Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction. I don't know any of the BSB. This is NOT TRUE. For those under age 18, please don't read on. I don't know the sexualities of Nick and Kevin from the BSB.
Also, it's about time I made a list of my faves. Of course, this isn't all of my faves, but these are the ones I remember now at the top of my head: Open Arms, Little White Lies, Any Path, Loving Nick, The Photograph, Mile High Meeting, Nick and the Altos, Four Doors, Perfect Couple, Because I Love You, First Anniversary. I know there are at least three more, but after working for 16 hours straight, I don't think I can recall them.
Nick gazed out from the restaurant that overlooked the beach, his eyes full of wonder. The restaurant was exquisite and the ambience soothing. Nick looked across to see his father staring at him.
Nick smiled shyly at his father for the second time that day. "What made you come all the way from California?" he began. He wasn't too curious though. Nothing his father did ever made sense to him. But he did it out of reverence. Funny. He sometimes didn't think that his father deserved his respect, but he did it anyways, mainly because the man had given him a home when he was a child.
"Can't I just visit you? You know, father and son bonding?" Randy answered his son's question. "I know, you find it odd, but . . . "
Nick quickly interrupted. "I don't question it. I was just . . . um . . . surprised." Nick stared at his plate, suddenly feeling bad for doubting his father's presence. "I guess I'm just dazed. Things have been pretty weird all week." Nick's voice was barely a whisper.
"Tell me about it," Randy said in a coaxing tone.
Nick gulped. "Well, I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been having some dreams . . . about . . . well, my childhood. I see all those men and I feel, I don't know. . . sort of cheap."
Randy looked at Nick with a stern face. "Now, Nick, we've gone through this. We've had rough times. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. We needed money. What you did was good. You were able to help me out and support our family. I mean, we're the men in the house. We had to be the ones to provide for the family. You don't have to feel bad because we were working to feed the family, right . . . son?" Randy smiled at Nick.
Nick smiled weakly. "I'm not doubting it. I guess, I've been reflecting lately and feel less worthy. I've been having problems dealing with . . . um . . . relationships lately and I guess it's because I feel like I sometimes don't deserve other people's love, mainly because I don't think the love that I have to offer is, well, chaste enough."
"Now, son, what has brought all this reflection? What happened?" Randy pried. This was getting more difficult than he thought. He tried to maintain a concerned look. Funny how young minds worked. Whenever they craved love, they would be so blind to everything else.
"Well, I . . . about three days ago . . . umm . . . someone asked me out," Nick wavered.
"Would that someone be Justin?" Randy smiled slyly at Nick.
Nick looked at him in shock. "Uh, yes." Nick's eyes widened in confusion.
"Well, I have a knack for those things you know." Randy winked. "So what did you say to him?"
"I. . . uh . . . told him that I wasn't ready because of what happened in the past," Nick replied honestly.
"You know why you said that Nick?" Randy asked.
Nick shook his head. "Maybe I'm not sure of myself. I feel like I don't deserve anybody." Nick's blue eyes were slightly moist. He looked down at his plate. "I need more time, I guess."
"No Nick. The thing is, you don't like Justin. That's why you're not ready. If you liked someone, you wouldn't hesitate like that."
"But I also did that to Lance," Nick suddenly blurted out.
Randy looked at Nick in surprise. "Lance asked you out, too?"
Nick turned his head to avert Randy's piercing eyes. "He . . . he kinda asked me out."
"And did you say yes?" Randy's voice was anxious, and suddenly, Nick felt weird confiding in his father. Something about the man didn't sound right.
"Uh, I . . . " Nick didn't know what to say. The way his father talked was not so fatherly at all. It was as if his father wanted him to say no.
Randy pressed on. "Did you say yes?"
"Um, I said no," Nick finally answered, flustered. "I didn't think I was ready for him."
"Good," Randy responded to Nick's surprise. "I mean, you shouldn't rush into things that need time."
Nick gazed into his father's eyes and sighed. "Yeah, I guess I'm not ready. I think I just need to be alone for some time."
"Yeah, Nick. You're too young. How old are you? 20? You can't commit yet. You must give yourself some peace. Relationships can be poison. They drain your energy and your emotions. I have this feeling that Lance and Justin aren't in it for your love. Something tells me that they're in it for the, forgive me for saying this, 'pleasures' that you can provide them. I mean, look at you. You're good-looking and all, you have to be careful. They could be only seeking the bodily gratifications." Randy explained.
Nick sighed. "Yeah, I guess." Finally, dinner arrived and Nick stared at his plate, playing with his fork. As troubling as his father's words were, he couldn't help but feel that there was some truth to them. Besides, what else could he offer Justin or Lance but himself. That made him even more resolved to not start a relationship with either of them. He didn't think there was more to offer than his body. His mind started to cloud as the rest of the evening carried on slowly. Thoughts of making himself worthy in Lance's eyes were beginning to be shadowed by images of loneliness. He didn't want to be just a body. He needed time to think things over. He needed a new beginning. He needed to wash away the past.
Nick was so overwhelmed in his own world that he failed to notice the little smile that formed on his father's lips. Randy took one look at the youth and knew that he had achieved the first step. It wasn't too difficult. Nick was too naive, too trustworthy. Sometimes, he liked that about the boy. Of all the people he met, Nick was definitely the purest, no matter what happened in the past. It wasn't his acts, but rather his mind that was chaste, and Randy knew that no matter what he did to the boy, Nick's heart would remain chaste. That was why he didn't have too much guilt doing what he did to the boy, no matter how pained Nick was internally. Besides, no physical harm was done. What was there to worry about?
"So . . . what are we here for?" Brian demanded. He hated this beating around the bush. He wanted to go see Nick rather than spend his time avoiding eye contact with Lance and Justin.
"Patience!" Lance said, agitated. He had thought hard about what to tell Brian. Originally, he didn't think of including Justin in this issue, but Justin was a close friend and would definitely vouch for his integrity. So there they were, Brian, Justin and Lance--all crouched in Lance's room, each wondering where all this was heading. There was no other way. He had to let Brian know about Nick's past. He didn't know why. It wasn't that he wanted Brian to willingly drop out of the race, or was it? He knew that Brian had integrity and would probably not accept Nick's past if he were to know. Lance, himself could barely accept Nick's past. But he thought about their little sexual act and the desire welled in him again. He wanted Nick. He wanted Nick desperately. Once he gained enough confidence, he began. "Well, I had a little talk with Nick today."
Brian and Justin perked up. Both were equally alarmed. Justin was more worried whereas Brian became rather upset.
"And how did you have a private conversation with him unless you snuck out!" Brian pressed on.
"That's not the point," Lance continued. He had to continue. He must press on. He's working for his future. "The point is that he revealed to me something which I think is pretty interesting."
Justin looked at Lance with a little anxiety. "And what did he tell you?" Justin asked eagerly.
Brian remained silent, waiting.
Now or never, Lance encouraged himself. Be direct. Don't stumble. Don't avert Brian's gaze. "He used to be paid for sexual favors," Lance responded slowly, enunciating each syllable.
"What?!!!" Brian instantly responded. "You're making this up. He's not like that. He doesn't do that kind of stuff."
"That's right. I don't believe it either," Justin agreed. "Lance, we know that you like him, but you don't have to be that underhanded. I'm not going to back off because of what you just said!" Justin glared at Lance.
Lance and Brian looked at shock at Justin at what Justin just said. Did he just admit to loving Nick? "Don't tell us you're also in love with . . . "
Justin gazed at them with confidence. "Look, I know what you two have in mind, and I just want to say that all is fair in love and war. It seems that all three of us have a common goal and I'll tell you guys beforehand that I'm not backing away just because you guys are in the race. I mean he's not your boyfriend yet so I think that I'm just as qualified to be in this race. I don't have a problem, and I'm not afraid of a little competition."
Brian and Lance looked shocked at Justin's speech, finally realizing how complicated the situation was getting. Brian was the first to respond. "Look, Justin, I'm okay. It's just that, I feel we're kind of pushing Nick too hard. I for one don't think that he's comfortable with all of us chasing him like this. I think we need to do things less viciously."
Lance gazed at Brian. "I didn't think we imposed ourselves on him," he whispered. "I mean, all we did was show him love. I guess, I never meant to hurt him. But I'm not kidding when I said that he had actually done sexual favors. He said that to me himself today. If you guys don't believe me, ask him yourself. I just wanted to let you guys know what the whole package is about and who you're dealing with."
Justin glanced at Lance. "I know, Scoop. I know you mean well. It's just that this little piece of information is so odd. It's totally not Nick at all. I couldn't picture him like that."
Lance looked down guiltily. Images of that day's lustful encounter replayed in his mind. "I never thought I could picture Nick like that, but this morning, we . . . um . . . did it." Lance mumbled the last words.
"You what?!!!!" Brian and Justin gazed in shock for the umpteenth time that day.
Lance felt another surge of confidence. "I kissed him and one thing led to the next and he kissed me back and we just sort of went wild and did the whole shebang," Lance said sheepishly.
Brian shook his head in wonder. "I . . . I . . . don't know what to say. So is he your, you know, now?"
Lance shook his head sadly. "I guess he wasn't ready. At least, that was what he told me."
Brian couldn't take it anymore. Before he heard Lance's last words, he was out the door, back to his home where he could grieve on the sudden revelation. It was too much to bear.
Justin actually stayed behind to finish off the conversation with Lance. "So are you saying that Nick is your territory and warning me and Brian not to step on your turf?" Even though his voice was calm, his heart was burning in pain. Before Lance replied, he walked out the door, leaving a guilt-stricken Lance behind.
The next day was tortuous for everyone. They were all getting ready for the upcoming BSB/Nsync concert and all were supposed to meet at the dance studio to start on their new routines. All ten guys strolled into the dance studio, putting the past few days behind them. All were too consumed in their own world to notice what the others were feeling or doing.
Nick was the first to arrive, hoping that the day would pass by with little discomfort. He still didn't know how to act around Lance. He ached for his love, but then, didn't feel that he was confident enough to return it. To his dismay, Lance was the second one to arrive, and immediately upon seeing Nick, Lance walked the other way. Nick spent the rest of the five minutes sitting in the corner, eyes glued to the floor. Just when he thought the tension was diminishing, Brian came in. Nick smiled when he saw Brian, but was totally crushed when Brian too gave him the cold shoulder. Brian didn't even answer to his greeting.
And just when Nick thought he couldn't take it anymore, Justin entered the dance studio. Nick quickly casted a surreptitious glance at his admirer only to be shocked a third time by the coldness in Justin's actions.
They knew! They had to know. Not that Nick blamed Lance. He was just hurt that they were so bothered by his past, which made him so much surer that he had nothing to offer but his body. That thought pierced his heart as he suddenly felt his emotions deadening. It was a strange and scary feeling, but the more time spent being ignored by them, the colder he felt inside. It was at that moment that he realized that the past was a permanent scar. There was nothing he could do to erase it. There was nothing he could do to change it. All the things he did these past few years--the abstinence from sex, his full concentration on music--neither had done anything for him.
He didn't regret telling Lance. He would probably have lived in more discomfort not telling Lance the truth. But his situation now hurt equally as much.
His thoughts then drifted to Justin. Why did things have to be so complicated? He couldn't return Justin's love either. What was wrong with him? Why did the beings above toy with him like this? Had Justin been as aggressive as Lance, would he have yielded to Justin as well? Did he actually love Lance or was he yearning the sex more? His mind became a whirl of hypotheses.
Why? Justin was equally as attractive as Lance. He would respond to Justin. He knew it. If Justin just pushed him onto the bed, he would have yielded without a second thought. But Justin was more thoughtful and didn't push it.
And then there was Brian. With Brian, everything was ambiguous. There would be times when Nick would notice Brian being very loving in not just a brotherly way. Whenever they shared a hotel room, Brian would make sure that Nick had enough to eat. Whenever they were done after a long concert, Brian would always urge him to take a shower first while he himself went out to seek food for Nick. And whenever Nick was sick, Brian would never leave the hotel room. When all the other guys went out, Brian willingly stayed at the hotel with Nick and just lounge around.
And there were littler things. Brian would pay attention to the littlest of things. Like whenever Nick wanted something to drink, Brian would buy him his favorite Barg's Root Beer rather than Sprecher's. Brian knew those little things that no one else, including his mother, knew.
The way Brian acted was so warm and cozy, as if they were a couple. And there was that one time when Brian was murmuring "Nick" in his sleep.
But if Brian liked him, why come, after so many opportunities, he did not approach Nick and profess his love. Justin did it. Lance did it. But why did Brian not? Brian knew he was gay. In fact, he tried at length to verify that, Nick thought, slightly amused. But why go through all that trouble to bring Nick out of the closet and then not take the next step and ask him out?
Everything was getting too complicated. The past week was too good to be true, he thought dejectedly as he casted a few more glances in their direction only to see the three of them talking merrily to the other band members.
To his relief, he heard his cell phone go off, breaking him away from his painful thoughts. "Yes, Nick speaking?" he answered.
"Hi son!" his father's cheerful voice rang through.
"Hi dad. What's up?" Nick replied, happy that someone wanted to talk to him.
"Are you free tonight?" Randy asked Nick enthusiastically.
Nick had to think. Usually, the guys would want to go out and eat dinner together after a long day's work at the dance studio, but judging from the others' indifference to him, they might appreciate it better if he hadn't gone. Besides, he had a reason. It's not every day that his father is in town. In fact, his father was the only one that never visited him these past six years.
"Yes, I'm free."
"Good. I was thinking if you wanted to go out with me. You know, more father and son bonding. What do you say?"
"I'd love to."
"All right then. When you're done, give me a call and I'll pick you up, okay?"
"Actually," Nick replied, "I brought my car here. Why don't I pick you up."
"No. No," his father insisted. "You should rest. We'll leave your car there and I'll find some way to pick you up, okay?"
"But you don't have a car," Nick reasoned.
"I'll find one. Bye son." Randy hung up before Nick had the chance to react. Nick sighed. Just like his father to take things into his own hands again. Not once had he given Nick the choice. He turned off his cell phone and placed it into his sports bag. He then took off his sweat shirt and headed towards the center of the studio where Fatima was getting ready.
He tried to brush away the sadness and get through the day. It wasn't so hard. He had so many days in his childhood where he just zoned out and let others did as they wished to him. Now was no different. All he needed was to zone out the other guys' attitudes towards him.
To his relief, practice went by swiftly. He was making less mistakes than usual, and he found it easier to focus on just the routine. Fatima spent less time on him than on the others, which was a good sign. By the end of the day, all the guys hit the shower except Nick. Even though he was successful at ignoring everything that went on, he became more conscious about himself. He didn't want to shower among all the others even though they had separate stalls. He felt so dirty.
While they went ahead and showered and made plans for the night, he called his father to let him know that he was ready, but that he needed to go home to shower. To his dismay, his father would have none of it. "Nick, you stay there and shower. I already have everything planned. Everything is set. All you need to do is clean up and dress in something nice and we're all set to go, okay?"
Finally, too tired to argue, Nick relinquished. "Okay," he whispered. His father then hung up the phone. Nick sighed and gathered his clothes and towel and headed for the shower, only to see the other guys head out of the shower, eagerly discussing about that night.
"Hey, Nick," AJ yelled. "We're going to eat and then head off to the clubs tonight."
Nick smiled at AJ. "Sorry, Aje, but my father's in town and I just wanted to spend some time with him." All the while Nick said this, he didn't dare look at Lance, Brian or Justin. He was afraid to see the disgust in their eyes.
The other guys began filing past him, obviously buying into his excuse. He continued into the locker room when he felt an arm tug on his. He looked around to see Kevin. "Be careful then, Nick," Kevin whispered into his ears. "You look a little pale. Get some rest tonight, okay? You'll need it for tomorrow." With that, Kevin winked at him and released his arm. Nick smiled, despite himself.
He was so busy focusing on getting into the locker room that he failed to notice Brian, Lance and Justin all staring at him, each consumed in their own worlds.