"If I told you I was looking for love, What would you say? If I told you it was with you, Would you never talk to me again? My box is the most invisible of all. The one that holds my feelings Inside my chest and behind these walls. I don't want to fuck up a friendship But if I told you we could be together for eternity That you mean more to me than anyone else That being with you is all I think about How could you possibly be offended? I wish I could let it out. I wish there was an easy answer for this. I wish I was in love with somebody else. I wish I was just attracted to girls. But most importantly, I wish you would say yes And be in love with me too. If only I could be myself And you could be yourself And we could be we."
The following account is based on a true story.
A BROTHER TO BEN by getback_jojo@hotmail.com
Ben was my brother's best friend. I had known him most of my life, but it wasn't until I was returning home from college that I noticed how much he had grown. Just a skinny kid for all those years, he was finally filling out in the right places. His brown curly locks and deep blue eyes all contributed to my infatuation with him. But it was more about the inside of him that kept him in my dreams at night. His smile was contagious and he could barely start a story without lighting up the whole fucking room. It was like hanging around a beautiful life force.
It was this life force that I was attracted to. This seventeen year old who was always bustling with energy. I wanted Ben from that moment. But I knew I had to play my hand carefully if I was going to steal him away from my younger brother Casey.
I guess at this point I should mention that I'm twenty-two. Not a pervert or anything. I certainly have straight friends who eye the junior girls in high school. Why shouldn't I have a crush on a seventeen year old boy? After all, love knows no bounds.
The night I truly fell in love with Ben I was keeping an eye on my brother and his friends. My parents had gone out of town for the weekend, leaving the house to just me and Casey. He talked to me about throwing a party and I told him it was cool as long as he kept the number of people down to a handful.
Ben was one of those handful. I couldn't take my eyes off of him the whole night. I worked hard to hang around him and it was clear he looked up to me a little. He asked me about college and fraternities and stuff and I told some of the crazier things that had happened. We laughed and got drunk as the night went on, finding excuses to casually touch each other.
"Ben, you amaze me," I tried to mention nonchalantly.
"Why?" He smiled. There was so much innocence in his voice.
"I don't know, dude. I just never expected to be sitting here talking to you like we were best friends. You're a sharp guy. I bet all the girls fight for your attention."
Ben shrugged. "I guess." It was my way of probing into his life for any hint he might be gay. His answer neither confirmed nor denied my hopes and desires. We drank a few more beers and talked about golf (Ben got third in state last year) and eventually Ben passed out with his head against my shoulder.
"You're such a faggot," I heard a voice say behind me. It was my little brother, Casey. I nudged Ben a little more away from me and made a face like it was a burden to be supporting him there.
"Hey, Casey. Looks like your friends can't hold their liquor."
"Don't be such an ass, Jon. I know you like holding him."
"Holding him? I'm not holding him. He passed out." Casey rolled his eyes and I lunged to hit him.
"Ow, shit, Jon. What was that for?"
"For being an ass."
My brother hit me back and we started to wrestle, nothing serious though. I conceded the entire sofa to Ben in order to throw Casey to the floor. At six feet tall and 170 pounds, I knew I had the advantage and I jumped on top of him. I dug my hand into his ribs and started to tickle him.
"Cut that out," he screamed.
"Not until you take it back."
"But it's true." I frogged him in the shoulder.
"Okay, I take it back!" Casey whined. I threw off his Duke cap and messed with his hair before getting off of him.
"You shouldn't call your friends faggot," I added.
"Ben knows I'm kidding. Besides, you're the only faggot in this room." I reached out to grab him, but he was out of harm's way. I jumped up and he quickly raced up the stairs and out of the room.
"Don't do anything gay to Ben," I heard him yell and then laugh. I guess at this point I should mention that my brother knows that I'm gay. He's cool with it, I think. But I had to tell him when he found all my gay porn on a zip disk that got misplaced. Still, he was the only one who knew and I depended on him to keep quiet.
I looked over at Ben who was still passed out. I couldn't help but stare at his cute and innocent face. He looked so peaceful. I tucked a blanket around him and leaned over to run my hand through his wavy brown hair. He smiled as I let my hand trail past his cheek, but I'm pretty sure it was just a reflex. I wanted to kiss him, just a soft short peck on the cheeks, but knew that it was crossing a line I shouldn't cross. At least not yet.
The next day we all went and played golf. Both he and Casey kicked my ass. They obviously spend a lot more time on their games than I do. Ben and I rode in a cart together while Casey rode with his other friend, Holden.
"Jon, why don't you have a girlfriend?" Ben asked somewhere around the tenth hole. I wondered if Casey had filled him in on anything. The question stuck in me like an arrow. "You don't have a girlfriend," I replied.
"Yeah, but I'm not twenty-three."
"Twenty-two," I corrected. "And maybe I don't like girls." Too clever, I know. Ben will take it as a joke, but of course I'm telling the fucking truth.
Ben laughed. "I thought so by the way you hit the ball. Maybe you should step up to the ladies tees."
"Fuck you." I laughed it off and swung. My shot landed on the green. It'll be my best shot of the day.
"Nice one, homo."
"Yeah, I'd hate to lose a hole to a queer," I added.
Ben's shot was better. It always is. I spend half of the day watching him hit better shots than me, though I often focus more on his cute little ass than anything else.
After the round, my little brother pulled me aside. "Jon, you're being a pervert," he accused me.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.
"The way you've been acting around Ben. Last night and all day. It's getting kind of obvious." I wasn't sure how to respond. "Just remember he's my friend," my brother finished. "And people will talk if you try anything."
"I'm not gonna try anything," I tried to convince him. Truth was I was trying to convince myself.
"You shouldn't have told him you didn't like girls."
"It was a joke."
"Was it?"
The last words he spoke rang through my ears. I wondered if maybe I was taking my crush too far. I certainly didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with my brother or his relationship with his friends. I nodded and told my younger sibling he was reading too much into everything.
Minutes later, we sat down at the country club to eat lunch and I noticed Ben chose to sit next to me. He let his foot rest against mine under the table and I smiled at him. He winked back. It may have been nothing, but it seemed like he might be hitting on me as much as I was hitting on him.
Nothing else would happen that day. In fact, I would leave the next day to return to college. But little did I know that Ben would be visiting me in the coming months for a tour of the university. He and Casey would stay with me in my room in the frat house. And it was a tour that I wouldn't soon forget.
END OF PART I...
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