A BROTHER TO BEN by getback_jojo@hotmail.com
I watched this gentle boy like I had so many times before and wondered if maybe he was trying to tell me he was gay. It seemed like nothing more than wishful thinking, but why was he acting so strange and asking weird questions? Was Ben asking me to touch him the way I had always wanted to touch him? I had to find out.
"Ben!" I yelled. He sat up slowly and opened his eyes. "Ben, there's something you should know, if you don't already." I paused, not knowing how to continue. I could feel a huge nerve lump forming in my throat. I looked into Ben's eyes and he looked right back. The room was silent.
"Ben..." I tried to continue.
He didn't respond. I started to open my mouth to say, "Yes, Ben I'm gay and I have the hugest crush on you." But before I could speak, the strangest thing happened. Ben made the first move.
(from Part III)
PART IV
(the usual disclaimers apply, special thanks to Will for getting me back on the ball & inspiring me to write again)
The sun first peered through my window at six in the morning. Thirty minutes later, Ben's alarm clock went off. He awoke, confused and hungover, probably trying to figure out why he was lying naked in my bed. He looked at me and I smiled, gently kissing his forehead (I would have kissed his lips if not for my morning breath). Ben just sat there in a daze. He rubbed the temples of his forehead, maybe to try and jar his memory of the night before or maybe just because his head hurt. I couldn't get a reading on him.
I don't know what I was expecting; some reciprocation I guess, a return kiss or a love nudge. Heck, I would have settled for any sign of affection. Instead, Ben untangled his legs from under the covers and rolled over to the far side of the bed. He got up, covering his naked body with my comforter, and began to search for his soccer gear. It pissed me off -- his sudden modesty and acting like nothing happened. I wondered if he was in denial, trying to forget the whole thing.
"You seen my boxers?" he asked, almost shyly.
"Here." I fetched them from under the covers and slingshot them to him. Ben stood there awkwardly for a second then wadded them up and threw them in a dirty clothes pile without saying another word. I wanted last night to mean as much to him as it did to me, but so far it appeared I was living in fantasy land. Ben floundered through his athletic duffel bag trying mostly to ignore me and pulled out his soccer clothes -- nylon shirt and adidas shorts, knee high socks, that sexy jock strap and his cleats.
I watched him dress in a kind of depressed daze. I wanted to say something to smooth things over, but nothing seemed appropriate. I had no previous experience to rely on as far as deflowering virgins went and all this thinking was destroying the fact that I had the hottest seventeen year old jock in town dressing in front of me. The silence was too much and finally all that came out of my mouth was, "What time is your game?"
"Eight." Ben pulled on his shirt. "But we got to be there thirty minutes early."
There was a knock on the door, well actually more of a banging and Ben and I both jumped a little. "Who is it?" I asked, worried about what people might think about Ben and myself retiring the party at the same time for the confines of my bedroom.
"Jon. Open up. We gotta leave in like ten minutes." It was Casey. I had forgotten that I had volunteered to be their ride this morning to the soccer tournament, a stupid task I had only applied myself to in order to assure that I would be spending more time with Ben. Well, maybe it was worth it. Or maybe I had just done the stupidest thing ever by sleeping with this seventeen year old.
"Jon?" Casey continued to bang my door down.
"Alright. I'm up. I'm coming." I groggily answered. I slid on my boxers and headed for the door.
"Have you seen Ben?" Casey asked through the closed door. "I think he got some last night."
"What?!" I replied, shocked. I stopped dead in my tracks. Was my brother pulling my chain or did he know something? I doubted it, but he was smart. He would probably figure things out before too long. The worried look on Ben's face said the same thing.
"Jon," Ben whispered, taking me aside. "We can't tell him anything." I nodded. "I swear if anybody finds out..." his voice trailed off. "I don't know what happened last night. I mean I do, but I was drunk. I don't think I'm gay."
Hey, however you want to play it, I thought to myself. Gosh, how I loved this kid. I nodded and told him it would be our little secret for eternity. Besides, Ben wasn't even legal. I mean technically I don't think we went far enough for any charges to be filed, but I'd just as soon nobody know either.
Ben started to lace up his shoes and I opened the door. Casey hurried in and started rummaging through his stuff. He looked as hungover as Ben, though not as guilty, and his hair was a rat's nest of a mess.
"Oh, Ben there you are. So you slept in Jon's room last night?"
Ben nodded.
"So then who did you score with?" Casey prodded. "I looked up about midnight and you were gone. One of Jon's frat brothers said he thought you went up to the room with somebody."
"Uh, no one," Ben hesitated.
"Come on, now, B." Casey slugged him in the arm. "You're holding out on me."
I could tell this was too much pressure for Ben so I decided to jump in. "Ben came up here with me," I answered. "He drank too much and felt sick so I brought him up here and then he passed out." That was the truth, too...sort of.
"Alone?" Casey answered. I could tell what he was getting at. He thought I might try to take advantage of his friend while unconscious. I couldn't believe my brother could have such a low opinion of my standards. Did I possibly molest your best friend? Sure, but not while he was passed out. Uggghhh.
"I slept on the floor," I lied. Ben nodded to back my story up. Whew. That seemed to be the end of it for now. I only hoped Ben could hold up in the long run.
"Well, then," my brother summed up. "I guess I'm the only one who got a piece of ass last night. College girl, too!" He high-fived his best friend and for the first time all morning, Ben smiled like everything was normal. But it wasn't. And they still had one more night to spend here.
I remember the first time I fooled around with a guy in eighth grade. It was a school trip to Washington, D.C. and I was sharing a bed with my best friend Joey. Our friendship was completely innocent, although I had only known Joey for two years and we had bonded quickly. Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him sleeping next to me and I remember how peaceful he looked. The way it made me feel to have his warm, masculine body (Joey ran track and played football) lying in the same bed with me...it was comforting. Joey was so cute. He had blonde hair and smooth skin and a good physique for fourteen. It was the first time I ever felt, well, gay. A huge longing embalmed my body and I wanted to take him into my arms and hold him close. I wanted to rub my fingers across his stomach and his chest and down his smooth, boyish legs.
I had always had these feelings, but it was the first time I think I realized what it all meant. And it petrified me. I knew I might be gay. In fact, I had prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for such horrible thoughts. But that night with Joey in the room, I realized why I had picked him to be my friend and why I had chosen to sleep in the same bed. I was falling in love with him.
Feeling brave, I closed my eyes and decided to act on my feelings. Pretending I was asleep, I rolled over on top of him. My hand dangled across his chest. Then my other hand. I reached down into his boxers and for the first time in my life, felt another boy's penis. It was awesome. Joey was about the same size as mine and cut. A little patch of pubes, just enough to make him more of a man than a boy.
I rubbed his cock gently and Joey began to stir, but he didn't wake. I continued to stroke up and down with the tips of my fingers. Keeping my eyes closed, I slid my pelvis against his and grinded my cock against him. I was completely aroused at this point and Joey was growing inside my hand at the same time.
Suddenly, he flinched and I thought he was gonna wake up and smack me. Instead, his arm reached slowly across my stomach and down my boxers and he began to jerk me off. It was the greatest feeling ever. Better than all my solo sessions in the shower combined. Joey moaned as I ran my fingers up and down his cock. I would massage his balls and then he would do the same to me. Finally, it was too much. I had to open my eyes and peak. I did so and he had his eyes open, too, but instead of smiling at me and taking me completely into his arms like I imagined, he just jerked away. He pulled my hand out of his pants and pushed me off to the other side of the bed where I stayed the rest of the night. I wasn't sure what I did wrong or if I did anything wrong other than follow my feelings. But by morning I felt guilty as hell and was praying again for God to not let me be gay.
Joey and I would never talk about the incident. Nor would it happen again. In fact, I switched beds the next night to make sure of it. And four years would pass before I even tried to touch another guy sexually. I felt guilty that time, too. Hell, I fled as soon as the sex was over. But in time I had come to terms with my sexual desires. I had fallen in love and had a boyfriend for a couple of months and the guilt had finally subsided.
Right now, though, it wasn't my guilt that was an issue. It was Ben's and I was responsible for it. It was possible that my lust for my brother's best friend had caused a lot of hurt. Ben would leave tomorrow, and I didn't want it to be under these terms. At the same time, I was afraid that Ben was starting to hate me for what happened. And that scared me most of all. I loved Ben. It wasn't just sex for me. I wanted to be with him forever. Even if he was just a junior in high school. And that meant it was gonna be me who got hurt the worst in the end.
TO BE CONTINUED...