This story is fiction. The city of Clifton, and the University of Clifton, exist only in my imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. These stories have as their main character a sexually active gay college student. If this is offensive to you, or if it is illegal in your area, or if you are under age, please leave now.
This story involves a search for personal acceptance, worth, and meaning. There is a religious element in these stories. If you don't like that, maybe now is a good time to leave.
My stories develop slowly. If you're in a hurry, this is probably not for you.
Thanks to Colin for editing.
Constructive criticism is welcome on my e-mail at perti@live.com.
Bryce, Chapter 16 - Psychology
One of the courses which seemed to offer Bryce some direct assistance in dealing with his personal issues was Psychology. He kept up with the day to day assignments, and did well on the first exam. By then, he was having some doubts about psychology's claim to be a science, however. He discovered that an awful lot of what Professor Greeley covered, and what was in the textbook, was no more than someone's theory about how the human mind worked, and that there was a competing, and often contradictory, theory for almost every important aspect of the discipline. He also found some of those theories based on assumptions about human nature which he did not share. In one chapter, for example, he found the statement that the only real difference between humans and apes was that humans had a much more highly developed brain cortex. That seemed to Bryce to be an entirely unwarranted assumption. There was no debate about the more highly developed human cortex, but to say it was the only significant difference was superficial and presumptuous. It might be the only significant anatomical difference, but that's not saying the same thing, by a long shot. That statement simply ignores the experience of most humans of the reality of something other than the purely physical. There were always other experts, who seemed equally qualified, who had different approaches and explanations of everything taught in the introductory psychology course.
Armed with this skepticism, Bryce nonetheless undertook his assignment for the course. He studied the various personality tests handed out by Dr. Greeley, at least cursorily. Some seemed fairly straight forward, at least until he got into them more deeply, while others seemed more complex, and seemed to require a second person for at least some part of the assessment involved. He put those off until he felt comfortable asking Damon's help.
The most frequently cited personality test in the literature accompanying the course, and on the web sites visited by Bryce, was the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, supposedly based on work by the well-known psychologist Carl Jung. This one could be self-administered and evaluated. Bryce took the basic test provided by Dr. Greeley, which was supposed to analyze personality based on four sets of alternatives: Introverted/Extraverted, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling, and Judging/Perceiving. He administered the test to himself three different times over a period of a week and a half, beginning during the first week of September on that day they visited the fraternities neither he nor Damon were interested in. He allowed four or five days between times. After the first time, he was dissatisfied with the results, which was why he decided to take it several times. After the second time, he immediately saw a problem, in that the results differed significantly. Hence, the third time, which did not resolve the differences. In general, all agreed that he was Introverted rather than Extraverted, but the degrees of introversion varied from 50% to 76%. Likewise, he was evaluated as Thinking rather than Feeling, but the scores varied from 62% to 85%. He was definitely in the Judging column, in one instance 100%, but in another 85%. The real difference came with the Intuitive/Sensing dichotomy, where he was Sensing by 64% on one occasion, but Intuitive by 61% on another. Bryce gave this much thought, concluding that the differences were partly a consequence of his different moods when he was taking the tests, but also partly a consequence of the tests themselves. For example, one of the early questions asked whether the respondent felt involved when watching soaps on TV. Bryce answered No, but considered that this was because he did not watch soaps on TV. Perhaps if he did, he might answer differently. Another question asked him to answer yes or no to "You know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose." Well, knowing how is not the same as doing it. Moreover, he considered that on occasion the best purpose of his time was to simply relax and do nothing. Yet, that did not seem to be what the questionnaire was asking. In short, Bryce would have preferred to write an essay about some of the questions where his only allowable response was yes or no. As a consequence, he might answer yes on one occasion, and no on another, depending on how he was feeling at the time.
He discovered that there were a variety of similar personality tests on line. As they used the same four sets of characteristics, they were presumably spin-offs from the "official" Myers- Briggs test provided by Dr. Greeley, although the questions varied a good deal, and some of them offered a 'neutral' or 'not applicable' option. When he took several of these tests, and compared the results to the form of the test distributed in class, the results varied even more widely than among his three takings of the original test, sometimes as much as fifty points.
However, in almost every instance, he was evaluated as being more introverted than extraverted, more thinking than feeling, and more judging than perceiving. It was that second category, the intuiting or sensing one, that seemed to swing back and forth. According to the definitions provided with the test, those who prefer sensing are more likely to trust information that is in the present, tangible, and concrete, that is, information that can be understood by the five senses. They tend to distrust hunches, which seem to "come out of nowhere." They prefer to look for details and facts. For them, the meaning is in the data. On the other hand, those who prefer intuition tend to trust information that is more abstract or theoretical, that can be associated with other information (either remembered or discovered by seeking wider context or pattern). They may be more interested in future possibilities. They tend to trust those flashes of insight that seem to bubble up from the unconscious mind. The meaning is in how the data relate to the pattern or theory.
As Bryce read and reread these definitions in an effort to understand why he tested so differently in this category between testings, he realized that he did not see either of these categories as necessarily coherent, nor did he see the two as necessarily opposed. When considering an historical problem, for example, Bryce very definitely focused on detail and a careful consideration of the data, but it was an insight as often as not which told him how these bits of data fit together to explain or illuminate the significance of an historical person or event. Likewise, when dealing with moral issues, he was very definitely guided by the abstract or general principles taught by Christianity in general and the Catholic Church in particular, but how those general principles were applied to a specific instance might depend on the concrete case, and even the specific details. This dilemma of his seemed to be not his at all, upon reflection, but rather a problem arising from the assumptions of those who composed the test. Bryce decided that, in his written report for Dr. Greeley, he would simply have to present his reservations, and the reasons for them, when he discussed the results of the testing.
Another test which he could administer himself offered five categories, again with opposing dichotomies. It was called The Big Five, appropriately enough. The five categories were open/closed, disorganized/conscientious, extraverted/introverted, agreeable/disagreeable, and nervous/calm. Bryce found that his results indicated that he was closed, conscientious, introverted, disagreeable, and calm. He did not like some of those results. He considered that, while he was assessed as closed, this was because he believed that there were certain standards of truth and behavior which were valid for everyone, and he saw nothing wrong with that, although he did not like it being labeled "closed." He did not question being called conscientious, although he was not sure that was the opposite of disorganized, nor did he disagree with being introverted and calm. He did disagree with being called disagreeable, and could not decide on what grounds that evaluation was rendered, other than the fact, once again, that he was not willing to accept the idea that all opinions were equally valid.
Even before he had completely digested these two tests, Bryce decided that he could trust Damon to assist him with those which seemed to require a second person. It was on 8 September, while he and Damon discussed their respective interests, that Bryce first asked Damon's help. He explained what was involved, and that he trusted his boyfriend to keep the results of these testings to himself. They did not actually carry out a test that day, as there did not seem to be enough time, and Damon insisted on introducing Bryce to gay sites on the internet before they went to their meeting at Sigma Alpha Tau. However, over the following weeks they had a number of sessions, which sometimes became very personal indeed.
The first test with which Damon was involved was the Rorschach test. Bryce had been provided with ten "ink blots," although some of the more colorful certainly did not look like casually spilled ink. The only thing all of them seemed to have in common was that there were two halves which were mirror images of each other. On a couple of them, Bryce let his imagination run riot, and invented whole stories to accompany the images. On one, he decided it looked like absolutely nothing more than spilled ink. They taped his responses so they could go back over them for analysis. He and Damon sat for several hours attempting to analyze his answers in light of the guidelines presented with the test. They came to some hilarious conclusions about Bryce's personality, laughing a great deal, but most of what they discussed would not find its way into his research paper. On a more serious note, they did eventually decide that the tests indicated that he had an imagination, that he tended to worry too much, and that he liked animals. Of course, he already knew that.
The fourth test supplied by Dr. Greeley was the Oxford Capacity Analysis. This, too, was one which Bryce sought Damon's help in administering and evaluating. Even as they were taking the test, however, they both thought some of the questions leading and peculiar. When they analyzed the results, they were pretty depressing, indicating that Bryce was intelligent but mentally unstable, liable to a nervous breakdown in the near future, rigid, and with distinctly homosexual leanings. The two students subjected this test to scrutiny, as they had the others. There was something profoundly disturbing about these results, and about some of the questions, but it took a while before they could identify what it was. Finally, Bryce got on line and checked out the test. There, he discovered that this was a test developed for L. Ron Hubbard's Church of Scientology. It had nothing whatsoever to do with the University of Oxford, or anything else associated with that seat of learning. It was designed to make the testee feel inadequate, so he could be told that it was only by accepting the tenants of that rather peculiar ideology that he could be made whole. It was a fixed game, like a shell game at the county fair, where the results always favored the preconceived goals of the test maker. Consequently, in his written report, Bryce dismissed the results as invalid because of flaws in the test itself. He also noted that the test was not accepted by most reputable psychological testing agencies and authorities.
Even while analysis and retesting for some of these already mentioned was going on, and long before any final report was written, on the afternoon of 17 September Bryce tackled the last of the five tests provided by Professor Greeley. The results were such that he decided to involve Damon, even though the nature of the test itself did not require this. This test was labeled the AGMH Personality Test. Even before subjecting himself to formally taking the test, a preliminary scan revealed a high concentration on sexual matters. Well over half the more than a hundred questions dealt directly with sexual experiences, sexual attitudes, and sexual orientation. Many of the others could be interpreted in a sexual way, or could have sexual overtones. This, of course, was in keeping with the Professor's initial statements about how he would handle the course. Some of the questions seemed to echo some of the issues raised when Bryce researched his Biology paper, which he had not yet completed. Hence, before taking the test for purposes of his paper, he went back to some of his notes taken for that course, and was reminded of a useful Wikipedia site on sexual orientation. There, he found a brief description of a test developed before Kinsey by a German investigator named Magnus Hirschfeld, who lived from 1868 to 1935. Bryce went to the separate article on Hirschfeld, and learned more about his ideas about sexuality, and his tests for sexual attraction. One thing which he found intriguing and attractive about this early kind of test (Hirschfeld's initial test was developed in 1896), was that it purported to test the strength of sexual attraction, as well as whether it was heterosexual or homosexual attraction. Reading about Hirschfeld and his efforts to obtain some legal recognition for gays in Germany led Bryce to realize just how different things were about a century ago. At least today, despite some adverse social pressures, being gay was no longer illegal. At least, not in the United States. It came as no surprise to Bryce to discover that all Hirschfeld's efforts came to naught after the Nazis came to power in Germany in 1933. He died two years later in exile. In addition to being gay, he was also Jewish by background, and so a double target for the Nazis. During those dark years of the Nazi dictatorship, gays were sent to the concentration campus just like the Jews, the gypsies, the feebleminded, and several other categories of people who did not meet the Nazi standards of full human beings. Whereas Jews were forced to wear yellow identification badges, gays had to wear pink ones. Bryce wondered which color they would have made Hirschfeld wear.
All this research into the background of the test led to an insight (Did that make him intuitive on the Myers-Briggs scale, or did all the research make him sensing?). The MH in the title of this test, he decided, stood for Magnus Hirschfeld. In that case, what did the AG stand for? It was a no-brainer to decide it was Alfred Greeley, the instructor himself, who was designated by these initials. Bryce consulted the instructions which accompanied the test, and noted that, like the others, this one was hedged about with multiple guarantees of confidentiality, but at the same time contained statements that generic data might be used for research purposes. Bryce decided that his professor was engaged in a research project, and was using the results of these "research papers" as his raw data. He wondered about the propriety of that, even after he came, at the very back of the packet of materials passed out to the students, to a form certifying that the student was aware that the results of these tests might be used in research, with a line for his signature giving consent. Was this a valid informed consent form? Bryce was not sure he could answer that question, but he felt the whole approach was more than a little questionable.
Despite that, he decided to go ahead and take the test on that September afternoon. After all, a major reason for his coming to Clifton in the first place was to decide how to deal with those unwelcome urges which he had been unwilling until recently even to name. There was still a myriad of questions, even after admitting he was gay, which cried aloud for answers which he did not have. Maybe he could gain some insight helpful in answering at least a few of them from this testing process. Bryce conscientiously answered the questions on the test, and then consulted the evaluation guidelines. He found that this test, like the original test developed by Hirschfeld, was designed to test sexual attraction on a ten point scale. This was a very different approach than the better known Kinsey scale, which was a single scale of six points from totally heterosexual to totally homosexual. The Hirschfeld test yielded two ten-point scales, measuring the strength of sexual attraction. One scale measured heterosexual attraction, the other homosexual attraction. So, for example, a person who was basically gay might have a ten point score on the homosexual scale if he were very highly sexed, and a low score of one or two on the heterosexual scale. Someone who was completely heterosexual might be just the opposite. This recognized that some people had stronger sex drives than others as well as discerning the object of that drive. For example, Bryce could imagine a gay person with a low sex drive scoring a four or five on the homosexual scale and a one on the heterosexual scale. A fully bisexual person might, if he were highly sexed, score high on both scales. Bryce was strongly attracted to this approach, as he knew he had not only engaged in sex with females, but, in all honesty, had usually enjoyed it, even if it had not completely satisfied him. Consequently he was anxious to find his results. Once all his answers were tabulated, he found that he barely scored an eight on the homosexual scale, and a four on the heterosexual scale.
In addition to testing the strength of one's sexual attraction on these two scales, the AGMH Test also had a section on one's attitudes towards various sexual issues and practices. Bryce could find nothing in his researches into Hirschfeld corresponding to this part of the test, so he decided this was Dr. Greeley's contribution. A series of questions evoked responses about such matters as rape, violence, and domination in a sexual context. Here, there was no equivocation or doubt. While the results showed that he was accepting of most consensual relationships, Bryce tested as having very definite and firm opinions which characterized as unacceptable any kind of violence or pressure, whether physical or emotional, associated with sex. He strongly believed that the application of force in a sexual context was morally wrong, as it violated the essential dignity of the individual. Even in cases of consensual relations, as in a Sadistic/Masochistic relationship, this was wrong. This was not merely a life style issue, but a sign of some significant psychological defect if one chose to be hurt, or could achieve satisfaction only by hurting another. Whether heterosexual or homosexual, for it to be acceptable, a sexual relationship had to be truly consensual and healthy.
Even as he evaluated his answers to this section of the test, Bryce was aware that he was in an equivocal position. Not too very long ago, all homosexual relationships were classified as a psychological sickness, and there were many people today who would not agree that a homosexual relationship could be healthy. Yet, he was aware of strong feelings on this matter, feelings so strong that he surprised himself. Giving the matter considerable thought, he decided that, for him, it came down to a matter of human dignity. There was something very special, even sacred, about the dignity of each human being, a belief derived from his religious background. That dignity was not, in his opinion, violated by a homosexual relationship, provided that relationship was truly consensual and in keeping with the nature of the individual. His biological researches had convinced him that some people were by nature primarily homosexual. For them, a homosexual relationship was, therefore, inherent and in keeping with the essential dignity of that person. It would be acting contrary to nature, and therefore also contrary to human dignity, for a totally homosexual person to engage in heterosexual activity, just as it would be for a totally heterosexual person to engage in homosexual activity. But he could find no place in his concept of human dignity for achieving pleasure by the infliction of pain by one person on another, whether that pain was physical or emotional.
Because this evoked such a strong response, Bryce did not trust his own calculations, so, even though the nature of the test did not require it, he decided to consult Damon and involve him in this part of his project as well. By the time he reached this decision, it was nearly five o'clock, but he asked Damon to join him for this purpose, and his boyfriend readily consented. They continued at it until Bryce noted that it was time for him to leave for his history study group. He arranged to meet Damon at Pat's Tavern when the group broke up, usually shortly before ten o'clock.
Damon had enjoyed making comments on Bryce's mental stability and personality quirks after helping with some of the other tests, but Bryce felt confident that he could rely on his friend's essential support and discretion in this matter, especially as it involved the big issue of Bryce's sexual orientation. Damon was intrigued by Bryce's researches, and gladly agreed to participate in whatever way asked. He had expressed some skepticism about the validity of some of the earlier tests, so he was not expecting much when he came to assist with this one, but he was very interested in understanding his neighbor better, and in helping Bryce come to grips with his admission that he was gay.
Bryce and Damon plunged into the AGMH Personality Test. The results of this round of testing surprised them. With only minor adjustments, Damon's evaluation of Bryce's results corresponded to Bryce's own, and gave him considerable insight into his friend. Like Bryce, Damon was fascinated with the idea of the two scales, and the strength of attraction on each. So much was he drawn into this test that he convinced Bryce to administer it to him. Like Bryce, Damon strongly agreed that violence had no place in a sexual relationship, although he was not as sure of himself as his friend when it came to non-physical forms of violence. To the surprise of neither of them Damon had a stronger homosexual orientation than Bryce, and a weaker heterosexual one. Whereas Bryce barely scored an eight on the homosexual scale, Damon scored nine, and where Bryce was a four on the heterosexual scale, Damon was a two. Checking each other, the two were confident that their results were not a result of subjective manipulation of the answers or twisting the data to fit a preconceived outcome.
Damon's results would not be part of Bryce's research report turned in to his Psychology professor, but they agreed it was good that Damon had determined to take the test himself. It provided both of them with some guidelines to go by in their developing relationship. It would not be until after fall break that Bryce had a paper written in a way that satisfied him, and even then he decided to lay it aside for a week and then read it again, just to make sure he had said what he really intended. But these experiences on that Thursday afternoon and evening led to a very significant discussion over a series of beers at Pat's Tavern, that bar which did not check IDs carefully, and was in consequence a favorite student hang-out. After Bryce completed the study session with his history group, he departed to this watering hole, where he and Damon discussed what they had learned about each other, as Bryce finally got something to eat as well as drink. Eventually, a really important issue arose. At this point, Bryce still had not engaged in gay sex, and Damon wanted to know why.
"All that testing you did says you should be having sex with other guys, right?" Damon challenged him.
"No. What it says is that in some way I am biologically wired to have sex with other guys, and that I want to have sex with other guys. But there's no 'should' about it," Bryce insisted.
"Huh? Go over that again," Damon demanded.
"This is the way I see it, Damon. Biology is a science. From biology I learned that sexual orientation is something given by natural causes over which we have no control. Therefore, I am naturally gay. That was not my choice. It would be a lot easier and simpler if I could choose to be straight, but I can't. I'm not sure psychology is a science. It seems to me a science ought to be more definite, and one thing I learned while working on this project was that there is a hell of a lot of weasel room in psychology. But, there seems to be pretty good evidence, even if not totally conclusive, that I am strongly wired to desire gay sex. I accept this conclusion from the psychological tests in part because it is backed by the results of my researches in biology. I think if I did not have the biological evidence, I would be a lot more skeptical, since those tests tended to come out different each time I took them, and some contradicted others."
"Okay, but the bottom line is both biology and psychology agreed that you're gay. So, why the reluctance on your part to have gay sex?" Damon demanded.
"I wouldn't say reluctance," Bryce qualified his position. "In fact, there are times when I feel like letting go and .... Well, you can imagine what I mean. You've seen some of the same gay web sites I have. In fact, you led me to them. It's not that at all. It's the 'should' part I'm not sure about. None of the results of either project tells me what I should do. They tell me what I want to do, and what I'm wired to do, but not what I should do."
"But, if you're naturally gay, and have a strong desire in that direction, shouldn't you go ahead and have gay sex? Isn't holding back somehow unnatural, or even causing some kind of psychological problem?" Damon asked.
"I think that's more pop-psych than real psychology," Bryce responded. "It's based on the idea that we should do whatever we feel like doing. I know that's a popular idea, but I don't think it's a valid one. There are too many loopholes which are unacceptable. What if I felt like I should be inflicting pain, like those BDSM advocates. Is that justified because I feel like it? There are real psychological illnesses, but the people who are afflicted with them feel that they are right. What I am saying, Damon, is that science can tell us what is. It can tell me that I am gay. But it can't tell me what that means in moral terms. It can't tell me what should be, or what I should do about it. I've got to deal with that. I can't just abandon my dignity as a human being, with a mind and reason, and act like I'm no more than an atom or molecule bandied about by forces over which I have no control."
"You know, Bryce, sometimes I hate you. You can take a perfectly simple subject, like having sex, and turn it into a federal case. It's even worse than frustrating. It's downright diabolical. If you just frustrated me sexually, I could find someone else to make out with. Unlike you, I have had sex with other guys, and I like it just fine. But no, you've got to make me question what I want to do. You are an A-number-one pain in the ass."
"I love you, too, Damon," Bryce said with a grin. "I'm truly blessed to have a boyfriend who will put up with me, and my constantly questioning everything. Remember, some of those same tests said I need to analyze everything and have reasons for what I do. But, just because you're so understanding, I'll stand the next round of beers."
After Bryce returned from the bar with two beers in hand, Damon continued to pressure him. "Are you ever going to make up your mind about this?"
"Man, I hope so. Believe me, I don't like being in suspended animation like this. But I kind of feel like I need to know where I stand before I do anything," Bryce defended himself. "I like having you as my friend. Especially as my boyfriend. And I truly appreciate your putting up with me while I work this out."
"It's a good thing I like you, too, or I wouldn't put up with your obsessive analyzing and re-analyzing everything," Damon declared.
"Is that what I'm doing? Do you really think I'm being obsessive?" Bryce asked.
"Yes, Bryce, I think you're being obsessive. Is that plain enough?"
"Gee, I'll have to think about that," Bryce naively stated.
Damon moaned. He rose from the booth, picked up his glass, and poured the beer over Bryce's head.
"Sometime action is more important than analysis," he declared, and stalked out.