
He shouldn't be ashamed of any part of himself but that didn't mean that he should shout it from the roof tops so that all could know. He hid the fact that he was attracted to other guys pretty good, he was careful to make sure he wasn't being watched when he checked someone out because he knew that if his secret got out, that trouble would surely follow. He knew that he would be seen as different, he had felt that pain once before and wasn't ready to experience it again so soon. The past was still fresh; it hadn't had time to scab over. He was scared that somehow, someone would find out his secret eventually, all they had to do was piece everything together. It was pretty evident, he never tried to date a girl, that alone could give him away but he refused to use someone to keep his 'cover', it was just wrong. It was just a matter of time and when that happened they would tell others and it would spread like wild fire among the whole community. He was especially afraid of Matt finding out. Allen knew that their friendship wouldn't survive, why anyone would want to be friends with a faggot? society was a cruel place; there was no denying it. Allen was someone who would be hated because people would only see the difference, because he chose to live his life honestly. They wouldn't care that he's still the same person, nothing changed, and it was a part of who he has been, what he was and would always be so it shouldn't be oppressed but embraced with open minds and hearts. Allen realized that that wasn't how life worked; it was foolish to even try to imagine life to be that easy. That there was opposition everywhere, around every corner; it was only a dream to live life openly without expecting trouble. Allen was tired of hiding apart of himself. Allen knew he could never have Matt. He was probably destined to have a lonely life but he couldn't just forget about how he felt either. To forget would be too painful. At that moment, Allen lay crying in his room, there was just one song that seemed to draw out his feelings. It was like the song expressed exactly how his heart felt, 'truth was a whisper, only a choice.' People chose to be honest with one another, and it's a promise seldom kept. It was a song by the Goo Goo Dolls. Allen had thought several times on going to one of the Rainbow Youth meetings they had downtown but was scared that someone would see him go inside.
Fear controlled most of his life. Allen wiped his eyes with a tissue and threw it in his waste basket. He had also tried meeting guys online but he soon found out that the only guys online were perverted older men after younger guys or boys or guys that just wanted sex. He had run into some close encounters, both from the perverts and the other guys. When that happened it was hard to deal with, he had no one to talk to about it.
Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted, Allen could hear the front door open and he heard someone yelling at someone else. Allen realized that it must be his best friend back early with Jen and were having a fight. She probably tried seducing him again and when Matt refused, she probably got bitchy. She threw a fit every time he denied her.
"He is a friend you stupid idiot do you even think before you talk?" Matt's voice seemed to get lower as he spoke as if he was trying to calm himself making it hard to make out what Matt was saying. From the fragments that he did hear, Allen couldn't make sense of the conversation going on below him. Matt's voice seemed to rise through the floor.
"You're just a stupid whore! Why don't you go back to the assholes you call friends and spread some more lies! Just leave us alone!" Allen was shocked to hear Matt talk so harshly, even to Jennifer. He normally tried to avoid using bad language. He didn't like using it; he said it felt like he was sinking to their level. 'He must be really pissed' Allen thought. Allen heard the door finally slam shut and quickly wiped away any remaining tears before Matt could see them, he didn't want Matt to see. He could hear Matt coming up the stairs. Time seemed to slow down; each step that Matt took seemed to take ten minutes. Finally, Matt made it up to the top of the stairs and walked to the door to Allen's bedroom. Compared to the stairs, the turning of the doorknob seemed to take forever. Allen held his breath and finally the door opened. Matt stood in the doorway, looking neither sad nor happy, like a blank canvas. Allen stood quickly, walked over to Matt without saying a single word and hugged him tightly; they had done that since they were young, trying to comfort the one that was hurt, when they needed it the most. Matt returned the hug. The embrace ended and the two stood in the doorway staring at each other.
"Are you ok? She didn't do anything to you did she? What happened? Is there anything I can do to help?" Allen asked rather nervously and quickly. After a few silent moments, Allen spoke again. "Sorry. It's none of my business."
Allen walked away and sat on the bed looking hurt. He was unsure as to what he should do to help Matt. He wasn't sure if he should leave Matt alone or make him talk about it. What happens if he made the wrong decision? Would Matt get mad at him? The best thing he could think he could do was remind Matt that he was there for him and that's what he did.
"If you ever need to talk or anything Matt, you know you can trust me to be here for you." Allen said. He looked at Matt to see how his friend would react to that, expecting Matt to laugh, but Matt didn't.
"Thanks Allie. It's good to know you have my back, you're a great friend who supports me when I need it" Matt replied.
Allen smiled at both the nickname and Matt's reply. Matt had called him Allie since they were little, and it had kind of stuck with him. It was actually because of his mom that Matt called him that, one day when they were in about grade one or two, Matt had overheard Allen's mom calling him Allie when she dropped them off at school because they had missed the bus that morning. He couldn't remember why they missed the bus, just the part of getting a ride that he held onto. Allen had found it embarrassing to be called that by his mother especially in front of Matt. Ever since that day, Allen let the nickname grow on him. He would always be Allie to Matt. Allen loved it when Matt called him that, it made him feel wanted and loved, it made him smile even when he didn't feel like smiling. Allen noticed the puzzled look that crept onto Matt's face.
"Allen, were you crying again?" Matt asked.
Allen was stunned. How could he have noticed? And what did he mean again? Had Matt seen him crying before? He never cried in front of Matt. He didn't want Matt to see the weak side of him.
"No, I'm the one that's fine," Allen lied.
He hoped that Matt would believe his horrible and weak lie, he hated lying to Matt, but he just couldn't tell him the truth. A part of him wanted Matt to believe the lie and stop asking, but the other half wanted him to continue, so that everything could be let out and he could finally see what Matt's reaction would be. Allen felt horrible keeping a secret from his best friend, but he was afraid of his reaction, he was afraid of losing him as a friend. He also didn't believe it was a good time with what had just happened and there being enough pain tonight maybe someday he would gather enough courage but not tonight.
"How about we go grab a pizza and a movie and just relax here?" Allen asked. "It'll be my treat."
"I should actually head home, I am a little tired anyways" Matt replied. Allen didn't like that answer and wouldn't accept it. Matt needed a friend and that was what Allen was going to be.
"Come on, you shouldn't be alone after a fight like that. Come on, please stay and watch a movie. If you still want to go home after that, you can," Allen pleaded. He put on his best puppy dog look and stared at Matt, hoping his look would do the trick and make him cave.
"Alright alright, just please stop looking at me like that. You know I can't say no when you look at me like that," Matt said. Allen was victorious.
"Yay! I'll drive," replied Allen, smiling. Allen jumped up and made sure his keys were in his pocket and hurried downstairs, followed by Matt. When Matt started to get his shoes on, he turned and actually smiled at Allen. It was the first time he had smiled all night and Allen felt his heart leap in his chest. It wasn't one of those quick smiles, but a long and infecting one. Allen followed Matt's example and he too put his shoes on. Of course, Matt had beaten him in getting ready, no need for a jacket because it was still summer time, it made getting ready easy. He was happy that he got to spend the night with Matt now. He pulled out his car keys; his parents had given him a black sports car for his birthday this year.
"Thanks," Matt said, out of nowhere. It was like he was knocked over, but Allen quickly recovered; he had not been expecting something like that.
"You're welcome, Matt," Allen responded. He put the car in gear and pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street, beginning their night of fun. When Allen drove anywhere, he always had music playing. As he drove down the road, he approached a set of lights. The light was red so he had time to look over at Matt and saw that his eyelids were closed, he looked so relaxed. 'He looks so beautiful,' Allen thought as he smiled to himself. Those thoughts were so similar to him now; there was no way to ignore them.
Before long, he arrived at Little Toni's pizza parlor. It didn't look too busy; he should be in and out quickly. He parked the car and got out, trying his best not to disturb Matt from his beautiful slumber.
He went in and waited for someone to take his order. He was surprised, it was his friend, Kyle; technically Kyle wasn't just his friend but Matt and his little brother Eric's friend. Kyle and Eric were in the same grade while Allen and Matt were a year ahead. He was not sure how they had met, probably through Eric. He only knew that they had become friends quickly. No one had mentioned to him that Kyle worked there. Kyle was a good friend to Eric, always looking out for him, Allen noticed. All of Eric and Matt's friends were nice to Allen and they treated him like he was their friend as much as Eric and Matt were. It was nice to see Kyle, he was cute but to Allen, he was nothing compared to Matt.
"Hey Allen, how are you?" Kyle asked, "What can I get you?" Kyle smiled. Allen smiled back and replied,
"I'm doing well and how about yourself? Staying out of trouble I hope?" Kyle let out a chuckle.
"Of course," Kyle said, trying to act as innocent as possible. This made Allen laugh because he knew Kyle was as innocent as a newborn kitten. He couldn't hurt a fly even if he tried, it wasn't in his nature. But the way he acted innocent was a little overboard.
"I'll just have a medium pepperoni pizza to go," Allen said. Kyle wrote down the order and sent it back to the kitchen. He came back to Allen a few minutes later.
"It shouldn't take long; I put a rush on it for you. The server will bring it out to you when it's done. I've got to get back to work," he said, "Take care and tell Matt I said hi."
"Hey if you want to hang out sometime tomorrow call me I'll see you later, and take care yourself," Allen replied before Kyle went back to work, taking other people's orders. Soon after, the pizza arrived and it smelled really good to Allen. He quickly paid the cashier and back to the car. When he got there he noticed that Matt was awake. He got in and handed the pizza over to Matt.
"Why didn't you wake me? I would have waited with you," Matt said as he started the car.
"You looked like you needed a little nap," Allen replied, "Oh, before I forget, Kyle said hi." Allen put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot and ran straight into another red light.
"Oh, yeah, that's right, he started working there, Eric told me the other day and thanks for the nap," Matt smiled. "We just have to go to the movie store right?" Allen was infected by Matt's smile again and couldn't help but smile back.
"Yeah and you better think of some movies you want to watch," Allen said, smiling sweetly. "You're picking the movie."
Matt acted all surprised and it made Allen laugh. Matt didn't say anything else or try to protest so Allen assumed he was thinking of some movies he wanted to watch, but Matt was trying to keep in mind the movies that they both would like and the ones that Allen didn't care for. Allen wasn't one for scary movies, he wouldn't tell Matt why but he figured because they scared him too easily. It didn't take long for Allen to drive from the pizza restaurant to the movie store; they weren't that far apart, maybe five minutes by car. Before Allen could get out of the car, Matt was already out, opening Allen's door for him.
"Come on slow poke or I'll leave you behind," Matt said. Allen was surprised by the fact that Matt had opened his door for him, like a perfect gentleman, Allen thought. They walked down the aisles, picking up the odd movie to read the back to see what it was about before putting it back. Finally, Matt had found the movie he wanted to rent; it was a comedy movie about two single straight guys, who were firefighters that wanted to get married so that the guy's buddy could keep his life insurance so that in case something did happen to him, his children would be provided for. It was called 'I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry' Allen had wanted to see it since it came out in theaters but never had gotten the chance.
'Tonight is going to be fun,' Allen thought.
He had Matt to spend the evening, and maybe the night with if things worked well. They left the store and got into the car. As Allen was driving, Matt smiled at him and changed the CD in the player.
"Thanks, Allie, for not letting me go home and for being there for me tonight," Matt said.
Allen was surprised once again at Matt; he normally didn't thank him for something as small as hanging out and being his friend. He was glad their friendship was important to Matt, it was really important to him too even if Matt wouldn't feel the same.
"You're always welcome, I am always here to give you a hand if you need it," Allen said.
Allen pulled into his driveway, got out and walked around to Matt's side and opened his door so that he could get out with pizza and movie in hand, returning the favor from earlier.
"Thanks," Matt said.
Allen quickly took off his shoes at the front door so that he could grab the pizza from Matt so he too could get his shoes off.
"I am just going to go put this down in the kitchen and grab some plates," Allen said.
"Okay. I'll be there in a second," Matt stated as Allen started to walk to the kitchen. Allen placed the pizza on the counter and grabbed two plates and two glasses as Matt walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, can you grab some soda out of the fridge and pour us some?" asked Allen.
"What kind?" Matt asked hesitantly. Allen shrugged his shoulders.
"You pick," he said. Matt opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of cola. While Matt poured the drinks, Allen put a couple of slices of pizza on each plate. Allen passed Matt a plate and Matt passed Allen a glass of soda.
"Come on, we can eat in the living room," Allen said as he left the kitchen, with Matt following.
"Do you want to eat first or eat the pizza while we watch the movie?" Allen asked. Matt thought about it for a moment before answering.
"Why don't we eat first," responded Matt. "So we don't miss anything of the movie."
"Sounds good to me," Allen said.
They both sat down on the couch and began to eat, during the meal they exchanged small talk, mostly about music and what new video games they wanted to try out and what they had seen on TV lately. When they finished, Allen got up and grabbed Matt's plate from him.
"Want some more or maybe later?" Allen asked.
"No, not right now," Matt said. "While you're taking the plates back to the kitchen, I'll get the movie ready."
Allen took the dishes back to the kitchen and placed them in the sink to be cleaned later. He walked back to the living room to find Matt putting the disc in the DVD player.
"I can't find the remote, did you leave it somewhere?" asked Matt
Allen moved the cushions on the couch and found nothing but some change so he decided to look under the couch. He bent down to take a look.
"Found it, it was under the couch," Allen said laughing. "Don't know how that got there."
He handed the remote to Matt and watched him hit play on the remote to start the movie. Allen and Matt sat down right beside each other on the couch, closer than Allen would have expected from Matt, but liked it.
'I wish this night would never end,' Allen thought to himself. The movie began and, as was expected, it was funny. He was glad Matt picked it; they both needed a good laugh.
About halfway through the movie Allen felt some pressure on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to see what it was. It turned out to be Matt's head; the nap mustn't have been enough, he had been still tired. Allen smiled to himself and laid his own head on top of Matt's and continued to watch the rest of the movie like that. By the end of the movie Allen too was fast asleep; they looked like they were at peace. It would take them both a while to realize that that night wasn't just about ending things, it was also about beginning anew. It all started, at that point, to improve but there was always a price even for happiness. They would have to decide if they were willing to pay that price or let happiness pass them by.