Caution and Courage

CAUTION AND COURAGE

INTRODUCTION

It was a most unlikely friendship. The trajectory of their early lives ought not to have brought them together, much less spark a friendship. A brief sketch of their backgrounds will explain why.

Willard Thomas Benson grew up in the Hamptons, home to many moguls, tycoons, and celebrities. His father was a partner in a major Wall Street law firm; his mother was a prominent socialite. He and his older sister therefore enjoyed all the privileges, comforts, and security of wealth. As a youngster, he was educated in a prestigious boarding school. Later, he attended a prep school to earn a high school diploma. Along the way, he mingled with the progeny of rich and powerful parents. Many of his classmates, he concluded, were arrogant snobs and therefore quite unlikeable. He vowed not to be like them ... or, for that matter, like his parents for whom appearances were the highest priority.

Will attended Columbia University and was enrolled in the NROTC program. He aspired to replicate the naval experience of his father and grandfather. However, his dreams were dashed early in his sophomore year. He was caught stealing and selling final exams. That ended his college studies and his hopes of earning a commission through the NROTC program. He promptly enlisted. If he couldn't be an officer he could at least be in the Navy. Only then did he tell his parents of his misdeeds at college and his decision to become a sailor. He was subjected to a ruthless and prolonged tirade. He was castigated for dishonesty, thoughtlessly choosing to cavort with "ordinary" enlisted men, and, predictably, bringing shame to the family name. He was effectively disowned, which didn't matter since he'd planned to distance himself from his family's obsession over social status and ostentatious display of wealth.

Billy Ray Simpson was raised in rural Mississipi, the eldest of six children and knew nothing but hunger and hard work on his family's small, hardscrabble farm. Like his parents, Billy never graduated from high school. He liked school; it was a welcome break from farm work. More than that, he liked learning new things. His love of school was taken from him in the middle of his junior year when his father packed up the family and a few possessions to move to Detroit where he hoped to find work in a factory. A weekly paycheck would be far better than the meager and unpredictable income from farming. Billy wasn't enrolled in school in the big city because, as the eldest child but only sixteen, he had to get a job to help support the family.

For years Billy was fascinated with the notion of sailing the seas. His longing to see the world intensified while living in the Detroit slums. As soon as he turned eighteen he enlisted in the Navy. His parents were surprised and disappointed but (although they'd never acknowledge it) they understood his motivation.

PART ONE

Except for their ambition to join the Navy, one would not conclude that the two young men had anything in common.

Will escaped from the stifling rigidity of expectations imposed on him by his family and from the snobbery that he found increasingly intolerable. Billy was escaping from a life of poverty. Their decisions put them on paths that would result in their meeting each other. But something else was the catalyst for their becoming friends. Both Will and Billy had ulterior motives that made the Navy appealing: months of mingling with other young, virile men. But, of course, they could never reveal that interest. Nor could they ever dare to do more than admire the masculinity that would constantly surround them. The chances of finding a like-minded partner with whom to enjoy pleasures of the flesh were too small to even consider. The Navy at the time was a decidedly homophobic organization. The consequences for homosexual behavior were — by explicit policy — severe!

Both Will and Billy were assigned to the same unit in basic training. Both found that most of the young men in their unit triggered various degrees of lust and provided fodder for sexual fantasies. Each, however, found one among the class of recruits to be particularly desirable because of trim, solid, but not overly muscled bodies and well-developed genitals that made an immediately favorable first impression.

Will was captivated by Billy's apparent innocence, his total lack of pretense, and his charming Southern drawl. It was, perhaps, his innocence that intrigued him most because it suggested that the Southern Gentleman was a virgin, ready to be guided in the pleasures of the flesh. Will had been introduced to those pleasures in the dormitory of boarding school and his appetite for sexual gratification had been amply satisfied while in prep school. But he'd not had a bed partner for a long time. Billy, he hoped, might be his next conquest. If only the naive Southern boy were gay!

Billy's interest was Will's quiet self-assurance. Although Billy was a virgin, through secretive exploration of gay porn magazines, he was familiar with the behavior of gay men ... and longed to experience the forbidden satisfaction of intimate contact with a man. Will was just such a man — confident but not cocky, dignified but not aloof, masculine but not macho. He would most likely be a fitting guide into the mysterious world of gay sexual delight. But Billy recognized that his infatuation could never lead to more than wishful fantasy; Will was most probably straight.

<><><><><>

During the first week of basic training, the upper class preppy and the uprooted farm boy checked out all their fellow recruits but always discretely. Every man does that but only a few for the reasons that haunted both Will and Billy. Each found that he was primarily aroused in the communal shower by one naked body in particular: Will by Billy's substantial tube of manly flesh between his legs and Billy by Will's firm, perfectly sculpted body that was adorned with just enough black hair on the chest and legs to confirm virile masculinity. Each had to fight valiantly to control his thoughts lest he sprout a boner that would no doubt cause taunting and persecution from all his comrades. After climbing into their bunks at night, they both allowed their minds to wander. They imagined the pleasures of sharing their naked bodies. Each, however, wished the other were gay so he might do more than wish and fantasize.

"I admired your stamina during calisthenics today," Will said cheerfully as he and his prey stood at adjacent shower heads after a grueling day of training.

"Shucks," Billy replied. "Nothin' compared to chores on the farm. Reckon it kinda put me in shape."

"Indeed they did," Will said. "You've got a wonderful physique," he added as he seized the excuse to let his eyes roam up and down the naked body next to him.

Billy was slightly uncomfortable being visually examined — a consequence of his fundamentalist family's strict warnings about showing his private parts in public — but he couldn't help feeling proud of his well-toned body and appreciated the admiration from a fellow recruit. To return the compliment he replied, "Yur in purdy good shape yurself." Abandoning inhibition, Billy's eyes scanned Will's body with particular interest in a cock that dangled enticingly below a thicket of black pubic hair.

Will was considerably more attuned to the possible interests of other guys, having honed his perceptiveness by seducing several boys in boarding school and college. He was therefore encouraged when he noticed Billy's gaze linger too long where it shouldn't. He suspected that was evidence of an interest that couldn't be disclosed openly and decided to test his assumption. He stood facing Billy and brazenly lathered up his cock and balls. As he hoped, Billy's eyes repeatedly stole fleeting glances at what Will was deliberately exposing to view.

"So you lived on a farm?" Will asked mostly to continue the conversation in the hopes that he could win the confidence of his quarry.

"Yup. Down south in Miss'ippy. But we moved to Detroit a couple o' years ago."

Will continued his questioning. "You miss the farm?"

"Nope! Nothin' but hard work dawn to dusk. Course it ain't no better in Detroit, neither. Too crowded. I `spose if I had my druthers I'd choose the farm."

Will continued his pursuit, asking about farm life — not to learn about farming in which he had little interest but to begin forging a connection with a likely bed partner. "I've never even visited a farm. Tell me what it's like."

"Lotsa work. Plowin'. Harvestin'. Takin' care of the hogs. "S'pose it's different on a bigger farm but we was poor. Not much to eat. Specially when the crops are bad. But I ain't complainin' cause my Momma and Daddy took good care of us kids. Six of us. Had to sleep with my two li'l brothers. Mighty crowded it was. But that's okay. Only problem was when one got sick we all of us got sick. No money for a doctor so Momma fixed us up with herbs and whatchacall home remedies. Considerin' ever'thin' though, growin' up weren't as bad as I make it out to be."

Will had heard and read of poverty in rural Mississippi but he'd never met a survivor of that kind of hardship. All of his former friends and school mates were pampered with the best food and the best clothes. He resented their sense of entitlement, their arrogance, and their deliberate ignorance of the challenges faced by what they disparagingly called the lower classes. He was therefore impressed with Billy's stoic, even positive attitude.

They had finished showering (and stealing lustful glances at each other's naked bodies) when Will said, "You're remarkable, Billy. I look forward to hearing more ... and getting to know you better."

Over the next two weeks Will and Billy chatted amiably with each other when not occupied by rigorous training and through those conversations developed an easy rapport. Billy was delighted to have a friend. Will, however, had a devious motive and would, with careful phrasing and meticulous timing, seek information that might be evidence of sexual orientation. He would ask, for example, "Do you have a girlfriend back home?"

"Nah. Didn't have no time for girls on the farm. And the girls in Detroit were either ugly or sluts."

"That's too bad," Will remarked sympathetically. "I hope you find one you like. To take care of your needs, if you know what I mean."

Billy didn't reply but a momentary look of pain crossed his face that Will interpreted to mean — possibly — that his buddy wanted a man and not a woman to satisfy him.

Will always seemed to maneuver himself in the shower to be at a shower head adjacent to Billy, who took it as little more than a continuation of a budding friendship. Billy became less concerned about modesty since he presumed nakedness in the shower was just a necessary consequence of life in the barracks. Will welcomed the chance to admire Billy's ample endowment.

Increasingly, Will casually but not boldly displayed his body to his quarry and was encouraged by his friend's roaming eyes that often focused on and remained longer than usual on his dangling manhood. But Billy in his innocence failed to notice the lustful glances that were directed at his own impressive equipment.

Both Billy and Will, as they lay in their bunks at night, let their secret desires assume control of their minds, imagining the joy of sexual coupling with the other. Billy regarded his fantasies as nothing more than an impossible wish. Will, on the other hand, allowed himself to believe that with enough time and effort he could seduce Billy and relieve the torment of repressed desire and experience what he fervently wanted.

Billy, never having experienced the ecstasy of gay sex, suffered from the same frustration but not as intensely. He was oblivious to the subtle clues in Will's behavior and comments and couldn't recognize the motivation behind them. He often wondered why a well-educated guy seemed to seek and enjoy his company, especially considering the vast gulf between their backgrounds. But he was grateful to have made a friend. Other recruits may have wondered about the unlikely friendship but not for long because in spite of Will being the son of an "East Coast Elite," he was personable and never expected deferential treatment nor did he look down his nose at any of his fellow recruits.

Nearing the end of basic training, Will was almost convinced that Billy was either gay or was willing to participate in manly sex. The evidence was fragmentary but plentiful. Billy's wandering eyes in the shower were less and less bound by unspoken but commonly known prohibitions against ogling others' genitals. He was even obvious in the way he sought and found opportunities to study others' equipment. It was no longer necessary for Will to blatantly expose himself. Billy, although he tried to be discrete, failed to completely hide his fascination with male genitals. And there were his poorly disguised attempts to stifle his subconscious discomfort when Will made a suggestive comment or asked a question with a sexual undertone. Will, a predator following the unmistakable scent of prey and with years of practice in the hunt, knew two things for certain. First, he would have to proceed carefully in his stalking to avoid alarming his prey; timing and patience were critical. Second, he had to be sure — when Billy was ready — that they would not be caught. Punishment for homosexual behavior at the time (well before "don't ask, don't tell) was swift, unequivocal, and severe. He could not risk that for himself or for Billy whom he had grown to genuinely respect.

<><><><><>

"Benson?" the Captain asked when Will appeared at the doorway of the Base Commander's office.

"Yes, sir. You wanted to see me sir?"

"I do. Come in and sit down. We need to talk."

Following dinner in the mess hall one evening Will was ordered to report to the Base Commander's office "on the double." His apprehension peaked as he made his way across the drill field toward the headquarters building. The Captain's `We need to talk' comment only pushed it to panic level. Questions without answers raced through his mind, all revolving around an overpowering fear that his friendship with Billy had been noticed and interpreted to be a forbidden attraction. His fears were not diminished when the Captain opened a folder and studied its contents for several minutes.

"I see you were in the NROTC at Columbia. Is that right?" the Captain asked without looking up.

"Yes, sir," Will replied nervously.

"And your performance reports during training are commendable."

Will did not respond. A recruit, he had learned, speaks to a superior only when given an order (and there is only one acceptable response: "Yes, sir") or asked a direct question.

The Captain closed the folder, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Benson, you have what the Navy needs. I'm recommending you for OCS, Officer Candidate School. Very few of the recruits have your potential. Fewer still are selected for the honor. Congratulations. When you complete basic training, you'll have a two week leave and then report to OCS in Newport, Rhode Island."

Will was astonished. He had feared discharge and disgrace. Now he sat in disbelief at the turn of events. A torrent of thoughts sped through his mind: NROTC had been a path toward a goal of being an officer in the Navy but it had been shattered by expulsion from school. This was an opportunity to reclaim his dream. Another thought intruded into his thinking: Billy. For the first time, Will consciously recognized what had been a latent feeling. His buddy was not merely a desirable body to be conquered for primal gratification of sexual needs. He admired Billy for his positive attitude and ambition. He respected his honesty and openness. Admiration? Respect? NO! It was AFFECTION! OCS would mean not being with Billy! The thought was as distressing as the selection for OCS was enticing.

The Captain interrupted Will's chaotic thinking by asking, "Nothing to say, Benson?"

"Sorry, sir," Will replied. "It's just that I'm surprised. I never expected it. I appreciate your confidence in me. And the offer. Or is it an order?" (Will knew that, if ordered, he must comply.)

"No, son," the Captain said with a grin. "It's not an order .. YET."

"Permission to speak candidly, sir?" Will asked.

"Permission granted."

"I know it's a wonderful opportunity. And an honor. But I'm a bit overwhelmed and I'd like some time to think it over."

The Captain frowned, unable to understand why there would be any hesitation or reason to refuse. Quite assertively, he said, "You have twenty four hours. Report back to me at this time tomorrow. And if it's no, be prepared to justify your answer. That'll be all. Dismissed."

A very confused and conflicted Will returned to the barracks where he saw Billy in a way he hadn't seen him before. DAMN,' he thought. I've got to choose between two things I want more than anything: OCS or Billy. Two things happened at the same time. Neither of them did I see coming. OCS would mean a prestigious Navy career. Billy would surely be a perfect companion. Shit, damn, and fuck! Which do I choose? What do I tell the Captain? What do I tell Billy?

<><><><><>

"Where ya been, Will?" Billy asked with his typical enthusiasm.

"Just went for a walk," Will replied, having decided on his way back to the barracks that he would say nothing to Billy about the OCS nomination. At least not until he had sorted out in his own mind what to tell the Captain. If he chose to accept the offer he would tell Billy about it. If, however, he chose to decline the nomination, hoping to stay near Billy, he would have to invent a lie to tell the Captain, a plausible reason for refusing the honor. Additionally, he would have to lie to Billy. How could he say, "I love you, Billy, and can't bear to leave you" when he wasn't certain that his friend was gay. Turning down the OCS opportunity was a huge risk because it was not certain that their orders after basic training would put them on the same ship.

Later that evening Billy asked, "What's eatin' on ya, Will? Ya been mopin' `round like ya just lost yur fav'rite hound dog."

"Sorry," Will replied, trying to quell the torment in his mind. "I guess I'm just worn out from all the hikes and calisthenics. And I'm worried about remembering all the technical stuff we have to memorize in class."

Billy doubted that was the real reason because both the calisthenics and the classroom work were easy for his fit and well-educated pal. But he chose not to pry into the true cause of his friend's funk. Instead, he said, "Yur gonna do jus' fine, Will. Doncha let it git to ya."

In the shower before lights-out both young men were quieter than usual. Their customary banter was replaced with a solitary concern to finish washing and hit the sack. Will was still preoccupied by the dilemma he faced. Billy wisely left his friend alone although he was still concerned about what was troubling his best buddy.

Will spent a fitful night, struggling unsuccessfully to resolve his conflicting options and reflecting on his feelings toward Billy that had burst into his consciousness just hours before. Was Billy gay or were the apparent signs of homosexuality merely characteristics of a naïve farm boy? Even if he were gay, did he feel the same intensity of affection, the same powerful urge to show that affection intimately? And how might they share their bodies without being caught?

Billy was, of course, gay and had much earlier recognized his infatuation with Will, infatuation that had turned into genuine affection. He had a strong desire to make passionate love with Will. His desires were tempered, however, by his timidity and fear — fear of offending his best friend and fear of certain discharge from the Navy if the prohibited relationship became known.

Will was reprimanded several times the next day for his lack of concentration and was on the verge of being put on report when the day of training finally ended. By that time, he had made his decision.

"Reporting as ordered, Sir," he said to the Captain.

"Good, come in," the officer replied. Without wasting any time on pleasantries, he continued, "So what's you decision?""

"I've reluctantly decided to decline the opportunity, Sir."

"For what reason?" the Captain barked. "And it had better be good!"

"OCS is a great honor, Sir, but it carries an obligation to serve for a long time ... and perhaps make the Navy my career. That's not what I want to do. I want to serve, yes, but for a limited time and go on to something else for a career." There was only a germ of truth in what Will said. When he enrolled in NROTC he fully expected to earn an officer's commission and remain in the Navy. Now, however, his goals were different. Now there was Billy — who had taken top spot in his priorities.

"You're making a big mistake, son," the officer said harshly. But then, in a tone that abruptly changed from commanding officer to guidance counselor, he added, "Your father will not be pleased."

"MY FATHER?" Will blurted out, forgetting the expectation of decorum and respect when addressing an officer. "What the hell does my father have to do anything?"

"Settle down, sailor," the Captain urged. "Your father called me. We were fraternity brothers at Harvard. He wanted to know how you're doing because he hadn't heard from you in a long time. I told him your performance here was exemplary and you were being considered for OCS. He asked me to expedite the consideration."

Forcing himself to control his anger, Will said, "That's a second reason for declining OCS, Sir. The opportunity is now tainted by my father's blatant attempt to influence the decision. I resent his trying to pull strings for me. Whatever I do or achieve will be with on my own. SIR!"

The Captain, both confused by his subordinate's logic and irritated at his outburst, took some time to gather his thoughts, time that seemed like an agonizing eternity to Will. The Captain snarled, "I could order you to attend OCS but I won't. It's not because you don't deserve it. It's not because your father encouraged me to do it. It's because your heart wouldn't be in it and — considering what you've told me — you would likely screw up intentionally to get booted out. That wouldn't be good for you or for the Navy. But let me say one more thing ... not as your commanding officer but as a father with a son just as bull- headed as you. Stay in touch with your family. I have no idea why you haven't contacted him or what may have happened between you two but trust me. Family is important. Loss of a son or loss of a father is tragic."

"Thank you, Sir, for the OCS offer. And for the advice. Please accept my apology for any lack of respect in what I've said."

A half-smile crossed the Captain's face before he resumed his military bearing and said angrily, "Your decision is one that — I guaran-damn-tee you — you will regret! DISMISSED!"

Having turned down a certain future as a Navy Officer Will returned to the barracks and to a very uncertain future. He wondered, "Is Billy gay? Is he attracted to me as much as I am to him? Might we be assigned to separate ships, which would mean I'd have lost BOTH desirable outcomes?"

Arriving at the barracks, he found Billy engaged in animated conversation with another recruit. They were occasionally laughing and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Will saw more than there was to see, which upset him. He'd chosen Billy over OCS and now it seemed (in his distorted perception) Billy had deserted him. He didn't recognize it nor would he have admitted it to himself but he was jealous. Billy was HIS friend! He felt an oppressive sense of regret for having made a wrong decision. He climbed into his bunk to feel sorry for himself.

Several minutes later, Billy approached Will who was silently bemoaning the foolishness of hoping that he and Billy could be more than friends. "Hey, Will," Billy said. "What'n tarnation is goin' on? Ya ain't been yurself. Doncha dare lie to me neither. I can tell somthin's eatin' at ya." Will didn't respond so Billy continued, "Come on, buddy. Tell me. If'n I can help I wanna. Wanna know why? I'll tell ya. It's `cause when yur hurtin' I feel yur pain. We're pals, aint we? What's a pal for if it aint to help another pal?"

"Go back and have fun with Roger," Will said curtly without looking at Billy. "You and he seemed to have hit it off quite well."

"Roger?" Billy asked, stunned by the obvious rejection of help and confused by the reference to his conversation with Roger. But a suspicion arose in his mind — the possibility that Will resented the apparent friendship with someone else. "We was jus' swappin' stories bout some o' the teachers we had in school. I thought mine was bad and it was cause I was from Miss'ippi but he growed up in Boston. Good neighborhood. Good school. But the teachers ... some of em ... sucked. Now, Will, we gotta talk about what's important. That's y'all and yur problem. Doncha be no stubborn mule bout it neither. Let yur buddy help if'n I can."

Slowly, Will recognized that his reaction to Billy's talking to someone else was childish. "Sorry." He said sheepishly. "I've been an ass. Yeah, there's something bothering me but I'd rather not talk about it. There's nothing you can do to help. In fact, you've already helped by offering. Maybe I can work things out but right now I have to do it on my own. I know that doesn't make any sense but I hope you can forgive me."

"Okie-doke," Billy replied. "But only if ya promise to let me know if'n I can do any thin' for ya. I wanna help if'n I can. `Cause we're buddies. Right?"

Will felt like giving Billy a big hug in thanks. Billy felt the same way because he was truly worried about his best friend's problem — whatever it might be — and wanted to comfort him. Neither, however, acted on his urges. It would be "unmanly" in their current environment.

<><><><><>

It was the final week of basic training and all the recruits were anticipating their orders. Most hoped for specialized training according to their interests but all recognized they would have to accept whatever duty the Navy assigned to them. No one was more apprehensive about his assignment than Will. He had resigned himself to the likely prospect of being assigned a job different than Billy's. After all, his private schooling and almost two years of college, not to mention being singled out for OCS would surely destine him for a future unlike that of Billy who was a high school dropout. The most he allowed himself to hope for was the remote chance that they would serve on the same ship. Still, he feared that their paths would diverge and he would then have lost both the OCS opportunity and the man he had grown to — yes, he had to admit the truth — he had grown to love. He tried to hide his anxiety from Billy because he didn't want him to worry and definitely didn't want him to know about his affection ... at least not yet.

Billy was no less concerned. His attraction to and affection for Will had become almost an obsession and he dreaded the probable separation. He had frequently planned to tell Will of his desires but always restrained himself. He wasn't sure that his confession of lust and love wouldn't be cruelly rejected and he didn't want to disrupt what he felt strongly would likely be Will's meteoric rise in the ranks.

When the orders were distributed after the evening meal on Thursday, Billy was not surprised. He would be working in the engine room of a cargo ship shuttling to and from Vietnam. Will, however, was astonished that he would be among the lowest of the low on a third-rate ship. The parting words of the Captain reverberated through his mind, aggravating his torment: "You will regret your decision!" The assignment was clearly an act of retaliation! The injustice infuriated him. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he became. He even suspected that his father had arranged it as punishment for turning down OCS. "It would be just like him," Will thought. "Didn't the arrogant snob demand that I work in a soup kitchen over the summer when I didn't join the `right' fraternity at Columbia? Didn't he piously bellow that I had to see what it's like to be an ignorant, lazy welfare mooch? But that punishment backfired; Will learned that those who came to the soup kitchen were good people that were victims of bad luck."

Will didn't have long to nurse his wounds because Billy came rushing toward him, asking, "Whatchur assignment, Will?"

Will replied with his disgust and disappointment clearly evident. "Working in the engine room of the Brighton — a fucking FREIGHTER! A goddamn shit-hole job!"

"Ain't that jus' somethin' else!" Billy enthused, the good fortune of serving with Will trumping the slur in Will's comment. "Same as me! I figured y'all would be off to advanced trainin' to be some kinda spec'list. But guess what. We gonna be workin' together. We can still be buddies."

Will was initially shocked by Billy's elation over their horrible assignments and was about to resume venting his angry disappointment when the last part of his friend's comment registered in his mind. Yes, he was not only assigned to the same ship as Billy but they would be working together. He hadn't lost everything after all. His unrealistic dream of continuing to be with the man he wanted as a partner had become a reality ... by whatever random chance or perhaps his father's spiteful intervention. The ominous clouds of despair had parted and he was warmed by the rays of brilliant sunshine.

"That changes everything, my friend," Will said enthusiastically. "I'd do anything the Navy asked if I could be doing it with you at my side."

Billy was extraordinarily happy over the extreme good fortune of the identical assignments. But he was made even happier by Will's comment. It was, he dared to hope, an indication that the affection he felt was shared. Perhaps, just perhaps, his best buddy might become his lover one day — a development that he had fantasized about repeatedly but never dared to voice. He stood next to Will, struggling to decide what to say that might give a clue to his interests without explicitly revealing his strong sexual attraction. It wasn't the best response but it was as good as he could muster at the moment: "Shucks, Will, ya make it sound like... I dunno. Anyways, I feel the same way. I'm happy as pig in shit that we's gonna be together."

They smiled at each other for a lingering moment. Their thoughts, although unknown to the other, were virtually identical. The single difference was that Will recalled his earlier goal: to seduce a naïve farm boy merely for sexual pleasure. Now, however, his attitude was distinctly different. He regarded Billy not as a vulnerable country hick but as an honest young man with an admirable character. That changed his strategy and tactics irrevocably. He would have to proceed more slowly. He would have to suppress his carnal lust in favor of winning and deserving trust ... and love. When the silence became awkward, Will said, "Yes, my good friend, we're going to be together. I can't think of anything that I want more than that."

Billy's smile broadened and radiated the joy he felt over Will's statement. The smile was returned in kind. It was at that moment, they would later recall, that their mutual affection was first manifest to each other. There remained but one obstacle to taking the next step: the institutionalized and virulent homophobia of the military at the time.

<><><><><>

On the final day of basic training, there was little to do except prepare for and participate in the graduation parade and ceremony. Will and Billy then had ten days of leave before they had to report to the Naval base in San Diego. Will was hoping that he and Billy might spend that time together. Off base and as temporary civilians, they might experience what they both wanted without fear of court martial.

"What are your plans for our ten day leave?" Will asked.

"Spend some time with family. Lord knows how long it'll be afore I get to see `em again."

"Oh," Will said. "I suppose that makes sense. I'd do the same except ... well ... you know I don't get along with my dad and I don't want to suffer through his tirades about how I've screwed up my life."

Billy thought for a moment and said, "Why doncha come home with me? I sure would like my family to meetcha. I think you'd like em, too. They's plain folk but salt o' the earth type. They'd make ya feel welcome. How bout it?"

"That's very kind of you, Billy. But I wouldn't want to intrude on your time with your family. I'd just be in the way."

"Bull crap!" Billy said. "Y'all would be welcome. And, truth to tell, I'd like to spend some relaxin' time with ya ... away from all this mil'tary stuff."

The implications of "relaxing" were not lost on Will but he doubted that there would be any chance of truly private time in which to pursue the possibility of sexual pleasure. Not with parents and five younger siblings in the household.

"Don't get me wrong, Billy. I would enjoy spending time with you ... because I like you ... a lot. But I was planning on going out to San Diego early. I've never been to California and ... well ... I'd just like to be a tourist for a few days. We'll have plenty of time to be together aboard the ship. Ten days won't be that long to wait, will it?"

Billy's disappointment was palpable and Will felt guilty for declining the invitation.

"Okie doke," Billy said sullenly. "But I was kinda hopin' to have my folks meetcha. Let `em know what a fine fella y'all is. Not a hard-drinkin' sailor type if'n ya know what I mean. So as they don't worry none about me."

Will realized how much the visit would mean to his buddy and offered a compromise. "I could stop by for a day or two. Would that be all right?"

Billy's grin expressed his delight and appreciation far more accurately than his exclamation of ""HOT DAMN! That's wonderful."

<><><><><>

The two love-struck but frustrated buddies hitched a ride from the Great Lakes Naval Training Center to Chicago where they bought tickets for the Greyhound bus ride to Detroit. During the 300 miles on the bus along I-94, they periodically talked when Billy, in the window seat, was not engrossed with the passing landscape.

It was evening on Saturday when the bus pulled into the Detroit depot. Billy's father, Bobby Lee (namesake of his grandfather), was effusive in greeting his eldest son. Will wished that his own father was as comfortable showing affection. Mr. Simpson, when introduced to Will, was extremely cordial. "Pleased to meetcha, son," he gushed. "Billy Ray done a'ready tol' me how good ya been to im ... he'pin' im with school work an' such. Any friend o' his is a friend o' mine."

"He's spoken very highly of you as well," Will replied. "His whole family, as a matter of fact."

The man laughed and said, "Didn't tell ya `bout havin' to take a switch to his bottom when he got into mischief, then, did he?"

"No, sir," Will laughed. "But that's what a father has to do, isn't it? It seems to me that you did everything right because Billy turned out to be an admirable young man that you can be proud of."

"That I am. Proud, I mean. `Course his mama gits most of the credit."

Later, nearing the Simpson home, Billy's father said, "Almost there, boys. Hope ya don't mind sharin' a bed. Yur brothers, Billy, are goin' on what they calls an overnight with friends so's y'all can use their bed. `Course they gonna be there durin' the day. They's mighty eager-like to see ya. "

Both Will and Billy pondered the prospect of sharing a bed but each also realized that he couldn't do what he most wanted to do. Getting caught making love while in the Navy was disaster: immediate dishonor of discharge. Getting caught by parents could be far worse: destroying precious bonds ... perhaps for life.

Billy's two brothers and three sisters rushed to him when they arrived in the apartment, all clamoring for his attention, competing loudly to have their welcoming comments heard, and jostling for the best position to hug their big brother. Will was struck with the outpouring of affection, which was something he had missed growing up and missed even more now.

The uproar was interrupted when Mr. Simpson shouted, "YOUNG'NS! Yur furgetin' we got company. This here is Will Benson. Say hello to our guest!"

One by one, in ascending order of their age, the children greeted Will by shaking his hand and voicing a variation of "Pleased to meet you, sir."

Meanwhile, Billy walked over to his mother, gave her a big hug, and said, "I missed ya, Mama. And I love ya."

Will, took note of the affectionate exchange in spite of the successive greetings by the five children. He wouldn't dare do that with his own mother. He also noticed that the woman had tears, happy tears, rolling down her cheeks. They broke their hug, the woman wiped away the tears with her apron, and said, Y'all gotta be hungry. I got a big pot o' ham and green beans ready for ya."

"Wonderful!" Billy gushed. "Ain't nobody in the Navy that cooks like my Mama."

They gathered around the small kitchen table elbow to elbow, leaving no chair for the youngest child, a six-year-old girl. "Come ere, punkin'" Billy grinned. Tapping his lap, he said, "There's room for ya right ere." She grinned broadly and jumped up on her brother's lap.

The meal was delicious and the friendly banter was joyous. It was just after ten when Mr. Simpson announced, "Boys, get yur stuff and be off to yur friend's place. And ya better be good over there. Any mischief and ya ain't never gonna do it again. Heah? We'll see y'all in the mornin'."

As the two young boys retrieved their things in already packed grocery bags, anxiety began to occupy both Will's and Billy's mind. In just a little while, they would be in the same bed ... and unable to take advantage of the opportunity.

In the bedroom with the door closed, they undressed. They had seen each other naked in the shower on base several times but there was a new component to their thoughts as articles of clothing came off. They were, at least for a brief time, civilians and not subject to military discipline for "unmanly" behavior. They would crawl into the same bed just inches away from each other. The temptation to express their desires for the first time, to show their affection, and to give and receive the ultimate in sexual pleasure was intense. But knowing what was just beyond the bedroom door — Billy's parents and his young siblings — made that impossible. They forced themselves to think of something else to control (if only partially) the demanding stirring in their groins.

As they lay in bed, perilously close to opposite sides of the mattress, Billy said, "G'night, Will."

Will replied, "Good night, Billy." But added, "Meeting your family explains why you're such an admirable individual. You may have grown up poor and sometimes hungry but it's obvious that you enjoyed an abundance of love. And love is the most important thing in life." He stopped himself just in time before saying, "I love you, Billy."

"Yup," Billy replied. "They's good people, my family. Gave me lots o' lovin' and I s'pose it taught me how to love." He hoped his bed partner grasped the hidden meaning in that comment but it was too subtle and Will could think only of his childhood when spoken or physical expressions of affection were as scarce as water in the Sahara. Neither of the young men could fall asleep quickly, thinking of each other.

<><><><><>

Will thoroughly enjoyed himself the next day, Sunday, playing with the younger children in the park or sitting on a bench talking and watching the energetic brood enjoy their play time in the brilliant sunshine. After a delicious evening meal, Mrs. Simpson directed her sons and daughters to finish their school homework. That allowed the adults to sit in the living room and interrogate Billy about life in boot camp, his expectations for serving at sea, and reminiscing about old times. Will was not left out of the conversation, however, and was very comfortable among people his parents would regard with disdain.

Monday was Will's last day as a guest in the Simpson home. He had a flight to San Diego leaving in late afternoon. The children had gone to school and both of Billy's parents had gone to work — he as an assembly line worker and she as a waitress in a nearby café. That left Billy and Will on their own in an empty apartment. Will was almost to the point of revealing his feelings and, sure that Billy would agree, suggest that they spend at least part of the day in bed to show their mutual love for each other. Before he worked up the courage to do so, however, Billy said, "Know what I'd like to do, Will? I'd like to take ya to the Ford Museum and Greenfield Village. I ain't never been there but always wanted to. I hear tell it's worth a fella's time to see. How's that sound to ya?"

Will was disappointed but if that's what his boyfriend — yes, boyfriend even though they hadn't discussed it, much less acted on it — then he would agree to the idea to please Billy. In spite of losing the opportunity for sex, both young men thoroughly enjoyed the day and had to cut it short so Will could make it to the airport in time.

Billy insisted on seeing his friend off at the airport and just before it was time to board the plane, he grew nervous. Haltingly he said, "I'm gonna miss ya, Will. Do ya s'pose ever'body `round here might think we's brothers if I give ya a hug?"

"I don't care what they think, Billy!"

They embraced, oblivious to the crowd of people around them. Will, tossing caution to the wind, briefly ground his crotch into Billy's and happily noticed no adverse reaction from the buddy he grew fonder of every day. As he settled into his seat aboard the plane, he reflected on the parting hug. Billy didn't recoil when they pressed their crotches together. That was a good sign; Billy undoubtedly has the same urges, the same wants, and the same goals. Or did he? It was possible that he didn't notice the deliberate stimulation or that he noticed and, being a gentleman, said nothing. "Damn!" Will thought. "Why can't I be sure of Billy's feelings? I have to be sure before I offend him and risk discharge from the Navy.

To be continued

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks, Iatia, for your valuable ideas, friendship, and expert editing.