Chapter 7 -- Fear and Loving in Las Vegas
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I slept until noon, missing my morning Chemistry class. I showered and rushed to catch my afternoon Sociology class. I felt a little woozy from yesterday and my late-night tryst with the old cowboy. My mind had a lot of gaps from yesterday. I remembered having a party at our apartment and watching the football game, but my next memory was winding up at Caesar's Palace somehow, eating at the coffee shop and realizing I had no wallet or money, and then "winning the bet" with the old cowboy. After class I sought out Mike, who was also in my Chemistry class, to see if I could borrow his notes. I caught up with him outside.
"Hey Mike!" I called out. "Hey, wait up, man?"
Mike whirled around to look at me, with an angry glare on his face. "Stay the fuck away from me, man!"
"Whaaat?" I stuttered in surprise. He seemed really pissed at me. "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" I asked anxiously.
Mike looked around nervously as if to see if anyone was watching us. "Yesterday was a one-time shot, man!" he whispered hoarsely, "I'm straight".
"Yesterday?" repeated, totally confused. "I saw you yesterday? What happened?"
Mike stared at me intently. "You really don't remember?" he questioned. "You really don't remember anything?"
"Remember what! What the fuck happened? I . . . I had a really weird day yesterday. I remember we had some guys over to watch the football game, and the game started, and the next thing it was nighttime and I had ended up at Caesar's Palace. Did I get really drunk or something?"
Mike looked around anxiously. "Look, walk with me this way." I followed him across the commons. "Look, man" he began, as he continued to look about anxiously. "From what I hear, someone slipped you a drug in your drink."
"A drug! Did someone slip me a drug? Fuck! What kind of drug?" I demanded to know in a mixture of fear and rising anger.
"A roofie" he replied. "You know, that date rape drug? I guess it releases all your inhibitions, and you don't remember anything afterward." He looked around again. "Dude, by the time I got there, you were the party entertainment."
"What did I do?"
Mike looked around and then exhaled a short laugh. "Dude, you were begging to chow down on any dude's dick who would give it to you." The blood drained from my face. "You were wild, man! You were saying shit like "The more dick I get, the more dick I want!" You even tried to chow down on my dick right there in the living room in front of everyone else! We went back to your room and you practically inhaled my dick down your throat, and then begged me to fuck you! And dude, you'd already taken a bunch of dudes up your ass; you were all slimy and loose inside."
"You fucked me?" I asked in surprise, and dread.
Mike looked around quickly. "Ssssh! Keep it down, man! Look, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not . . . that . . . way. I'm not into that shit! It's . . just, well, everyone else was giving it to you . . . and, I was horny and shit. And it's not like it was rape or anything -- you were begging for it, begging for me and everyone else to give it to you."
"It kind of seems like rape to me when I can't remember anything, and someone slipped me a fucking roofie" I responded angrily. "Do you know who slipped me the roofie?"
"No!" Mike quickly denied. "I don't know anything about it; I don't know who slipped you the roofie." He looked about again. "But, dude -- it's getting around. One of the guys who was there is spreading it around that you're gay and shit, and a total slut for dick. I can't hang around you anymore, man. I . . I don't want people to get the wrong idea."
I stopped walking abruptly. "Fine" I quietly said. "No problem, man. I understand. Thanks for telling me, though - about someone slipping me a roofie. It explains a lot, of why I can't remember anything." "Sure, man" Mike replied and waked away briskly.
I walked around campus in a daze, thinking about what Mike had told me, trying to remember more details of what happened, but it was all still a big hole in my memory. "I'm fucked, I'm fucked" I thought. "I tried to suck off Mike in the living room, in front of everyone else? I can't believe I would do something like that! Is there something about me I don't know about, or understand? Am I just a slut for cock like Duke said I was? Well, I did sell my ass last night, didn't I? Sold my ass to that old cowboy for money, just like a low-life faggot call boy. I guess that's all that I really am."
When I got home to the apartment, Scott came running out of his room to meet me. "Jerry!" he practically shouted as he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Are you OK, man?"
"Yeah, yeah" I assured him. "I'm fine, man."
"Where did you go last night, man?" he asked with concern. "I waited up half the night and you didn't come home. Colin wouldn't tell me where he dropped you off, he's pissed off at me. When I got up and went to class I looked in and saw you were sleeping. Then when I came home you were gone, and. . . . Well, I've been so worried about you, man!"
"I'm fine, I'm fine, man" I repeated, brushing his hand off my shoulder. "I don't remember how I got there, but I ended up at Caesar's Palace, and I . . . Well, I hung out there until pretty late." I looked Scott evenly in the eye. "I don't remember shit, but I hear we had a party yesterday, and I got a little wild?"
"You don't remember?" Scott repeated, peering into my eyes questioningly. "Can't remember shit" I assured him. "I mean, I remember getting ready for the football party. Colin and me were in the kitchen making snacks and his punch. A couple of guys came by. The game started. Colin kept getting me drinks of punch. The next thing I remember was night and I was at Caesar's Palace. But" I continued with a sarcastic smile, "I hear I put on quite a show."
Scott shook his head sadly. "Man, you were fucking wild! You totally outted yourself. You kept asking me to fuck you -- in front of everyone else. You started to go down on one guy right here in the living room, in front of everyone else, until we made you guys go back to your room. I got there late, and by then a couple of guys had already fucked you, and you were headed out toward the living room looking for more, totally fucking nude. I had to grab you and push you back into your room and make you put some clothes on."
I shook my head. "Sorry, man. I guess I fucked up." I said sadly. I looked at Scott. "I hear someone slipped me a roofie. I guess those things really do `release' your inhibitions". I shook my head sadly and looked at the floor. "I didn't realize I was such a fucking slut." I looked up at Scott. "Do you have any idea who slipped me that roofie?"
Scott hesitated, looking down at his feet. "Yeah, I do. It was Colin". "Colin! Why would he do something like that to me?". "Do you know a guy named Duke?". "Duke?" I thought, "Oh yeah, the hairy legs guy". "Yeah, I know him". Scott sighed. "Well apparently, he's friends with Colin. Um, did you go to class one day with a dildo up your ass?". My face reddened. "Yeah. I, I dunno what came over me that morning, I guess I was just feeling a little wild and reckless". "Well, Duke told Colin about that. And told him that you invited him over to our place to fuck you. That's what seemed to have set Colin off and made him wonder how many other guys you've been bringing over to our place to hook up with them".
Scott looked intently into my eyes. "Well, did you? Did you bring other guys to our place?". I looked down at my feet. "No, only Duke. Sitting on that hard wooden seat in class with that damn dildo up my ass made me need it bad. And Duke knew that and took advantage of it. Things I did with other guys were somewhere else". "Well, I guess Colin didn't realize that you were. . . so promiscuous. He seemed to think we were in some kind of throuple". "A throuple?" I repeated. "A threesome, a sexual relationship between three people. He told me he knew that we had a regular thing going. He saw us going at it that first night I got you to let me do it to you, and then caught us a couple of times after that when he came early and was quiet so we wouldn't hear him. What I didn't know, until he told me yesterday, was that you and Colin also had a regular thing going on". My face turned red in embarrassment. "Um, yeah" I confessed. "That very next night after he caught us going at it, he made me blow him. And, then it turned into a regular thing on Monday nights, when you were away at practice, with him fucking me. I'm so sorry, he made me swear that I'd never tell you".
Scott nodded. "Yeah, that's Colin. Well, when he found that you were, um, getting together with other guys here in our place it made him, well, jealous, I guess". "Jealous?" I repeated. Scott sighed. "Maybe jealous' isn't the right word. Resentful? We've been friends for a long time, and, um, we used to mess around with each other. We'd have sleepovers and play around with each other. My attitude was cool', this is fun. But we stopped messing around with each other when I started dating girls in high school. But I think deep down he has a thing for me, while I just think of him as a bro. But his way of dealing with his feelings for me was for us to be fucking the same guy - you. A throuple. He even told me he'd been thinking about suggesting a three-way, us fucking you at the same time. And when he found out that you were fucking around with other guys he lost it. He slipped you that roofie as some kind of revenge for you fucking around on us".
"I'm so sorry" Jerry began, "I fucked things up, I always fuck things up". "No!" Scott said forcefully. "You didn't fuck things up, Colin did. You were just dealing with the realization that you were gay, and naturally were exploring new things, finding out what and who you liked. It was Colin who fucked things up because we're no longer bros because of what he did to you. It made me realize what a complete asshole he can be. I told him that, and I told him that I'd never forgive him for what he did to you, slipping you that roofie. I told him we're not bros anymore, and I'm moving out, I'll find someplace else to stay. And I strongly suggest you move out too, you can't trust Colin".
I considered it for a moment. "Yeah, I think it's best if I move out. I've been thinking I should get a place of my own. I mean, with Colin being such an asshole and everything. It's what I want, too. I want a place of my own, so I can be free to be the fag that I am."
"Don't you call yourself a `fag' ever again" Scott scolded. That's what ignorant, bigoted people call it. You're a gay man, with good reason to be proud of who you are: You're smart, honest, hardworking, and so good-hearted. You deserve to find a guy who loves you exactly for who you are, and he deserves you to love him back. And maybe lay off that promiscuous stuff?". He kissed me lightly on the forehead.
My eyes began to moisten. "Thanks, Scott. Thanks for being such a good friend, the one friend I can trust. Well, I've got some things to take care of", I said as I turned to go to my room. "Uh, Jerry?" Scott called out. I turned back to face him. "Yeah?"
"Uh, well, there's something else you need to know" Scott began, looking very uncomfortable. He looked down to the floor. "Uh, well, I guess you'll be receiving an official notice' and shit, but . . . Well, Coach told me to tell you you're out, you're off the team as sports medical assistant. Said he couldn't allow someone who is openly homosexual' to have `intimate contact' with his team."
"What!" I almost shouted. "Um" Scott began, "Apparently someone is spreading it around that you're gay and about some of the things you've been doing. And it got back to Coach. My guess is that it's Duke asshole. I'm so sorry".
"No problem" I assured him. "You're right, it was probably Duke who's blabbing about it. He has a real ego problem; he made me tell him how bad I needed it for him to fuck me. After we fucked, I told him off, told him what a condescending asshole he was and to get the fuck out. So, he's getting even by blabbing about what I did with him, and all the things I did after Colin slipped me that roofie". Scott shook his head. "Yeah, he came across as a real asshole. Don't do anything with him again. You don't need anything from him, except some respect". I smiled. "Well, I ran into Mike, and he was even afraid to be seen with me. He told me that it's getting around that I'm a big fucking homo, so I'm sure no one on the team would want me giving them a message, or me being around them in the locker room." I shrugged my shoulders. "No problem. Tell Coach that I'll clean my things out in the morning, when no one is around for me to embarrass them."
"Um, Jerry?" Scott said quickly, "Why don't we get a place together?". "Whaat? Why would in the hell would you would you want to get a place with me? Wouldn't you worry about what your teammates and friends would say about you living with a fag . . . um, with a gay guy?". Scott smiled. "No, I don't give a shit about what anyone might say or think". I looked into his eyes, with a confused expression. He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, and then on my mouth, and put his arms around me. "Pay closer attention, dude. What I'm trying to tell you, in my own fucked up way, is that I'm in love with you". I pushed him back and looked into his eyes and saw that it was so. "I've been thinking so much about you. I mean, yeah, I love what we do in bed, but there's so much more than that. You're the most decent, honest, and . . . kind, considerate guy I've ever met, and I love just being with you. And what Colin did to you made me so angry that it finally hit me: I realized that I was in love with you. I broke it off with Brynda, you're the only one I want to be with. I was planning on telling you that last night, after the football game. I planned on coming into your room and tell you I had broken it off with Brynda because I had realized -- no, finally admitted it to myself -- that I had fallen in love with you. And I was going to ask you if I could spend the night with you, in your bed. We've never got to do that". "Well, you did fall asleep a couple of times" Chad reminded him, "and I really liked that. I'd kiss you lightly, so I didn't wake you up. And that's when I realized I loved you. And I'd be so sad to wake up and find you gone". Scott kissed me. "Well, I want to sleep with you every night, and you'll never find me gone again. I want to be your boyfriend, or whatever the hell we want to call it. And I want us to go steady". "Steady?" I questioned. "Yeah, steady. No more of that promiscuous crap, I want you all to myself, and you get me all to yourself, if you'll have me".
I couldn't hold back as the tears began to flow. Scott put his arms around me, pulled me into him, and held me tightly. "It's okay, dude, everything will be OK". "I can't help it. When I realized that I had fallen in love with you, it really pissed me off". "It pissed you off?" Scott questioned. "Yeah, it pissed me off, I felt like life had cheated me. I knew I had fallen for you, but I thought I was just a piece of ass to you. And to everyone else. Colin made it quite clear that was all I was to him. That Duke guy made that clear. So, I thought that accepting that I was gay, accepting that I was queer, meant that was all I was to everyone. To guys who were into other guys, I was just a piece of ass. To straight guys, I was just something to make fun of, to laugh at. It meant that I didn't get to have regular friends. It meant that being gay all I got was a lonely life, never getting to love someone, and all I would ever get was random sex with other guys. So, that's what I've been doing.
Scott shook his head. "Jesus, you thought I only thought of you as a piece of ass? Christ! I've failed you as a friend, I've completely failed you as someone who loves you. Didn't you see how much I loved it when we had sex together?". "Duh! Of course, you kept coming back for it often enough. But for you, it was Wham, bam, thank you man, and then you'd gone. You'd rut in my ass until you got your rocks off, and then it was thanks, man, gotta go!". "Well," Scott protested, "I was afraid of Colin catching us". "Oh, so you're afraid of big, bad Colin?". "Fuck no!" Scott spat out, "I'm not afraid of that dumb lunkhead!". "Ah. So, what was it that you were really afraid of?". I could see in Scott's eyes that he knew what it was but wasn't ready to tell me.
"Is it that you were afraid of being gay?" I questioned. Scott frowned. "No, that's not it. I've always been a free spirit, feeling free to do what I want, free to do what I like. Colin started sucking me off when I was like,13 or so. And I'd suck him off, and thought `Oh, this is fun'. No, I'm not afraid of enjoying sex with a guy. How can anything that makes both of you feel so good be something bad?".
"Then what the hell was it that you were afraid of? I insisted angrily. I instantly regretted my tone when I saw his eyes glisten with tears. "Love", he said simply. I waited for him to say more, and then asked softly "Love? How the hell can you be afraid of love?". "It's what happened when I was a kid", he began. "My dad was a high school teacher. He ran off with a 16-year-old girl, one of his students, leaving my mom and I to fend for ourselves! I remember my mom crying a lot. We'd be watching some TV show, and she'd burst into tears. She couldn't understand how the man she thought loved her could just dump her, and for an underaged girl, one of his students who trusted him, like she had. She was hurt badly, but it also hurt that she was ashamed that my dad had made a fool of her. And that was how I felt, too. I was too tough to cry, but what my dad did hurt the hell out of me too. I was 8 years old, his only son and I meant absolutely nothing to him? I thought he loved me. But none of it was real, it was all phony, the fucking bastard! So, I got it in my head that love hurts; love can hurt you badly. And I swore I'd never fall for it ever again".
I took Scott into my arms and held him tightly. "Well, yeah, love can hurt you, sometimes, when something like that happens. When the person you loved turns out to not be the person you thought they were. Sometimes bad shit just happens. But most of the time, love is the most incredible feeling in the world, and love can get you past the bad shit".
"Yeah, well, I've managed to avoid love ever since. Feeling love makes you feel so . . . vulnerable. When I'm on my own I'm afraid of nothing. When I'm playing football, I'm sure as hell not afraid of a 250-pound lineman in front of me. But love? Love grabs you by the nuts and makes you bend to its will. So, whenever I'd start to feel that way for someone that way I'd run away. I started feeling that way toward Colin when I enjoyed what we did together. That's when I started dating girls; that was my way of running away. And maybe that's why he's such an asshole, he's still waiting for me to come back. Well, that ship has sailed. And Bynda? Brynda was the piece of ass. But you? When you and I had sex, that was real. I liked you and what we did together so much that's why I'd run off abruptly, I was scared shitless about how I was beginning to feel about you".
"So, are you still afraid of love?". "No," he said confidently. "I've finally moved beyond that". "Good! And what was it that got you to move on?". He looked intently into my eyes. "You. You won. Love finally won, and I lost". "Whaat! You can be such an idiot sometimes! You didn't lose anything, you won! You won, you won me! Well, I may not be the best prize, but I'm what you won, so get used to it". Scott rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, I can be such a klutz with words sometimes. I didn't mean I lost anything, Love won, and I won. And I won you, and you're the best thing I've ever won in my life".
"So, tell me again how much you love me.". "What? I've already told you that". "Yeah? Well, I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing you tell me that". Scott smiled, took me into my arms, and kissed me. "Dude, I love you so much it fucking hurts. And I've known that since that first night we were together. And I'm so ashamed that you ever thought you were just a piece of ass to me. You always meant so much more to me, it just took me a while to let you win and let love win".
I shrugged. "Well, life gets you to do stupid shit sometimes. There's something I need to tell you". I took him into my arms and kissed him. "Scott, I love you so much it fucking hurts. And I very, very much want to be your boyfriend, your steady boyfriend. And yeah, let's get a place together, I want to wake every morning with you next to me".
We broke off our embrace. "Well, now that we got all that out of the way, you wanna fuck?" Scott asked. "No" I said firmly. Scott looked at me questioningly. "But I am up for you to make mad, passionate love to me. And I'm going to make mad, passionate love to you like you've never had love made to you before. Because I'm going to fuck you". Scott looked at me curiously. "Yeah, I'm going to fuck the daylights outta you, dude. Because the way I see it, if you're gonna go gay on me I think it's high time you feel how hot it is to have a hard cock in your ass, banging away on your prostate thingie". Scott smiled broadly. "Done deal, dude".