It felt like a hand was wrapped around his neck, pinning him to the chair. He couldn't breathe, what he had done, he didn't understand. He felt like he was suffocating, his heart beating like a drum in his chest, he couldn't calm down.
He didn't feel the arms around him and the voice whispering in his ear fell on deaf ears. Allen was panicking, he had just done the one thing that really scared him, he had outed himself. He hadn't even thought about it, before he had known it the words were out of his mouth.
He finally seemed to snap back to reality when he heard a male voice from the doorway, the question seemed to cut through his bubble of a world and smack him in the face. Allen could feel the intense glare that Matt was giving which probably meant that that wasn't the first time the question was asked.
"Are you sure?" Eric asked
"I think he'd be damn sure Eric, waiting for him to scream April Fools? Fuck off and leave him alone" Matt said.
"Matt!" Rebecca said.
"What?!"
"You do not use that language in this house, ever" she said
"But Mom ..."
"Don't But Mom me, I understand the situation hun but using foul language isn't going to settle anything. If anything foul language makes situations worse, you know that. I thought I taught you better."
Rebecca's words seemed to calm Matt down a peg or two. A look from his mother told him she was waiting for a respond.
"You did and I'm sorry, you taught us that foul language just makes you seem like uneducated rascals." Matt said.
"Don't apologize to me, your brother is the one that deserves it not I." Rebecca said
"But he stands there and questions Allen mom, of course Allen meant what he said, only a fool would ask a question like that" Matt said.
"A fool he might be but a brother none the less, now apologize, I understand how the question may have sounded but have you thought maybe it was ill worded dear. You should hear him out, the both of you should." She said
"Fine... I'm sorry" Matt mumbled
"Matthew..." Rebecca started.
"Mom you can't make him if he doesn't want to, it's okay." Eric said
"I'm sorry Eric" Matt said finally.
"I accept your apology Matt, thank you. May I talk before you rip my head off again?" Eric asked
Matt grumbled but his hold on Allen never loosened, it didn't go unnoticed.
"I'll take that as a yes" Eric said before his mother had a chance to speak, knowing she would reprimand Matt.
"I don't have anything against Allen being ...." Eric said
"Gay. The word is gay Eric." Matt said
"...being gay, it just surprised me, I didn't think before I spoke and I'm sorry if I angered you. I had just figured that he was just straight and you'd never have the chance with him." He continued
Matt was stunned, it felt like a train had run into him, his breath was knocked out of him. He suspected that Eric knew he was gay but here Eric confirmed Matt's fear, in front of their mother. If he could have run and hid he would of but that would have meant leaving Allen's side and that was just something he wasn't ready to do.
"You knew?" Matt stuttered out.
"Matthew, it's kind of obvious." His mother said.
"What?! How?" he asked
"What straight man likes shopping? Like really son" Rebecca said with humour in her voice.
"MOM!"
Eric and his mother let out a laugh.
"It was the look you always gave Allen when you thought no one else was watching. This past week didn't help either, not talking to Allen or seeing him made you so miserable. We were starting to worry that you had told Allen how you felt." Eric finally said.
Allen turned in Matt's arms and looked him in the eyes before he apologized for what felt like the millionth time.
"You have nothing to apologize for Allen" Matt told him.
"But I hurt you"
"No you almost did something that would have hurt me, real bad. So let us put this last week behind us ok?" Matt said
"I wish I could Matt" Allen said tearing up.
Matt lifted him out of the chair into a hug. Matt knew something happened but it was up to Allen to tell him.
"Does Dad know?" Matt asked, finally breaking the silence that had evaded the room.
"Know what son?" his father asked behind Eric.
Everyone in the room jumped, and Matt tightened his grip. Matt's heart was back in his throat, his mother shook her head no.
"Allen's spending the night, just wanted to make sure mom told you." Matt said
"Well son you know he's always welcome here, is he okay?" his father asked, showing a little concern. Allen buried in Matt's chest kinda prompted the question though.
"Yeah dad, it was just one of those days. I'm just going to take him to my room okay?" Matt said
Matt didn't wait for an answer before he started walking Allen to his room. He heard his mother say something like that she would call them for dinner when it was ready. They reached Matt's room pretty quickly, Matt opened the door with one hand while he still held onto Allen, afraid to let go.
Once inside Matt made sure the door was shut before he got into bed and cuddled up with Allen.
He lay there in Matt's bed cocooned in Matt's arms. Allen wished that they could stay like that forever. He didn't need to die to find heaven, he had already from it in Matt's arms. He felt invincible, not even Kyle could touch him while he was within there. The thought of Kyle brought a shiver down Allen's spine, which didn't go unnoticed by Matt.
"Are you okay? Cold?" Matt asked
"Just thinking" Allen said
"Well stop your thinking, just relax" Matt said smiling.
Matt shifted a little in the bed until he was up on one arm over Allen. Allen missed the closeness the instant Matt moved. He wanted to pull Matt back down but before he could Matt had his lips whispering against his, Allen pushed into the kiss, and slowly opened his lips allowing Matt's tongue access.
Allen ran his left hand through Matt's hair, he began his invasion into Matt's mouth, their tongues duelling it out. Allen felt Matt's hand creep ever so slowly up his shirt to his chest. The contact made Allen moan into Matt's mouth.
Matt finally broke the kiss to catch his breath, as Allen leaned back a little to catch his, his eyes landed on Matt's face but it didn't look like Matt's. Kyle's face stared back at him and a scream caught in his throat. He started kicking and screamed "NO" over and over. It scared the shit out of Matt, he didn't understand what he did wrong, had he pushed Allen too far.
"Allen. Allen! ALLEN" Matt said, trying to get his attention.
"What's wrong Allen, did I do something wrong?"
Allen couldn't hear him, the nightmare still had its claws into his mind. Matt tried shaking him, hoping it would help.
There was a knock at the door.
"Hun are you guys okay in there, what's wrong." His mother asked him
"It's Allen mom, I don't know what's wrong." Matt said
"Open the door then so I can help "she said
Matt didn't want to leave Allen's side but he needed his mother's help he had not even a clue what to do, he didn't know what had caused it, they had only been making out. Allen's screams were turning into whimpers. Matt got up and unlocked the door and let his mom in.
Rebecca quickly went to Allen's side. He was twisted in the bed sheets and was still whimpering.
"Allen sweetie it's ok, you got to relax hun." Rebecca said "You're okay Allen, snap out of it Allen"
She sat down on the bed and pulled Allen into her arms and talked soothingly to him, the thrashing slowly stopped. Allen slowly seemed to come out of it. Rebecca held onto him until she was sure and then helped him sit up. She stood and kissed Allen on the forehead and whispered in his ear.
"I'm here if you ever want talk hun." She said
She stood up and walked to the door and turned to the guys, Matt had quickly moved to Allen's side when she had vacated the spot.
"Dinner will be ready in ten guys" she said as she closed the bedroom door again.
"Are you okay?" Matt finally asked.
Matt hesitantly wrapped his arms around Allen but once they were around him Matt knew he had done the right thing. Allen melted in his arms, he began to cry hard.
"What's wrong hun" Matt asked "Did I do something?"
Allen tried talking between sobs but it was just filled full of hiccups.
"Shhhh just calm down and then we can talk" Matt said
"I'm.....hiccup.....I'm sorry" Allen finally got out.
"Hey you have nothing to be sorry for, something is bothering you. If I did something please tell me and if it's something else hun we can talk about it when you're ready." Matt said
"If I pushed you too far please tell me" he continued
Matt was scared that he had hurt Allen, tears welled up in his eyes, ready to rain down at any moment.
"No...hiccup... Matt...don`t Matt...hiccup...not your fault" Allen said.
He took a deep before he continued.
"It wasn't your fault" He managed without hiccupping.
"Then what's wrong hun?" Matt asked.
"Can we talk about it after dinner Matt, please?"
"You promise?"
"Matt! ...Fine I promise. Happy? Can we wash up and go down for dinner now?" Allen said
"Something is bothering you, ignoring it isn't going to help. Let's go" Matt said
They went to the bathroom and washed up and then went down and joined Matt's family for dinner. If anyone had heard Allen's outburst besides Rebecca, no one let on.
He lay on his bed and was staring at the ceiling. He was in a happy mood, he knew his plan would work. Kyle knew nothing could go wrong, it was a good plan. Allen wouldn't get away.
He knew that while Matt was in the picture he wouldn't be able to do anything so the first step of the plan was to get Matt to leave Allen's side. Then Kyle would need to bring Allen back to his house, he'd just have to make sure his parents were gone. And then he could have his way with him, there'd be no running this time. He would break him, Allen would be his no matter the cost.
Dinner had been great like always but Matt sure hurried Allen along until they were upstairs alone. Allen was scared, he didn't really want to tell Matt, he was afraid that Matt's feelings would be gone if he knew the truth but there was no backing out now, he did promise.
They laid down like earlier on the bed with Allen in Matt's arms. Matt waited for Allen to speak, afraid that if he spoke he'd scare Allen into not telling him. Allen took a deep breath and then exhaled before he pushed Matt away with his words.
"You remember how you found me into the bathroom-"
"Ya" Matt interrupted
Allen felt stupid of course he remembered but being interrupted almost sent his courage running.
"Matt please, I need to get this out and interruptions are only going to make it that much harder. Now back to what I was saying."
Allen took another deep breath and then continued.
"That wasn't the first time, I just feel so lost, before you told me how you felt I thought I had nothing left. I thought you'd never be able to love me like I love you but you do" Allen said with a sad smile.
Matt tightened his arms around Allen, he could feel the pain in Allen's words, and his pain was Matt's.
"That's why I could never hang out with you and Jen, it was just too much, I wanted to be the one you were dating. I know you wanted me out of the house and hang out with a friend, that's why I didn't fight hanging out with HIM. I actually thought it'd be fun, to hang out and to prove to you that I could do it."
Allen tried not to sound bitter but he really hated Kyle, he would never forgive him, ever. He had this hold on him that he couldn't shake, his nightmares especially. Tears were silently raining down his face at that point, he was remembering what Kyle did.
Matt planted a few soft kisses on Allen's cheek but stopped when Allen stiffened in his arms, it was just for a moment until Allen realized it was Matt and not Kyle.
"It wasn't you, I blame HIM. I blame the bastard that did this to me, the one who took apart of me away and broke me. That's what I am, broken and used."
Allen knew it was time to leave, Matt got what he wanted, the truth and that meant that he would be done with Allen. He wouldn't want someone that was broken, no one would. Allen tried getting out of Matt's arms, but Matt's hold was strong.
"No you're not leaving Allen, I want you to stay.... Please" Matt said
It took a few moments for Matt's words to sink in for Allen.
"Really?" Allen asked, afraid that Matt would change his mind.
"Really Allen"
Allen was like lightning, he rolled around in Matt's arms and clung to him with his head nestled in Matt's chest.
"Thank you" Allen said.
The relief flooded through Allen's body, Matt wanted him. Relief quickly turned into sleepiness, he couldn't stay awake and before either knew it Allen was asleep.
A knock at the door woke Matt up, they had both fallen to sleep in each other's arms and when Matt didn't answer, the door opened just enough for Eric to poke his head in. He noticed the two of them together and he also noticed that only Matt was awake.
"Mom just wanted me to see if you guys wanted anything before bed" Eric whispered.
Allen stirred.
"Sure" Allen mumbled.
Eric left to let his mom know they were coming. Matt and Allen slowly untangled themselves from each other and got up. They straightened up their clothes and went down to the kitchen. His mother greeted both of them with a smile.
"Tea will be just a second, just waiting on the kettle. Go take a seat at the table guys." His mom said.
Matt followed Allen to the table and pulled out Allen's seat for him. Allen smiled and thanked Matt. Matt took a seat beside Allen and directly across from Eric, his father nowhere in sight. Matt reached down and grabbed Allen's hand. Eric smiled at the two of them, when the kettle whistled he quickly got up to help his mother so the other two could remain where they were.
Rebecca and Eric returned to the table with a cup for each of them and a big plate of some more of Rebecca's famous cookies.
"How are you feeling Allen" Rebecca finally asked, breaking the silence.
Matt squeezed Allen's hand to remind him that he was there for him.
"Better now" Allen said with a smile looking at Matt. "Much"
"That's good hun, now you guys are playing safe right?"
Matt had just taken a drink of his tea when she asked them, which caused him to choke and sputter, not to mention blush but he wasn't alone Allen was blushing pretty hard too.
"MOM!" Matt said.
Eric was just sitting there laughing like there was no tomorrow.
What Matt I can't ask?" Rebecca said with a smile.
"NO!"
Eric was laughing even harder and poor Allen was trying to hide ehich only made Eric laugh more.
"Just wait hun until you start dating." Rebecca was smiling looking at Eric. That seemed to shut him up quickly.
"I just want you guys to be safe, that's all" she said to them.
They finally got their blushing under control.
"We will be" they both told her and that seemed to end the conversation.
Soon all the cookies were gone and the tea with them. Rebecca grabbed the mugs and the plate and then placed them in the sink. She wished everyone a nice night and went down the hall to her bedroom.
"Night Eric" they both said as they too left, leaving Eric to get the kitchen light and he returned their farewell, wishing them a good night also.
Once the bedroom door was closed, Matt wrapped Allen into his arms and gave him a kiss. Allen seemed to melt into his arms. Matt reluctantly broke the kiss and looked Allen in the eyes and smiled.
"Do you want to go to bed now or stay up and watch a movie?" Matt asked
"umm movie" Allen said hesitantly.
"You sure" Matt asked.
"Yep, I'm tired but the movie gives a perfect excuse to cuddle up with you" Allen said shyly with a smile.
"You never need an excuse, cuddling with you is like heaven Allen" Matt whispered into Allen's ear.
Matt pulled Allen over to the bed and got him to sit while he searched for a movie and popped it into the player. He rejoined him back on the bed and cuddled up with Allen.
About twenty minutes into the movie Matt realized that Allen had fallen asleep, Matt took his hand and stroked it through Allen's soft angelic hair, down his back and laid it to rest at Allen's waist.
He lay there for a while quietly listening to Allen's heart thump against his chest. It was so soothing, he was drifting to sleep slowly when Allen started to murmur and vibrate. His murmuring grew a bit louder but not enough to wake anyone. Finally Matt could make out what Allen was murmuring and it made his blood run cold, Allen was begging Kyle to stop.
"Allen, its ok he won't get you, I promise" Matt whispered and it seemed to do the trick, Allen's breathing returned to normal. It took Matt longer to fall asleep, his anger burned bright. No one touched Allen and got away with it, Kyle would pay was his last thought before succumbing to sleep.