Disclaimer: This story is not true. I do not know the guys from *NSYNC. This did NOT happen. Got that? And this story can be a little dark. I am warning you. If you like happy endings and no tears, then this story isn't for you. Under 18 years old? Don't read this. If you do, don't blame me for any trouble u run into. Homophobic? LEAVE. This isn't for you. What are u even doing at Nifty???
This is my first attempt at a story for Nifty. Uh...hope you like it. Let me know. Soul_of_the_night@hotmail.com **************************************************************************
^^ JC's Point Of Veiw ^^
Damn! I hated it when they saw me cry. I need to be the strong one. I'd always been the strong one. Lately, it seems that I can't keep up the act. I know what you must be thinking. 'How hard is it to fake a smile? To fake happiness?' The truth is, it is very hard to do. I've been acting, hiding for over a year now. In time, something had to break. I guess this time, I had to be the one to take the fall. It's my own damn fault though. My own fucking fault.
I really had been pushing them all away. Joey was right. But I don't mean to. I just can't deal with the hate I know they'd feel for me if they knew. They can't know. I can't deal with that right now. I can't let them know. Everything hit me all at once. When Blake and I broke up, I knew my life was over. I just KNEW it. And that was when I began to push them away from me.
Joey had picked me up and carried me back into the main room. Why can't he just understand that I need to be alone sometimes? Why does he have to care so much? They all care. They wouldn't if they knew.
"Josh? Talk to me, man." Joey requested. I barely managed to mutter "No" in reply. Joey set me down and gave me a look I didn't really understand. It seemed like a mix of confusion, slight anger, and hurt. Fuck. I had hurt him. I hurt him. I don't want to hurt any of them. Not Justin, not Chris, not Lance, and especially not Joey. Fuck. I hate this. If I hide it, I hurt them but if I were to tell them, then everything would change. Lance and Justin would never look at me the same. They were both very into religion. And their religions said that I was a sinner. Chris made so many jokes about people like me. I doubt he'd ever be able to accept one of his bandmates being gay. And Joey...oh God, Joey would just walk away. He laughed at the same jokes that Chris did. I think I'd manage to deal with hate from Justin, Lance, and Chris but Joey...I couldn't handle it if Joey hated me.
But I am hurting them all. I don't want to deal with that either. I don't want to hurt them. Fine. I'll tell them. I can do this. Maybe. Justin don't look at me like that. Ugh. Everyone is staring at me. Ok, I can do this. I can. Or maybe not. Now Joey looks scared. What? Does he know what I am feeling or something? I can't do this. I won't.
"Jace, just tell us. Let it out." Justin spoke up. Did he know? I shook my head. I can NOT do this! Justin pulled me into a hug and I barely heard him whisper, "We will never stop loving you. Just say it." He did know. He had to. But...how? I nodded. Fine. I'll say it, Just. But be careful what you wish for.
"Guys, can you all sit down. I have to tell you something." Oh I can't believe I am gonna do this. I looked around. Chris was biting his finger nails. He only did that when he was nervous. Lance had a blank expression on his face. I couldn't read his emotions. But he kept clenching his fists. Justin had a small, in a way encouraging smile on his face. And Joey was chewing on his bottom lip. He did that when he was thinking. Here goes. I can do this.
"Guys, this may come as a shock to you but I'm...I'm..." Fuck. I can't do this. I wanted to scream. This was so frustrating. I can't stand this anymore! "I'm gay!" I shouted in anger before I broke down, hopefully for the last time. I hate crying. Hate it. Hate. Oh no. What must they all think now. I won't look at them. Won't look up. Too late. Chris looked so confused. Chris very rarely looked like that. He didn't let things get to him. Justin still had that little smile on his face. Lance seemed happy as well. He wasn't really smiling but you could see in his eyes that he wasn't at all upset. In fact, it was he that first came over and hugged me. Then Justin. Chris and Joey didn't move. I couldn't read Joey's expression. He just sat there. Shocked, maybe. I don't know.
Chris sighed and walked over to me. He sat down beside me and put his arm over my shoulders. "Still best friends?" I asked weakly. He just nodded and pulled me a little closer to him. I rested my head on his shoulder, terrified by the lack of response from Joey. Chris whispered to me. "You got guts. I couldn't have done it. And you're still my best friend. Ok?" I barely nodded. C'mon, Joe. Do something. Say something. Anything. Yell that you hate me. Say that you want me out of the group. But don't just sit there. I need to know how you feel.
Lance spoke up. "Joey?" Joey didn't say anything. "Joey?" Lance asked again. "Aren't you going to say something?" Joey stood up and left the room. Damn. He hates me. I knew it. I won't cry anymore. He hates me. I won't let it hurt. He hates me. But I won't hurt. I give up. I quit...
^^^ Christopher's point of veiw ^^^
JC slumped against me. "Don't worry about Joey. He just needs time." I tried to assure JC. It didn't seem to work. He didn't seem to hear me. I hugged him once more then let him lay back on the bed. I motioned for Justin and Lance to follow me. We were gonna have a little talk with Joey. He had to know how scared JC must have been. And still, Joey turned away from Josh. And as far as I could tell, that was the worst thing he could have done.
We got to the 'fight' room as we all called it. It was just a single room. A regular hotel room. We only had it in case one of us needed to get away from our room mate for a night or two. I just had a feeling that Joey would be in that room.
I knocked on the door. Looking around me,I noticed that I wasn't the only one who felt confused. Lance looked as if he was deep in thought. Justin kept pulling on the corner of his shirt, obviously nervous but also seeming angry. I was just down right confused.We all knew Joey was head over heels in love but...he sure didn't act like it when JC came out.
Joey finally opened the door and Justin, Lance and I all audibly gasped at the sight of him. His left hand was bleeding bad, his shirt was ripped and his eyes were, for once, absent of emotion. I think that was what scared me the most. His eyes were usually so expressive. I mean, you could just always tell what he was thinking. Always. But not now. Damn, that scared the hell out of me. I just didn't know what to think. But I did know that Joey's hand was bleeding all over the place.
I just shook my head and led him toward the bathroom. I froze when I saw the door. I had known that Joey's hand was cut but I almost got sick when I saw the bloody hand print on the door. It reminded me of a bad horror flick. I did my best to shake myself out of it. I pushed the door open and then understood. The mirror was shattered. Joey punched the mirror until it broke. Smart move, Joe. I glanced around.
The shower curtain was lying in the tub. There was blood all over the tiles of the floor. The towels that had once been neatly stacked on top of a shelf were scattered around on the floor. Joey had really made a mess. Man. What would posses a guy like our Joey to do something like this? Joey was always smiling. Always joking with us. When one of us were down, he was the first to try and help. Now he needed help.
Justin and Lance were standing in the doorway, waiting, I imagine, for Joey to say something. I think all of us were waiting to hear his explanation. Justin didn't seem at all angry anymore. But I don't think he'd been mad at Joey anyway. He seemed to understand Joey's actions. Justin was gifted. I don't know how else to put it. Justin was, I guess, kind of psychic. He knew what people were thinking sometimes. He felt what they felt. Maybe he was just empathic. I don't know. But he was gifted.
Lance seemed worried. You could tell he had a lot on his mind. He kept clenching his fists. If I knew him, he was torn between his feelings about Joey and his worries about what this would do to our little team. And thats what we were and still are to this day. A team. Lance, Justin, and I were all worried for Joe and JC. They were our friends. How could we not be worried? But we were also worried about what this would do to our bond as friends. Brothers even. We had no way of knowing if this would tear apart our team. And if this broke the team, it would also break our hearts. These guys were all my closest friends. I didn't want to lose that. None of us did.
I helped Joey bandage up the many tiny cuts on his hand. It wasn't as bad as it had looked. Justin and Lance moved away from the door as I led Joey back into the main room. I nodded toward the bed and Joey sat down. Lance sat down beside him on the left while Justin sat on his right. I just knelt down in front of him and looked him in the eyes. He looked terrible. The emotion had returned to his eyes. And he looked so...child-like, in a way. Scared. And ashamed. None of us needed to be mad at him. He was mad enough at himself. He'd sure punished himself for it.
"Joe, what happened? What's wrong?" As long as I'd known him, I'd never seen him look so beaten. I'd never seen him without a pleasent gleam in his eyes. He didn't say anything for the longest time. I thought, 'this is bad. We've been friends for a long time. He never hid things before.' But finally he spoke up.
"I messed up bad. I can't be with him. Even if I hadn't left that room. There is still no way. I won't be the downfall of this group." I didn't understand. What was he so afraid of? I asked him just that. He sighed a slow, sad sigh. "Chris, it's not that simple. I don't know if you thought about it, but what would it do to our group if word got out that two of us are gay? I mean, be realistic. It would be over. Just let it go, ok? I don't want to think about this any more tonight."
'Three of us', I thought. He was in love with JC but was willing to 'just let it go'? Oh hell no. I wasn't about to let him do that. No fucking way. Best friends can live through just about anything. Did he plan to let our fame get in the way of his love for JC? Hell no. I wouldn't let him do that. Not this time. He always avoided it when something confused him. Not this time.
"Dammit, Joe! You can't hide from everything that you are unsure of! Are you gonna let JC go just because you're too scared to take a chance? Don't be so freaking cowardly! I am sorry I sound cold but I am sick and tired of watching you run away from situations that are 'too hard' or 'too confusing'. Face it! Face JC! Tell him how much you love him! He's the only one in this group that doesn't know it! Take a chance, Joe! Stop running. We're a team. You don't just run away from your team. Sometimes, you just can't run away. Now, c'mon, Joe. Go tell JC. Stop hiding. Stop running. Just say the words."
Joey blinked up at me, the gleam returning to his eyes. "Since when did you do inspirational speaking?" He was laughing. I didn't get this particular joke. What was so damn funny? Justin and Joey were rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. I looked at Lance with questioning eyes. He just smirked. What? I didn't get it.
"Chrissy, you have a lot to learn." Lance said. Joey and Justin finally shut up. "Well, are you gonna tell him?" I asked impatiently. I still didn't see what was so funny. Joey nodded with a genuine smile on his face. I was glad to see that I had at least cheered him up a bit. But I still didn't get why they had all been laughing. On the walk back toward JC's room, I asked them exactly that.
"Chris, man, you're little speach was motivating but you really didn't need to be so dramatic." Joey laughed. Yeah yeah. I get it now. Only now, I didn't want it. We knocked on the door to JC's room but he didn't answer. Lance had an extra key to every one of our rooms. Thank god. We walked into the room and Joey sighed heavily. Was that a bad sign? "You ready for this, man?" I asked him. I knew it had to be a big step for him. He just nodded. I guess you're never really ready when it comes to telling a friend that you've fallen in love with them.
Justin, Lance, and I stayed near the door-way while Joey approached the bed where JC seemed to be sleeping. This time, Joey would have to find it in himself not to turn away. Not to run. This time, I wouldn't let him run. Because sometimes, you just can't run away. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________
Yeah. I know. Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. Sorry I didn't answer any of the emails I was sent. YET. I plan to write back to all of you that emailed me. Thank you so much. Some serious stuff happened in the last few days and this morning, reading over those emails really did help me a lot. I am really sorry for the delay. The next chapter might be a while too. I will try to get it out within the next week. I've just been a mess lately. If the next chapter is not posted soon, feel free to email me and yell about how I need to finish the chapter. Just keep at me if I don't get the chapter out soon enough. Anyhow, you know the addy, email me if you got any questions, suggestions, flames, or anything else.
soul_of_the_night@hotmail.com