CAUTION AND COURAGE
PART SEVEN
It was almost noon as Will sat anxiously in Rod's living room, waiting for some word from Billy. Did he arrive at the Base? Surely he would have. Was he called in to answer charges of homosexuality or was he aboard the Altamont preparing to sail out of port? While he worried about how Billy would fare in the grilling he might receive, he was fearful to think that his lover would escape interrogation and they would be separated for a very long time. Not knowing what was happening was souring his mood and elevating his anxiety. Both Rod and David had called earlier that morning but Will had no news to give them. They tried to reassure that it would work out as planned but Will continued to worry and wait.
Just past noon, Will was startled by the door bell. He looked out the window to see who it was because he was in Rod's house and was unsure about opening the door. He saw two Shore Patrolmen on the front porch. The sight simultaneously frightened him and encouraged him. Surely it was a sign that Billy had been identified on the video and had been interrogated. He must have told the Navy where to find the other `actor' in the video. The plan was working!
He opened the door. "Are you Willard Benson?" the taller of the two visitors asked.
"Yes. Is there a problem?"
"We don't know," the Shore Patrolman said. "But we've been asked to take you to the Base to meet with Captain Delgado. Would you please accompany us?"
"Of course. But why would he want to see me? Oh. I forgot. You don't know. Who is Captain Delgado?"
"A member of the command staff at the Base. Now, would you be so kind as to come with us please."
The drive to the Base was devoid of any conversation, which allowed Will to think through how he should react when confronted with the evidence against him. The driver pulled up in front of the Headquarters Building. The other escort turned around to speak to Will who was in the back seat of the car. "If you'll come with me, I'll take you to Captain Delgado's office."
As they entered into Delgado's plush suite, the escort said to the secretary--a female Yeoman, "I've brought Willard Benson. The Captain wanted to see him right away."
"I'll let him know you're here," she smiled sweetly.
Moments later, the intercom blared, "Send in Benson. Have the escort wait."
Will was directed to the open office door and heard, "Enter!" He stood in front of the massive desk while the Captain finished reading something. Will instantly disliked the officer. Part of the reason was the brusqueness of his commands (Send in Benson! Have the escort wait!'). He probably hadn't used the words please' or `thank you' for years. That showed a complete disregard of the feelings of those around him whom he expected to be blindly obedient and no more than thoughtless servants to his needs. Another cause of Will's dislike was the array of ribbons that spanned the area of his uniform from the breast pocket almost to his shoulder. It was a blatant display of status that uncomfortably reminded Will of his father's obsession with recognition and prestige. Foremost among the reasons was that Will had ample reason to believe this man was a homophobic bigot capable of -- and even eager to -- torment and persecute anyone who didn't worship at the altar of pious (i.e., heterosexual) morality.
Several minutes passed while the officious Captain ignored Will whose impatience gradually transformed into irritation. He knew what was to come and did not fear it; he just wanted to get it over with because it would take him one step closer to being with the man he loved.
Finally, the Captain looked up and glared at Will before brusquely saying, "We have evidence and testimony that you are homosexual and have engaged in illicit behavior. Do you admit or deny the charge?"
"Both are true, Sir. I'm gay and in a monogamous relationship with another man."
"Are you aware of the consequences of that disgusting behavior?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Have you anything to say in your defense that would mitigate the punishment?"
"No, Sir. Except that I fulfilled my duties on board the Brighton with honor and never violated military policy while there."
"Goddamn it, Benson! You violated military policy when you enlisted as a queer!"
Will did not respond.
"ESCORT!" the Captain yelled. "Take this piece of shit to Security. And tell them he's to have no contact with his fag friend, Simpson."
<><><><><>
Billy and Will were confined in separate rooms in the Security building for several hours. Neither was allowed out except to use the toilet and then only when accompanied by a Security Officer.
The boredom was bad but wondering and worrying about his lover weighed heavily on both Will and Billy. They had no regrets about making the videotape and remained hopeful that their discharge would be `under honorable conditions' as Rod and David said was a possibility after being cooperative and honest in the interrogations.
Billy was startled when the door to the conference room was unlocked and an unknown Officer walked in. "I'm Lieutenant Halverson from Naval Legal Services. It seems a recommendation for involuntary separation was sent to the Base Commander who, as a matter of routine protocol, sent me to see you. I'm here to advise you of your rights. If you don't mind, I'll get right down to business because I have to see another sailor with the same problem."
"Don't mind a bit," Billy said. "I `spose the other sailor is Will Benson."
"I can't reveal that information. Now, you're accused of being homosexual and engaging in homosexual activity. Are you? Did you?"
"Yes, Sir. Me and my partner love one `nother and do stuff t'gether."
"And did this activity occur aboard ship or on military property?"
"No, Sir. We was clean as a whistle when on duty. It happened whilst we was on leave ... off Base."
"I understand there's a videotape of you and another sailor having sex. Is that right?"
"Yes, Sir. We made it for our own use. Still can't figure out what happened to it."
"Apparently it was lost or stolen and sent anonymously to one of the Command Staff here on the base. What did you say when you were interviewed about it?"
"The truth! I'm gay. I wasn't about to lie. That would be wrong." Billy stopped himself, remembering David's advice to give direct answers but not to elaborate or justify homosexuality.
"With the video and your admission of homosexuality during the interview, it seems you have no viable defense. According to the Universal Code of Military Justice, homosexuality mandates involuntary separation. It could be worse. If the sex was forced on someone ... or with a minor ... or in public, for example. That would require a Court Martial. Nevertheless, you have a right to request a hearing from an Administrative Discharge Board that will be appointed by the Base Commander. You can then defend yourself against the charges with the help of a civilian attorney or a military lawyer appointed by the Base Commander. If you waive that right, the paperwork will be processed to discharge you from the Navy. Any questions so far?"
Billy understood what he had been told but wanted to hear the good news again so he said, "'Scuse me for bein' slow but yur tellin' me that with the tape `n' all, there ain't no chance o' stayin' in the Navy. Even if'n I tell my side o' the story to some kinda Board o' Navy types."
"That's right. But I'm obligated to give you the opportunity to appear before the board."
"Don't see no sense in that. I'm gay. They have proof. Guess they's gonna kick me out."
The Officer handed Billy a form and said, "This is a legal document that says you waive your right to a hearing. All you have to do is sign on the bottom."
Billy signed the form and said. "Done!"
"Before I go, I have some good news for you. Since you're being discharged with less than 180 days of continuous military service it will be an Entry Level Separation with no characterization of the service."
"What's that mean?"
"It means a General Discharge without any reference to under honorable conditions' or under other than honorable conditions'."
"That's good, ain't it?"
For the first time, the Navy attorney smiled. "Not perfect but good. You'll have less difficulty finding employment. But it will be up to the Veterans Administration to decide about benefits like health care and GI Bill. I have to be honest and say that those things are very unlikely for those receiving an Entry Level Separation. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see another sailor."
"Can I ask one more question, Sir?
"Certainly."
"When can I get outta here? It's like bein' in jail or somethin'"
"The Commander has signed an order to grant what we call a `restricted release.' Based on what you've told me, I see no reason to believe there's any probability that you will cause harm to others or to the Armed Forces. That means you can leave the Base but not the San Diego area until your discharge is finalized. I'll give the order to the Chief of Security when I leave here."
"Thanks, Sir. "I'm goin' loony locked up in here."
The attorney left without saying anything. Even the door locking behind him didn't bother Billy because he now had hope -- hope of getting out of `lock-up' -- hope of leaving the Navy with a relatively clean record -- and most of all hope of uniting with his lover again.
The ensuing conversation with Will was a near replay of the one with Billy except that Will asked more questions about the discharge, restricted release, returning uniforms, and other details. Less than an hour later, two ecstatic, soon to be ex- sailors walked out of the main gate of the Base. While walking toward Rod's home Billy said, "We done it, Will! We's free. We can be partners."
"That's true," grinned Will. "Now we can figure out how to deal with the rest of our problems."
"Whatcha mean? Ever'thin' worked out just like we wanted."
"Well ... the biggest problem will be telling our families why we left the Navy. That, of course, means we have to decide whether to tell them it was because we're gay or make up a lie to tell them. But let's not worry about that just yet. Let's celebrate our freedom."
"I got an idea how t' do that," Billy said impishly. "We can get naked and I'll show ya how much I loves ya."
"You're a horny stud!" Will laughed.
"And why shouldn't I be? Ya got a won'erful body and I loves ya!"
Several paces further on, Will said, "We've got other problems, too. Like deciding where to live and getting jobs. But let's not worry about that now. We've got plenty of time to discuss it while waiting for the Discharge papers to clear."
When they arrived at Rod's house, they were disappointed (but not surprised) that Rod and David were there. It would mean they would have to delay their love making until bedtime. The disappointment was short-lived, however, because upon relating their experience with the interrogations and detention, there was cheering, congratulations, joyous laughter, and hugging all around.
He hadn't discussed it with Billy but Will said anyway, "We're tremendously grateful to both of you. Rod, you've been kind and hospitable in letting us stay here in your home. David, your idea for the videotape was a stroke of genius and worked out perfectly. In appreciation, we'd like to take you both out to dinner. Some place nice for a fine meal."
"That's sweet, Will," Rod said. "But....."
Will immediately interrupted. "No buts! And no excuses. It's what we really want to do and it's trivial compared to what you've done for us."
<><><><><>
AUTHOR'S REMINDER: This story takes place in the early 1970s -- three decades before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and four decades before its repeal -- when the military's discrimination against homosexuals was official policy and ubiquitous.
<><><><><>
The Discharges were accomplished. Billy and Will were no longer in the Navy. They were free. Free to leave the San Diego area. Free to get on with their lives as civilians. Free to enjoy and nurture their loving relationship. But the challenges facing them were daunting. The most immediate was telling their parents that they were no longer in the Navy and perhaps -- they hadn't decided yet -- to explain the reason: that they were gay, in love, and would live as committed partners. They also recognized the longer term challenge: being gay in a society that, in the early 1970s, condemned and persecuted homosexuals mercilessly.
They had been staying in Rod's house while the Navy bureaucracy processed all the necessary paperwork but were increasingly uncomfortable taking advantage of his hospitality. Their insistence of paying rent was steadfastly rebuffed by their generous host. They made plans to travel to Detroit to visit Billy's family. They were sure that both of them would be welcome but still hadn't decided whether to disclose the reason for their discharge.
"Wanna go to New York and visit yur folks after Detroit?" Billy asked.
"NO!" Will responded emphatically.
"And why not?" Billy asked.
"For one thing, my father would ruthlessly condemn my failure to complete my obligation to the Navy. For another, he would continue to criticize my leaving school and enlisting. And finally, I wouldn't go without you. He would be totally incapable of seeing past your rural past to see your sterling character and remarkable good sense. I guarantee that he would take an instant dislike for you as soon as he heard your accent. I find it charming; he would immediately stereotype you as ignorant. That's one of the things that I can't tolerate in him. He's constructed opinions of anyone who doesn't share his distorted idea of what `good people' are. It's become a reflex that prevents him from seeing what's good in people. I refuse to subject you to his scorn."
"Firstways, Will, don't worry none bout me. If'n he's as mean as you say, I can ignore it for a few days. But it leaves me wonderin'. How ya gonna splain to `im not bein' in the Navy no more?"
"I'll write him a letter. I'll make up some story ... like being injured. Nothing serious but something that would disqualify me for duty. That ought to do it."
"That's dishonest!" Billy exclaimed with indignation.
"Maybe. It's a white lie. Not true but it avoids anger or pain. For me AND for him."
"But ya won't quit writin' letters to `im, will ya? He's yur family ... the onlyest one ya got."
"Oh, I'll stay in touch. But the letters will be just like what I've sent before -- mundane news about what I'm doing and that I'm all right."
"Have ya told im bout me? `Bout us?"
"Yes. I've said that we worked together aboard the Brighton and are friends."
"Ya gonna tell `im the truth about us?"
"Probably not. And it's NOT because I'm ashamed of you or of being gay. The reason is the same as for a white lie. It avoids causing pain to another person."
"Oh," Billy mumbled.
Will suddenly recognized the implications of what he said. "My situation is different, Billy. You've decided to tell your parents about us when we visit them. But you have a very loving family. They're proud of you. They'll be surprised and maybe disappointed but they'll always love you. The shock of knowing they have a gay son will wear off quickly. My father -- and my mother if she actually cares -- aren't like that. The knowledge of having a gay son is a seed that will grow into hatred. They'll try to ease their pain by venting that hatred on me. And on you! But the hatred won't go away. It will grow like a cancer on their soul. So, you see, my first reason is to avoid condemnation and vicious criticism but I also want to avoid causing them more pain than they may already feel."
Billy was quiet for a few moments before saying, "We had a talk once bout livin' t'gether and bout not always agreein' with one nother. We promised to always be honest even if'n we didn't agree. Well, I'm thinkin' this is our first disagreement. I see yur point but I don't agree. We also talked bout what t' do when we disagreed. Remember? We said that we would always stand by and support each other. That's what I'm gonna do, Will. If'n ya don't wanna tell yur parents about us I'll go along `cause yur love means ever'thin' t' me."
"As yours does to me!" Will replied and gave his lover a hug and passionate kiss.
<><><><><>
It was Will and Billy's last day in San Diego. Rod was due home from work in about half an hour; it would be at least three hours later that David would arrive. At Billy's urging, Will agreed to offer themselves to Rod in appreciation for his gracious hospitality. Unlike the previous threesome, neither of the newly discharged sailors had any misgivings or hesitation. In fact, they both looked forward to it.
Minutes after Rod came through the front door, Will said, "You have no idea how much we appreciate opening your home to us and helping us avoid being separated from each other for the rest of our time in the Navy. We've debated how to express our gratitude. Nothing, however, seems adequate. Except, maybe, one thing. We remember how much you enjoyed the threesome and before David comes home...."
"Stop right there!" Rod interrupted. "In the first place, I've enjoyed your company and I was more than happy to help you get out of the Navy. In the second place, there's another, much more important reason I can't accept what I think you're offering. I've mentioned to you before that I've wanted a lasting, loving relationship for a long time and David is the man I wanted as a life partner. Well ... he committed to it last night."
"That's wonderful!" Will exclaimed. "Congratulations!"
Rod continued, "The long and the short of it is: I won't cheat on him. Nor will I ask that he join us because of his very strong belief in monogamy and fidelity. Don't get me wrong. I would thoroughly enjoy it -- that night we spent together was magnificent -- but David means too much to me. I won't do anything to violate his trust and jeopardize our relationship."
"I know how ya feel," Billy said. "If'n yur love for David is half o' what mine is for Will it's gotta be protected."
"I'm glad you understand, guys. And don't worry a bit about doing me any favors for having you here. I've thoroughly enjoyed your company. Moreover, I think seeing you two love birds helped David make up his mind about being my partner. That, in itself, is worth more than I can say."
Will asked, "Can we take you two out to dinner to celebrate your ... can we call it an engagement?"
"I'd like that," Rod grinned. "Let's see what David thinks about it. Okay?"
<><><><><>
The plane landed in Detroit on time and Billy's father was there to greet them in the baggage claim area. He hugged his son for a long time while Will envied their relationship. Then Mr. Simpson shook Will's hand and said, "Mighty glad t' see ya, young fella. I was pleased when Billy Ray wrote t' say y'all would be comin' with `im."
Will sat in the back seat on the drive from the airport while Billy and his father talked almost nonstop about what it was like at sea, the adventure on the nameless island, and -- from Mr. Simpson -- about what had been going on in the family. The casual chatter came to an abrupt end when Billy's father said, "Ya said in yur letter that the Navy didn't need ya no more. I can't figure that out. Seems like with what's goin' on in Vietnam, they'd be glad t' have yur help."
Billy artfully dodged the implied question. "Lotsa things I can't figure out, daddy. The Navy's a whole lot dif'rent than back home. How's little punkin doin'? She like bein' in first grade?"
"She's a li'l charmer, ain't she? Ya always favored er. Spoiled er, too. `Sept for yur mamma, she's missed ya more'n any o' the rest."
After a prolonged and boisterous greeting at the door, Will and the Simpson clan sat down for supper. Both Will and Billy were grateful that the subject of the early discharge did not enter the conversation. But both knew that when the children were shuttled off to bed (it was a school night), the dreaded disclosure would be made to Billy's parents.
The younger children were allowed to stay up an hour after their normal bedtime while Billy's anxiety grew. What he didn't know, however, is that his parents' curiosity was also reaching a peak because they knew there was more to the story of leaving the Navy. (Don't loving parents always know when their offspring are upset or withholding information? And don't they normally protect young siblings from information that might cause distress?) When the youngsters were tucked in and settled down for the night, Mr. Simpson said, "Billy, I done asked ya when we was coming from the airport how's come ya left the Navy so soon like. Ya didn't gimme much of an answer. Now I wanna know the whole story."
Billy, with Will's advice, had given a lot of thought to how best to break the news to his parents in a way that would soften the blow. He began, "Ya knows that Will and me are good friends. It's plain t' see that he's a fine man so it's no surprise that I respect im and like im. It's also plain that y'all see his good qualities and like im too. Maybe it's a big surprise, though, that he likes me. Ya may wonder why a big city Yankee would take a fancy to a Miss'ippi boy. I wonder bout that, too. But fact o' the matter is, he does like me. Since we met in Basic Trainin' we became very good friends. Now here's the part y'all may not like but I been prayin' that y'all would understand. It's more than likin' each other. We LOVE one `nother. And we's gonn a spend our lives t'gether." Billy paused to gauge the reaction from his parents.
"Whatcha mean by `love', Billy," his father asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"The same kinda love you have for momma, Daddy. And she has for ya. "It's the same as a man and a woman. It's love -- a REAL love -- `tween two men. I know it ain't common but it happens sometimes. I also know that I'm different. Will's different. I've known what I wanted ... and what I am ... for a long time. It ain't no passin' feelin'.
"Yur tellin' me yur queer?" his father asked.
"Yup. So's Will. And lemme say one more thing. I'm gonna do ever'thin' I can to make im happy. He's gonna do the same for me. Just like you and momma do for one nother."
Mr Simpson was totally unprepared for the startling news and couldn't find words to express his feelings. He turned to his wife and said, "Ain't ya gonna say nothing?"
She paused, knowing what she wanted to say but struggling to find the right way to say it. "Can't say I'm surprised. I kinda had suspicions for a spell. So I've had time to get myself ready. I'm disappointed but I ain't mad or nothin'. When ya have kids ya do what ya can to protect em. Love em. And ya want em to be healthy and happy. When they grows up, they gotta find their own happiness, don't they? Well, Billy is growed up. Into a fine young man. If'n livin' with nother man makes him happy, we oughta let im do it. Sure nuff, it's not what we wished for but he's our son and we oughta love `im just like the day he was born."
Mr. Simpson was stunned by his wife's comments. His feelings, by contrast, was that being queer was not manly ... and definitely not what he wanted his son to be. He spoke harshly to his wife, "Ya mean ya don't give a hoot `bout yur son bein' queer?"
"He's YUR son, too!" Mrs Simpson replied.
"It ain't right!" the man declared. "It's wicked! That's what it is! When he was little, I'd take im out t' the woodshed and whack some sense into im. Maybe that's what I oughta do now."
"You'll do no such thing!" Mrs. Simpson replied defiantly. "I'm not xactly happy bout it neither. But he's OUR son! And he's not a little boy no more. He's a grown man and can live his own life. That don't mean we can't love him just cause he ain't xactly like us."
Billy interrupted in an attempt to prevent the escalation of the argument. "Momma! Daddy! I'm sorry yur disappointed. But please don't get in no fight over me. If'n yur mad, yell at me. Not at each other. I don't have no memory of you ever getting' in a fight. All I can remember is the lovin' ya showed one nother ... and us kids. Maybe it weren't the kissy huggy type but I always knew that what ya done ya did outta love ... for one nother and for us kids. The love ya had is what Will and me have. I know it's hard to understand and it's not what most folks feel but I'm tellin' ya the truth when I say I love Will just like I would love a woman if'n I was like most folks. But I ain't. And don't ever doubt that I love both o' you more than I can say."
Billy was successful in lessening his father's anger toward his mother but didn't expect that the anger would be redirected. Mr. Simpson glared at Will and said, "Ya done this t' my boy. Ya done corrupted `im with yur big city ways."
"Hold yur horses, daddy. It weren't Will what done it. I knew that I liked boys more n girls long before. Back when I was just fifteen back in Miss'ippi. Course I couldn't say nothin' bout it cause I thought somethin' was wrong with me. But the cravin' didn't go away. It got stronger. Me n' Will met in Basic Trainin' and got t' be good friends. Much later I found out he was like me. That made me feel heaps better bout myself. It weren't Will that corrupted me. He only just filled a big empty spot in my soul with his love."
Mr. Simpson was quiet for a moment before he said. "So that's why y'all got kicked outta the Navy. `Cause yur both queer."
"That's right, sir," Will interjected. "The Navy has a policy against homosexuals. But let me assure you that I love your son and I'll do everything in my power to make him happy and protect him from harm. I love him for the same reasons that you should be proud of him. He's honest. He has remarkably good sense. He's got compassion for other people. I have no doubt that he learned all of that from you so you can not only be proud of him but you can be proud of yourselves for raising an outstanding son."
"Yur sweet talk ain't gonna change my mind, young fella. Bein' queer ain't natural. I reckon there ain't nothin' I can do bout it neither. Cause it's plain ya got yur twisted minds made up. But lemme tell y'all one thing. Ya better not do or say anythin' in front of the other chil'ren. If'n ya do, there'll be holy hell to pay."
"Don't worry, Daddy," Bill said. "We know better than that."
Continuing his authoritarian demeanor, Mr. Simpson declared, "And that includes makin' a fuss in bed that they might hear. No disgustin' behavior in this house! Is that clear?"
Lying in bed that night and talking very quietly, Will said, "I thought you handled the situation tonight extremely well. You softened the blow with your casual tone, you didn't apologize for being gay but stated it as a fact, and you emphasized your love and appreciation for your parents."
"Thanks," Billy replied. "I didn't know what to expect but momma's reaction was a sight more acceptin' than I thought it'd be. And daddy didn't fly off the handle like I thought he would. He's angry, for sure, but I'm hopin' he'll get over it."
"You're right, Billy. When we're hit with news like that, it's a shock to the system and -- in your father's case -- a blow to his masculine ego. But I've witnessed the love within your family and I'm confident he'll come around. Just give him some time to absorb the news."
"I reckon we's gonna hafta be careful whilst we's here. Just like on the Brighton, watchin' what we say and do. Can't let the li'l ones suspect nothin'. They's still gonna wonder, though, if'n Daddy gets all moody `n' such."
Quite surprisingly to Billy and Will the subject of their homosexuality was never mentioned during the two days they visited. Mrs. Simpson was very much like she always was: attentive to her children's behavior, diligent in housekeeping, and not cheerful but cordial. Mr. Simpson, however, could only be described as sullen and aloof. He spoke to his wife and the younger children but seldom said anything to Billy except to grunt a terse answer to a question. He ignored Will completely, which was markedly different than his gregarious hospitality during the first visit after Basic Training.
When they were alone, Billy remarked to Will, "Don't it bother ya none that Daddy don't say nothin' to ya?"
"Maybe a little," Will replied. "But not because I feel neglected or shunned. What bothers me is his displeasure. He's hurting inside over the news. I'm pretty sure, though, that he'll get over it in his own time. He's a loving husband and father. I saw that quite clearly in our first visit. I'm quite sure that he still loves you and will continue to love you. He may never fully accept me into the family but that's no different than a lot of parents who don't care for their son-in-law or daughter-in-law. I guess what I'm saying is: be patient. Considering everything, how your parents reacted to the news was the best we could hope for ... and it will get better."
"It gnaws at me," Billy mused. "I feel guilty. Not for bein' gay nor lovin' y'all but cause I disappointed em."
"It could be much worse, Billy. You don't do drugs. You're not in jail. You don't even rebel by talking back to them. No. You love them and they know it. That's the most important thing for them ... and for you ... to remember."
<><><><><>
A year later, the two lovers had settled into an apartment in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The choice of where to make their home was not difficult. It was a vibrant city of 100,000 people in 1970, the home of the University of Michigan, and a mere forty-three miles from Billy's family in Detroit --sufficient reasons to promise a desirable place to live. Also influential in their decision was that it was a bastion of liberal thinking and in 1974 elected a mayor, the first openly homosexual person in the country to be elected to public office. It seemed, therefore, that they would encounter a minimum of discrimination and persecution for being gay.
Billy soon found work in a small construction company. Will took a job in a social service agency that didn't pay much but satisfied his desire to help unfortunate people whose circumstances precluded their achievement of the "American Dream."
Visits to Billy's family in Detroit were frequent and, over time, his father softened his objections to his son's chosen lifestyle'. There were, however, a few emotionally awkward moments. The most distressing was when the family visited Billy and Will in Ann Arbor and the younger children innocently asked why there was only one bedroom in the apartment. The explanation, "It's all we can afford," satisfied the youngest of the children but Billy's oldest brother Luke, now sixteen years old and more aware of alternate forms of sexuality, harbored suspicions that grew stronger as he carefully watched the interactions between his big brother and his roommate'. The opportunity to confirm those suspicions came when Billy and Luke went to the store for a few groceries. Driving back to the apartment Billy was thoroughly enjoying the camaraderie with his favorite brother when, Luke bluntly asked, "Yur more than friends with Will ain't ya?
"We's friends. Buddies, ya might say," Billy replied while wondering what his little brother might be thinking.
"Yeah. Buddies that sleep in the same bed," Luke said with a tinge of sarcasm.
"We got a deal on a used double bed," Billy said perhaps too emphatically. "'Sides, we done shared a bed when we was kids. Same thing. Ya do whatcha gotta do."
"Yeah. And we played with each other's willies once or twice. But now yur all growed up. Mighty convenient-like for ya both, ain't it?"
"Whatcha mean? Whatcha tryin' t' say?"
"Just seems a mite strange," Luke said. "Like as if yur shackin' up with Will instead of a chick."
Billy didn't respond immediately. It was abundantly clear that Luke suspected (or knew!) the true nature of the relationship. Billy's quick mind weighed his options. He could play the caution card and deny that he and Will were gay lovers. Or he could courageously come out to his little brother. Right or wrong, he made a choice. He pulled the car off the road and stopped. Turning to Luke, he said, "Yur almost a man now. Ya can handle the truth. I love Will and he loves me. Just the same as mommy and daddy love each other. Only we's two men in love. I ain't never had no feelin's for girls and neither has he. We's gay, Luke. Ya can call me queer and hate me for it or ya can see that me `n' Will is happy together and be happy for us. What is it? How do ya feel about havin' a homosexual brother?"
Luke was surprised at the candid revelation and more so at the earnest conviction in his big brother's tone. After a long pause during which Billy worried about his brother's reaction, Luke said, "I'm cool with that. But mommy and daddy's gonna be pissed."
A wave of relief swept over Billy. "They know. We done told them soon as we got outta the Navy. Momma didn't like it but accepted it. Daddy was furious. He still don't approve but durin' the past year he seems t' be more understandin'. Course the little ones don't know. They's too young to be worryin' bout stuff like that."
Luke was lost in thought for a few moments and then surprised Billy by asking, "What's it like ... makin' love to `nother guy?"
"LUKE!" Billy exclaimed. "There's some things that ya don't never talk bout! Even to family! Like what goes on in bed. All I'm gonna say is that there's sex just for fun and there's sex to show a body how much ya loves im. Stay away from the first kind, Luke. It ain't no good. Wait till ya really loves a girl. Better yet, wait till ya get married."
Luke flashed a wicked grin and said, "Ya ain't married but yur havin' sex."
Billy recognized his little brother was joking and replied, "Only `cause it ain't legal for two men to marry. But believe me when I say the sex we have is the second kind, the better kind, the kind that is based on true love."
Getting serious, Luke said, "I don't understand why yur in love with a guy ... but as long as ya don't like girls I `spose Will is the best guy ya could ever have."
"Ya got that right!" Billy grinned.
<><><><><>
While Billy's relations with his family were improving, Will's dealings with his family were in a steady decline. His letters to his parents were never answered. He assumed that his father was thoroughly displeased with the humdrum life he had chosen but he was particularly disappointed that his mother never bothered to write. He didn't know whether it was for lack of caring or submission to her husband's domination. He was surprised, therefore, when a short letter from his sister arrived.
Dear Will, I don't know what's going on between you and Dad. He refuses to talk about it. In fact, he rarely mentions your name. Mom seems frightened to talk about you when he's around but she has confided in me that she's distraught over losing touch with you. She's read at least some of your letters and knows you're well and apparently happy but she's a mother and is almost in mourning over the loss of her son. If it's at all possible, I think you should plan on paying a visit. I can't predict how Dad will react but I'm certain that Mom will be overjoyed. Please let me know if you can come and (Dare I say it so bluntly?) ease her pain. Love, Carolyn
Will's astonishment at his mother's feelings could not be overstated. Except for when he was a very little boy, she seemed to have little interest in his life. Her only concern and the majority of her time was socializing with the "best" people or serving on the elite boards of selected charities. The latter was not out of concern for those in need but to gild her reputation as an "upstanding" citizen of the community. It was an enigma that he couldn't resolve. He decided to tap into Billy's deep well of good sense.
"What should I do?" Will asked after Billy had read the letter.
Billy thought for a while before saying, "Don't rightly know, Will. Cept I've always said ya oughta hold tight to yur family. Since yur askin' for my opinion, I'll give it to ya. I know ya got a beef with yur father but ... I'm just guessing now ... ya might be able to patch things up with im. It's worth a try. And yur mother seems t' be pinin' for ya. I'd say ya owe it to her to visit, tell her yur okay. Hearin' it from yur mouth is heaps better than readin' a letter. And one more thing. Tell her ya love her. She needs to hear that."
"But Dad will make the visit a living Hell for me with his condemnation and insults. He can be vicious. I'd like to see my mother and sister but I dread the constant fighting with my dad."
"Ya got two choices. Ya can stay here. Ignore yur mamma and sister and avoid a fight. Or ya can go visit. If'n ya choose to visit ya got two more choices. Tolerate a brief spell o' yur daddy's torment. Or stand up to im and tell im yur a grown man now and don't need none o' his lectures. Neither of them will be easy but sometimes we do what we gotta do."
"So you think I ought to visit. You've made that plain for a long time. But -- if you were in my position -- would you passively endure the cruel tirades or would you counterattack?
"Don't know I can answer that one, Will. But it puts me in mind of a time when I was a little boy. I mouthed off to mamma. Daddy heard it and took me straight to the wood shed. I knew for sure that I was gonna get a whippin' He musta changed his mind before we got there cause he sat me down and splained that I was still a no-nothin' little kid and had no right to disobey mamma. He made me think on how it made momma feel. Then he said somethin' that stuck with me to this day. He told me he was mad at what I done but he loved me. What I learned that day is that we may not like what people do but can still love em. I know it ain't the best example but I'm thinkin' it might sorta fit yur situation. It might be that yur daddy loves ya but ain't never said so. It might be that he's been tryin' to control ya so's ya'll turn out t' be successful and happy. Sure, his idea of success and happiness ain't the same as yurs. But ... I'm just guessing ... it ain't his love that's screwed up. It's his idea of what ya oughta be. And the way he tries to help ya ain't right ... talkin' bout yur mistakes instead o' yur good points."
"It's not unlike your situation now, isn't it? Your father doesn't like the fact that you're gay but he still loves you."
"'Xactly! `Ceptin' he don't try to change me like yur daddy does to ya."
Will smiled broadly and said, "You've just demonstrated one of the things that make me love you. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Until now, I never considered that my dad loved me. I always thought his only attitude was disappointment with me. But you've made me think of the possibility -- just a possibility, mind you -- that his criticism is based on love ... and a hope that I'll improve ... at least by HIS definition of improvement."
"So! Ya gonna visit yur momma?"
"I don't know yet."
To be continued
The author is indebted to Iatia for suggestions, encouragement, and editing.