This story is fiction. The city of Clifton, and the University of Clifton, exist only in my imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. These stories have as their main character a sexually active gay college student. If this is offensive to you, or if it is illegal in your area, or if you are under age, please leave now.
This story involves a search for personal acceptance, worth, and meaning. There is a religious element in these stories. If you don't like that, maybe now is a good time to leave.
My stories develop slowly. If you're in a hurry, this is probably not for you.
Thanks to Colin for editing.
Constructive criticism is welcome on my e-mail at pertinax.carrus@gmail.com.
Bryce, Chapter 20 - Nan's Weekend, Part II
After lunch, and a walk around campus to give Nan the grand tour and to allow their meal to settle, Bryce and his sister ambled over to the Newman Center a little after two o'clock in the afternoon. Although the doors were unlocked, there did not seem to be anyone around. They inspected the chapel, which Nan dismissed as "typical low-bid construction," then passed through a side door directly into the other part of the complex. Here, too, no one seemed to be around. Poking into various rooms, they found what was apparently a meeting room of some considerable size, and then a smaller library or reading room. There, at last, they came on a living person, a student who looked up from her reading when they entered.
"Can I help you?" the student asked.
"No," Bryce replied. "I'm just showing my sister around. She's visiting for a few days."
"Okay. Not many people here," the student said. "Most are away for break. I live too far, and can't afford the airfare, so I'm stuck here," she lamented. "Good for catching up on term papers, I guess."
"Don't let us disturb you," Nan said.
Returning to the main lobby, they were about to leave, when the door to the chaplain's office opened. Father Miller had the same question. "Can I help you?"
"No, Father," Bryce said. "I was just showing my sister around."
The priest came closer. "Bryce, isn't it? Sorry, I don't remember your last name."
"Winslow. I'm surprised you remember anything. I only spoke with you once, and that was about a month ago," Bryce said, clearly impressed.
"Not many students come for the reasons you did," the priest answered.
"There aren't many like him," Nan interjected. "I'm Nan Winslow, since my brother has forgotten his manners."
Bryce blushed.
Father Miller chuckled. "Glad to meet you, Nan. Are you a student here, too?"
"No, I'm just visiting for a few days. We have to straighten my little brother out from time to time."
"Nan!" Bryce objected, flushing a bright pink.
"It's good to see you have a normal relationship with your brother," the priest teased. "By the way, Bryce, I recall now that I sent you on to St. Boniface. How did that work out?"
"Pretty well, Father! I really like the liturgy there. I should have come back and thanked you for the referral."
"Pretty well?" the priest enquired.
"The sermons don't stack up to yours," Bryce answered.
"Thank you for the compliment." Then, glancing from one sibling to the other, he added, "Is there some special reason you're still around during break?"
"No," Bryce lied.
"Yes," Nan contradicted him. "In fact, if you have the time, I'd like to talk with you some about that."
"Nan!" Bryce objected again, with just as little effect.
"Certainly. During the break I have plenty of free time," Father Miller said, "I don't have anything scheduled for another hour or two. Won't you come into my office?"
Once they were seated, Nan led off. "There is an issue we need to discuss with you, as, from what my brother tells me, you seem to be more attuned to what we might call theological matters than some others," Nan began, with Bryce becoming increasingly uncomfortable.
"I do have a doctorate in Sacred Theology from the Gregorianum in Rome, so I suppose I'm the best available right now, anyway," Father Miller said.
"I'm very disturbed by some of the pronouncements from the Vatican and the bishops on sexual issues. Frankly, Father, they don't seem to know what they're talking about most of the time," Nan said forthrightly.
Bryce was moving about, trying to find a comfortable position, which was impossible, of course, as his discomfort was not physical. "Quit squirming," Nan told him, sounding just like his mother had when he was a small child.
Father Miller smiled. "From what I recall of our earlier conversation, Bryce, your sister seems to be more in the mainstream of students than you are. Almost all the students here seem to agree with you, Nan."
"I'm not all that right wing," Bryce protested. "I told you I thought I was moderate."
"And, from what Bryce tells me, I probably would not feel all that comfortable at your Masses here," Nan added.
"We may be very contemporary about liturgy, but we do attempt to minister to a range of tastes and concerns," Father Miller said. "For example, we have had several discussions on topics related to the matter you raised, Nan, right here at the Center, but I don't think Bryce has availed himself of any of them."
"No, the stubborn mule is trying to figure everything out all by himself," Nan said.
"I think I'll go outside for a while," Bryce said, starting to rise.
"No you won't. You need to hear what Father has to say," Nan insisted.
He sighed, but sat back down.
"Let me see where we stand here," the priest said. "Are we concerned about abortion?"
"No," Nan replied. "That's not about sex. It's about life. We have no problem with the Church's position on that. I want to hear what you have to say about homosexuality."
"Oh, I see." The priest paused, gathering his thoughts. "There is a great deal of controversy over that issue in the Church right now," he said.
"It doesn't look like it from what the bishops say," Bryce insisted in a cynical tone of voice.
"What the bishops say is only one part of what is being said within the Church at this time," Father Miller insisted. "There are many theologians, theologians who are recognized in the field and are undeniably part of the Church, who disagree with all or part of what the bishops have to say. What specifically bothers you?"
"I read the bishops' statement on homosexuality on line. There seems to be a contradiction. They say being gay is not sinful, but it's still wrong. I believe the words were inherently disordered' and unnatural.' That's a slap in the face of every gay person who reads it," Bryce said heatedly.
"I see where you're coming from. Many would agree with you. At the very least, it was a poor choice of words," Father Miller agreed. "But there's more, isn't there?"
"Yes. The bishops go on to say all homosexual acts are sinful. They seem to expect all homosexuals to be celibate. That's simply crazy. I figure there are at least nine million homosexuals in the United States alone. Expecting all of them to have no sex life is just not facing reality, when even ordained priests can't do it, and have to fuck little kids," Bryce spat out.
"Bryce! That's uncalled for," Nan protested.
Before Bryce could reply, Father Miller said, "No, that's all right, Nan. Good Catholics should be angry about the harm the abusers did, harm to their victims, first of all, but also harm to the Church. But please remember that most of us have been faithful to our vows."
Somewhat calmed by the priest's attitude, and embarrassed by his own intemperance, Bryce admitted, "I was wrong to say what I did. I never meant to imply that you were personally involved in anything unethical. It's just that the position of the bishops seems so out of touch with reality that it's almost inviting another scandal, like denying the reality of pedophile priests."
"There may be something to what you say, Bryce. But, as I said, the position staked out by the bishops is only one side of the discussion going on in theological circles, here and abroad."
"Then, why don't we ever hear the other side?" Bryce asked.
"Well, if you were at a Catholic institution, you would hear about alternatives in Theology classes. If you participated in our discussion sessions here at Newman, you would hear it here. If you sought my advice, or that of most informed priests, you could learn about it from readings we could recommend. But you won't learn about it from the public media."
"Why not?" Nan asked.
"In case you haven't noticed, there is a distinctly anti-Catholic bias in the public media. It is part of the general bias against anything which smacks of authority, especially in matters of morals and belief. If you read or listen to only the public media, you would have the impression that the Catholic Church is a monolithic, totalitarian organization, where anyone who disagrees even slightly with the official line announced by the Vatican is oppressed and deprived of all means of making his position known," the priest summarized.
"Yeah, that is the impression I get on this matter of homosexuality. Look at the campaigns the bishops wage against same-sex unions, even civil unions," Bryce asserted.
"Under the present pope, there has been a good deal of pressure along those lines," Father Miller admitted, "but that is not the only position found within the Church. There are priests and theologians, as well as informed laypeople, who represent a different viewpoint, and they are part of the Church, too."
"But we never hear about those people," Bryce said again.
"That's as much the fault of the public media as it is of the bishops. It's so much easier for the media to quote the bishops, and then self-righteously pretend that this represents the entire story, since they have already decided the Catholic Church is obscurantist and outdated. They're only interested in the other side when they can make a hero of some priest or theologian who has a conflict with his bishop. As I said, the media love pretending that the Church is a monolithic, totalitarian organization, with no room for dissent or discussion, and, frankly, the bishops like that image as well. It bolsters their position to have it presented as the only Catholic position," Father Miller said, obviously feeling strongly about this matter.
After a moment's reflection, Nan commented, "What you say corresponds to my own experience. Our pastor at home is one who totally supports the company line. I don't think he's ever had an original thought in his life. But the Catholic chaplain at my school sounds more like you. I've never talked with him about homosexuality, but I have about other topics, and he's much more flexible."
"And if Bryce had accepted my invitation to return here, either for some of our programs or for personal counseling, he might have encountered a wider range of positions than what he found in official documents on the web," the priest insisted.
"That sounds just like Bryce. The part about him not coming by for any of your discussions and not asking for advice. He's terribly stubborn sometimes," Nan said.
Somewhat embarrassed by the way this was turning out, Bryce conceded, "All right. I admit it. I remember you telling me on my other visit that there were discussion sessions, but I never looked into it. Frankly, I was so turned off by my experience at Mass that first Sunday, I didn't want to have anything to do with the Newman Center."
"What about St. Boniface?" Father Miller asked.
"Well, as I said, I love the liturgy there, but none of the sermons seemed to promise any kind of help in what I was struggling with. Deacon Jeffers and Deacon O'Malley are okay, but kind of simple, like the grade school lessons I remember, and Father Payne, well, he doesn't make much sense most of the time, and when he did speak about homosexuality, he was, well, just plain insulting." Turning to Nan, Bryce said, "He's the one I complained about to Mom, and she told me to just take something to read during the sermon." Then, realizing what he had said, he blushed.
"I recall that Father Payne was asked to deliver the homily at the priests' retreat once. Once," Father Miller chuckled. "What did you find insulting about his presentation?"
"I took my ... er ... a friend of mine to Mass with me Sunday a week ago. Unfortunately, it was a Sunday when Father Payne preached. Not only was I embarrassed by his total disregard for the rules of English grammar and logic, but what he had to say was completely uncompromising. It was like anyone who had any kind of sex except missionary position between husband and wife was some kind of pervert who was being totally irresponsible, and was an enemy of God," Bryce explained with some feeling.
"I think it's safe to say that represents a minority viewpoint. A very distinct minority. Even most conservative priests would not be so narrow," Father Miller said.
"Perhaps Father Payne's inability to express himself coherently contributed to the situation. And then, I had a guest with me," Bryce compromised, still feeling a little embarrassed by his earlier outburst about the abuse scandal.
"Ah yes. Your ... friend. May I assume that this is a personal issue with you, not merely a theoretical consideration?"
"Yes. I am gay," Bryce said, pronouncing each word defiantly. "I only recently have been able to admit that to myself, although it bothered me for years. The reason I have these problems is because all the priests and all my teachers in Catholic schools told me homosexuality was wrong. Now, I'm trying to decide how this self-knowledge fits into what I have been taught in other areas of religious life. If you were so wrong about this ...." Bryce left his sentence unfinished, but the implication was not lost on the priest.
There was a period of uneasy silence. Then Father Miller said, "As I recall, when you were here before, you told me you always went to Mass on Sundays. Has that changed?"
"No. I don't want to drop out. I don't want to break with the Church. I still feel like I'm Catholic. I still believe most of what I've been taught. But I'm torn. I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm homosexual by nature. This is the way God created me. And I also know that I'm not cut out to be celibate. I just can't. I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile those two things with being Catholic, but I haven't been very successful so far," Bryce declared.
"I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Bryce. I wish you would let me help you," the chaplain suggested.
"How can the true Church be so wrong about something as basic as sex?" Bryce asked.
"That's a complicated question, and can only have a complicated answer. To over-simplify grossly, we are dependent on fallible humans administering Christ's Church."
"So, where does this leave us?" Nan asked.
"It leaves us with the remarkable conclusion that Jesus entrusted the running of his Church to ordinary human beings, like our first pope, St. Peter, who certainly had his share of screw-ups. If Jesus had wanted things to be run perfectly, he should have put angels in charge," Father Miller concluded.
"Why didn't he?" Nan persisted. "Why didn't he make things so plain no one could mistake his meaning?"
"Because of love. God loves us, and he wants us to love him in return. But for it to be real, love has to be freely given. If God set up a situation where everything was so clear that there could be no question about what was right and what was wrong, we would have no choice but to do the right thing, and that would deprive us of our freedom. It would be a violation of our free will, and thus a violation of one of the things which makes us truly human. It would be a violation of our dignity as humans. So, in order to obtain true love from those whom he loves, God had to give us the freedom to reject him: the freedom to screw up."
"I like that part about our dignity as humans," Bryce said. "I already decided that was very important. I also decided the position of the Church, or of the bishops if you prefer, is a violation of the dignity of homosexuals as human beings."
"That is an argument some theologians make," the priest said. "It is unquestioned Catholic teaching that each of us is created in the image and likeness of God. We each have an immortal soul. That is what makes us specifically human, what distinguishes us from mere beasts. And that is what gives us our special dignity. One aspect of that is our free will. We can choose, at least within certain bounds. We are not mere automatons reacting to stimuli. That is what God loves in us,' the theologian proclaimed.
"That's beautiful," Nan said, "and it makes a lot more sense than anything else I've heard. Now, as to my stubborn little brother, what can you recommend?"
"Nan!" Bryce ineffectively protested.
"We are always learning more about what God wants of us," the priest said. "It has always been the Catholic position that our grasp of divine truth is never complete. Around the year 400, St. Augustine wrote that there are certain matters pertaining to the Faith which he could not grasp, but he was confident that they would become clear in the future. And, sometime in the 1840's John Henry Newman, for whom this Center is named, wrote his essay "On the Development of Christian Doctrine," saying much the same thing. There are theologians working now who may be developing our understanding of sexual morality along lines you would find more agreeable, Bryce, and you, too, Nan. Please, don't give up on us. Try to work with me, and I will do all I can to help."
"I appreciate the offer, Father. This time, I promise, I will come back. What you say gives me hope that I can eventually resolve another of the problems which are really bothering me. Is there anything you can recommend in the meanwhile?" Bryce asked.
"Here, take this copy of The Sexual Person by Salzman and Lawler," the chaplain said, handing Bryce a paperback book from the shelf behind him. "I can't say I agree with everything they say, but they are recognized theologians at a Catholic institution. I would appreciate getting that back, though. I find I get questions along these line quite frequently. Chapter seven deals specifically with homosexuality, and you may want to skim over the rest. I do have a suggestion about where not to go, if you will permit me that as well."
"Go ahead, Father," Bryce said.
"There is an author, an excommunicated priest, named John J. McNeill who has written extensively on this subject. Unfortunately, in my opinion, he has become obsessed and unbalanced in his approach, and has broken his ties with the Church."
"Unbalanced in what way, Father?" Bryce asked.
"Well, let me give you just one example. In one of his books, I believe it was his Taking a Chance on God, he wrote that there is no such thing as bad sex. This was in a context where he was defending what we might call `one night stands' and even anonymous sex with strangers," the priest explained.
"Eeeewwwww," Nan exclaimed.
"I agree, that's far beyond anything I could accept. I find balance attractive, and I'm very interested in pursuing anything which enhances the concept of the dignity of the individual," Bryce said. "I'll study your book, and I will bring it back," he added with a smile.
"Bryce, Nan, I'm glad you stopped by, but I'm afraid I do have another appointment in a few minutes. But I would welcome a return visit. That is, if you're not too stubborn, Bryce," Father Miller teased him.
"Don't believe everything Nan says," Bryce said with a guilty grin on his face.
"All right. My usual student helpers are all gone on break, but I do have my appointment book handy. Is there some time I can schedule you for a return visit, Bryce?"
Thinking over his usual commitments, Bryce decided that Mondays were his least crowded days, so sometime after three in the afternoon on a Monday. Father put him down for 3:30 to 4:30 on the first Monday back from break.
"Thank you, Father. I think I learned something, and I'm sure Bryce did as well," Nan said, "even if he is too stubborn to admit it."
"I made an appointment. What more do you want?" Bryce protested.
The two left the Newman Center, and were surprised that it was nearly four o'clock. Nan returned to her sorority house to do some reading. "Unlike you, I do have classes on Monday, and I need to prepare for them," she informed Bryce. Consequently, he returned to his room and began perusing the book by Salzman and Lawler presented to him by Father Miller. He liked what he read in Chapter 7, but knew even from a cursory examination he would have to look into the earlier chapters to understand all that was being said. Hence, he sat down at his computer, and ordered his own copy on line. When that came, he would return Father Miller's copy to him. That, and some studying of his own, took up several hours.
About 6:30 Damon stuck his head in, asking whether Bryce and Nan had plans for dinner. That got Bryce moving again, so he, Damon, Nan, and DuBois went off campus to their favorite small restaurant, where they spent a pleasant time. Although nothing really significant was discussed, Bryce had the feeling Nan was assessing everything said, and even composing her report to their mother in her head, as they talked. He knew his conversations with his mother over the next few weeks would be different than the carefully edited versions he had been having lately.
On Sunday morning, Bryce and Nan had breakfast, during which they discussed St. Boniface, both the pros and the cons. The only cons Bryce recognized were the limited appeal and occasionally objectionable content of the sermons. When they arrived in the parking lot, the bells were again pealing out over the neighborhood, which Nan also found attractive. They had just stepped out of the car when they were hailed by Mike Sandoval. He introduced Nan to his brother and sister only, as his mother insisted she had met Nan before Mike, and needed no introduction. They exchanged pleasantries on their way to the church, with Mrs. Sandoval recounting how the family had been attracted to this parish over twenty years ago, when she and her husband were first married, and looking for a place which suited them. She did mention that the previous pastor gave better sermons.
Inside, Nan was interested in the statues, stained glass windows, and other aids to prayer. She noticed the music immediately, and was not embarrassed to turn around so she could look up into the choir loft, where there was a magnificent pipe organ, being played expertly by the parish music director, and a full choir. This Sunday, there was also a violinist playing the prelude along with the organist. They were playing Gaetano Braga's La Serenata as adapted by Adolf Pollitzer. according to the order of worship hand-out. Bryce mentioned that he had learned that the music director was active in local musical circles, and often had friends of his add their talents to what was offered at Mass. It seems they appreciated the acoustics of the building, among other things, and were always willing to help in this way. That reminded him of Caroline Koehler, so he whispered to Nan, "Remind me to tell you about Caroline."
At communion time, Bryce returned to the pew and talked to the Jesus he had just received. Thank you. I know you're working through Nan to help me resolve all my problems. I'm not there yet, Lord. I still need your help. I'll always need your help. Help me, help my family, and help Damon. There was no thunder and lightening, but he felt he had been heard.
When Mass was over, Bryce and Nan again spoke with the Sandovals. As they stood in the parking area, Nan bluntly asked, "How can you stand the blah sermons like the one this morning? And, from what Bryce tells me, they sometimes are downright insulting."
Weakly, knowing it was useless, Bryce protested, "Nan!"
With a smile at Bryce, Mike responded. "I learned a long time ago to tune them out. I really like everything else about the parish, including most of the people here. And, if it gets too bad, I just walk out until after the sermon."
"I noticed you did that two weeks ago," Bryce said.
"Yes, I did. And I'll do it again if Father or one of the deacons get to be insulting. It's a damn shame we have to put up with such nonsense in an otherwise really great parish," Bryce answered.
"Don't get all hot under the collar," Kyle Sandoval admonished his brother. "You know we're there for you, too."
"I did see all of you leave," Bryce confirmed.
"That's what makes things like that bearable," Mike said, with an appreciative glance flshed towards his brother.
"Can we talk about that some time?" Bryce asked.
Mike smiled. "Yeah. Two more days before classes start up again. How about if I meet you in our Milton room tomorrow at, say, two o'clock?"
"Great. Thanks, Mike."
With that, they broke up, and the Winslow siblings set out for lunch. Damon was spending his Sunday morning with DuBois, continuing his boycott of things Catholic, so it was just the two of them. Over lunch, Bryce recounted his experiences with Caroline, not sparing himself as far as his abilities in karate were concerned. He figured Nan would worm it out of him anyway. He waxed eloquent over her Bourbon balls, saying they reminded him of their mother's at Christmas. Nan liked Bourbon balls as much as Bryce, and berated him for not saving her even one. She told Bryce that Caroline sounded like a good person, and he was not to be too stubborn to ask her for help when he needed it. They also discussed Nan's impressions of St. Boniface, which agreed with Bryce's. The church was beautiful, the music was magnificent, the liturgy was impressive, but the sermon (Deacon O'Malley this week) was blah.
Later that afternoon, Bryce drove Nan, Damon, DuBois, and himself out to the soup kitchen, where Deacon Jeffers supervised the proceedings as usual. He was grateful for their help, as he had been informed the previous week about most of the SAT brothers being away on fall break, and was short staffed. Nan was wonderful with the small children who came through the line. She obviously had no difficulty relating to the poor and blacks. Bryce admitted that he admired her more outgoing personality, which made exchanges like these so much easier, but it was simply not in him to be spontaneous like that.
As soon as they finished at the soup kitchen, Bryce drove Nan to the airport to catch her flight back to her school. Damon and DuBois had to go along whether they wanted or not, as there was no time to drop them off on campus. Nan barely made her flight, but kissed her brother and assured him everything would work out just fine. She reminded Damon that she expected to see him at Christmas or sooner, kissed both him and DuBois, and then was gone through the security gate. It had been quite a weekend.